What Got You Here Won't Get You There | Marshall Goldsmith | Talks at Google

good afternoon everyone thank you for coming my name is Evan Wittenberg I work in the leadership development group here at Google and we are very excited to have so many of you turnout today for the first of a new speaker series called leading at Google this could have been called many things are the person helping us open this today Marshall Goldsmith has a published 23 books so it could have been an author at Google series he is a preeminent coach executive coach so it could have been a coaches at Google series and we thank everybody for their participation in helping us develop this new series the idea of the series is we get lots of wonderful people here at Google to talk about all kinds of stuff this one is specifically to talk about leadership development management development managing yourself and your careers and your success in life both professional and personal so that's that's kind of why this series exists we hope to have at least a couple talks a month and thanks for helping us kick it off our esteemed speaker today and and Marshall thank you much so much for coming is dr. Marshall Goldsmith he's a world authority in helping successful people get even better at what they do he's worked with over 80 CEOs at the top company companies in the world and of course we think what he has to say applies to all of us as well not just our CEO he has a PhD from UCLA he studied math undergrad as many of you in the room did I think and all of his materials are free online at Marshall Goldsmith library comm so he's very good about sharing his things out to the crowds and this talk will also be shared of course on YouTube and elsewhere I think that's all I want to say about Marshall his book which some of you got we actually had more than normal and still they went very quickly but his new book is called what got you here won't get you there it was a Wall Street Journal number one the best-selling business book and it's how successful people like you can become even more successful so that's all say and I'll introduce Marshall Goldsmith thank you very much I'm going to briefly introduce myself we're going to cover a lot of stuff in a short period of time my name is Marshall Goldsmith I'm from Kentucky with school in Indiana got a PhD at UCLA it was college professor I was Dean when I was 29 years old I've been doing executive education for 30 years so I do three things one is I teach classes and give talks this is what I love doing the most and I teach inside big companies and I teach in lots of business schools and then I write and edit books and articles and again please go to my website it's called Marshall Goldsmith library comm you can copy share download duplicate used with any of your friends I give all my stuff away I'm a Buddhist I figure what the heck I'm going to die anyway might as well do some good here so you can use any of this stuff what the heck go knock yourself out one guy one guy said he when guy said he'd stolen my material I said no you haven't stolen my material I said I've stolen your materials you cannot steal what people give you so you can't say I have a foolproof security system you can't steal what people give you so use any of my stuff I hope it's useful to you and then I do what's called executive coaching and my clients are either CEOs or could be CEOs of multi-billion dollar companies and my coaching process is highly transferable so it is a process I can teach you to do how I do it as well as I do it and the only thing I do differently my clients so they like me because they all have dinners together and they talk about life so we all drink fancy booze get drunk talk about life and have a good time it's it's good and I had I had a meeting with about a year ago with my clients and topic was what am I going to do with the rest of my life and these are mostly people between 59 62 years old and one guy was 61 and he was a number two guy in a big company and he said what do you think how to do I said you're number two you're probably not going to be number one your numbers are way up here you're kicking butt two or three years your numbers go down they're going to fire you anyway leave now he said leave and do what I said I don't know go out and find some exciting to do for profit not for profit about a year ago he found an exciting new job he is now the CEO of the Ford Motor Company yes I'm proud of him he chose to work for a nonprofit organization so anyway my job is great fun the only hard part of my job is on American Airlines alone I do have 9.5 million frequent flyer miles so I'm a mega mega flyer now what are we going to be talking about understand the classic challenges faced by successful leaders you all are mega successful people and your very success can make it hard for you to change I'm going to talk about some unique challenges of successful people we're going to practice something today called feed-forward I have some good news my session is not just a lecture you actually have to work in my program you're actually going to talk to each other and by the way everyone in the room I'm going to warn you in advance you're going to pick one area for personal improvement each one of you is going to pick one now if you have absolutely nothing to improve you're going to pretend to have something to improve to make the others feel comfortable so everybody's going to pick something to do better we're going to learn a proven process you can develop yourself how to coach people and if we have a chance we'll talk about peer coaching now let's get started rate yourself exercise well 85% of all my clients have declared themselves to be in the top 20% of their peer group 70 percent the top ten and ninety-eight percent the top half the first thing you learn about successful people is successful people are delusional and the more successful we become the more delusional we get and don't feel bad about being delusional the most realistic people in the world are chronically depressed reality is grossly overrated delusional is okay it just makes it hard to hear what we don't want to hear about ourselves now teaching leaders what to stop had the privilege of spending over 50 days with Peter Drucker world's greatest authority on management he said we spend a lot of time teaching leaders what to do we don't spend enough time teaching leaders what to stop and that's what kind of led to my Look Now annoying habits that can hold us back yes I tried to meet as many as you of as I can and I'm looking around the room yes I'm looking in your eyes the first disease of successful people I can see running rampant in this room what is this problem called winning too much now what does that mean if it is important we want to win meaningful we want to win critical we want to win trivial we want to win not worth it we want to win anyway we like winning I'm going to give you a case study that 75% of my successful clients fail yes I will predict most of you will fail this case study and when I say fail they fail themselves they say what I would do is the opposite of what I know I should do are you ready you want to go to dinner at restaurant X your husband a life partner friend or significant other wants to go to dinner at restaurant why you have heated argument you go to restaurant why this was not your choice the food tastes awful the service is terrible option a critique the food point out our partner was wrong this mistake could have been avoided if only they would have listened to me me me me me option B shut up eat the stupid food try to enjoy it and have a nice evening what would I do what should I do 75% of my clients what would i do critique the food what should I do shut up how many people in the room have ever critiqued the food before raise your hands food critique errs yes a room filled with food critique errs was this a smart thing or a stupid thing stupid and as stupid as it was yes it was stupid I'm going to give you an example now that is so hideously stupid it will make that one pale by comparison and yes I will predict that most of you have done this are you ready you have a hard day at work a hard day you come home your husband wife friend or partner is there the other person says I had such a hard day today I had such a tough day and we reply you had a hard day you had a hard day do you have any idea what I had to put up with today do you think you had a hard day we are so competitive we have to prove we are more miserable than a person lives with us I give this example in one class the guy to back raised his hand he said I did that last week I asked him I said what happened he said my wife looked at me she said honey you just think you have had a hard day it's not over now the next problem a classic problem of smart successful people adding too much value what does this mean I am young smart enthusiastic I report to you I come to you with an idea you think it's a great idea rather than saying great idea our tendency is to say that's a nice idea why don't you add this to it the quality of the idea may now go up 5% my commitment to its execution may now go down 50% it's no longer my idea incredibly hard for smart successful people not to constantly go through life adding value have any of you been trained as scientists or engineers before oh this is a particularly bad disease for this group okay we get so wrapped up on improving the quality 5% we may damage the commitment by 50% and by the way most of the time we're adding too much value what are we really doing telling the world how smart we are it's incredibly hard for smart successful people not to constantly go through life telling the world how smart we are does anyone in the room have a PhD yes a particular disease for people with a PhD right yeah telling the world how smart we are and the final one on this list is passing judgment forwards to be a better coach help more judge less now the good news is everything I teach you today doesn't just apply at work it applies at home my favorite clients are stubborn and opinionated people or any of you all just a little stubborn and by the way if we're stubborn and opinionated at work what are the odds we become excessively open-minded when we go home now the best feedback I got as a coach last year came from a managing partner of Goldman Sachs this gentleman is worth 300 million dollars you know what he told me you helped me become a better father and you helped me become a better husband what's that worth guys got 300 million bucks anyway he gets another million bucks he ain't getting another house ain't getting another car you didn't get another dog maybe gets another wife he ain't going to have 300 million bucks this is worth a lot now using small amounts of money to create large changes of behavior now for those of you have seen my book this is very counterintuitive I never change the compensation plan I don't change the performance appraisal system I don't do any of those fancy things I use tiny little amounts of money and it is amazing how well this works to help people change behavior and I donate all the money to charity it's amazing now and this is fun it's a good thing to do it's a great coaching tool and it doesn't hurt anybody now let's see have any of you read my book so far you may read the book yes are most of my clients would they be women or men what do you think most of they're mostly men would they be mostly young or old Oh would they be mostly poor or rich old rich men yes most of my clients are old Richmond now there's a common misperception about old Richmond that is old Richmond would not mind losing tiny amounts of money or that would be wrong they hate losing any money watch and play golf they lie they cheat they swear at each other for what five dollars they hate losing money and it is amazing how well as helps people change behavior now let me give you some examples number one destructive comments have you all been taught we want to create positive relationships across the organization we want to reach out to our co-workers and develop positive win-win relationships have you been taught these things what happens to the quality of all these positive relationships when we stab our co-workers in the back in front of other people does this make it better or worse or any of you all here in the corporate headquarters kind of staff job anyone liars somebody is yeah well you're in a staff job aren't you yes you are yes yes yes well think about it have any of you gotten into the bad habit of bum wrapping your coworkers in front of other people a very bad habit now I don't want to look like I'm preaching at you I also get feedback if you look at my bio all those Glorian reports none of that feedback came from my staff and none of it came from my family in fact this one report Wall Street Journal top 10 consultant in the world my daughter reads this report you know what she says daddy I want to go into your field said Kelly that makes daddy so proud why do you want to go into my field she said the standards are low I never forget the first time I got feedback from my own staff one item was called a Boyd's destructive comments about other people what score did I make eighth percentile 892 percent of the people in the world did better than me and I wrote the test I go back to my staff and said staff overall I'm proud of my feedback I feel good about this and this or something I want to do better at business or not bum rap and other people I teach everyone else not to do that I said I've been one of the worst offenders if you ever hear me make another destructive comment about a person or group you bring it to my attention I'm going to pay you ten bucks on the spot then I gave him a pep talk because I thought they'd be embarrassed to ask for the money pep talk was unneeded they tricked me into making nasty comments to pick up the ten bucks I no more give this dumb talked in our clients call I said he wants some you know on-page cheap ten dollars my partner Tim called us said that fool had to get a PhD don't know anything ten dollars by noon about 50 bucks locked myself in the office and refused to speak to anybody for the rest of the day first aid cost me fifty bucks second day thirty bucks their day 10 bucks still cost me money what score to make on their last time four point eight out of a possible five what does this teach you spend a few thousand dollars you get better now another one I use money is a great one for stubborn people no but however if somebody talks to you and you first word out of your mouth is know what you say you're wrong but I have or what's that mean disregard everything came before this word this is a terrible habit of stubborn people so one of my clients I'm reviewing his feedback report he says but Marshall I said that's free if I ever talk to you again you start a sentence with no butter however and find you 20 bucks he says but Marshall 20 no forty no no no 6,800 he lost four hundred and twenty dollars an hour and a half now the guy's got a great sense of humor at the end of an hour and a half you know what he said thank you he said I had no idea it is amazing how much better he got just doing that now enough of my talk we're all going to practice we're going to practice something now called feed-forward everyone in the room is going to pick one area for improvement and by the way if you cannot think of any I'll give you a few thoughts starters do I have any people in the room who are too impatient I mean impatient people yes and by the way would your friends and family members be happy if you became a little more patient they might be yes they'll have any stubborn or opinionated people here a few of those yeah a few stubborn ones anybody a little too judgmental yes yes people at home be happy if you lost that when they about anybody need to listen a little better let's take listening listening now let's take listing you become a better listener what happens to the scores on treating people with respect up or down how about coaching teamwork customer satisfaction friends and family member the way you get better - everything is don't try to change everything just change something now let's be honest how many of you have co-workers back on the job right now raise your hands you have co-workers yes and your first name is are your co-workers waiting for the new you to re-emerge as result of today's little talk no no I don't think so how much do your co-workers really think you're going to change as a result of being here what is the honest answer to this question almost nothing and as low as the expectations of your co-workers are and let's be honest they are incredibly low there's one group of human beings that have even lower expectations than our coworkers Who am I talking about the people we live with and if you do not believe this is true you go home tonight and you talk to your spouse partner significant other know what you say you know dear I met this friendly bald behavioral coach Marshall and I'm going to be a better partner in our relationship based upon what I learned today look at the face of the other person haha they have absolutely no belief you're going to change anything if you get better let me just tell you today if you get better one important behavior just one is judged by any important group of people over any significant period of time how do I feel about our hour together bad hour or a good hour if you coach another person and help them get better at any important behavior let's judge by any significant group over any significant period of time how should you feel feel good you just made the world a better place not only for them but for everyone around them so everybody in the room is going to pick one behavior to improve what's one thing you want to get better at less judgmental that's good how about you more patient how about you yeah it could be recognition or by the way here's another thing we teach about coaching if people get better where's it going to come from inside them you ain't gonna make it might change what they don't want to change have any of you ever attempted to change the behavior of a successful adult that had no interest in changing them have you ever tried this how much luck did you have in these religious immersion activities now I'm going to ask you a question honest group of people of high character and ethics what do you think except for you right but the others are pretty honest right we're going to test this I'm going to ask you all the question a troublesome question a personal question yes even embarrassing question if the answer is yes you must raise your hands how many people in this room are still stupidly attempting to change the behavior of a husband-wife partner or significant other who has absolutely no interest in changing come on raise your hands a room filled with waving hands how long have you been engaged in this stupid behavior give me a number forever it hasn't helped it all has it what is this person what is this person's name she doesn't want to say I'm going to help everybody ah let it go if you don't learn anything else for me today but this tiny lesson you'll be a better coach and have happier life if people don't care don't waste your time as a coach put your time and energy in with the ones that do care now if you're going to get better it's the motivation for your improvements can come largely from one place where's that inside you I can't make you change anything my job is not to make you change what you don't want to change it's to help you change what you do want to change so pick one behavior you think if I get better at this it's going to make a positive difference in my life my job try to help get better death okay now everybody's going to pick one I'm going to participate as well my own area for improvement is I like people too much I'm highly extroverted I need more time thinking writing and reflecting for every person listens to me speak there are hundred people reading something I've written it's not easy for me has nothing to do with money I'm always flying on airplane on American Airlines I have nine point five million frequent flyer miles I always put off going at the airport to the last minute and sometimes I'm flying on the plane sometimes a poor man sits next to me occasionally we're on a six-hour flight he makes a terrible mistake he lets up when he goes what do you do for a living six hours later I look over he's going great is the need of the student to learn far greater is the need of the teacher to teach my problem is not doing what I do it's stopping how many of you have a problem not doing what you do but stopping doing what you do and sometimes the problem isn't turning it on sometimes our problems turning it off everyone in the room is going to pick one area for improvement now we're going to practice something called feed-forward in feed forward you're going to be in two roles role number one it's gonna be called learn as much as I can are there some smart people in this room yes or no yes if you had a chance to learn from these smart people would you like to do that very good role number two is going to be call help as much as I can or there's some nice people in this room yes if you had a chance to help these nice people would you like to do that you're going to be learning or helping as much as you can depends I want role you're in now what are the rules rule one no feedback about the past I want everyone in the room to stare intently at the faces of everyone else in the room look around the room look at all these faces now let's all take a deep breath ah you see whatever sins anyone in this room has committed up until this second in time we ain't go fix those we spend too much time talking about the past anyway you can't change the past have any of you been impressed with your wife husband or partners near photographic memory of your previous sins which I've been documented and will be shared with you in a repetitive an annoying way well you can't change the past anyway rule one no feedback about the past and rule two is the hard rule you can't judge or critique suggestions when people give you ideas don't say good idea bad idea I already knew that that will never work no matter what people tell you must stand there shut up listen if you have pencil and paper take notes if not just listen all you can say is thank you how does this work you come to me and say I want to get better X I'm gonna give you one or two very quick ideas no feedback about the past only ideas for the future what do you say thank you no matter what I say you say thank you I say I want to get better why you give me one or two ideas what do I say thank you we shake hands you rush off and talk to somebody else this is a competitive exercise it's going to last five to ten minutes we're going to see who can talk to the most people in the next five to ten minutes for guidelines positive simple focused and fast now when everybody to stand up and stand up you now have 20 seconds to get out from behind those chairs and get down here to your marks get set go 20 seconds let's go get down here go go go go go go go go walk to the front 20 seconds get out from behind your chairs now get out from behind your chairs okay hey does everybody understand the exercise no let me tell no no all right back to listening Shh everybody picks one behavior to improve you come to me and say I want to get better at X I give you one or two quick ideas for the future no feedback about the past what do you say I say I want to get better at Y one or two quick ideas I say thank you shake hands positive simple focused and fast talk to as many people as you can possibly talk to in the next five to ten minutes two marks get set go go go go go go go go go go so so at the end of this before Thank You say that you'll be up here to talk to anybody's gonna stick around get me the mic I moved out the handout you want to get better at lots of things just pick one I tend to bail on with mistakes a lot okay stop I like tonight breathe live for short you're going to die anyway three words be happy now how old are you Marshall 42-38 thank you thank you I'm 58 20 years younger than me you're gonna die be happy don't worry about all we are up so much Thank You Marshall thank you yeah I want to get better thank you thank you wait worry so much just say thank you thank you I want to get better being by myself I spent too much time with people give me an idea should work when you're ready for it right down there what do you want what should i do different I need more time for writing and thinking too much time with people what do I want to get better at you give me an idea well I would say you know maybe just spend more time with the family I guess you could probably home time I hope you enjoy my clock thank you hello hello what do you want to get better right here I'd like to be less impatient look patient most people feel were impatient I pay what we say it's how we look look patience will help you feel patient and pieces of feel your mortgage I would be by myself more thinking and writing I spend too much time with people what I did for me you should have some time on your calendar that's your alone time or think time and make sure you don't schedule over that I hope you enjoy my little class today Oh Marshall nice to meet you nice to meet you what do you want to get better at listening to other people okay instead of waiting for my turn breathe and before you speak ask one question what was more important the tenant I'm about to make or my relationship with this human being thank you I want to be better at thinking and writing I spent too much time with people time doing it just the way from people if there are no people to talk to help you enjoy that clock let's go I'm Raj nice to meet you for idealism confusion mother requests but what I understand is we'll talk about one thing you know work on what do you wanna get better I want to get better at not learning what not to do is that what I'm doing I'm being in representing good first thing is before you commit to do something but write down the two or three most important priorities of your life but put them on a computer screen so you see them all the time right and before you commit to do any new thing don't ask yourself what will this do to that a lot of times we do little things at the expense of big things okay thank you very alright thank you you say thank you thank you I want to do better at being by myself I spend too much time with people I need to think more and write more so people are invited for a long time so my advices you have a calendar you block your some time off thank you don't allow anybody else okay hope you enjoy that class hello Marshall what do you want to get better at better at the patient locations most people feel we're indication nothing what we say is how we look look patient thank you thank you I want to be better at being by myself thinking and writing I spend too much time with people what I did you have for me I like meditation too slow if you like my father I'm their introvert - do this do this I'd be like people ready Thank You general layering some like life is too short thank you can you help me yes hold this chair so don't fall down yeah can you help me as well and you guys both hold this chair you hold the back and you hold it fruit so I don't kill myself want to behold this part oh stop oh stop stop stop oh stop stop stop look up here look up here look up here I'm gonna go like this when I go like this you will all shout out one word loudly and simultaneously this will be the first word that pops into your head I will begin a sentence I will leave out the last word I will go like this and you shout out a word okay so everybody ready this little exercise was very positive useful helpful but people say good things one of the most common words you heard was fun what's the last word you think to describe any feedback activity fine has anyone ever called you on the phone and said I have feedback I'd like to share with you please come to my office and you said fine fine up you guys got hold it so don't die fine is the last word I you comes to your mind I've done this with tens of thousands of people around the world 95% say it's positive useful helpful or even fun the answer this question will help you be a better coach why you now have 20 seconds remain standing join a group with three four or five people if you have six break up into two groups of three your marks get set go go go go go go Coco Coco except for you guys you stay here hold it stop stop stop stop stop stop stop raise your right hand in the air point your right index finger at the ceiling point when I count to three point your spokesperson what did you write okay stop stop stop stop stop stop you now have 90 seconds to answer this question in your team the answer will help you be a better coach why do 90 percent of the participants in the exercise say it's positive useful helpful or even fun your marks Get Set talk to your team members go okay oh stop stop hold this place hold this place oh don't I okay stop stop stop I'm going to call on some spokespeople I like your group your group your group your group your group your group your group and your group send your spokespeople down to the front everyone else can sit down okay come on down okay mobile Mike can you turn on they're all good it's on okay mobile mic testing testing come on down spokespeople all right okay come on down spokespeople now spokespeople talk loudly and talk into the mic you're not just talking to me you're talking to the whole group why do people define the exercise to be positive useful helpful or even fun and pass it over to em when you get that so our answer was you're mostly talking to people who don't know your past I mean these are your colleagues but they don't know your past so it's almost anonymous feedback without any bias towards no mystery no baggage no baggage a common misconception of coaching is I have to have a deep knowledge of you to help you wrong how many of you learn something interesting from somebody you don't even know you don't have to know people to help it sometimes we learn more from people we don't know excellent you can sit down next we were all laughing you're all laughing another good idea for good coaching don't take it that seriously we're all gonna die anyway have some fun have some fun here might as well thank you next yes uh it was a game as competitive it's a game yes make this all more of a game not so serious not so intense next you I grew that I felt like kids we were playing and we got the immediate gratification and it was um just for fun it's just for fun and by the way here's the key when we coach people if they don't care they're not gonna do it anyway so why get all wrapped up in some serious stuff they're not gonna do it anyway if they don't want to this is a Buddhist exercise I'm a Buddhist one thing Buddhist said is when I teach you something only do what works in the context of your own life if it doesn't work don't do it well in the exercise when people give you ideas it's like a gift if you want to do it do it you don't want to do it don't do it but don't sit there and say stinky gift and yeah I don't like your gift okay what we like to it because we were talking as equals and nobody got to be wrong key point two key points one two way not one way totally different you come to me and say I want to get better decks please help me I say I can get better too please help me I want to get better at what you see how different that feels then you say you get better I got nothing to improve you get better completely different dynamics yes thank you I said three things first is infinitely much better than what they could have been doing at their desks at this point okay that's why second sense of adventure Who am I going to meet next the thrill I try it's fun to meet new people and third one was gifting the sense of I give something to the person I'd received something back and again we love to give people ideas when asked one reason it feel good to give the ideas people asked if people don't ask it feels intrusive if they do ask it feels good yes we liked that there was no judging no judging if I would have allowed you to judge or critique comments you would have spent twice as much time debating the value of the comments as you would have spent listening to the comments how much do we learn proving other people are wrong noting how much do we learn defending that we are right noting how much of our lives have been wasted on one of these two activities too much too much thank you we also like that everyone had different ideas that were very different from each other different ideas and a lot of misconception of coaching again I have to know you to help you sometimes we learn more from people who have very diverse in different ideas maybe we hadn't even met thank you okay yes we were more open with each other than if it were our family yeah now I am going to ask you to practice this at home but we'll get to that later okay and finally um because something I expected but it's wonderful and it's good thank you thank you yeah let's hear it for all these good people thank you thank you very much thanks now two misconceptions of coaching misconception one I've talked to us I have to have a deep knowledge here to help you wrong misconception two is worse I have to somehow be better than you to help you wrong again better off not trying to be superior to the other person better off just being a fellow human stumbling around without clear answers to the following questions unless it is on your search engine such as Who am I where are we and what is going on here well that's all we are anyway we're not little gods for just that'll confuse people stumbling around much better to be that how many of you near the end of the exercise began to feel the need to say to at least one person in this room I have your problem - I have your problem - I have your how different where everybody else's problems and yours problems what's amazing I do this all around the world I was in Saudi Arabia last month 500 guys and long white outfits their culture is different this exercise is all the same at the human dimension I travel all around well it doesn't matter the human dimension we are amazingly similar and by the way did any of you near the end of the exercise began to hear a faint voice a little voice a little voice speaking in the back of your head a little voice going excuse me excuse me you know the ideas you're giving the other people why don't you do any of them yourself some of you heard the little voice I don't have to be superior to you to help you better off just being a regular old human like everybody else's now this exercise is going to be the essence of how I teach you all the new coach eat and we're going to practice now you now have 10 seconds to find a partner to your marks Get Set find one partner go go go go find a partner find a partner find a partner okay good does everyone have a partner get a partner one partner per person all right now we're going to practice peer coaching how does peer coaching work you're going to look at your partner and you're going to say partner here's what I said I wanted to get better at here's some interesting things I learned here's what I'm going to try to do to get better please give me ideas to make sure when I get back in the real world I actually execute actually do this stuff he's going to give you ideas what if he gives you the stupidest idea in the whole world what do you say to him thank you thank you thank you then you switch roles he says here's what I said I want to get better at here's some things I learned give me ideas tell me execute what do you say thank you see the problem with all his training stuff is not theory it's execution we all know what to do please don't do it when my book was the number one ranked business book in the entire United States the number one ranked diet book sold 10 times as many copies Americans get fatter and fatter and fatter and read more and more diet books nobody loses weight by reading diet books you've got to go on a diet now I made one mistake with my book I love the title of my book what got you here won't get you there you know what I should have called it what got you here won't get you there diet then I would have really sold a lot of guys so the trick to this is now you're going to help each other you understand the exercise two and a half minutes each you do two and a half minutes switch roles two and a half minutes two marks get set talk to your partners go go go go go so what do you want to get better at I want to be able to concentrate on harvesting at the time what hello two more minutes two more minutes okay stop stop and say thank you to your partner thank you thank you thank you thank you now developing yourself as a leader and partner let's talk about how you use all this good stuff to develop yourself as a leader and a partner the first thing is get in the habit of asking asking how can I do better let's pretend you're my customer your name is Noel Noel as I shake hands and well I say you're my customer my job is to serve you your job is not to serve me how can I serve you better listener ideas take notes follow up what happens during me as a supplier words are better gets better first name is Jerry shake hands Jerry I say Jerry you're my team member I want to be a better team player how can I help the team listen to Jerry's ideas take notes follow up what happens his opinion me as a team player worse or better gets better give it shake and seven you're my direct report I want to be a better manager how can help you in the staff listen his ideas take notes follow up whatever is painting me as a manager up up up up up up it gets better not a theory of fact I've got research from thousands of people in there Shari think it's better we don't ask my friend Jim Kouzes who lives very near here did a leadership challenge profile 70,000 people evaluating their bosses what item came in dead last him employee satisfaction asked for input about how he or she can improve we don't ask we just preach about asking tell replies to who us yes the odds on most of us asking too much are very remote so the overcorrection fear is not usually a big challenge let me give you one example I'm gonna point it out right now not just at work at home I'm going to ask all of you two questions if your answer is yes and yes raise your hands how many of you are in a business where customer satisfaction is critically important where people should ask your customers for input listen to this good at customer input follow-up and try to get better raise your hands many of you very nice and then how many of you have a partner's significant other at home raise your hands okay raise your hands let's see I like you you and you you three fine gentlemen come on down here at the front come on down come on down let's hear it for these three guys come on come on down come on down I want all of you to stare intently at their faces are you in a business where customer satisfaction is important yes how important is it extremely very very should people ask those customers for input listen to that good customer input follow-up and try to get better based on what they learn yes of course and how important is this where are we important very important extremely important outrageously outrageously and by the way they're not competitive very extremely of Aegeus lee yes do you have a partner significant other at home yes yes have you spent a lot of time asking that person what can I do to be a better partner in our relationship is that a commonly asked question no sparing no no spares that means almost never doesn't yes that's no no no oh yeah right liar liar no wait now look at their faces all right us a certain cut back on enthusiasm here who's more important those people at work of that person you live with force a little of course you're lucky you're lucky the person you live with is not in the audience right who's more important family but you haven't been asking let's hear it for these three guys go sit down yeah now talk to your partner talk to your partner we don't ask you work and we really don't ask at home why don't we ask talk to your partner go what a whisk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk why don't we ask stop okay stop stop stop stop stop why don't we ask yes why don't we ask we take them for granted often the people we take for granted the most are those we should take for granted the least very good why don't we ask why don't we ask yes we don't want to hear it yes we're told we're we're told now let's see you're bringing up that other person's problems here aren't you I didn't know this program was to fix other people's oh I thought you're supposed to be trying to fix me here yeah let's don't deal with their problems why don't we ask what is the big reason we don't ask deep down inside you know why we don't ask we're afraid to ask we don't ask because we're afraid of the answers let me give you a personal example I'm 58 years old at my age one type of input ought to get every year is called a physical exam I managed to avoid that seven years how did I successfully avoid a physical exam for seven years what I tell myself I'll get that exam after I begin my healthy foods diet I'm gonna get that exam after going begin my exercise program how many people in this room have ever avoided a physical exam and told yourself the same thing come on come on look at these head did we trick the doctor no how about the trip to the dentist have any of you noticed a flurry of dental-flossing activity the two days before you walk into their dentist's office here flossing away you have blood running all out of your mouth you sit down the dentist says have you been flossing what do we say always flossing yeah many of you appear to be mature adults how many times has a dentist heard too sly thousands we don't ask because we're afraid have the courage to ask now you're going to ask it work how can I be a better manager how can I be a better partner how can I be a better team member now back to your point about asking too much you don't want to promise to do everything people suggest all you want to promise to do is listen think about their ideas leadership isn't a popularity contest you can't always do everything people suggest but you won't you can do you can listen and you can say I'm going to think about what you're telling me I want to hear what you have to say or do what I can that's all you should do don't promise to do just listen now we're going to start asking at work and at home we have a contest youngest kid contest does anyone in the room have a child 18 years old or younger for our younger two or younger little one one 12 months or younger a how old any younger than six months at where where how much two and a half any younger than two and a half months let's hear it for Evan the youngest child winner hey what's your little chat what's your child's name Dylan little Dylan little girl right are you listening closely because years from today you're going to look back on this moment and you know what you're going to say Thank You Marshall thank you in fact years from today someone's in this room not even in this room is going to say thank you who am I talking about little Dylan you are listening closely how many of us have adults our grown-up children raise our hands too late okay moving on we can do this with our grandchildren now what does this have to do with little children I started doing this when my daughter Kelly was 11 and my son Brian was 9 I'm happy I did I wish I'd done it when they were even smaller when my daughter was 11 and my son was 9 I began asking my children a question what can I do to be a better parent if it's although what's that that's my daughter what can I do to if it's worthwhile to say what can I do to be a better boss or what can I do to be a better team member what's more important what can I do to be a better parent problem to asking these question is we had answers by the way have any of you ever seen a TV show Survivor my daughter was on Survivor she was on survivor of Africa she never really needed to go to the assertive training program so my daughter is 11 and she looked at me and she said daddy you travel a lot she said that's not what bothers me what bothers me is the way you act when you come home talk on the telephone you watch this board so you don't spend much time with me and she said one time it was today and I wanted to go to party at my friend's house and mommy didn't let me go to the party I had to stay home and spend time with you you'd been gone for two weeks then you didn't spend any time with me that wasn't right what could I say thank you I said yeah I said daddy's going to do better I'm very proud of this I said I'm going to keep track of how many days I could spend four hours with my family four hours is too many for you make it three three is too many make it two two's do many make it one how much time does the average American father spent a meaningful dialogue with the average American child in week seven to 15 minutes it's not hard to beat average I said daddy's going to do better 1991 92 days 1990 210 1990 331 1990 435 I made more money the year spent one hundred and thirty-five days four hours with my family and yours been 20 you know what I learned the San Diego Chargers don't care about me it took me a while to figure this out now it's January 1 1995 daddy's so proud I got my charts I said kids look a degree in math you could see this right kids look look at this 135 days what goal this year kids how about 150 days they both said no daddy you have overachieved I said 50 is a much better target they both voted for massive cutback of daddy I learned a good lesson when you're little it's good to do this why they need us they get older we need them another good place to do this I was just over at the Oakland Coliseum about a year ago teaching a class for the Kaiser Permanente company thousand people in the room a woman stands up and told the story I always tell a story every class since she did this she said there's one thing you've always left out you've never taught this I've been to your website I've read everything you've written them into your class twice you've you've always left this out you should teach it teach people to do this with your parents do any of you have mom or dad that's still alive get on the phone say what can I do to be a better daughter what can I do to be a better son well she did that with her mother she said what can I do to be a better daughter her mother said I live out in the country dad's dead everyday I got to walk up this long road to get to mail box almost every day there's nothing in the mail box every day that makes me lonely she said it would mean so much to me if you just send me little pictures or cards or something so I go at the mailbox or something a mailbox she started send her mother little pictures and cards what they mean to her mother everything what it cost her nothing nothing this is good to do with our parents for three reasons one it's good for them even if they say there's nothing you can improve they'll be happy to ask number two it's good for you what's the number one regret kids have when mom and dad died why didn't I think I'm probably dead help me and number three if you have kids it's good for your kid know that old person you're calling on the phone guess what you're going to be that old person you want somebody call me on the phone the kid is not listening to what you say kids watching what you do so this stuff is very good to do it work even better at home get in the habit of asking for input listening to it thinking about it thank people don't punish them and then respond now all of you get something called 360 degree feedback is that career is that correct I thought I heard this I'm going to teach you now how to respond to feedback this is what I teach all my executives the rest of your life if you ever get 360 feedback just do this for guidelines positive simple focused and fast how do you respond to feedback it sounds like this shake hands I'd say mister co-worker shake hands I'd say I just got this 360 degree feedback I'd like to talk to everybody one-on-one about what I learned first thing you'd like to say is overall my feedback is is very positive ethical dedicated hardworking caring about our company our customers creative getting results trying to do what's right these are important values to me I'd hope they might score high and they did I want to see how grateful I am for the positive feedback ii just thanks to everybody who took the time to to say anything to me I know how busy you are appreciate you taking the time to help me then don't say but say and there's something I'd like to do better and by the way my advice for all of you pick one I used to teach the stuff I said pick one two three what do I say now pick one one gentleman said I love the pick one idea I asked him why he said if you told me I could work on three things that spend all my time on number three I never have to face number one tell me I could work on one thing it's hard to from just pick one that's enough I'd say you know there's something I'd like to do better in the past I've come off as stubborn opinionated know-it-all always trying to be right not an open-minded listener if I've done that you're the people round trip I'm sorry please accept my apologies no excuse we all screw up it's okay what you do make a mistake apologize and if we want to blame people for our mistakes who is the best person in the world to blame for our mistakes you want everybody else to take responsibility you go first let them watch you take a little responsibility and the next part you're going to like don't ask for more feedback about the past do any of you have direct reports have you noticed they do not like to give you negative feedback if you even notice this you know why they have not found it to be a career enhancing strategy people don't like to give us negative feedback don't ask for it I'd say I'm not going to ask you for feedback about the past I can't change it anyway I'm going to ask you for ideas for the future have ideas to be a positive more open-minded listener what would they be whatever he says sit there shut up listen take notes and say thank you never promised to do everything people suggest leadership is not a popularity contest I'd say I can't promise to do everything universe suggests I listen and think about your ideas do what I can can't change the past I can't change the future I can't get better to everything and get better one thing now I'm going to involve you and ask you to help me get better what do you do then change and the key to make it everything work I teach is called follow-up what's it sound like last month I said one to be more open-minded listener based on my behavior last month he had to have an idea to help me next month what it would be too much three months what happens if you do the stuff i teach summarized in a research study on the websites called leadership as a contact sport eighty six thousand people eight major corporations twelve thousand outside the US eight corporations in totally different industries made absolutely no difference commonalities every leader got multi rater feedback it was all shared with the consultant they were asked to pick one two three areas improvement do what we just described what did we learn the people that got feedback didn't talk to people didn't follow up went to a course their improvement looks like random chance do any of you know about probability and statistics well this looks slightly better than a random distribution curve on a minus 3 to plus 3 scale I've in a control group study no training no feedback no nothing the control group did this well might as well been watching sitcoms useless little follow up a little better some follow up lots better frequent follow up much better and finally consistent or periodic follow up massive improvement they all went to the same program this all taught by the same person me they get feedback on the same process you know what I learned if you get better don't have much to do with me it's got whole lots to do with you this stuff works it just don't work if you don't do it let me give you an analogy any of you been planning to work out how many people planning to begin a workout program vision workout planners how long you been planning to do this give me a number forever years how about you how long you been planning you are working who's planning to work out dude how long you been planning this give me a number how much one year and your first name is Irv and your name is okay okay so you need to talk to him you only have one year of workout planning experience he has over ten years of workout plan and experience well how much better his plan is and yours well the problems not planning to work out or understanding the theory of working out is doing it you do this stuff it works it don't work if you don't do it now what have we learned let me summarize follow up works what doesn't work as an American one of the worst elements of the United States culture we have transported around the world the program of the Year syndrome Americans love buzzwords we don't have customer satisfaction no we call it customer delight we have a learning organization we're empowering people transforming leaders Americans love to come up with silly words put them up on walls hop up and down next year they change the words and do it again nobody gets better because of pep rally slogans or buzz words if you want to get better what works figure out what you want to be find some people you respect find out if you're doing it pick one thing to improve talk to people follow up stick with it and get better now I'm going to finish with my favorite coaching exercise in the whole world this is the best coaching exercise you will ever experience in this or perhaps any other lifetime this is it you're going to learn something now that's very important you're going to listen to a very wise person talk to you whatever this person tells you all you get member is do that is everybody ready take a deep breath take a deeper breath I want you to imagine that you are 95 years old you're just getting ready to die you're on that deathbed here comes your last breath but right before you take that breath you're given a beautiful gift the ability to go back in time the ability to go back and time and talk to the person in this room the ability to help this person be a better professional much more important the ability to help this person have a better life what advice would the wise 95 year old you who knows what was really important and what was not important and what matters and what don't matter and what counts and what don't really count what advice would that wise old person have for the you that's sitting in this room you don't have to say anything or write anything or do anything in your mind I just want you to answer two questions number one professional advice little person one should be a great professional a great leader what professional advice for that person have number two personal advice little person won't you have a great life whatever you're thinking now do that terms of performance appraisals that's the only one that counts friend of mine interviewed a bunch of old people who are dying got to ask them this question what advice would you have three themes come up and the answers from old people facing death theme number one could be summarized in three words be happy now not next week not next month not next year be happy now the great Western disease we are spreading around the world I'll be happy when when I get that BMW when I get that car when I get that status we all got the same when people in this room are among the luckiest people in the history of the world don't get so wrapped up looking and what you don't have that you missed that what you do have learning point number two stare around the room look at everyone's face around their learning point number two is called friends and family I'm going to help you when you're 95 years old and you're looking around that deathbed ain't no Google employees waving goodbye you start to realize these friends and family they're little important there's only one thing to be here today and learning point three if you have a dream go for it and many of you have done this if you don't go for it when you're 35 you may not when you're 75 or 85 Dunn need may have to be a big dream maybe little and go to New Zealand speak Spanish other people may think you're goofy who cares it's not their dream it's yours business advice in much different number one how fun life is short have a good time if you don't love what you're doing you're in the wrong place you're in the wrong place have fun it's hard to make those other people enthusiastic if we aren't by the way I've asked thousands of parents this question when my child grows up I want my child to be there's one word that comes from parents more than every other word in the world put together what's that one word happy you want your child be happy want the young people who work here to be happy you go first let them let you be happy learning point number two is people take the time to help people any way you can or coach people the most important reason to do this has nothing to do with money most important reason is 95 year old you'd be proud of you because you did be disappointed if you don't and if you don't believe this is true interview any CEO has retired I've interviewed Mary very many and asked him one question what are you proud of nobody told me how big their office was all they talk about is people and a final vice is also said go for it the world is changing your industry is changing do what you think is right may not win Leisha gloat ramirez say Aquatech at least I tried final thing I say is I had a wonderful time working with everybody I'm going to stick around as long as anybody would like to answer questions everybody else can take off I hope you have found this useful and helped your life be a little bit better thank you Thank You Marshall a couple other people to thank and if anybody of your co-workers or friends are I guess people at Google would like to see this for now it's going to be posted internally in a couple days and then it will be on YouTube available to everybody thanks to Marshall so you can have anybody watch this couple thank yous to mang for helping us set up that this new at Google series the whole at Google team Josh Mendelsohn to Clare and members of the learning and leadership development team thank you all for help in setting up the series and not thanks thanks to all of you for coming thanks Marshall

Channel: Talks at Google

Views: 158,773

Rating: 4.8783932 out of 5

Keywords: talks at google, ted talks, inspirational talks, educational talks, Marshall Goldsmith, What Got You Here Won't Get You There, books for business, leadership, leadership for business, leadership ted talk

Id: 3WBeGAAYWg8

Length: 65min 48sec (3948 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 10 2007