Personal Advice FULL SERIES

the person in the mirror years ago I had a learning experience at UCLA that totally changed the way I looked at my career and has dramatically influenced my life I was in class with old dr. Bob Tannenbaum and he was a highly respected man at the time had written the most widely read article ever in the Harvard Business Review and was a full professor he was kind of the Guru and I was in a group of 11 people and we were doing something they used to refer to as encounter groups we were talking about all kinds of whatever we want to talk about and we'd kind of analyze things and I was talking about people in Los Angeles and the gist of my conversation was for three weeks people in Los Angeles are so screwed up when they drive around in those yellow Rolls Royces and they wear $85 sequined blue jeans and they're plastic and materialistic these people are so screwed up now of course I'm from Valley station Kentucky which must have qualified me to be the world's authority on all people in Los Angeles after about three weeks to my babbling about people in Los Angeles all dr. Tannenbaum looks at me and he says Marshall who are you talking to well I thought about it and I said well I guess I'm talking to the group he said who in the group are you talking to I said I guess I'm talking to everybody he said I don't know if you know this Marshall but every time you've spoken you've looked at only one person and you seem interested in the opinion of only one person you seem to be listening only one person who is that one person well I thought about it and I said it's interesting comment dr. Tannenbaum that'd be you he said we know there ten other people here in the room why me well you know that is when you start digging a hole and you don't want to stop just dig a little more I said dr. Tannenbaum you know I think a person with your great educational background can understand the true significance of what I'm saying and understand how screwed up it is just to run around and trying to impress people all the time Oh dr. Tannenbaum looked at me scratches beard says you know Marshall is there any chance for the last three weeks all you've been doing is trying to impress me I said well no I said dr. Tannenbaum I'm very disappointed well I think you've missed the significance of everything I've just told you I've been pointing out how screwed up it is to try to impress others that's not what I do he looked at me and he goes I think I understand I look around the room I see these ten other heads going like this I hated old dr. Tanner bombs guts for about six months out for six months you know what I said thank you dr. Tannenbaum sir you just taught me a good lesson about life well you know what I learned it's very easy to see what we don't like about ourselves and other people it's a little harder to see what we don't like about ourselves in the mirror and sometimes other people can see things in us that we don't want to see in ourselves you won't that happens our first reaction is you're wrong you're confused well basically this is what I do for a living every day in my job as an executive coach I give people feedback I let them know how everybody sees them and sometimes they're just like me their first reaction when get that feedback they don't hear is well they're confused and they're wrong well I always go back to my story with dr. Tannenbaum what people tell us something we don't want to hear our first reaction is they're wrong and they're confused sometimes it's hard to look in that mirror and say you know what maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm confused what did I learn sometimes other people can see some in us we can't see in ourselves and our first reaction is they're confused a great challenge learn to listen to other people hear what they have to say and recognize sometimes they can see something in us that we don't want to see in ourselves creating a new identity how can we become someone different how can we create a new identity well oftentimes in life we don't even think that way we think wait a minute I can't create a new person that would make me a hypocrite or a phony I want to talk about how is we journey through life we can create a new identity we can be a new person without being a hypocrite or a phony now if we look at the concept of identity you can see the following chart to illustrate where our identity comes from on one dimension you see clearly past future the other dimension self other and then we form four basic building blocks of our identity the first one is that intersection of the past with our self this is called our remembered identity now how do we know who we are let us imagine you think I'm a bad tennis player okay how do you know you're a bad tennis player well you have memories of playing tennis you have memories of being defeated and these memories shaped your identity you think I am a bad tennis player based on these memories so a lot of our identity comes from our memories the second part of our identity is not the remembered identity it's the reflected identity this is what other people have told us in the past for example part of our identity is I'm a bad listener how do you know you're a bad listener people told you you were a bad listener and this feedback that we got from other people have shaped our identity either positive or negative now what I'm going to spend some more time on is our programmed identity our programmed identity is what other important people told us we would become its projections of the future from other people and we have all been programmed to believe we are a certain way let me give you some examples I'm from a small town in Kentucky called Valley station Kentucky I was brought up and started a lower income lower education environment in the middle school down the street from from my home last year in Kentucky and academic achievement out of 319 schools came in number 319 so the odds on me being ranked the number one leadership thinker in the world from there were not totally great on the other hand I got some very clear programming from who my mother my mother went to college for two years and was a first grade schoolteacher now when I was growing up my father had some idea that women weren't supposed to work fine so we got to live in poverty now the bad news is we got to be poor the good news is my mother took all of her first grade school teacher energy and devote it to one person who was that person me it was all about me here are some of the programs I got as a child she said Marshall you were smart she didn't say I was kind of smart she said you're extremely smart she said Marshall you are the smartest little boy in Valley station Kentucky she also said Marshall you are going to college this was never portrayed as a vote I got the feeling if I didn't go to college she would kill me she said you are going to college in fact you can go to graduate school let's see my father had a little to pump gas station it would have been very natural for me to involve in cars and tools and mechanical things she also said when I was a very young boy Marshall you have no mechanical skills and you will never have any mechanical skills for the rest of your life I am programmed to believe you have no mechanical skills you will never have any mechanical skills how does this programming impact my development as a child I'm never encouraged to be around cars or tools mechanical things so what happens is I don't learn my father says you have no mechanical skills my friends you have no mechanical skills I'm a teenager I know nothing about cars they're tools people are talking about a universal joint I thought universal joint was something people smoked I have no idea what they're talking about then I'm 18 years old I take a test the United States Army aptitude test part of the United States Army aptitude test was called the mechanical aptitude test on the US Army mechanical aptitude test I scored in the bottom two percentile of the whole United States if you know about statistics I think I was defeated by random chance now is no longer my mother saying you and mechanical skills or my father it was the United States harming a staff of trained psychologists all got together to prove I had no mechanical skills oh by the way think of the name of the test it wasn't called the mechanical achievement test that would imply that's what you've done it was called a mechanical aptitude test that would imply that's what you are that's your identity and was it telling 26 years old that I finally questioned this I'm getting my PhD at UCLA from old dr. cannon pub he hands out two pieces of paper one piece of paper things I do well what did I write scholarly pursuits research what was I saying smart smart smart did another piece things I can't do I have no mechanical skills I will never have any mechanical skills dr. cantaloupe looks to me it's just Marshall how do you know you have no mechanical skills well I said it's hopeless I took a test I was defeated by random chance he said how are your mathematical skills ha excellent mathematical skills a perfect score on the SAT math achievement test nine courses math pass calculus wonderful mathematical skills he said why is it you can solve complex mathematical problems but you cannot solve even simple mechanical problems I thought about it good question he said how's your hand why coordination I said I guess it's okay I can play pinball game and should pull drink beer you said why is it you who played pinball games and shoot pool but you can't hammer nails when I was 26 years old I realized I had no mechanical skills because I was programmed to believe I had no mechanical skills that was reinforced steel my life and as long as I believed it would never change now as obvious as this story sounds I see this with CEOs I coach every day they'll say things like I can't listen I can't listen I've never been able to listen I can't listen look in the guy's ears I say why can't you listen you got something stuck in there I can't give recognition well why not a new genetically mean well we all program ourselves in these ways now I didn't have a sibling I did not have a brother or sister my wife was also an only child when you're brought up as an only child you really don't understand the impact of siblings and identity now that I've been doing a lot of work on identity I realize how important our siblings are in our development for example almost every sibling that I work with has been defined by their parents visa vie their siblings for example she's the smart one he's the clever one she's the great athlete he's responsible we have been giving these programs relative to our siblings that often become a huge part of our identity now if you're listening to this tape most our very identity is probably pretty positive even these positive messages have dark sides for example I've worked in a lot of hospitals I ask a question how many of you have a brother or sister they almost all raised their hands goodnight ask a second question how many of you were programmed to believe you were the responsible one it is shocking how many people resent us well the point is then I say if you are the responsible one what message for the other ones they were the irresponsible one yeah there's nothing wrong with being responsible it's when you have to be responsible all the time that it starts getting old there's nothing wrong with being the smart one the problem is when you always have to be smart that's when it gets tiresome well I'm gonna give you a challenge think about the programming you've been given about yourself think about your own identity think about who you are and then challenge yourself and say moving forward in life do I always have to be this person or maybe can I change now the final element of identity if you look at our model is called our created identity that's that new person that we can create that's the future that we create for ourselves and in looking at this element of identity when a give an example from a famous rock star one night I had the opportunity of having dinner with the famous rock and roll star Bono and I didn't know any of his music too much because it was recorded after 1975 we had wonderful dinner and he talked about not his music he talked about a lot about his identity and the first part of his identity was kind of regular guy not pompous or pretentious very much a regular person and you know he impressed me as being very much a regular guy didn't put on airs just seemed to be a real real person he's the F word about every third word when we were talking and he's a nice man he apologized he said you know sir probably shouldn't use such bad language around you I said excuse me uh I'm from Valley station Kentucky I thought the f-word was the adjective that proceeded all mountains so I said this really doesn't bother me that much well after a regular guy the next part of his identity was rock-and-roll fan he still a fan of music and he talked about the group's he loved and how they influenced his life then it became musician he's still a musician he talked about how he loved making music and not just for money how he had times with his family and they'd all sing and make music together and how much he enjoyed that then he became a rock star and he talked about what it's like to be a rock star and he wasn't ragging or showing off that's who he is he's a rock star he talked about the pluses and minuses of that life and now his humanitarian he is devoting a whole lot of his life to trying to help others he made an interesting point not so easy everybody didn't support him in trying to be a humanitarian some people were more into like who is this guy he's shallow is plastic some rock star what's he trying to be some kind of humanitarian and to his credit you know what he said to himself forget that if I want to help people I shouldn't have to apologize and be ashamed of it and he is devoting a huge amount of his life right now that helping others well to me god bless him he has created a new identity for himself without being a hypocrite and without being a phony final point for you challenge yourself think about what is my identity now second where did that identity come from my memories feedback from others programming what is a new person I want to create how can I create a new identity a different person a better person a person who's not the same as a person who's there now without being a hypocrite without being a phony creating a better me one of the greatest thinkers in the history of leadership development is a hero of mine a man named dr. Warren Bennis now Warren Bennis is a wonderful guy guys help me have a better life and someone I've always looked up to Warren told the story once I I'll always remember for a while he was president of the University of Cincinnati and he's not sure he wanted to be president for all the right reasons he was president he was given a talk in front of a group of people and when gentleman raised his hand and he said dr. Venice do you love what you do do you love being president and Warren said he he stopped and there was almost a minute of silence eventually he looked at this person and said I don't know well that moment kind of changed his career he realized maybe he wasn't being the president for the right reasons things like status ego feeling important maybe those kicked in over things like doing what I love doing and doing what's in my heart well I thought a lot about Warren Bennis example do you love what you do in the old days if you didn't love what you do it wasn't so bad for example in 1979 IBM was my biggest customer IBM was the most admired company in the world they were the guide company in 1979 I could go to Armonk New York shoot a cannonball down the hall at 5 o'clock and hit almost nobody these people worked 35 40 hours a week and they took five weeks of real vacation I recently talked to the chief Learning Officer at IBM I said about those same people in that same building now work 60 hours a week he said wrong 70 hours a week and by the way there's almost no real vacation when you take the cell phone with you when you take the computer with you when you go on that vacation you're costing leeward in there's almost no real vacation very important point for young people today very important point if your can work 35 or 40 hours a week and take five weeks of real vacation and you don't love what you do it's not so bad it's not so bad kind of like a half time job anyway if you're working 70 hours a week and you get no weeks real vacation and you do not love what you do you're living in a bad place called New Age professional health and too many people are living there today very important challenge for people at all ages especially young people realize you're probably going to have to commit to your job realize you're probably going to be working many hours realize your occupation is going to be a large part of your life go back to that great question do you love what you do and to the degree you can answer that question yes you're probably going to be a winner in the game of life to the great you answer that question no you're going to have some problems lying less do more we spend an inordinate amount of time in life whining typically whining about decision-makers whining about decisions I'm going to talk about five of my favorite wines and then we'll talk about how many times you've heard these and then look in the mirror and say how many times have I done it myself that first wine is called it's not fair it's not fair the decision-maker makes a decision we conclude it's not fair decisions have nothing to do with fairness every decision is made by the person who has a power to make the decision not a fair person right person or logical person it's made by that person the decision-maker is the customer and our job is to influence the decision-maker not to just judge other people as Peter Drucker said our job in life is to make a positive difference not prove all right well it's not fair the kid comes home from school daddy mommy I got a C on my report card I should have gotten an A it's not fair a great learning experience for the child decisions are made based on fairness you did not sell the teacher the teacher was the decision-maker the teacher thought you should have given a C you thought you should've made an A well you didn't grade your own paper the teacher graded the paper you got to see there's always a teacher there's always a boss there's always a customer there's always somebody and it's never really fair another common line is it's not smart yeah they're doing that and and they think it's fair but it's not smart I have a much better idea and the world would be better if they did it my way well sometimes the world doesn't ask us how we want to do things and we've got to do things that others do it and maybe their definition of smart is a little bit different than then our definition of smart and we'll favorite among engineers that's related to these two is it's not logical people with technical background scientists engineers constantly look for logic where no this and then we're shocked because we can't find it now I have a degree in mathematical economics I went to an engineering school so I include myself in this category too much of my life has been wasted looking for logic where none exists and being shocked when I can't find it well decisions are not always made based on logic oftentimes crazy people make decisions and it's not logical sometimes we say well it they think it's logical and there they try to be fair it's just the wrong decision they mean well it's just not right it's not right well again we don't get to necessarily as we wander through life decide what is or isn't right in our definition of right what might not be somebody else's another big favorite is it's not their job it's my job it's not their job it's my job believe it or not I see this with a lot of CEOs I coach shockingly I work for the CEO of a private equity firm private equity they own the company I was hired by the owners you know what he said they can't tell me what to do it's not their job I'm the CEO shockingly you'd be surprised how many people become brain dead when they become CEOs I'm the CEO they can't tell me what to do I had to sit down and say they own the company it's their money they can't indeed tell you what to do you see you work for them they do not work for you I had another CEO the same problem in a publicly traded company with his board I had to sit down and say excuse me the Board of Directors rightly or wrongly represents the ownership of the company the board does not report to you you actually report to the board now fortunately in most cases as a coach I've been successful I've had a failure I had a failure where a person never really quite got it now as we look at the season making realize one thing our job is to make a positive difference not to go through life critiquing everybody else with our infant and whining and again some of the favorite ones we've talked about it's not right it's not fair it's not smart it's not logical it's not their job we can go through life doing this all we want to what are we accomplishing nothing simple guideline for life do more line lists take all the effort you might have spent on whining and complaining about other people and focus on making a positive difference try to influence those other people don't waste so much time judging critiquing and whining advice for retirement age executives and leaders I've worked with a lot of people about my age who were facing kind of career transition what am I going to do now let me give you some real good advice advice number one plain crappy golf with old men at the Country Club while eating chicken salad sandwiches and discussing gallbladder surgery may not be quite as romantic and exciting as it sounds see when you're working hard all the time you think oh I'd really love to have some time off and just play golf and hanging out I'm gonna warn you gets old how about that cruise ship after about that ninth cruise those cruise director jokes they start getting a little old well what have I learned you need to do what's gonna make you happy and you need to do something that is meaningful for you and you need to make sure that you do both if you just try to amuse yourself you start driving everyone crazy or one of the great generals I had the privilege to listen to it he talked about his retirement he said you know his wife said she wanted him to stay home well that's another thing especially for the men there your wife doesn't love you that much his wife said she wanted him to stay home he said he made it about three months he was in the kitchen alphabetizing two cans so he looks at his wife and goes baked beans should that be ba for baked or perhaps B for being his wife said get out she said this is not the army you're not my general I told you I love you don't love you that much get out your husband or wife they don't want to see you 24/7 especially if you're a retired executive used to bossing people around next is what I call the torture my adult children tour you know all those adult children you have you been waiting to hang around with maybe not such a good idea to bother them all the time either one of the wonderful executives I worked with she decided she was going to retire and she had three daughters and one of her daughter was in Denver and she's a medical doctor so she calls her daughter and she says to her daughter she says all Oh mommy gonna retire oh this is wonderful I don't come visit you in Denver I think I would stay for about a month daughter goes yeah I'll stay in hotel don't worry he she calls her other daughter he finally her three daughters got together and did something and do a drug addicts called an intervention meanie they flew to her home in Connecticut and said mommy we love you oh you're such a great leader and other women should be inspired to work with you mommy we think would be tragic if you retired as much as we'd love to have you hang around her finally she just said oh I get the point well our adult kids really don't want to see us that much one final story one CEO is that at my house talking about life and he retired for a while and he said he walked down the stairs one morning and his wife was there and she said time to go to the office I said I don't have an office I'm retired she said no you're wrong so you have an office now it's a nice office I picked it out and here's the key that here's a map and you have a secretary and it's not me so you're gonna go to your nice office now and meet your secretary so he said what am I gonna do she said you know I really don't care you're not gonna do it in this house and not gonna bomb me and then she said and by the way I'll see it five and then she thought about said no let's make it six let's make it six now learning point for people listening to me right now getting close to that retirement age getting ready for that next transition find something important to do find something that's meaningful for you find something that's going to make you happy and don't delude yourself into believing that you're just going to amuse yourself for the rest of your life because it doesn't work what really matters in life I've had the privilege of hosting four sessions on the topic of what matters in life with people my age getting a little older kind of wrapping up that first part of their career and in my sessions with these very distinguished people who've included a lot of the top executives from around the world six factors come up that matter the first is health if you don't have your health the rest of stuff doesn't matter a lot so very important take care of yourself invest in your health in the short term it may not seem as important what you're doing today in the long term it adds up the second factor is wealth well it doesn't matter though as much as you might think if you look at studies on happiness versus wealth what you find out is wealth is important only to a level of kind of a middle-class income or maybe slightly above beyond that there's a very low correlation between wealth and happiness for example people that win the lottery two years later not that much happier wealth is important but only to a degree the third thing is very important is having positive relationships with people you love people that have positive relationship with people you love and better relationships at work better relationships at home better relationships in a life the next thing is achievement you need to feel like you're making a difference you need to feel like you're making some kind of impact in life that what you're doing is matter and then the final two go together happiness and meaning and I mentioned these together because what I found out in our research is you need both and you need them both simultaneously if you just go for happiness and you're living a life of amusement what you find that very quickly is no matter how much money you have or status you have it gets old you're doing stuff that's fun and amusing but it's not meaningful on the other hand if you're doing something that's meaningful but it doesn't make you're happy well that doesn't work either your victim or a martyr so it's very important in life they should look at the rest of your life to consider six factors number one am i doing my best to stay healthy number two am I taking care of my wealth to the degree that I'm going to have at least a middle class upper middle class income number three am i working hard to build those positive relationships with people I love number four am i achieving do I feel like I'm making a positive impact or difference and then finally am I simultaneously achieving happiness and meaning am i doing what is meaningful for me and what makes me happy at the same time and nobody can define happiness for you but you and nobody can find meaning for you but you if you say I'm doing these six things you're going about as far as you can to have a great life you

Channel: Marshall Goldsmith

Views: 15,065

Rating: 4.9130435 out of 5

Keywords: Coaching (Industry), Behavioural Change Theories, Business, Training, Success, Development, Personal, Marshall Goldsmith (Author), leadership, thinkers 50, blog, blogging, leadership development, tony robbins, Richard Branson (Organization Leader), Coach, Speaker, Motivation, Life, Inspiration, Secret, Marketing, Speaking, Management, Sales, Motivational, Entrepreneur, Entrepreneur (Profession)

Id: 8QFJmW-Tndo

Length: 32min 18sec (1938 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 17 2015