As the novels of Jane
Austen make clear, regency era social customs
left little room for error. Finding a partner involved
a strict adherence to courting etiquette, and
wooing the right or wrong person could make or break
fortunes and reputations. So today we're
going to take a look at what courting in regency
England was actually like. But before we get started,
be sure to subscribe to the Weird History channel. After that, leave
a comment and let us know what other
romantic topics you would like to hear about. OK, time to put on
the latest chamber music from Lord Marvin of Gaye. Strictly speaking, the
regency era in Great Britain lasted from 1811 to
1820, but in truth, it was part of the larger
social and cultural era of the late 18th and
early 19th centuries. The period had a reputation
for steamy passion, as evidenced by several decades
of romance novel artwork. But it was also an era of
politeness and gentility. Couldn't simply bump
into someone at the club and ask for their digits,
and not just because nobody had phones yet. Strict rules govern how
high society couples should interact with one
another, and courtship was a serious business. For the fashionable ladies
and gentlemen of the regency, the best time to
begin a courtship was during the so-called season,
when the most important people in the land came to London
for court and Parliament and to bump the uglies. Being something of
a marriage market, the season allowed
the sons and daughters of the privileged
classes to mingle during a seemingly endless
parade of assemblies, dinners, and parties. It also served a
practical purpose by ensuring that the
members of the upper classes met the right people and found
the right matches to keep money and power in the right hands. Regency folks were encouraged
to marry within their class. This meant that
members of high society tended to take wealthy spouses. You don't want to screw
that up by falling in love with a poor person. London's social season of
exclusive parties and balls was an exercise in controlling
the pool of suitors. Elite young men and women
could dance and flirt safe in the knowledge
that they were meeting suitable potential spouses
without any dirty poors slipping into the mix. Adhering to class distinctions
didn't just apply to the elite. Even nontitled and middle
class minglin' singles were expected to find
class appropriate matches. For instance, in
Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Darcy is
significantly wealthier than Elizabeth Bennet's
family, but both are members of the Gentry. When Darcy's aristocratic
aunt Lady Catherine de Bourgh argues that Elizabeth's
social standing is too far beneath her nephews, the
young lady replies rightly, "he is a gentleman, I am
a gentleman's daughter. So far, we are equal." This was basically
the regency equivalent of telling Lady
Catherine to jog on, but it also exemplifies the
dating rules of the time. People weren't only looking for
spouses with the biggest bank account. Finding harmony and
compatibility in a marriage was also important,
because the belief was that couples who
had things in common would have a more
stable marriage. Wonder if matching
Lord Byron tattoos counted as a shared interest. On the matter of finding
the right partner, one manual for young women
advised sobriety, prudence, and good nature, a
virtuous disposition, and a prospect of being
above the reach of want ought never to be dispensed
with when choosing a husband. Where the man is
defective in any of these, the woman is to be pitied. 200 years later, advice
columns are still warning against defective men. But there was also room for
love in a regency marriage. One regency era
father, for example, wrote to his daughter's
potential fiancee that he believed
"happiness consists only in reciprocal affection." In other words, you better
both like each other or else this whole
thing is going to suck. However, this is 19th century
London we're talking about. Money was not irrelevant. Financial matters often
factored into whether or not a potential partner
was suitable, stable, and worthy of marriage. According to historian
Amanda Vickery, even perfectly
matched couples had to wait through tedious
financial negotiations by their legal guardians
before they could tie the knot. Kind of like organizing
a trade in the NFL. Young women who wished to
find a suitable husband were expected to display
their accomplishments, which were usually talents designed
to show off their femininity and virtue. Top tier accomplishments
included the ability to sing, dance,
play an instrument, and hold interesting
conversation. Kind of sounds like
a theater major, except for the interesting
conversation part. These accomplishments
were markers of class. A young lady needed to be
from a family with the means to hire a dancing masters
or music instructors and provide her with enough
time to polish those skills. Instead of sliding
into each other's DMs, regency couples sent
each other letters. Love letters represented a
serious stage in courtship when couples could
declare their intentions and express their emotions
in the written record. This practice also
allowed couples to get to know each other
better and start to share their visions for the future. According to historian Sally
Holloway, "to correspond was to build a commitment
before matrimony." Men strove to
impress their would be wives when writing them,
though etiquette dictated that courtship correspondence
should be tasteful and rated G. Unless
you're James Joyce. As historian Amanda
Vickery explains, "it was a moment when
the balance of power in the relationship shifted
slightly in the woman's favor. Men coaxed and petitioned
while women sat in judgment." All he could do was
cross his fingers and hope she
wouldn't swipe left. In the stratified
world of the regency, social hierarchies
were reinforced through the use of formal
titles and last names. To refer to someone
by their first name was an intimate privilege
reserved for family members or the closest of friends. Madonna and Cher would
have blown people's minds. Regency era couples would
have to speak to each other using the correct
formal forms of address during the entire
courting process. This is why Pride and
Prejudice's Elizabeth Bennett always refers to the
object of her affections as Mr. Darcy rather than
Fitzwilliam, or Fitzy, or Fitzkry, or Juicy Man Slab. It wasn't until couples became
officially engaged that they could refer to each other
by their first names, but only when out
of the public eye. Speaking of the
public eye, couples were forbidden to see each other
in private without a chaperone, the idea being that constant
surveillance would protect the young lady's reputation. After all, the stakes of
these courtships were high, and women were expected to
abide by different moral codes than men. According to historian
Amanda Vickery, "chastity, modesty,
and obedience were the preeminent
female virtues. Her sexual virtue had
to appear unimpeachable, or she would be ruined
on the marriage market." Regency ladies
and gentlemen were bombarded with advice
about who would be a suitable person
to court and marry. That part of dating
hasn't changed much. But suitability wasn't just
about class or temperament. It was also about family ties. For instance, in-laws
were off limits, meaning if your partner
croaked, a common occurrence in the 19th century,
you could not marry one of their siblings. And while the idea of remarrying
back into the same family is still somewhat taboo
today, its forbidden status during regency era courtship
seems a little strange when you consider that marriage
between cousins was A-OK. Why were they so cool
about kissing cousins? Well, marriage between
cousins checked a lot of the right boxes, even if
it sprung a permanent leak in the family gene pool. For example, a
cousin likely grew up with a similar worldview,
and their family background wouldn't contain any surprises. Most importantly,
marriage between cousins in the aristocracy ensured
generational wealth stayed in the family. Of course, marrying
your brother-in-law would probably check
a lot of those boxes without the whole
blood relative thing. But what would the
Knightleys think? For a high profile example
of married cousins, we need to look no further than
Winston Churchill's regency era great grandparents,
the sixth Duke and Duchess of Marlborough. They were first cousins before
they got married in 1819, and after they got married,
they were still first cousins. While we're on the subject
of uncomfortable rules, the age of consent
during the regency period was a little on the young
side, to put it mildly. Bridegrooms could
be just 14 years old when they tied the
knot, and brides could be potentially as young as 12. Luckily, 14 and 12
do not necessarily represent the average
age when most people got married in this period. Most regency era
brides and bridegrooms, especially those among
the so-called lower class, were in their 20s when
they tied the knot. Not horribly
different than today. While all of these rules
were well-intended, they had at least one
unforeseen consequence. There was a lot of
secret marriages and a good deal of bigamy. In an attempt to
curb those practices throughout the
kingdom, Lord Hardwicke pushed through the
Marriage Act of 1753 which went into effect a year later. The law required all
weddings in England to go through the
Church of England and proclaim of the marriage
three Sundays in a row before the ceremony
could happen. It also required underage
brides and bridegrooms, those younger than 21, to
have their parents' permission to marry. However, there was a loophole. The act didn't
apply to Scotland. So many English couples
simply eloped there. It was basically Vegas
with less slot machines. Plus you could get married in
a kilt. That's pretty neat. Of course, just
because there were strict rules governing
courtship didn't mean people always followed them. Women were expected to be
celibate before marriage, but plenty of unmarried
women became pregnant. It was such a problem
the legislature had to step in and pass the
Bastardy Act of 1733, which stated single pregnant women
had to identify the man who had impregnated them. Not to be confused with the
bastardly act of last Saturday, which is why you probably
don't want to go back to Dave and Buster's. Unmarried mothers in
the early 19th century did not have a lot of great
options, especially given that society worked
pretty hard to shame them for their situation. Many women chose to leave their
children at London's Foundling Hospital, which took in children
whose parents couldn't support them. As if finding a match wasn't
already complicated enough, elite Britons in the regency
era tended to watch one another's courtships
with great interest, because marriages tended to move
a whole lot of money around. After all, when a couple
was officially courting, it was understood to be
a public acknowledgment of their intentions. Sort of like the
national anthem signaling that it's time to play ball. Like modern
celebrities, the elite were especially
vulnerable to this. Unmarried men and women
who were seen in public together could be the subject
of gossip, scathing letters, and scandal sheets. High society noticed
courtships and often jump to conclusions whenever
unmarried aristocratic men and women were together. According to historian
Hannah Greig, people would notice
a couple together and assume that they were
engaged to be married. Consequently, marriage wasn't
just a private contract, it was also about
your public image. And like today, you
always had to be mindful of what Lord Perez
Hilton might say about you. So what do you think? Does regency courtship sound
romantic or anything but? Let us know in the
comments below. And while you're at it, check
out some of these other videos from our Weird History.
