[MUSIC PLAYING] Dating in the Victorian
era meant navigating a maze of modesty and prudence. Luckily, there was no
shortage of etiquette books to advise men on how to
be manly gentlemen, women on how to be proper ladies,
and everyone on how to behave during courtship rituals. Deciphering the often
bewildering social codes could be exhausting, but if you
wanted to be a Victorian player, you had to know all this stuff. Today, we're going
to take a look at what you had to do to
hook up in the Victorian era. But before we get started, be
sure to subscribe to the Weird History channel, and let us
know in the comments below what other historical
etiquette topics you would like to hear about. OK. Time to swipe right on some
lessons in historical lovin'. At first glance, this
nugget of wisdom from 1883's The Marriage Guide
for Young Men, A Manual of Courtship
and Marriage seems painfully obvious. But making love didn't mean the
same thing to the Victorians as it does to us. This isn't the '80s
euphemism for having sex. Victorians would understand it
to refer to a chaste courtship or process of wooing. This advice is
really just saying, don't flirt with
every lady you meet. That's why it appears in
the guide under the heading Do not carry your
politeness too far. Men were further
advised not to assume that every young woman is eager
to fall in love with them, which honestly is still
pretty decent dating advice. Instead, gentlemen
are instructed to maintain a dignified reserve. Failure to do so risks
belittling yourself in the eyes of sensible people
and hurting your chances at the match you
actually desire. In other words, if you
want to get the girl, don't chase every
woman you meet. Men often love to shower a
desirable woman with gifts, but how should the woman behave? Well, according to
1837's etiquette guide The Young Lady's Friend,
make it a general rule never to accept a
present from a gentleman. While that might strike
some as a bit harsh, the guide felt it was necessary. It warned that
one gift will lead to another and encouragement
to offer their hearts to you. It also felt a firm
policy of refusal would avoid hurting
anyone's feelings and save a lady from
all further perplexity. Anonymous gifts
are no exception. Ladies are encouraged to
put them by, out of sight, and never to mention them. 1860's The Hand-Book
of Etiquette advises engaged men to show
their fiancees constant attention and never
flirt with another lady, whether his bride-to-be
was around or not. This advice seems to
hold up pretty well, but of course, there's
a Victorian twist. The handbook also warns
men to avoid, even with their fiancees,
those marked attentions and endearments
that would excite in strangers a smile of ridicule. In other words, no PDA. While this may seem
a bit of a bummer, the handbook didn't
expect people to behave like robots, either. Engaged lovers may exchange
portraits, presents, and locks of hair. No kissing, but feel
free to exchange hair. OK. While professional or
official visits were OK, ladies were never supposed to
call on gentlemen romantically. This much is made crystal clear
in 1882's Decorum, A Practical Treatise on Etiquette and Dress
of the Best American Society, which states "It is not only
ill-bred, but positively improper to do so." Men had a lot more freedom
in this department. How much more? Well, the same book
says, "Gentlemen are permitted to call on married
ladies at their own houses." That being said, there
were still some rules the guys had to observe. For example, a man
was never supposed to call on a married woman
without the full knowledge and permission of her husband. Makes sense, after all. If you're going to
hit on a man's wife, you should at least
let him sign off on it. Nowadays, they say
chivalry is dead, but apparently, it was
still alive and well in the Victorian era, or
at least Beadle's Dime Book of Practical Etiquette
for Ladies and Gentlemen, published in 1859,
thought it was. When it came to dealing
with verbal attacks, the book expected a gentleman to
be prepared to defend his lady. In cases where the lady is the
one who started the trouble, a gentleman should be
prepared to mediate or even beg for pardon on her behalf. Oof. That's a tough
situation to navigate. And the book warns to not side
too much with the other party, else you will show yourself in
acting thus as ill-bred as he. Surely, if you can
dance with a woman, you can speak to her, right? According to 1893's Rules of
Etiquette and Home Culture or What To Do and How To Do
It, the answer is a big nope. Actually, this rule governs the
incredibly specific situation of a man and woman being
introduced for the first time at a ball for the
purpose of dancing. It basically states
that if you've never spoken to each other
before the dance, it's rude to do so
during or after. So when can you speak
to your dancing partner? Only after the hostess has
made an official introduction. Until that happens, the only
way the couple can properly acknowledge each other is by
lifting their hats in passing. A lifted hat. [PURRING] 1896's The Complete
Bachelor, Manners for Men advises gentleman to reverence
woman wherever you find her. It will confirm in you
the habits of a gentleman and may be the
means of winning you a genuine matrimonial prize. Oh, that's nice. And who doesn't like to
be thought of as a prize? Anyway, this particular
guide advises a man to become his lady's champion
by always carrying her bag and helping her get
in and out of trains. The book places great
emphasis on those niceties, noting that travel
brings out both the good and evil
attributes of a man, and his behavior
is on its mettle under these circumstances. In other words, if you really
want to get to know him, take a trip with him. "No gentleman should permit a
lady, whom he likes, but does not love, to
mistake for one hour the nature and object
of his intentions," says The Illustrated
Manners Book, A Manual of Good Behavior
and Polite Accomplishments, published in 1855. Women are allowed
coquetry, but such behavior was frowned upon in
men because it was perceived to be, well, womanly. As the book states, "to
allow an innocent girl to deceive herself, or, as
is more commonly the case, to be deceived by the
conversation of her companions, into the idea that you are
her lover, is ungentlemanly." See, you can't always
trust your friends. If the man allows
this, he is warned that such ungentlemanly
behavior might have one of two consequences. First, he might wind
up feeling compelled to marry the woman out of
guilt that he got her hopes up. On the other hand, he might
be disgraced, possibly whipped or shot. That's a steep price to
pay for male coquetry. One bit of etiquette advice that
could be found in almost all of these books is that
when walking with a lady, a gentleman always gives her
the half of the sidewalk that's further from the road. The idea is to protect
her from being exposed to the unpleasantries
of the street, like being splashed by puddles
or hit by a runaway carriage and things like that. It's a classy move,
and some men still observe it in the 21st
century, even though we have a lot less runaway carriages. The famous etiquette
writer Emily Post actually added a brief addendum
to this advice in 1922. She clarified that
if he's lucky enough to be walking with
two ladies at once, a gentleman takes the
curbside of the pavement. He should never sandwich
himself between them. Hold the male. The Ladies' and Gentlemen's
Etiquette, A Complete Manual of the Manners and Dress
of American Society was published in 1877. It warns that trying to make
your significant other jealous is contemptible, and if
the affections of the other are permanently lost by
it, the offending party is only gaining his
or her just desserts. In other words, if you toy
with your lover's affections, you'll likely get
what's coming to you. It's advice that's as
sound now as it was then. In fact, the book's entire
section of lover's quarrels was quite the barn burner. It says that no man should
assume a domineering attitude over his future
wife, and if he does, she should get out of
there before the wedding. "A domineering lover
will be certain to be more domineering as a
husband," the book warns. Interestingly, it
also says, "Neither should there be provocation
to little quarrels for the foolish delight
of reconciliation." Victorian translation? Don't start fights just
for the makeup sex. 1880's Our Deportment, or the
Manners, Conduct and Dress of the Most Refined
Society warns men against trifling with a lady,
which it considers most unfair. The book firmly
states that a man "has no right to trifle
with a woman's feelings for mere sport,
nor has he a right to hide his own meaning
under the guise of jest." Similarly, women are
advised to take care not to give suitors
false hope and to leave them restless and unsettled. Interestingly, the book
frames such trifling behavior as affecting the sexes
in very different ways. Women, it says, will likely
have their feelings hurt. Men, on the other hand,
are likely to act out. According to the guide,
having his feelings hurt "may cause a man
to express himself or to shape his conduct
in such a manner as he would not
dream of doing were his suit utterly hopeless." Seems fair. "The Great Secret,
How to Elicit Love" is a section in Orson Squire
Fowler's Creative and Sexual Sciences, published in 1870. In this particular chapter,
Fowler advises men, "You inspire in
the one you court the precise feelings and traits
you yourself experience." To Fowler, this means that
a gentleman suitor's success must come from within,
not from the one courted. Fowler was so confident
in this principle that he described it as being
"as sure as gravity itself." Far less scientific in the
next chapter of the book, Fowler claims that God created
women to meet the needs of men, and the man should
think the woman is the most perfect and
best for them obtainable. It may not meet our current
sensibilities, but not too shabby, Victorian age. So what do you think? What would be your
ability to land a mate in the Victorian era? Let us know in the
comments below. And while you're at it, check
out some of these other videos from our Weird History.
