What Breakup Is Like For The Dismissive Avoidant | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

[Music] hi my name is heidi skibson and i'm the co-owner and creator of the personal development school this is your daily breakthrough video and in this video i'm going to talk a little bit about the dismissive avoidant and what their internal experience is as they go through a breakup specifically if they are the ones broken up with okay so this is based on a question from am inside of our school and before i dive into all this content um please like share and subscribe to the channel if you're getting a lot of value i would so appreciate it and also um please know that we are doing a sale to support anybody who's going through uncertainty and wants to connect with a community wants to do deep work on themselves while they're in a time of isolation so they can take something away from this time and at least come out having grown and navigated this as effectively as possible um so we're offering scholarship options if you reach out to our team at info personaldevelopmentschool.com and we are also offering a 25 off coupon code for our entire youtube community um the coupon code is with you it's all one word and i'll put a link in the description box below and also in this video so let's talk about it um a couple things so first and foremost um when the dismiss of avoidant okay let me backtrack actually to the very beginning dismissive avoidance have abandonment wounds they usually just don't know because it's almost deep enough and happens early enough that it becomes like unconscious and it's in these like competing needs with them deriving a sense of relief from having time alone so let me explain this we have like our unconscious mind which are sort of like the depths of our subconscious mind like the deeper layers and the deepest parts now these are where like a lot of our autonomic nervous system runs from a lot of our um or at least interacts with our unconscious mind this is also where um we have like deep memories that we can't necessarily retrieve our subconscious contains more easily retrievable things so for example if i'm sitting and something triggers me let's say and i'm like oh i feel bad i might be able to go okay why do i feel bad what mean am i what meaning am i giving to this situation and maybe i'll go oh you know i'm making this mean that i'm not good enough or i'm not loved or i'm not worthy or whatever it is and i might be able to check in even with like the core wound sheet that we have and look at the core wounds and feel what resonates and the act of doing that is the act of using your conscious mind to pull up and retrieve subconscious information and once we bring things into the light of our conscious mind it gets really easy to navigate to work with to work through to not attach to to not allow to just keep getting programmed in on autopilot like a lot of really powerful things come out of that so if this is what's happening right sometimes for the so if you look at it that way from like sort of the top down like we have our conscious mind then we have our subconscious where we have information that's retrievable like oh you know what stories am i telling what meaning am i giving what core wounds are showing up for me and even things like what do i need in this moment you're not necessarily consciously aware that you have an unmet need when you feel distressed or anxious but as you start to understand your needs and what they are and how they work then it's easy to retrieve that and emotions are actually your subconscious mind trying to get your attention and wake you up to recognize that you're either telling a painful story or you have unmet needs so that you can adapt or create change and then as a byproduct of that our emotional responses calm down they alleviate because we've done the work to help equilibrate and show up for them so emotions are beautiful guides that are meant to be recognized and inquired about and felt so when we look at how all of that information relates to the dismiss of avoidant what happens is they carry abandonment wounds that are so young usually and so consistent and so sort of under the radar that they're often more almost like unconscious level wounds and then what happens is if an emotion if a dismissal avoidant person gets emotionally neglected for long periods of time repetitively enough they just learn to like deeply repress at usually quite a young age for those people who are more intensely dismissive avoidant not like secure that turned to some avoidant after a long marriage in their 50s or something like that so so usually what happens is they go well trying to be vulnerable and getting my emotional connection needs met is not working and it doesn't feel good so i'm just going to like repress my needs for that altogether and in combination with that i also recognize that when i'm alone and i'm not needing emotional connection from others it creates some kind of relief so then they actually build in positive associations to being alone and they can become quite anxious about regulating themselves through being alone but then what's interesting and what takes place is they still have an abandonment wound deeper beneath the surface and this is part of what creates these ideas that something's wrong with me because of some of their experience of emotional abandonment this is what creates this idea that it's unsafe to be vulnerable because to some degree they associate that with emotional abandonment so when a dismissive avoidance is broken up with especially if they're so you know it's different if it's like three weeks into a relationship but if it's been a serious relationship and you've made it past the dating phase into the honeymoon phase there's some degree of commitment and care there and so when they get broken up with absolutely they experience their abandonment wounds and then you'll see a couple things either they'll push you back really hard okay and that push back really hard is designed there to like you know sometimes you'll see them shut down and get so cold and it's because that's their way that they've learned how to cope they've programmed themselves from a very young age that that's the way to feel better and that's what creates relief and so that program comes out so hard just like you know if aggression was something for somebody else or or violence you know to stay safe or whatever it is not saying any of that stuff is good but just you know whatever our coping mechanisms are obviously are going to come out tenfold during times of pain or suffering so that's number one for sure what's happening now am also goes in here to say um um he would sort of you know they this person her dismissive avoidance or his dismissive avoidance i just see the initials a.m um um was sort of like going back and forth like then would sometimes um he wouldn't ask to ask you to stay or chase you um but then try to say things to like get a reaction like oh i want to do this or i want to do that and so they're sort of in this intermediary period and she was saying like he wouldn't he would say things that were designed to sort of get a reaction from me but he and then he'd say sorry i didn't mean that and but at the same time he would sort of show up in the relationship to try to participate even though he was broken up with so what that's a sign of is like dismissive avoidance still shut down they then it's like this massive like wall to to climb to try to overcome those feelings of being shut down um to then participate in a relationship and try to make things work and so sometimes in those situations i will see this missive avoidance become sort of passive-aggressive and try to make remarks to see if you care because it's their way from behind their huge wall of trying to um poke at you and be like oh you did react which means you do care which means i might be safe to open up and so dismiss awards aren't really ones to test very often but they will test a lot in times like this and sometimes in the really early stages of relationships if they find themselves developing feelings more quickly than they're used to um and so my advice is that you know you cannot be in a relationship with somebody who's not willing to do the work as well it doesn't sound like the healthiest dynamic you could of course go to the person and say you know if you're willing if you want to try um though i don't think this person does but if you wanted to work something out you could say this is what i want this is what i need i don't want any of the games i don't want any remarks that's a non-negotiable if you want to participate and show up and do the work as well here's exactly what i'm needing from you i want to know exactly what's happening inside of you and from your perspective and if we put it on the table then maybe we can strategize and see if it's possible to work through these things and if the person shows up extremely well and brainstorms and wants to do the work and all these things which i know for some of you watching this you'll be like no they don't do that but they do i've seen it we're starting a pdf student of the month program and there's some really amazing dismissive avoidance inside of the school that have shown up and done the work tenfold and been incredible and i've seen so many clients in my practice over the years is it rarer than other attachment styles yes of course because dismissive ones are trying so hard to protect and repress their feelings but we're all human beings and some people will show up and do that work so you know we have to see that like if that's what we want to do instead of just trying to repress what we want and cut ties and move on and then wonder wander around with regrets if we really want just go have a conversation and see how it goes you might be surprised and if the person doesn't show up or doesn't even if they only show up this much maybe you're like you know what that's not worth my time and energy and then you get to make that healthy clear decision and again you get to walk away guilt and regret free so that's a little bit of what so so the one other thing i'll add in here actually is that yes dismissal avoidance um post breakup they can feel abandoned they will shut down their feelings they can sometimes have that abandonment creep out from the unconscious and sort of become more emotionally available to them and they'll notice they can experience a lot of pain for some dismissive avoidance where physical abandonment was a big thing um like they were actually literally abandoned um that abandonment can come on really strong for short periods of time and then they can really push away because they associate oh you're the person causing me to feel all this pain when in fact it might be a combination of you as the person and their stored emotional associations underneath so um they do feel abandonment they can feel pain sometimes they will rebound quickly to as a strategy to avoid pain maybe i'll do a separate video about that um but that is some of the inner world and what's taking place so i hope this all makes sense thank you so much for watching please like share and subscribe if you're getting a lot of value out of this channel and i will see you in the next video

Channel: The Personal Development School

Views: 76,975

Keywords: personal development school, thais gibson, personal development, mental health, personal growth, self improvement, self growth, self development, avoidant personality, avoidant attachment style, avoidant attachment, dismissive avoidants, dismissive avoidant attachment, dismissive attachment style, da, personal development school dismissive avoidant attachment, thais gibson dismissive avoidant attachment, dismissive avoidant breakup, dismissive avoidant after a breakup

Id: Wqus-W-nyjw

Length: 10min 24sec (624 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 15 2020