Welcome to the USA, Where Torturing Children is Legal.

so I was born to two immigrant parents my dad came from Cuba in the 1980s and my mom came from Honduras in the early 1990s they met and a few years later I was born born premature my mom told me about how basically I was a good chance I probably wouldn't have made it through that birth but luckily it went out without a hitch and here I am today but I really want to kind of focus on my data first so my dad was an ex-vet he was a very hard man very money driven very workaholic you know I don't have much recollection from when I was a kid most of that time very much their glimpses you know into the past whenever we would go to a winter festival down back in Florida or you know a family event I never really had much connection with him to be fair like he was still my dad and growing up he was the guy who put food on the table he was a guy who would take us seeing my grandpa to see my grandma to see my uncles and my cousins and my family friends and such um I was born the first of three kids I had two brothers my middle brother who was born a few years later and my little brother was born several years after I was always the quiet kid of the family never really went out much in terms of going to make friends I never really had good connections with kids and basically I tell by the wayside in terms of social experience doesn't help I'm also you know neurodivergent so that does have a bit of Factor on it but I remember like growing up how I would kind of fantasize about the games I played growing up you know whether it be Sonic or any other [ __ ] I grew up with but to continue going on my mom was basically the person I saw most of the time she was always there in the morning she's always there at night she was always there in the afternoon pick us up after school if I passed out in school while in elementary school she would come and pick me up while I was asleep and bring me home where I would feel like nothing would happen she was always my guardian angel and come I want to say early 2015. I start questioning certain beliefs that I I was was born in a Southern Baptist Family in a deep south so I very much had experiences that were very coddled in terms of what I've experienced and I had recently gotten my first smartphone and with that I had basically started discovering like oh well there's several people who enjoy games I like and during that time undertale was releasing and I was huge into that at the time really they came first and I started doing the Discord communities for that I joined the one of their official discords and I met my first experience with another trans person of course I didn't know I was trans at the time I was very much questioning everything I knew and believed in and I was very confused by the concept I didn't understand it I I couldn't wrap my head around it I thought that they were damaging themselves and it was very much a surreal experience to talk about to someone around that time it's a time uh Caitlyn Jenner came out and my dad had sat me down with my two brothers and I remember these words very vividly like these people they lie to themselves they are nothing but lying to themselves and believing Satan's lies they are no good than any other homosexual they are no good than any other transvestite they are just these sinful Abominations they hate themselves so much that they would rather live a fantasy than live in real and hearing those words they definitely left them and come about 2016 I start realizing that hey maybe I'm not straight you know maybe I'm maybe I'm gay it's that time I was still thinking it was a boy so I was like oh maybe I'm gay maybe just like dudes and my mom would kind of notice shifts in my mood and stuff like that and she always ask like hey what's up you know is something going on and of course I was homeschooled at the time I saw my mom every day she would be my teacher to be my cook she would be my character and I was like no I don't think anything's really wrong I'm just like kind of out of it come to find out that sometimes time before summer my mom had went through my phone and she read text I had with one trans person and they thought I was being ruined and they weren't they were just a fellow Miner I was asking questions because I was curious and I had mentioned passing in those conversations how I thought I was gay my family then approached me and said that we needed to have a talk and they said that I couldn't use the internet I couldn't be on there because it's too dangerous for someone like me and how I'm being fed lies and being groomed and all this stuff and they said that they were going to get me help and they would take me to this church group and of course I was still in the church at the time I I still liked going to youth groups I still liked seeing my friends that I made through there so I was like you know what you know I'll just play along with it maybe it's nothing too serious I've only had [ __ ] listened to my inner voice around summertime I was taken to a camp I didn't know much about it all I knew is that it was for other people struggling with the sin of homosexuality as they said I would later come to know that this was a conversion Camp didn't know at the time so I pretty much went along with it and all of it's a blur right like when you're given such a traumatic experience at such a age at a time in your life where you need to mature and grow it really scars you I remember glimpses of it whether it be walking on hot coals as a testament to believe in the faith or how they would dress us up in dresses and scream at us while calling us disease and excellers and you get the whole idea and then there's a few other things like being whipped with rods whenever we're shown uh explicit gay imagery and had Sensations about it and one eye vividly vividly remember was definitely being stuck in an ice bath well yes it was middle summer in the South being stuck in an ice bath for around three to four hours was a grueling Growing Experience that I it it gets to me it really does sorry [ __ ] that was about a whole week of hell that I've gone through it felt more like four months than it felt like a whole week I came back from that very much in a distraught State and because of that I had lost all faith in my family within my mom my brothers were told about where I went and how I was getting better my dad would then approach me in saying I hope you've changed as this was the hardest thing I had to do for you to make sure that you were safe and I never trusted him from any other point past that come around 2016 where I go into public high school right I very much was a social outcast I never really made too many friends the friends that I did make you know it was far and few between my family had prevented me from getting any sort of technology in my own personal possession the smartphone no tablet no laptop but I had school and because I had school in a fairly modern school you know I had ways to reach out to my friends who most had thought I had passed away or that I had been fully cut off and truly will never come back and you know it's good to know that you have a community somewhere right it's the same way I feel about being here in VR chat I like how I can have a community whether or not I'm truly integrated or not but it was a very much tough time throughout these few years I would end up dating older dudes because I need validation I wanted to make sure that I wasn't a phony that I wasn't some assisted I was wasn't someone fake I needed to know who I was what I was and at the time I'd fully come to Revelation right after that whole conversion Camp experience that I definitely wasn't gay well not in a direct sense I found I was pansexual a little bit later on but I had fully broken my egg and realized this trans and around this time I had you know basically started distancing myself from my family even more and they would hear about how my brother could spot me on a school computer and I would get lectured to and told about how I'm doing nothing about ruining my life and that if I continue doing this there will be no salvation for someone like me and that they're doing it all for the goodness of Their Own Heart how they love me how they want me to feel safe and unfortunately I can't go to my family about this how can I you know when you're thrown into a situation that you specifically are told that you can trust someone when they've purposely put you in a place where your trust is forever broken it it destroys you it it breaks you it it it really does hurt because throughout this whole time the only person I really had confided in for my feelings was my mom and I don't know if she'll ever see this I don't know if she ever will but I'll get back to that point in a bit but come my high school years I'm on and off between connecting towards my friends my folks you know like making new friends whether it be online or IRL never really much IRL but I started trying to Branch out myself and my family had recently taken me to a Christian therapist to make sure that I was still within the correct means of course when the Christian therapist kind of had a inkling of a thought that I might be Autistic or have ADHD my family shot at that they don't think that someone like me would be impaired by what would be to them a developmental disorder when you know in reality it explains quite a bit of why I have gone through such social distancing with my own brothers and my family but you know what can you do it was a self it sure may have been 2017 but like what can you do when your own family denies that vaccines are real or that someone with autism can function properly sorry I'm just so is there anything you'd want to ask before I continue so you have the Florida go into as much detail as you'd like but you don't have to if it's too much no no no it's fine let me discuss the ice path so early in the morning we're waking up from our bunks and told that we need to recognize that our faith has been wavering and this is mostly a blur so I'm kind of stringing things together but they would pick some of us out for duties whether it be manly or strengthening and for those of us who are more feeble they said that we need a shock to our system so for those of us that were built very small very skinny we were brought into Civic trials to prove our faith prove that we can make it through such experiences right one of those was breaking the cold of right we were each submerged into basically complete ice water for three to four hours in intervals of taking a break every two hours to make sure we didn't die of hypothermia or that we didn't experience anything that would cause us to get a severe sickness where it would end up having to be driven to the hospital and you know whether or not the hospital recognizes what's going on or not it's still legal stuff that they don't want to deal with so when you step into such a thing while you're being told you are lying to yourself you are nothing more than being a deceiver you are being nothing but a vessel for the devil well nothing but the cold inches through your skin and you can help it shiver and you're told to stop shivering as you're screamed that as you shouted at and told you gotta stop doing this you [ __ ] [ __ ] you gotta stop going on and shivering otherwise we're going to teach you more of a lesson and some of the boys didn't fully grasp that they had to try still as possible and they would get hit with frauds they would get slapped with belts they would get punched in the face and seeing that you can't not vividly recognize that when it comes to those poor kids from 14 to 16 that they have no one else to confide in they can't confide in people around them because collaboration would get you even longer time in what is essentially not only solitary confinement but freezing pain in the middle of the summer sure you can get out and you could probably warm up real fast but that doesn't beat them when you're pushed back in and you're nothing but submerged under cold water where your hair is dripping wet or shivering from head to toe with feels like prickly needles being pinched your hands your feet your legs chest it's just it's it's a feeling that you kind of never forget and now I live in a more Northern Area so it's something that I'm kind of coming accustomed to but you can't ever forget a sensation of being a kid who lived their entire life in warms humid Summers and you know hot Winters only to be thrown into the most freezing environment even if it's just a giant bowl of ice cubes but the whole idea of cold and anger and rage these people just had it's almost intoxicating with how vitriolic it is I'm sorry [ __ ] you're doing great thank you thank you another thing and this happened as like a first day trial was I walk on hot cold so you've probably seen this thing done for like luau's on TV or in Asian cultures but when you're purposely made to walk on Kohl's as a test of faith if you believe in God and you make it to the other side regardless of how burnt your feet are you'll be fine you'll make it through this okay you know where most of us would scoff at the idea of stepping on basically charring Red Wood right but unfortunately we had to go with it and this is one thing that I remember one of the boys you know in of the group basically it was a trial by fire and in a quite literal sense most of us had scoffed at the idea of experiencing it and one of the boys six foot four around that that size around 16 decides to run for the gate and the gate was lined with very sharp razor wire and he ends up cutting it's most of his arteries while trying to scale over it and he was rushed to the hospital we didn't get to see him again we didn't know what happened they just said don't worry about him he was weak oh my God and and it's it's it's it's ironic looking back to be told that's weak and you know it's some of the other some of the others went through less things to to be able to make it through he did his best to get out as soon as possible because he probably knew what was coming or most of us had no other choice but to endure that living hell you know every so often within the middle of the day we would be taken to a counselor and they would ask how we would feel you know and I couldn't really explain myself I said like I hope that I recover I couldn't make out any words other than you know I hope I recover I hope that my trust in God's faith can heal me and I have nothing against Christians right I have several Christian friends I know they don't all bad people some of my best family friends they are Christian right and they don't mean ill will but to be confronted in a space where if you were to slip up would cause your punishment and Punishment of those who were around you you have to basically lie to save yourself and this later on will come to bite me in the ass with my family later not trusting anything I say a because they found me to be a habitual liar from that point on which what can I do you know like how can I tell you the truth when last time you found out the truth I got nothing but shame and anger and ridicule and then thrown to the wolves and hoped to man up to come back a better person how can you how can you how can you tell them at this time did you still consider yourself Christian or are you fully deprogrammed out of it during that whole event I already had to start questioning my beliefs about a year beforehand but once I've went through that experience I basically had became a full atheist I couldn't bear the idea of an organized religion yeah not that I hate Christians or anything I do want to make that clear it's definitely something that changes you changes how you see organizations like that how they affect people you could see that from nowadays from what's going on with certain states in the US and how they're doing things with laws because religion mandates it and how things are becoming more fundamentalist and it's scary because you think you escaped hell only to find out that was only in the beginning and it's going to follow you for the rest of your life how does one even cope with that how do you hey how do you how do you how do you even go forward without realizing that what you do is is essentially be part of the cycle where one kid realizes that their experiences are you know their own and that their family does not like agree with that and whenever they start talking about it only thing their family knows how to do is to try to fix them because it's always their fault right you know I can't blame my mom for being confused right she she didn't know if she did something wrong she didn't know what would happen to me my dad on the other hand is a hard person right I've never really been too connected like that as I've said before but he approached me a few days after that and he he as I said earlier I hope you've changed or or else I can't go forward with you as a person right he's told me about how when he was younger in the early 80s he would beat the [ __ ] out of queer people right because they would either touch him or they wouldn't talk to him funny and he would find that to be very very frustrating and that he could not do anything but hate himself for letting those people get to him and hate that those people are taking advantage of those around them to support a lie it's it's hard because I see that happening to my brothers where my middle brother he's a very hot-headed kid right he grew up very hot-headed he was the middle child he always got the short end of the stick I can't blame him right but it's sad to see family members that you grew up with that you've seen since birth turn into such vile individuals how do you go forward with the idea of my family will never look at me the same way again you know but to rap back to the experiences I had I know some of the boys had talked about how they are shown certain videos of explicit gay activities if they ever had in Sensations they would be flogged with cane sticks and how they would be basically thrown to the side and said what are you why do you feel like that you need to be some disgrace to God and like I can't truly remember if I had experienced that it's very hard to remember something like that I can't even imagine how I could retain such memories about suppressing them for fully but there's probably a good chance it did happen and it's probably why I'm so adverse to when people discuss speeding the crap out of cross trusters or people who are gender non-conforming how I feel pent-up anxiety just go into my hands and my arms and I feel nothing but shake and quiver at the thought of how defenseless I would be in that situation just trying to express myself only for people to truly see nothing but an enemy sorry we're okay is there anything I can do for you right now it's fine I just need I just need to get through this okay you're doing great thank you is there anything you would want to know more about either what happened after or how I kind of coped past that like I don't I thought it sounds hilarious I said do you want to know more about my trauma but it's like you know it's something I gotta talk about you know I've sat here in this game next to over a hundred people and heard about some of the worst [ __ ] Humanity has ever experienced I don't think I've ever been this shook this is kind of [ __ ] me up dude I'm yeah it's mind-blowing that you're still alive to be frank let's actually talk about that so throughout my time in high school I had dealt with severe depression and anxiety I had made some trans friends at high school even in Deep South you'll always find someone and while I wasn't completely 100 out at the time I still knew of me you know as a person me as Jennifer and not my dead name self right and I remember talking to some of my friends and you know I had been coping by going to very very toxic places right whether it be 4chan or Reddit or some stuff like that just type of like circle jerk of self-hate and self-wallowing because when you go through an experience where you're traumatized and told you are nothing but a liar and a Seer to yourself you you just kind of internalize that self-hatred I had ended up one night in my sophomore year bawling myself to bed and trying to overdose on Benadryl right I was lucky enough where one of my friends online had to catch that I had snuck a phone from school into my room and nearly 50 people had reached out to me and saying you got this don't die on me don't lose don't don't lose this battle you you have to keep going and you know that that [ __ ] broke me it did to know that people even people I hadn't talked to for a solid few months right would just come out and be so worried about me when all I could think was I am nothing but a disgrace to my family to my culture to my entire well-being and I had ended up basically punching myself in the gut so hard where I threw up most of it and had ended up passing out in my bathroom until at least 10 in the morning but you know my parents hadn't suspected a thing because I had made precautions if I was to leave this phone out they can't find it I'll put it in between some books I'll make sure that it's as out of sight out of mind as possible and I had and ended up throwing all over the bathroom floor and on my toilet and it was surreal scene half salt pills and your own bile just mixed together and thinking what the [ __ ] have I been doing to myself and this wasn't the end of any sort of experiences right this was just one of the ones that truly made me question where I was going and what I was doing come the end of sophomore year one of my friends had ended up passing by their own hands and I had started to make a promise to myself that if if anything I have to make 18. if my friends who are teenagers they they go on without me right I owe it to them to at least get to 18 and be like hey guys I did it I made it I'm here I'm I'm still going and and here I am still but I've turned 21 on a month eh you know it it's hard when all you can do is realize that there's so many friends that you had that you lost boots couldn't couldn't believe they were I'm sorry I'm sorry I fear well and sheer determination as pretty much kept me going the fact that I have done such accomplishments as moving out of Florida all by my own hand to a much better place more welcoming Place supported by friends it's it's a good feeling but you you can't help but feel like you could have done more in your time in this one chapter in my life it hurts and I made it to 18 all right you know as soon as I turned 18 I moved in with my aunt and it was a little bit better things got a little bit better 2020 happened and that was a year and a half but I had started picking up trans activism at the time and it became really really useful as a way to help start coping with my emotions to start being out there for those who are being attacked or being seen as the enemy and of course I couldn't stop everything I was just one person with only a group of few people but I had started learning more and I had started trying to better myself I had gotten on estrogen finally and I had done some attempts to move out right I had tried to move an elephant X but within a week he dumped me and I had to move back much to my family's dismay of abandoning them and trying not to tell them anything second time happened while I didn't move in with my most recent acts and it was good for a few months but it was in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't really find a job that easily I had burned out most of my savings and had to move back luckily this time it was more on a decent note my family but they had made it clear that if I'm to stay in Florida there's two conditions either I get into college with my own money of course I hadn't on that time essentially and I wasn't going to take out loans I have a personal motive to never really go into debt or unless and going through these emotional train wrecks I had considered enlisting several times and I have no ill will to Veterans right it's a system and it is a very manipulative system if you know anything about recruiters or anything like that you'll know that they will prey on those who are poor who are mentally unwell who are seeking seeking a way out and to be told by my family that I have no choice other than either I go out and become a drone or I send myself into debt trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life these last few months they had been very much turbulent right I have been dealing with you know my family having to forbid me out of you know all living in their own home and paying off my own car and everything forbid using the Wi-Fi that I can't use my own phone in my own house and that I can't even have my computer set up we know I'm in a better place than we are now again so that's great but it was really frustrating to be in a situation where you're reliving your own childhood your own teenage years and you felt like you've never escaped so I had been talking to quite a few friends that are in the Pacific Northwest region right and I had made a decision that [ __ ] it I'm going I'm Not Looking Back I had bought some bags I packed up my PC I packed up most of my clothes most of my accessories my little doodads and knickknacks and on October the 3rd while saying to my parents oh I'm gonna be late at work because I work usually late nights I had went to the airport of Tampa I checked into my flight never looked back [ __ ] yeah now here I am in my new chapter in my life but it's still haunted you know it really does especially with my mom my family isn't the best right like a few months before him my brother beat the [ __ ] out of me saying that I would never make it in the military I was on the floor bloody my nose was [ __ ] up you know I was basically curb stomped him beside my mom's bed frame right I I know he's a [ __ ] up guy right I can't fully blame him for being an awful individual but I I can't I can't respect someone like that who would just throw someone who is much more shorter much lighter much physically weaker especially since I had been doing estrogen for about eight months of that time all undercover and my family had prevented me from even going to Cops about it because it would be too much work and too much issues brought to me and him enlisting he's now fully graduated from Air Force boot camp you know good for him I guess but I personally had no respect for him at that point my little brother I'll give him this right he's a good kid right he's a little [ __ ] boy in high school he's huge into all his music artists he he likes to make album Arts as a little fun hobby and I'll say this he's a good kid right it's a bit misguided but he he has a good life ahead of him he's always been the baby child and I will no say that hey bro listen I hope you're doing good I hope you're doing well if you ever come across this video I really thought you will but I know we never really connected much but hey I hope you're doing good bro that's all I can really wish for you it's weird because it's something that you don't really recognize until you finally have gone fully away no contact no nothing it really hurts the most my mom she was always the one who was there for me she was always the one who take care of me would go behind my dad's back to help me either getting a job of getting whatever I wanted for Christmas with getting a new console after four years of using an Xbox 360 in the early 2010s you know she was always the one to make it happen and I abandoned her I had no choice but I abandoned my mom and it really really does hurt because she she was the one who was really there for me the day I left my hunter so tired so like I'm gonna be home late I love you good luck with my brother had a swimming at the time my younger brother left the swim meet I hope to see you later let me grab my phone so I can sell you the last message I sent to her because this is this is where it's going to get me I sent her an email at 3am on October the 8th I'm safe hey Mom I'm leaving for a safe place I'll reach out to you if I want to be in contact I wish you very well I love you right because I don't want to give her too much information but I really didn't want to just leave her to the idea that I may have gone away and never would have come back her message to me I don't get it you're in a safe place you used our safe place to go to who knows where you know that's not such a safe place wherever you are it's that it's me that you've lied to yourself into us and it breaks my heart I hope that you are not being used and that you will make good decisions about destroy your life God bless you child I wish I could just call her tell her that I really had no choice and I had to do this for myself how can how can I tell her you did the right thing I know like a feather it was for the better of you was trauma for the better me it was depression Suicidal Thoughts was L that worth it was all of that worth keeping a son who never really exists I don't hate her I never will she was bought in by our culture's sake of machismo she was bought in by my father's very conservative views and very moralistic views I became the person I am today because of all the [ __ ] I've gone through while it was not a perfect person I'm far from it all I hope is that some poor kid out there doesn't feel the exact same [ __ ] I went through because I know too many is that have gone through some same [ __ ] from going through a literal conversion camp to getting groomed by older men because you wanted validation for being like a girl that you wanted to truly feel authentic and not feel like some emasculated piece of [ __ ] once you feel that you are loved to lie to go through so much just to maintain your sanity and to maintain structure what can you do you know all I just wish is that whoever watches this right if you're going through something if you're going through such traumas if you've experienced such living hell you weren't alone I can be promised you're not alone because I know I'm not and I want you to know that you're not alone too doesn't matter if your CIS trans black Latino Asian white doesn't matter what as long as you have good morals and good determination you will make it through it I promise you because I sure did and I left everything I knew behind whether or not I truly feel like it was worth it is yet to be told but I I'm doing better got a lot of [ __ ] to work through I got a lot of feelings that I can't describe each word that I can't put into a notepad but I still made it I've closed that chapter in my life and whether or not I you know whether or not I maintain a place whether or not I get a good job whether or not I have a home or not I made it so can you hey Mom I'm sorry I love you I really do your child still is here and she loves you she always will regardless of whether or not you believe her to exist [Music] I think it's boring but I'm interested

Channel: Azeal

Views: 158,526

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Id: a0VDOA7sMh0

Length: 36min 15sec (2175 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 12 2022