Welcome to Nero's House - AD 67

rogues gallery real historical figures conducting themselves in a disgraceful manner don't forget to Like and subscribe Niro's having a toga party dancing till you puke at the Golden House Lucius Domitius enobarbus Nero Rome AD 68 whose idea of a party was that what a waste of time I thought it'd be like one of those old back an alien do's before they got out Lord you know flowing rivers of wine and lots of juicy coupling but no out of had more fun hanging out with a bunch of Christians you know how dull they are I mean you don't get asked to one of Emperor Nero's gatherings every day especially not at the Golden House so I was well excited when I got the invite do you remember four years ago during the Saturnalia when he threw a party for the whole city I had food poisoning so I missed it but he handed out gold pieces to every citizen ordering them to spend it on nothing but pleasure there were boats full of prostitutes anchored in the reservoir all arranged in order of age sex and specialities my mate spoke of nothing else for weeks after one of them could hardly walk and at the end of the day the Emperor put on a wedding dress and married some bloke called Pythagoras loudly consummating the nuptials for all to see now that's how you throw a party Nero's are born entertainer they said and always determine not to miss out a second time I feel like a bit of a fool now I'll tell you one thing though at Domus Aurea is one hell of a place makes your Villa look a bit it must have cost Nero a fortune imagine the biggest palace you've ever seen and then cover the walls in gold really gold walls it's like a little city all by itself in 125 acres of land stretching from the Palatine to the Esquiline hills all sprawled around this huge man-made lake to get there you've got to walk through huge gardens full of fruit trees and herbs past your land full of farm animals vineyards and wheat fields full of grapes and wheat obviously there's even a private zoo well Jupiter knows what it's full of but the creatures have come from all over the Empire they reckon he emptied the entire city's Treasuries just to build it and this right after the big fire that was his opportunity you see he confiscated the land from the aristocracy owned it and then got an army of builders to work night and day for four years to knock up his funhouse from scratch apparently when it was finished Nero said good now I can at least begin to live like a human being well he's hardly been living in an outhouse before and you try saying that to some poor Freedman who's just seen everything he owns go up in flames I tell you I thought the Emperor might be a bit flash when I rocked up the mile-long colonnaded pathway to the entrance and saw this 120 foot tall bronze statue of him staring down at me his colossus neurones is perched on a bloody great plinth that's taller than two men on its own I mean who needs a 120 foot statue of themselves compensating much actually the statue looks a little bit like the Sun God's soul so if the Senate ever want to reuse it once Nero's dead of course that might be an idea it'd certainly save him a few sister sees anyway the closer I get I realized that some of the walls aren't just covered in gold putting precious stones as well I thought to myself this is gonna be a top night you remember when Caligula turned his palace into a brothel and then declared himself a god I wish I'd been to that so anyway I walk in and the feast is in full swing everybody's tucking into stuffed South wombs peacock tongues and roasted dormice now as usual you're expected to gorge yourself until you can't eat anymore and then puke into one of the special bowls the host leaves lying around so you can get stuck right back in again it was feels sorry for the poor slave who's got a crawl around on the floor mopping up after those guests who fail to reach them of course at a normal feast you might pop to the lavatory to throw up your ostrich eggs but the golden house doesn't have any 300 rooms and nowhere to have a crap there are huge baths where you can relax in water heated by underground Springs which is brought in by an aqueduct but in a Palace full of drunk and food stuffed people with no toilets I wasn't sure how much fun a dip in those would be with all the tinkling fountains and fragrant pools everywhere I had to keep popping outside apart from a couple of occasions when I used an empty wine jug there are no bedrooms either even Nero doesn't sleep here the whole place is just dedicated to partying and not an inch of its wasted not even on kitchens all the foods brought in from outside it's basically a two-story palace of dining rooms in a constant state of permanent celebration they've all got these inlaid ivory roofs that have got sliding panels built into them every so often that open up and you'd get sprayed with perfume from little sprinklers or showered with rose petals I didn't mind the smell but after a while I couldn't see what I was eating so it was covered in bloody plant life the bloke lying next to me said that at one party so many rose petals fell from the ceiling that some poor guy got smothered in them and suffocated I'm not sure if I believe him though he was a bit pissed but the best room in the house is the kinesio rotunda the main banqueting-hall it's this absolutely enormous circular building covered by a huge dome which is open at the top select sun and moon lighting the weirdest thing is though that while you're eating you notice that the room is slowly rotating it's turning constantly apparently in time to the movement of the Sun and the moon day and night I'm not sure how it all worked the floor sits on these rolling stone balls so that it can physically turn but I don't know what did the actual turning I assumed it was cranked by slaves although I heard somebody say that Nero it had special canals built under the floor so it's actually powered by flowing water either way it was bloody impressive so I'm sat there marveling at the architecture and waiting for the fun to start but it was all bloody poets and musicians and actors and I'm like where's the [ __ ] now I know a lot of people who don't live in Rome think that we spend all of our time having orgies and you and I both know that that's complete rubbish group sex isn't the done thing in houses of quality although if I'm visiting a brothel and some extra girls or boys want to share my couch I don't say no who does but I at least thought because Nero was artistic that he'd be a bit decadent I should have stayed at home he stands in the center of the room right all eyes on him and starts playing the bloody liar and it goes on for hours he thinks he's a talented artist now I don't know much about art but I can tell you he shouldn't give up his day job when it's finally over I think here we go but then he starts reciting poetry and he's an even worse poet than he is a liar player he'd had all the doors locked so nobody could leave I've heard one woman went into labor to avoid having to sit through one of Nero's poetry recitals and several men have pretended to collapse and die just so they'd be carried out I certainly felt like giving that one a go I can tell you then suddenly the room begins filling up with wantin girls and boys who all mingled and flirted with the guests the prostitutes at last I selected one of each and was just settling into an alcove for some private time when Nero shouts the Sun is setting come and see how I illuminate my garden so I fasten my tunic and off we go outside at first I think that the bundles of sack tighter wooden posts are some kind of rustic decoration but when one of them starts sobbing and begging for mercy I realize that they're actually Christians rolled in tar and you know how much Nero hates Christians he blames them for everything which is a bit unfair the Roman mob folk doesn't care as long as there's a group of people those in charge say it's perfectly acceptable to blame their shitty lives on and they're as happy as pan anyway Nero clapped his hands and all the torches were lit he was right it was quite a quirky way of lighting up your garden but the screams of men and women being burned to death kind of spoiled the effect so I went back inside I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Nero's got a cruel streak after all he poisoned his arms with a fatal laxative and then kicked his pregnant second wife Poppaea to death just for complaining that he was home late from the races you know he was so upset about that that when he married his third wife Messalina after forcing her husband to commit suicide mind you he found a feminine looking lad named sporos who strongly resembled papaya and married him as well second time he's done that only this time spora swore the dress he had the guy castrated first so he'd be even more like his ex-wife and said the big day was quite the public event not sure how much sports enjoyed it so I go back inside and try to get my two companions to give me the sing - which by now I desperately need when one of them the woman I think starts going on about Nero party trick apparently if an evening isn't as much fun as he thinks it should be he covers himself in animal skins and has himself locked in a metal cage he then has Christian prisoners obviously tighter stakes in front of him he starts growling and snarling like some kind of wild animal and when he's worked himself up into a riled State one of his slaves unlocks the cage and out he bounds on all fours if you're one of the Christians you might think this is a little weird perhaps even a bit funny but then he sinks his teeth into your nethers and savages your genitals to learn nothing more than bloody scraps that wipes the smile off your face I can tell you I guess he's re-enacting how real wild beasts execute prisoners very artistic oh then he has he killed obviously well by this time the mood was well and truly spoiled even a cartload of Vestal Virgins and a couple of gladiators couldn't have got me warmed up so I made my excuses and left I don't mean to be disrespectful but Nero is such a [ __ ] he has to be the absolute best at everything even though he's not everybody knows that he's not but they're too scared to tell him it's all me me me me you know he went to Greece last year to compete in the Olympics because he's such an amazing athlete he awarded himself nearly 2,000 gold medals even though he was so bad at Chariot Racing that he fell out at the first Bend I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if he threw a good orgy but he so up himself he can't even do that I wouldn't be surprised if he's forced to commit suicide sometime soon when the Senate finally has enough of him that'll be worth a party you you

Channel: Rogues Gallery Online

Views: 135,750

Rating: 4.7975459 out of 5

Keywords: history, history documentary, nero, emperor nero golden house, golden house rome, Domus Aurea, domus aurea BANQUETING HALL RECONSTRUCTION, domus aurea facts, emperor nero, who was nero, The Golden House, what was the Domus Aurea, domus aurea rome, mad emperor nero, emperor nero palace, emperor nero evil, domus aurea reconstruction, domus aurea inside, emperor nero rome, neros domus aurea rome, the golden house of nero, the golden house of domus aurea

Id: VxuZuIYzK-w

Length: 10min 54sec (654 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 13 2018