>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THE JURY IN HIS DEFAMATION KASZ HAS ORDER DUMP TO PAY WRITER E. JEAN CAROL $83.3 MILLION, AND TRUMP IS A BILLIONAIRE, SO OBVIOUSLY HE IMMEDIATELY HIT UP YOUR GRANDMA FOR FIVE BUCKS. THEY ORDERED TRUMP TO PAY $83 MILLION. THAT'S HOW UNLIKABLE HE IS. O.J. SIMPSON ONLY HAD TO PAY 33 MILLION FOR A DOUBLE MURDER. >> HE DIDN'T EVEN DO IT. >> OKAY. WELL. [ LAUGHTER ] THIS TRIAL MUST HAVE DRIVEN TRUMP CRAZY. THE JUDGE KEPT TELLING HIM TO SHUT UP. THE JURY MADE HIM PAY TRIPLE WHAT THE JURY ASKED FOR. EVEN THE COURTROOM SKETCH ARTIST MADE HIM LOOK -- MADE HIM LOOK LIKE THAT LADY WHO GOT HER FACE RIPPED OFF BY A MONKEY. THE ONLY WAY THIS COULD'VE GONE WORSE FOR TRUMP IS IF THEY TOOK AWAY HIS BUSINESSES, WHICH IS OF COURSE WHAT HAPPENS IN NEXT WEEK'S TRIAL. >> AFTER RON DeSANTIS ENDORSED TRUMP, HE CALLED DeSANTIS A REALLY TERRIFIC PERSON. WELL, IT'S LIKE A WISE MAN ONCE SAID. >> YOU CAN BE THE MOST WORTHLESS REPUBLICAN IN AMERICA, BUT IF YOU KISS THE RING, HE'LL SAY YOU'RE WONDERFUL. >> WELL. AFTER THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY, NIKKI HALEY ATTACKED DONALD TRUMP AND CALLED OUT HIS, QUOTE, SENIOR MOMENTS, WHICH MADE TRUMP SO ANGRY, HE ALMOST RIPPED OFF THE SAFETY RAILS ON HIS TOILET. [ LAUGHTER ] >> HAILEY ALSO CALLED TRUMP TOTALLY UNHINGED AND CALLED FOR HIM TO TAKE A MENTAL COMPETENCY TEST, AND HERE'S SOME FOOTAGE OF TRUMP TRYING TO BUZZ IN WITH HIS ANSWERS. >> DING, DING, DING, SHING, POO. >> SEE. HE'S FINE. HASN'T LOST A STEP. TRUMP DID HAVE A SLIGHT STUMBLE THIS WEEK WHILE TALKING ABOUT BANKS, AND HE INTRODUCED A NEW TERM CALLED DEBANK. >> WE'RE GOING TO PAY STRONG PROTECTIONS TO STOP BANKS AND REGULATORS FROM TRYING TO DEBANK YOU. THEY'RE GOING TO DEBANK YOU, AND WE'RE GOING TO DEBANK -- >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL DEBANK MEANS, BUT HE MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE D AMBULANCE TO SEE D DOCTOR. >> PRESIDENT BIDEN IS PLANNING TO SEND THE DIRECTOR OF THE CIA TO BROKER A DEAL BETWEEN ISRAEL AND HAMAS BECAUSE NO ONE EASES TENSIONS IN THE MIDDLE EAST QUITE LIKE THE CIA. THEY'RE LIKE THE DRAYMOND GREEN OF PEACEFUL SOLUTIONS. SINCE THE ABORTION BAN TOOK EFFECT IN TEXAS, THE NUMBER OF TEENAGERS GIVING BIRTH IN THE STATE ROSE FOR 15 YEARS, WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR MY NEW STORE, MICHAEL CHE'S MATERNITY PROM DRESSES. I LIKE THIS CROWD. >> YEAH. >> LILY GRADSTONE IS THE FIRST NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN TO BE NOMINATED FOR BEST ACTRESS. THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S A HISTORIC MOMENT. HER FELLOW NOMINEES ARE CALLING IT, PLEASE DON'T LET US WIN. GLADSTONE'S NOMINATION COMES AFTER SEVERAL NATIVE AMERICAN ACTORS WERE SNUBBED IN THE PAST, INCLUDING JOHNNY DEPP IN LONE RANGER. >> THE JAPANESE MOVIE GODZILLA MINUS ONE RECEIVED A SURPRISE OSCAR NOMINATION FOR VISUAL EFFECTS. ALSO, THE GODZILLA PREQUEL, "OPPENHEIMER." >> SPIRIT AIRLINES SHARES HAVE FALLEN 58% AFTER A FEDERAL JUDGE BLOCKED A MERGER WITH JET BLUE. SO NOW THE ONLY WAY SPIRIT AND JET BLUE WILL MERGE IS MIDAIR. [ LAUGHTER ] WELL, OSCAR NOMINATIONS WERE ANNOUNCED ON TUESDAY, AND MANY CRITICS HAVE BEEN BREAKING DOWN THE FIRST TIME NOMINEES AND SURPRISE SNUBS. HERE TO COMMENT IS A GUY NAMED ETHAN. >> HEY, EVERYONE! HEY, COLIN. THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME. I'M ETHAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HI, ETHAN. SO DO YOU WORK FOR THE OSCARS OR SOMETHING? >> NO. I COULD. BUT I ACTUALLY STARTED MY OWN AWARDS SHOW FOR MOVIES THAT REALLY AMUSED ME, ETHAN. I'M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THIS YEAR'S NOMINEES FOR BEST PERFORMANCE THAT REMINDED ME FROM MOMENTS OF ETHAN'S PAST. THE MOMENTS ARE BRADLEY COOPER MARRYING A WOMAN, MAESTRO, BEEN THERE. PAUL'S EYE CONDITION, THE HOLDOVERS, BEEN THERE. AND FINALLY, THE CHICKENS BUILDING A FORT, CHICKEN RUN, DONNA THE NUGGET. I AIN'T NO CHICKEN, BUT I'VE BEEN THERE. >> YOU'VE BEEN THERE? I'M SORRY. THAT AWARD DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. >> I KNOW. THERE'S SOME SERIOUS SNUBS. I'M SO OFFENDED. >> WAIT. YOU'RE OFFENDED? DON'T YOU CHOOSE WHO GETS NOMINATED AT THE ETHANS? >> YEAH. IT'S A REAL PROBLEM. THE LACK OF DIVERSITY. THE ACADEMY IS 100% ASIAN. THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING EVERYONE HERE TONIGHT TO DONATE TO THE #ETHAN SO ASIAN. >> I'M SORRY. YOU WANT PEOPLE TO DONATE TO WHAT? WHO'S IN THE ACADEMY FOR THE ETHANS? >> HERE'S A PHOTO FROM THE ETHAN ACADEMY'S LAST MEETING. >> IS THAT YOUR BABY? >> WHAT? NO. I'M ONLY 15. >> I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. >> WELL, FINE. I WAS BORN ON LEAP DAY, SO I'M ACTUALLY 60. >> OKAY. >> ASIAN DON'T RAISIN. RIGHT, COLIN? >> ANYWAY. WHAT DO A LOT OF THE ETHAN AWARDS AT LEAST GO TO ASIAN PEOPLE? >> NO! I GET TOO JEALOUS WHEN ANY OF THEM WIN ANYTHING. IT'S A REAL PROBLEM. >> OKAY. THAT'S REALLY TOO BAD. >> BUT THE ETHANS HAVE A NEW CATEGORY THIS YEAR, SUPER EXCITING, ETHAN, I, WILL BE HANDING OUT THE AWARD FOR MOVIE MOMENT THAT MADE ETHAN SAY, OKAY, WAIT, WHAT, NICE. THE NOMINEES ARE, THE DANCING "BARBIE." THE PENIS DANCING "SALTBURN." AND FINALLY, THE DIGITAL ARTIST THAT CREATED FLOUNDER FOR REMINDING ME OF MY EX, REST IN PEACING WITH THE LITTLE MERMAID. >> I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND THAT CATEGORY EITHER. >> HOW'S THAT ANY DIFFERENT FROM THE OSCARS, COLIN? >> AMEN. >> AMEN? ETHAN. [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S TIME FOR OUR IN MEMORIAM SEGMENT. >> WHAT? OKAY. THAT WAS BLANK! >> I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO DIED THIS YEAR. ANOTHER BLESSED YEAR FOR ETHAN. YEAH! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND FINALLY, I'M SO HONORED TO BE ACCEPTING AN ETHAN THIS YEAR. MAY I, COLIN? >> I GUESS SO, SURE. >> THIS IS ETHAN'S FIRST WIN AND 700th NOMINATION. >> WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH. BUT I WANT TO THANK ME FOR BELIEVING IN ME, AND I WANT TO SAY TO MYSELF IN FRONT OF ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, GO, GIRL, WITH YO BAD SELF. YOU DID THAT. >> YEAH. I DON'T -- YEAH, THAT WAS NIECY NASH'S SPEECH FOR THE EMMYS THIS YEAR. >> WHAT? NO. THIS IS MY LIVED EXPERIENCE. FINALLY, I ACCEPT THIS AWARD ON BEHALF OF ALL BLACK WOMEN. >> ETHAN FROM THE ETHANS, >> IT'S BEEN RUMORED THAT DISNEY WORLD HAS PLANS TO INSTALL A MATERNITY WARD INSIDE THE MAGIC KINGDOM SO GUESTS CAN GIVE BIRTH AT THE PARK. THE ONLY CATCH IS GOOFY GETS TO WATCH. THAT'S NOT A DEAL BREAKER, IS IT? >> A MAN IN CALIFORNIA WAS ARRESTED AFTER HE WENT TO A PLANET FITNESS, TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES AND THREATENED PEOPLE WITH A KNIFE, WHICH TO BE FAIR IS THE ONLY WAY PLANET FITNESS LETS YOU CANCEL YOUR MEMBERSHIP. >> THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE SPANISH SOCCER OPERATION IS BEING CHARGED WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT FOR KISSING A FEMALE PLAYER WITHOUT HER CONSENT. IF CONVICTED, SHE WILL BE ALLOWED ONE FREE KICK. THAT WAS A NICE LITTLE WORD JOKE. >> A 99-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN CANADA BROKE THREE SWIMMING RECORDS FOR HER CLASS IN ONE DAY UNTIL FINALLY SOMEONE NOTICED SHE HAD FALLEN IN. >> TWO MUSEUMS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL RETURN GOLD AND SILVER ART FACTS THAT WERE LOOTED 150 YEARS AGO FROM GHANA. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE'S STILL NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT THE PEOPLE LOOTED FROM GHANA. THERE IS GROWING INTEREST IN MAN CAMPS WHERE MEN TRY TO RECLAIM THEIR MASCULINITY BY ATTENDING MILITARY STYLE BOOT CAMPS AND BEING BERATED BY DRILL INSTRUCTORS. BUT THEN AT NIGHT, BIG GAY ORGY. I TELL YOU, I LIKE THIS CROWD. >> A PLANE IN BRAZIL WAS STRANDED ON THE RUNWAY AFTER THE PLANE'S WING WAS COVERED BY A SWARM OF BEES, BEES WHO WORKED TOGETHER TO SPELL OUT, WING IS MISSING SCREWS. >> WELL, WITH THE ELECTION LESS THAN A YEAR AWAY, 2024 IS SHAPING UP TO BE A BIG YEAR. HERE TO GIVE US A SENSE OF WHAT'S IN STORE IS THE GREAT BRITISH PSYCHIC TARO CARD READER, JAN JANBI. >> MICHAEL, NEW YORK, NEVER DID I THINK I WOULD GET ON SNL, OR WAS IT IN THE CARDS? >> YEAH, YOU READ CARDS. >> YES, MICHAEL. I'M A CLAIRVOYANT. BUT MAINLY, I JUST FLIP CARDS. CARE FOR A FORTUNE? >> WHY NOT? HOW'S THE ELECTION GOING TO GO? >> YES, YES. GREAT SPIRIT, TELL NO LIES. ELECTION REFLECTION, THE CARDS DECIDE. KISS THE TOP CARD. KISS IT. >> KISS IT? >> ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE. OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR INDEED. >> WHAT? WHAT DO YOU SEE? >> SO HERE WE HAVE THE NEWSMAN CARD. >> THERE'S A NEWSMAN CARD? >> YES, I THINK THIS IS ABOUT YOU, MICHAEL. LET'S SEE. AND THE HOUR GLASS. THAT COULD BE TIME. THAT COULD BE AN HOUR OF SORTS? >> WELL, I AM TAPING AN HOUR FOR MY NEW STANDUP SPECIAL. >> YES, YES, THE CARD PREDICTS THIS SPECIAL WILL BE YOUR -- OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR INDEED. MICHAEL, IT'S THE TOILET. >> THE TOILET? >> YES, YES. SOMETHING GOING DOWN, SOMETHING BEING FLUSHED, PERHAPS A CAREER OR RATINGS OR MONEY OR A CAREER AGAIN. DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND SPOT ON? #. >> HOLD ON. ARE YOU SAYING THAT I'M GOING TO LOSE MY CAREER THIS YEAR? >> NOT NECESSARILY. >> OKAY. WELL, WHAT ELSE COULD THE CARDS TELL US? ANYTHING ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL? >> OH, YES, WHO WILL WIN THE DREADED AMERICAN PIG SKIN. OINK GO THE CARDS, PIG GO THE SKIN. KISS THE TOP CARD, LICK IT. >> LICK IT? >> WHAT A STRANGE LITTLE TONGUE YOU HAVE. >> ALL RIGHT. >> ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE. OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR INDEED. I'M SEEING THE NEWSMAN AGAIN. THE CARDS AREN'T DONE WITH YOU. AND THEN, THE RIVER OF COINS. HUH. SO THE NEWSMAN IS GIVING A GREAT, GREAT DEAL OF MONEY. BUT TO WHOM? HUH. ONLYFANS. DOES THAT -- [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I DON'T KNOW. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU, MICHAEL? THE NEWSMAN FINANCIALLY SUPPORTING ONLYFANS? >> I MEAN, I WISH IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE. >> I'M TELLING YOU THE CARDS WANT TO EMPHASIZE THESE ONLYFANS HAVE BANKRUPTED THE NEWSMAN. >> IT'S THAT BAD? COME ON. >> WAIT. THE CARDS ARE SPEAKING TO ME. THEY'RE STILL SPEAKING TO ME. ALL RIGHT. THE NEWSMAN AGAIN. THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. AND NOW I'M SEEING A WEDDING ALTER. >> OH, OKAY. THAT SOUNDS GOOD, RIGHT? >> OH, I'M NOT SURE. OH, THE CATFISH. SO IN THE END, YOUR NEWSMAN CONNECTS TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO TURNS OUT TO BE A CATFISH. BUT WHO? WHO IS THE CATFISH? COLIN JOST. COLIN JOST. >> WHAT? I'VE -- I'M SORRY, MAN. I FEEL BAD, BUT I'VE BEEN HAVING A BLAST. >> JAN JA IN, BI, EVERYBODY. FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M MICHAEL CHE. COLIN JOST
