Watch THIS If You're Afraid of Middle Age

I'm excited to tell you that I have a special guest here with us today but before I introduce her I just want to tell you a little story that takes place back in February of 2018 I was 50 years old and I opened my bathroom cabinet took a long hard look at the box of hair dye that was just sitting there staring me in the face and realized that the thought of dyeing my hair even just one more time filled me with Dread and instead of ignoring that feeling like I had for way too many years I decided to listen to it I stopped dyeing my hair from that day forward and I've never looked back and what's weird is that one seemingly small decision had a huge impact not just on my hair but also on my life and a lot of you have told me that you feel the same that embracing your gray hair helps you enjoy who you are now instead of constantly trying to embrace who you used to be enjoying who you are now is such a relief it's liberating and it's fun and I have to tell you as a woman in my 50s it's especially fun in your 50s because so many of us women have been taught to dread middle age and that brings me to my special guest Sherry Clark Sherry is a midlife courage coach television show host inspiring speaker and an accomplished author her fork in the road coaching practice keeps her busy working with clients on creating an authentically fulfilling life Sherry I'm so excited to have you with me here today not as excited as I am good to see you good to see you too so my first question for you today is what are a few things that women can do to make sure they have an enjoyable and fun midlife experience wow wow you're going to start me right out of the gate with a heart on aren't you yes so if you're looking for a fun midlife experience and who isn't who doesn't want to have fun in life there's something else I'm going to suggest that we do in terms of framing that question because fun is is one of those kinds of words like oh that's fun you know what does fun mean and so I think the important thing to do is number one decide what is fun for you fun for me has evolved over the years and I'm going Hazard to Guess that that's probably the case with most of us you know fun for me in college was going to a gager um it might have been pulling in all nighter with my friends it might have been you know any number of things that have zero appealed to me now had you told me in college that I would have thought fun was going and watching Netflix or reading until 11:30 before I passed out went to sleep and sleeping with my cat I'd say that's not fun so I think there's a a place where we need to do a check-in what fun the second thing is is to ask ourselves is it fun that we're after or fulfillment or Joy or something that's a little bit more or less tuned into an event or uh things that you find um entertaining and more about appreciating and embracing the person that you are which you talk about all the time the person that you are part of it has to do with this you know look at the two of us and being authentically you that's fun it's not fun anymore to be somebody that you're not so I think that was a long- winded way of getting your question but I hope that that's that that gives you some insight I think you put it beautifully and I think that's also I know not everybody watching this will be in their 50s and above but I have to say a lot of women I've spoken to my friends and my sister and other people and myself that uh turning 50 to was like a turning point where we no longer worried what people thought about us so much we no longer willing to put up with things that didn't serve us anymore and like you said you're you're more in tune I think a lot of us are more in tune with what is fulfilling for us one thing I made a conscious effort to do after the pandemic when all of us had been so stressed out for a couple years is to try to reduce stress in my own life and to try to and I I don't want to sound mean but to try to remove people in my life who were causing that stress I'm no longer willing to put up with certain things I might have when I was 20 yeah absolutely and I don't see one thing I I'll coach you on um I don't know that that's something that we should say that sounds kind of bad or whatever that sounds kind of authentic and so I don't want to hear anybody apologizing for being authentic and making boundaries is one of the things that you're talking about being able to say and my best friend and I do it all the time she'll invite me to do something and I'm very Frank with her and I'll say I'd rather watch paint dry than do what you're suggesting you know and she laughs at me and she's like okay fine I'm got to find somebody else to do it or she'll say to me I understand I know it's not your thing but it would mean a lot to me are you willing to do this and then I have a chance to say you know what I love you I'll do it I'll tough it out and uh but what afterwards can we go get a hot fudge Sunday and you pay you know right so it's it's really about about finding being comfortable enough in your skin and in your body and who you are to be able to say this is what matters to me right now what do you think are you okay with that or do we need to further negotiate and that to me that's the joy of midlife is me having that courage and I'm a courage coach so that's what I like to talk about I love that I think also I was just thinking while you're talking that we want to be courageous in the way we deal with other people and I think well that does come more naturally as you get older but also with yourself and be honest with yourself for example um I have um a child with autism and I definitely have some um sensory processing issues myself and for years I've kind of beaten myself up because I hate to go clothes shopping you know every woman I know loves to go clothes shopping and every woman I know loves jewelry and those are two things that drive me bonkers I can't stand the feel of necklaces on my chest I I it depends on the necklace but it's very hard for me to find one that works it's very hard for me to try on clothing because if I don't like the fabric it you know gives me the creeps and so for years I would always kind of make little jokes about what a bad Shopper I was or I kind of apologize to my friends or relatives who wanted to go shopping with me and finally I just had this Revelation recently at age 57 I don't need to apologize for that that's who I am and I also shouldn't tell myself those things I shouldn't make beat up myself even in my mind about that that's just who I am there's nothing I can do about it and I'm not GNA apologize for it anymore absolutely and the same goes for things like food if your friends all want to go to the Thai restaurant and try it and you're like you know what I hate Thai food if you're going to go someplace else great I'm in if not I'll catch you the next time nothing wrong with that or I'll meet you guys afterwards if you're G to stop for a cocktail after after you're done with your thae food I'll catch up with you then it's okay to to claim you who you are yeah I think that's the best part about being older in your 20s and I I always thought myself as kind of a rebellious or independent person but when I look back I really did care what other people thought it's hard not that's how we're raised especially as women I think to be very in tune with uh people's perceptions of us and how we interact with people and it's kind of fraying and liberating to not worry about that so much we can still be friendly and polite but we can have boundaries and we can let people know I don't like that or that's not what I want to do like you said I love the example you gave yeah and it doesn't mean you don't give a about anybody else I mean I want to be clear about that I'm not advocating be selfish care only about you just do what Katie wants and not no no other way it's the example that I gave with my best friend Amy when we negotiate over things and she'll say and both both of us have similar values in that we're both early risers we both go to bed early we both like the same kind of food that makes it easy but there are times that we do have those times that negotiate and it's we both have the freedom to be able to claim our own independence and our own identity but yeah when you're younger that's a lot harder I think it's one of the great Joys and reliefs of being older it's absolutely and there's a lot of other things that are great about getting older like that that not caring also goes into how we present ourselves um and what you're willing to like I've stopped wearing high heels I wore them all the time I used to run through airports in them I could wear them you know all 12 14 15 hours a day I don't think I own anything more than Maybe little kitten heel and I don't even like the idea of wearing that so I still like my high heels but one thing that's been odd is in the past few years I haven't been able to wear bras very often I have very bad shoulder pain and haven't and I also had a breast reduction surgery and I have scar pain and so that took me a while to get used to the idea of going out in public without one because it's so you know constrained in us not to and then at the same time I feel like who cares you know there's better things in life to worry about I'm not murdering people I'm not mugging people or whatever stealing from my friends I'm just not wearing a bra I mean I try to be a little discreet when I go out but U try not to worry about it oh that's funny I went the I went kind of the the reversed I'm small busted and so when I was younger I cared what other people think and I had these ornate padded bras with all kinds of you know stuffing in them and so I would put them on and and then if somebody would see me happen to see me in a T-shirt If we were doing something and I didn't have a bra it was pretty dramatic and now I wear well I'm wearing it now sports bra I'm like you know what it's as long as it's comfy I'm good but speaking of that you know what's interesting is I I had mentioned I have a vid IQ YouTube coach I I work with and he's a young man I think he's probably 30 at the most he told me how he has a number of women in his life that he admires because they have uh entered midlife with intention and they are going like you you mentioned earlier going after new goals and they are you know they're living their life to the best of their abilities and the reason that that I thought about that just now is of course life circumstances happen we can't predict what our middle age will look like but if you are healthy and you're able it is nice to not only set these boundaries in things but also give yourself some challenges have some new goals keep learning like his he was saying his mother is a lifelong learner and my mother is too and I I love that so what are what are your thoughts on that because I think those are things that can definitely make midlife more fun oh absolutely and you know to my I gotta have got to hook my friends up to watch this because we're keep we keep talking about her but um when we were we've been friends for 20 25 years and early in the day we would our fun together the things that we did was we'd go out drinking or we'd go out to dinner or we'd go to parties and now our fun is taking classes together so we will find somebody we've done shuder flower arranging um we've done all kinds of different things and so one of us will find a class and say hey I signed us up for this if you can't go I'll find somebody else to go but learning expanding trying new things like you said and there was a time that that wasn't appealing to me but it is very appealing now and I there are things that I've learned about that I didn't even know existed there's all kinds of things that we can learn that are some of them are recreational like I was saying cooking classes or some Artistry classes but you could also learn about energy work or take a class um the our university has some free classes that they offer to for for anybody that's over a certain age can come and they audit the classes meaning they don't get a credit for it or they don't get graded but you can take a history course or you can take a you know civics class at the University it's a blast my mom did that when I was in high school my mom went back and did some college courses because she like for example she loved um Eugene O'Neal and so she took a class all about Eugene O'Neal and she had such a good time because especially you don't have that pressure of I've got to graduate I've got to pass this test but you can just enjoy learning for the sake of learning I saw a funny meme the other day you've probably seen it too it's going around the internet but it said um I never was interested in Birds until I turned to 50 and all of a sudden I'm like oh my gosh is that a yellow throated warbler and I thought that was kind of funny because there are certain things when you're younger that maybe you don't even pay attention to and now you appreciate them more like kind of like a child does I don't want to say we're becoming like children but a child sees the world with very open eyes and they not things that other people don't know and I feel like I'm going back to that a little more now and I'm slowing down and and enjoying what's around me do you think that's also something that happens as we get olders yes in my own life because you know you think of birders is usually the quintessential midlife or elderly person same thing with gardening I've lived in this house that I'm filming from today for 35 years so I was significantly it was more than half my lifetime ago right so when I moved into this house was a very large garden in the southern part of the backyard first thing I did had that thing ripped out I'm like I do not want to spend my time what free little free time I have gardening thank you very much and now I'm paying somebody of Fortune this summer to put it back so yeah you do and you change but it's embracing those changes and here's the thing in the beginning when you start first feeling that way there's a little bit of Shame a little bit of like am I really am I really going to bed at nine o'clock am I really you know fill in the blank whatever it is that makes you feel old and this but the same thing happens when you look in the mirror do I really have bat wings oh my God and you do anything to fight against it you know you're like you start googling is there surgery for bat wings or is there a supplement I can take what are the exercises that I can do and then you get to a point and I'm not saying don't care not for one second am I saying don't care I'm wearing makeup I I'm wearing a clean shirt you know I'm doing those things but embrace the changes it's a different chapter you cannot be 21 forever and I think I I used to want to be 21 forever like I remember being a little girl reading Nancy Drew and I remember thinking Nancy Drew was um to me was was it the apigy of everything I want to be and I remember thinking that I didn't want to live past whatever age Nancy Drew was because that was like the perfect age now I think poor Nancy Drew was probably anywhere from 16 to 21 I'm not sure how old she was but definitely I do not feel the same way I think every day is a gift and it's important to enjoy it where you are now and you can enjoy it more if you're in the moment that's that's why I brought up the gray hair thing at the beginning is I really felt like I was hiding a part of myself and I wasn't really me and I was ashamed a part of myself and I'm not saying Everybody Needs to Go gray that's none it of course but all of us have something like that I think that's holding us back yeah and once you can get rid of it and it it changed my mindset in so many things like getting older for example and and it starts making you question what other things do I believe that I can discard now I don't need these old belief systems I had it's kind of shocking and wonderful when you when you hit that moment yeah you know the biggest belief system that I love seeing women at midlife surrender is perfectionism um and that whole guilt thing we have about if we're having a dinner party I I'm guilty of it this is how I know this is why I'm a good midlife courage coach because I did all this crap before you know I would buy special ice cube molds to go with the dinner party theme and like down and I'm not saying details aren't good they're good down to the nth degree but when my the guy that I was dating when I had I remember vividly when I made this shift I threw a dinner party for his boss and his wife who came over and I did everything to the nth degree I mean I like went out I I had real silver and I polished it the whole nine yards and when the couple that we were entertaining left Charlie my my date said to me sweetheart it was perfect everything I mean I noticed the ice cubes I realized that you picked flowers that don't have a scent because they would interfere with the taste of the food I saw everything that you did and I appreciate it I just wish you had been there oh that's a great Point yeah and he was right I was so busy like looking around the table do you need more water can I get you something while I'm up what do you think of the wine would you rather have red I was so busy people pleasing and making it perfect and showing off everything that I could do that I wasn't even there oh I still suffer from that I'm trying to get better for example it's Greek Orthodox Easter uh this weekend and we always have a big Feast because we have 40 days of no meat and other things that we've given up I invited people over this year and I I realized this morning I I took on way too much you know Greek food is not easy to make I think it took me three days to shape all these cookies I was making and to freeze them and to get them perfect and I started beating myself up because I like oh I've got to make the bread in the morning and I was like you know what I don't have to make the bread I can just go buy bread there's good bread at bakeries and my sister and I have talked about this a lot and we're trying to both of us are trying so hard to stop doing this to ourselves but we think it's if we're really being honest it's not just because we want to serve people great bread it is a little bit of show off it's a little bit of a showoff thing too because I want people to see that I can do this and I'm I I'm really trying to get rid of that because I don't have to prove anything these people love me I could probably serve Wonder Bread and they'd still be happy to come over and I mean they would't like the bread but they'd be happy and so that that's a harder one for me to give up I need to do it because it can make your life a little miserable if you're always trying to be the best at everything the other thing I I love exactly what what you said and to dovetail to that which might also be a suggest suggestion that would help you for this weekend the other thing that I've started doing is I will leave a couple of things undone so that when my guests arrive I say could you give me a hand with this that's a good idea would you and I give them a simple job that that they're not going to be either resentful of you know here can you shape six dozen cookies and come back in a couple hours into the kitchen and I'll not like that um and something that they won't be embarrassed if you gave them a hard job and they can't do it or whatever just pick the right thing and that that helps takes the edge off because a lot of people when they come over to see you if they're not the extrovert they're feeling a little uncomfortable and a little awkward like can I help what would you like me to do you know and so when you are at the ready and say hey could you do could you shuck this corn or you know whatever um it it's it's kind of nice and then people are in the kitchen and it's social and all of a sudden the anxiety is gone I think that's a great way to handle it I I love that idea yeah that is on my goals that's one of the number one things I need to do this year to try to let go of perfectionism now I'm trying to already plan out perfectly how to let go Perfection I'm gonna take a speaking of guests and events would you tell us a little bit about the may talk series that you're hosting right now absolutely well um the good news is if you're listening uh before the talk series begins I'm not going to have you come and uh shuck corn or do any work you don't have to sing for your supper um I'm hosting Sherry Clark's may talk series and this is the 15th interview series that I've hosted so I'm an old hand at this stuff um and what I'm doing is I'm featuring 26 experts from around the world all having all the subject matters having to do with things that are interest of uh to us in midlife so clearly going gray is a subject that is of interest to many not all but many women in midlife other subjects that I have included include relationships uh relationships with for example many of us have known narcissists in our very In Our Lifetime in some cases it might have been an ex in other cases it might be um a parent it might be somebody that you work with or for other relationship things are relationships with your adult children relationships change over time they're still your kids but when they have their own kids then of a sudden the dynamic flips a little bit so how do you handle that um we'll talk about different aspects of Health um your body including things like your teeth and teeth are one of those things like we're talking about all the stuff that didn't matter when you were young you know all you could think about about your teeth was how white are they and do I have anything in them and then as you get older you start thinking about how do I make sure that I keep them because they're so important I don't want Dentures I don't I want them to be healthy so all of my subject matter experts are um are experts in an area of interest to women and the interviews that I do are Audio Only so you can listen to them anywhere I like to take them with me when I go for a walk or when I'm preparing dinner if I'm not having company and I'm just making something in the kitchen for myself that's a great time to do it and they're all less than a half an hour so they're bite-sized and I don't fool around just like you Katie one of the things I appreciate about you is there's not chitchat there's no you know warm up to where's and where the guest where the listener is fast forwarding trying to get to the meat of the matter no right out of the gate we're talking about what matters because how else am I going to keep it to less than a half an hour so the series kicks off on May 12th of this year um if you will if you join us late and you're listening to this let's say it's after May 12 you didn't miss anything you can jump in and then there's an encore at the end where we replay anything that you would have missed also an opportunity if you want to buy access to the series for it's a phenomenal amount um so I'm excited I'm excited you're coming and you're going to be there as a guest and uh yeah I think it's a fabulous event thank you for asking me about it yeah you're welcome thank you for asking me to participate it I had such a great time talking to you at that and I will put a link in the video description box below for anybody who'd like to join and uh I think it sounds like it's going to be a wonderful time so I really appreciate apprciate it and I appreciate you being here with us today I'll put a link to your website in the video description box too so anybody can check out your services because I think it's a great thing you're doing women so many women fear midlife and it should be an exciting and wonderful time in its own right well said well thanks so much Sherry it's so nice seeing you again today take care care

Channel: Katie Goes Platinum

Views: 731

Keywords: #grayhair, #greyhair, #silverhair, #katiegoesplatinum, midlife, midlife transformation, middle age, women in midlife, middle aged woman, sheree clark, fork in the road, midlife women, silver sisters, midlife womens coach, women midlife crisis, how to enjoy middle age, enjoy midlife, enjoy middle age

Id: BOGFMU8F4SE

Length: 22min 49sec (1369 seconds)

Published: Sat May 11 2024