Viewer Mail/Realm of Mystery Collection on Letterman, 1987-88

letter number one this is viewer mail night these are actual letters from actual viewers from all all over North America here we go viewer mail oh no and I forget those people yeah ask room I was never crazy about that anything wait we got a couple of people one dressed like a conquistador and another in a bunny suit and then get out just yeah I know okay thanks kids get out beat it get a cab letter number one dear Dave I don't get any of this I don't get any any of the common just bad I don't get the outfits I don't get the costumes it's the that's the new humor I guess letter number one dear Dave why do you sit the way you do is it so the female guests can look at your business this comes to us from Randy snippy cups Kellner's Ville Wisconsin no no Randy I don't want them to look at my business I I want them to look at my new b-cup [Applause] better number two a bunny in a conquistador standing at the door is it Halloween is that the deal this is filled with kir Royale thanks Paul letter number two Dave I think your show is terrific but I also believe that if you lose your director hallo our beloved director Howard Gardner if you lose your director how you could be you can hit it big your soon to be agent Mitch Quinn Bowling Green Ohio well Mitch for your information our director Hal gurney is a brilliant talented man he does an extremely difficult high-pressure job with exceptional skill I just hope your letter it has not hurt his feelings is how is haloth Hal Brian where's Hal well you were reading the letter Oh No see now this is exactly what I'm afraid of obviously his feelings have been deeply hurt I never yes yes Brian house on his way back in oh thank god he's back how how we were worried how we were worried sick about you were you upset about that letter Hal Sabo's in the men's room you mean you mean you left your position in the middle of the show did I do something so I think big Dave well just the bunny in the conquistador that's all how let me go find them here we go we just keep rolling we just keep moving that's all this is what we just want to keep that average speed as high as we can get it that's all number three dear Dave we tape your show and when you're nasty to Paul we freeze-frame while you're blinking and say rude things to you Bree Capra and Diane Renee well Bree and I and I I don't go out of my way to say anything nasty to Paulie in fact I have an awful lot of respect for Emma I think he's really accomplished quite a lot for a short balding foreigner hold it right there hamster head he's being nasty to Paul again Bree and I pick on somebody your own size you big jerk Bree and Diana two girls out for a good time undone by the very weapon they use to control others irony indeed but then anything is possible in definitions [Music] or better in her for dear Dave I was taking my daily dosage a dosage of Flintstone vitamins this morning when nothing better to do at the moment with nothing better to do at the moment I started counting and made a shocking discovery Betty Rubble is missing there's a Fred of Wilma Barney pebbles bamm-bamm Dino and yes even Fred's car but no no Betty Rubble what do you make of this day of yours truly Martin Mooney Arlington Virginia what do I make of it I think it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard Paul can you believe this guy has nothing better to do than sort Flintstones vitamins this guy must be bored out of his brains Paul Paul I wasn't listening hey did you say I'm sorry what uh-huh thank you ah it's a comedy cavalcade that's right we just keep motoring they have been breezing through the curriculum to your town tonight like plenty of comedy slopping off the back of the truck number five dear Dave I've noticed a few things about this great country in which we live it seems that in Florida they are talented at growing oranges while in Texas luscious babes seem to grow on trees what seems to grow well in New York just wondering mark Schofield Hampton New Jersey well mark it's a good question how as I read that letter did the same piece of file tape occur to you that was occurring to me I think so okay go ahead and roll at it and we'll show you what grows big here in New York [Applause] No I I was thinking of those prize-winning Long Island potatoes we saw at the fair Hal I think there's some kind of mix-up in the tape boy is there ever well that's it for viewer mail and not a minute too soon David Steinberg will join us in a couple of seconds folks so please if you can stand it return [Applause] [Music] could be anything now they're not working that's alright we'll get a guy in here with a hose later to just turn it on you am I the only one who smells toast everybody how many of you all smell toasters yeah this is the this is Mary Jenkins I guess preparing Elvis's we bring her all the way up from Tennessee to make toast is that thing almost like T like yeah that's right it's a what is going on over there Santa's elves are a little noisy tonight aren't they friendly it's Friday night kids and that means one thing we answer our viewer mail and as always these are actual viewer a male and on actual blue cards look at that here we go letter number one dear Dave I only I only wear one sock you should try it help Patrick Mayer at Denver Colorado I don't I don't want to brag Patrick but but I'm wearing three socks okay right here you're all gonna you're all going to get some toast settle down ladder number two a dear Dave your producer Morty that's our new producer Morty is certainly cute please flash the camera on him more often is he the sexiest producer in town or what sincerely Melinda Stewart Wilmington Ohio now this is interesting because I don't think people are really aware of what the morty looks like he's only been on the show a couple of times but Melinda will certainly be glad to oblige you it can we get a shot at Morty how let's show the folks this is Morty our new producer there he is [Music] I'm sorry we're dead here folks will be the entire console back here is dead we're getting no no AC just thank God this is not an airplane you know ladder number three dear Dave since viewer mail moved to Friday I watch it from a bar and I can't hear the TV people kicking stuff over left and right here we're doing some delicate experimentation back there and completely sterile environment so be very careful i watch it watch viewer mail from a bar and i can't hear the TV when you get to this letter could you print my name in real big flashing letters on the screen so i know it's my letter happy I can read steve code bedford massachusetts well sure steve sure I know I know I know how noisy those bars can get so we had this sign made up and if you're watching in the BART and I hope you enjoy it there it is [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] where are we what are we up to a number thank you very much how gurney ladies gentlemen the distinguished voice of our director mr. Howell and ghertner letter number four dear mr. Letterman I am sorry to inform you that your show has been canceled please leave the NBC stationery when you clean out your desk sincerely Kenny Hobbs Stanton Kentucky wow did you hear that Paul the show's been cancelled we got to clean out the desk hold it hold it hold it wait a second wait a sec what I said we gotta move we can't hold and you just clean out your desk like some kind of a little order man letter comes in I've been here six years I don't even have a desk let's face it we've been treated like dirt we may but we're gonna leave let's take a piece of this place with us no what do you what exactly what exactly are you saying Paul I'm saying let's trash this table [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] yeah what is it now if they we checked into this Kenny Hotz good bright stem Kentucky bright keys have with GE or NBC looks like some kind of hoax oh it's all a misunderstanding I feel terrible yeah well I'm always overreact just a hoax thank you thanks where is over that's what that's you know I'm glad we weren't weren't cancelled just when we have the fountain working and everything letter number five begins dear Dave what scares you bill Jamison you know Phil I can honestly say that I have never never been scared of anything in my entire life but I'll tell you I have noticed one thing I've noticed that these little mice these guys right there they get plenty scared when I poke at them with this pencil that seems kind of cruel to do they think that's like a great thing to be doing sure why not it amuses me to torture them in this manner and besides that what can possibly go wrong [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] David Letterman a man who because he had never known fear decided to play God only to have the tables turn irony indeed but then such occurrences are common in [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Wow look at how bright it is here at home baseball it's it's really bright here now I wonder if we're gonna do something special here tomorrow on the program Jami Gertz and Art Buchwald that's tomorrow night what a show Jami Gertz and Art Buchwald you know our li ER I said that there was nobody stealing bases up of the Hubert Humphrey a domed arena because that's a part of the country where people tend to be polite and well-mannered that's true of course but I did see on the news of footage of people trying to overturn a bus so that's that kenneth off since that's they were outside doing their a damage coming up in this half hour a yawn winner and comedian there rita rudner what a week it was here last week on Wall Street with the the stocks were going down and then they'd come way back up again and then they'd go down again and in fact I think they're still downtown in the financial district they're working around the clock trying to trying to catch up with all of that paperwork how can we get a shot of one of those buildings down there in the Wall Street area see what's going on maybe if we can yeah that one right there let's get in real tight there and see there's a gentleman working out pretty late oh my god we needed all this light for that ladies and gentlemen I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the stagehand who was working the fishing pole that made the little man jump out of the toy building let's sail it a Tommy Casa Bonita come on out thank you but I can't take all the credit I think we should give a big round of applause to the lady who Kathleen applause with the writers who came up with the idea of a little man jumping out of the toilet sure we can overlook the rabbi Jacobsen top three guys to come up with this three guys well thank you but I think we're forgetting somebody this little comedy piece wouldn't have gone anywhere without our assistant director leaning on the applause button here he is Pete Fatima I'm always grateful for the love and support my family first they stood by me all the way Dave so if you don't mind yeah I'd like to introduce my beloved wife Mary Lou and my son Pete Julia [Applause] thank you thank you but I think some credit is due here to the man who actually made that little guy jump out the window stagehand Tommy Kapow lady David Letterman a talk-show hosts who thought he would kill a couple of minutes of network a a time with a little joke but now he's trapped for all eternity in a hellish never ending comedy piece irony indeed but things often things often real real ironic and Biff Anderson's realm of mystery thank you daddy Thank You Jo [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you know it's not like the old days Paul showbusiness used to be a Brotherhood in the old days used to be like a club where where you'd share and you acted as a big family and if somebody needed some help I guess you'd rush over and help build on the barn and if someone needed a three-year-old genius exactly you'd say taken we're debuting on the ninth I know we're really late aren't we I know I know I'll get right to it don't worry we have a viewer mail we'll get to yes and there's not a lot of three-year-old geniuses four-year-old plenty of four-year-old thank you it's our viewer mail ladies and gentlemen we answer it every Friday night and tonight it's certainly no exception even though it's Friday that means letter number one dear Dave I have absolutely nothing to say Sincerely Yours Daniel Brady Campbell Seattle Washington sorry Daniel George Bush already has a running mate [Music] [Applause] [Music] so this will be good now all of this stuff will catch fire later too letter number two dear mr. Costas it begins I'm writing to express my admiration for your recent Billy Crystal interview I was delighted at what a wonderful interviewer you are I'm writing to NBC into their local affiliate to express my pleasure and I'll be taping your show regularly yours truly CJ Newman Vancouver British Columbia Canada Thank You CJ for your kind and perceptive letter I appreciate it but frankly the time on my show is much too valuable to waste answering mail on the air on the other hand that doesn't seem to be the case with the Letterman Show so from now on late night we'll be answering all the mail for later with Bob Costas address your letters to later with Bob Costas care of late-night post-office box 2282 New York New York 101 85 by the way feel free to include foods liquids and perishables that'll ensure prompt attention thank you [Applause] but our number three I don't know three dear Dave what happened to SIDS sideburns a letter asking about our guitar player Sid McGinnis what happened to SIDS sideburns yours truly Dave carry mancino mancino Elmore Long Island New York that's a good question SID what what did happen to your sideburns Dave I don't know I woke up and they were gone [Music] woke up and they were gone I said too bad sit you know what you need to cheer you up sit a little bite to eat so here's a special dish I prepared myself said Bon Appetit [Music] said said McGinnis a rock-and-roll guitarist who grew sideburns for fun never dreaming that he was growing them for dinner not very ironic but sometimes we get pretty hot off ideas on Biff innocence realm of mystery [Music] right here but in life we couldn't we couldn't see Biff at all good week well he wasn't routed I guess in the realm of mystery bad lighting well we'll see how you look the rest of the show yeah no no the realm of mystery oh this view is that yeah letter number 4 letter number 4 dear Dave what the hell are you going to do in a movie act concerned Leanne and Patrick DZ st. Charles Illinois once again it took two people to write this letter well it just so happens Leanne and Patrick that I've already been in a motion picture a movie that the millions of people have watched and enjoyed Hal do we have a clip from that movie your control all right watch this [Music] [Applause] [Music] this remember this ladies and gentlemen in a matter of minutes all be roasted like a pig [Music] yeah that'll be me right in the hallway by the way that's not videotape it's right out in the hall that was the rehearsal I start to feel it now except you'll have marshmallows on that's right everybody in the studio who wants one gets him I know I'm hurrying dear day of today on password August 26 1988 Bert Convy remarked that sometimes he feels like David Letterman have you ever felt like Bert Convy just wondering q Clark Hillsborough California the password is no yes No [Music] all right we have to do a commercial look it right back here with Howard Stern ladies and gentlemen [Applause] [Music] you know I've told stories like this before in the program but when you're in comedy you really don't have a minute to yourself it's a little like being a hired gun because wherever you go as long as you're awake and moving about in society somebody wants to challenge you to just see if in fact you've got what it takes to be in comedy yeah so last night I was somewhere I'm not even sure where and I had I had a hat on and a guy kind of a normal-looking guy but with a beautiful woman just a stunning woman and I hear them kind of behind me whispering that it's it might be me and after about after about five minutes the guy comes up and he gets like that close to me but and by the way don't do that and he looks right at me and he says can I have your hat and I said no and he said are you sure I said yes he then leaves which I thought indicated that he had some sense and and as he and is this beautiful woman are leaving I hear him say gosh he's not very friendly without a hesitation of a split second I fired back you're not very friendly [Applause] they adjust it's always working mind always ready yeah but what a babe this guy had my gosh you know you see a geek like this out with a good-looking woman anything and you think what what is the hope for civilization I don't know how it happens oh well you know we'll know what are we doing here oh it's we got a great show Kirk Douglas is here John the Hyatt John Hyatt got hiatus Henderson was from Indianapolis understand he's from Indianapolis what I understand and also a full college astre Meyer is here for colleges yeah he's a full college just dick fry Meyer so he studies what I don't know we'll find out when he gets under a good question Paul that'll be the first question I asked him let's do our viewer mail as the time to do the viewer mental these are where I think we're the only television show in production that care enough about the home audience to actually respond to the viewer mail on the air letter number one begins dur mr. Letterman I have decided that I'm almost the perfect guest for your show like yourself and most of your guests I have very little or no talent I have a large ego and I am a very obnoxious person the only problem that I can see that would keep you from booking me is that I am NOT Jewish regards Robert Wayne Iuka Mississippi hi you come Mississippi well mr. Wayne I I think you're right I don't think we could use you as a guest on our show but you should be perfect for the George Bush campaign staff [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] we had a misfire Paul I could thank God this was only a town because had this been an actual emergency these boys is dead somebody phoned NATO we'll look into that letter number two all but thank God that's working huh dear Dave number two begins what is what is the nature of an American democracy very thoughtful question I need to know to pass government class and I can't graduate without government thanks so much Angie Nagel Defiance Ohio well Angie it certainly is an important question so we have decided to put together our own late-night meeting of the minds with three of the greatest Americans ever gentlemen come on out and tell us [Music] [Applause] [Music] about democracy well Dave I've confirmed with mr. Jefferson and mr. Franklin on this most difficult question and I feel that Angie should simply ask someone in the class who got an A and and by the answers from them maybe one of those Asian kids that most of them are real whizzes mr. Lincoln I must disagree she should break into her school's computer system and change her grades gentlemen you overlooked the obvious she should just sleep with her professor that's a sure way of passing the course thank you very much all right thank you gentlemen anything else we can help you with oh yeah that joke about Helen Hayes really cracked us up okay bye take care guys thank you very much [Music] [Applause] [Music] Sanborn Rose over there laughing at us he has his own show now let's see if you can do better on your own show Dave let's see what kind of crap you come up with now letter number three what was it was actually like having those three guys here wasn't it what they worried I don't know what the hell I'm talking about it was actually kind of like having three guys portraying former presidents that's actually like almost like that it was like having three actors right here and they yeah very close to that who was that guy in the I mean they're right that are all very good yeah dear mr. Letterman my name is Craig Durling and I am 17 years old I have been a fan of yours for quite some time well that's very nice of you to say Craig I host the show very similar to yours of course it's modeled after your show we tape it as often as we can in a small cable studio it's called after hours and I've tried everything from top 10 lists to dumb ads I hope to hear from you soon sincerely years Craig Durling and / Maryland Massachusetts gee I don't know we were so taken by this letter that we actually sent away for some of that tape Howell did it ever arrive the tape of the Craig Durling show yeah all right go ahead and roll it let's take a look at it this is a 17 year old Craig Durling and we have a great show planned for you tonight so phone the kids and wake the pets because it's time for something we like to call Supermarket fines so this is supermarket fine number one this is called janitor and a drum folks we're talking about a very little janitor do you like that Paul that one put me away you are some kind of nutty kind of cat craig Durling thank you Paul what what exactly was that all about you and you and you and the band or what a moonlighting on this guy's show well I I didn't really see any harm in it you don't mind you don't mind do you well look look nothing personal but you're gonna have to choose either this show or that show all right make up your mind one of the choice yeah do you come on you give us a minute okay okay we're happy we're happy to announce that the band and I have decided to stay on this show oh great unless unless Craig you know unless Craig's show gets picked up by Fox then ironic look a little bit like Anton was asking directions to the interstate there dear listener mr. Letterman when I would have done that one my friend and I being avid philatelists stamp collectors we're just wondering if there are any plans in the works for a David Letterman commemorative stamp just curious yours truly Jason Hoffman and Rick spar gee Jason and Rick as far as I know there are no plans for a stamp commemorating me but recently I did receive another honor from the Postal Service that I think is even more prestigious here take a look at this I'm I'm quite proud with how this turned out see there I am mr. Jim says there I am there I am is the mystery sip see if these are working I'll bet these are working now Paul Alexei no they still not worse [Music] [Applause] you don't owe you don't I mean I appreciate it but you don't need to do that there is no nothing to celebrate really I was testing the equipment I see did you get hurt there no I just I was I was startled for a second letter number five and not a minute too soon dear Dave your fans are happy to forgive you an off-night but I don't think you're trying anymore can't blame the jokes they're the same silly though uninspired fare and your timing is right on what seems to be missing is the twinkle in your eyes the satisfaction of a job well done sincerely Francie bur the Villanova Pennsylvania huh okay so it's twinkle that you want is that correct friend Hal excuse me how could you help us out with some twinkle hair please you go okay thank you let me know when it's ready there you go Fran so what you want but enough twinkle for you Fran is that what you wanted friend David Letterman a man who only wanted to bring twinkle back to his eye but instead found himself trapped in a nightmarish world of eye twinkling madness doesn't make much sense but then things don't have to make much sense then defender says realm mystery well do a commercial and we'll be back here with Kirk Douglas [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I don't want to make a big deal about this but this is fairly interesting usually I have a cup of water here and usually I have a cup of coffee here tonight I have a cup of water and a cup of hot water this is like that's right it's hot water very nice well make tea perhaps a little bit later oh god I hope it's just water well viewer mail you babies actual viewers ladies and gentleman have written these actual letters and I have them here in my right hand let's begin now letter number one dear Dave sometimes when I watch your show I don't pay any attention other times I pretend I'm watching a different show entirely what do you make of this yours Greg diamond Bentley Massachusetts not much Greg most nights you see I'm pretending to be Kathie Lee Gifford [Music] [Applause] [Music] oh boy I really I really have a taste now for hot water mmm letter number two dear day five bucks says you can't come up with a good joke for this letter your number one fan Tammy Gail fuss Calgary Alberta Canada okay I say what Tammy I'm gonna bring three of her writers out here and we'll see what we can do for you come on out gentlemen this is Larry Jacobson Gerard Mulligan and Adam Resnick here's here's the letter is there anything you guys can do to help me out with this yeah I've got a dollar for you Dave okay I'll give you two days okay great I have a couple bucks okay great thanks Adam so that's five all right we'll send it off [Applause] I'm still pretending like we're gonna mail this law once you start something you have to finish it so it's your call a follow through them that's right exactly right now okay well we have a second why don't you folks at home go to the kitchen and pour yourselves a nice big glass of hot water so you can enjoy the feel at home as much as we are here in the studio you want to be just like Dave drinks plenty of hot water during the telecast huh oh that's all right now I don't mind it's nice for a change yeah that's Arden you don't have to apologize we're guy have ruined his weekend now dear Dave letter number three begins I lust after your drummer Anton fig can you send me a picture of him thanks Eleanor snow Gig Harbor Washington boy I'm telling you musicians you musicians I'm telling every music they get all the girls musicians are always getting the women I just I wonder what it would be like if I would be a musician just once what would hi I'm Scott Thorson [Applause] [Music] David Letterman a man who thought music was the food of love only to be served a most unappetizing dish irony indeed but then irony is often on the menu and definitions [Music] and of course is Biff Henderson one of our stage managers and a man who does not know the meaning of the words move it along great and very nice job Deb I'm just teasing with you letter number four begins dear Dave does Paul Paul does Paul ever get any mail just wondering Chris Keating showed act landing New York yeah sure Paul gets me let me show you right over here in the mailbox and take a look see Dave Hanson oh yeah Paul right here yeah there's a oh well it's not strictly speaking a fan letter but you know it's something it's it's a small Schafer's this is Paul Shaffers letter it's been returned because [Music] [Applause] is that coffee oh yeah thanks you mind if I have something well sure bring it on in thank you very much I know okay hit it yeah just say from now on I'll just just save the hot water for special occasions okay thank you very much let's do it apologize it's all right thank you yeah I'm fine el Mar yeah letter number five begins enigmatic ly Dave it's beautiful at the lake baby from a Wagga slake nebe gammon Wisconsin huh it's beautiful at the lake baby it's beautiful at the lake baby it's beautiful Lake maybe at the lake baby it's beautiful at the lake baby very good very good and what will you do when you hear these words kill the one at the piano the one who wears the glasses splendid splendid and now a demonstration of our new programmed assassin David it's beautiful at the lake baby Oh baby all right Oh fine chief what what the heck happened here that flashback explained everything you were programmed in that Chinese prison camp to to kill me in all mine thank goodness that page just happened to be standing next to the oh yeah are you all right Paul yeah I'm fine no I'm great so everything's all right all right well thank goodness well that's good news ah so we're done now yeah we have a wonderful program for you folks Penn & Teller are here Mickey Mantle and Branford Marsalis will do a commercial [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you [Music] [Applause] [Music] what is that was it back home again and in the air trying to do out Oh Danny Boy Oh Danny damn quail uh-huh I kind of an up swinging version of it since I'm a little bit like one of those Indiana songs Indiana wants me know there's two of them there's uh Oh the moonlights bright tonight along the Wabash I don't know the name of that one that's right and then back home again in Indiana they're both the same song I think you're right [Laughter] anyway it's a time for viewer mail Friday night we always answer our voluminous viewer mail that has accumulated over the week these are actual letters from the actual viewers we've been doing this now for seven years and follow as I look down here at these cards assembled before me it occurs to me that this may be the one recurring bit of hilarity on the program that we do that does not have an accompanying introductory theme from you am I right about that is everything small town news has a theme supermarket fire as its own theme I let's have some fun that has a theme but this doesn't have a theme that is correct up until now what that is up until now because I have done something very special for this evening I've taken the liberty of commissioning a special theme for viewer mail by one of the truly great American composers let me mention a couple of titles to you Moon River Pink Panther Peter kinda charade days of wine and roses these are just a few of the classic pieces created by this man this genius please welcome to debut his new theme for viewer mail mr. Henry Mancini [Applause] [Music] [Music] well Paul I have needless to say I am touched we have our own viewer male theme it's not be composed and directed by Henry man salutely and a huge group of folks back string section in his honor yeah oh that's amazing maybe if we're lucky we can reprise the theme at the end of you know there'll be something nice wouldn't one more head of it at the end maybe if we're lucky it doesn't remind you a little bit of the theme for the show that follows Cosby does it just a little bit like what is that show I don't know okay let's do the it's a big night for you isn't it Lenny jeez you could have cleaned up a little those people had black ties and study where they dead squeaky the squirrel hi I know we gotta go we gotta go okay anyway here's the viewer mail that was very nice letter number one I would like as many tickets as possible thank you John Garfield Greenwich Connecticut that's that's funny that's exactly what I said to the Connecticut Highway Patrol huh hey what what what is that what do you mean I don't know what I call me crazy but you had it you had a perfectly good letter there you've got an audience waiting for some big production comedy music props and I don't know you throw it all away with a wisecrack I don't know I think David Letterman damnit you're better than that you know you know what Paul you're absolutely right by gosh you're absolutely right put that letter back up we're gonna do that letter over again and this time we're really gonna do it properly Paul thank goodness you said something after all dammit it's Friday night we've never done this before load up the letter let's try it again you brought me to my senses Paul thank you letter number one dear sir I would like as many tickets as possible thank you John Garfield Greenwich Connecticut well we were very very hardly we were what headed all of this right out we've worked very hard to accommodate mr. Garfield's request and he should be getting his tickets just about now Wow a dozen tickets to late night my lucky day [Music] well nothing a little hug won't make better [Applause] John Garfield a modern-day King Midas who lusted after different kind of gold only to win a ticket to his own private hell irony indeed but then what else would you expect in alma's realm of mystery I'm sorry al isn't it usually Biff Henderson's realm of mystery we thought Biff was getting a little too much camera time so we had a little accident capisce take care of it any way you need to letter number two dear Dave the letter begins I want you I want you bad love Karen pronounced Karen like car in the garage more from Oakland California look at this ball that's kind of cute it's kind of a little a little I don't know a little mash note or something that's pretty funny I really appreciate that it's nice well I bet you wouldn't mind parking a car in her garage [Laughter] to her for a spin I know big Hitler I'll stop it because come on we get a nice little letter here from probably a very nice woman out there in California absolutely she might have a few miles on her though I should run just fine after good tuna oh please don't I don't know Jean I don't have the faintest idea what they talking about but I've got to join in if I want to be one of the guys hey Dave you should replace the differential gears and the timing change every 30,000 miles and if you want the transmission to run smoothly all right letter number three dear Dave I saw your program last night in which you showed a videotape of Dan Quayle eating lunch while everyone else was turned towards listening attentively to the president dan kept his attention on his food obviously is much smarter than we thought thank you for providing this public service yours Chris Wilson Lincoln Nevada you know ladies and gentlemen said squeaky the squirrel know it says Nevada here it is Lincoln Nevada according to the information I have I don't really have a joke here but this is a good excuse to show that footage now of Dan Quayle having lunch ladies and gentlemen future president vice-president of the United States Dan Quayle there he is enjoying looks like a salad President Reagan addressing the assemblage ok letter I don't have a for dear Dave years ago our grammar school science teacher was lecturing on meteors she said during this century several chunks of metal have fallen from outer space into the earth but no meteorites have fallen onto a populated area because the earth has a lot fewer people than we think and the odds are against anything falling onto a populated area is this true this comes to us from Latrell Hancock Charlotte North Carolina well yeah it is a true Latrell the odds are incredibly small that a meteor would ever fall into a populated area you see even an area as densely populated as where we live New York City actually takes up a really tiny amount of available land space on the planet Earth right cramping down in Austria but Paulie I think what this is I think this is just a part from a a general electric jet engine yeah this is a the compressor assemblage that's what this is where is it yeah you can see right there as the logos see it right there yeah happens all the time yeah it's not really a meteor you get these in the company store they drop off planes left and right it's a time for the reprieves of the viewer male theme yeah I believe it is oh good he's back henry mancini and a reprieves of the viewer male themed ladies and gentlemen we'll be right back with father Guido Sarducci [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Don Giller

Views: 42,393

Keywords: Biff Henderson, Realm of Mystery

Id: jg50nTFBz6U

Length: 55min 41sec (3341 seconds)

Published: Tue May 08 2018