VAN HELSING BAD MOVIE REVIEW | Double Toasted

[Applause] this is what I knew the movie Lost His goddamn mind they just threw a cow in the middle of the scene do his ass into a building [Music] you know [Music] uh Martin Billy because you know this thing was a huge success but before the Dark Universe that was Van Helsing he brought all the creatures together in his own universe and his own little mad monster party he's all a little mad monster party before the Dark Universe is bringing all the Frankensteins and the Draculas together and all that stuff your boy Wolverine you Jackman he was a dark Universe before it was the Dark Universe and it worked out just as good this is where I come in you know sorry we couldn't hear that that's the trailer in the trailer just it's just low but you hey you know who who needs to listen to that when you got all those good special effects in there and all that CG up in there now I'm gonna start this out by saying I know Martin said that he was enjoying this and I know sometimes when we when you enjoy something you know I don't always have different opinions you get a little quiet and I just wanna ain't gonna come after you now that's not it I will let you know that I do think that this is bad and it's on delightful way but at the same time I probably understand what they were trying to do more than most people out there now did it work all the time for some like perhaps yourself but did it work all the time for the majority of people out there not really or at least it didn't for me I saw I saw that too but I do appreciate the effort and there's a lot of stuff that I do understand that they were doing and I actually did like some parts of this sure you know I think that hey if nothing else you can't say that old Van Helsing wasn't ambitious it damn sure worked better than that Dark Universe people like we only got one movies one movie killed 18 franchises about to get my Frankenstein chicks everybody's schedule just changed yeah he's like he had all these planes ready to take off and that first one crashed yeah blew up the runway was like well I guess we ain't going nowhere Van Helsing is uh as we all know he's a vampire hunter but here he's a complete Monster Hunter you know you got a creature in your hood or something he's he's like the Exterminator he's the man to call you know Dragon talking about man I just listen I ain't trying to mess with nobody man I'm just trying to eat a couple of people feed my Brides over here you know my you know yeah my stable over here you know and and we're good It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp yeah she is he really was dipping moles out here regularly but he's but you know but everybody know drag Lane to be he's not to be trusted ain't no he ain't never about just trying to live so you know that he has big plans in store to destroy Transylvania if he gets the chance but you know for this movie right here man one of the things that was cool because the Dark Universe was taking itself extremely seriously that's one of the first problems you know he tried to be the Marvel of monster movies I know which no one asked for no one asked you a goddamn thing all right so everybody tried to get the universe together it started out in the way they let you know man we're here to have not just fun we're to have nice campy fun and unlike that other Universe over there this movie right here knew how to pay the proper amount in the right amount of homage to the universal properties out there y'all know this uh this famous line right here you like huh I nailed that come on again one more time [ __ ] now I was uh I ain't gonna lie I was a little I was a little thrown off by Dracula when he showed up success he was he was he was very very modern because he kind of he got his ass looking like a like a jersey bro right here yeah you know you know he looks like he looks like uh Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction and it's just like adamant Triumph is being spoiled over a little thing like crazy boy he looked just like John Travolta Pulp Fiction right there got that ponytail them earrings I have to say like I appreciate that doing but I was like you know come on slow your ass down now we need to make him that modern look like he in the club and [ __ ] back in the 90s well I completely agree with you because watching this I was like that's so I forgot about this movie and it was like it's cool they started black and white they really got the whole Frankenstein Essence down here and man they they keep going with this and he shows up like that I was like man you could have been a little more a bit more Bella gossey yeah yeah when they modernize his ass they they made sure that he stayed that way because like I like this because you know because Dracula is Immortal yeah so that means he's stuck in the 90s because when he came out there in that fireplace and that the not only did like the suit and the cake came back but the ponytail came back the earrings came back and that little that little sexy piece of hair came back over there and like it came back right the same way right [Music] like he's a keyword player and a New Wave band yeah yeah this is a this yeah this dude oh like you know just a little bit uh just a little bit too modern for me but you know I can get it uh might might have gone a little overboard with your boy Igor because man because I mean I'm not saying I didn't like Igor but yeah he said he's overboard yeah I'm looking at ego and he'd look look like he's like he just covered in plaster on his face right there face like paper mache you're gonna look so bad though yeah like like look I I don't need an assistant man this Igor is subservient to whoever pays him he said sure he he ain't [ __ ] I do like this yeah yeah I do like that this com that this ego right here from the beginning they let you know he's a complete sellout he go help me you hate being so kind to me doctor caring thoughtful but he pays me pays you you don't go nowhere when you spending the money online you don't know Igor's life when he's not in the left yeah okay he might be paying for hoes exactly yeah exactly he's got an opium addiction yeah no you know he buying hoes but I tell you it I do maybe maybe maybe uh maybe Dracula looks a little too modern but I do like at the beginning because a lot of times what they try to do is they like these movies were Dracula they wanna they wanna they want you to be seduced by Dracula sure they don't want you to know that he's a monster in the beginning ever since Frank langella they've been trying to make Dracula sex oh yeah no well [ __ ] even with your boy uh uh what's his name yeah he was kind of smooth he came he came in that case yeah black lipstick yeah yeah well you know they always try to make Dracula seductive and they try to make them sexy they try to make them charismatic they didn't waste no time showing that Dracula as an [ __ ] they tried they showed you ahead of time yeah he's a monster I know you're gonna do them like that I am so glad I took that deal yeah [ __ ] he goes like maybe I should put it she put in my resignation right now man just kill him okay I'm sorry yeah he going like I don't want that dinner plan no God damn yeah you know what I like I like that this is funny still to me because Victor Frankenstein he saw them teeth he's like yeah he was trying to be smooth the whole time what are you doing here Dracula no come on let's just let's be reasonable he's on teeth yeah they made they made a a the Frankenstein monster I like the thing made him more sympathetic yeah I I like uh I like that they made him and I'm gonna talk about the Frankenstein monster much later in the discussion unless it gets brought up earlier for some reason but I like that they made it more sympathetic right at the beginning yeah man now that was kind of crazy because he shows up later I was like I don't know even Frankenstein can't handle that [ __ ] whatever because I thought I mean I thought the beginning of this was actually really cool in all kinds of ways like that start out black and white and then uh I like that it went to uh when we finally get to you know for Van Helsing modern times or you know a few years a couple of years later or something whatever it is I really like the intro uh intro of Van Helsing because you know they're putting in that and I thought in creative ways they were really doing well and putting in all the the universal monsters yeah you know I like um you know they're trying to put in as many as they can but you know I like that and I'm gonna be talking about the CG in this but I do like the way they use CG to have a unique take on them also man uh agree yeah no I thought the the designs were cool that they have here uh how they made uh made uh you know Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde I love how they made uh Mr Hydra like old gorilla man personally I'd rather just kill you and call it a day let's make it your decision shall we um two legs you should have saw that oh you should have saw that [ __ ] coming man come on in oh you should have started you should have saw that [ __ ] coming by and you know I have to say it's not a lot but there's there's some good sucker punches in here man well these people are they that's stupid if they can't see half these well no I can't say that because these are vampires they just pop up on your ass and then knock the [ __ ] out of you is there remember some complaints about the movie where they were saying oh this ain't scary enough and I was like it's not really supposed to be scary it's supposed to be more adventurous yeah that's yeah because I remember back in the day not liking that it was so campy or silly but I'm now re-watched it I was like well yeah they clearly set that up by the time you get here yeah and it's like those mummy movies the same director yeah I'm not even saying that you have to like it I'm just saying because if you don't like the camping and stuff in the cylinders of it I don't completely understand that I get it but they but they did set it up to be very silly in the beginning [Applause] [Music] Mr Hyde's ass hanging all out I mean you know your ass crack showing so I mean from the beginning you know it looks we ain't we ain't taking nothing seriously here uh and that's because it's you know in addition to being campy it's supposed to be more adventurous as I said and that's because they're trying to make it boy they try to make bad Helsing another Batman [Applause] got that Grappler hook right there uh right right down to you know you'll know about how Batman is you know Batman goes through moments with the whole city loves them and then Batman one time right you know he'll give somebody a parking ticket or something and then the whole city he busted out some teeth [Music] you're not sanctioned to do this I thought you're supposed to kick my ass I'm not paying this yeah a bad symbol yeah but right but they're right now they're making him that that vigilante where when he stops a certain criminal there's other people some people are grateful other others are like he's out of control and God forbid he kills somebody that's the thing between Van Helsing and Batman van kill somebody and Batman is like see that's the reason why I don't I'm heading you must yeah good day to you too yeah whatever like when uh when uh Mr Hyde's falling wrong then the other turns back and after Jack was like oh [ __ ] oh yeah [Applause] I'm the good one hey yeah and that's funny too because because I do should have been calling him you know murderer monster and he's like again you just see that big ass gorilla man that I took down for y'all foreign [Applause] you got to be James Bond too because after he's done with his grappling hook he goes right to the Vatican which is actually not the Vatican it's pretty much uh uh MI6 yeah in my six when he talks to m and Q yeah they got a Q and gets his new gadgets yeah they got a thing we're down right down to their very own cue and to me I think this all would have worked this is what they were setting it up for they were setting up this up to be sort of a creature featured James Bond Batman I was like man all of that in concept is cool if the movie had been better you know it would have been it I'd tell you if it had they uh had the movie been better at the movie and it did what the box office really is it's just it didn't do well enough it didn't do no it didn't do well enough and critics tore it apart and then Word of Mouth start going around how this is just kind of silly it ain't scary it's you know it's it's you know I expect it to be so campy you know there's a lot of bad word of mouth going and after this came out um you know turning turning Ben Helsing into a monster hunting hero could have been a cool take you know we ain't done yet they still got to bring in the The Wolf Man who's being hunted by Cake Beckinsale in her ass right here you know that would be yeah Michael Bay Vision yeah maybe it is she's like listen I work hard on his ass you make sure you show it actually it was it was I think it was quite the opposite uh that maybe the ass I'll give her the ass but once you see her [Music] it was like how many ribs does she have to remove to get into that corset right there oh yeah she complained about it oh yeah no she she said I'm gonna burn this [ __ ] when I take it off she hated that corset I don't even think she got her ribs back either the Wolfman has an all right design and so I will tell you after looking at it years later like I like the version of The Wolf Man where he looks more wolf than man yeah yeah but uh there's a little on the cartoony side right here oh see that that [ __ ] looks like something you put in somebody's front yard for Halloween one of the higher end things that you get the Halloween store you know you pay the extra bucks for it to move and [ __ ] yeah yeah 100 CG right there which day look cool concept cool design but like I said a little a little on the uh let alone the cartoony side but the effects are kind of old so you know I'm I'm not harping on this I can look past that old [ __ ] uh because that's not the real problem the real problem is well CG is the real problem but you know the thing is that this is this is one of the places where the the movie starts to fall apart as far as Story Goes and concept and I'll tell you why because I'll ask you this what what do we associate with the werewolf Full Moon yes sir yes sir so why is this wolf man out in the daylight I mean right no they don't well but yeah but there's no strict rules I mean they're anytime you do vampires or werewolves you can make up whatever you want now I knew you say that okay that's why I had to say he's gonna call me on this because I bring I'll be kicking some knowledge sometimes and you say but man hey this [ __ ] ain't real that can change whether they want to unless they establish the rules now they can't established the rules that your man comes out here talking about the rules of turning into a werewolf according to the book you won't turn into a werewolf until the rising full moon that's two nights from now now he said you won't turn into a werewolf until the full moon comes out and that's two nights from now now I did try to rationalize I said now maybe in this world turning into a werewolf you know because you can bend the rules I I ain't I ain't no stickler of edit and by the way there is no rule book to wearables right right there is a Wikipedia because I tried to say hey maybe maybe these uh these werewolves maybe that's maybe the approach time yes is for the full moon yes and then after that they can change whenever they when whenever their little furry hearts desire I went by that I went by their rules their words and there's a it's not a werewolf Wiki it is the Van Helsing movie wiki for what they do there's a Wiki for everything so I went over there looked at the wiki and it says while the werewolf may look like a normal person by day by Night both their body and mind is transformed into that of a monster and they tend to be extremely destructive in nature so they're talking about here they that's the words that they say at by night both their bodies in our mind is transformed not by day in there so that's their words right there so they you know there's a lot of this in here where they bend the rules not because it's a creative take on anything just because we don't really give a [ __ ] you know yeah we need to werewolf in here right now yeah we just need a werewolf and we just need some cool [ __ ] to look at we just need some cool CG right and that's a problem with the movie I think the rest of this [ __ ] happens during the day yes and then because the other scene's gonna be the other day yeah that's just all news because if we don't want to we don't want to bother shooting that night favorite right yeah and and listen to let you know I ain't I'm not I'm not just picking on the wolf man you know I I I actually I let some things go like the vampires were all out in the daylight but you know for this they were in full daylight but but but it was cloudy so I said okay yeah it's it's as long as this is not direct sunlight there yeah exactly I said okay cool I'm down with it man I'm 100 down with it we can do that uh well you know yeah you can like some block I'm like okay okay yeah you know I'm I'm down with it I was just I was just thinking and that cool Transformations that's why I said hey you know if they want to transform at night and they want to do that thing I'm completely done with that but you know hey uh but and that's cool man I ain't look I I ain't trying to be an [ __ ] here all right I'm just I'm going I'm going with it I'm going with it ain't none of this [ __ ] is real we've been the rules but you made the rules I didn't I'm on my way I'm going by your words the written word by the way so you can't sit up here and say when I call you I get to the person man I never said that [ __ ] yeah you did I got it right here black and white um yeah when you bring the [ __ ] because I was high when I wrote that yes you were put the [ __ ] down there's a now there's a reason these small details are missed and that's because the movie starts to be taken down by his own special effects I believe you know because the the special effects are the main priority after a while not the story there's Concepts that are cool but they're not really connected well uh this is such an effects Driven movie that is the story just stopped making sense all right I can tell you that right now care and characters stop feeling real because half the time they turn into CG and special effects they flip around and jumping all over the goddamn place so much that half the time they just look like video game characters oh man you might as well have a Mario hat off yeah that was like uh yeah the exact thing I was gonna say maybe yeah yeah that was me boy 100 that was me y'all I can't do it again and I listen that dude that plays I forgot to say this the dude that plays uh the the Q character here but got the actor he was just yeah he was in Elvis recently uh I did like that character I thought it was kind of cool that and collect that character haven't seen them be like this silly before rings of garlic holy water Silverstein dildo you don't want to sheave that everybody and the point where those effects start to really lose that mind it starts with those crazy ass Brides man this is where the movie really went off the rails man you know first of all it's funny that they tried to bring these Brides In like they did because they you know they tried to make them sexy you know they tried to like you know they they tried to to [ __ ] tease as far as they could get away with with a PG-13 rating ain't got no nipples all right and you think when you look at it it looks like they have ass they don't it's just a smooth back there they're like demonic Barbie dolls but man wants them the nipples the the brides come in or the harpies come in there they it's just it's just a swirl of CG man [Applause] it's not even them it's like CG gone wild yeah and right here man and this and the reason why I say this because the movie gets even further inconsistent you know they've been in the rules they're changing their rules uh the characters become inconsistent Van Helsing gets into town at one moment at one moment he's uh he's like American Sniper I mean he's on he's his foolish Hawkeye he's on he's he's on point with his shots foreign but right there that's it all right there that on point with it get that one shot get that fool a machine gun he can't hit [ __ ] she's like hey [ __ ] it's a good thing he's a terrible shot yeah [Applause] they start getting a human that don't work weird sexual innuendo comes in [Applause] get off me [ __ ] but for some reason action comedy movies cannot resist doing that yes yeah yeah that's why I was saying all of them do it yeah that's why I was like man we we've seen this done over and over again and it's it disrupts the action actually it's just because it's gonna be different if it was actually clever I mean Indiana Jones has been doing this but it just you know it just slows everything down if it was funny or maybe put in a little better but you know it's like they're going crazy right now they're going crazy they start coming in with these is that sexual bad innuendo jokes terrible one-liners well let's just say I'm old enough stunts don't make no sense they just doing crazy [ __ ] I mean this is it's like looking at a bunch of monkeys just let loose let loose and just jump around all over the place okay do that again it's like I mean I guess it worked I mean you got off the ledge well that didn't work well she like you know what that was a easy way to do this I could have just dropped down this is what I keep trying to look cool I tried to ship him I could have just [ __ ] me down man who put that tree there yeah yeah that wasn't there before she said you know I could have just let go right and just hit the ground yeah no she tried to look badass she trying to she tried to show up Van Helsing what she tried to do watch this man but they got to the point where I said this this hot this is what I knew nah they are just losing their damn Minds right now they just did because they just started doing random [ __ ] things ain't even in the action they just picking them up and just putting them in there ain't got nothing to do with anything that's going on minding their own business and then they just throw it in there because I don't know [Applause] you're like one another that guy wasn't bothering nobody this is where I knew the movie Lost His goddamn mind they just threw a cow in the middle of the scene through his ass into a building and from there the CG they're like well [ __ ] we threw a cow in a building for no reason should we do whatever we want now everybody knows we're crazy you know uh from there the CG just gets more gets more carried away you know just doing things again just to do with no reason man and sometimes it's cool you know the way they take it the the way they push the CG uh you know I it's because it's weird looking how The Wolf Man when he transforms back Like The Wolf Man you know he doesn't he doesn't just transform he actually like that the when he turns into a wolf man there's a human inside of him he just has to tear out of it and I like the way they showed him tearing like the the the old body away it's hot it's a little extreme but it looks freaky I I like it I like that no that's what I said no no it is especially when you have what Rick Baker did with American Werewolf in London you're always looking for like okay what can we do that's not that yeah but it's still impressive yeah but other times you know they don't know when to stop when they're here they start to other times it just gets ridiculous like uh you know that was cool they did right there but what they didn't show you what I haven't shown you yet is that in this movie when you turn into a werewolf you also suddenly get radioactive Spider-Man powers foreign [Applause] not all of it because one point is darker they can cover up a lot sometimes they put that [ __ ] right out there in the bright speaking of vampires the brightest of sunlight so you can just see how terrible that is she screaming at herself she likes turtles Jesus Christ I look like [ __ ] sometimes the characters are just [ __ ] and he throws the movie off I was mad they were such an [ __ ] I had to laugh man of course man how's it down in the Transylvania try to help these people you know and and you know I say these people man you know these those people down to Transylvania let's let's directly eat all of them because all [ __ ] man uh you know some of them and they realize some of the nastiest people I mean they look nasty and dirty anyway look they're like they're like from the Appalachians or something man like they all are like meth addicts and [ __ ] McCoys yeah but on top of that there's some of the nastiest most ungrateful ass people that I've ever seen mainly because they're listening to this dude right here his ass so that's the that's that's the Grave Digger man he loves his job so much to the point that he's he's mentally ill that job got to him man because at night he just at night he just spends time just hanging out in in the graveyard not just sitting down like other goth people do now he's he's cool now in a coffin Van Helsing he he still he sees how weird he is and he's still and how ungrateful these people are and he's still trying to be cool he's still there to help he even tries to have a little small talk with the Grave Digger man where they hanging out at night even though he don't even like him you're like you know what I'll go and chat this dude up man keeping some company Graves isn't it never too late and how and this one made me laugh they out there cooling out talking and how does the grave dig he's there to help these people and how does the gravedigger repay him you never know when you need a fresh water he's like [ __ ] don't you ever disrespect me you're right because I I heard your tone I could tell you yeah I think you got enough work to do and he and what's his excuse oh sorry it's just my nature yeah it's my nature to cap your ears right now too you keep playing with me at least pistol yeah yeah you know nobody likes this dude I I think I mean the town listens to him because you know he's probably the loudest and crazy as one but nobody likes him Van Helsing is out there looking for The Wolf Man and the Wolf man's out there looking for Van Helsing but for just a brief moment just a brief moment The Wolf Man said hey step aside man I got this man oh man get that [Music] waiting all night [Music] ain't even surprised here's the crazy thing here's the wild thing right here just two minutes ago the gravedigger was talking [ __ ] talking about just just how cool him and the Wolfman were man oh is he the worst man hasn't killed you yet don't worry he's getting to it you don't seem to bother by him oh I'm not afraid to him he's like oh he's he's ugly that's a good question he said that he says oh he says it's not he says I have no Coral with the Wolfman or whatever oh no threat to him oh he says oh I'm not threat to him yeah [ __ ] I'm a threat to you oh man that the story is the story becomes it's already been disjoining all over the place but I mean it gets it just it just becomes a mess the way it loses the structure Man the movie I was saying this the movie has two climaxes like it and both of them are the same it does make no sense it does you know yeah you can pick this apart oh they don't make no sense so here's the thing it's no surprise Dracula likes remember Eagle one two others before they do unto me no like these [ __ ] doing unto me right yeah before they do all to me and master it is again I get something else over here go to bed eagle my cataracts back come on boy he letting people he letting everybody know I'm about to have a good time so you know since he likes to get down like that yeah he he had he had a lot of kids this was worth he's worse than Nick Cannon man the only problem is he has all these kids he's got a since he's a vampire they're born dance he's got to find a way to bring him to life what do you think they are Offspring it only makes sense that children are born dead he's obviously trying to bring into life it actually doesn't make sense no it don't make no no it don't make no sense boring day okay no it don't make no did your accent yeah I'm sorry I'm looking at all these eggs and these bras their ass must be hurting from me all these days I mean I know it's been 400 years I ain't the problem they had time to lay them it's just that that's those some big ass turrets to be passing right there man huge ass eggs right there well you putting in work every day yeah yeah [ __ ] every night and day yeah just trying to work it out so so here's here's the thing so you know this happened two climaxes so he has to have these kids have to bring them to life some kind of way um so he tries to this is another thing I understand he tries to bring to life with wolf man power all right and another thing I don't know why they just look cool I don't know why Dracula's kids look like damn you know little gargoyles and everything and oh this shows lightning effects that's animated that's some Disney [ __ ] that looks like some 80s [ __ ] yeah I'm sorry and again this movie is PG-13 so they don't even like they can't even figure out what they want these little gremlins to do man they go to town and you know he says feed my children your Hungry Feet and they get there they don't eat nobody they just pick up people and just drop them 90s movie this is humor that would not fly today give me that ass that's what you can do you want a monk well actually I'm damn um pleasure she seems right now so he saved her so he says hey you owe me some sex what she did offer she offered anything yeah I know I know you wish was in her ear he he stood back waiting to get slapped and she said well you can't do that hello that's the only objection she had yeah I'm just saying today that would not fly dudes ain't supposed to be expecting sex for saving somebody's life for sure this experiment is a failure so for no reason they don't explain the little Grandma's just explode [Applause] [Laughter] so here's where I'm talking about where things repeat this is that that right there is a is a climax so I was like okay well [ __ ] you know I don't know what they got planned for the end because I was you know that wasn't really badass but you know they throw a lot of money into it it's kind of stupid actually but okay whatever well he says well since the wolf man didn't work now I need a freaking stuff but you had to be thinking like all right well all that stuff with Frankenstein the beginning I know wait who haven't seen where is he that's what I would like I don't know why wolf man power was needed but then they said let me get a Frankenstein monster he was dead yeah yeah but he said we uh for something I don't know yeah there's something where he's like well he's been looking for Frankenstein yeah I guess he used the Wolfman again I don't know what wolf man power is going to do Frankenstein and he pulls he puts his ass up there like okay now now this [ __ ] gonna work foreign [Music] thing happening this time it's with Frankenstein oh yeah yeah okay and it's funny because this Frankenstein is a lot more like Young Frankenstein yeah it is more like Frank and Berry than his original Frankenstein monsters yeah he does but yeah look they do the same thing it looks exactly the same has the same results they all start popping off again you know yeah it used to pop it up again it's like all right you know it's the same [ __ ] that we did the climax is the exact same thing we did he put one in the middle and repeated again at the end with just a little bit maybe a little bit extra but I was like wow you know I I that says how much this movie really was kind of spinning at Wheels when it came to the story you know if they made it make sense and I might I might be down with it and so I mean this okay now this this is me this is me being kind of petty right here I'm just nitpicking now no yeah I know who me but I did I did laugh though at one thing because uh I know it's a campy movie man it is and I'm accepting it for that man but it gets so campy sometimes that the the decorations even look goofy man I got these to see but because you know they got things that are just assumed to be in a spooky hunting castle like rats laughs but this rats just chilling man how do you know why they are there like dudes on a corner or something they just can't just hanging man that should be a little trash can with fire it should be like a Lamppost over here they just chilling man it's like there's no food over there no there's nothing they just hold it just because the Castle's supposed to have rats but it's just kind of like you know those wrestling even look mangy they look well groomed they look like mice in a way or something like that they're tiny like a pet shop yeah yeah and that's what it looked like if somebody said man we need to put something right here to fill the space man put these mice over there doesn't look like they belong well somebody's supposed to bring rats and he's like gerbils yeah the rats were already ran it out but they bought hamsters I mean I guess what you say ain't even dirty those are the most domesticated looking animals I've ever seen yeah don't lose them a little girl named each one of those mics right there [ __ ] at the end of the night let me put a carriage for Cinderella exactly she's just saying it watch up two of them yeah his eyes don't care like they just took a box of rats by the way pet rats and throw some more fake cobbles come on man yeah he jacked me going through a Halloween store right here exactly is expensive but you know and I get some of this is intentional to miss I try to hang with that made me laugh man and I'm conflicted man because some of this is fun but you know some of this is also very bad uh the bad stuff is bad it's it's such a spectacle you know visual slap together I mean not just as I've been saying it just it it keeps falling apart pieces just keep falling off as we go along man well it keeps trying to force the adventure and the action it does and it does and see the problem is that as I said nobody's thinking of before they weren't thinking of rules before they weren't thinking of of of uh of story and now they just they're not even editing is bad there's a point now I don't know if you saw this now again maybe I'm wrong I I because I was thinking about this maybe I missed something but there's a point where there's a spike Stage Coach that comes out of identity by the way it comes out of nowhere they just find a coach somewhere I guess they they carjack somebody or something but yeah coach coach Jack there but they find a coach y'all you know demonic looking and everything and you know Hey listen you know they got they got a nice chase scene the action looks cool foreign I'm not I'm not physics that was out the window yeah early on yeah I ain't even questioning it that's I'm not gonna nitpick on that but we haven't had all kind of crazy stuff in this movie but what that trailer or that coach was the stagecoach was supposed to be it was supposed to be a Decoy for another Stage Coach out there all right Frankenstein the monster was supposed to be in there but it was empty he's gonna he's in another coach yo Frankenstein's in another Castle [Music] okay so my question is how did that other coach get over there the bridge wasn't broken for the other one well did they show it no it just makes sense because that because they were supposed to go straight through but that bridge was busted so if the other coach made it and was able to keep up with him the other Bridge must have been intact see that's another thing where like they must have been I think they should have showed that to somebody I don't know I don't know how they would show it but you know yeah yeah exactly they flew that's what happened that's what they just did but some things I really like you know Dracula been acting his uh over acting his ass off to the whole movie oh Richard roxburgh yeah Draculas are want to do yeah but it was just somebody but yeah at this time you like all right but for some reason like baby gonna be careful there's a way to do it but he was he really was overactive yeah I am Holo I thought he gonna pull out an inhaler and see that's the thing about Richard roxburgh you give him a role he can't do his natural South African accent he's like all right that's gonna be all this now these brides are bad man and you know and at least one of them because one of them she she ain't even acting she's acting with her titties what do you want Oh the hot one command to try the monster I mean she's holding that [ __ ] together right now [Music] I'm ready man you know speaking of of old frank over here man I like the Frankenstein monster man in this I like again I like to take the Hat on them oh my God after Frankenstein monster monster you know I kind of like that he was able to fall apart again something that's very cartoon in the movie to let you know they're not taking anything seriously yeah exactly but but I did like it though it looks like he looks like those uh those those uh uh bodies that you had in class where you take the head off yeah yeah yeah yeah he's got hinges on him yeah exactly um I like that he's just not you know a moaning idiot I like that you know he's talking about he's philosophical yeah yeah it's quite eloquent yeah I kind of like that take on him like he's you know everybody calls him a monster he's probably the most rational one out of everybody we must kill it as you value your lies in the lives of your kind you will kill me no somebody he said so get down get off me well you will kill me he's like because if you let me up oh I'm killing everybody who knows I'll beat y'all's ass gotta drop on me ain't gonna happen again you better kill me [ __ ] a monster did I say monster I was not referring to you that was my that was my dad talking that's not me uh I like Igor as I said Igor talk some [ __ ] in this movie boy I'm glad he got his later on but he go I guess the Igor is a piece of [ __ ] in this film long as you like you try to get eager you're gonna get you well he's late please [Music] that's a little jig yeah he pleased with that yeah that was a good one the eagle got a good win yeah I even like the the the bad CG because we're near the end of this I even like the bad CG that uh that happened like they have a bad CG morphing fight at the end with the with Dracula and and and and and Hugh Jackman who turns into a werewolf at one point [Music] all right I'm trying to be nice to stop listening okay all right I tried to be reasonable with you you know this is just a big CG fight that we all knew was gonna happen although you know it was always it was already kind of cheesy it was only made cheesy because you know hey we got you Jackman so we had to make that reference schnick just in case you didn't get it y'all yeah yeah I admired the ending I kind of I thought it was pretty bold what they did near the end here uh it's very tragic and I didn't expect that for what they did here so Kate Beckinsale is Anna you know she she finds a cure for werewolf Van Halen because I almost slept earlier when uh with Van Halen when Van Helsing turned to David Robinson oh yeah yeah he starts having blonde hair types oh oh that's you who said that oh I need a cure for this [ __ ] yeah real quick foreign but I was uh uh she uh she finds a cure for her for Van Helsing man she and she's just she's just trying to help and Van Helsing got to be an [ __ ] about it shake me in the yard yeah [ __ ] I've been inside I know what's happening and the thing is when he when he does that I I thought I thought I thought he's gonna run into it and then he's gonna knock it down he's gonna be like oh oh okay oh is she my God my God what am I doing oh my God I love you and like nah nah like no I'm just dead foreign [Music] Maybe you know just just maybe and no they said we're gonna make sure you know she ain't coming back that was surprising because you know any other movie especially a Cheesy movie they find some way to bring people back yeah anyway but they had to ruin it you know we man that would have been actually a really cool ending had he killed it and been like wow I you know going back to what the beginning of the movie like wow I am a murderer I got to reconcile with this and they could have made a sequel where he's trying to come come to grips with uh you know all the pain that he's causing everything nah nah they wanted you to leave with that that that that that good feeling boy so they had to put hey I want you to let you know that hey she's still out there somewhere you know we we never really die you like that what kind of grass am I burning man they're in a poppy field or something see I would have thought that they're gonna do a Segway with a broader bag like Jack's a bit of right before she got killed by the you know yeah no no no no no no no no no no unless she come back as a phoenix or something from Rises From the Ashes no hell no they've done a single man with a higher kick back yourself but it's again so well maybe a little age actually switched him out like James bar girls yeah you might have done that yeah change the answer to a Goddamn Force ghost and they just ended like that and they would get hey let you know she's all right Van Helsing he don't have to feel guilty man don't you feel bad man you see up there in the clouds yeah I was a werewolf at the time yeah and I just love it too she's looking at him like look at it it's okay baby I'm I'm in a better place I'm making it raining yeah I mean yeah you did I mean I could see my brother at all but but I did have a few a few years left in me man yeah exactly I was gonna give you some too yeah yeah that that really is a [ __ ] ending right there hey van don't you feel bad man feeling good he gets on his horse and he's like well I got the okay to just ride off somebody else's life like a cowboy yeah exactly this is a mixture of Indiana Jones yeah yep so there you go yeah people so that's that's the thing no it really was it's like you know when those are the kind of things like that these weird decisions these you know these these non-explanations uh those kind of things right there is what was getting in the way of of a good campy movie it's not because a movie was silly anything that I disliked that I actually enjoyed that part of it it's just that it really did kind of come in and let the effects take over yeah and it could have been it could have been a whole lot better like I said it was a great concept I thought I like the idea about James Bond uh uh Monster Hunter man you know it's not as painful when you watch it on TV or watch it on you know at home on your computer so you know I don't think it's a total waste I think there's some good parts in there that are fun it's just that it's a it's too long watch and I don't think it's a good movie by any means I'm probably lean more at the critics where you know they just let a lot of CG ruin you know what could have been a fun movie yeah hey but hey you know it's out there on TV and streaming and all this kind of stuff so nice I think I think it was food oh yeah I mean but when it's bad it's bad but when it's fun it can be fun so there you go yeah foreign [Music]

Channel: Double Toasted

Views: 95,089

Keywords: Van Helsing review, Van Helsing movie review, Van Helsing hugh jackman, Hugh Jackman Van Helsing, Van Helsing movie, Van Helsing bad movie review, Van Helsing brides, Van Helsing frankenstein, Van Helsing trailer, Bad movie review, movie reviews, movie review, movie, review, Hugh Jackman, Dracula, Van, Helsing, Halloween, Funny video, Double toasted bad movie review, Double toasted, Doubletoasted, Doubletoasted.com

Id: WWctvU8aiuE

Length: 56min 50sec (3410 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 09 2022