Vampire Survivors... but explained in Insults.

I was warned about this game sub morons my name's lindette and welcome to vampire survivors this game looks like crap it's so simple a toddler could understand it and yet it's the most addictive game I've ever got my hands on just what kind of creepy gambling infested creature made this apparently some dude named Luca Gallant also known as punkle whatever none of that matters I'm here to tell you why it's cool for starters the entire experience from beginning to end is nothing less than a dopamine Factory designed to make your brain melt from all the pretty sounds and colors this game uses you know gambling tricks to keep you invested and I'm sad to say that it [ __ ] works the bath entry is at the [ __ ] floor as soon as you press play You're dropped into the world with no explanation whatsoever and you immediately learned that the only thing you have to control is movement like I said floor level as soon as you've landed the whip starts attacking of its own accord and within a few seconds you've already accidentally hit one of these pixelated bats and oh yeah now it all makes sense you've got to do that again within 10 [ __ ] seconds this game has dropped you in surrounded you with [ __ ] to kill and now you're mindlessly slaughtering everything inside just to collect more shiny gems and it's only once you've collected enough of them that suddenly oh yeah we've got progression now you might be dumb as [ __ ] but thankfully this game only needs to introduce you to the yes button and you've already picked one of the three options without knowing how any of this [ __ ] works and you don't need to because as soon as you pitch something you're already right back to mind the slaughter and Gem collection like it's all you've ever known do you see why this game is addictive we're only 30 seconds in and how can we forget about the music as soon as you press play this [ __ ] slaps you in the face right from the word go and it never fails to be a [ __ ] ball [Music] please as soon as you regain sentience however special enemies start appearing with some serious chunk after beating Mary hell out of them for what feels like an eternity you're suddenly met with a chest cool free [ __ ] I'll take your entire stock oh and by the way if you ever get sick of the chest opening animation not that I think anybody would it literally feels like winning the lottery just press B to skip it you're welcome your first run will likely be nothing to write home about you've got some items killed some [ __ ] lasted about 10 minutes and then passed out from blood loss not that any of that matters though because you've already pressed start again to collect more serotonins we'll ignore him for now while he mindlessly commits genocide and talk about what else this game has to offer yeah you've got new characters a map system Arcana new unlocks weapon combinations a dog calming fields of relaxation calming fields of mindless destruction a bunch of new stages a power-up system and Jesus sort of to be honest most of these speak for themselves so how about I cover the two that don't Arcana is a pretty self-explanatory once you've progressed far enough through the game you'll stumble across a purple chest inside it is a deck of magic cards and you get one this is an Arcana and it gives you a buff that's it the cards are random so I can't tell you exactly what you'll get just know that they're strong and the game lets you pick which one you want to start with at the start of each Run Okay moving on weapon combinations also known as evos happen when you take one weapon and one power up and combine them into something [ __ ] broken but there's a catch what a surprise each weapon only has one Evo you can't just pick up any two old things and smash them together to make something overpowered you've got to learn each one take the whip for example first pick up the hollowed heart and then upgrade your whip all the way to level eight see these boxes that's the level once you've upgraded it all the way just find a chest open it and Bam super whip now you heal literally every time you attack I told you it was busted each Evo gets added to the grimoire one at a time as you discover them so [ __ ] around and find out I guess what you don't know what a grimoire is then get your ass over to the library and go pick it up it's literally just lying on the floor now what else am I missing coins are meant for power-ups and unlocks yeah I guess that makes sense power-ups can be found in the start menu I mean I suppose yeah it's just a giant [ __ ] green button oh right you can check this box here to see items scattered around the map at all times and killing all the enemies around one of these boxes will unlock a new character now because you guys are [ __ ] stupid and need all the help you can get I'll run you through the basics of what your first run is going to look like here's gamer wimdy doing his first playthrough I was warned about this game vampire survivors they say that it is the most addictive roguelike to come out ever once you start playing you just can't stop and I'll be the judge of that I can quit anytime I want I can quit anytime I watch just one more just one more run all right we've got a start menu here with Antonio I can't unlock anybody else what the [ __ ] is this once a thriving Haven now a Dumping Ground for evil a vampire is said to be the root of this evil but we can find out Mayhem and roast chicken what roast chicken all right we're in oh God uh wait what you don't attack manually what it just attacks automatically how am I supposed to live through this okay oh my god oh I see them hi guys I think I can spot the gambling aspects of this game level up a king's Bible orbits around the character Santa water generates damaging zones or the whip level 2 fires one more projectile I am struggling to attack behind me so give me the whip oh my God yeah it does work I have a God I want more levels excuse me you're coming through [ __ ] bats ow ow oh my God wait what the [ __ ] why am I being hurt who are you people ah you will all perish at my hand wait no I need more damage [ __ ] high damage High area scaling generates damaging zones base damage goes up by five this definitely feels like I could quit any shy my wife so I just eat a nap vertically and it just falls down the screen indefinitely where is this ax going I need all the gems I want gems oh roast chicken wait what is this treasure Cade another ax what does this do fires one more projectile nice oh [ __ ] okay [ __ ] uh everything is gambling I see Jesus Christ stop leveling me up [ __ ] the magic wand uh a knife magic wand what the [ __ ] why are there so many bats go away oh wait oh man this is satisfying oh God look at the amount of damage the power of Christ compels you why is one more projectile hell yeah I'm up I'm not oh my God what the [ __ ] now I've got three this doesn't matter everything's dying [ __ ] you guys get out of my way yeah yeah I could only win everything is a victory casinos Love winners oh God no oh God there's so many sounds and things I'm in heaven this is incredible it fires one more projectile yes who needs extra damage when I can just have more things ow oh God why are they skills it's everywhere why are they Pirates Yara fiddle the Earth I'm gonna stab you with my [ __ ] spear buyers one more projectile raises inflicted damage by 10 this game is so pixely what's down excuse me I'm just gonna go to the bottom of the map I don't know what's down here so I am curious excuse me coming through a Crossroads I wonder if this world is tileable or not I'm just gonna keep heading south Lord knows this video is just going south here we go oh God wait why is this bad have so much help it had a chest in it wow wow oh my word I'm so rich there's so much money damn yeah uh oh wait are these plants the problem this is the reason why I can't go down forever why are they praying mantises oh God what do I do plants they're coming for me no finally the plants are dead let's go we did it I don't know how we did it I don't know what happened who are these people why are you green yeah oh our chest give me that I'm rich [Music] what's the money in the top right actually for what do you mean that this is a game that I've got to interact with I can't even attack on purpose this game is nice I I like this this is a visual order out out they're everywhere what the [ __ ] no why are there so many swarms so I keep moving you can't hit me if I just keep picking up gems then I'll win we're nearly that yeah hell yeah I just want to keep increasing numbers numbers go up and I win no what the [ __ ] how do I have to squeeze through there oh boy oh look at all those crystals oh boy oh look at this chest nice yes excuse me coming through thank you they come out of nowhere it's gonna come again I know it is ah go away I have no idea if like going up or down is like a good mood is it do I just like Traverse this endless land what is my purpose here what am I doing am I here to take out the vampire I don't understand the premise of this game Who Am I well I know my character's name actually no I don't know my character's name I've already forgotten my character's name but why did gems give me upgrades we don't [ __ ] know yeah oh God no here come the plants again please just all stack up in a neat and orderly fashion okay I'm leaving the plant Circle why are they praying mantises the size of a building who are you okay okay oh God no Jesus Christ what the [ __ ] why are there so many of these pirate yahar building spearmen I've been alive for 11 minutes and 38 seconds I was born today I was today years old when I survived the skeleton pirate apocalypse okay I noticed a slight downside with my methodology of travel is that I can't pick up any of the gems oh no mantis mantis mantis Lord have mercy holy [ __ ] my brain is constantly looking for a route back on myself but like as soon as I do then this [ __ ] endless one I'm dead no I could quit anytime I watch just one more just one more

Channel: Windette

Views: 224,407

Keywords: insults, insulting, script, scripted, tutorial, how to, how 2, explained, funny, high energy, high effort, yelling, screaming, shouting, swearing, fuck, fucking, dumbass, asshole, idiot, idiots, degenerate, bully, bullying, mean, dumb, stupid, suck, game, videogame, youtube, hilarious, essay, video essay, Windette, windette, explainedininsults, on crack, crack

Id: dC2vYzMwVgc

Length: 10min 20sec (620 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 24 2023