Validation, communication through empathy | Naomi Feil | TEDxAmsterdamWomen

[Music] [Music] uh I want you to know I grew up in a home for old people my father was the administrator and we had five rooms in this home and every as a little girl this was 1940 I opened the door and there were my friends the old people across the street across the hallway hi Mrs Lou I'm going to school now and when I come home will write everything down that the teacher said in my diary and I still have that diary I went back to this home in 1963 to work um as a social worker and my background being psychology and I learned validation by my mistakes when an old person would say to me I wish I was dead I use sympathy I know just how you feel this morning I woke up and I wished I was dead too but you know what I did I got myself a nice cup of tea and I felt so much better here old lady where's an old lady here's an old lady here's a cup of tea you'll feel so much better this 90-year-old woman she drank the tea she didn't feel better her she had lost a baby a long time ago and she never grieved and now in her old age she had to cry the tea didn't help her she swallowed the tea she swallowed her emotions and she stopped talking then I tried redirection and diversion look don't worry about dying it's a beautiful day look outside the sun shining we'll take a little walk we'll play some music you love music and feel so much better well the old lady she took a walk she played the music but she didn't feel better because her her child had died and no one was listening then I learned about validation through listening I found that all the people had a good reason behind what they did behind their behavior I learned first the other techniques I people feel sorry for people I have sympathy sympathy your objective empathy you feel what that old person feels even though you're not going through what they're going through you feel with them not just for them and then with empathy the validation techniques almost always work the other techniques are a little superficial so how do you get empathy first I have to be honest with myself I can't stand that old lady every day I want to go home I want to go home we're human beings if I'm full of my own emotions I can never cross the street to the side of this old lady too much traffic so now I have to take my feelings and put them away and then Center myself which is a way of breathing so you take all your own feelings and get rid of them and you're then like an empty vessel you can take in the feelings of that old person then I learned to rephrase rephrasing is exquisite listening how does that person talk is it fast is it slow what is the pitch what is the tempo and then you say what that old person has said in a question as if you're asking is this what you mean so if an old lady says to you I wish I was dead her voice was low after wish there was a little pause I was dead came very fast so then you ask you don't want to live anymore and now I trust you cuz you really care that's right I don't want to live anymore I have just enough and you don't say oh Naomi don't cry everything is fine it's not so bad no it's not fine I have to cry and you help me get rid of all my feelings and then we can take a walk and and and play music so you use polarity polarity is the extreme the positive extreme or the negative in this instance it's negative because I feel so bad so you ask what is the worst thing about being alive that you want to die the worst thing I can't walk oh I walk so much in my life and you listen as I cry crying is healing when a person can't cry anymore the body is all stopped up when I'm finished crying you can use reminiscing where were you born that you walked so much in your life huh I was born in the black forest and my husband and I we we walked with our dog and now I feel safe with you and also so you you also don't lie to the person I learn not to lie today we learn a therapeutic lie if an old person says to you mother mother mother don't worry Naomi your mother's right around in the corner she'll be here in a few minutes well I'll sit down because you're telling me my mother's alive and I want her to be alive and I see her with my mind's eye but deep down I know my mother is dead I buried her I saw her in her grave but I don't want to know that so I don't quite trust you I know something's wrong so you don't have to lie you rephrase with empathy mother mother Naomi is there something wrong with your mother yes oh yes and you mirror my movements where is she my mother oh mother oh mother she said oh yes what do you want to tell her mother I love you m I love you and you listen and this old woman cries a few minutes later that same old woman will most likely say to you my mother she's with the dear Lord she's not with us anymore she's gone I always knew my mother was dead but a few minutes before she was alive so you don't argue and you don't lie you listen with empathy if an old woman says to you and and you're my daughter you stole my wedding ring C [Laughter] her and uh if people use symbols in order to express their emotions a symbol is something like a ring or someone like a person that substitutes for something or someone from the past I I am now 88 years old and my husband died when I was 20 I never grieved I swallowed my feelings and I went to work my whole life but those feelings that were inside they grew they bubbled they hurt but I still never honest I'm never responsible so if you ask me what kind of a life did you have with your husband ask me what kind of life life did you have with your husband oh we had a wonderful three years it was so nice we had a honeymoon nice clothes I'll never say I never should have married him I only married him cuz I was pregnant oh no that's buried but I want to express my feelings so what do I do I use my wedding ring as a symbol this ring is a honeymoon I never had the nice clothes the house by the Sea the love the the passion that's my ring and in the middle of the night I wake up I take my wedding ring and I hide it under my underwear and I go back to sleep and the next morning you stole my wedding ring and you argue with me you say but mother I I I didn't I'll tell you I'll show you where it is let me see it's not in the story mother here's your wedding ring I found it how did you know where it was cuz you hit it there yourself you thief the more you argue the more I have to fight you because deep down I know I hit it myself I hit it because it's the only way I have of expressing my feelings that I have been cheated and robbed of a happy life and you did it I never said it's me I shouldn't have married when I was 17 I'm responsible I was never honest with my emotions my whole life I blame somebody else so you don't argue you don't lie you listen with empathy and you rephrase I stole your wedding ring Mom that's right you did Mom how old were you when you got that ring I was young I was only 17 you worked hard all your life yes I did and what do you do for me and you listen while your mom cries and when I'm through you crying I feel so much better and you will find every time I hide my ring if you listen and help me express my feelings I won't hide my ring anymore because feelings that are expressed and validated with empathy are relieved thank you very much [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 286,030

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Netherlands, Social Science, Community, Social Entrepreneurship

Id: ESqfW_kyZq8

Length: 11min 2sec (662 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 03 2015