UPDATED: Got Pregnant At 16 & Parents Disowned Me, Now They Want To See Daughter 10 yrs Later.. AITA

[Music] relationship advice update i got pregnant at 16 my parents disowned me and tried taking custody of my daughter after 10 years my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and both want to reconnect with me and get to know their grandchild i need help on how to handle this original story i am very sorry if this is convoluted and riddled with grammar and spelling mistakes at 16 i slept with my good friend jared the protection broke and my daughter was created my parents who were great until this point didn't like that and wanted me to get a termination i couldn't bring it over myself too i wanted to keep the baby of course my parents told me to pack my stuff and leave the house in their lives so i did i went to my friend's house and his parents took me in they weren't thrilled but they said that we all had to help as a new family member was in the making in that time my friend and i started to develop feelings for each other i had my daughter and about two months later jared's brother came back into their lives he was a recovering substance addict as we had the baby my mother-in-law told him he could not stay with us eventually they let him stay more and more and he was spending nights until he had a relapse and stole a bunch of stuff my parents got wind of that they dug up a bunch of stuff and found out that my mother-in-law also fought addiction after an accident she had 15 years ago left her hooked on pain meds so they called cps on us and a whole investigation was opened it was a dark time i thought they were going to take my baby in the end they didn't find anything substantial but them calling cps on me transformed into a tradition over the years as it was a small town every mistake i made got back to my parents i was half an hour late to pick up due to my job cps charges because neglect i was out after 10 p.m with my toddler this happened twice because we went to family gatherings cps christmas loads of people stayed at jared's house because it was a big family cps because many strange men were there they eventually stopped it because they were fine for calling them on me unnecessarily if they had done it more i think it could have been an offense the last call was five years ago eventually jared and i married when we were 23 and we are quite happy we worked retail jobs and studied it took us longer than average to graduate but we did with a lot of help from his parents jared is now an engineer and i work as a graphic designer we were able to afford a big flat and finally moved out of his parents house our lives look normal now anyway a week ago i get a call from my mother who told me my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and that his ultimate wish is to see me and my daughter again i don't really know what to do because while they didn't have to take care of me while i was pregnant i wish they had at least supported me and while i get that they were panicking because they thought i was going to be an unfit mother they made my life hell for five years now for the top advice before we read the update i had the same situation happening to me i decided to go and see them without bringing my child first after six visits i realized nothing changed i was glad i didn't introduce my son to their crazy exactly this opie needs to work out her relationship with her parents before she even thinks about introducing her daughter this break was definitely traumatic for op she needs to come to terms with her parents before she begins the introduction process there ought to be multiple meetings where it's just her prior to bringing the daughter i'd also suggest having her husband and her and in-law tag along a few times opie will need some moral support their opinion will also be more objective so op can figure out if any decisions she makes are based on a clear understanding of the situation or on emotions being brought back to the surface after and only after op has thoroughly vetted her parents should she introduce her child this girl will be old enough to understand and she'll have to go through the emotional rollercoaster of meeting new grandparents and then probably grieving when the grandfather dies soon after only you can decide what to do i'm just popping in to remind you that you don't have to forgive them and that you don't owe them reconciliation if you want to reconnect then do so but it's important to remember you're not a bad person if you decide not to do so yes this so much o.p do not think of yourself as a bad person if you choose not to do this they tormented your life and you have every right to distance yourself from them but whether you like it or not they are still your parents i or anyone else can't know how bad they made it for you and uso those last few years honestly i don't think there is anything anyone here who can give you a definitive answer but as the top commenter said and i wanna say it again you are not a bad person if you chose not to go along their wishes they need to reconcile with you before you even consider letting them see your daughter and whether or not that's even possible is entirely up to you what you described them as is controlling manipulative and selfish until you have determined that is no longer the case i would keep your daughter far away from them i feel like they should never meet her daughter they literally did not want her to exist then when she was born they tried to consistently steal their own daughter's child for themselves i could never bring myself to do it if op can she is more forgiving and now for the update hey it's me i wanted to update you on what happened edit apparently i have to make this clear this is just an update post i have taken my decision my parents will not meet my daughter until she is older and wants to after some thought i decided to first meet my parents alone i wanted to make a decision based on their remorse and development as human beings and they sadly didn't really change when i agreed to meet i also told them it would be without my kid i don't know why but they thought they were going to meet her they had bought presents and all they were very disappointed to say it lightly when i showed up without her they made no deal to hide it but we talked they failed to take any real responsibility for their actions every apology began with we are sorry a few when confronted about the cps calls they say they were doing what was best for my daughter i got really mad but tried not to snap they brought up every mistake i did as a young mother and that they just thought i was far too young and irresponsible to have a kid that daughter only turned up good because of luck after they said that i laid down money for my meal stood up and said well nothing has changed you are still the heartless persons that threw me out years ago and made my life hell for five years you will never meet her she is happy and she has loving grandparents they started to freak out saying that i couldn't withhold their grandchild from them i just said that you lay in the bed you make i left and haven't talked to them since mails or letters from them are thrown out on the spot i will eventually explain to my daughter what happened to me and my parents and will give her the chance to meet them when she is older but for now i don't want to deal with their bs edit guys thank for your concerns but i am not in the u.s grandparents rights are not a thing where i come from edit too i think some of you are confused i am not asking about advice of whether or not i should give in to my parents request that's what my last post was about it's not unwillingness to reflect it's a set decision also yes my daughter is in therapy due to her being traumatized by all that lovely cps visit that were caused by my parents so i in fact know my child is happy and healthy mentally as well as physically now for the top comments the dying relative gambit is an extremely popular way to try and force contact i had an aunt who was dying for 10 years people kept saying i had to get in touch before the end i didn't she's still alive i am very sorry you made this brave attempt to give them another chance and they spat on it your heart was more open than mine is these people hurt you worse than anyone else in the world could and they don't regret a goddamn thing screw um i am impressed that you were defensive enough to protect your child through all this they clearly expected things to go down differently my husband said something that resonated with me just because you are dying doesn't mean you deserve forgiveness if you don't have enough middle fingers i'll lend you mine thank you the help is appreciated boundaries are the foundation for a healthy life this protect your kid and break that crappy cycle of conditional love now for the next story am i the a-hole for not wanting my parents to be a part of my daughter's life when i was 18 my parents kicked me out of the house after i got my girlfriend pregnant to them it was shameful and they completely cut me out of their lives and my family's money my girlfriend and i managed on our own after my son was born but it was a struggle for years we were living paycheck to paycheck and constantly stressed about money my girlfriend's parents helped out when they could and were the best grandparents to our son by some miracle we managed to graduate from college even with work and raising a child now we're both 32 been married six years living in our own home with our 13 year old son and our four-month-old daughter i haven't seen or spoken to anyone in my family except my cousins in years two weeks ago my mom sent me a friend request on facebook and also messaged me she sent this long message about how she's wanted to talk for a while now and she apologized for the way they treated me she and my dad were hoping we can make amends because they really want to meet my new daughter and get the chance to be grandparents she didn't mention my son at all ask how old he is how he's doing or express any interest whatsoever and also wanting to see him not just my daughter i messaged her back and vented about all the hardship and obstacles my girlfriend and i had to deal with to get to where we are and how hard it was that i didn't have my parents emotional support through what was the most difficult time of my life sure their money would have made things a hell of a lot easier but i get that money shouldn't be handed to us but i feel the least they could have done was be there for me instead of erasing me from their lives i said they don't get to walk back into our lives and i don't want to hear from her again i blocked her after that a few days ago one of my cousins mentioned my parents and said they're telling everyone i'm refusing to let them eat their granddaughter my cousin knows about everything but he thought it was still petty to be that way when they clearly regret what they didn't want to be in my life now and i can't allow a grudge to prevent them from being grandparents my wife and i talked this over and she feels the same way i do but will support it if i want them around it really feels like they only care now because we're older and the hard part is over and honestly my parents have always been extremely judgmental over everything they're also very snobby and i'm not 100 sure if that's what i want my kids growing up with my cousin keeps saying i'm in the wrong here and it's hurting my parents that they'll miss out on my daughter's first year of life by not being around i'm just a little lost and i don't know if i really am being the bad guy or not am i the a-hole now for the top comments not the a-hole they made their feelings known 13 years ago it's a total a-hole move to ask about one child and ignore the other if you are so inclined consider meeting with your parents in a public place without kids if they are serious about reconnecting and making amends they can start with just you and your wife if that goes well over time consider allowing them limited access to kids make it perfectly clear that it's a package deal either they treat both kids the same or they see neither child you're probably better off without them in your life correct answer right here they have to demonstrate their worth as parents before they earn the privilege of being grandparents not the a-hole why now why only your daughter i get that people can grow but in that growth are they planning to pretend your son is still a shameful secret family is more than blood they are the people who stand by you with you and behind you in good and bad times the fact that your mom immediately went with woe is me i'm the victim they won't let me etc etc to everyone says a lot to me she isn't even planning to put in some work to try and heal the rift that she allowed to grow in case it's unclear i support your decision 100 yeah op's parents sound like they subscribe to the legitimate slash illegitimate school of thinking i think it would be hurtful to your son if they treat him like a mistake and your daughter like a blessing if they were my parents i would be very hesitant to let them in my life especially after not acknowledging the sun upon initial contact not the a-hole not the a-hole 1. why is your cousin so invested why would he side with your parents after 14 years where were all these family members 14 years ago when your parents kicked you out if they weren't there for you back then you can be sure they're not thinking about your best interests now 2. you don't owe your parents anything with regard to your children especially after your mother made it perfectly clear she's not interested in your older son you don't get to pick and choose at your convenience which grandchildren you want to see 3. antenny up why are they even trying to contact you while people can and do have a change of heart people especially parents who kick out their own children usually have other motives to reach out after years of silence there is a huge difference between making you take responsibility for your choices and cutting off contact for 14 years be on the lookout something is up since it's reddit in the sub money or an organ are usually the top reasons family comes out of the woodwork out of the blue even if it's not one of those there is a selfish reason buried just below the surface you can count on that they haven't even apologized not sincerely whatever your mother is thinking it's still all about her he was mostly neutral but i guess because he spends more time with that side of the family he's hearing more from their point of view everyone else in my family minimized contact with me and after my son was born they went full no contact you know my wife actually brought up what you mentioned in three a while back one of my other cousins was talking about some major family drama that was going on there was a rumor that my great-grandma was making some changes to her will and many of my relatives were not happy about it including my parents i never asked for the full details though but my wife suggested maybe it could be related i highly doubt it though now for the last story my dad was more interested in bonding with his step-granddaughter than my son but now that he knows who his dad is he suddenly wants to be more involved my dad remarried when i was eight a few years after my mum passed away i thought we were close and i had a decent relationship with my stepmom 55 and stepsister 27 until this all went down my stepsister and her husband have a three-year-old daughter when our parents found out she was expecting they went all out they let them move in with them payton did everything to set up a nursery hosted a baby shower etc when they found out i was pregnant my dad was incredibly cold and barely asked me about my health or the baby meanwhile he was all over his step-granddaughter the only nice thing they did for me was send me the baby blanket my mom embroidered for me when my son was born they only came to see him after a whole month and barely tried to visit after that and would make excuses when i tried to visit them i got pregnant from a one-night stand during an event i went to with my best friend i had no idea who the dad was aside from a first name when my family shunned me i became obsessed with figuring out who the dad was it took a lot of internet stalking and a whole month before i finally found his contact info by this time i was already five months pregnant he was shocked when he found out but insisted he wanted to be a part of his child's life we started dating slash living together full-time when our son was nine months i've withdrawn a lot from my family and so i never introduced them to my boyfriend however my grandmother has met him and insisted i include him during our video chats a month ago my dad was over at hers whilst she was video chatting me she wanted to see our son who was playing with his dad so i asked him to bring him over my dad saw him and started asking questions who he was what his job was how long we've been together etc i tried to be vague but i'm assuming my grandmother told him everything because he started asking me why i never told him i knew who the father was and why i never introduced him to him i told him i didn't think he would care ever since he's been asking nonstop to come see my son my stepmother and stepsister have all asked to come over too my stepsister sent me a long message about how she hopes our children will be as close as us and we should set up play dates i really don't know what to do now on one hand i want my son to know his family but i'm also very bitter that they only want to know him now that they know who his dad is i really don't know what to do now so any advice on how to proceed would be helpful now for the top advice if your dad treated you poorly before he knew who your son's father was then he doesn't deserve to suddenly become super involved i had an issue with my mother only wanting to be there for me when she found out that i got money from my father so be skeptical and cautious with your family they're most likely hoping to take advantage they really need to explain and apologize at the very least this and possibly they looked down on her for an offshoot of traditional views now that the baby has a father they could be feeling better because in their eyes the daughter looks better by having that family image they have made it clear that they don't offer unconditional love what they are offering your son is the same kind of love they have shown to you it's not irrational or bitter to be a bit cautious about letting them get close to your son so he's attached to them only to one day turn around and treat him the way they treated you concentrate on providing a good life for your child it's fine for him to meet that side of his family when you are ready but don't buy into this sudden forced closeness thing see what is really on offer for what it is a bit of camaraderie and shared experiences not deep loyalty they have shown you what kind of people they are and no amount of apologizing or hearing how you feel can change that this is it you showed me that your love for me is conditional and that's not the type of environment i want my son to have sounds like they owe you an apology [Music] and that's it for this video guys if you have thoughts to share leave a comment below don't forget to hit like and subscribe if you like this content i'll catch you in the next one good day everyone

Channel: RedditOutLoud Relationships

Views: 224,663

Rating: 4.9094062 out of 5

Keywords: bf, aita, r/aita, relationship advice, reddit stories, update, bridezilla, entitled people, cheating, girlfriend, wife, husband, divorce, parenting, relationship, advice, mother in law, relationship stories, dna results, not the father, parental, reddit update, reddit relationship advice, reddit relationship, reddit cheating, aita update, family drama, open marriage, Curious Redd, open relationship, x bf, caught, stories, cheat, x gf, reddit, askreddit, RedditOutLoud, surviving, infidelity

Id: al7WcAo6l3s

Length: 19min 2sec (1142 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 11 2020