Unlocking The Layers Of Confidence And Build Your Self Acceptance Feat. Matthew Hussey

so hey guys are you frustrated with where you're at right now maybe stunted in your progress well if you are I want to recommend a place for you to go called growth day growth day.com Ed it is the number one personal development app on the planet it's got all kinds of high performance techniques in there courses accountability journaling live speeches from some of the top influencers in the world including me it's an overall environment to change your life growth.com sled in order to make these choices requires coming from a place of confidence in my opinion and you talk about three levels of confidence this is awesome stuff right here so could you give them the gift of that yeah I always think that confidence is this sort of oversimplified umbrella word for all sorts of different things that don't necessarily have a lot to do with each other to me I I needed a kind of unifying model for confidence I'm a hyper rational person if someone's speaking and the the thing that they say about self-worth contradicts the thing they said three sentences ago I'm like I you've lost me I looked at I I I developed a model for confidence that that said okay there's the surface level which is level one and and that's how we portray ourselves and how we're perceived based on the way we walk talk and act hours and hours of content on that alone but we all know what we're talking about when we say someone looks confident on the surface yes then there's the identity level of confidence okay and this we might think of as the legs under the table that underpins the confidence so that the moment it's tested it doesn't just fall apart and and that's you know there are plenty of people that have bravado that the moment it's tested it disintegrates you know you have a someone has a hard conversation with you and all of a sudden yeah you it goes goes apart falls apart the identity level is I like I like to think of the identity level as everything that we use as a source of confidence in our lives and they can be many it can be the skills we have it can be the life we've set up for ourselves it could be the relationships that we have it could be the family support system we have the contacts that we have for some people it might be the fact that they feel like they're well traveled yeah uh or that they have they know three languages or they can play an instrument or or they're a very good ation alist we all have these things that create what I call identity confidence and I think of that as a kind of Matrix with a bunch of squares in it like a tic TCT toe box and inside are all these different things that give you confidence and no one's Matrix looks uniform where all the squares are the same in reality what happens is we come to identify and some would say over identify with certain aspects of our life that give us confidence you know why is it that in a recession someone who wasn't going to starve decides that they they need to end it all why why it's because it's not because they lost all their money it's because they lost their identity wow yes and the same can be true of a relationship you know we someone comes out of a marriage well maybe they fought so hard for that marriage for so many years that they lost themselves they lost all the things that made them them all the things they enjoyed doing all of the Hobbies the friendships the close relationships and they just poured thems into this marriage and then when divorce happens that was the giant square of their Matrix and anything else in their life had been reduced to these tiny little squares around it and so when they lose this Square it's not that you lost a marriage it's that you lost your identity it's not the death of a part of your life it feels like the death of your soul and so in that moment people feel like I I can't survive when when we lose our identity in that way it's terrifying for us you can get the same thing with a bodybuilder who gets injured and all of a sudden they can't train and that they be they' made that 90% of their Matrix was their ability to Define and sculpt their body and now life doesn't can't be about that because they're injured so all of a sudden life has to become about something else so that's the identity level that's level too and what I always say to people on that level is you you have to look at the way your Matrix is engineered right now and say Where am I exposed because the and if you want to know where you're exposed ask yourself what area of my life if I lost it has the potential to destroy my confidence wow and that will allow you to go where do I need to diversify where I get my confidence from and and you know of course the the areas where we identify with the most they tend to be the things that we use for validation or the things that we think are the most important in life and I always say our validations become our mutations you know if you if you get really good in business and you keep making more money and making more money and making more money and everyone rewards you for that it's really easy to let everything else fall by the wayside but now you've got you know a parent who spends no time with their kids because it's like this is the big part of my Matrix that I need to keep feeding and it's scary to to diversify mhm when you diversify you going you go back to being a toddler in a new area until it becomes a source of confidence you know you could have someone who's incredibly you know their sarcasm which they call their wit may be a huge part of their Matrix if you say to someone hey look this sarcasm is getting in the way of your relationships because there's a time when sincerity is called for and people are not going deep with you because you have you throw too many Barbed comments in in a conversation and no one feels like they really get to connect with you it would really behoove you to start having more sincere conversations well you have a problem here this person has been using this sarcasm probably their whole life yeah and if they're going to suddenly switch to a different style of speaking to people or conversation well that that was working for them in many ways it was a you know it made them feel witty it gave them p in conversations it made them feel like they knew how to handle difficult people it made them know how to break a silence if you take all of that away they're back to being a toddler in conversation who doesn't know how to walk yet and that's okay but we're we we are we hate having to go back to suck at something you're right and that inability to go back and and be bad at something so that we can actually build it as another source of confidence and diversify it is crucial so all of that is happening at the identity level but people in there will be no shortage of people in mindfulness circles who will say all identification is the problem like that identity level right there is the problem in itself is that we identify I identify as being great in business I identify as uh being someone who is a uh uh you know always there for people I pro athlete yeah this identification is the source of your unhappiness and you have to stop identifying and create space between the the your Consciousness and the identification that have become one I I think that's I I'm I'm a big fan of all of that material but I also know that every day we are facing out to meet the world and we have to decide how to spend our time and if you can spend your time and allocate your energy in ways that diversify your confidence on the identity level it still makes sense to you just have to know that anything on the identity level will still leave you vulnerable ultimately cuz friends can leave relationships can end your health can go away you can get injured your business can go under anything can happen at any point that will rock you in that moment having diverse sources of confidence can help you manage those moments where you get rocked but you can get rocked on that level all the same and God forbid four or five big areas for you go down at the same time now you've you've got a conf crisis and that has to be solved at the deepest level of confidence which is level three and that's core confidence and core confidence is if if if surface level confidence is the relationship that is is the way that other people see you core confidence is the way you see yourself and this is the cliche about what I call Core confidence and the way other people talk about this kind of depth of confidence the cliche is that you you have to learn how to love yourself and that sentence there I think is the beginning of all sorts of trouble and inadequacy that people get themselves into I think that this concept of self-love that we have you say it needs a rebranding it needs a huge rebranding in what sense by the way can I just interject one thing um what you're doing here is Magic and profound what you just did on these three levels of confidence that's Cutting Edge work right there there thank you it's outstanding work like stamp of approval awesome as is this next thing you're going to talk about which this by the way this core confidence is huge but also this idea that self- Lov needs a rebranding told you I read every word of the book so let's talk a little bit honored I'm honored that you spent the time I I I know this area intimately because I struggled with it for so much of my life okay this idea of loving yourself it's become a kind of bumper sticker Instagram meme yes and I don't think I think so much of the advice out there is so unhelpful and that's not Me Knocking the people giving the advice I just think that again I'm a hyper rational person I something needs to be bulletproof in its logic y for me to be able to take it on board and whenever I would hear about self-love I would go well why okay then why should you love yourself and people would come up with answers like well because you're you're you know kind and because you're loving and because you're you know an amazing human being and because you're always there for people and because you work so hard and and and to me that would always in a way keep taking it back up to the identity level true because it was like you what you're listing about if I if you're giving those as reasons I should love myself it's like you're listing all these traits you're right like I'm a top trump card I don't know if you have a version of that in America top like like I'm a card that like these are all the attributes and because I score kindness at a 9 out of 10 that's why I should love myself and and I and then I was like but then what about days where I'm not kind what about days where I'm selfish what about times in my life where I screw up what about times where I don't work hard where I feel lazy what are you saying I'm not lovable on those days but I'm lovable on the others and then people would go no no no no no no it's not like that it's and I go well then why should I love if it's not based on those things and those things are really just another version of I love you because you get straight A's that's right I was literally just going to say that if you bring home the report card we love you exct I was literally just going to say that so I was like how do we get out of this system we have for ourselves and and by the way the way they're saying it is also a reflection of what they're doing to themselves and the way they're judging themselves so how do we get out of this report card system and by the way those things might be why you're proud of yourself yeah but but if you're talking about a bulletproof recipe for self love then you can't be talking about attributes that I have on my best day and not my worst day CU then you're saying I'm not lovable half the time or I'm not lovable the times when I I do wrong and by the way the time I'm in need of self Lov the most is on those days when I'm doing everything wrong and when I've screwed up and when I feel shame and I'm judging myself and hating myself because I've hurt someone or because I've made a mistake that's hurt me because I've done things in my life that I'm like oh I I really damaged my life with that mistake oh I've really hurt myself with that mistake I can never go back from that and I've spent years beating myself up about mistakes so I went I need a I need a better recipe for self- Lov than this and I had to start looking for other models okay now if you look to the Romantic model for love that doesn't work for self-love the Romantic model for love is you know you fall for someone right and Esther Pell puts it beautifully in her work you know the difference between love and desire that that love is the coming together of two people but desire that thing that makes you want to fall in love with someone that exists in the space between two people you need space for there to be desire love wants to bring you together space needs room to breathe right so and the by the way the the inverse of that is the saying familiarity breeds contempt so if you look at the relationship with yourself the one where you spent every waking moment of that in in that relationship your entire life and since the day you were born you've been with yourself what relationship are you more familiar with than that there is no room for Desire with yourself so the Romantic model doesn't work the Romantic model doesn't work and that's why we have I believe that's why we have so much contemp for ourselves because Who Are we more familiar with very good so I said okay the Romantic we're not narcissists we can't look in a pool of water and instantly just fall in love with ourselves right that's what happened with narcissists in Greek mythology for us we're like we look in the mirror every day and we're like I hate myself I can't get myself to love myself what are you talking about I I barely like myself let alone love myself so okay romantic model doesn't work what could work or what what if we could look at other places in life where there was a different kind of model for love what would it be I started looking at the parent child relationship and saying if you ask a parent why they love their child how many maybe some would but how many parents as a percentage would start reeling off qualities of their kid if you said why why do you love your kid how many of them would go well because they get straight A's and because they're kind and because they're loving and because they if you ask most parents why you love your kid they go because it's my kid mhm what do you they give you like almost a strange expression it's unconditional right there's no condition to their performance on straight A they're mine what do you mean it's my kid okay that for me held a clue what's the clue that there are people in this life that we love for no other reason than their ours I feel the same way about my brothers on the worst days you ask me why I love my brothers I'm like cuz they're my brothers now not everyone feels like that about sibling but but it's common in the parent child relationship you can find it in other places too you can find it in the child and the stuffed toy relationship tell a child to get rid of the stuffed toy because you've got a better looking one yeah I've got one that hasn't got fluff coming out the seems that child will be like what are you talking about that's my rabbit it's true sounds crazy but I'm thinking of my dogs I know that sounds crazy no the dog is the perfect example if you can walk down the street and see someone walking the ugliest scragg mest dog and try walking up to that dog owner and saying I've got a more stately ifap like what are you talking about this is my dog so so now imagine something this is the part that changed my life what if when someone said to us what if someone said to you Ed why do you love yourself and instead of going to any of those traits or things you do on your best days or things you make think make you unique or special or all of that CU all of that is just another way to judge yourself when you find someone who's better you're right what if instead someone said Ed why do you love yourself and you said what do you mean cuz I'm mine I'm mine I I'm my human think of it this way out of 8 billion people on this Earth you're the only person that's there to truly take care of this human there's no one else we I think of it like our parents whether they did a good job or not is irrelevant they just had the responsibility for keeping us alive until a point where it was like over to you this is your job your your job is to take care of this one human and I I sometimes think of it like The Lion King when Simba leaves the pride I think of it like he left himself like he the pride is him it's his job to look after the pride the the pride is you you're you're the one human that you have been given to take care of nothing else is certain you just the one thing you must do in this life is take care of this one human that you've had since the beginning and and anytime I'm being horrible to myself beating myself up anytime I'm telling myself I'm not good enough I go what Matt what's wrong with you you had one job you had one job take care of this human and by the way in the through that lens comparing our ourselves in because this is what makes us not like ourselves is comparison I'm comparing myself to this person this person this person they've got more than me they're better looking than me they're more intelligent than me they're whatever comparison makes no sense through that lens because you realize it's irrelevant I can't exchange my human yes right you're right I can't swap my human out for another human I got given a human it's me right my only job is how happy can I make this human and if I was treating it like that like it was my job it's not I don't have to love myself as a noun I have to love myself as a verb it's my job to love this human that changes everything because here's the big part that that I think would help a lot of people is help me when you look at it through that lens you don't even have to like yourself To Love Yourself MH you might not like yourself today and that's okay you might be frustrated with yourself you might have a lot of mistakes and things that are hurting you or things you wish you'd done differently you might not like the way you're living right now whatever you might not like yourself but you can still love yourself and you can the liking part can come later oh brother brother whoa I introduced you today by saying I'm really proud of your Evolution bro you're on a profound magic streak with your work right now listen to me this is everyone you rewind the last 15 minutes this interview the last two things we've covered are you kidding me has there ever been bro I that's some of the best stuff I've ever heard and you made one distinction there because the self- Lov thing the other way for me I have a hard time with is when someone's not I just love myself the way I am and you know that they're capable of being healthier or not you know someone's shooting heroin and I've always thought like yeah I love myself to I am but what you've just made a distinction on there so profound is you can love yourself and not like yourself and that not like yourself part is the part of you that can create change that can say look I don't I love myself but I don't like the way that I my nutrition is or I don't like the way that I uh am treating myself so there's that distinction because that other the other side of the self- Lov thing that I think is negative is like it's just accept everything you do and you're but you made the distinction between love and like and that is a huge distinction you must always love yourself because you're your only human bro I'm going to repeat this like a hundred times the next two days what you just said to people that is some of the best stuff I have ever heard come out of someone's mouth about life and and confidence and loving oneself like the best thank you so good that difference I think is so crucial because it it also makes a distinction between when when you really love yourself it starts from a place of total acceptance and accept again acceptance isn't I like everything about myself acceptance is just I'm I'm making peace with my starting point oh it's so good and and that that changes everything because there's a big difference between self-acceptance and self-esteem self-esteem is built by what we do self-esteem is built by sticking to your promises and all of the things that you talk about all the time that that build that that that pride and that that knowledge that you can make things happen that you need reference points for and when you do hard things you build reference points and that builds that self-esteem but self-acceptance on this level is about making peace with where you're starting from and that is one of the most beautiful things you can ever do for yourself it and by the way all self-esteem I believe starts from that ultimate acceptance of what our starting point is because if you don't accept your true starting point and if you're lying about your true starting point you won't even feel good when you do things that should give you self-esteem like if if here's a here's a fun example if I had let's say I'm 100 Grand in debt but I've told the world that I have 100 Grand in the bank everyone my friends and family they all think I have 100 Grand in the bank but really I have 100 Grand of credit card debt now if I do something wonderful I every day I wake up and I work and I save I invest and I am sensible with my money and I I start paying it off and let's say I pay off 20% of it I'm now down to 80 grand in debt that's amazing you paid off a fifth of your debt it's amazing that should be celebrated yes but you can't celebrate it because everyone thinks you have 100 Grand in the bank and so something that actually should have given you a true milestone in your self-esteem you weren't honest about where you really starting from no and so no one can celebrate you no one can support you you feel alone in it and you feel like I you don't feel like you made any progress you all you feel is I'm still 80 grand in debt and everyone thinks I have 100 Grand in the bank and that happens by the way at at the end of so many marriages where someone is getting divorced and the world has felt like that was a great marriage from the outside and you've been talking about it as if everything is fine because you've been afraid to talk about just how bad it's been MH and just how unhappy you've been or your partner's been or just how in some cases abusive that relationship has been and now you find yourself on the brink of divorce again it's that I'm I'm losing my identity here because everyone on the identity level everyone has thought that I'm in this happy marriage but the when I work with people the moment they can accept what their true starting point is which is that I haven't had the marriage I I've been telling people I had for the last 10 years I am have not been happy this has been crushing my soul on my confidence I am starting again in this area of my life maybe in some ways I'm starting again financially because this divorce is going to devastate me financially maybe I'm going to have to truly like I'm going to have to go and get a job I never thought I'd have to go and get I'm going to have to Fem for myself again and wait I'm going to have to move out of this house and into an apartment I'm going to like all of these things that that have to happen you have to strip back all of the layers of what everyone thinks I am and just say this is my actual starting point today and people are so afraid to do that and I understand because we're terrified of the loss of ego and the reputation and what would happen if people did realize I wasn't where I thought I was and this identity I've constructed for myself but if you can start from that place of total acceptance and almost imagine like okay let's just play it an experiment for a moment imagine I just got given this human today and this human starting point was like a video game this human starting point is they're starting at newly single again at 50 they are financially they they have this much in the bank they have to go and you know get themselves back on their feet left if you saw that as like a video game and you just got given this human starting today to play this game you'd be excited you'd be like what a fun thing to get to do but it's all that baggage and that identity that makes it all seem like it's the end of the world and the beautiful thing is when you take even the tiniest step forward from that place but now the world now you're honest with the world and yourself most importantly when you take a tiny step forward you it's it may to your previous self who was putting on the mask of where you were it may have been nothing but to you now from an honest starting point it's a miracle and it is a sign that you're growing and moving and that life is changing and that you that the confidence that comes from that is real wow and it's yours the gains are yours at that point okay unbelievable I'm just sitting here brother like so like you when I hear something I put it through my stress test or litmus test of validity right so as you're talking let me tell you what I was thinking of I want to unpack a little bit of that and then this has been so good like I I have a hundred more questions I'm going to get to one more which frustrates me but so my dad you know profound thing in my life is my dad getting sober and I was thinking about what would have had what happened when my dad got sober three elements took place number one my dad had to actually love himself enough at that point to have to accept where he really was so what you just said a minute ago is so profound you have to have self-acceptance right so my dad had to love himself enough to accept I can't control this anymore I'm an alcoholic my life is out of control simultaneously he did not like the way he was behaving or like himself so there is a massive distinction between those things in fact that not liking it is one of the things that caused him to do it but here's how profound it is once he got sober to your point and admitted what his real starting point was then the smallest tiniest step was huge that first day of being sober was a big deal 30 days you get a chip in the AA program just 30 days of not drinking there's millions of people who go 30 days without drinking but to my dad that was massive even though for most people that's a small step but it started with loving himself to accept where he was and acknowledge that as the starting point that's only when you can create change he didn't like himself at that time in fact he didn't like himself at all but that is the recipe in the formula bro what you're working on right here is Cutting Edge huge stuff for people to understand like everyone I don't you know I always tell you share you need to share this episode with anybody who wants to build some baseline confidence create some level of change and have these relationships with other people and themselves and obviously with life so good Matthew thank you um and and and just to add one more thing there when when we do that over time I I almost would encourage people to to look at it the same way we look at parenting which is that so many of the rewards come later that you know when I talk to parents and maybe this is true for you Ed they talk about so many of the rewards being when they've grown up it's true and then you get the reward for all of that love that you gave these people that they may not have appreciated at the time or they may not have really seen for what it was at the time or how much you were doing for them but it comes later and if if we're starting again with ourselves today you can see yourself like a teenager who might not appreciate it right now you know but but sooner or later you'll the the like will catch up to the love wow um brother unbelievable I got to tell you unbelievable so hey guys as you know I've partnered up with my good friend Bren and brard who's created the greatest personal development system that has ever been designed called growth day there's everything from journaling to accountability programs live messages every Monday for myself and other influencers There's an opportunity for you to to get courses that would cost thousand of dollar completely for free it's incredible go to growth.com Ed and check it out one of the questions I get Ed from sometimes leaders who are a bit earlier in their career and they they're high potentials though you know they've you could tell they they're going to they're going to be something but for some reason they don't believe that yet they lack they either have some impostor syndrome a lack of confidence maybe it's through not having enough experience I'm not really sure I think this is hard but one of the skills if someone said Ed I am struggling developing confidence in my earlier part of my career I see you and you've you've you've done all this amazing stuff over the past couple of decades what are some ways that someone a bit earlier in their career could create and develop confidence for themselves great question I have a whole chapter two and I think three on confidence and identity which are different things so self-confidence is the process of keeping promises that you make to yourself so when I meet somebody that lacks self-confidence they've not built a reputation with themselves where they keep confidence that's one type of confidence now let's talk about the leadership part of it you've got to start to surround yourself with people that live at a higher um temperature setting your identity is like a thermostat sitting on the wall it sets the temperature of your life so if you're a 75 degre or of let's say leadership or wealth or Improvement when you begin to acquire the skills of 80 90 95 100 degrees and you're climbing the corporate ladder but you don't change your thermostat setting you will unconsciously find a way to cool things back down to what you believe you're worth and you deserve that's that impostor syndrome and so you got to work on your identity which is who you're surrounding yourself with at any given time the second thing is this this is huge when I was a young man I met a guy named Wayne Dyer famous personal development guy and he told me myet you're going to change the world Ed and I said what what he goes you're going to change the world and he said and not because you're a good teacher or you're smart or you got a great voice or whatever because that stuff's nothing he said you're a good man you intend to serve I have a whole chapter in this book brother on linking your confidence to your intention so most of you are well I don't know all the answers my favorite leader goes I don't know the answer to that but I'll get it for you my favorite leaders also say this is one of the things that lacks in politics in the United States in both parties hey I was wrong I made a mistake my intentions were good but I called the wrong shot here or I handled that wrong forgive me I'm going to get better next time that's how you endear yourself to people thinking you need to know think about this Henry Ford starts Ford Motor Company right he didn't know everything to start that company he didn't know everything to get into he didn't who's going to fix the cars how are they going to ship them where are they getting the tires think about what he didn't know there's no dealerships because there's no freaking cars Steve is one of my dearest friends he founded a company called Apple they were going to be a board company they had no idea there' be an iPhone or iPads you grow into these roles what you have to link your confidence to is your intent my intent is to serve my intentions are to serve people I'm a good man or a good woman and that goodness should Prevail remember this as a leader you're always making people feel something always so I have this in the book you got to take control of what they're feeling if you think they need to feel that you're an expert all the time and you have every answer all the time you do not understand leadership what they need to feel from you is that you love them care about them believe in them and can show them how to do a little bit better or will get them around someone or the answer for that love care believe and show them how to do a little bit better you do not have to have all the answers that's the impostor lie you don't have to know everything you have to intend to serve so even when we did the show today I've got a few more of these today I am totally present with you and totally confident that we're going to do a great job not because I have every answer because I don't but I intend to help you help these people listening today and so I show up pretty D confident that I know my intention is to do this and that's where my confidence comes from and then I've got a whole thing in there on Association and that thermostat setting that'll help you as well but that in and of itself is a huge breakthrough for a lot of leaders you WR on page 87 about your inner circle auditioning Your Inner Circle uh can you share how we talked a little bit prior to recording about John Gordon you know one of those guys who's become a good friend of yours who's been on on this show a few times um the I remember John Calipari when he came on the show the coach at Kentucky talked about uh you got to have your kitchen cabinet and had the importance of that kitchen cabinet which is this is similar right you're Your Inner Circle what does it mean to you to to audition Your Inner Circle and share the importance of those those select few people the people that I surround myself with live at a higher thermostat setting to go back to that analogy in the area I need help in so like John Gordon for example was faith for me believe it or not not business I'm done my thermostat setting in business is real high so for me I I've got Phil Knight in that Circle right I've got some you know really significant business people in that Circle in my faith Circle I want to add men that are in the business world who live at a high 150 degree because I believe through proximity they heat me up from 75 to somewhere to where they are I know this is true for example Fitness if you're around someone who's super fit every single day and you're not you can't help but eventually eat a little differently think a little bit differently train a little bit differently so when I'm interviewing someone for my inner circle they don't have to have all of life figured out they have to have the area that I need need them in figured out it could be in marriage right you're in the corporate world there's all this maybe there's travel there's temp I just had Jeff Foxworthy the comedian on my show be like why' you have Jeff on he's hilarious that's not what I had him on Jeff has this thing where he says hey man when I traveled for the last 30 years of my life he goes I know me man he goes I've never cheated on my wife but I like ladies and the reason I've never cheated on my wife is I put myself in situations man where I can't so on the road I don't go out I get room service because I don't want to be he goes I'm fine in her bar but I have a drink I'm all right I have two I don't know three who knows so I don't put myself in those situations Jeff's in that Circle for me on marriage right I got other ones in my financial I got other ones my fitness I just had Phil Heath seven time Mr Olympia on my show he's in my fitness Circle so I want people that live people don't have to be perfect they have to be great in the area you want growth in and so John Gordon is in that Faith area for me where traveled with John we gone to UFC fights we've done different things the conversations with my circle in John's group when you're in Las Vegas at a UFC fight I promise you are very different than what most men are doing in Las Vegas when they go and that's why that's so powerful for me so I'm for the real Goods how about the um you know the old quote how to how to get a great wife deserve one how to get a great friend deserve one so what role do you cuz I'm sure tons of people want you in their Inner Circle what role do you think you play for those whose inner circles you're in that's a good question you probably would have to ask them that I'd like to think that I show up in a lot of those circles though I hope I show up in the father Circle The Business Circle the Integrity Circle the faith one um I think that what I bring to most people is that and I learned this from my dad my dad would I don't don't have I've made lot you know hundreds of millions of dollars on very limited skills brother but the ones that I have see the key to success in the corporate world or in any world is truly identifying your own gifts and using them to serve others but here's the thing that leaders don't get you got to identify other people's gifts you got to get great at going wow this is what you're great at and then link it to the task you want them to do because the two or three things someone's great at they know they are and when you can say hey I see this in you and then link it to what you want them to do now you're leading them hey man you care so much or man your math skills or your problem solving or your intensity or your work ethic they go you know what I do have crazy workout that's why you're going to Prevail in this company and you link it to what you want them to do identify the gifts my gifts are really simple man I got two or three my main gift though is my ability to read people and be present with them where'd that come from when I was five my drunk dad would come through the front door I had three little sisters and a mom a 5-year-old little boy I'd have to read this man which dad's coming home is it drunk dad and I'd read his physiology and how he would talk is his tie loose is his hair messed up is he slurring how's he walking and this little boy at 5 years old I'm studying this man and I go hit drunk dad my sisters need to go upstairs mom should go take a shower and then I'm going to talk to Dad and change his state which is my second gift my ability to communicate if it was sober Dad we go in the backyard and shoot some hoops so this skill this adversity I went through gave me this main skill in my life that in business it's my ability to to read people identify their giftedness and communicate with them in such a way I'm really limited other than that I have two or three other things I'm pretty good at I'm an intense dude I'm a competitive dude I care but I've taken my gifts that God gave me or that the world developed in me or both and leveraged them and you got to get good at this in leading people their giftedness and don't make it generic ah you're a superstar man you're a rock star no no no no what exactly is my gift two or three of them link it to my career link it to what you want me to do and now you're leading me like almost no one else and last thing I'll say when you truly identify someone's gifts that work with you you're on a list of less than three or four people in their entire life who have ever told them that maybe the only one you become someone they Revere forever when you point out the greatness in them yeah I have this mindset of like a talent scout and have always be looking out for it and making sure that they know it I mean the two people that come to mind immediately High School football coaches Bob Greg and Ron Oliver because they made me believe before I believed and I'll never ever ever forget that feeling of and then you kind of become something and it and I I always point back to them and like now I see the power that we can we can do that for other people we should really be intentional about that I think that is a really powerful way to go about well you just worded it brother most people would say it was a coach or a teacher or a parent in the power of one more here I am shamelessly promoting and here's the reason that I'm promoting this I want you to get the book but I say about leaders man there's three chapters on leadership there's four types of people in life one they're not motivated at all that's the masses then there's motivated people or motivating leaders they get you to do things based on motive which is good do this you get a bonus do this you get the card do this you get the award powerful way to lead people low level but it works third is inspirational you move people the root of inspiration is to be in spirit to move people with energy to move them in a way that's higher than just motives and that's a great way to lead very few leaders get there the fourth level is rarified air and that's to be aspirational where people aspire to be like you right most great leadership things are caught not taught they watch it in you and they see it this is true for me as a dad as well your coaches were to the point where you wanted to prove them right you wanted to be more like them you wanted to live up to the belief they had in you they were aspirational leaders and that's the difference between greats and the pretty good ones I would think that when people look at you you come from a successful family you're my dear friends I'm allowed to say this you're beautiful articulate successful person um I would think self-confidence was really something you had is that something you've struggled with or had to work on yourself in your life yeah I think anybody I try to say to my kids self-confident you have to earn self-confidence you have to earn self-esteem nobody just bestows it on you and says here it is you know take it and go um I think particularly if you are in a family where people are excelling at the level they were excelling in my family was pretty big you know excelling so I was people pretty much everybody in my house and in my um cousins era they were everybody was running for president so you know it like you know that's how people were excelling so I think you you have to um and I would adjust that to maybe everybody in your family is a doctor or preacher or you know a pastor whatever it is um a real estate person everybody I think has to find their own self-confidence and earn it and I was an only girl I have four brothers and I was raised in a very um testosterone at Arena yeah and um I I knew that if I wanted to get my parents' attention if I wanted to single myself out in this larger clan that I was in I was going to have to find my own thing I was going to have to work my ass off and I was going to have to develop my own self-confidence in who I was separate from being somebody's niece or daughter or cousin um and that was a really driving force in my life and um has been you know for pretty much all my life you know that I would be my own person um my own name my own uh Journey yeah and um that took a lot for me to craft that out but with it came self-confidence yeah thank God you did that because I don't I don't know that if you don't I think you can't give somebody something that you're not experience it's pretty difficult to give you give the gift of that and thank God you developed that because you ended up creating a family that was very similar in the sense of achievement and public achievement and those things and I've met your children one of them Patrick I know far better than all the other ones but they all seem to have that same sense of contribution making their own way they've sort of modeled your Maria has this very beautiful Nuance of very strong but a kindness that comes with it simultaneously than I think that's reflected in your children too but they've all made their own way and are making their own way even though they come from a family that's achieving true you probably had to instill that in them well I I tried to talk to them about that I tried to acknowledge um that that was going to be challenging for them that they had a very famous last name they came from uh they had famous parents they came from kind of a long lineage and people would assume certain things about them and that I understood that that I had come from the same place that might be something their dad hadn't understood because I think it's very different when you're the one making the Legacy yeah verus the one inheriting it and having to uphold it and then trying to carve out your own version and so I grew up in a legacy I grew up with a family that said here look what we've done match it deal with it honor it take care of it uphold it what are you gonna do with it um and then I think Arnold built his his own legacy right and so our kids have had to deal with like okay here it is do you want to honor it do you want to uphold it do you want to have anything to do with it do you want to be free from it and so I've tried to have that conversation with them you don't have to have anything to do with this if you don't want to um you can go off and do whatever you want to do I think uh we were both very um United in saying to them you don't have to do what we're doing you don't have to do what your grandmother your grandfather did but you have to do something yeah you have to find some way to give back to the world you have to work you have to develop a work ethic you have to craft your own life design your own life but you don't have to carry uh what your dad's done what your mom has done what your grandmother your grandfather have done if you don't want to if you do great I think interrupt you Maria but I really think this is so important because the people that listen to The Show by and large are people that are breaking they're becoming the one in their family for the most part I call it the one where you do sort of change your family tree forever right you're an achiever and so most of you you know maybe you're not going to be the president or the governor but you're the Breakaway person in your family and then if you're going to be raising children in that environment this lesson's huge that these conversations have to happen I noticed with my son Max when he was younger I started to sense this pressure that I wasn't putting on him but our conditions put on him that he had to live up to what Dad did or if I have an average life it's going to be miserable because of what I came from and and I remember having these conversations with him very similar to what you've had so you parents that are listening to this that are the achiever in your family this is a really really big deal and if some of you don't know I mean you know Maria was was first lady of California when Arnold was the governor and then she's also a cand and a Sher and so there's a lot going on in that family and uh you know when you have uncles that are the president of the United States and you there's kind of a it's kind of a big version of what we're describing in our lives but I I just wanted to ask you that and on that it's like I'm gonna go to your books because I I just recommend everybody you should read these books many of them and by the way you should read her Sunday paper every Sunday that comes out it's awesome it's if you're a personal development person there's so much richness in this experience and Maria approaches it she said testosterone earlier she even reminds me sometimes dial that down a little bit you know that there's a there's a there's not a lot of I think often in self-help personal development I don't know what I would call it I I don't really believe in these things but sort of a feminine energy to the same topics that brings a nuance and a p and a perspective don't you agree that's different from someone else and you bring that well thank you and I think I I just wanted to pick up on your thing about you're speaking to quote the one uh people who are the one in the family who are breaking away uh the Achievers I think there's so many ways um that we don't talk about to quote break away or break a cycle and uh it doesn't always have to be in being the quote successful one there are so many different ways to break uh cycle of Silence that might exist in a family a cycle of shame that might exist in a family a cycle of um you know uh shame anger all of these things that exist in families there's a way to break those Cycles as well and be the one in that respect so the one isn't necessarily the one making all the money right it's the one who is following their path I think who has the courage and The Bravery to chart their own course and I think that's really you know when we talk about feminine strength I think for I grew up in a time my mother was certainly an incredibly strong woman started Special Olympics um was tough but she dressed like a man she only had male friends uh she went to work with a briefcase like a guy she was fighting all the time uh to be at that table she smoked cigars she only just kind of you know she was a force right and I came into journalism when there were no women in it right and women were coming in and you had to wear a power suit and you had to work twice as hard and if you had a baby you had to come back in a week and you had to do a lot of things that perhaps this generation doesn't have to do so I think what is the model of feminine uh all-encompassing feminine strength and I try to speak a lot to um the idea of holding these qualities of tenderness and toughness strength and sexy sexiness feminine beauty and vulnerability but also being aware that anger is in there strength is in there um intelligence is in there as is you know these other kind of more traditionally feminine qualities and I think that's the conversation when we think about um feminine power that I'd like to be uh having this generation and others to have so it's kind of being able to take care of yourself but also need someone else and lean on someone else and be able to celebrate your femininity and your sexuality but also hold your ground H and have boundaries and these are things you learned through life but that was not part of the conversation when I was in my 20s or 30s by the way I don't think first off everybody listen to this you need to go rewind that part back and send that to your favorite woman not listening to the show right now I I uh by the way I want to just say I don't think it's being said right now very much what you just said which is why you're so so important I I think people know you I I know the multiple sides of you like I think a lot of people are getting exposed to this side of you maybe on my show for the first time this yeah this this person who really reflects on life really cares about human beings and I think there's I don't know I think one thing we share in Comm is like we we we take our life seriously I don't take myself maybe sometimes I take myself to seriously but I do take this gift of being here pretty darn seriously like I I want to I always call it maxing out but I I want to contribute as much as I can I want to grow as much as I can I want to I want to pause as much as I can at this stage of my life too that's become much more important but one thing I did do because my dad was good at this my father could care less about material things achievement it was not even really discussed it was who are you going to be not what are you going to be and I that's something that my dad said over and over so I'm researching more about my friend here and I read this quote you said I've learned that asking ourselves not just what we want to be I'm like this my father said this to me but who do we want to be is important at every stage also of our lives and she has this book called just who will you be right but would you talk about that and this changes Maria wouldn't you agree at different stages of our lives but not enough people ask the question I think absolutely I think you know it's a good time to ask it coming out of this pandemic yeah we're all very different people than we were before this pandemic um how are we coming out how are we taking the gift of coming out and going out into the world what have we learned how have we changed how um what did we notice during that time right who checked in on us who did we check in on who turned out to be important uh what turned out to be important so I think it's you know I used to always say that uh I noticed growing up in a political family it was the only profession that penalized you if you changed your mind and still does by the way right it doesn't allow for you to have been affected by life to change your mind you're always oh you're a flip-flopper you're a changer and I don't want to you know to me what's really Troublesome somebody at 50 who's exactly the same as they were at 30 me too that's a problem because that means that for 20 years nothing made made you think nothing made you re-evaluate nothing impacted you how could that be how could that be right and so like in that last book I wrote I've been thinking I write a lot about all the things that I was wrong about that I've changed my ideas about um because life has happened to me right my parents are both dead I got separated after being with one person for 34 years my kids are grown up they've left their house I've achieved certain things in my journalism career that you know propelled me so I've got to be different at this age than I was in my 20s that was one of my questions Maria what is one thing you used to really believe about life that you no longer believe just one thing oh my God what I mean I used to think that um you know weakness was kindness I used to think that uh you know being uh gentle was a sign of weakness I used to believe um oh my God I have so many things I used to believe I used to believe you had to earn uh your way into your parents heart I really that I ear I really believed that if I did well in my professional career that my parents would love me and if I didn't do well they wouldn't I was wrong about so many things I believed that divorce was uh a huge sin I believed that I grew up as a Catholic you know I believed uh that you know priests were infallible I believed that uh women should be secondary citizens in the church um so today I'm angry at my church I believed that the Democratic party was the only way I resigned from the Democratic party I believed um you know I never believed I'd be sitting here single at my age I would have thought that that was like what's up with that girl that she's single at that age you know does she not have anybody who loves her what's wrong with her um so there's a lot of stuff yeah that I thought if I were that 30 something year old 35 40 year old girl looking at me that I would have made a judgment about so hey guys you know when I love technology and a great idea revolutionizes an old industry and by the way if there's an industry that needs a revolution I think you'd agree with me it's the healthcare industry it's not easy to find good doctors and by the way good doctors that are in your area that also take your insurance and that's why I love Zach do they are reol evolutionizing the healthcare industry and the way you get access to doctors Zach do by the way is zooc dooc here's who they are Zach do is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online tons of different reviews on the doctors and they're local to you you can find out if they take your insurance I just did it for a Terah had my shoulder one day later I'm in the doctor's office getting some help getting an order for an MRI so go to Zach do.com my let and download the Zach do app for free then find and book a top rated doctor today that's zo do.com myet zocdoc.com myet I think there's a way of like really feeling blessed and that you've got some gifts yourself and not letting it be like a big ego thing if you I had a friend of mine one time when I was really worrying a lot he goes man you got a huge ego and I went you no one thinks I have a huge that's not true at all he goes no no no you you're the center of the universe man and like your problems are way more important than everybody else's kind of to your point that you just said was he saying it in a derisive way he was saying it like wake up oh really you know like wake up like hey dude like yeah you're not that big of a deal and it's going to be okay and other people have way bigger problems than you do and like maybe start I have this phrase I use that I got from him he doesn't even he's just a friend he's like he goes uh whenever you feel helpless get helpful help some other people and I've like repeated that like hundreds of times people listen to my work they like no that's profound I'm like I got it from my buddy who told me I had a big ego it's a good one that's where it came from but it's really true but L can I ask you a question sure uh without a little bit of that ego MH do you think you would have been as successful as you are no meaning like cuz you have to depends on what you to Define as success would I have made the money I made and reached youve made the money and felt that you've achieve something which I think is very important I think it gives you I think achieve ment and success in like you know that you're helping other people and people are buying your books and people are listening to your show it's much easier to walk through the day and slap your hands and say it's going to be a great day yeah when you have some things under the belt yeah let me tell you what I did and and you kind of need like you do you got to have a lot of confidence a lot of belief and you got to be hungry and you have to think yeah I think confidence and ego are different and I'll tell you what happened to me when I was young since you asked everyone can listen in I met Wayne Dyer really young you remember Wayne Dyer he was a like a thought leader kind like a Tony Robbins guy back in the day okay maybe a little new Agy kind of back in the day but really profound guy yeah anyway I met him and we got to know one another very well became lifelong friends and he said Ed I think you're going to change the world you know and gave me all this belief uh and he goes do me a favor and like never attach all of your confidence to like your abilities mhm because you'll always be chasing that tail it'll never be enough you'll never be good enough and he goes attach your confidence to your intentions mhm meaning he goes Ed you're a real good man now God gave you some good voice and pretty good brain and you're a hard worker but attach your confidence to your intentions and so like even before I speak or even meeting you today or a business Mee I go into my my confidence booms but it's like I'm a good guy and I want to do well my intention even probably where you walk on stage like I don't know that you go I'm the funniest dude in the world but I bet you there's a party that's like I intend to make these people laugh yeah and you need to have a little bit of I'm the the funniest guy in the world cuz you need to you need to approach things like I can do this sure that's the thing it's not like I'm better than everybody but I can do this yeah I think that's me and also for me there's Faith involved so I'm like kind of whatever I'm good at came from God I've worked very hard at it yeah so but I think all my life like anybody I probably struggled with ego SLC confidence SL humility and where's that blend my favorite people yeah in my life Nuance humility and confidence they tow that line very well yeah CU my friends that are super confident with no humility they make you sick yeah and they wear you out and they eventually burn out or mess up yeah my friends with tons of humility yeah and no confidence they drain you yeah they're always down they're always complaining you're always picking them up so it's those people kind of that tow the line at least to me that seem to be the people I want around me yeah you got to harness it it's like you got to like if you want to if you want to be as good as you possibly can at whatever you do you got got to you got to believe in yourself yeah and that doesn't mean that you believe in yourself to the detriment of all everybody you run into you know what I mean yeah you know like just in the comedy clubs like there would be guys who would roll in and uh cut everybody else on the lineup you know be 10 comedians waiting to go on and they walk in like I'm the guy and then like cut everybody and like do an hour and then everybody's like it's with this guy and you know and some people would do it before they've earned it like some guys you're like no doubt you could do whatever you want to do we're all happy you're here and other guys like just got some success and they start throwing that weight around and you're like G that's that's gross and because they didn't have what you're saying like they they lost the humility part of it humility and some self-awareness don't you think too like just a little self-awareness Jay Leno on your show that I was just listening to on the 4th of July I didn't agree with the way he said it but I know what he meant on your show he goes I think the key to success is low self-esteem yeah and then I went that's totally backwards but then he kind of elaborated he goes meaning I don't always think I'm the funniest guy in the room I wanted the best lighting guy the best producer I surrounded myself with good people I think what he really meant is the key is humility yeah I which which is not low self-esteem but I thought it was a really good point it is a good it's all a balance isn't it because like when you say the low self-esteem thing like I've been doing this 30 years and I'm on tour now and I'm moving in I have a new act so I'm digging deeper and trying to come up with it and uh it's actually scary yeah I've been doing it 30 years I have a thousand people in the audience waiting with their tickets to see what's going to happen tonight like and but they don't know that I'm like yeah you know what I mean and so like I don't know if low self-esteem is the right word but it's nice to feel vulnerable it makes you it makes you stay uh working hard at at it you know I mean like if I if I just thought oh whatever I say is going to be great I probably would start to deteriorate I know exactly what you mean cuz I'm speaking and I just finished kind of a tour of my book and I had a talk that I became very comfortable with giving and it worked and everyone liked it or I think most people liked it and I don't want to keep doing it I want to do something new talk a little bit about preparation for you because everyone right now they've got an opportunity to be doing that how important is preparation to your self-confidence in your performance uh it's been one of the big uh kind of nuggets of of my career uh to be you know it's funny I played 25 years at uh 25 years of professional baseball it's hard to believe and I never played I had over 15,000 a bats in the major leagues and I never had one game that I did not do my pregame routine not one not one and on those days that there was games sometimes we play Extra Innings 15 16 Innings and the game ended at 2:30 in the morning and we had a day game at 1:00 in the hot summer or Texas or something and my routine wasn't you know 30 minutes it it may be three and a half minutes it was condensed uh it was concentrated but I never never would get and that's incredible that's one of the things that I'm most proud of people say oh well you know 696 home runs RBI runs scored to me that little data point that I told you is is what I'm most proud of because again I am process driven I am obsessed with the process doing things the right way working on your fundamentals and every day there's a way that you can get your fundamentals a little bit better you can get a little bit smarter and today in 2020 there's so much access I mean you don't have to go to a library and drive down to downtown to go to the library building now you can just go Google and YouTube and there's so much information that that that's what I get is I get my highs from yeah brother I the other thing that separated you and does to this day in business and can at everybody is most people their work ethic or Preparation level can be bought so with a certain amount of success they get a little loose you know exactly you played with guys like this right we know them in business little bit of success they get to a certain income level of it's business and there's it gets bought for really big- Time Players I think their preparation and focus level increases the more successful they become but I'm always fascinated because I wasn't kidding for me you're the greatest baseball player that I've ever seen and arguably and he'll just he'll probably make me edit this out but um he could potentially go down as the greatest player at two positions which no one else can claim shortstop and third base in the history of a sport to potentially be the greatest shortstop or third baseman or both is just it's unbelievable what you achieved especially if everybody knew where you came from which we don't have time to get into today what moved you more and does today the fear of failing or the desire to succeed Ed and win like really what moves you I'm curious like even to this day bro or is it different from when you were 25 years old I think what I'm scared about is is is going into something uh any project and not being prepared um I remember having nightmares that you know I would be uh playing in New York a day game of course my boss is George Stein Brunner but I always had this like fear that I would oversleep and miss miss the game and I've always wanted to be look if if I went to a college uh it certainly wouldn't have been Harvard or Yale right I'm I'm kind of the middle of the school guy um but again if if you have the heart and you have the passion and you have the will uh there is no limits of what we can do in this country there are no limits and I mean that and you know if you're working N9 to5 uh the guy that's working 9 to9 even though the 9 to5 may be higher RQ or anything like that the 9 to9 ultimately is going to have an advantage and you compound that over days weeks years decades and you know the one thing I can tell you about Jennifer and I we we are either gonna we are gonna win or we're gonna die right but we're not gonna give up and uh and you know I I played against people like that and and so have you at and you just rather just go to the next person because uh that person that won't give up you know there's a there's a rocky B boy on a Rambo esque that uh that is pretty admirable yeah I learned that too brother from losing my dream obviously I wasn't as talented as you but you knew that I wanted to play in The Bigs too and you know I don't know that I gave it everything I had when I was in college or when I first started to play and I have a dream and I share this often with people it's a nightmare I'm 50 years old next year and I've done pretty well in business and in life but when you don't give everything to a dream like I think you one of the things you're most proud of is hey man I gave everything I had to that sport right I I know through being with you and watching Jen like you just can't work I mean it's just unbelievable worker and I didn't everyone I just want to share this with you as I ask Alex another question too is I have nightmares at 50 years old and when I give my talks to sports teams I tell them and the nightmares and I have it regularly we all have that nightmare we know we're in but we can't get out of and mine is I can hear them announcing my name starting is center field number eight Eddie myet you're and I can't get in the stadium I'm locked out I've got my uniform on and I'm telling the security guard let me in let me in I'm they just called my name I'm the starting center F goes you can't get in man you can't get in and it's me at 50 years old 30 years later wanting that dream and regretting so deeply that I didn't give everything I had that it's to this day haunts me and that's why I went and wanted Biz like never again if I fail it's going to be going out with everything I've got I'm never going to have that nightmare of knowing of wondering the rest of my life what could have been I'm never going to have that and it's something obviously in that sport you have you don't have to worry about but I'm curious to ask you brother I watch you with the preparation part how important have your mentors been I mean I see you Warren Buffett I see you with these other people you've had access to some of the best of the best but talk about that I think everybody listen needs to find their Mentor even if it's virtual through a podcast or something like that how about that element for you how critical has that been it's been vital in Paramount in so many ways that because I'm someone that I never sit around saying I can't do it because I came from a single mother or I can't do it because I didn't graduate from college or I can't do it because I was too busy playing baseball um I've always figured out a way and uh I love playing chess and in many ways it's a microcosm of Life uh there's chess pieces and you have to be able to play them strategically uh I'm a big big believer in the long game and if you believe in the long game and not the short game mentors and allies are going to be a ginormous part of your business trajectory and I think young people uh do not spend enough time uh building out their Network um watering the plant uh calling in I mean right now was a perfect time to look in your blackbook and reach out to 10 to 20 people daily on email say hello uh send good energy uh thinking of you sending positive energy you're going to be great if you need any I I've sent out probably 15 emails a week uh to uh people that are not let's just say in my first team yeah there second layers and secondary and tertiary kind of relationships is there any anything I can do to be helpful uh just offering yourself and and I think in times like these is where you have an opportunity as a friend as a mentor as a business associate to uh to spread a lot of Goodwill and also uh help someone when they need you most so mentorship has been a a huge part of my life and you pay it forward everyone Alex has said something huge I'm so I'm so glad we're doing this bro like obviously blessed this time if you're feeling helpless get helpful as he just said you can't simultaneously feel helpless when you're being helpful to other people reaching out offering assistance and the other thing everybody through a time like this is you don't have to believe everything you think not every thought you have is true we all have these thoughts running around our heads take time to be intentional about your thinking don't buy everything you're saying to yourself it's not all true we all have a BS meter we give ourselves as well speaking of winning this is what I want everybody to get because I want to know what you did you haven't always won this is a guy who went with three losses in a row 688 days of your life without a win I want everybody to think about that you may be listening to the show today and you're in the loss phase you're in the down on the canvas phase you know Co Corona virus is hurt your business you're going through a divorce a bankruptcy business isn't where it is you as a professional athlete guys 688 days without a win three consecutive losses what did you do to turn that around mentally there's got to be some specific thing you started to do brother that you weren't doing during that phase what was it yeah you know in uh I made a couple mistakes that led into that and then even a couple mistakes during that 688 days and it was it was the hardest definitely the hardest time of my life um and I think I just fell back into it I think so what happened with me with quick overview of my career I came out shot out of the cannon 12-0 lost beat won my first 12 fights finished most of most of them in the first period or in the first round uh became a top three guy in the world you know the media is talking is this the next big guy we want to see him he was he's inor we want to see him fight UFC champion wouldn't see him in the UFC so everybody had all these high hopes for me and once again um it felt foreign because you know that small voice inside my inside my mind kept getting louder and louder Michael you're not supposed to be here you're not supposed to be here you're not supposed to to to win this much you you aren't you aren't the champion that everybody says you are right and uh and even though in my heart of Hearts you know being a God-fearing man knowing that God put me in this P pulled me into this Sport and pushed me in the direction of mixed martial arts to be put on a platform not just to be good but to be great not just to be great but to be impactful to be put on a platform where people say man that guy right there deep in the fourth round deep in the fifth round when he's huffing his puff he's huffing and puffing he's bleeding he's barely picking himself back up to make his way back to the stool and then he comes out in the fifth round and then wins a fight in the fifth round that guy right there because he was able to pick himself back up I can too in my business in my relationships in my in my walk um so I just I just truly believe that God had me in this sport for a reason but there still was those times where you take it take it for granted you take your mindset for granted you think okay Athletics or my athletic abilities or the hard work will get me there and while it will it's probably one of the most important aspects of it taking extreme ownership of what's going on in between your ears you're what you are and where you are because of what has gone into your mind and what continually goes into your mind and what you continually speak about and talk about inside your mind and I just I took it for granted um and I didn't take ownership for what was going going on inside my mind so I lost my first fight and I made a couple mistakes the first mistake was you know I was up for fight of the year with Eddie Alvarez they wanted to invite me out to the to the um the world MMA Awards and I said no I don't want to go I didn't take any interviews I wanted to hide I wanted to hide from my failure so that was the first mistake I made the second mistake I made is I had skill Amnesia I lost that fight all of a sudden I just forgot how good I was I forgot how powerful I was how strong I was how athletic I was not to mention how gifted I was uh by God to be put into this Sport and the third thing I did was I just I found I found comfort in that jail cell of the self-pity you know I'd make jokes like well sometimes you win sometimes you lose three in a row you know some I would I would make jokes out of my losses and and I think the worst thing we can do and of course it's it's a defense mechanism we all do it we we make fun of ourselves or we down cut ourselves or we we we make fun of our own shortcomings because it I'd rather I'd rather make fun of myself than actually accept the fact that this is a season right now and I'm going to get better as you know in life and business relationship walk everything it's it's es and flows it's Peaks and valleys and it's ups and downs and uh I just took extreme ownership realizing that I could sit here on this on this computer right now looking at and speaking to a man that I admire a man that I want to be like and Ed my the great Ed M could tell me hey Michael you're this and you're that and you're and you're going to be you're going to be great but if I don't truly believe it I'm never going to get there and of course I appreciate people like you or the next you know five 10 people that may say these things but we have to realize that what's going on inside of our minds are the greatest the greatest impression we can make is on ourselves the the greatest person that we can build up is ourself the greatest person that we can speak into is ourselves and we spend all the all this time talking to other people and building other people up and we and we just act like we don't deserve OB erve those things and you know I did that for a really long time and then all of a sudden I just realized man somebody's got to be the best why shouldn't it be me you know if I have all these things available to be able to go out and do great things and and make an impact in people's lives I really am you know giving God and all my almighty God that showed into the stick by me not believing in myself so I can go out there and accomplish great things oh my gosh this is an epic show oh my gosh I want a couple things I want to unpack I want to go right back to you so first thing I love what you said about right at the end there about when you're not when you don't do everything you possibly can to reach a platform and the influence of other people you're short changing God and that is the ultimate leverage most people of Faith could possibly get on themselves so and I love getting leverage on myself I don't want to let my family down I don't want to let my friends down those are huge things but I really don't want to let God down and neither do any of you listening to this second thing is that even at the highest levels guys in life all of us myself Michael we struggle with self confidence it's a battle all of the time and third there are things you can do to alleviate that pain you're putting yourself through and I know for you visualization has been a really big part of things I teach something called like a highlight reel or an emotional flood I've had David Nur on who talks about that in his book I think you let's give let's get granular for a minute do you do that and if you do what's your version of that look like and how do you do it I do yeah and I actually read the first time I ever read about a mental highlight re was very Max book called M mind gy yeah and it was in it was in college a long long time ago and uh for me my mental highlight reel what what's great about my mental highlight reel is half of it has nothing to do with fighting half of it half of it may be business half of it may be a lot of it is wrestling college wrestling you know beating Kyler Sanderson on senior night by eight points when I needed I needed to beat him to get that higher ranking to be able to get a great seed at NCAA at the NCAA tournament right um and these you know that's a name that a lot of people may not even know because it was college wrestling but for me at that moment of my life when I put on that black and gold singlet and I put on put on that headgear it was time to go in that moment that at that greatest moment of opportunity I needed to be enough and not that I just not only did I need to be enough but I needed to be great that night and I was great while that performance itself isn't going to win me world titles it isn't going to make me millions of dollars that performance for me is on my mental highlight reel because I can close my eyes and I can remember what that Hearn Center Arena smelled like what it looked like what the how big the crowd was what was at stake all of these minute details so that when I make that walk to the UFC Octagon which I had never done before by the way on the biggest stage that I ever could have asked for almost two million pay-per-view pay-per-view buys co-main event of a Conor McGregor pay-per-view I had I had been there before and uh I I just remember the greatest thing about that walk out was that I had visualized it so many times over the last decade by the way because even though I was fighting in Bellator I was never training to fight these guys in Bellator I was training to fight the number one guy in the world whether it was Benson Henderson whether it was Rafael Doos Anthony Pettis Ben uh Eddie Alvarez Conor McGregor khib all of these guys that have been UFC Champions over the last decade who I was never going to fight in that moment because I was sign with Bellator but I was training to fight them I wasn't just training to beat the guy in front of me I was training to be the number one guy in the world so now I get the opportunity to step in the octagon and it was as if as it was as if God pulled this this weight off of me that had been there for a very long time because now he finally said son through your persistence through your patience and through your belief and your faith now you can finally go be at your best and I feel like when I stepped in the cage that night there was I could have stepped in there with King Kong and I was going to get them I was going to get that win in the first round and and it was because of the visual the visualization and the the winning through the patience and the perseverance of the last 12 years that just gave me the best opportunity of my life and man I just I feel like you know without sounding too overconfident man I just truly believe that I'm gonna win that UFC gold in the next 12 months because I believe I have already been there I do too I there's so much there I I don't even know where to go I mean the F the first part I think is having been there your mind moves towards what you're most familiar with on a very regular basis tell me about those challenges a lot of the audience out there first time on entrepreneurs sales people people trying in the grind in your 20s been there done that guys you are not alone trust me so share with me kind of how you cuz you didn't start out with 200 million net worth no my gosh no no I uh you know what being an entrepreneur at least this is my experience it's riddled with false starts too so it's not all bad there's you think you've made progress right all entrepreneurs and then you take two back and then three steps the wrong way right two steps forward three steps back all kinds of false starts big time when I started in business and I just struggled and struggled and and it got to the point for me where I almost quit several times I mean to be honest with you and someone asked me today cuz we're here Ocean Front this guy's interviewing me for a book and he goes what are you the most grateful for at this house and I said probably the fact that my backyard's an ocean right like that is but then I reflected on something which was that we got so broke when I was an entrepreneur that I had a home for clothed on and then after that I had a car repossessed in fact my wife's car was repossessed and then we had our electricity turned off and those are all bad things but anybody that's ever had this happen you know this is the worst the worst thing that happened to me was the water got turned off at our apartment so when you don't have water you can't cook and you can't shower and so we would have to get up in the morning and and it's cold and we'd have to get our stuff gathered up our clothes everything and gather our stuff down and go down to the pool at our apartment complex and we would have to shower every morning in that pool at the shower at the pool and I remember being ashamed of that cuz we were newlyweds and I remember thinking if I could ever change and I remember having to fake it so badly right because I'm that broke and then I had to leave the shower pool and go out and pretend to be a successful entrepreneur to pretend to lead people pretend to influence people and so I told him the other day with the book I said the most grateful thing I have is the ocean but I said I have this weird trigger and I'm not kidding you that goes off that many mornings I'm grateful I'm serious when I pull the faucet the water comes out of the sh and hits me in the face and I'm grateful it's like the smallest things you never forget those times and so yeah the ocean's amazing believe me I pinch myself but there's a lot of mornings where I go and I go thank you thank you I'm so grateful so I relate to those struggles that all entrepreneurs have that's why I admire them it's why when we meet each other like you and I do we're Kindred Spirits of me there's a respect because I don't know all of your story but I know to get where you've gotten you've gone through multiple difficult times and so all entrepreneurs sort of have that on the other side and so I have that for you and you know I sense that you do with me too so tell me about wfg so when when did that come into play what is wfg tell me all about it I got into W I had a couple blessings so um I'm I'm I'm out of college I get released from playing baseball and uh here's this success dude story okay I end up back at home living at my mom and dad's house in the same bed same teddy bear on the bed same posters on the wall and I'm unemployed completely without work watching Mory Povich every single day and Jerry Springer like my whole day was like anyone see Mory poic my whole day was like is he the daddy you know that little thing where you you not the daddy you are not the father right that was like I waited all day for that like that was the highlight of my day right I'm serious too which is pretty pathetic and so my dad had recently gotten sober my dad had a drinking problem my dad's now been sober for years but my dad ended up getting sober he came home from one of his meetings that they go to when they're in sobriety and he goes hey I got you a job tomorrow morning you got to go to McKinley Home For Boys in San Deus and I'm like what is that he goes I don't know but this guy at the meeting says he's got you a job at six bucks an hour you get your butt over there tomorrow yes sir so the next morning I go to McKinley which is in sandas down the road here and I walk in and I said uh yeah I'm here for the job and they're like what job and who are you I'm like I I don't know what the job is and but my name's Eddie milet and they said well we don't know who you are and there's no job and they said well who's hiring you and I said uh I don't know I don't know the guys' name they're like so you're here for a job you don't know what it is and you don't know the dude's name and I'm like wait a minute the dude's name's Tim Tim my dad said Tim and they go Tim who and I said I don't know but he's an alcoholic and they go oh oh Tim the alcoholic right so they bring me to this home and changed my life brother I'm going to tell you this that's how I ended up in the business McKinley is a campus of group homes of boys right hundreds of them and my boys were seven to 10 years old they're Wards of the Court they're either orphaned or most of my boys were molested by family and removed from their home these little precious boys right and all they wanted to be was loved cared for believed in helped right and so all of a sudden I'm this young 21 22 year old guy and I'm thrown into this home and I basically live with these boys holidays mornings breakfast school when they get back from school how was school I became like a dad a big brother to these little boys and my life literally in that time transformed into I wasn't about me anymore it wasn't just my ego or wanting to be rich or famous all of a sudden it was like man I love serving people I love helping people I love making a difference it's like those eyes these boys had these abused kids have these eyes that are different so you know you're on your we're all on our journey trying to kind of figure our lives out figure out who we are what our gifts are yes did was that a moment for you where you went my calling is to serve was my calling and and what's amazing about I thought I knew what my gifts were CU everyone had always told me when I was little what my initial gifts were everyone put you in that story when you're little right remember my parents would always introduced me as Eddie's shy he's shy that's the worst thing you could say so guess what I was I'm shy I'm introverted right so my gifts changed and so what happened was right when I got to work there I spent there a couple years the same time my best friend's dad called me and said hey I know you got a stable job you could start in this business part-time it's a financial business I'm like I have no background in finance I hate money I don't know anything about it I didn't take a math class in college it's not even it's boring to me my dad's a banker no but then they brought me down there and I they were like no this is really about helping people I went okay you got my buzz word this is about contribution I'm like wait a minute and and you could kind of make the money you thought you were going to make playing baseball right and I said here's the deal I'm not leaving my boys I won't leave these boys they're like you can start part-time and so then I spent time in the business part-time growing my practice growing my business except I came at it differently instead of approaching it just like a stud and an ego and about making money I approached it from the standpoint of serving people and making a difference and my following exploded and then it got to the point where it just financially I had to leave the group home and spend my time in my full-time business so that's how I got into the business U you just mentioned something that's so important to me and something that I'm constantly preaching you know um there's a quote by a guy named Zig Ziggler you should look him up if you don't know who he is he said you can have everything you want in life if you'll just help enough other people get what they want Ed is here we're we're overlooking the most beautiful view I've seen personally in my life In This Magnificent home with his beautiful wife and you know he didn't get here by accident the switch I think is he decided to stop thinking and working for himself and start thinking and working for everybody else is that accurate it's accurate and there's multiple benefits to that cuz you know that's why I love your work that's why when you asked me to do this and I started to look at what you talk about like I'll do it right and the reason is because I love what you stand for because there's this is so important that people get one people matter things don't things will never like this view is amazing but it's there every morning right so it does you know the Ferrari out front is awesome but it's not as awesome as it was the first day I drove it I'll be honest with you I like it and by the way it's better than a Camry it's better than a Hyundai I'm not saying that I hate when Rich guys go material things don't matter I'm not saying they don't matter I'm saying they don't endure right serving people endures and so but the power of putting yourself where you're serving another person here's what it does it's beautiful takes the pressure off you yeah every sales call every encounter every conversation if it's about them and not you the pressure is off you to say the perfect thing to get it exactly right as long as your intentions are good people say intent long term people will sense your spirit they'll sense your intention they sense your energy influence and persuasion it's why I like you like immediately like have I known remember I told you have I known you before it's because people respond to what they feel which is energy way more than what they hear or see and they people can smell a phony a mile away they can smell it they can sense it but people can also sense for the most part sincerity generosity genuiness and I'm really in a position where I want to give you something and serve you and make a difference and I care about you that's a powerful energy that's rare and if you're that way in business I don't care what your business is Tech speaking computers dry cleaning Sports if you're that type of person eventually your energy wins [Music] he

Channel: Ed Mylett

Views: 9,281

Keywords: ed mylett, mylett, the ed mylett show, maxout, maxout with ed mylett, podcast, show, the power of one more, confidence

Id: KIQNLguZaYw

Length: 90min 1sec (5401 seconds)

Published: Sat May 11 2024