MOSFILM Studios Ilf and Petrov Based on the novel
of Ilya Ilf and Evgeny Petrov Experimental Creative Association presents 12 CHAIRS The Cast Archil Gomiashvili
Sergei Philippov
Mikhail Pugovkin G. Bogdanova-Chesnokova
N. Varlei, N. Vorobyova
N. Grebeshkova N. Krachkovskaya
K. Rumyanova G. Vitsin
N. Gorlov
S. Kramarov Yu. Nikulin
V. Pavlov G. Roninson
R. Philippov
G. Schpiegel V. Etush
I. Yasulovich Make-up by L. Kaleva
Costumes by K. Savitsky
Edited by K. Aleeva Lyrics by L. Derbenev
Conductor – G. Garanyan Camera by I. Shtanko
Scenery by A. Makarov Sound by R. Margacheva
Assistant Director – M. Koldobskaya Music by Alexander Zatsepin Production Designer
Evgeny Kumankov Director of Photography
Sergei Poluyanov, Valery Shuvalov Directed by Leonid Gaidai Script by V. Bakhnov, L. Gaidai Part One
THINGS ARE MOVING In the summer of 1927 at 11.30 AM, a young man entered Stargorod from the direction of the village of Chmarovka,
to the north-east. Mister! gimme ten kopeks! Mister! gimme ten kopeks! Perhaps you'd also like the key
of the apartment where the money is? No-o… The young man had
not told the truth. He had no money, no apartment
where it might have been found, and no key with which to open it. His name was Ostap Bender. “VAKHANYUK and Co” What's the matter? What's the matter? Who are you? Is something wrong with my shop? You know very well yourself. Maybe we should come
inside and talk. You'll have to talk you know where. Can you give me a light? Tell me, dad are there any
marriageable young girls in this town? - For some a mare'd be a bride.
- I have no more questions. A house like this
and no girls in it? This is a state institution - a home
for old-age women. Born even before the advent
of historical materialism? They were born when they were born. Listen, granddad, what about a drink? - All right!
- Right, then. - I'll stay the night with you.
- You can stay here for the rest of your life if you like. - What was here in the old days?
- My master used to live here. - Ippolit Matveevich Vorobyaninov.
- A bourgeois? Bourgeois yourself!
He was a marshal of the nobility. You mean he was from the working class? Working class yourself!
He was a marshal of the nobility. The police chief used to salute him. I'd go and wish him a happy
new year, let's say, and he'd give me 3 roubles. At Easter, let's say,
he'd give me another 3 roubles. He even promised to give me a medal. That's what he would say: “Tikhon, consider yourself
already having a medal.” But it didn’t happen. Do they give medals
to caretakers nowadays? Certainly. Coming! Master! Back from Paris! Hello, Tikhon. I certainly haven't
come from Paris. Where did you get
that strange idea from? This isn't Paris, but you're
welcome to our abode. - I haven’t come from Paris.
- Splendid, of course you haven't come
from Paris. You've no doubt come
from Kologriv to visit your deceased grandmother. My name's Bender. - You may have heard of me.
- No, I haven't. No, how could the name of Ostap-Suleiman-Bertha-Maria
Bender Bey be known in Paris? Bertha-Maria Bender…
Sounds weird… - I haven't come from Paris.
- Marvelous. You've come from Morshansk! Is it warm in Paris now? Well, I'm going now. You don't need to hurry anywhere. - The secret police will come for you.
- I don't know what you mean. You soon will. Sit down. Quickly. Which frontier did you cross? Was it the Polish, Finnish,
or Rumanian frontier? Honestly, I'm a Soviet citizen.
I can show you my passport. Here. With printing being so developed
in the West, the forgery of a Soviet passport
is nothing. All right. a) We have an emigre who returned from Paris
to his hometown. b) This emigre is afraid of secret police. - c)…
- But I already told you: - I'm not an emigre.
- Then who are you? - Why are you here?
- I arrived on business. - What business?
- Well… Speak up! - Personal business.
- Personal business, eh. And then you say
you're not an emigre! So, will you confess on your
own will or what? - Speak up!
- All right… “Anyway, it might be difficult
without an accomplice”, he thought to himself,
"and this fellow seems to be a really shady character.
He might be useful…" I'll tell you everything. In a provincial town N
where the ex marshal of nobility worked as a clerk
of the registration office, there were so many hairdressing
parlors and funeral homes that the inhabitants seemed
to be born merely in order to have a shave, get their hair cut,
freshen up their heads with toilet water and then die. Be quick, she is dying! Oh, my God. I held the last rite for her.
Her soul is pure now. Don’t lose courage, Ippolit Matveevich. - Eppole-et…
- Go, go… Eppole-et... I want to tell you something… Do you remember our
drawing-room suite in Stargorod? Yes, I remember it very well.
A sofa, a dozen chairs… I sewed my jewels into the seat of a chair. Weren't they taken
when the house was searched? I hid the jewels in a chair. Your jewels!
Why didn't you give them to me? Why should I have given them to you when you squandered away my
daughter's estate? What? 70 thousand roubles'
worth of jewels hidden in a chair! Heaven knows
who may sit on that chair! But this is… Those evening bells! Fedor, what? How many a tale their music tells… Oh, my God, what’s wrong with you? Listen, but mum is the word. I held the last rites for
Vorobyaninov’s mother-in-law today. She confessed, that in their
house in Stargorod, she hid her jewelry in one of the chairs. She bequeathed that jewelry to me. - To you?
- Yes, to me. Soon we’ll lead a different life,
with a candle factory of our own - and so on.
- Well, well… Those evening bells. How many a tale… The jewels… I’ll find them, I’ll find them by all means! The stones have been
tastefully selected, I see. I think all this jazz costs
about 150 thousand now. - Really as much as that?
- Not less than that. However, I would spit at all this. - How?
- Just spit at it. - Nothing will come out of it.
- But why? Your suite was probably used
for firewood long ago. Take it easy. Calm down. I'll take charge. Only we’ll have
to conclude a little deal. If we find the treasure,
as your technical adviser I receive 60 per cent. That's daylight robbery! - Name your conditions.
- Well, err… 5 per cent, or maybe even 10 per cent. Maybe you'd like me to work
for nothing and also give you the key of the apartment
where the money is? In that case, I'm sorry,
I have every reason to believe I can manage the business by myself. In that case, I'm sorry, I have
just as much reason to believe, that I can also
manage your business by myself. - You villain!
- Listen, gentleman from Paris, do you know your jewels
are practically in my pocket? And I'm only interested in you
as long as I wish to prolong your old age. - 20 per cent
- And my grub? - 25.
- And the key from my apartment? - 30 per cent.
- All right. But it is only with due respect
to your noble descent that I would agree to work
for the meager 40 per cent. That's 60 thousand! You're a rather nasty man. - You're too fond of money.
- And I suppose you aren't? - No, I'm not.
- Then why do you want 60 thousand? - On principle!
- Ah… - So, things are moving?
- Villain! - What?
- Things are moving! It's a bargain then,
dear member of the jury. I will run this parade! Good morning, marshal.
I have good news for you. - I traced the first chair.
- Oh, my God! The chair is in what
used to be your house. Wrap up your morning
toilette and let’s go. I’m ready. You must be crazy! What? Look at yourself. Oh, my God! Oh, my God. How on earth? I was told it would be jet black. It was contraband. All contraband is made
in Deribasovskaya Street in Odessa. Oh, my God, what do I do? What is there to be done? It will have to be dyed again. It's called 'Naiad'. - Amazing chestnut colour.
- You don’t say so! Very impressive. You’re my charmer. Only I don't recommend living
in Soviet Russia - with the hair like yours.
- Why not? - It will have to be shaved off.
- That's impossible! Then you can stay in the caretaker's
room for the rest of your life, - and I'll go for the chairs.
- All right, shave it then. You owe me 2 roubles
for the shave and haircut. Why so expensive?
It should only cost 40 kopeks For reasons of security,
Comrade Field Marshal! There! Nervous people should turn away. Voila! The Assistant Warden
of Stavropol’s Retirement Home N 2 was a shy little thief. His whole being protested
against stealing, yet it was impossible
for him not to steal. He stole and was
ashamed of himself. He stole constantly and was
constantly ashamed of himself. The world has never seen
such a bashful chiseller as Alexander Yakovlevich. You'll help the society by bringing
colored metal for recycling! Stavropol’s Retirement Home N 2 And my heart gave a pang On recollecting the past… Brass orchestra – the road
to collective creative activities Descants, softer! Kukushkina, not so loud! Where can I find the warden? What do you want, Comrade? National folk-songs? Very interesting! - I'm the fire inspector.
- Pleased to meet you. - Let's take a look at the premises.
- Come this way. - Do they use primus here?
- Kukushkina! - No, no!
- Or stoves or anything of that kind? - No!
- Let's go on. "Feet" - This is the dormitory.
- I see. - Are the chimneys swept regularly?
- Sure. - Are the stoves working properly?
- Absolutely. Let’s go on. Is this a new batch of babushkas? They're orphans. A trying heritage
from the Tsarist regime. Inspector, please
take pot luck and lunch with us. Pot luck that day happened to be a bottle of Zubrovka vodka, home-pickled mushrooms,
black caviar, minced herring,
Ukrainian beet soup chicken and rice, fruits,
and so on and so forth. - Here's to your communal services.
- Thank you. - Bon appetit.
- Thank you. Why is it that the furnishings
are so skimpy in your establishment? You have absolutely nothing
at all of any taste to sit on. - Oh, not at all.
- Not at all! In the recreation room
there's an English chair left over - from the original furniture.
- A unique chair. I saw it myself this morning.
Where can it be? Yes, it was right here. It's depressing, girls, to have chairs disappearing
in a most mysterious way. - It's absolutely ridiculous!
- I’ll check in the dormitories. A friend of mine also used
to sell government property. I find your groundless
accusations strange. You abortion… Who did you sell the chair to? Pasha, who had supernatural
understanding, realized at this point he was about
to be beaten, if not kicked. I'd never seen him before. - Never?
- No, honestly. Oh, really? I ought to bust you in the mouth, only Zarathustra wouldn't allow it. Get to hell out of here! Excuse me… What?! Bribing officials
in the course of their duty. That comes under Article 114
of the Criminal Code. For shame! From the taiga to the seas of Britain The Red Army is the strongest one. The Red Army holding their bayonets with their rough hands... Dispute: Does God exist?
entrance fee – 10 kopeks
A discount for godless ones 'Here is our answer...' 'Mademoiselle Fifi' - Thief!
- Excuse me! - Excuse me!
- Help! - Holy Father!
- Ippolit Matveevich! So you're after my property?
You of all people! - It's not your property.
- Whose then? - It's was nationalized?
- By whom? - By the Soviet government.
- Oh, really? - Yes!
- Then maybe you're a Communist, Holy Father? - Maybe I am!
- Maybe you are… Well, have you found anything? You crook! I'll break your neck, Father Fedor! I'd like to see you! The fate of the whole enterprise was in the balance
that cold, green evening. If they could get hold of the orders for Vorobyaninov's furniture,
half the battle had been won. I would like to have some
of my dad's furniture as a keepsake. Can you tell me who was given
the furniture from dad's house? That's difficult. Only a well-to-do person
could manage that. 'Is nearer one's heart',
as Maupassant used to say. - The information will be paid for.
- 70 roubles. I accept, dad. Cash on delivery. - When shall I come?
- Have you the money on you? Then we can do it right now.
Come this way, please. - A full set of records at home!
- A complete set. We're living on top
of a volcano, you know. Anything can happen.
Then people will rush off to find their furniture,
and where will it be? It will be here. And who will
have preserved it? Korobeinikov! So the gentlemen will thank me.
And I don't need very much; ten roubles an order will do me. Here you are. All your father's furniture. You're an absolute hero of labour! They ought
to erect a monument to you. Oh, come on. - May I make out a receipt?
- You may. Perhaps you'd like
Madame Popov's furniture? It's very good
and also made by Hambs. - No, thank you.
- As you wish. Well, I won't burden you
any more with my presence. What about the money? What money? Did I hear you say
something about money? - Of course! For the orders!
- Of course, chum... I swear by my late father, I forgot
to draw any from my current account. Hush, you champion of the idea. I'm telling you in plain
Russian - tomorrow means tomorrow. So long! Write to me! Stop! Never before had Bartholomew
Korobeinikov been so wretchedly deceived. He could deceive anyone he liked, But now he had been
cheated at his own game, a business from which he expected
great profits and a secure old age. I humbly apologize… Where can I find citizen Korobeinikov? - It’s me.
- I came with a humble request. I’m Ippolit Vorobyaninov’s brother… - His own brother.
- Aha. Things are moving… Yes, I do have an order - for your dear brother’s suite.
- Thank you very much. 100 roubles. I'd like the money first. - Can I pay in gold pieces?
- It’s all right. One moment… Those evening bells. I’ll palm off the orders
belonging to General Popov's wife. Here you go. - All there together.
- Yes, exactly. Citizen Bruns, Vinogradnaya
Street, 34. All the chairs are there. It's a splendid suite.
It'll make you drool. - Thank you very much.
- It was my pleasure. Watch your step… What an idiot! I forgot to tell you
yesterday that I had to pay 70 roubles for the orders. - How much?
- 70. Herewith the receipt. Concessionaires, I hope, share
the expenses on an equal footing? - Of course.
- Sling over 35 roubles. The first order for 10 chairs given away to the Museum
of Furniture Art in Moscow. The second order, for one chair,
went to Madame Grits… …Madame Gritsatsueva, widow of the invalid
of the Imperialistic War. Stargorod, Plekhanov Street, 15. - We’ll take care of the widow.
- Yes, yes. I have a hunch that the jewelry
is in that very chair. I’ll be waiting in the vestibule. Oh, if only girls could fly, Fly like birds in the sky. Then oh then, day and night I would admire there flight! - I would be happy like a tree…
- Those evening bells. Good morning, Father. Good morning, Ippolit Matveevich. I hope I didn't hurt you
at our last meeting. Not at all, it was
very pleasant to see you. I don't suppose you're
holding divine services any more? No, I don’t. The parishioners
have all run off - in search of treasure.
- Their own treasure, mark you. Their own! I don't know whose it is, but only
that they're looking for it. The rival concern! Buying old things, you holy jerk? What do you want? I want to sell you the ears
of a dead donkey. You, you buy old stuff
and steal new stuff? The enemy running for their lives… You’re another fool! What? How much is opium for the people? - Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon. Sanitary inspection. - Doctor Michelson.
- Glad to meet you. - Konrad Karlovich.
- Glad to meet you. All right, let us see the premises. Come this way, please. But I tell you it was him - without his moustache,
but definitely him. The other one with him
was a fine-looking fellow. - Obviously a former officer.
- Why do you think he's here? At any rate, not to sign a treaty
with the Bolsheviks. - Do you think he's in danger?
- Who… Who isn't in danger in Soviet Russia? Moustaches, Elena Stanislavovna,
are not shaved off for nothing. ...not staved for nothing... Has he been sent from abroad? - Definitely.
- But what can be his purpose here? Don't be childish! Chrysanthemums in autumn have withered away. But my love still in bloom.. Victor Mikhailovich, I must see him! Do you know what you're risking? I don't care.
After ten years of separation I cannot do otherwise than
see Ippolit Matveevich I beg you to find him. I beg you to find him... Somewhere in the jungle
there are herds of bisons, Over baobabs the sunset
is like blood - dark red. Somewhere in the jungle
there lived a gloomy pirate “I don’t believe in love”,
he always said. Once he was sailing home
after a deadly battle, in his ears still ringing
the loud cannonade, And a Creole girl
waved to him from the shore She was slim and brown
like chocolate. Love’s always sad, Love’s always sad. Where there is love There is always
someone’s blood to be shed… And he turned his ship
and he came ashore, For the poor pirate
his feelings couldn’t control, For he fell in love,
and he called her birdie, Chirping on the branches
of his soul. But one night he saw her
making love with a cowboy on the beach. Poor pirate –
he had loved in vain. With one single bullet
he killed the wretched lovers. And all night he wandered
like insane. And the pirate’s eyes
were full of tears, For he knew he’ll love forever
the Creole girl… And he killed himself -
just to make shut up The birdie
on the branches of his soul. I swear by God, while you were
singing that song, I honestly felt something hard
underneath me. We must steal it during the night, honestly, we must steal it! For a marshal of the nobility
your methods are too crude. It's a scummy trick
to rob a poor widow. - But we must act quickly.
- Only cats are born quickly. So that we can rummage
inside the chair, - I'll marry her.
- Why? A passionate woman is a poet's dream. - But you'll tie yourself down for life!
- The things we do for the concession! Good evening,
Mr. Ippolit Matveevich! - I don't think I know you.
- What do you want from my friend? Don't be alarmed.
Elena Stanislavovna sent me. - What! Is she here?
- Yes. And she wants to see you. Do you know the woman? Yes. An old friend. Then we might go and have
supper with your old friend. I'm famished
after that widow’s tea. - We probably can.
- Let's go, then. Lead the way, mysterious stranger. And don’t worry. Everything will be
under the veil of secrecy. - Secrecy?
- Absolutely. I know what you risk
by coming here to see me. I'm not going to ask you why
you're here from Paris. But I haven't come
from Paris at all. My colleague and I
have come from Berlin, but it's not advisable
to talk about it too loudly. They have a very strange
custom in Berlin. They eat so late that you can't tell whether it's an early
supper or a late lunch. And now we must act, act, and act. - The old woman is reliable, isn't she?
- You bet! - What's your political credo?
- Always! Russia will not forget you! Oh, Madame...
Strict secrecy. A state secret. Who do you think
this powerful old man is? Don't say that you know. He's the master-mind,
the father of Russian democracy and a person close to the emperor. Are there many of us in the town?
The sentiments? - Given the absence of…
- Good! With your help we'll contact
the best people in the town who have been forced underground
by a cruel fate. Who can we ask to come here? Charushnikov,
a former Tsarist town councillor. - Which regiment were you in?
- I... wasn't, so to speak, in any. - Are you from the nobility?
- Yes, I was. I hope you still are. Stand firm! We will be helped from abroad. The organization is strictly secret.
Attention, please... Stand firm! The West will help us. Are you members
of the upper class? Very good. The West will help us. Stand firm. Contributions - I mean the organization -
will be strictly secret. An alliance! The secret Alliance
of the Sword and Ploughshare. Attention, please! Chairman of the Odessa Roll Bakery
of the Moscow Bun Artel - Mr. Kislyarsky.
- Pleased to meet you. Thank you, sir. Gentlemen… - Which regiment were you in?
- I didn’t serve. - Are you a nobleman?
- Yes. - No.
- Yes or no? I don’t know. Whatever
would please you. As a representative
of private enterprise, you cannot ignore the cries
of the people. - Yes, I cannot.
- Stand firm. - I will.
- Do you know who is sitting there? If I’m not mistaken, it’s - Pussy Vorobyaninov.
- Pussy? - Yes.
- He is no Pussy. - He is the master-mind.
- Who? Pussy? He is the father
of Russian democracy and a person close to the emperor. Alliance of the Sword and Ploughshare. - Oh, my Jesus!
- You can leave. - I think I’d better leave.
- But I warn you, - we have a long reach.
- Then I’d better stay. Stand firm. All right. Citizens, I am not going to talk
about the aim of our gathering - you all know it. Our aim is sacred. From every corner of our huge
country people are calling for help. Some of you have work
and eat bread and butter. Some eat sandwiches
with black caviar, and some even - with red caviar. Some of you even
have privilege ration. It is only the young waifs
who are not looked after. We must help them,
gentlemen of the jury, and, gentlemen of the jury,
we will do so. Let us remember that children
are the flowers of life. I now invite you to make your
contributions and help the children, the children alone and no one else. Do you understand me? Please make your contributions.
in order of seniority. We'll begin with dear
Maxim Petrovich. In better times I'd give more. Better times will soon be coming. Anyway, that has
nothing to do with the children who I am at present representing. 500 roubles all in all. Gentlemen! The children will
never forget this gesture of yours. You will be given special notice
of the date of our next meeting. Leave by ones. - It's strictly secret.
- Gotcha. The children business
should be kept secret. It's also in your own interests. Never surrender alive. Kiss the bride! Kiss the bride! What’s wrong with you,
Comrade Bender? Your cockerel is all right,
my little hen. Cockerel! Give it back to me, don’t be crazy. Are you coming, Comrade Bender? I’m coming, oh my little hen. Go back to the guests. Your
cockerel will join you in a moment. There is nothing here. No-thing! You can’t behave yourself
in a polite society. You ruined my family life! Where are you, Comrade Bender? The window… I’m coming!... Coming! I’m flying to you
on the wings of love! Wait a minute now,
where is Father Fedor? Where is that treasure-seeker
and sworn enemy of Vorobyaninov? Greedy is Father Fedor. He wants to be rich. He is chasing round Russia
in search of the furniture belonging to General Popov's wife, which does not contain
a darn thing, to tell the truth. He is on his way through Russia. And all
he does is write letters to his wife: Dear Katya. My trip turned out to be not so short. Engineer Bruns who has that suite has moved from Stargorod to Kharkov, and then to Rostov,
where I’m going now. So, arm yourself with patience, and, after a prayer, sell my old cassock and some furniture - to your own discr… Discr… …discretion. Yes! I forgot to tell you about
a terrible thing that befell me. When the train was pulling
off from Kharkov, I stood at the window
admiring the Little Russian nature. Suddenly a wind came
up and blew my cap away… The concessionaires arrived to Moscow at eleven in the morning. - Where are we going, by the way?
- To visit nice people. I have many friends here. This way, marshal… It was a famous university hostel
named after the monk Brother Berthold Schwartz. At first only chemistry
students lived here, but now it had formed something between a housing
co-operative and a feudal settlement. Are you there, Kolya? That fool's guests
have arrived too early again! It's the militia. Let a fellow sleep, can't you! Yes, come in! Oh, hi! Come on in. - I got married. Meet Liza.
- Pleased to meet you. Kolya, can I have a word with you? A splendid morning, madam. I wouldn’t say so! They’re calling from the far room. The hearing is like this here. I’ll give you the key
from Ivanopulo’s room. He has left for 6 months.
So, feel at home. A good variant. A key from the apartment
where there is money. - Good bye!
- Good bye! Come and visit us. - There they go inviting people again!
- They eat at the vegetarian canteen! Can a fellow have a moment of sleep? I wonder what that medical
student did with the mattress. He should better have sold this skeleton. Where are you, marshal? Come on in. But where are we going to sleep? We’ll settle with comfort. Don’t pay attention.
It is Ivanopulo’s property. So, we’ll have a wink of a sleep and
then will go to the Furniture Museum. By the way, here is your share, mister person close to the emperor. 200 roubles. No need to count, you're not in the Church
where everyone's cheating. A souvenir. I took it from Madam Gritsatsueva,
for keepsake. What an exotic woman - a poet’s dream. I… I… I won’t go to that vegetarian
canteen anymore. Enough of that mock rabbit
made from carrots, or pea sausages. So you prefer poor animal's meat
to a vegetarian die-it? - It's diet.
- Diet. - So, it's meat?
- Yes. Kolya realized for the first time
in three months of married life that his beloved liked sausages
of carrots, potatoes, and peas less than he did. But - meat! Meat would make an enormous
hole in his budget. My dear girl, - All diseases stern from meat.
- So what! If you eat too much meat,
you'll be unable to resist infection. Let it! “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family
is unhappy in its own way." Leo Tolstoy,
Anna Karenina, Part 1. - Leo Tolstoy didn't eat meat either.
- Not when he wrote War and Peace. - Or Anna Karenina as well
- He stuffed himself with meat! Don’t interfere into our family life! Anyway, why do you keep nagging
me about your Tolstoy? Me nagging you? Nagging you about Tolstoy? Where are you going? Leave me alone.
Farewell, you loser. Liza! - She's gone to drown herself!
- No, she’ll buy meat! Liza, come back! Will you guys shut up! All right, what do you see
before you? - A bed.
- Right. A bed. Or, rather, a piece of furniture.
What does it bespeak? It bespeaks immense fortune
which was not earned but which was owned
by the corrupt aristocracy! Young lady, no touching
the furniture in the museum. - I’m sorry.
- You should know the rules. Only deformed imagination
of the decaying classes could create this bulky furniture, let alone the fact there is nothing common people can do
on such so-to-say beds. It’s not funny. - May I come closer?
- Yes. Only don’t touch it. Oh my God, oh my God. - Keep calm, Michelson.
- Oh, my God - this is the last room,
and there are no chairs. Marshal, you positively
need treatment by electricity. A chair isn't a needle
in a haystack. We'll find it. - These ones?
- No. All right. Wait here. Comrade Bender. - What are you doing here?
- Just came here on a blind chance. - I quarreled with my husband.
- Oh, really? I’ll be back in a mo. So… - Elizaveta…
- Petrovna. - Pleased to meet you.
- Ippolit Matveevich. Glad to meet you. - What?
- Take a seat. Thank you very much. Well, you know… Ahem… - Now it’s spring in Paris.
- Have you been in Paris? - On many occasions.
- Are you a scientist? Yes, to a certain extent. And how old are you, if it's
not an indiscreet question? That has nothing to do with
the science which I am at present representing. But, anyway - thirty, forty, - fifty?
- Almost. Thirty-eight. - You don’t say so!
- Yes, yes. Oh! You look much younger. You’re flattering me,
you little mischievous girl. How do you explain the fact that
the furniture sent to your museum - from Stargorod isn't here?
- What do you mean? What did you say? When will you give me
the pleasure of seeing you again? And where has
comrade Bender disappeared? Forget about Bender.
Is today all right? - Today?
- Please! - Today, if you like. Come and see us.
- No, let's meet outside. The weather's
so wonderful at present. It's mischievous May, it's magical May, - who is waving his fan of freshness!
- Mayakovsky’s poem? I think so. Today, then? - How strange you are.
- Thank you. I'm sorry, but we have to go
somewhere urgently. - I’m sorry.
- I’m sorry, too. Good-bye, Elizaveta Petrovna! See you in the evening! - What happened!
- Coacher! - Coacher!
- Coacher! Whoah! To the auction! My God, my God… They're the ones. Silence! Excuse me, can I buy
these chairs? Come tomorrow.
The auction has finished for today. Thank you. You may consider
the chairs are in our pocket. You should pray to me! There will be wine and women
and playing cards for you! Vorobyaninov had 200 roubles on him. The ex social lion was ready to dazzle Liza with
the scale of his entertaining. This way, please. - Excuse me!..
- One minute, sir. - Excuse me!..
- In a moment. Exc… We want to order something.
Yes, yes! This table was reserved -
please move to another one. I beg your pardon. It’s a table for foreigners. Indeed! Veal cutlets are 2.25. a fillet is 2.25, and vodka is... Indeed! We are a premium-class restaurant. - Would you like to…
- I'm not at all hungry. Or wait, comrade, have you anything vegetarian? We don't serve vegetarian dishes. All right, then bring us some
sausages. These at 1.20 each. And a bottle of vodka. What will you have with the vodka?
Fresh caviar? Smoked salmon? Nothing. - How much are the salted gherkins?
- 5 kopeks each. All right, let us have two. I've never been here
before. It's very nice. Ye-es. Here you go. Thank you very much. Would you like some flowers? For your lady! - Bravo!
- I'm going. You stay. As a member of the upper
class I cannot allow that. For you!.. What? Please don't... Don't! Don't! Let's go to a hotel! Waiter! A bottle of champagne! Boors! Bring the champagne! A figure depicting Justice! Made of bronze. Vasily, hold up the Justice. 5 roubles. - Who'll bid more?
- Six! - 6 roubles in front.
- Six and a half. They would be all astir should they know what
is hidden in these chairs. 9 roubles - one! 9 roubles - two! 9 roubles - three! The Justice is sold! Lady in the six row on the left,
please pay up. Ten chairs from a palace. - Why from a palace?
- Listen and stop fooling! - 80 roubles!
- Ninety! One hundred! One hundred and five! One hundred and ten! Why don't you bid? Get out! One hundred and twenty! - 125!
- 130! 145! A hundred and forty-five,
fifth row on the right. Going! 145, going for the second time! 145, going for the third time! 200! Going! 200, going for the second time! 200, going for the third time! Sold! - Mama!
- Well, chairman, was that effective? Oh, yes! - Was it you who bought the chairs?
- Yes, us! - When can we have them?
- Now if you like. Pay up 230 roubles. Why 230 and not 200? 15 per cent commission
is included. Well, I suppose that's all
right. Here you are. I have 200. Let me have 30 roubles, pal, and make it snappy. Can’t you see
the young lady's waiting? Well? - I don't have the money.
- And the 200 roubles? I... I... lost it. Give me the money, you old bastard! Well, are you going to pay? One moment, there's been
a slight hitch. Why the commission?
We don't know anything about that. You should have warned us.
I refuse to pay the 30 roubles. Very well, I'll see to that. In accordance
with auctioneering regulations, persons refusing to pay the full sum
of money for items purchased must leave the hall. Please leave! The effect was terrific. The smooth operator had not
suffered such a blow for a long time. An outrageous system. We should complain to the militia! It's the hell of a thing. Making the working people
pay through the nose. 230 roubles for ten old chairs. It's mad! - Yes.
- Isn't it? - It’s real mad.
- It is. That's for the militia. That's for the high price of chairs. That's for going
after girls at night. That's for being a dirty old man. Now get out of here! - That's done it.
- What has? They're selling the chairs
separately, that's what. Admire what you have done! What are they saying? Let’s go, Kid! Be careful, Gavrila. You go to the 2nd floor. - So?
- A gorgeous gal. She brought the chairs
to Varsalovsky Alley 17, apartment 17. Take one rouble. Gimme more, uncle. The ears of a dead donkey.
Get them from Pushkin. On your way, defective one. Gimme more, uncle… So, we know the whereabouts
of nine chairs. - There is still a hope.
- Yes. We shouldn’t lose hope. The only trouble is the tenth chair. I'll stake nine to one. Well, that’s a good combination. The hearing is continued. Listen, you, Don Juan, the chairs should be struck
while the iron is hot. We should act boldly.
Be more cynical - people like it. But we shouldn't do
anything criminal. We've got to keep on the right side of the law. William Shakespeare's vocabulary has been estimated
at 12 thousand words. The vocabulary of a Negro
from the Mumbo Jumbo tribe amounts to 300 words. Ellochka Schukina managed
easily and fluently on thirty. Ho-ho! By ho-ho! Ellochka could
express all kind of things. In this particular case
she meant the following: “I swear by my honor,
I can make a gorgeous gown from this shirt of my husband -
not even worse than that snooty American girl has! Men will tremble
when they see me like this. They will follow me
to the edge of the world, hiccupping with love.
But I shall be cold.” Ho-ho! Cool! Hello, Elena dear. Yo, Kid. What's this? - Where did the chairs come from?
- Ho-ho! Translated as: “Aren’t these
chairs cute? You must admit your wife
has an exquisite taste.” Yes, they're nice chairs. - A present from someone?
- Oho! “Don’t be naive - who would
make me such a present?” What? Do you mean
you bought them? - What the hell!
- Ha-ha! - “You're being vulgar!"
- But it's outrageous! You're living beyond your means. - Don't tell me how to live!
- No, let's have a serious talk. - I earn 200 rubles.
- Gloom! I don't take bribes, don't steal money,
and don't know how to counterfeit it. We can't go on like this.
We will have to get a divorce. Super! And where did you get
that idiotic jargon from? Don't tell me how to live! No, this is absolutely intolerable. Let's get divorced peaceably.
You'll have this room. You'll get 100 roubles a month. Even 120. Live how you like, - I can't go on this way.
- Great! I'll move in with Ivan Alexeevich.
He's away for summer. - Ter-r-rific!
- Only there's no furniture. I'll have the desk,
and take this chair. - I think I have the right to, don't I?
- Cool! Oho? On business. A beautiful fur! Ho-ho. It's Mexican jerboa. It can't be. They made a mistake You were given a much better fur. It's Shanghai leopard. Yes, leopard.
I recognize it by the shade. - You see how it reflects the sun.
- You're the right kind of kid. You're surprised, of course,
by this early visit from a stranger. Ho-ho! - But I've come on a delicate matter.
- Aha. You were at the auction yesterday and made a remarkable
impression on me. - Super!
- You bought the chairs. Only with your female intuition could have chosen
such an artistic object. Darling, darling. Sell me the chairs, dear lady. - Ho-ho!
- 12 roubles. You're being vulgar, kid! In Europe now and in the best
homes in Philadelphia it's fashionable
to pour tea through a strainer. It's remarkably effective
and elegant. A diplomat I know has just arrived
back from Vienna - and brought me one as a present.
- Ho-ho! Ho-ho! Oho! Let's make an exchange. You give me the chairs
and I'll give you the tea-strainer. Cool! Kindly give me the second chair. Ho-ho. Ho-ho what? Where is
the second chair? We are free words, let’s fly To a white mountain
reaching the sky… To the far sea
with an endless beach, To where ev… Caretaker! Caretaker! Caretaker! The situation was awful. A full-grown man
with a moustache and higher education was standing naked
on a ninth-floor landing in the centre of Moscow.
There was nowhere he could go. He would rather have gone to jail than show himself in that state. There was only one thing to do - hide. End of Part One 12 CHAIRS PART TWO
The hearing is continued The House of the Peoples
was in turmoil. Poet Nikifor Lapis Trubetskoi was completely at home here and knew the quickest
ways to the oases where royalties gushed from
clear springs "Pharmaceutical magazine
Hygroscopic Herald" in the broad-leafed shade
of specialized magazines. - Good morning.
- Ah, Nikifor! - Hi.
- Hi. I've written a marvelous poem. What about? Ours is
a medical magazine, as you know. I took it into account. The Ballad of the Gangrene. That's interesting. It's about time we introduced
prophylaxis in popular form. So, The Ballad of Gangrene. Gavrila took to bed with gangrene. The gangrene made Gavrila sick. Problematic magazine
"Bride and Groom" Ballad of Unfaithfulness. Gavrila was an unfaithful husband - He was unfaithful to his wives! What do you think
about the beginning? Well, it's good, but not
quite good. Ours is a magazine for young people, and you're describing
an unreal situation. It's anti-pedagogical. Where did you see
unfaithful husbands? I have never seen
an unfaithful husband. Also it's our Soviet husbands,
our Soviet wives. Yes, it's not a typical case. Right you are, I think you are right. I have another variant: Gavrila was an exemplary husband, Gavrila was faithful
to all his wives. There you are. That's a lot better and a lot more actual. Satirical magazine 'Pimento' Ballad of the Migraine: Gavrila was a bureaucrat, Oh, yes, a bureaucrat he was. Cinematographic magazine
'The Bleak Screen' The Ballad of Nonsense Gavrila was a fireman - He was allowed to make a film. Is it you splashing water about?
What a place to take a bath. You must be crazy! Instead of crying, you ought
to go to the bathroom. Just look at yourself.
You look like a picador. - The key...
- What key? - Of the ap-ap-apartment.
- Where the money is? - So you are engineer Schukin?
- Ye-yes. - So you can't get into the apartment.
- Ye-yes. But it's so simple. You absolutely saved my life! You know, I almost went crazy. You seemed to be getting
on that way. - But I came on business.
- I'll be pleased to help you. Grand merci! It's a piddling matter. Your wife asked me to stop by
and collect this chair. Certainly. Here. Thank you very much! He killed him... Will you excuse me... I'm a reporter. What happened? Write down: Knocked down by a horse. Hello, is that Pimento's
editorial office? It's Nikifor Trubetskoi speaking. Comrade Parizhansky, can I
get my royalties today? I'm badly in need of money. The bailiff made an inventory
of all my furniture. Yes, and they might take it away. So what I didn't return
the advance payment. What? Excuse me, I'm looking for Nikifor Lapis-Trubetskoi. You have no right to take
away my furniture! Outrageous! And you had no right
to make an inventory. It's not a piece of luxury -
it's my instrument! My sitting and writing instrument!
Outrageous! I will return the debt.
In a week. Put that chair down! I'm sorry, there's been a misunderstanding. It often happens
in this kind of work! Bureaucrats! Get out! How many times
have I told you it's a sin to steal. For a master-mind,
father of Russian democracy, and a person close to the emperor,
you've the character of a petty criminal. Remember: should you
get into prison, forget about me
bringing things to you. After all, you're not my
mother, sister, or lover. Darling, there is not a thing
I can't do for you. I remember the day
you came out of the blue. There you stood before me,
graceful so and refined - And imme-diately
I lost my peace of mind. Ingenious! - Come in.
- Is this Trubetskoi's apartment? Yes, I'm Lapis Trubetskoi. So, it's you? Tut-tut, comrade. You turned away the courier on duty. - What courier?
- You know whom I mean. Lady, kindly get up from this chair. Keep sitting. They have
no right to do so. In your place I wouldn't
talk about rights. - Give away this piece of furniture.
- You won't dare. Showing resistance to an official
on duty - Chapter 215 of the Criminal
Code. Lady, you'll stand witness. - What's your name?
- She is my wife. False evidence - Chapter
321 of the Criminal Code. Either you get up,
or he'll end up in prison. At last. Don't start a conflict.
You should observe the law. - I'm estranging your chair.
- No, you're not. No, I am! Good luck! Bureaucrat! Fine. Every chair tore open
increases our chances. Today I'll take care
of the publishing aspect. 'Tool' Daily, in The House of Peoples. The buzz in The House of Peoples
today could be only compared to that very moment at a horse market when everyone is running
after a pickpocket. Where is The Tool magazine? - Good afternoon.
- How can I help you? This article... Citizen O. Bender was knocked
down yesterday on Semenovskaya Square
by horse-cab. The victim was unhurt
except for slight shock. - So?
- The address. - Whose address?
- Bender's address, of a gentleman wearing
yellow shoes. TIME IS MONEY Comrade Bender! Comrade Bender! Comrade Bender! My dear squirrel!
My sweet cockerel! 'Editor' The chances are increasing, but still there are no diamonds. Farewell, darling!.. Oh, mister marshal... What did you find out
about Columbus Theatre? The situation is highly unfavorable. What? Report the situation then. Today is the end of the season. The theatre is leaving
on a tour tomorrow. Oh, damn! The chairs are crawling
away like cockroaches. Four chairs are leaving. One chair stays somewhere
in the city. Out of two hares we should
choose the fattest one. Yes, indeed. Well, let's go the theatre. I have called you together, gentlemen, to tell you
an unpleasant piece of news. An Inspector-General is coming. - What, an Inspector-General?
- What, an Inspector-General? Yes, an Inspector
from St. Petersburg, incognito. And with secret instructions, too. A pretty how-do-you-do! As if we hadn't enough
trouble without an Inspector. INSPECTOR-GENERAL Text - by N. Gogol
Dialogues - by Galkin,
Remarks - by Palkin Lyrics - by Malkin,
Choreography - by Chalkin
Interludes - by Zalkind Staged by Nik. Sestrin The sounds of fragile cane could be heard in the darkness. - Two lovers...
- 'The cane rustles, the trees bent'. What a wonderful idea. The song itself seems
to have nothing to do with all this, but - what a deep sense! A real deep talent. So, I gathered you, gentlemen, to tell you a most unpleasant
piece of news. An Inspector-General is coming. We can see our chairs,
the inspector is on his way, so we can leave. Charge! - Down with them!
- Down with the governor! Shame upon Lyapkin-Tyapkin! - Take your hands off me!
- Freedom to private capital! An ingenuous idea! The restless intelligentsia
among the populace. What a deep insight... Long live the merchants! Down with bribes! What a wonderful symbol - alienation from the people
and fiasco. Dear Katya, it was quite timely that
I received the money that you have sent me.
Thank you. I didn't find engineer Bruns
in Rostov - he was bought over to work in Baku, so this is where I'm intending
to leave now. Don't be sad, we'll have to wait but a little more, and, God grant it, we'll
settle in Samara soon and we'll buy a candle factory. Our own... They have already loaded
the chair. The ship doesn't take on
passengers. It's a special voyage. - What?
- See that sign? The ship was rented
by a lottery operator. They are going to sell bonds
along the route. - Where does theatre come in?
- Can't you see? The theatre will propagate
this idea in a form appealing to the populace. But we are neither the theatre
nor the lottery committee. What do we do then? One moment! Forward! - I'm telling you: he fell ill.
- Why didn't you warn me beforehand? - You'll have a personal cabin.
- The artist fell ill all of a sudden. Outrageous! Go and bring
another one. You will have a separate cabin. - The ship is leaving in minutes.
- Then you'll draw by yourself. - I can't draw!
- It's not my problem. A separate suite for you
is waiting. - Your ticket!
- Hey, you, goggle-eyed, the one who needs an artist!
Yes, I'm talking to you! - What?
- And you can come along with us now? - Right now?
- Yes. That will be difficult, but I'll try. - Your terms?
- It's piecework, at union rates. - Oh, no.
- But free meals and a separate cabin. All right, I accept.
But I have a boy with me. - What boy?
- An assistant. - There are no funds for a boy.
- Well, in this case... He can live in your cabin,
at your own expense. - The key.
- They key? - From an apartment with money?
- I beg your pardon? I said - the kid is smart.
He's used to Spartan conditions. Here. What are you standing there
like a coy suitor for? Let this citizen aboard.
Here's his pass. - It this your boy?
- That's the one. If anyone says he's a girl,
I'm a Dutchman! Stand here. If anyone comes,
sing louder. - What shall I sing?
- Anything but 'God Save the Tsar'. I see. Dear comrades! I announce the beginning
of our rally! Plume in the summerwind Waywardly playing Ne'er one way swaying
Each whim obeying Yet all felicity Is her bestowing No joy worth knowing Is there but wooing. Yes, heart of woman Ev'ry way bendeth Woe who de... dependeth On joy I spend! - We'll do it at night.
- Gotcha. I got it! Give it to me! With this chair
Craftsman Hambs begins a new batch of furniture
St. Petersburg 1865 But where are the jewels? You're remarkably shrewd,
my dear chair-hunter. As you see, there aren't any. Shut up, sadness! Stop slapping yourself
with your ears so sadly. Some day we'll have the laugh
on the stupid eighth chair in which we found the silly box. Cheer up!
There are three more chairs. Ninety-nine chances out of a hundred. Everyone to the lottery! The transparent should be
painted and stretched on this 3 per 4 meters frame. - Will you make it by the evening?
- You may rest assured that the transparent will be
performed in a most artistic way. - That's it.
- Very well. Can you draw? That's a pity.
Unfortunately, I can't, either. What about lettering? Can't do that either? Too bad. We are supposed to be artists. Do it! Now they are gonna kick us out. For what? 'Hurrah!' A lecture entitled
'A Fruitful Opening Idea' and a simultaneous chess match
on 160 boards will be given by Grossmeister
O. Bender Bring your own chessboards.
Participation - 50 kopeks. 'Cardboard Worker Club' - Enough. How much?
- 35 roubles. - They'll beat us up.
- When they hit you, you can cry. And now you go to the pier,
hire a boat - and wait for me.
- But, Comrade Bender, - how are you going to play?
- I’m in good form today. I’ll make my first move to King four,
and then we’ll see. One moment… Comrades and brother chess players! The subject of my lecture is
A Fruitful Opening Idea. What, brothers, is an opening? And what, comrades, is an idea? Can you tell me? An opening, comrades, is quai una fantasia. Well, you know what
I mean, don't you. And what, comrades, is an idea? An idea, comrades,
is a human thought molded in logical chess form. Even with insignificant forces you can master the whole
of the chessboard. It all depends on each separate
individual. Some of you play well,
yet others don't play very well. And no amount of lecturing can
change this correlation of forces until each separate individual keeps practicing checks every hour, every minute. Ehh... I mean, chess.
Let's continue. Do you know that your club
‘Four Knights’, given a clever approach, can change the status
of the town Vasyuki? That’s why I suggest that you hold and international
chess tournament here! Chess enthusiasts will come
from all over the world. Hundreds of thousands
of well-to-do people will head for Vasyuki. So the state will
have to build a main line from Moscow to Vasyuki.
They'll build hotels and skyscrapers to accommodate the visitors, a palace where the tournament
will be held. An extra-high power radio station
will be broadcasting the sensational
results of the tournament. Airport ‘Bigger Vasyuki’ from where planes and airships
will fly to all parts of the world including Rio de Janeiro
and Melbourne. Just imagine! KING-FOUR RESTAURANT THE CLUB OF FOUR KNIGHTS PASS-PAWN HOTEL BEER HALL ‘MATE IN TWO MOVES’ RESTAURANT ‘TIME CRUNCH’ KING-FOUR HOTEL ROME - VASYUKI PARIS - VASYUKI Just think what will happen
when the tournament is over and the visitors have left. Muscovites crowded together
on account of the housing shortage will come flocking to your
beautiful town. The capital will be automatically
transferred to Vasyuki. Vasyuki will be renamed New Moscow, and Moscow will become Old Vasyuki. Chess thinking will become
an applied science and will invent ways
of inter-planetary communication. Communication with Venus
will be as easy as going from Rybinsk to Yaroslavl. And the first
interplanetary chess tournament will be held in Vasyuki. The first interplanetary
tournament between the teams of Vasyuki and Great Bear will end with a confounding
victory of Vasyukians! - Hurrah, comrades!
- Hurrah! He has played pawn to king four. On the remaining boards
Ostap made the same move - pawn to king four. At the third move it became clear that in 18 games the Grossmeister
was playing a Spanish gambit. In the other 12 the blacks played
the old-fashioned, thought fairly reliable,
Philidor defense. If Ostap had known he was using
such cunning gambits and countering such tested defenses, he would have been most surprised. The truth of the matter was
that he was playing chess for the second time in his life. - He sacrificed his bishop!
- Playing cat and mouse. Enticing you into a trap! He sacrificed his queen! - What do I do?
- You should resign. - Yes?
- Yes. Mate! You're checkmate,
comrade Grossmeister. Yes, indeed. Congrats - you're making
progress, young man! 'Assistance to drowning persons
is in their own hands' I had a rook on this square
a moment ago, - and now it's gone.
- If it's not, it wasn’t there at all. Where is it gone then?
Did you take it? - Yes, I took it.
- At which move? At the 15th. Don't try to confuse me
with your rook. - If you want to resign, say so!
- I have all the moves written down. - Written down my foot!
- This is disgraceful! Give me back the rook! Look, everyone, he's hitting an amateur! Catch the Grossmeister! Jerks! Stop him! - Let’s split, Pussy!
- My handbag! Come on, come on! Be quick! Watch out for your pince-nez,
Pussy, the fun is about to begin. Gentlemen, you wouldn't hit us,
would you? You'll see! Careful! You jerks! Why don't you come and get
your Grossmeister? You intended to trounce
me, didn't you? Good bye, lovers of chess thrills! Long live the Four Knights
Chess Club! Hurrah, comrades! Good morning, marshal! Bonjour. Oh, it seems to be Cheboksary! Great, we’ll sell our trophies here. We’ll have enough money
to get to Pyatigorsk where we’ll wait for the theatre. Look, marshal of the court,
and here is our chair sailing! Long time no see, chum. All right… Come here… You know, Vorobyaninov,
that chair reminds me of our life. we're also floating with the tide. People push us under
and we come up again, although they aren't too
pleased about it. No one likes us, except for the criminal
investigation department, which doesn't like us either. My, Pussy, we're out of place in all this festivity. What? My dear and precious Katya. Every hour brings us
nearer our happiness. Soon we will have
no end of money. We shall settle in Samara, in the vicinity of our factory,
drinking fruit liquor. But let me stick to the matter. In its geographical position and size of population the city of Baku is considerably greater than Rostov. But it is inferior to Kharkov. They say, kerosene is extracted here. Bruns the engineer is not here. He has moved to Batumi. It costs 15 rubles from here
to Batumi. Cable me twenty here. Your husband ever Fedya COLUMBUS Theatre
only for two days here
with the play ‘Inspector-General’ Well, ten for the whole deal. Palsie! Don't me mad. I'm a man who is suffering - from the Narzan.
- How much do you want then? Make it fifty. After all, - it's government property.
- All right, accept twenty. Agreed? I see from your eyes you agree. What? Agreement is the result of complete
non-objection on both sides. There are no flies on this one.
Take a lesson. When will you bring the chairs? Money in advance. The money in the morning,
the chairs in the afternoon. The money in the afternoon,
the chairs in the evening. The money in the evening,
the chairs in the nighttime. The money in the nighttime,
the chairs in the morning. All right, all right. What about the chairs this morning,
the money in the afternoon? No problem. But the money
should be paid in advance. The money in the morning,
and in the evening… All right, but… Come over here… The theatre is leaving tomorrow on a tour. Oh, my God, what are you doing?
My jacket! I've been wearing it for 15 years,
and it's as good as new. Don't get excited, it soon won't be. - Give me your hat.
- No. Give me your hat. Tell me, marshal, can you say in French, 'Gentleman, I haven't
eaten for six days'? - Of course.
- And? All right then. - What?
- One mo. One moment. All right then... What an accent, Pussy! - And how much German do you know?
- Why all this? Because you're now going to the park and beg for alms in French, German and Russian. The net profit will go to Mechnikov. Never, never has Vorobyaninov
held out his hand. Then you can stretch out your feet,
you silly old ass! Look at this gigolo. You've been living off me
for the last three months, and now you stand
in the third position and say ‘never’. Come off it, Comrade!
You've got two choices. Either you go right
away to the park and bring back ten
roubles by nightfall, or else I'm removing you from
the list of shareholders. I'll give you five
to decide yes or no. - One…
- Yes. In that case, repeat the words. Once again.
Make it more heart-rending. Make your intonation
more musical. With emotion. Now say it in German. All right, you know German.
Now - in Russian. In Russian. Ah, in Russian... - Give something…
- Be more serious. And with tears in your eyes! Give something to an ex-member of the Duma. All right. Ingenuous. You have a talent for begging. - You think so?
- Absolutely. Now you go, and don’t
return without money. Enough of this part... Ladies and gentlemen,
please give something to an ex-member of the Duma… THE DROP This Drop was considered
one of the sights of Pyatigorsk. It seemed to be the only place where the summer people
could come for free. Ostap intended to remove
that regrettable omission. Buy your tickets here, citizens. Ten kopeks for a ticket.
Children - five kopeks. Buy the tickets.
Children - five kopeks. Union members - ten kopeks
Non-union members… Take your place in the line. Non-union members -
thirty kopeks. - How much are the tickets?
- Union members, ten kopeks, but since representatives
of the militia can be classed as children, - they pay five kopeks.
- We’ll buy ten tickets. For what purpose is the money
being collected? For general repairs to the Drop. So it won't drop too much. Please, come on in… Come on in, please. - What’s this?
- The third chair is missing! It was already sent away
together with the scenery. What do we do? Don’t fly into hysterics. Maybe now it’s you
carrying 150 thousand, or maybe it’s me. Will you allow me… - My chair is definitely heavier.
- Let me carry it. You’re welcome. 'The Prosecutor's office' Moosie, where's the goosie? Don't keep on at me. Moosie, you haven't any pity
for your little hubby. Get out, you glutton, Kindly beg your pardon.
I'm looking for Engineer Bruns. I'm Engineer Bruns.
What can I do for you? - Have you gone crazy? Stand up.
- I won't. - Stand up.
- I won't. Moosie, come here! On you, Mother, on you, my dear,
on you I lay my hopes. What’s going on? I dare not sit in the presence
of high-ranking persons. Moosie, talk to this citizen... In my house kindly don't go down
on anyone's knees. - Dear lady Mother!
- I'm not your mother. What do you want? But why should I sell my chairs? - But they're my chairs!
- What do you mean, they're yours? Moosie - the goosie!.. Do you think I stole them
from you, then? No, no! This suite used to belong to my dear spouse who is now dying in Voronezh. I came here not out
of forwardness, but only in compliance with
the wish of my spouse. It is only to sweeten
her last few minutes that I dared to disturb you. I am ready to splurge
and pay 20 roubles for the whole set of chairs. What? 20 roubles? For a
splendid drawing-room suite? Moosie, did you hear that? - He really is a nut.
- I'm not a nut, but merely complying with the wishes
of my dying wife. Oh, hell! Moosie, he's at it again. He's crawling around again. Name your price! Don't spoil the tree! Name your price! - So?
- Moosie, - I don't think he's a nut.
- Oh? He's simply distraught
at his wife's illness. Shall we sell him the chairs
and get rid of him? Otherwise, he'll crack his skull. - And what are we going to sit on?
- We'll buy some more. - For 20 roubles?
- Suppose I don't sell them for 20, but supposing
I do sell them for 250. - I'm fed up with this!
- He’s a nut! First, move back from the palm
at least three paces. Second, stand up at once. Third, I'll sell you the chairs for 250,
and not a kopek less. It's not for personal gain,
but merely in compliance... My wife's also sick. She has
problems with her lungs. But on the strength of that
I'm not asking you to err... - sell me your jacket for 30 kopeks.
- Have it for nothing. Stop your tricks. I'm not going
to argue with you any more. Fifty! Moosie, call Erofei. Let him see this citizen
off the premises. Erofei, can I ask you for a moment. See him off and out. Fifty five! Sixty roubles.
Not for personal gain, but… Seventy! Seventy five!..
Eighty!.. Eighty five!.. Ninety!.. Ninety five!.. One hundred roubles! One hundred! One hundred and twenty five! One hundred and thirty five! One hundred and forty five! One hundred and fifty five! Damn you! 200 roubles then.
Only leave us alone. Good found. Wire me 230. Sell anything. Your Fedor. Fedor… Stop, you Moslem! Just you wait! Look at this picturesque landscape, all this beauty. And this wonderful mountain air. It’s only a five days’ trip, and ahead of us - 150 thousand
and zero kopeks. - I’m hungry!
- Bear with it, Pussy! 00 hours, 17 min, 20 sec
left to the end of the film. - Gimme the money!
- Gimme the money! Money - gimme the money! Alpine beggars! A holy cause! Gimme the money! Money - gimme the money! Gimme the money! Gimme the money! 30 kopeks. - The premiere was a success.
- Oh, yes. 'My greetings to Queen Tamara!
Peter Zh.' 'Nyura' 'Kolya and Micky, 1927' Look at that, marshal! Great people, these Kolya and Micky. let's record ourselves
for posterity, too. Honestly, I'll go up and write 'Pussy and Ossy were here'. Here… What have you done with the treasure
of your mother-in-law that you killed? Speak! Repent, you sinner! Repent! Well, of all people!
The rival concern! Catch him! He's taken our supplies! Catch him! Stop! Stop, I tell you. Give back the sausage, you fool, and I'll forget everything. I'll give back the sausage only get me down! - Mother!
- I’m no Mother to you! - I’m Queen Tamara.
- Oh, my God! In my kingdom kindly don't go down
on anyone's knees. - Not for personal gain…
- But because of your wife. - I know, I know.
- How come you know? I know all right! Why don't you stop by,
neighbour? Oh, a candle factory! We’ll have some home liquor,
we’ll play cards! I’ll drop in one of these days. Oh, angels! Not for personal gain, but only in compliance with
the wishes of Queen Tamara! Those evening bells, Those evening bells.. Those evening bells... How many a tale Their ringing tells. People, repent, all of you! Those evening bells.
Oh, my dear lady… COLUMBUS Experimental Theatre
‘Inspector-General’ Excuse me, why are you
pasting this atop Columbus? - Their tour was interrupted.
- Why? What? The tour was terminated
following the request - of the working people.
- Listen, good man! Where did that darned
theatre leave, do you know? Of course I know. - They left to Yalta.
- All right. - Let’s go.
- To Yalta? You'll soon be completely
dotty, my poor friend. You won’t be able
to walk as far as Yalta. Damn! Good luck! Buy magazine ‘Giggler’! They've been following us
for two months. - Oh, my Jesus.
- … and will probably ambush us tomorrow at the secret meeting-place. Thank you very much. We may have to shoot
our way out. Under the circumstances, we're glad
to meet a loyal patriot. I hope you’ll help us to save
the father of Russian democracy. - I'll give you a pistol.
- There's no need. I would be glad to offer
financial assistance to save the life of the father
of Russian democracy. - You're a true friend of society.
- Thank you. 500 can save the master-mind. Won't 200 save the master-mind? I consider that haggling
is somewhat out of place here. I’m sorry. We’re being shadowed again. Sing louder… Smile and sing… Now you should pay the bill
and quietly disappear. The secret Alliance!
Never surrender alive. Go. Go away, and don’t ever
come here again… Please!.. Come on, eat. Everything is all right. Coacher! To Gurzuf! Pussy… - Pussy!
- I’m here! Just in case, we’ll say we got lost. ‘Cause we are provincials.
Follow me, marshal. There it is! There is our past, present and future. Comrade Bender, what's happening? What is it? We've got to get outside
immediately. The chair! Let’s break open the chair! - The chair…
- To hell with you. Perish here with your chair, then. I value my life, if you don't. That was the first shock
of the great Crimean earthquake of 1927. It was in the way
of the smooth operator. Give me the chair now.
You're tired of holding it, I see. - I won't!
- What's this? Mutiny aboard? - Give me the chair!
- It's my chair! What? My dear Ippolit Matveevich! Ippolit Matveevich! It's there? You're dead right, it's there, Pussy. Damn you. A stroke of genius, brilliantly
carried through to the end. - An ancient adventure.
- Where is it? - Where?
- The railway-workers' club. - You know where it is?
- Yes. So, our chair is there. - There?
- In the artists’ room. Ground floor, the third window
from the corner. Today at night we’ll get into the club through that window. Nice and easy. The third window from the corner. Ground floor. Today at night. Meanwhile, my dear marshal,
we can take a rest. You may consider
the money is already ours. Today at night… What would you want
with all that money? What do you mean,
what would I want? Well, what would you buy, Pussy?
You haven't any imagination. I don't think I'll give you anything.
I don't want to spoil you. I'll take you on as a secretary 40 roubles a month and all your grub. Well, is it a deal? I was only joking. You will have heaps of money, you’ll eat creme brulee, you’ll wear cambric foot wraps. The hearing's continued. Comrade Bender is dead. - This very room?
- Yes. And here, dear citizens,
is that very surprise - that very chair I was talking about. Get up, soldier boy. I used to be the watchman.
A no-good club it was. Then, in the spring, Comrade
Krasilnikov bought a new chair. Once I clambered onto it
to fix a placard to the wall, I slipped off the chair
and the coverin' was torn off. It turned out, them bourgeois
people hid their jewelry there. - It can't be!
- Believe it or not. The club was built with them. And I was paid a bonus
of 50 silver roubles. I bought this costume on that money. Let’s go on. I’ll show you our gymnasium. Come on. It can’t be!.. It can’t be!.. ILF and PETROV Do you have a spare ticket? 12 CHAIRS The hearing is closed! Thank you for your attention! The End
