The final night of the Republican
National Convention, also known as the place where
Facebook comments come to life. And this was the night
that everyone was waiting for: the acceptance speech
of Donald "Just the Tip" Trump. But before the speech
even started, we got this incredible moment between Trump's first lady
and Melania. -(cheers, applause)
-♪ To be an American ♪ ♪ Where at least
I know I'm free... ♪ Oh, my God. Did you guys see that?
Play it again. -(cheers, applause)
-♪ To be an American ♪ ♪ Where at least
I know I'm free... ♪ Goddam! As soon as Ivanka walked by, Melania's smile disappeared faster than
all the blackface episodes of all your favorite sitcoms. And it's moments like these
add more fuel to the rumors that Melania
does not like Ivanka. And, look, I don't blame her. I mean, after all,
Ivanka's the one who's in charge of tackling Melania
when she makes a run for it. No wonder they got bad blood. But once
the traditional exchange of fake smiles was complete, President Trump descended the majestic stairs
of the White House, walked up to the podium and then delivered the longest,
most boring, low-energy Jeb Bush-ass speech of his entire life. Damn, that shit was boring. And I would be so pissed off if I was one of the people
in the audience. Because if I'm sitting
in a crowd risking catching coronavirus
to watch a Trump speech, goddamn it,
I want a Trump speech. I want to hear his plans
for locking Hillary up while chugging
hydroxychloroquine. I want him
to accuse Nancy Pelosi of creeping into your houses
at night, turning up your air conditioning
and stealing your blankets. I want to see him
hold up a big case of ten-year-old Trump steaks, say that they're
the real cure for corona and then start throwing them
into the crowd, paper towel style. But this speech... Man, this speech was like going
to a Nascar race and watching the cars
parallel park three hours. Where's the crash? Honestly, it was really weird. Because, say what you want
about Trump. The one thing we all know
about the man is that he can
give exciting speeches that hold people's attention. So why now,
with one of the most speeches he will ever have to give, did Trump resort to reading
the Wikipedia entry for History
of the 19th Century? Our American ancestors sailed across the perilous ocean
to build... These pioneers
didn't have money. Climbed into their
covered wagons and set out west
for the next advent... Davy Crockett
and Buffalo Bill... Cowboys and sheriffs... They pressed on past
the Mississippi. Built the great ships,
raised up the skyscrapers. From Normandy to Iwo Jima... And we did it all with style
and confidence and... We built
a six million-pound rocket and launched it thousands
of miles into space. Together, we are unstoppable. Together, we are unbeatable. (snorts)
Huh? What? No, I'm-I'm awa... I'm listening.
I'm listening. People, what the hell was that? Like, I don't know
what was worse-- the perilous journey
that those pioneers faced trekking across the country or having to sit through
Trump telling us about it. I mean, the last people
that told stories that boring were the actual pioneers, and that's because the only
other things they could do were chop wood or die. It's like Trump turned
Oregon Trail into an audiobook. And by the time
the speech was over, I bet half the people in the
audience died of dysentery. So, now we know-- President Trump
is a terrible president but we also know that he'd be an even worse
substitute history teacher. Sometimes you got to know
when to just play the Space Jam DVD, man.
Give up. But still, if anyone
managed to stay awake during Trump's 70-minute
Ben Carson impersonation, they might have picked up
on one major theme. You see, for months, Trump has been saying that
sleepy Joe Biden is too weak to run America. But he's also been saying that Joe Biden is a radical socialist
who's gonna destroy America. Well, how can
both of those be true? Well, now he's figured it out. Sleepy Joe Biden is so weak that other radical socialists will destroy America for him. Joe Biden is weak. He takes his marching orders from liberal hypocrites who drive their cities
into the ground while fleeing far from
the scene of the wreckage. Make no mistake,
if you give power to Joe Biden, the radical left
will defund police departments all across America. If Joe Biden doesn't
have the strength to stand up to wild-eyed
Marxists like Bernie Sanders
and his fellow radicals-- and there are many...
there are many, many. We see 'em all the time. It's incredible, actually. Then how is he ever
going to stand up for you? He's not. Biden is a Trojan horse
for socialism. Ooh. The Trojan horse of socialism. Sounds terrifying. In fact, they should
turn it into a movie. MAN: Wow, look at the amazing,
totally harmless and almost certainly empty
giant horse. MAN 2:
Now we can attack the city and give them all
universal health care. MAN 3:
Find their women and give them
paid maternity leave. MAN 4: Prepare to have
your minimum wage raised! Huh. Not as scary as I thought. Seriously, though,
it's starting to feel like "be scared of the socialists" is becoming the Republicans'
only move. Which, honestly,
is just getting old. You know?
It's like the GOP is that one friend of yours
in Street Fighter who just did the chopping thing
the entire time. -♪ ♪
-(grunting) You're not
playing the game, Justin! -♪ ♪
-(grunting) But, in a way,
the biggest message that Trump sent last night wasn't in anything
that he said at all, no. It was in the setting
of the speech, and that message
was coronavirus ain't shit. NEWSWOMAN: The South Lawn
of the White House converted into a packed convention floor. Nearly 2,000 supporters, no social distancing, and very few masks. NEWSWOMAN 2: You're seeing
people shake hands, hug, greet each other like
it would be in normal times. NEWSMAN:
It's almost as if he is trolling people who are concerned
about testing and masks and the coronavirus. NEWSMAN 2: What happened
last night was dangerous. It was in violation of
the president's administration's own health guidelines. Most people were not tested. This was something that,
indeed, could become
a super-spreader event. Yes, even in a pandemic, Trump needed
to have a packed crowd. I mean, look at that. The only empty seat
is Herman Cain's. And it wasn't just
a packed crowd. Practically nobody wore a mask and practically nobody
was tested. Trump basically decided
his speech was gonna kill one way or another. In fact, the only guest required
to wear a face mask was Stephen Miller, and that
wasn't coronavirus-related. I guess the one silver lining is that Trump's speech
was so boring that there was no risk that
anybody would spread droplets by cheering. But, in many ways, this is Trump's coronavirus
response in a nutshell. His top priority
isn't health or safety. His top priority is
making Donald Trump look good. Nearly 4,000 Americans died during the four nights
of the RNC. But Trump won't let that get in
the way of a good TV backdrop. In fact, when asked about the lack of precautions
at the speech, a White House official said, "Everybody is going to catch
this thing eventually." And if that's the attitude
of the White House, then... I'm disappointed. Because the Trump I know
doesn't quit. When he had an affair
with Stormy Daniels, he didn't just go,
"Well, everybody's gonna know about this eventually."
No. He paid her off.
He signed NDAs. He did everything he could
to make her go away. In fact, maybe we should get Trump to bang COVID-19. Then we know he'll shut it down. So, look, I don't think
Trump won a lot of voters with that one speech, but the real question is, did he change anyone's mind
about him over the course of the week? Because he was
really trying hard. In fact, if you compare
the Donald Trump of the RNC with the Donald Trump
of reality, you would hardly know
that they're the same guy. President Trump
is a kind and decent man. He truly cares about people. My dad believes in the potential
of each individual. Go home to Mommy! Tell her to tuck you in bed. They're scum.
They're human scum. "Uh, I don't know what I said. Uh, I don't remember!" I personally observed
his ability to listen and understand the issues. We have a situation where
we're looking very strongly at sinks and showers and other elements
of bathrooms. People are flushing toilets
ten times, 15 times, as opposed to once. Presidential leadership
came swiftly and effectively, with an extraordinary rescue
for health and safety to successfully fight
the COVID virus. NEWSWOMAN: Today, the death toll
in this country from COVID-19 passes 180,000. Donald Trump
is the first president, uh, in my lifetime
to actually stand up to China. Unlike Biden, I will hold them
fully accountable for the tragedy
that they caused. Well, I think China is very,
you know, professionally run in the sense that they have
everything under control. I really believe they are going
to have it under control. The goal of cancel culture
is to make decent Americans live in fear of being fired, expelled, shamed,
humiliated, and driven from society
as we know it. Wouldn't you love to see one
of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects
our flag, to say, "Get that son of a bitch
off the field right now. -"Out. He's fired.
-(cheering) He's fired!"
