TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS - a guide

hi everyone um today we're gonna talk about toxicity i know a fair deal about it because i've been in very uh toxic relationships mainly friendships but you realize you can recreate the same bonds and patterns in romantic ties what is toxicity why do we attract toxic relationships are we toxic what's toxic how do we stop toxic behavior from reappearing over and over again yeah we're gonna try to answer all of those questions today and i hope it helps so i thought i'd start by um putting a little setting and also tell you a bit about my history with toxicity and toxic relationships because from age 11 to 17 i was the victim or i was in toxic friendships with best friends that i labeled best friends but who were not at all not even best but they were not even my friends and i suffered a great deal for yeah about six years i would go to school with a very strong stomach ache i would pretend i was sick i would find the weirdest way to go home from school people that i chose to hang out with were making me feel so bad about myself and it started from jokes to um physical abuse to you know divide and conquer i remember i was in a group of several girls and we there was like a chief in that group and she would be the i don't know like she would be the leader and decide of everything we were doing and to the point that we were not even allowed to talk between each other it was it was this weird group of friends that relies around one person yeah it was really tough like i remember some days i would come to school and they were all waiting for me at the gates and on certain days they decided or that one person decided that nobody would talk to me and for the whole day i had to follow the group and everybody was ignoring me just looking at me like this not even responding and you know you you talk and everybody is just like ignoring you and they go away and you have to follow because i was petrified of being alone i put all of my value on my friendships and this group in particular and i mean that girl made me feel so sure that i would be alone if i left or if i spoke up that i never did and then years later i met this other girl who i clicked with almost instantly and we called each other best friends again and it was the same the same blaming the same physical shaming the same kind of you owe me it was just everyday madness what is a toxic relationship i'm gonna talk about friendship i think for the most part because i feel like a romantic toxic relationship is something else if you have the map of what a toxic relationship looks like it's easy to recognize it even in in family patterns let's do a disclaimer first i feel like in this day and age we use the word toxic back and forth without really knowing what it means and it's easy to say oh you're toxic like blaming kind of pointing fingers not everything is toxic and we have to define exactly what is toxicity in order not to use it when it's not even the case a toxic friendship is a friendship within which you feel unsafe you feel threatened and you feel not seen not respected to the point that you know when you encounter that that friend and when you leave you feel depleted they took something out of you people in a toxic relationships are not either the bad guy or the good guy it's deeper than that you can recognize that you're in a toxic relationship in the way you feel in this relationship in general they lower your self-esteem when you feel bad about yourself when you constantly question yourself your your goal what you aspire to in life and you yeah you lose that confidence in yourself because of that friendship that's a strong sign that it's not a good friendship how do you know you may be in a a relationship that is not good for you that is not serving you well first of all your body displays signs of uneasiness shortness of breath pain as i said depression anxiety fidgeting you feel sick around that person anything that belongs to the body realm and your body acting up is a strong sign it's not a good relationship second you dread encounters you feel stressed when you go see that person and you feel even more stressed or sad or insecure when you leave you walk on eggshells you have to constantly watch what you say because they are extremely sensitive and they take everything you do or say the wrong way without letting you the benefit of the doubt or or it's it's like um a tyrannical way of experiencing a bond with a human being you cannot make a wrong move you can you don't have the right to do mistakes don't get me wrong it's not about being insensitive when you're in friendship you know that there are some triggers um for that person that you should obviously avoid but if you constantly have to pre-write what you're gonna say or you know you feel stressed about even opening your mouth around that person because you know that they'll find something to blame you for not healthy they punish you they punish you when you disobey they punish you when you you do something that they deem wrong um and when i say punishing i think of the silent treatment making you pay for it in any way um bullying making fun of you um you feel like you're their target that's ways of punishing you know turning everybody against you encouraging people to laugh at you punishing this one is a bit tricky but i will put it in toxicity as well they don't push you they do not want to see you succeed they are jealous of your success they're jealous of your happy relationship if you have a partner they're jealous of your professional success even at school they're jealous of the greats that you have they're jealous of maybe the relationship that you have with a teacher they're just jealous and they don't want you to to be above them in a way if you say oh my dream is to be i don't know a singer they will find every argument to tell you that this is a wrong idea like you should not be a singer you don't even sing that good like do you know it's so hard to get to that point like what do you think why would you succeed like you have nothing um yeah that's quite unhealthy and the final one which is my favorite because it's the most vicious one the hot and cold the love bombing in between in between cycles of punishing like silent treatment and then they come back all loving and you know saying oh you're my best friend i can't live without you i love you so much let's hang out let's do something or buy new gifts kind of buying back your friendship or your affection um and it goes in in in cycles love bombing like too much love all of a sudden is usually a sign that something's wrong pretty sure that you can attest like if if if somebody is so wrong to you so warm to you in the beginnings and they're just um sorry my neighbors are watching me that's toxic they're pretend to be angels they they love you so much oh my god you're my world you're my you're my life i love you so much this is this is it stinks a bit something is under the rug i'm telling you now i want to briefly explain why people can feel toxic because as i said earlier it's never black or white it's never their fault you you're at fault for attracting people like this there's something that you do that is wrong or you need you know to practice this um and they're attracted or they tend to be toxic for good reasons as well usually these people suffer from deep deep deep-rooted insecurities basically they hate themselves we all have the potential to be toxic to somebody and i think we've all been toxic to somebody when we hurt so deeply so unconsciously we tend to um act it out on others because it feels like a little revenge it feels like they're in control because they're an area in their lives that where they don't feel in control and usually it starts in childhood for example um it was so early in in my i was in school i was like 11. so we're talking about children who can still display these kinds of behavior the two girls that were the worst in my life um suffered from very very bad relationships with their parents how can you at 11 have the distance that you require to understand why you're acting like this you on the other on the other hand if you were in my place for example and it's flash news it's also something that is unsettling new um [Music] usually the toxic ones will find the fragile people pleasing ones but in that setting so if i'm the fragile one being bullied [Music] and i can't get away it's because deep down i want to be loved so bad and i want to please and being ignored and rejected are things that i've known my whole life i've been taught that love is something that is earned and not given so not unconditional um when your parents loved you conditionally it sets you up to be a people pleaser for the rest of your life unless you realize that this is trading you and that you know the only person that you need to please is you and the only person that you need to protect and you know gain respect from is you you want to please they want revenge they want to feel powerful you want to feel like you've earned their love because that's the only way you consider love match made in heav hell there's like a pool like magnets so which leads me to the last part of this video which is what can we do once you've realized that your friendship is not serving you or is not based on on on healthy foundation what do you do to escape those relationships there are a couple things that you can do when you realize that this friendship is not it's not the best for you first of all with the knowledge that they suffer as much as you do from different things but they do suffer nobody that is stable and happy in their lives would ever make somebody feel bad on purpose period so what you can do is of course talk to them approach them honestly if you well that's under one condition if you feel that this friendship is still worth keeping like if you see that there's there are things that are great to you like this might be like a trait a tendency but there are other things that you you like in that person it's never like you hate the person completely they also have qualities and if you think that that friendship belongs in your life or that you want to keep it but you want to better it talk to them basically what's up or even go to them as in hey i feel like you're a bit tense lately would you is there anything wrong how can i help like turning around come with an open hand and ask them what's up um you might not be welcomed with with a with the same um vulnerability that's for sure but you can always try you know the people are not monsters i don't know anybody that is fully a monster there's always a little bit of white in that black pool as bad as the scene try that talk what's up i feel bad about this i'd rather you don't make comments on this blah blah blah see what's up what's up be involved in in in your life it's also your life they're not scary they do not have the power that you gave them you gave them that power they do not rule your life they do not rule the school they do not rule anything they are people just like you they're human beings with with flaws and traumas and scars just like you so approach them in that um with that knowledge second i would say we go a little bit up in the in the firmness set boundaries if they make comments about your body for example or your physical appearance just say it on the spot as the comment is made i would like you to not laugh about it anymore they might be like i was just a joke it's never just a joke all of that crap is defense mechanism well it's a refusal to to recognize their responsibilities in the way they act it's not your business life all you want pretend that i'm sensitive or you won't i would like you to not comment on my body ever again oh i'd like you to not call me at night i'd like you to not interfere in my relationship with others these relationships tend to be porous as in they're everywhere in your life they interfere in your relationships with partners other friends people at school people they want to be your world so they'll act like it boundaries this is my time alone with that person this is my time alone with my boyfriend my girlfriend my partner and tell them when something is not okay they'll never get it themselves if they'll never get it you can look sad you can kind of you know be the victim act like the victim which in a way you may be but this will only feed their love for power and control i understand how hard it is but i swear things would have been different and if i had done that before and then the last one cut ties i've done that um would i say it was the best um decision nobody knows it's like a break up basically break up like i can't do this anymore bye um i was welcomed with a very very passionate response from both of them but uh you know it's my safety first my my mental health and physical health first there are other people they can make you feel like they're the only people that would ever hang out with you this is not the case this is untrue in so many ways this isn't true there are people that want the best for you out there because you deserve the best if you don't want the best for yourself how can you believe that somebody else will i know it's hard but i'm telling you that there are people who want the best for you and that will not hurt you and if they do they'll they'll recognize it they'll acknowledge it and they'll say sorry and correct their behavior just the way you would do for them if you have to be alone for a couple days weeks it's still better than being with somebody that it's slowly killing your self-esteem to reach their level because remember they hate themselves they might turn the blame around and say that you're not a good friend you didn't do this and then that when you explain something to somebody when you come up to somebody with something that you'd like to talk about that you would like to change maybe or you know and they welcome you with blame in return not a good sign don't let them make you feel like you're wrong for confronting them you're not you're you're defending yourself it's it's normal and it's honest and it's beautiful nobody should make you feel bad about standing up for yourself sometimes you you will have to walk away without an apology without closure without a reason why they acted like that it's better to walk away focus on your life work on having good fulfilling stable two-sided friendships to this day i can say that i have the best friendships i could ask for i love my friends to death i would do anything for them they would do anything for me you have to put yourself in the condition to welcome those friendships and when you've got parasites in in your life it's harder for the good people to come in you have to make room for for the good relationships to to grow on this beautiful soil that you made for yourself one last word i know how overwhelming a toxic relationship can be in one's life i know how powerless you feel when you've got somebody that is constantly making you feel bad about yourself bad about your life that you know i i know how it's like you need to have somebody that reminds you your worth if you cannot do it yourself if you cannot find the love in yourself to to tell yourself that you're worth it and you you deserve the most beautiful relationships in this world find somebody that will and i'm telling you that you deserve the best and you deserve to have friendships that grow with you that make you feel powerful that make you feel loved that make you feel like you've got support foundation in your life you deserve it i trust you i love you i was in your situation we can talk about it in the comments i can i can go into more details if you want if you have questions please feel free to ask them i it would be my pleasure to tell you all about it um i hope this helped let me know in the comments what's your history with all that what's your experience if you've had any toxic relationships and how did you come out of them um we can talk about it i'm open for everything as always and yeah i'll see you in another video and i hope you like that one so bye bisous

Channel: Mara Lafontan

Views: 23,691

Rating: 4.9674468 out of 5

Keywords: mental health, self help, awareness, relationships advice

Id: FADlA9BwpXc

Length: 21min 31sec (1291 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 23 2020