Transcriber: Camila Lin
Reviewer: Helen Chang I got an email from a teacher
informing me that my daughter had neglected to
do our assignment again. I felt like my head
was going to explode. I was angry at the teacher for implying
that I was slacking as a parent and I was angry at
my daughter for slacking. So when she came down, I pounced. Why can't you just get the work done?
How hard can this be? Then I noticed tears
welling up in her eyes. And I got this flashback to
how I thought at her age every single time I got scolded-- ashamed, alone, defeated--
feelings I carry with me to this day, and I had sworn I was never going to
make my daughter feel that way if I could help it. Right now, I could help it. So I took a deep breath. I looked her in the eye
and I said, “How can I help?” Well, it could have easily become
a heated situation of blame and shame became this beautiful moment of connection
because I made the choice. And every parent in every moment
with their teen has the same choice. We just don’t always realize it, often because we tend to blame the
difficulty of raising teens on the teens. We tried to mold and shape them
into our expectations. When they resist or don’t fit, we get angry at them, and this starts the
cycle of resentment and conflict and pain. But we can choose
to break that toxic cycle. All we have to do
is stop trying to control our teens and focus on what we can control:
how we show up for them. How hard can it be? Well, there’s three obstacles
that just keep getting on our way. Our beliefs, our assumptions
and our approach. Let’s break it down. The first is our beliefs
about teens as a whole. Everyone else is telling you that adolescence is this challenging
period we just need to survive, that it’s inevitable that they’re going to
rebel and push us away. And I am telling you, the teen years is a time we can feel
most connected to our kids, that it is our greatest opportunity
to ensure they thrive. The irony is, it’s our very belief that
the teen years are going to be tough, that make them tough. Let me show you what I mean. When I say GO, look around the room
and identify for red items. Ready? Go. All right, look at me. Now, tell me
four yellow items you just saw. If you’re like most people, you can’t,
unless you peeked. Why? Because there's far too much information
for us to process. So our brain hones in on what it deems
important and filters out the rest. Now imagine those red items are the behaviors that confirm your belief
that your teen said is disrespectful, an eye rolled, a snarky tone. The yellow items are behaviors
that counter that belief: a flicker of hurt, a glance for approval. They’re right in front of us
and we miss them. The most heartbreaking part of this is that our kids inherit these negative
beliefs about themselves. I asked the teens I work with to tell me three things they like about
themselves and three things they don’t. Many struggle to come up with
just one positive thing, but that list in negative goes on and on. I’m lazy, I’m selfish. I’m messy. When I ask them: “why do you
believe this about yourselves?” They shrug. My parents tell me all the time. Our focus feeds the very behaviors
we are trying to prevent. So what if, instead, we became intentional
at seeking out what they did right? I’m not talking about the A’s or
winning the basketball game, I’m talking about the important little
things, like telling us a joke just to make us laugh or remembering
to put the dishes in the sink. The more positive things we see, the better we feel about our kids, the better they feel about themselves
and more positive experiences we have. And now a new cycle has begun and we’re ready to tackle
the second obstacle: our assumptions. My clients, Bob and Sandra, were concerned about the amount of time
their son spent playing video games. They had tried setting time limits
and shutting off the Wi-Fi, and their son kept finding
a way around it. They were fed up. And I told them, it’s not
your son that’s the problem. It's the assumptions you're
making about him. Like, it’s easy for him to do
what you ask, but he’s choosing not to, or he enjoys making your life miserable, or he’s just trying to avoid
his responsibilities. Now, see through the lens of
how most of us view teens, these assumptions make sense. But let’s step into his shoes.
Repeat after me. Irish wristwatch Swiss wristwatch. Most people stumble over that
if they even attempt it. Would it be fair to assume it’s because
you’re being lazy or disrespectful? No, but our assumptions
about our teens are just as unfair. I've been working with teenagers
for over two decades now, and I've got one of my own, and I'm going
to let you in on a little secret. No teen wants to get in trouble
or disappoint you. In fact, they crave your approval
and acceptance more now than ever. But our negative assumptions don't
give them a fighting chance. They tell me, no matter how hard
I try, I get in trouble. I can't do anything right. I give up. What if instead of assuming the worst, we give them the benefit of the doubt
and we listen to what they need? Bob and Sandra did, and they learned
that their son was deeply depressed and gaming with his friends was the one
thing he look forward to every day. He wasn't trying to be defiant.
He's trying to feel better. And my daughter, she did
do the assignment. She just couldn't get the help she
needed to submit it online. So once we start listening to our teens, we’re ready to conquer the third obstacle
to connecting with them: our approach. I had another client, Carol, who was disgusted with her daughter's
smelling nasty room, but every time she tried to
get her to clean it up, she had to go through the
same song and dance. Nag, nag, nag, yell, yell,
take your phone away. But it wasn’t her daughter
that was the problem. It was Carol’s approach, which seems to
be a very popular approach these days. Try to motivate your teen to do what you
want by threatening a consequence if they don’t, which is typically
taking some form of take away. Don’t like their attitude?
Take their phone away. Got a bad grade? Take their tablet away. The problem with this approach?
It doesn’t work. It confuses motivation with manipulation
and consequences with punishment. And we've known for decades the punitive
parenting does more harm than good. It certainly doesn't help anyone. I mean, would it be easier for you
to say that tongue twister if I kept yelling at you or took
your phone away when you got it wrong? No. But what if I taught you a strategy
to help you succeed? Like prompt your brain with a visual cue. Irish wrist watch Swiss wristwatch, Irish wristwatch, Swiss wristwatch. Once you have a strategy to succeed, you might actually be motivated to try. After listening to her daughter,
Carol learned that it was overwhelm, not laziness that was getting
in her daughter's way. So she helped her out by breaking
it down into tiny, manageable tasks, like just start by picking up
the smelly socks off the floor and putting them in the hamper. And my daughter and I,
we came up with a plan the next time she needed tech support. And when we were done, she gave me a big hug
and said: “Thanks, mom.” So the next time you’re having
trouble with your teen, remember they're facing their
own life tongue twister and you can choose to believe in them
and focus on what they do right. You can choose to assume the best
and listen to what they need. You can choose an approach
that helps them up to succeed. You can choose how you show up for your
teen, and that makes all the difference. Thank you.
