THIS Is Why “Casual” Sex Is DESTROYING Women… | The Sex Expert | Louise Perry

how does it affect women differently because if you're saying that it's inate it's not a sort of social construct there's something deep within our wiring in men and women that makes us have a different sort of sort of proclivity towards sex casual sex um why does that have a consequence that's negative for women basically what women are more likely to want is monogamy like not necessarily marriage but certainly signals of commitment if you think about this in our evolutionary in terms of our evolutionary history makes perfect sense right because having sex is pretty much the most consequential thing a woman can do right because if you get pregnant you've got N9 months of pregnancy which is risky in itself um child birth which is very risky in the ancestral environment less so now fortunately and then you've got um maybe 15 years or something of having to look after a child until it's capable of being economically self-sufficient that's an enormous right thing to happen in your life whereas and and it also means that women can only women can only really reproduce once a year absolute Max right whereas men in theory can reproduce thousands of times a year and can have basically no involvement in raising their children take basically no risks whatsoever so if you look at it in those terms of course women would be pickier of course they would and that is indeed what we see but I think that what we're I think the the reason that young women Express so much unhappiness at at the moment with the sexual culture is that a lot of young women kind of go along with it they they they I know this is this is kind of surprising to men right and I've spoken to men about this who who find this completely amusing they're like why would if you don't want to have sex you don't have sex it's fine like what's what's the big problem like women are so lucky because they can't step out onto the street without being propositioned they can have you know they have so much choice like you know you girls are so lucky what are you complaining about and I think it's this problem that one okay two problems one is that um both sexes are not necessarily a very good at understanding what the other sex actually want and that's partly comes from the fact that I don't think we're honest enough about sex differences so like men think that the fact that women can get casual sex at any time of any day is amazing and women are like but I don't want that that's that's like horrible I don't want to Shag some random man on the street right um so there's that Gap in sort of uh there's that empathy Gap um and similarly I think women have an empathy Gap like they probably don't realize how they don't realize one how many men basically don't have access to any kind of sexual relationships and feel incredibly resentful and frustrated about that they don't realize how scary it is for men to approach a woman things like that so there's like a mutual sort of incomprehension um and I think the other thing is men find it very hard to imagine doing what a lot of young women do which is basically going along with sex that they don't really want to have because they want to be polite and because they don't want to scare off a man who maybe they do fancy and because they don't want to be uncool and because they don't want to be weird and they want to be approved you know one of the features of teenage girl psychology and maybe this is into the 20s as well but particularly teenage girls is teenage girls are so so concerned about what's normal whenever you have contagious mental illnesses which like historically are quite common so something like um the saale and Witch Trials um apparently girls are now giving like getting tourettes from Tik Tok because it's like a viral thing on Tik Tok um uh hysteria in the 19th century anorexia there's a lot of examples of these right where um mental illnesses which are seem to be socially contagious people catch it from each other you end up with this mimetic effect they always start with teenage girls always sometimes they spread to other groups but teenage girls are always like the first you know and I think it's because teenage girls probably for self-protective reasons there must be some adaptive reason here are very very socially sensitive they're very like constantly aware of their social position what other people are doing what's cool what's not cool um obsessed which is also translates to things like fashion and slang slang ditto you know a lot of slang starts with teenage girls because they this very um this very mtic group right and that's fine like that's not necessarily a bad thing but it does sometimes have bad effects and one of them is for instance the idea that being approved is incredibly cringe has taken hold really really effectively among this group of girls and so you know I'll I'll talk to girls or or readal listen to girls saying like you know I went along with the most like degrading upsetting whatever sexual things because like I don't know why because I wanted him to think I was cool because I didn't you know it's and I think that's something that I think that's something that a lot of a lot of people find difficult to empathize with and will and will say and some men do say in criticism of my position like why don't these why don't these girls just sort of Get Grip when you say that um there's young girls and women going along with it yeah are you talking about both the type and the frequency of sex or you just talking about the Casual Sex and then the different ways people have sex like BDSM and choking and these kinds of things yeah so all of the above okay I mean I think particularly it's the um BDSM is a bit of a complicated one um we'll get to that then we um in terms of the the casual sex thing to like having sex sex on a first date okay kind of thing um historically very very very rare like such a weird cultural convention right and you think that happened because because the pill number one yeah because it means that you can do it without it being without pregnancy being at high risk um and I think it's all ends up being Downstream of that that it then changes like it basically used to be you can actually read accounts of women who were um who were who were in their 20 say at the time when the pill came along and they'll say I used to um it used to be the case you go out on a date and the expectation is we will not be having sex right that was the that was the agreed upon thing not to say it never happened obviously it did but that was the default and then you might have sex um on engagement or when you get married or um maybe when you're going steady you that expression you hear in like old high school films but was a way down the track right and then the pill comes along and you you you read women saying like it suddenly completely changed things it suddenly was like the default was not we're not having sex the default was we might and so suddenly it became a negotiation and it became a um there's this Evolution psychologist um David bus who specializes in human sexuality um and he writes about this sort of eternal power play basically where women would like to wait long longer before they have sex and men would like to have sex sooner and there's always this sort of voling back and forth like who is going who's going to who's going to win basically right and the pill massively shifts it in the half sex soona Direction and so yeah you say women who like you know used to be the Assumption I would not have sex after a date and now I'm having to like this is so often what what actually is happening in me too kind of cases I mean obviously me too cases is a lot of range you've got straightforward really criminal Behavior like Harvey winstein or whatever but you also quite often what you what what's going on is it's not even it's so much more subtle than that it's like like the aiz anzari case do you remember that quite an interesting case because he in terms of the response so Z anzari you know famous actor comedian he goes on a date with this woman who's a fan and it's all going well and then they go back to his and he wants her to have sex and she doesn't want to basically but she also he's like a famous man who she likes like she might want to in the future she doesn't want to like she doesn't want to offend him she doesn't want to mess it up and so there's this like subtle kind of tussle and they end up doing some sexual stuff or whatever she goes home she feels terrible she subsequently says to him you took advantage basically by text he says sorry and then later she sort of spills the beans in um in a magazine article and that kind of thing is basically an invention of sexual Revolution that kind of conflict where there's that degree of ambiguity it wasn't that unreasonable for him to think that sex would be a like would happen it wasn't that unreasonable the problem that she found herself in is that she had to try and as politely as possible say no without like that's a really difficult social game isn't it particularly when everyone's drunk right and she ended up I guess like they both messed up to some degree like he didn't read her social cues she didn't communicate clearly like so often that's what's really going on with these me two cases there's like there's so much ambiguity in terms of what everyone is supposed to do and you've got this tussle between what men and women prefer and I mean adding alcohol is really bad you know there's this bias that men have it's like a de like a like a deep-seated bias where men will tend to see sexual interest where they isn't they're more likely to see sexual interest where there is none they kind of overestimate how much women fancy them basically I know and talking about and alcohol makes it worse oh really yeah alcohol exaggerates that effect so if a man's drunk he's more likely to see sexual interest when it isn't there and then if she's drunk as well she's less able to successfully navigate this difficult social situation do you know what I mean it does just feel like we're the the lack of social rules just sort of sets everyone up to fail and it's kind of inevitable that you're going to ends up with these um these I guess tragedies right of people not understanding one another so sex becoming a negotiation now at when historically it wasn't such a negotiation and therefore sex happening much sooner in the interaction between women men and women often on the first date maybe the second date um you're kind of alluding to it there but I just want to get clarity on you're saying it harms both men and women in the long term I think in different ways yeah so I think the harm that's done to women is feeling is is emo well no there are obviously some situations where the worst possible thing happens you know you go home with a man who turns out to be incredibly dangerous more common is women just feeling bad about themselves how do we know that like is there have they done survey data oh really yeah yeah you just ask women like how do you feel after um different kinds of sexual encounter like a one night stand yeah and then you ask men the same thing and women feel um disgusting basically to some degree is sort of the dominant um I included this quiz in my book right for men for men and women like basically um for people who had had casual sex or some kind to another right who participated in this culture and I I sort of pulled the questions from my male and female friends um and uh one of the questions for women was have you ever had a consensual sexual experience which now makes thinking about it in retrospect makes you feel like kind of physically uncomfortable that gives you a disgust response um and uh so many women say yes to that and one of the reasons for that is that um women have a much lower discuss threshold than men do so like women feel women feel discussed more easily the men do um in response to all sorts of things but including in response to um not non-consensual but unwanted sex you see like the kind of subtle distinction like legal but not really desired sex women are more likely to find that just makes them feel disgusted because well probably because of this evolutionary thing right where like having sex with a man who you don't want to get pregnant by is a bad decision and a big risk and a big risk yeah if you love the dver CEO brand and you watch this Channel please do me a huge favor become part of the 15% of the viewers on this channel that have hit the Subscribe button it helps us tremendously and the bigger the channel gets the bigger the guests

Channel: The Diary Of A CEO Clips

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Length: 13min 46sec (826 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 20 2024