The UNCONSCIOUS motivations behind the narcissist's RAGE

the constant buildup of tension within the narcissistic personality style is a chronic feature of this personality for some folks it's like a volcano that erupts regularly for others it's a slow burn it doesn't happen all the time but it's always lurking two researchers named Mark harder and Elias tanos who are from the University of rampton kings and King's College in the UK and the University of C published a very interesting paper in 2020 on how narcissistic people process information or stimuli in this case how they process words they used an interesting experimental method by which they could present words on a computer very quickly and in one experiment they presented sort of negative words like like worthless and incom competent in another experiment they presented positive words such as attractive or exceptional their methodology is probably more than I could get into in this video and we'll have the reference for it in the video notes if you want to look it up but what these researchers would do is they'd sometimes present the negative word a negative word after what we call a negative priming word that would be something like harm and sometimes after a neutral word and they did the same thing with the positive words they' use a priming word and then present the more posit positive word they would also vary how quickly the words would be presented on the screen and doing all of this allowed them to look at what would happen when there was a really short interval between the presentation of a priming word and either a negative word or a positive word what these researchers found was actually really interesting they use a test called the narcissistic personality inventory and the specific subscale something we call the superiority scale for people who had higher superiority scores when they got a negative priming word and then they were quickly presented with a negative word what they found was that those more Superior narcissistic people would react more quickly to the negative words like worthlessness this interestingly didn't happen with the positive words and it didn't happen when there was a little bit more time between the priming word like harm and the actual word worthlessness the more time the less likely there would be these differences in how people responded it's an interesting finding and it appears to relate to a narcissistic person's sensitivity to words that would highlight themes such as worthlessness and it happens when the word the negative word is H is presented very quickly after the priming word which supports the idea of this being a defense since it is a reflexive almost unprocessed reaction their Works suggests what most of us working with survivors of narcissistic abuse and narcissist nists know that narcissistic people are forever vigilant for threat especially a threat to their fragile sense of self they are almost programmed to detect it and react to it as though they're trying to inhibit their feelings of inadequacy and feelings of Shame as quickly as possible if they even have a minute to process a few extra seconds to process what's happening people who are narcissistic are actually able to quickly regulate they didn't respond as quickly L to that negative word when there is more time between the priming word and that negative word like worthlessness but when they are primed and it's backed up quickly with a negative word then boom without that second to catch themselves those those narcissistic folks who have higher superiority scores will react more quickly that suggests that superiority is a defense it's not a true belief in their own greatness and the suggestion of threat through the negative words means that they start looking for more threats and when another negative word comes up quickly they react really fast this did not happen with the positive words so those positive words like attractive aren't as activating for the they aren't activating their attentional systems and it makes sense because those words don't signify threat and impending shame now what the hell does all of this mean for managing narcissistic relationships it means a lot this finding gives a scientific boost to what anyone who has managed a narcissistic relationship has observed the high reactivity to anything that could be slightly perceived as a critique or an insult or a slight and this research suggest that especially when that's the vibe negative words and a person higher in narcissism is primed for negativity based on what they are seeing or hearing they are going to react that much more quickly this article in essence provides some of the brass TXS and sort of granular substantiation of why all of us walk on eggshells around narcissistic folks because they're so quickly ready to snap when they don't like what they're hearing this research once again reminds us that our garden variety conceptualization of narcissism as a preing arrogant Superior person is actually just a look at the mask a sort of window dressing and that as soon as they think bad news or criticism or anything that isn't perfect is coming The Mask falls off and what is underneath that mask is their inadequacy being activated and even their attentional systems are just more tuned in to the negative stuff narcissism is in that way a personality style that is associated with greater threat perception and that greater perception of threat means that there is greater defensiveness and that is why we see the projection and the denial and the edginess it doesn't change a damn thing about your life it's just a reminder that there isn't much you can do to fix this this article though and their findings remind us that there actually is something a narcissistic person themselves could do to help fix these patterns they can actually wait a minute that moment of pause seems to be just enough to regulate but unfortunately this research suggests that when the perceived threats come too fast the person higher in narcissistic superiority reacts faster pausing and mindfulness may be the single most useful approaches in addressing narcissism but are also the hardest skills to acquire especially for people with these personality Styles now listen I am always heartened when I see that the science supports the clinical observations and the and people's experiences who are going through narcissistic abuse that hair trigger response of the narcissistic personality their ability to perceive threat faster than other people that's clearly happening in the attentional centers of the brain and hey maybe that's why narcissistic people cannot pay attention when the rest of us are talking maybe it's because their attention is so focused on responding to perceived threats that may be coming from what we're saying that they don't have anything left for the rest of us one this is this finding though this research is one more reminder that you aren't the one who was seeing something that isn't there trust me it's there and it's literally at the level of how people who have narcissistic traits and in this case more of the superiority traits how they differentially process information and that can help all of us understand why these patterns so quickly can spiral out of control so much of the time we spend talking about narcissist is about how grandiose they are and how they're bullies and you know and how they're often very successful fragile doesn't always seem to add up but it's it's actually the origin of this whole problem the fact that they are fragile that their self-esteem is inconsistent that they're so reliant on other people for validation and admiration and you tell them who they are is so because they're so vulnerable in some ways and that their ego is so fragile and that they are so insecure and that fragility is what makes them so combative what gets them so angry and prone to rages and disregulated and dismissive and contemptuous in that way fragile people are often angry at the world because it's a miserable way to go through life it can make things that make life more peaceful like searching for meaning or purpose or being able to stay in the moment the things that leave us sane it's harder for them because they're Fragile the environment feels like it's chronically full of threats that everywhere they turn around there's someone who's out to get them someone who's saying bad things to them somebody who's going to let them down so there's an almost infantile almost childlike uh presentation as it were in people who are narcissistic because they do feel so fragile there is a vulnerability we often don't think that again they can be so bombastic and so difficult and so vindictive and so many other difficult things that it's hard to get our heads around the fact that they're fragile in fact it's that and then when you do get there there's a risk like oh they're fragile I want to rescue them it's not that kind of fragile fragile people can actually be somewhat dangerous because when they're cornered they get very scared and scared people are really can be dangerous you can certainly be compassionate to it and that's always been the message that I've tried to put forth not only about narcissism but on any to towards any human being is that there is no need to be cruel to them even if they're being cruel to you when you can understand that it's their fragile sense of self their fragile ego that often drives them to do the unpleasant things they do it can often allow you to more compassionately set your boundary with them don't expect them to say thank you and say oh my gosh thank you for recognizing how fragile I am it takes a very long long long long time in therapy if ever for them to recognize what these patterns are inherent themselves you're not the therapist but it does mean you can be compassionate and when you can recognize that this pattern of fragility is so important to who they are and how they behave sadly it also allows you to not take it so personally because they're fragile that's why they react angrily you can step back and say this isn't about me this is them they're feeling fragile I can get that and when you don't personalize it you may not completely make it unpleasant but it does allow you to not blame yourself for it and waste all of those futile hours and wondering what could I do differently what could I do differently what could I do differently from a parenting perspective it's a wakeup call to all parents out there you might wonder how does a person develop a fragile sense of self it starts young the only gift we can give a child is a solid sense of themselves and frankly sometimes even with the best of parenting it's it's not enough our children come into the world with their own temperaments the world does what it does to them so we can't protect them from everything but we can sure as heck do our best to pay attention to them give them consistent safe spaces be kind to them love them unconditionally that's really what parenting is about and get them to eat their spinach from time to time and you've pretty much done your job that sense of fragility often comes from a childhood characterized by more anxious attachments a lack of consistency chaos neglect and in some cases abuse all of those things can culminate in a person having a very very fragile sense of self-esteem and in that way many narcissists have really had sometimes a rougher start than other people and that can explain where some of this comes from not always though not always and some parents out there with adult narcissistic children may say you know what I thought we got we did everything right and I do think it's very important that although a lot of this is developmental they're still very much a temperament biological piece person can come into the world with a very sensitive temperament they come into the world fragile and no matter how much we try to shelter that and develop that you can chore them up a little bit but that fragility may be something that dogs them into adulthood we can only do as well as we do but I do hope that some of that understanding on sort of the fragile place a narcissist comes from it doesn't become a call to Arms to you to try to rescue them but perhaps regard them with compassion not only for them but for yourself be able to maintain healthy boundaries and not personalize it now a a couple of months ago a brilliant scholarly article written by doctors Sophie kirik and Brad Bushman from Ohio State University took on the big topic of the association between narcissism and aggression and they did this in a very comprehensive manner this paper is one of the best examinations I have ever seen of this issue the authors looked at the results of 437 existing individual studies as a means of drawing their conclusions the power of this methodology of looking at many studies is that this is not just the conclusion of one study this is the cumulative evidence that is piled up across hundreds of studies examining this issue in study and samples around the world and across different types of population now what kiric and Bushman found was that regardless of gender culture age the way the research was designed and of how aggression was measured and how narcissism was measured the findings were absolutely consistent narcissism is clearly associated with aggression now some of you may be thinking okay you can say that as big as you want Dr Romany big surprise I already knew that but the fact is maybe we did suspect that but in the world of science and of policy individual stories aren't enough this study is groundbreaking because the authors were able to show very clearly that this Association is universal this is no longer a speculation I mean the scientist in me needs to see the data and uh and these researchers were able to show it the real Brilliance of this article though is that because they looked at so many studies they could look at these issues of for example of aggression and narcissism measured in so many different ways when they looked at aggression they framed it in different ways including physical aggression verbal aggression direct expression of aggression for example directly aggressing against a victim who is right in front of the aggressor and indirect aggression for example a smear campaign against someone an important component of aggression that they captured is something called displaced aggression as well think of that as being in the presence of someone who's having a rageful episode that you witness but that that rageful episode is not necessarily directed at you and they also captured under this under aggression both online and in in-person bullying and online trolling or provoking people online all of these things taken together accurately were captured under their definition of aggression now one thing that was particularly striking to me was that the authors observed comparable associations between grandiose narcissism and aggression and covert vulnerable narcissism they found it and and aggression they found it regardless of the type of narcissism another important finding is that narcissism was also associated with something called reactive aggression reactive aggression is provocation based aggression as well as what they call Proactive aggression which is to aggress against someone without provocation but because but instead you do it because of some other incentive maybe to gain advantage or to dominate someone and they found a compr strong association between narcissism and actual violence meaning that narcissism is a risk a risk factor as we call it for dangerous and violent Behavior interestingly Dr bushman's other research he was one of the authors on who was one of the authors on this paper has also done his own prior research suggesting that narcissism is a risk factor for mass shootings something many of us who do this work on narcissism have suspected for a long time time and he was able to pull together the data and the science on that there has been there's long been a belief that narcissistic people are hot-headed meaning that they're aggressive when they feel provoked where this study that I'm talking about was so striking is that yes that is true but they also found that the narcissistic personality is associated with aggression even when there is no provoc a so that actually raises the risk level associated with this personality style provocation does matter because provocation does in fact increase narcissistic aggression which holds up a model that other people have brought up of this idea that aggression is an ego protecting stance in narcissistic people that's something that's been suggested by other past researchers like Ray Bal Meister but since the research suggests that even in the absence of provocation there is aggression ego protection is not the only function that aggression is serving a really fascinating cultural finding also emerged in their research narcissism was associated with violence and aggression regardless of whether it was conducted in a collectivistic or individualistic culture now the authors were very very clear to point out that much less of This research has been conducted in collectivistic cultures but in those studies that were they found similar associations the traditional belief that's often been out there is that this idea of collectivism that this may be protective against this link between narcissism and aggression that didn't bear out and in that way the association between narcissism and aggression supersedes all the protections of a collective cultural collectivistic cultural bias this goes beyond a message that in an individualistic culture where it's every person for themselves this suggests that there something embedded within the narcissistic individual regardless of whether the culture is about the group or the individual now when I read this study again and again and I've even had the pleasure of corresponding with the authors's about it which was a tremendous honor what struck me is the danger we have in society when we minimize and when we play down the impacts of this personality style the tendency that we have of just sort of light-heartedly viewing narcissism is just sort of vain arrogant preining and pretentious but nothing beyond that this research suggests one more brick in that wall that this is dangerous there are so many important implications in the findings of This research paper in the area for example of domestic violence intimate partner violence Family Violence this implies that the unique dangers of narcissism in these spaces because since the nature of intimate relationships the closeness impli that there's going to be a greater likelihood of these so-called provocation episodes even about small issues and then a risk of even more violence in the area of workplace violence there is the implication in these research findings that narcissism is going to result in more dangerous workplaces in the area of Public Safety for example Dr bushman's work on mass shootings and narcissism suggests the risks that are inherent in that in our day-to-day lives that narcissism is actually something that is essential for legal and Justice systems to understand for politicians to understand for policy makers to understand for public health officials to understand and for educators to understand and above all else for mental health practitioners and researchers to understand I have no idea what the hell prevention looks like when it comes to narcissism let's face it narcissism isn't against the law but it sure is a risk factor for lots of dangerous illegal behavior and dangerous behavior in general however there is very little I believe we can do to prevent it because that would require a wholesale takeover of parenting and early childhood development good luck with that now this isn't just about an annoying or gaslighting partner that's not all that narcissism is about it's not just about a manipulative parent or a cheating ex this paper suggests that narcissism is about a real societal danger associated with a personality pattern that Society is more often than not likely to enable we make Nar nistic people are leaders Our Heroes and we view their lives as aspirational we are in essence revering the very patterns associated with personalities that make the world a more dangerous place if ever science was a wakeup call it's in this article now the full Citation for this article for those of you who are interested in the research or students or therapists or academics go pull it because the re the reference is there I can't recommend it enough it is one of the most important pieces of work I have read in years really congratulations and gratitude to doctors kavic and Bushman for this work those of you who are interested in it really really take take this article in because the data all of it is some of the most compelling stuff I've read in a while it always helps when we suspect something in the world of narcissism when people put in the years of work and I know this this work took them years to do to really show that the data supports a link here and the more we have these supportive links through the data the more that there may may may someday probably long after I'm I I'm dead and gone but there may someday be a willingness to see these patterns and understand them so we might actually be able to help people who find themselves in these situations help them not only become safer but possibly possibly create policy that might potentially make this world a safer Place let's talk about the so-called tension reduction hypothesis or really the question why does my narcissist keep harassing me until I respond and get angry and then they calm down tension reduction is a concept that comes up a lot when we are understanding a range of Personality Styles as well as different kinds of disregulated behavior such as impulsive anger aggression and violence substance use and even self harm in short in a person who struggles with tension and appropriate management of that tension they will have the tension ramp up in them like a head of steam and then they will either blow up or succumb to the behavior that maybe they're trying to resist and then boom they're fine you will be ragged from the abuse but then after they throw the their tantrum they're fine in fact may even throw in a gaslighting Barb at you like oh come on now stop making a fuss yeah I know I was mad but it wasn't that bad so what does this look like now any of you who have been in any form of narcissistic relationship whether in your family in an intimate relationship or in the workplace you have gone through this here's an example for some reason a person with a difficult or narcissistic or antagonistic relationship in your life they experience an ego injury of some kind a narcissistic injury it may be because something didn't go the way they wanted in some area of their lives that you are friends with someone and you're because you have this friendship that got them mad that your friends with one of their business competitors that you aren't giving them the answer they want or that you said something that brought up their insecurity or you didn't read their mind then they may start texting you it may start slow but then it keeps going and going the texts start to turn into word salad you know what I mean those texts that are so long that you need to press that little button and then they turn into a big document that fills up your phone anytime you get a text that long it's a problem it's not unusual for these texts to come into your device one after the other or in bizarre hours in the middle of the night or in the early morning on the basis of conventional narcissist nistic relationship wisdom what do you do you don't respond you gray rock you don't take the baate and then they escalate for them the narcissist the tension keeps Rising they keep texting you don't respond they keep texting at this point they may even be engaging in thinly veiled threats or maybe not so thinly veiled they may even threaten to do something dangerous or hint at that you get concerned and you respond to their text in many cases this may either change the direction of these mounting text or stop it they may get angry and will get mad at you for not responding you may respond in a very brief way and they'll want more responses you may respond quite kindly and they might actually deescalate but the tone might change because what the tension reduction hypothesis and narcissism it it what it's such that they need a reaction they can't regulate so they escalate and they escalate and then once you finally respond to them in a way that they want it's as though the tension is released and they may actually start wondering why you are reacting so strongly they may release that tension by screaming at you but then it's out and then you're upset and they don't get it I had this happen once to me recently where the person kept texting the nature of my work is is such that it may sometimes be 5 to 6 hours before I can return a message because I'll have back toback clients or teaching people who know me should know that but I guess there are enough people out there who are entitled who just keep going I also shut my phone down at certain times on the weekend and night just to set a boundary and give myself a break this particular P person started small they sent a few memes they sent some videos they sent some other stuff and then more pointedly started stating their displeasure because I wasn't getting back to them and then some middle of the night text that took up multiple screens on my phone and then some early morning ones maybe that person stayed up all night building up with that tension those Texs were thinly veiled and not then not so thinly veiled threats my phone was actually off for a lot of this so I finally looked at the tension induced meltdown after 12 hours of having my phone off and calmly replied in a therapist y way and the person calmed down this person could not regulate and had to have a response they felt entitled to a response the person was actually mildly terrifying and so I wanted to deescalate the situation but I could see the almost immediate tension response they were even conciliatory and tried to sound like a grown-up all calm and composed and reasonable after sending me text diarrhea for 12 hours these tension redu these tension escalations and breakdowns Can Happen by phone text email or even more frighteningly they may just show up or if you live with this person it can manifest by the person following you around the house room to room yelling at you and blocking doors narcissistic people with that tension have to have their reaction they feel entitled to their reaction much like a tantruming child they have to throw throw themselves down on the ground at least metaphorically and get a rise out of people and then they get exhausted it's an adult tantrum these tension reduction episodes are a prime example of the disregulation that characterizes narcissism usually we see their tension we see their disregulation as rage but the tension reduction is their need to let loose on someone if they can't yell it out it's it's not out for the rest of us we do not have that luxury we don't get to throw a tantrum we have to find appropriate ways to vent therapy journaling a run a shower a drive when we cry or where we cry a chat with a friend we do not stalk someone until they respond to our meltdown again we should have aged out of that stocky tantrum style at around age three or four the buildup of tension is deeply uncomfortable for them and remember narcissistic people don't do discomfort instead they make it someone else's problem I have seen many a narcissistic person survey the damage after one of their tension release episodes terrified people in some cases even restraining orders people who have quit working for them people who have ended relationships they will often think narcissistic people will often think that people are overreacting they just needed to let off steam after all and yeah sometimes they might even say yeah I guess I could have done it differently but gosh why is everyone making such a big deal out of this I just got mad and when it's explained to them why they actually do get it they're not psychotic but invariably they do it again when a narcissistic person is not in their tension induced State they actually may have some preserved insight and recognize why it is not okay but will say something like I couldn't help it or it's not that big a deal I've been under a lot of stress like I said unless they are psychotic they can help it they chose not to help it and then slowly get enraged that there are consequences to their behavior and people are calling them out the constant buildup of tension within the narcissistic personality style is a chronic feature of this personality for some folks it's like a volcano that erupts regularly for others it's a slow burn it doesn't happen all the time but it's always lurking and contributes to the eggshell walking we so often see in narcissistic relationships of all kinds the tension release meltdown in every narcissistic relationship is always around the next Corner some folks with these personalities turn to drugs and alcohol as part of this cycle which invariably makes it worse or they're walking around perpetually stoned as a way to sort of numb out these State these disregulated states you may Wonder after they wreak so much Havoc blow up your phone or come at you in some unrelenting manner why they are so calm after the blow up after they release it they are so calm that they May in fact criticize other people for being so worked up it's a gaslighting chaser after a terrifying tantrum think of it as psychologically explosive vomiting once they get it out they feel better but the rest of us have it all over our shoes and our clothes and that is not very pleasant so that buildup of tension that explosive release because things aren't working out the way they wanted and then once they get their their blow up done they're kind of like everything's fine and they resent that other people were bothered by it very classical relationship pattern in a narcissistic relationship and I hope that helps you make sense of The Chronic Tantrums you feel like you're always having to deal with in your narcissistic relationship

Channel: DoctorRamani

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Id: AfZyu3YiNog

Length: 34min 56sec (2096 seconds)

Published: Thu May 16 2024