The Tale of Michael Malloy

foreign [Music] for another riveting tale from the angels of History Our Story begins in New York in 1932 with a man named Michael Malloy not much was known about Malloy except for the following he was around 60 years old homeless and alcoholic Irish and a former firefighter so one day a few guys were hanging out in the local Speakeasy including Tony Marino the owner of the joint and a couple of regulars by the names of Francis Pasqua and Daniel kreisberg and who else stumbles in but old dusty McGee looking to get his morning fix mourinho's like you know I've had it up to here with that Michael Malloy character he never Pays His tabs smells like the crevice behind an unwashed ear harasses my clients hell do you know the Hindenburg disaster didn't actually happen yeah it was an inside job by the government to make big Zeppelin look bad personally I'm glad one less industry control by the [ __ ] crowds Hindenburg disaster doesn't happen for another five years dumbass bite me and every day he ends up like that so pass was like yikes seems like quite the Dilemma in your hands lucky for you I've come up with the perfect solution let me hear it I say we deploy a ploy to destroy that unemployed Malloy shut up anyway go on I'll take out a life insurance policy on him then we let him drink as much as he wants obviously he's gonna kick it I mean look at him no self-control see that he just drew from the stockpile while there's still moves to be made on the Tableau oh I like that joke then once he's dead we get all the money for ourselves win-win the first part of the plan went through without a hitch passwords took out not one but three policies on malloy's life with Joseph Murphy a bartender at Marina supposing as malloy's brother and being named as the sole beneficiary in total the group stood to gain 3576 dollars which is like 66 Grand in today's money with all that in place they begin the second part of the plan hey Malloy good to see you man say uh what what happened to your arm yeah the other day got in a fight with the goose got bit pretty bad been leaking pus for about a week now but hey I got the breadcrumbs okay well anyway guess what your tab now has unlimited credit oh cool well uh what's that mean it means you can drink as much as you want and we can't stop you bet naturally he orders shot after shot and the Gang happily complies it gets to the point where malloy's drinking way more than should be humanly possible but instead of dropping dead or passing out after a while he's just like I see ya within 24 hours he's back at it giving his liver the equivalent of a Tyson uppercut and being no worse for wear this went on for a few days before the boys were like all right we need up the Annie here and decided to replace malloy's typical shots with wood alcohol otherwise known as methanol keep in mind as little as four percent methanol by volume is enough to make a Moonshiner go blind and just two shots of the pure stuff should be able to kill a man but Malloy slammed back just as much as he normally would totally none the wiser and was like still see ya anyway see ya they try it again for a few more nights he was fine soak some expired oysters and wood alcohol and fed them to him he was fine they gave him a sandwich made from rotten sardines and carpet tax [ __ ] asks for another they were like all right this man's got a Lead Belly there's got to be something else we can do so one day after he passed out they drove him half a mile to the park tossed them out into the snow took off his shirt and soaked his head and chest and water they drive away thinking they've finally done it but when Mourinho clocked in at the Speakeasy the next day Malloy is already there just hanging out barely even sniffling finally they just said [ __ ] it ran the guy down with their Buddy's cab and backed over him again for good measure for once Malloy didn't show up the next day the gang was cautiously optimistic after all there are 60 year olds Who Bite the Dust just from one wrong step in the shower let alone the force of a half ton of Steel going 50 miles an hour they called all the local hospitals and morgues in an attempt to find where he ended up but they couldn't get any useful information from anyone lo and behold five days later the guy limps his way on in once again with a mighty thirst and little memory of the incident the gang debated just icing some other random drunkard because this one's the [ __ ] Juggernaut apparently but they decided to try one more thing before Calling it Quits after Malloy went through his usual blackout routine they took him up to Murphy's room stuck a gas line in his mouth wrapped a towel around his face and turned it on within an hour Malloy finally stopped breathing after countless attempts on his life at long last they were successful however as you might have realized the final method of murder was a far cry from the simple Elegance of the original land which is something they never really thought about until it was too late hey guys what's popping uh my brother Michael Malloy is dead can I have money now oh dear I'm so sorry what happened uh what why did the man die ah pneumonia I see and when can we see the body exactly uh so after a quick medical examination the men were convicted of first-degree murder and attempted fraud and subsequently sentenced to death by electric chair and while the Executioner flipped the switch malloy's ghost sat in the corner chowing down on some antifreeze and sardine Souls just laughing his ass off moral of the story life is unpredictable that's why we have insurance for it in the first place if you ever commit fraud against life just know that life's gonna commit a little fraud back till next time I'm salmonella and thank you for watching foreign [Music]

Channel: Sam O'Nella Academy

Views: 12,117,907

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Id: kuYylDsN6KQ

Length: 5min 41sec (341 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 21 2018