The Sketch Show S02E05

you well here it is my new environmentally friendly car what does that mean doesn't run on petrol notice all that wash hello trees you look nice Oh Karen well I can't get this plaster off without pulling the hairs on the back of my hand it really hurts all you need is distraction therapy distraction therapy yeah how's your pipe ah is the Pope Catholic hi can I have a return ticket a new castle please oh yeah 340 pounds please wow that's quite expensive that's the price I'm afraid Thanks all right can I have a supersaver cheap day bargain over triple apex off-peak away breaks down by return to New Castle please yeah that'll be three pounds please thank you sorry hang on a minute you just charged her three pounds you charged me a hundred and forty pounds hi that's because she asked for a particular type of ticket you just asked for a standard return all right well can I just change this for the type that she got please and what type would that be well you know the super cheap bargain rover dingy I'm afraid of you can't ask for it properly I can't sell it to you okay I'll have a supersaver cheat day bargain Robo triple apex away breaks down by return to New Castle please 230 pounds please well you asked for a supersaver cheat day bargain rover triple apex away break Stanbury turn whereas she asked for a supersaver cheat day bargain rover triple apex off-peak away break standby return that's the chief look just tell me the least expensive way to get to New Castle no you tell me right I'd like to see the station manager please that's not what he's called is it so do you live here alone just me my father give friend I've got the milk mr. Mac we've had a look at your dog Benji we've just done the final x-rays look I don't hiss offer if he needs to be put down I'd rather you just tell me straight there's nothing wrong with him he's fine I'll have you checked properly this is a perfectly healthy dog yeah but he's not getting any younger Izzie why don't you place a putting down anyway I can't put a healthy dog to sleep go on put him down he might get rabies and kill a child stab in the dark in it yeah don't mind how you do it I mean it's unlikely to happen go put him down it's too big I'm not putting a dog to sleep because he's too big but it's not just that my wife makes me walk him and feed him and stuff laughs have you thought of advertising it to a good home yeah she's never go the dog I know advertise the dog oh I can't be bothered look if you do this for me let's just say I'm willing to make a rather substantial donation to the vets benevolent fund how substantial well you know the dog is rather big now about the wife your bill gentlemen thank you I'll get this no you're right no I really I insist let me please no really I'll get it don't you get it next time this one's on me don't you understand I am paying the bill honesty I am quite happy to maybe I'm not making myself clear I am gonna pay this bill and we're gonna walk out of here nice and easy like nothing ever happened all right think again put the bill down slowly you can have the meat I've got your wife watching Eddie put her on how they hurt you darling that's it now how about we go dutch no splits no deals you won't get away with this oh no keep the change love I don't take tips you're serving for the match yeah I'm not worried haven't lost a service game yet Oh second serve ah look 15 second says oh look Daffy ah excuse me you hang on ah I'll be with you in a sec mr. the middle ah a quiet important our little rally here oh how can I help you yeah I'm right in the middle of a very important match over here and you're really putting me off how am I putting you off joking you don't know what you're doing oh absolutely no idea what you're talking about your serve that's the grunting every time you hit a ball oh sorry I didn't realize I'll stop I'm sorry thank you second serve look fast are you doing this on purpose look everyone makes a little noise when they hit the ball you know yeah a little noise is fine you sound like you're shagging a hippo lot of money riding on this and it's match point can you please make an effort okay I'm sorry was that better get your lovely fresh tomatoes 80 pensee pound lovely fresh tomatoes 80 pence a pound excuse me sir are you aware that according to EU regulations it's illegal to sell produce in anything under the metric oh sorry get your lovely fresh tomatoes 80 pentameter okay ladies and gents it's time for the pop quiz then on Saturday night no it's fun round one general knowledge question one who wrote crime and punishment Pete Waterman pee water and what wrote crime and punishment question two what is the largest living mammal baboon the blue whale question three in which year was the first mobile phone sold in the UK they're always earlier than you think these ones hmm 16:12 don't be stupid question four what did Cliff Richard sing when he won the Eurovision Song Contest smack my [ __ ] up question 5 complete the famous Shakespeare phrase a horse a horse cat a pig in a pony you please stop talking rubbish all right I'm just trying to do you a favor question 6 name two things invented by Thomas Edison Golf and the rainbow you say just leave me alone will you will you be sorry why cuz I found the answers I'm in the wrong pub owner yeah oh do you ever sell my hair done I've never gone a bit too far look at it then no I don't know myself look no I don't look too bad complete disaster can I help you there sir yeah I'm looking for a bed that turns into a sofa right well we've got plenty of sofa beds to choose from oh no these aren't what I want these are sofas that turn into beds I want a bed that turns into a sofa okay well that's the same thing in the daytime these are sofas and then at night time they turn into beds well that's no good to me I work nights I don't want to come home in the morning and sleep on a sofa do er I'm not an idiot now the other thing I'm looking for is a low table to keep my hot drinks on okay well we've got a wide selection of coffee tables to choose from oh that's the thing I don't drink coffee I'm afraid we don't sell tea tables sir good because that's not what I'm after no I'd like to have a look at your ha try being the tables some such thing is a hot rod being a table but I'll tell you what why don't you take one of these occasional tables because I want to use it all the time I use it all the time no one's gonna know I'm gonna know I'm not an idiot I'm gonna be using my occasional table on far too many occasions and then I'll worry about worrying out and then I want to join me hot Ribena do you know what I've got just the thing for you come with me this is our new bed in the day so for at night bed sofa range it comes complete with integrated permanent non occasional hot Ribena ledge now don't like the color finally theater policy states that if there is a fire we don't want to panic the audience so we use a coded message which is will mr. sands please report to the stage door well mr. sands please report to the stage door that's right there's a fire in the basement you're talking leave this to me well mr. sands please report to the stage door I repeat well mr. sands please report to the stage door there's a fire in the basement the secret to pickpocketing is distraction and confusion ah allow me to demonstrate hey hello Dave are you going Dave what do you mean I haven't seen you for ages we met at that party you remember me my name's not Dave I'm sorry I must have you mixed up with someone else Wow right let me have a go Hey all right Dave as it goeth you're hi I'm Sydney 480 does it go you're right yeah not bad are you looking Wow look fantastic are those two kids are you all right I don't get off I know what you're up to you're trying to steal my wallet what you're trying to pickpocket me why on earth would I do that just hang on there a sec I'm a bit confused does this work better if this person isn't my brother nope they're not mine either this morning and assembly we are going to think about sexual health now I want each of you to study this leaflet on sexually transmitted disease and then pass it on hello I'm Tim and I'm an alcoholic hi I'm Karen and I'm an alcoholic I'm kitty and I'm an alcoholic I'm Jim I'm an alcoholic right so that's treble gin and tonics all around is it ladies and gentlemen please welcome the last living survivor of the Titanic disaster mrs. Petra Kennett hello Petra oh now you were on the Titanic on that fateful day weren't you yes talk us through what happened well the ship was on its way from Southampton to New York yeah and halfway there it sank there you go straight from the horse's mouth um what about the events leading up to the sinking can you shed any light on that it well it was the middle the night yeah we were all asleep sleeping yeah and there the ship hit an iceberg hit an iceberg right well that sir certainly ties in with what we already know do you personally remember of that tragic tragic night oh I remember nothing absolutely no memories event what so ever no none at all fascinator well you know I've always wanted to meet someone who was on the Titanic and in a way I still do ladies an gentlemen okay thank you oh no look at that what I've got tights in my ladder mister common cold slow please miss backache it's worth mr. saw I mr. fallen down a well falling down a well so what do you do for a living mate well you know on an aeroplane wow you're a pilot what a kill job I'm not pilot now you know where airplane the people who hand stuff out to the passengers oh you're a nurse Stuart what's that like not like they ask you know you ever they hand out those little headphones oh you made those little headphones no no you know the little plastic bag that the headphone comes you made the plastic bag no no you know on the bag it's printed the word headphones oh you put the word headphones onto the plastic bags no you know the font you invented the font no but the man who invented the font has a son and you are that son no that son owns a sports shop you work in the sports shop no next door the Sport Shop is a restaurant your waiter no I'm not but on the menu there's a dessert called a Martin mousse you're a chef now I went to school with Martin and the guy who is the cleaner at that schools called mr. Howlett mr. Howell it's got a horse I am mr. Howell its blacksmith right let's find out who had what another coke may prawn cocktail made chicken casserole may green salad mate garlic breads may spaghetti bolognaise made sausage and chips mate ship is pine man strolling Pablo made syrup sponge Hey tiramisu me rice that was me it comes to 46 pounds 25 should we say a tenner each ah here is my little financial wizard how was your first day on the stick Mac it's called the stock market mom and it was terrible the Dow Jones came up the Nick I went down I lost 37,000 pounds oh wow where do you think you lost it I told you where I lost down the stock market do you did you call the place oh you don't understand the Nick I took a tumble oh that your little Japanese friend liz' is he all right what was he looking after your money did it fall out of his pocket when he took a tumble mum the Nick guys the Japanese market indicator and it fell by 12 points well did you have a really good look around where he fell over maybe somebody nobody has picked it up it's not actual money ah was it a chick because you can cancel a check do you want mummy to call the bank and cancel it or was it made out to Nick hon mom I've lost the money I'm not getting it back I lost it on the share market so you say that but I left my purse at the market once in a very nice man handed it in and I did get it back forget it what's for tea lady mommy's gonna ask you a question and she wants an honest answer all right did the bullies take your money is that what happened right I will tell you what happened I bought a hundred thousand shares at five pounds each as soon as I bought them the price fell to four pound 63 therefore I lost 37,000 pounds no bullies or Japanese friend called Nick I well it sounds to me like prices of smoked but once the all Ordinaries bounce back the foots your stage of recovery and you'll recoup your losses good oh yeah oh say mommy's not a dummy now you say the del Jones is on the way up yeah well do you think you might want to stay for tell you the Welsh lovely okay cross your legs for me please doesn't hurt when I do this ah yes ah does it hurt when I do this ah yes does it hurt when I do this ah does it hurt when I do this does it hurt when I do this and this hmm what's your diagnosis doctor just as I thought I'm a sadist hello oh my gosh I'm sorry I'm late but I've just had some very exciting news I'm gonna have twins Wow Oh God congratulation I'm still in shock I don't know if it's too early to be telling people why how far along you I don't know you know an ultrasound no madam Rosalie doesn't do ultrasound what a Knowsley yeah she does palms Tarot that kind of thing ah twins I can't believe it but that's not all guess what else I'm gonna get married Oh madam Rosalie says it's someone I already know so look out probably on to you three it's not me no look at me no I know I'm pretty sure it's Tim see what how could it be Tim Tim now been gone up for five years yeah I know but you said yourself that things have been a bit rocky lately mmm Rose leaks in your something's a bit a bit rocky why'd you say that oh I just said you know she's girl taught me you haven't been anything by it kitty the guy might enter the bar I'll come with you listen to this apparently I'm really artistic which I think I always knew but Madame Rosalie Kate if you don't mind my Lee at the bottom of this I thought things are going really well at the moment in fact that's what tonight we're supposed to be about you mean well I was going to ask you to marry me Tim but now that I know how you really feel kitty-kitty will you marry me yes oh now let's get you to a specialist why apparently I'm going to lose my husband to a serious illness

Channel: Vladut Alecsandru

Views: 211,923

Rating: 4.8365679 out of 5

Keywords: Jim Tavaré, Karen Taylor, Lee Mack, Tim Vine, The Sketch Show, Kitty Flanagan

Id: sKc10nZyK4U

Length: 21min 55sec (1315 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 24 2013