During romantic or passionate love, you're gonna
feel the sense of being addicted to your partner. People who are madly in love can fall madly in love with somebody who's married,
who lives on the other side of the planet, who comes from a different religion.
And somehow, they'll say to themselves, we'll work it out, we can work this out. Because
of all that energy of intense romantic love. Over time, as this whole neurotransmitter
thing settles out, what's left? TED FISCHER: We define romantic love
as an intense desire for another, with the expectation that it's gonna persist into
the future. And that distinguishes it from lust, which is generally fleeting, and also for more
companionship love, which doesn't have that intensity of desire, that you want
to possess the other in some way. GAIL SALTZ: Studies have looked at activity in the
brain when recalling passionate or romantic love, versus say maternal love, and finds that
different centers definitely are more active. And they would, say, put people into the
functional MRI, and they said, think about your partner, or think about your lover. And certain
areas lit up, or they said, think about your mom, and different areas lit up. Which is important,
because different areas are responsible for the release of different neurotransmitters. Which
then come to affect your future feeling states and future behaviors. During romantic or passionate
love, what happens from a neurotransmitter standpoint, those chemicals that are released
when you have that particular experience? Dopamine goes up. Dopamine is essentially
the neurotransmitter of reward. So it is a neurotransmitter that's released when
you have new or novel experience, but particularly experiences that are reinforcing. Like gambling.
Or something that is really addictive. In fact, literally addictive. It's the neurotransmitter if
you snorted cocaine that is most responsible for, wow, that was great, and I totally wanna do
it again. So that is a neurotransmitter that definitely goes up when you are in the throes of
romantic or passionate love. And what does that mean for you? It means that you're gonna feel
the sense of being addicted to your partner. And in fact, it's also the neurotransmitter that
goes up for people who have obsessive compulsive disorder. Does that mean you're gonna develop OCD?
No. But what it does mean is you're probably going to obsess over your partner. In comes another
neurotransmitter, that's called serotonin. It is definitely a neurotransmitter that is
active for obsessive compulsive disorder. And for depression. Do you become depressed?
No, you really don't. But what you do do is a feature of depression called rumination.
So you think about your partner over and over and over again in this really obsessive manner.
And, if your partner is separated from you, you're going to have this longing, where you're
wanting to be with them, kind of like you'd want to be with a drug if it was taken away
from you and you were already addicted to it. There are changes in other neurotransmitters as
well. So if you're physically with your partner, the neurotransmitter oxytocin, which is kind
of known as the cuddle neurotransmitter, and that makes you feel warm, and snuggly,
and intensely bonded to this person. It is particularly released following orgasm. So,
you know, if you're having sex with your partner, and things go well, you're gonna
feel very attached to them, exceedingly intimate with them. Partially
because of that neurotransmitter. There are other neurotransmitters that actually
also change. Vasopressin, which has to do with stress level. There's this whole release
of neurotransmitters that make you feel very obsessed, very addicted, thinking constantly
about them, very intimately, cuddly, attached, and stressed. Actually, it is a stressful condition,
to some degree, to be really into your partner. HELEN FISHER: One of the problems with early stage
intense feelings of romantic love is that it's part of the oldest parts of the brain that become
activated. Brain regions linked with drive, with craving, with obsession, with motivation. And in
fact, some cognitive regions up in the prefrontal cortex that have evolved much more recently
begin to shut down. Brain regions linked with decision-making, planning ahead. As people who are
madly in love can fall madly in love with somebody who's married, who lives on the other side of
the planet, who comes from a different religion. And somehow they'll say to themselves, we'll
work it out, we can work this out. Because of all that energy of intense romantic love. And
also the shutting down of various brain systems linked with decision-making. So one of the things
that I say to people is before you decide to marry somebody, spend a good deal of time with them.
So some of that early stage intense feelings of romantic love can begin to subside. And
you can begin to really see what you've got. As a matter of fact, I'm very optimistic
about the future of relationships, because we're spending so much time now getting
to know somebody before we wed. You know, a great many people are having these one night stands,
and friends with benefits, and living together before they marry. And there was a recent study,
which they asked a lot of single people who were living together with somebody why have they not
yet married? And 67% were terrified of divorce, terrified of not only the legal and the financial
and the economic, but the personal and social fallout of divorce. And so I began to realize,
maybe all of this hooking up, and friends with benefits, and living together is not recklessness.
Maybe it's caution. Maybe singles are trying to learn every single thing they can about a
potential partner before they tie the knot. And in short, marriage used to be the beginning
of a relationship, now it's the finale. And I think that that is very positive. As a matter
of fact, I work with match.com, I'm their chief scientific advisor. And we did a study of married
people. Not on the site match.com, of course. Of 1100 married people. And I had reasoned,
well, if there's this long pre-commitment stage of getting to know somebody, maybe
by the time you walked down the aisle, you know what you've got, you're happy with
what you've got, and you're gonna build a long, stable really happy marriage. Maybe we're
going towards a time of happier marriages, because relationships can end before you tie the
knot. So within this study, I asked these 1100 married people a lot of questions, but one of
the questions was, would you remarry the person you're currently married to? And 81% said yes. And
I think that with what I call fast sex, slow love, with this slow love process of getting to know
somebody very carefully, over a long period of time, it's gonna help the brain readjust some
of these brain regions for decision-making. You're gonna get to know how this person handles
your parents at Christmas, or whatever holiday. You know, how they handle your friends, how they
handle their money, how they handle an argument, how they handle getting exercise, and their own
health and your health, et cetera. You learn a lot about the person. I'm very optimistic about
the future, because of this concept of slow love. SALTZ: In terms of the science to support what
is a good partner choice, for the long haul, it does seem that having very similar values, and
to some degree, having a lot of similarities in general, often leads to a longer term ability to
maintain the relationship. And why is that? And I'm not talking now about sexual compatibility.
I'm not talking about that wonderful, passionate feeling. But I'm really talking
about just maintaining any relationship. It is easier when you have fewer bridges to cross.
So over time, as this whole neurotransmitter thing settles out, what's left to be able to maintain
your relationship going forward? If you're arguing over everything, because basically,
you fundamentally don't agree on most things, that is a challenge. Not saying it's
a challenge that can't be managed. And I certainly wouldn't say, for example, that
opposites can't attract, because they often do. But the question is, what do you do with that
down the road? If you're a different religion, if you believe differently in how money should be
managed, if you have different goals in terms of family rearing, career aspirations,
long-term how you want to live your life. These are bridges that have to be crossed with
a lot of communication, and a lot of compromise. To some degree, studies support the less
compromise you have to make, the easier. And that's not surprising, right? That's easy
to understand. So choosing someone with some similarities will make for
less compromise down the road. And then the question becomes, how good are you
and your partner individually at communication, at compromise, at being able to make choices that really aren't your first
choice, for the service of some greater good? FISHER: We all wanna sustain a long-term
happy partnership. And psychologists will give you a long list of smart ways to sustain
it. But I'd like to say what the brain can add. I studied the brain. And the first thing that
you wanna do is sustain the three basic brain systems for mating and reproduction. Sex drive.
Have sex with the partner. Have sex regularly with the partner. If you don't have time,
schedule the time to have sex with the partner. Because when you have sex with the partner,
you're driving up the testosterone system, so you're gonna want to have more sex, but you
also have all the cuddling, which is gonna drive up the oxytocin system, and give you feelings
of attachment. And having sex with the person, any kind of stimulation of the genitals drives
up the dopamine system and can sustain feelings of romantic love. And of course, there can be
good jokes about it, and relaxation about it, that is good for the body and the mind. So have
sex with the person and sustain that brain system of the sex drive. To sustain feelings of intense
romantic love, do novel things together. Novelty drives up the dopamine system and can sustain
feelings of romantic love. And this isn't just in the bedroom. Just go to a different restaurant on
Friday night. Take your bicycle instead of a car. Read to each other in bed. Sit together on the
couch, and have a discussion about something new. Read new books together. Novelty, novelty, novelty
sustains feelings of intense romantic love. You also wanna sustain feelings of
deep attachment. And to do that, you have to just stay in touch. Learn to sleep
in the person's arm. At least start that way. Cuddle after dinner. Walk arm-in-arm arm down the
street. Hold hands together. Put your foot on top of his foot or her foot while you're having
dinner. Gently, of course. But stay in touch. That drives up the oxytocin system, and can give
you feelings of deep attachment to the partner. So, you wanna sustain all three of those brain
systems, sex drive, feelings of romantic love, and feelings of deep attachment. But we've
also found out what's going on in the brain in long-term happy partners. We did a study, a
brain scanning study, of people who were married an average of 21 years. And those people
who were married an average of 21 years, who were still madly in love with their partner
showed activity in three brain regions. A brain region linked with empathy, a brain region
linked with controlling your own emotions, and a brain region linked with what we call
positive illusions, the simple ability, but sometimes hard, to overlook what you don't
like about somebody, and then focus on what you do. So last but not least, we've now known that
if you say several nice things to your partner every day, I would suggest five, but if you
can only pull off two or three, whatever. Say nice things to your partner. That actually
reduces their cholesterol, reduces their cortisol, which is the stress hormone, and boosts their
immune system. But it also boosts yours. So what the brain says about a happy long-term
partnership is overlook what you don't like and focus on what you do, express empathy for the
partner, control your own emotions, have sex with the partner, do novel things together, stay
in touch, and say several nice things every day. And your brain will help you sustain a
long-term deep attachment. We're built to love.
