The REASON You DON'T SUCCEED & How To Change Your FUTURE | Simon Sinek & Lewis Howes

the best leaders never think that they're the final that the buck stops with them they always believe that they're in service to something bigger than themselves the best leader is actually the best followers even if they're the highest levels of the organization they're still in service [Music] welcome to school of greatness my man we just started so we're gonna see you I'm glad you're here so good to see you would just say we were just saying that you've got one of the top what is it three or five most watched TED talks of all time and that was I think 10 years ago roughly 10 years ago and you were hustling hard to build your business and credibility and content and expertise before then but then you had to maximize that opportunity and you've been working hard and you just said you've been sacrificing social life does that mean intimate relationships as well as friendships family life what does that mean so when I discovered this thing called the Y I realized its power it had a remarkable remarkable influence over my life and I I loved sharing it I mean you know what it feels like you know the obsession with sharing the the ideas haven't hasn't gone away I was obsessed with it and I understood that I was the only mouthpiece for it and it was at a time when you know now people talk about purpose and business like it's no biggie back then it just wasn't a thing like this you know the idea and those who talked about it were like weird hippy dippy types you know it wasn't a mainstream thing yet and so I realized the power of the idea and I made a conscious decision that I was gonna you know everything comes at a cost there's no there's nothing for free whether it comes at a cost of money or a personal life or time or energy whatever it is everything costs something you know and so I made the choice that I was gonna put myself out there and I was gonna drive this message as hard as I could and I made a deal with myself that I would drive hard until I achieved momentum and I defined momentum as if I were to give energy the message would continue to spread the same or faster without me right in other words building a movement and where other people could spread the message as well and the sacrifice I made was I wasn't at home and so for a long period of time I was undated you know I'd meet someone amazing and I'd be like oh my god I had such a great time were you free for a second date in six weeks you know it's like when I would come home when I come home from a trip I'd be exhausted so just stay home yeah so I knew that that was happening and the nice thing is I'm the momentum is like it has its own momentum yeah and so now I'm I'm I'm a I'm sticking to my deal and instead of slowing down the amount it really I'm actually on the road okay so now you're looking for better ways in different ways to spread the message yeah the Internet is more mature podcasting as a thing social media is more mature there are other avenues that I can continue to spread the message without having to be unplanned yeah it doesn't have to be you on the ground but I like going out because I like I would much rather connect with people one on one well you're very talented what you do I mean I'm seeing you speak I think arc arc angel I was getting messed up is the Archangel or arcane Jonah gets Archangel yet we I saw you speak there we did a Q&A and it was like the best performance of the whole show so you have an amazing message when you speak so it's hard it's probably hard to be like well no one can say it like no one has the experience like I've had learning from all these great leaders to tell this story and I think that's a little probably challenging thank you but it I'm a great believer that for if a message has value it has to be simple understandable and repeatable yeah right because if you can make it simple that means somebody else can understand it and if somebody else can understand it that means they can repeat it without you there and without reading the words from a book right so my goal has always been when I am the one on the stage when I am the one on camera to try and present whatever ideas that I have in in such a simple way that somebody can understand them and internalize them and repeat those same ideas in their own words and that's very nice of you to say that you know but I I would feel it would be a very weak movement if I was the only one who could talk about right right you know and and and so so how important is the messenger then for the message well I think the messenger of course matters but but a message must be bigger than the messenger otherwise it'll every message would just die with the messenger right you know civil rights would have ended when Martin Luther King was assassinated but clearly it didn't because the message was bigger than the messenger but we look to the messenger to to inspire us and and and point into a far-off distant destination in the future and an unrealizable you know idealized vision of the future and and we take that vision and make it our own and we commit our own efforts and our own energies to building it no is there anything you regret in the last decade since you've been building the movement and momentum for the movement with the personal life of course I mean of course your leadership I mean of course we're gonna people you were like wow that could have been a great relationship or a friendship or greats yeah well you know the the the real the people that I'd really connected with my true friends have stuck with me through it all you know I I even now you know some people have said so there's a jab to me you're too busy to date and the reality is busy people are patient with busy people you know so you know I find that that's still the case right so look we make time for the things that matter to us yeah and and of course I have regrets but but regrets is not I wouldn't use the word regret of course there are things that I missed and but I made a choice that I'm very happy with that choice and I stand by that choice because not only have I had the opportunity the amazing experience to spread this message and see it actually grow and be bigger than me but I'm it's I've I've had the opportunity to live an absolutely surreal life because of it my life profoundly changed course and I cannot I can't it's not fair to compare those things they're not equals yeah you know you know everybody was straight here once curly hair with curly ones straight hair you know that once people are I mean I know people who have the stability in the home life and the families and look at my life and be like oh my god I wish I had that and you look at my life and I'm bouncing all around and it's the answer is I'm really grateful for the life that I live so no regret is not the word that I would use if there was a price I call their surprise that a constant I that I took willingly yeah you're either that's fine it's interesting you know Robert Greene the author of 48 laws of power oh yeah yeah art of seduction yeah I know the book all those books he came on when was that Tiffany like six months ago a year ago maybe his last book I'm framing in the name of the last book it's probably up here somewhere but he came on he came in here and he had a stroke right before his book came out and he he came in here a month after he had a stroke he had someone helping him it took him about 15 minutes to get from the door to sitting here and half of his body he was essentially paralyzed and he's sitting here like this could hardly move half his body was very slow and I said do you think and it took him about four years to write this book and I said do you think this book was the cause of this stroke and he said yes because I obsessed so much about the message Gillian and I said do you regret putting this book out and putting this much effort into this would you do it differently without the stroke he said um you know I wouldn't do it differently I'm willing to sacrifice this mmm for the message yeah I thought that was very I was a vehicle that bar I mean that you could take it back might do it differently in like balance a little bit yeah I admire it I mean what he was like I stand by this work and the message is that important for me I can get I get it when when I wrote leaders elast that that book I mean it was a behemoth yeah and I had you know nights and weekends were a fantasy you know and write was became an obsession I mean it was like a beautiful mind I used to keep a magic marker I'm not a magic marker a dry erase marker in my bathroom so that if I was in the shower and had an idea as soon as I got out of the shower right under the tiles and I'd stay they're brushing my teeth in the morning or the evening and had read one of the notes that I wrote on the tile and have another idea if you walked into my bathroom the tiles were filled with ideas I loved it I mean it was it was abstinent mean it was really insanity I mean it was fun though but but I lost two relationships over the course a night but yeah because I was not I was not myself I was stressed out and I was short and you know it was and as soon as the book was done I'm still friends with with one of my exes who was the one I was dating the right in that book and she she like she only knew me in that period and she knows me now and she's like this is better why not just nicer I'm just I'm less stressed yeah but would I have changed it no yeah those sacrifices that would have been nice for those relationships to have lasted but but you know the the book the message is bigger than me yeah isn't that way to get a message out while also taking care of your health and having some quality really again these are balances these are balances really learning how it's learning and look I'm I I couldn't write a book all the time yeah you know the the ones the one consolation is you know even though that book took two years it's done yeah it's only I never want to do that again it's a finite game yeah and and this one this one had it's had its moments as well but you know there's a light at the end of the tunnel is fine ayah I think where I actually think that that is actually a much more reasonable and livable lifestyle and I think what a lot of people live in reality where they work in an organization where their leaders are operating with a finite mindset but it's unlike me where the book ends and I'm done you know at the end of the quarter at the end of the year the job doesn't end right the business doesn't end it keeps going and going I think that's way more unhealthy where you're literally on a hamster wheel all the time you know and it ebbs and flows but it doesn't stop I think that's much more unhealthy at the time our four four employees of a company yeah oh yeah yeah so should there be a finite ending to employees no no no I'm saying what I'm saying is that the business needs to operate in a way in which in which they care about their people more and and and then these arbitrary finite things aren't the end-all be-all and create an environment which we can have stressful moments but there's not the sustained stress with the state I haven't got where does every day every day of our lives which we know has contributed to increases in cancer diabetes and heart disease I mean our jobs are literally killing us so I think short bursts of stress are not the problem the life that I live is actually I think pretty healthy yeah it's this it's the steady drip of cortisol when you go to a job where you you know where we don't believe that our bosses care about us and the company doesn't care about us and they have annual rounds of layoffs to pounce the books every year they don't they see me as a number and then the company has the audacity to say you know Millennials aren't loyal it's not what are you kidding me it's like they've entered into a workforce in which they're just treated as a disposable commodity why should they give you a loyal tea show a little loyalty to your people and you'll be amazed the loyal to their back right so I think that's a much healthier environment and that's what I rail against I'm railing right now you know so yeah I don't think my I don't think what I do is actually healthy I think short bursts of stress or funny well that's how you build momentum and it's managing you you need to go all-in or ahead of time to build something you know rocket take rocketship takes I think almost 50% and 150 percent of its fuel is from the first mile of launch yeah and then it can manage the momentum ever your go mental is a good thing it's amazing from zero to motion this is solving if you've ever gone you know got out of the bed to go to the gym that's harder how hard their being in the gym so hard to get up put your shoes on you talk about it a little bit about there's a whole industry around I think work-life balance is BS it's like there's a massive industry that's just trying to teach this and help people with work/life balance yeah the product seems like it's failing treating most treating a symptom isn't it you know it's you know it's like so many things in our life you see so here's the bad analogy so we buy running sneakers and they've really thick you know this yeah they have really thick heels the tons of padding and the heel right but that's because people don't know how to run right because we land with our heel which is bad for our joints you know you're not supposed to have that standard knee yeah well a bit you supposed to be a toe planter where your knees are always been to me you know all this so instead of teaching people how to run what we do is we just build shoes with more padding in the heel and treat the symptom rather than the cause right and I think it's it's the same thing you know we we treat symptoms instead of the cause so the work like balancing what we're doing is back instead of instead of changing businesses instead of changing the way of business operates and changing the way in which we teach leaders to operate with an infinite mindset so that we more naturally have work-life balance and let's be crystal clear what work-life balance means you know doing more yoga does not create work-life balance right that that's a shoe that's the cushion on the shoe right yeah the the imbalances I feel safe at home I don't feel safe at work that's the imbalance and no man of yoga or vacation time is gonna fix that what fixes that work/life imbalance is better quality leadership in our businesses and then what you'll find is the balance but instead what we do is we have an entire industry that's treating the symptom that's putting that's putting cushion on the shoe to make us feel kinda for an hour right that I've achieved that rain you know but it's just for an hour mhm and you know we literally market you know companies market themselves as helping provide you work/life balance unless you're teaching leaders to the people who are my bosses that you are not helping me achieve work like bounds you're helping me numb the pain it helped me cushion the blow but companies have you know a buffet of lunches every day when they have sleep pods nations when they have workout rooms yeah I have therapists are those treating symptoms or is that actually trying to create a more safe environment overall it's it's it's depends on the company if the company is well led then it's part of a broader scheme yeah if the company is poorly led then it's lipstick on a page it's you know you know you and I have both visited companies that are gorgeous yeah and have there's one company I'm thinking of that they're their corporate kitchen you know that the cafeteria the food is unbelievable you never want to leave but it's amazing for us as visitors it's amazing they get numb to it mm-hmm and I don't know a single person who would turn down a job offer because the food here is so good it doesn't exist but I know plenty of people who turned down job offers because I love working here I love my boss I feel a part of something bigger than myself but it figure myself yes your office is nicer than the one I work in yes your food is better than the food that I'm fed but I want to work here maybe give more time or whatever it is whatever it is in other words in other words the feeling we have interesting about coming to work is way more important now of course those things are nice I'm not gonna say too and tell you those things are not nice but those are not the things that make us loyal those are not the things that make us feel like we belong to something bigger than ourselves right those are just really nice things so is it one person's responsibilities that one leader of a company's responsibility to create a feeling of safe nosov feeling of something bigger is happening here a feeling of psychological safety and all the rest of it yeah well our just like you know that I want to be a part of this brand or this mission because it's something bigger than myself even though maybe somewhere else has better opportunities for food or yeah our fitness center is it one person in a business that's responsible is it the zeki of team's responsibility is it's everyone's responsibility to create that you know so it's more efficient when it comes from the top but it's anyone's responsibility you know leadership is a responsibility to people around us it's not a rank you've heard me say this before I know many people who sit at the highest levels of organizations who are not leaders right they have authority and we do as they tell us because they have authority over us but we would not follow them right and I know many people as do you who sit at lower levels of organizations who have no formal Authority in that they've made a choice to look after the person to the left of them and look after the person to the right of them and we would trust them and follow them anywhere in other words leadership can come from anywhere with them or Norton within an organization yes we have the right to demand to have better leaders and better leadership in our companies but when we don't quitting is not the only option nor is simply complaining but undertaking the task could be becoming the leader we wish we had Wow you know anyone at any level can can become a student of leadership and anyone at any level can choose to take to look after this person in that person and work tirelessly to see that they rise they become better versions of themselves and that they show up to work inspired and go home feeling fulfilled and feel safe when they're at work because of us and though though the organization itself may be dysfunctional there are pockets diamonds in the coal mine and if you get enough of those pockets the tail can actually wag the dog so that's the great irony of all of this which is the power belongs to people this is a this is just an anthropological truth or you know the power always belongs to people which is why dictators bus in crowds to to give the appearance that they're popular or they actually have fake elections to give the appearance that they have a mandate dictators do that right if the type of the people didn't have the power dictators wouldn't need rallies and they wouldn't need election rights right dictators fear the people right because people have the power in any op in any population in any organization and what keeps dictators and bad leaders authorities in power is by keeping the people divided because if you can create mistrust amongst neighbors then the people can never come together and never just put depose the leader and so if you look at any dictatorship that ever existed there are systems within East Germany during the Cold War you know we didn't know who was telling on us so everybody kept to themselves and nobody trusted anybody neighbors didn't trust neighbors and that allows authoritarian organizations to to do as they please the people which when people come together you know it's it's not it's not it's not Congress that just woke up one day and decided the Civil Rights Act that's a pretty good idea it was thousands and thousands and thousands of people marching you know in in in peaceful protests that put unbelievable pressure on us on a system to change and anything that's ever happened in the world where there's been revolution or evolution that happened this way people always have the power and this is very true and their business as well the people have the power and so if we have mass layoffs on an annualized basis and you create internal competition what you're doing is you're pitting people against people especially if you create a system where we've only incentivized based on individual performance so in a sales organization for example if my income literally depends on how many sales I get and you're gonna I'm gonna keep stuffing why would I help you yeah right if the people divided you keep the system that we've got but as soon as the people come together good things happen and so I'm a great believer that those of us who believe that there's a better way to build a corporate environment those of us who believe that we're that it that that that being able to say I love my job is a right it's a it's not a privilege it's not for a lucky few who get to go home at the end of the day and say I love my job right it's not some some lottery that you win it okay you know you go to a dinner party and you ask them if you like your job and they go I love my job and we go off you're so lucky they didn't win anything right it's not luck right we are entitled it is our it is our god-given right to love going to work why is that because I think human beings are tribal animals and all of us want to feel inspired we all want to feel like we're part of something bigger than ourselves we all want to have some sort of physical and psychological safety whether it's at home or work you know we we fear war we fear crime and we we want to feel psychologically safe at home we want to safety and at the end of the day every human being on the planet once the feeling that I can provide for myself and my family there's nobility and work you know handouts don't work and they and they destroy the human ego you know there's nobility in being able to do a hard day's worth of work and and collect a paycheck and when I do really well somebody says good job here's a little extra for you because you're a valuable member of the tribe and we want to make sure that we're incentivizing the behavior that you are doing and the behavior you're doing is you're taking care of something bigger than yourself before there was corporate jobs you know what were people doing do people feel entitled with or are sorry nothing that entire but they feel like they were all working on their own before that they were doing their own craft they were doing stuff in the families a tribe what was happening human beings Homo sapiens been on this planet and fifty thousand years ish right and for forty of those fifty thousand years literally four-fifths of our time on this planet we lived in populations that were never larger than about 150 people and we did more live on top of each other and they were counting disease and the way we survived in these dangerous times where we took care of each other you know we contributed some people build things some people hunted the things some people made food some people we took care of the kids we were their families and and and the wealth was distributed you know there's there's there's evidence they found in anthropological digs where the best cuts of meat which you would think would go to all the alphas because I'm the strongest I get to choose the food first you know the best cuts of meat which they can tell by the bones are actually distributed amongst the tribe in other words the the alphas the leaders yes they were entitled to eat first that's just the way we are we're hierarchical animals even nobody has a problem that somebody more senior nobody has a nobody has visceral contempt for the idea that somebody more senior in an organization makes more money than me we're okay with our alpha is getting better treatment yeah you know nobody has a problem with celebrities you know getting getting a table in the restaurant that we have drank forever we're okay with it you know it's it's one of the reasons we all try and work you know increase our standing in in society by doing good you know hopefully you do it in a good way not just getting you know internet famous which is getting Fame without any contribution to society different subject right but it was it was a it was it was shared hardships shared sacrifice for the good of each other you know that doesn't mean there was an ego and selfishness in of course but at the end of the day we needed each other you know and then about 10 or 12,000 years ago we started farming we didn't need to travel anymore we could stay put and we could also sustain much larger populations then about 150 because we could because we could amass resources this also allowed for ruling classes and Intelligencia and things like that you can have an entire group of people who didn't hunt and didn't gather they just governed mmm you know like it's a ruling class that's what it is were they just thought about laws a person yeah like you could we had the resources for that and we were okay with it and it's a good thing because look at the advancements in modern society in the past 10,000 years simply because we we couldn't we know you didn't have to go toil the field you you could actually go invent something good innovate you can innovate right so it's a good thing but scale breaks things for human beings yeah you know we were not naturally made for living in large populations and so the way it works best is when when we when we organize it to smaller groups which is why hierarchy matters which is why leadership training matters so you asked about is the tough person responsible no the top person was responsible for taking care of the people in their direct responsibility and ensuring that they are charged with and incentivized to take care of the people you know with their direct responsibility who were charged with and incentivized to take care of the people in their direct responsibility and the people on the front lines are actually doing all the work feel taken care of and and are happy to contribute there's a marine that I know who he's a Marine general who says the way he can judge the quality of a lieutenant is he listens he listens to how the the troops talk about their lieutenant so when he's not around when is it whenever is that the lieutenant or is it our lieutenant they take possession of their leader right that's our lieutenant right versus that it's always the colonel it's never our colonel so it's the colonel because there's no relationship it's two to distant right so as soon as we take possession emotional possession of our leaders there's a there's a sign of devotion and mutual trust that that relationship starts with how the leader leads you know yes we have a responsibility to give back but we call you leader not because you have the rank we call you leader because you took the risk to trust first we you took your we took all you leader because you took the risk to build the relationship first you took the risk to create the circle of safety first you took the risk to go headfirst towards the vision first that's why we call you leader because you undertook an element of risk youyou literally lead you went first right nothing to do with rank into the unknown into the unknown whatever it is right and and then we have a responsibility to go I'm coming I support you know there's good followership to not to you always do this to me whenever we get together you know the best leaders are actually the best followers mmm in what ways what do you mean the best leaders never think that they're the final that the buck stops with them they always believe that they're in service to something bigger than themselves and even if that leader the person in leadership position gets to the tippy top of whatever organization they still feel that they're subordinate to something even bigger right so the Pope this still thinks that he's in service to something bigger than than him right a CEO of a visionary organization feels that they are still beholden to and in and following a vision bigger than them so the best leader is actually the best followers even if they're the highest levels of the organization they're still in service right it may not be to a person but to a call to a quadrant idea a vision odd something whatever it is there's still some sort of something that they're beholden to and they're devoted to and they're in service too so so followership is a thing and not to belabor the marine point but you know Marines when they evaluate their leader looking good for good leadership and good followership so for example there when you go through OCS Officer Candidate School selection when somebody is a for a task you know chosen to be the leader of that group for that task though the the Marines are watching the others as well so they're looking to see that everybody's contributing ideas and they're looking to see that that leader takes in those ideas but is decisive and and they're looking to see that the members of the group if their idea isn't picked they still give their all to see that the the leaders idea is successful and if it fails give it their all to pick up the pieces and see what they can do as opposed to going like I told you should have got in my way right right I was right or sabotaging because their idea didn't get picked so they go all in so so good followership is is as important as good leadership that that we respect that that when a decision is made we will we will give our blood sweat and tears to see that the decision our leaders have made will be successful and if it fails we will help pick up the pieces because that's the deal what if you don't believe in the idea you may not believe in that in the choice but you rather believe in the idea gotcha you know you've been a regular the great idea a big choice of getting there and and and that's just part of life yeah you know heck man I disagreed with my own ideas you know I've been pigheaded and dogmatic about this is the way we gotta go and everybody is wonderful and and like Cole's a part of things like okay I kind of screwed the pooch on that one yeah but I take accountability you know or we find in the middle somebody goes hey if we do this we can probably be more successful and we pivot there's there has to be at the decision-making ranks there has to be a humility that the ideas don't always have to come from me right Bob Gaylor v Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force is the best definition of humility I've ever heard he said don't confuse humility with meekness humility is being open to the ideas of others so you know it's not about like oh shucks that's not family you know you and I know some room our cabal leaders people of great power and authority and they have huge egos you know they know they're good and they don't mind talking about how good they are but when somebody says hey I got an idea if they lean in like they're little kids they go let's hear it you know I'm looking at some of the photographs on your wall and some of the folks that I know here they have an insatiable curiosity for ideas and even though they're unbelievably accomplished if you have something to share with them they want to talk about it they want they want to hear about it that's humilating to me you know so it's not this you know it's not me it's you know self-confidence is a good thing thinking you're better than everyone else that's unhealthy that's good yeah you know thinking you're good is healthy thinking you're better than others is unhealthy mmm-hmm humility is not thinking that you're not good how do you have a it's not thinking of you how do you develop self-confidence we're kind of going off here now but I'm this is a topic I'm really passionate about right now I believe self-doubt is one of the biggest killers to anyone's dreams yeah so how does someone develop self-confidence and sustain it with the ever going changes and stresses and uncertainties that always come up yeah once you reach a certain level there's a new uncertainty you know so I think it's ironic that we call it self-confidence because I don't for one think it comes from the inside I think our self-confidence comes from the outside right you mean and that's the wrong way of going about it or you think that's where it comes from in general the we are being misdirected by the name when we say build yourself confidence that's the instruction is saying go inside look inside oneself but I think that's I think that's I think that's a false direction children aren't born self-confident their confidence is built from their parents and their friends and their teachers where they're rewarded when they do well and they're pushed when they fail when they can do better simply you know what we know this that's simply telling kids that they're great all the time actually doesn't build self confidence actually does the total opposite right and I for one I can tell you my in my own experience my own self-confidence a hundred percent comes from the relationships that I have it's not some deep internal fortitude you know a world-famous trapeze artist is not gonna try a brand new death-defying act for the first time without a net so it's the people in my life it's it's when when I do doubt myself that somebody says you got this when somebody says I believe in you when somebody says no matter what happens whether it succeeds or fails I'm gonna be by your side that's when I have the confidence to do difficult things Wow right I don't have some natural battery that I that just you know that that to me is bravado yeah I don't know that's self-confidence you know you know being a huge risk taker is not an indication of self-confidence to me you know jumping out of a plane and jumping out of a plane with a parachute are two different things right right to me self-confidence is measured and there should be a degree of doubt but but I I think true self confidence belief and one's self and belief in one's cause you know I could not do the things that I'm doing and I would not have the strength to have made the sacrifices that I've made or continue to wake up on a daily basis to drive to spread this message if I were alone and so when we talk about building when self confidence I think the mistake that we make is that we look inside I think the reality is when were trying to build our self-confidence we should be looking to our friends we should be nursing our relationships when I'm looking to build my self-confidence the question is who around me do I need to take care of you know the way we bid Oh self-confidence is by helping somebody else build theirs it's an actus we will build our confidence with an act of service so I'll tell you a true a true story so I did an experiment I love doing experiments in my own life yeah I mean you know thoughts I'm like let's try this one out so I have a very dear friend who is stuck with me through thick and thin who she is absolutely profoundly one of the reasons that I am Who I am today right and I have my confidence in large part because of her right she's one of a small group of people who I I look at it safe mm-hmm yes yeah good friend right she was struggling like seriously struggling oh let me take a step back so we decided that we were gonna look at she was she was struggling she goes through the she was going through some hard hard things in her life career wasn't going the way she wanted her personal relationship was struggling there was a there's a lot of lack of confidence it was a lot of rough she was lacking confidence yeah and we would get together on a regular basis and I would attempt to coach her you know and she feel great for the hour after she left me and then it would very quickly go back to normal and we'd get back together and I would coach her and she felt great for the hour after she left me and then it would go back to normal and I wouldn't I can't say that there was some profound change being made so I don't harebrained idea I went to her and I said I need your help I said I'm struggling I don't have a coach that I that I love and trust you've known me for years I trust you with you know with everything I feel unbelievably safe around you I can you put together a program and can you coach me I think you're good at it and I it wasn't reciprocal as and I'll coach you you coach me I said it's just I want I need your help because I'm struggling it was legit it wasn't like I was just making stuff it was a religion I need I could do with the help and I trusted her to help me and something profound started to happen over the course of just a few weeks it wasn't even a few months but over the course of a few weeks she started to gain way more confidence mmm her career started to really move in a more positive direction her relationship firmed up and the more that she was in service to to me the more that she grew herself so I think self-confidence I wish we didn't call it self-confidence because like I said I think it gives a false direction the way we build confidence is with you know con means with doesn't it I just so I have no idea the technology of comfort I see interest is making stuff up here but con means with the need to confide let's look this up because fidelity [ __ ] you know is something to do with truth so so confide right yeah look it up with the etymology of cut look at the etymology of confidence you know it's it's to confide is is to is to people like a conspiracy is a co whisper that's what conspiracy is the co whisper so confidence is its Co fidelity right what is it so I let's see let's see if the instinct ism is mad by the animala G of the word and which if it is I'm still okay with it yeah you what do you give what does it say so it comes from late Middle English confident translations origins and meaning here we go on ly 10ml any dictionaries good love it where's the word come from it's about trust or reliance mmm-hmm but what's the actual item ology of the word yeah I'm not gonna sit here and waste every day like in the list but it's kind of some a comfy dre and feed ray means to trust mmm to trust yourself fortress overcome what has come mean it means with it means with trust that could be with trust with yourself I think it's been miss I that's my point I think it's been I think it's like a conspiracy require a conspiracy requires two people you cannot have a conspiracy with one person it's a co whispering mmm you know you commit the crime of conspiracy when you tell someone something and and you're both in on it so I think confident a con confidence is the same thing I think it's I think it's at least two people who undertake the task of of trust and reliance so she was coaching you and you saw a change with over a few weeks of her and silk and her her Colleen herself her belief in herself grew when she was in service to helping me helping me and so and so that goes back to the root of the question how do you build your self-confidence or how do you overcome self-doubt how do you have overcome self-doubt help someone else overcome self-doubt I love that I love that overcome self-doubt by helping like and it's not a selfish thing I'm only helping you so I can you have to genuinely love and commit to the person this person that you're helping you have to genuinely care about their success and their confidence and and and and their lot in life yeah so yeowch everything comes back to service its and I like that goes back to the origins of humankind right which is which is we are naturally tribal animals and we are we are we actually are at our best when we are in service to each other and a cause greater than ourselves when we focus on what we're lacking what we don't have what's not working for us the challenges we're going through the more doubt we're gonna have a wreck when we're inwardly focused on what we don't have I wish we'd had this conversation about eight months ago because I would have written half the stuff right now because this is because this is this is what the infinite mindset is all about a finite mindset is win win win be number one be the best me me me anyway when meaning win at all cost not win win the correct not that win - win win win is win come away go away you win I win the world wins right we all will be humanity wins it's a whirlwind that's not it's not right so so right so we are we are players in different games every day of our lives whether we like it or not there's no such thing as being number one in marriage like good luck with that all right yeah that's our there's no there's no one who's declared the winner of life like we come we go like if you make more money than somebody else you're not the winner of life yeah sorry sorry right some day you die some day you're just dying you don't take it with you yeah you and there's no such thing as winning business or winning global politics but if we listen to too many leaders they talk about being number one being the best and beating their competition this was this was me in my entire life yeah it's a lot of tell like six seven years we learned that doesn't work that you're an Olympian well I haven't made the Olympics but I'm not the only big handball team yes on the national team okay whatever you're the highest level of athletics yes and you know this from spending time with athletes just individual athletes no it's all about a we're team athletes tend to be a lot healthier yeah so like individual athletes when they reach the top of their game Michael Phelps Andre Agassi they become the greatest in the world the next thing that happens to them is depression up right where as team athletes you win the World Series you win the Super Bowl it doesn't like deep depression is not the next thing that has some people maybe but not and the you know Olympic athletes are is such a uni and I talk to a bunch of them for this blood but gymnast who are like 16 you have a billion people watching you win the gold medal yeah now what and it is one of the most selfish finite pursuits because the entire pursuit is I'm gonna be number one the old Merrill ran they all say the same thing I want to win the Olympics well you don't actually win the Olympics you win your other things yeah you know but they all say the same thing I'm gonna win the Olympics right and and then they say nonsense like you know no one inspire all the little children not a single one of them on their vision boards has pictures of little children overcoming in person you know they have pictures of them standing on podiums medals all the trophies are the vision boards it's entirely a selfish person s right and any inspiration to little kids it's just a lucky strike action that's really good for the first come right right right but not a single one of them is waking up doing it for the kids right I drag myself of running in the rain I missed Thanksgiving for the kids didn't happen never on any planet right it was for me right and so there's this you know whether they whether they meddle or not when they when they're done even if they were medalists when they're done with the Olympics and their ability to pursue they spent their entire lives from their childhood to adulthood striving to be number one you know and let's be honest they're not the best they're just better than everybody else that day that day which is really funny to me right which is you can get a gold medal in pick it and pick a sport ice skating and you fell in your routine but if everybody else fell twice you're the best you're the best you're the winner but you're not you're just better than everybody else in the competition because it's funny Beca and finite has known players fixed rules and agreed-upon objectives it's only the players but it's not life and there's an imbalance yes finite games are very important finite games and finite objectives are essential in an infinite game right but there but the infinite game is the context for those finite games I need to excel or or be the best here in order to X right and recognize that this is not the end-all Beall the analogy for living with an infinite mindset is not about winning right the better analogy is is exercise right so how do you how do you how do you be a healthy person well you have to eat well you have to sleep get enough sleep you have to nurse your personal relationships and you have to exercise if you do some of those things you'll be healthier than doing none of those things but you kind of have to do them all right living in infinite mindset is the same thing there's a series of practices do some you'll be better than none but you kinda have to do them all right right and the way the finite mindset fits into it is I want to get into shape I've been sitting on the couch for most of my life watching TV I'm gonna get into shape and I have a fitness goal a finite goal then I can easily measure my weight I can look on a scale and it can measure the progress and I've made the goal that I'm gonna lose this amount of weight by this date and so I commit to a healthy lifestyle I better I exercise more and getting more sleep and I'm watching the weight fall off and I miss my goal I don't lose the amount of weight that I wanted to lose by the dead time yeah so what yeah you still healthier and you're on your proton you're on the road to being healthier and I can see for a fact that you absolutely will hit the goal later on and even if you hit the goal the problem is you can't stop exercising you have to do it for the rest of your life yeah that's what an infinite mindset is an infinite mindset is more like a lifestyle which is yes absolutely having finite goals is very important we are absolutely driven by goals we like measuring things it is much easier to get into the lifestyle of exercise and the habit of it if I have metrics look at the insanity of fitbit's and things like that which is what we heard done is actually unhealthy and has ever obsessiveness will talk you know it's not a subject but the point is it's helping people get up and have a healthier lifestyle we like measuring stuff it's just it's a human thing right but but it's not about winning it's not about actually it's not actually about the goal the goal goals and and metrics are simply a way to help us measure speed and distance I've lost this amount of weight over this amount of time right you cannot run a marathon without mile markers it's unnerving the mile markers help me measure how far I've got yeah how far I've gone and how fast if I got there and the metrics we have at work help us measure how far we're moving and how fast we're moving towards a vision that is for all practical purposes unrealizable hmm right that's the infinite game there's a context and so when we beat ourselves up because we miss an arbitrary number by an arbitrary date but the question is are we building a healthy organization and I would rather organizations do all the right things to build a healthy organization even if they miss arbitrary dates one of my favorite stories is Gary ridge from wd-40 wd-40 is a public company huge company that's a decent sized company which is kind of incredible cuz its basics just well basically it's like a semi one race it's you know it's very sophisticated lubricant is actually for the space program but by the way we talked about you know fancy food and their offices free they just moved into a new office recently their old offices or a dump really and yet the morale through the roof why is that people love work because it was never about the office it was about the people it's never about the office it was about the people right anyway they haven't lovely do office now but still about the people that's why I said before it's you know is it the food well it depends on the company anyway he was on one of his quarterly analyst calls and hit one of the analysts said you missed your numbers and Gary said no I didn't I missed yours minor minor fine Wow right and that's the point which is we there's nothing wrong with having metrics and goals those are very important to human beings but to what end what are we serving bigger than ourselves right so my analogy is like as like an iceberg right so we know that the majority of an iceberg lies underneath the water so when there's a tiny tiny tiny bit of the iceberg sitting above the ocean right it's the visionary who can see beneath the ocean it's the visionary who set who stands there and and even though know everybody sees a tiny or nothing they can see nothing the visionary is able to explain what exists in their imagination only okay it only exists in the imagination and and they inspire a few people to join them because like that's yes we can do that and they start working and a little bit of the iceberg shows and a few people go oh it's gonna work and so they commit to joining the movement or the company and a little more of the iceberg shows right and before too long enough of the iceberg shows that people can go this is a real thing you're not insane and crazy what you're doing is actually in reality but the thing is the vast majority of the iceberg so it still exists under the ocean and so what the visionary does is constantly remind us where we're going and how much more we have to do and though we can celebrate how much we've achieved how much of the iceberg is sticking up above the ocean the reality is we have way more work and when I die it's it's still going to be the majority underneath and that's what the movement is all about the metrics help us measure how fast and how far of the how much of the iceberg we've revealed but the infinite game is understanding that the majority of our work still lies undiscovered mm-hmm dude I wish we had three hours because this is amazing but I want to finish with a few questions to be mindful of our time and there's so much more good stuff in this book I want you guys to get this make sure to get the infinite game check this out a lot of good stuff that we haven't even started to scratch the surface on but so much good stuff this interview well I think everything that we talked about has been influenced by what I've learned in that book okay I mean there's a lot more we don't necessarily have to talk about chapter 3 you know right but I can tell you that that you know I write about the ideas that that mould me indirectly my work is some made of semi autobiographical you know start with why was born out of my loss of my passion hmm and a discovering of a concept that that put me on a road where my passion was greater than ever I'd ever experienced and I shared with my friends that's just how it began yeah and my friends invited me to their homes to share with their friends that's just how it started and how was I to know that there would be a TED talk in a book I had no no imagination for that I just knew that I loved sharing this idea that it was awesomely powerful and it changed the way I nobody saw the world but operated within it and leaders eat last was the struggle I was having with trust you know I saw I kept meeting members of the military who would lay down their lives for people they didn't even like we're in business people don't even like to give up credit for things I wanted what they had we call each other colleague and co-worker they call each other brother and sister I want that I want to work in that environment right and so my initial theory was that they're just better people and you find that our people in the military because they're drawn to a life of service but the more I started to learn the more I started to discover that it wasn't the people it was the environment and that anyone can create those kinds of relationships in that kind of trust if you get the right environment that's what I wrote about him leaders elast which directed how I live my life and see the world and now this book is no different which is in my I'm I'm I'm an idealist I imagine a world in which the vast majority of people can wake up every single morning inspired feel safe at work and then turn them fulfilled at the end of the day and people tell me that I'm crazy and people tell me stop being such an idealist and when I talk to CEOs they say to me you don't understand business and it gets you know and and to many of us are going to work with an uncomfortable feeling that this isn't what work should feel like right and yet those in power those with more money than us and more influence and let us then more authority than us keep telling us that they're right and we're wrong that we don't understand how business work that this is how things are for example shareholder supremacy right and so we just go to work uncomfortable yeah but I trust the human instinct I don't believe that when the majority of people feel feel that something is not right that it's the few people who know and the rest of us are wrong and I got tired of people telling me and the discovery of this little idea by Jim cars you know he was the first one that really beautifully eloquently articulated this concept of finite men from the games and unleashed a whole new way of seeing the world I realized oh my god I'm not the one who doesn't understand business they're the ones that don't understand business right I know my goodness all of us who have this really uncomfortable feeling that this isn't how work should be we're right and so this book is this concept and I took Jim's work and the goal was he perfectly articulated what an infinite game was but I but I was stuck with the challenge was like whoa what do we do with that why do we build upon that how do I actually apply it how do I create an organization how do I change my mindset in order to operate with with infinity to operate with an infinite mindset why does it what practically what practical things can an organization do can leaders do to go from a finite mindset to an independent mindset that's what I the challenge I was set upon and so it is profoundly influenced the way I see the world and profoundly influenced the way in which I navigate through it now so every answer they I've given you today absolutely has run through the filter sure and has has come through the education of learning about and writing this this little treatise for to wrap things up what would be three things that a leader of an organization who's listening to this or watching this right now could say could start to apply something that they could do tomorrow yeah then they go into their work and they got a team of five people here five thousand people sure and they can get started with three things a couple things couple to have there to start the momentum of creating this family environment yeah people coming up coming to work maybe they don't love their everything about they're sure that they feel to like every day but you to get to love it yeah and they think you don't safe at home you don't like your kids every day but yeah you feel safe at work you feel safe at home you're you know like you're part of a bigger mission what would be three things they could do it and also three things that an employee yeah of companies could do tomorrow yeah I'm gonna work okay so the tomorrow thing is a good constraint so I would say that there are two three concepts in there that can be done tomorrow what is to build trusting teams and we've talked about this already which is which is being the person in charge doesn't make you the leader yeah every single person that has the capacity to be the leader they wish they had and so I'm a great believer that leaders are made not born right it's a skill set yeah you can learn it you can practice it not everybody wants to learn it not everybody's gonna be good at it and it takes a lifetime of work it does and you'll never be the best right and so for people who want to be the leader they wish they had they have to become students of leadership you have to read books you have to watch talks you have to read articles you have to have conversations about it you and I have these conversations when we're not on camera all the time all the time right we are genuinely interested in the subject and when we hang out with each other and it's weird talking about that's what we talk about we talk about the stuff all the time yeah right so you know I talk to small companies all the time say we don't have a budget for for a leadership training I'm like do you have the budget to buy a book or gasps or videos club yeah once once a week get together over lunch and talk about a chapter of a book that everybody's reading or I'm article that you read or a TED talk or a podcast that you know give everybody homeworks or watch something for 18 minutes and then talk about it on Friday at lunch congratulations you have a leadership development program and don't assign anybody to run it that's the people who are already reading the books watching the pod the the talks and listening to the podcast as then delete it because they have genuine interest every single one of us can be the leader in which we wish we had so on Monday if you want to be the leader you wish you had that start really learning become a student of leadership do do watch one pod talk listen to one podcast buy a new book about the subject and just do it yourself whether the company endorses it or not do it yeah that'll make you a better qualified leader okay other people that left Oprah like that so you can do that on one day what else can you do on Monday so one of the things that I go into in this book is about changing our mindset away from having competitors to having rivals so there were there are other players of the game right a competitor in the game is someone that beat mm-hmm right hmm but in this game there's no such thing and so you we have to change our mindset away from having competition which is finite and directed towards having rival we which is infinite we should not have internal competition but having rivals internally is fine you know we've all had the experience where somebody in our company got promoted and we got angry right like what's going on inside you right you got mad at someone else's success and I generally believe that a wordy rival is someone whose strengths reveal to you your weaknesses and we can take that energy and direct it against them in a competitive spirit or we can take all those uncomfortable feelings and say where can I grow what what self work do I have to do right so it's the same in businesses I'll give you a great example I'm worthy rivalry so in the go back a bunch of years probably 10 15 years when Starbucks was really becoming a thing it was a huge backlash because they were putting mom and pops out of business remember yeah turns out right that when Starbucks moved into a neighborhood mom and pops actually did diner Wow because a few things happened one there was a sort of a grassroots rumble to support the local business and the others have brought customers now the problem was there were remember what coffee shops used to be coffee shops used to be some dingy little hole in the wall with a ripped couch right and when Starbucks moved into her neighborhood it was nice it's nice and serving them up level so the ones that thrived were the ones that saw Starbucks not as a competitor but as a worthy rival that Starbucks existence reveal to us our weaknesses and we upped our game the ones who went out of business are the ones who got mad that Starbucks was stealing all the customers because they didn't change a thing okay you've heard a hole in the couch give you a better example I'm lactose intolerant so I don't I don't put milk in my coffee right there was a Starbucks there's a mom-and-pop these are true stories this happened to me many times in the early days mom-and-pop across the street I want to support the local business walk into the mom-and-pop from the back of the line I go hey do you guys have soy milk no we don't yeah I want to cross the street to Starbucks they had soy milk I said you went out of business because you wouldn't up your game that's worthy rivalry worthy rivalry is someone else who's really good at what they do reveals to me why weaknesses and it's an opportunity for me to grow and be better at what I new taxi companies are suing uber and or just not Gooper Cooper do you have to be sued for a lot of things sure the companies are up in arms about ride-sharing news flash an app is not putting you out of business because you couldn't call a cat taxi with an app it's not the app it's that in some cities not all cities right the product that I get when I get an uber is better superior I live in New York City right in general uber lyft Juneau is a superior product there's a nice person in a nice car versus getting in the back of a New York City cab which quite frankly it's just a shame it's a bad product so they can complain about the app and sue the ride-sharing companies or they can up their game right we this over and over again when people complain and file lawsuits against a new competitor but it's because that competitor is exploiting a weakness that you have an opportunity to fix that differentiate the difference between rivalry and competition competition I set out to beat which if it means I have to bring them down I'll bring them down rivalry is about lifting me up I don't care there's nothing about winning or losing this is about constant constant constant improvement starting tomorrow find your worthy rivals at work and outside work in other words who the people at work our colleagues let's be honest they're better than us are better than they need a better leaders or they're smarter or they're better product development or they're better salespeople or they're better designers admire them learn from them grow don't see them as people to be beaten see them as people to reveal to us where we have opportunities for growth and the same goes for companies who are the companies out there in your industry outside your industry you pick your own worthy rivals it doesn't matter pick as many as you want who is out there doing a better job than you right Airlines should all admire Southwest because it helps them up their game right so who are the other organizations out there who are better than you so reveals to you you opportunities for improvement they're real they're really good at that yeah right yeah what can we do better we can do that you can do that on Monday okay okay and then the third one is just the courage to lead which is which is the finite game is just easier it's more fun it's the thrill of competition you know the all of that stuff it's not it's a thrill man the finite game is thrilling and exciting and seductive right it's it's like it's like eating chocolate cake versus eating healthy it's like sleeping in versus going to the gym it's just the momentum for the infinite games I mean for the finite game it's just easier yeah right the infinite game and then infinite mindset it's work it's a it's go to the gym it's making sure you get enough sleep it's sacrificing for your friends it's eating healthy do I want to do it no can I cheat of course I can but you know it's it's hard work it's hard work to to change an organization's incentive structure away from individual achievement you know and include not abandon but include a team effort yeah you know it's it's it's hard not to see the end of the court at the end of the year as the mo Beal rather just a guidance that are we on the right path you know I reject this whole notion of hyper growth companies you know I talked to Kim is like we're hyper growth is that good yeah yeah I is that I don't know that is that good like somebody just put on you know 20 pounds of muscle in a month is that healthy right that doesn't sound fast yeah I don't know who said hyper growth or that we've organized our company for high-speed growth why for what purpose growth is a dial it's like a retail organization right that we have it we're we're hyper growth we're gonna open 200 stores this year yeah and in the process you're not hiring the right people and you're not training them right and by the way the store experienced disaster right so that's why we're gonna close right in a couple years so you dial it down but could you recognize you're growing too fast it's not healthy so you dial it down we're gonna open 20 stores this year instead doesn't matter what the pressure from the outside tells us that's where the courage comes from it makes more sense for us to open 20 stores and hire the right people train them properly get those stores really humming and then we'll see about right so there's nothing wrong with having the 200 but if you recognize that we're actually breaking things on the way to getting 200 you dial it down yeah right so I do not believe in hyper growth I do not believe in fast growth I believe in healthy growth sometimes it's fast but sometimes it actually needs to be slower yeah all right it's the same for losing weight it's the same for putting on muscle you know the best things I think I think the only thing that grows for the sake of growth is cancer all right no fast yeah no that's the only thing that grows just for the sake of growing you know yeah everything else should have a reason for growing so I love this man I know we could talk forever but I want to respect your time don't get the impression I feel like I could just listen you forever so go get me up in a game I have two final questions for you I'll try and it can get this speak slow this is you guys can pre-order this get this now it's everywhere books are sold it gonna be very powerful for you whether you're an employee you're a leader a leader in an organization already or you're an independent contractor or whatever you're at this could be powerful for you in your life yeah if you're running a family if it doesn't matter where you're gonna might set it ablaze with a lot of places and this is a question I didn't get to ask you last time because I think I started asking it until maybe the next year really yet or not so this is called the three truths okay so imagine it's your last day on earth and many years away mm-hmm and you do you've created everything you want to create in your life you've got the family you want the relationships you've moved up the businesses you your ideals have impacted the world sure whatever you want to do it's happened before whatever reason you got to take everything with you all your books your work your TED Talks it's all gone right it's with you to the next world oh you take it with you to take it with you wherever you're going so no one has access to the infinite game okay all these different okay that's all if your body of work has now let gone with you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but you get to leave behind three things a piece of paper and write three things down and this is what the world has left three things you know to be true three lessons that you would share with the world from everything you've learned up to this point that you'd think that would be helpful lessons for the world to use as a guide what would you say are your three truth I mean this is so cheesy but I can't that's where my mind went I mean it's it's the first one is start with why like know why you do what you do and start there you know the second one is is you know commit your life to a life of service take care of the people around you you know and the third one is commit yourself to to a vision of the world that that you'll never practically achieve but you'll you'll die trying you know devote devote so start with a sense of a foundation of purpose take care of the people around you and and and commit your work - to drive something bigger than yourself that's good yeah I love this for ask the final question something I want to acknowledge you for just consistently showing up with so much passion so much heart so much wisdom you can do so much research and work into your ideas and you create frameworks so that we can understand them and apply these ideas to our life so I can ology for just consistently being you and showing up and and I nod you for finally allowing yourself to get into intimate relations yes it's a can you allow the momentum to continue to move while you enjoy other areas as well as well you know I'm very very grateful to people like you because it's because of people like you that give me a platform to share these ideas to allow these ideas to exist outside of me yeah that that that I can that I can achieve the balance that I promised myself yeah so or support of the message for you manses I'm super grateful to you of course one of the best is four and we're both working together - it's a joy final question what's your definition of greatness I think greatness is living a life committed to see the others find greatness mm-hmm for me greatness is about service although it be - it's a clinic thanks for so good to see you man appreciate you you

Channel: Lewis Howes

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Keywords: lewishowes, the school of greatness, podcast, interview, 2019, business, self help, motivation, Simon Sinek, Start with why, inspiration, inspire others, infinite mindset, leader, winner mentality, responsibility, community, environment, leadership, author, business consultant, great work environment, purpose, sacrifice, self-confidence, controlling stress, simon sinek, start with why, simon sinek motivation, lewis howes, simon sinek success, simon sinek advice, simon sinek interview, mindset

Id: SG4EWUlXci0

Length: 69min 30sec (4170 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 15 2019