Translator: Ellen Maloney
Reviewer: Denise RQ "You look like a slut." "You will never amount to anything." Your Dad's a drunk." These words rang in my ears as a child and made me feel
so imperfect on the inside, it triggered a desire in me
to appear perfect on the outside. For many years, I thought
being perfect was a great thing. At the age of 16, I had my hair
feathered and flipped, and my ears pierced. It was the 70s and everyone wanted
to look like Farrah Fawcett. When my teachers saw this,
and they saw my effort, they told me I looked like a slut. This triggered a belief in me
that to try and look pretty, and especially if I got attention,
must mean that I was a slut. Another role model told me
that I would never amount to anything. At that point forward, I was determined
to succeed at anything, at any cost. When the talk around town about my father
being a drunk was no longer just gossip, and I thought that everyone everywhere
knew that my father was an alcoholic, which he was, I began to keep everything in,
and zipped up, and perfect, to try and control the chaos around me. When these three events collided, it triggered my desire
to be a perfectionist. The collateral damage was the loss of joy. Hello. I am Petra Kolber,
and I am a recovering perfectionist. Some see perfection
as a driver to their success, and in turn, their happiness. For a few, this might be true. For most of us, perfectionism
is actually the roadblock between the life we are living,
and creating a life of our dreams. The paradox of perfectionism
is that unlike living a virtuous life, we strive to be the best that we can be. We view mistakes as mini milestones
along the road to our success. Perfectionists strive to be flawless; they see their mistakes
as a character flaw. It is not even that they made a mistake,
it is that they are the mistake. Even the perfect moments have no joy, because they are never
quite perfect enough. To paraphrase my favorite
author Anne Lamott, "Perfectionism is the voice
of the oppressor and will keep you cramped
and insane your entire life." And while not a disease of the body,
perfectionism is a cancer of the spirit. And when left un-managed,
it may manifest itself physically. Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, panic, suicidal thoughts. Perfectionism comes in many colours, but it speaks the language
of black or white, all or nothing, good or bad, worthy or worthless. It is fed by shame, the feelings of shame
that come from not feeling pretty enough, good enough, smart enough,
at work enough, rich enough, at home enough, perfect enough. Enough. In 1994, the New York Times
listed me as, "A Rising Star of Fitness. I have been on many DVD's, OK, VHS tapes, and I have starred alongside
"Body By Jake" on television shows. I have worked with George Foreman, Nancy Kerrigan and the incredible
Olympian, Dara Torres. I have traveled around the world,
speaking to thousands of people, and talked to packed classes
in New York City. I have won pretty much every fitness
accolade that there is to win, and I have even been on the back
of a Special-K cereal box. I share this with you not to brag but to let you know
that even with all of that, this was never enough. Like any disease,
perfectionism has many symptoms. If you are like me, you might not realise
you have this until it is too late. Until you look back and notice
all those moments, missing joy. You look at your photographs
and realise just how many you are not in because you didn't feel quite perfect
enough to be in front of the camera. You look at all those relationships,
damaged or destroyed, because you were too busy
being perfect, to be present. Like many 'Type A' perfectionist,
I had many symptoms. I had two eating disorders, not one. I had anorexia and bulimia. Then in my thirties,
my symptoms shifted to anxiety, that then grew into
full-blown panic attacks. Like any perfectionist, I tried
to manage my symptoms perfectly. I could hide the tightening of my stomach,
the racing of my heart, the desperate need to get out of a room
if I felt a panic attack coming on. I could not hide my last symptom. My last symptom was a zero-to-sixty. I mean, not just a lip, not just a brow, full body, head to heel,
zero to sixty, sweat. In less than 60 seconds, this little
body looked like had run a marathon. It was embarrassing, uncomfortable, and just another public display
of how imperfect I was. After every panic attack,
I felt lost, confused, lonely and even more imperfect. As my panic attacks became more frequent,
my calendar emptied out. For two full years, I turned down
high-profile work. The Today Show, The View,
The CBS early news show, for fear that I wasn't
going to be perfect. The only thing I knew during
that time that I could do perfectly was have a panic attack. I just never knew
when it was going to happen, or where. You see I thought the very thing people
expected from a fitness person was perfectionism. I thought they expected that of me. But the very thing I thought they wanted was the thing that kept me
at an arms length. Because who can relate to perfection? The pastor Steve Furtick tells us that the reason we are struggling
so badly with our insecurities is because we are so busy comparing our back story to everybody
else's highlight reel. What would happen
if we evolved our thinking? And we stopped trying
to be perfectionists, and as my teacher and thought-leader
Tal Ben-Shahar says, become 'optimialists' instead. My idea of an optimalist is someone who learns to live
in the Grey area of life. They learn from their mistakes, and they leave room to grow
into a life of their dreams. I also believe that if we stop
trying to be perfect, so many of us would get off the side-lines
of life and jump in and start living it with both feet and with an open heart. I also believe that if we stop
thinking about perfection, we can stop some of this hatred; this negative talk about others,
and about ourselves. We get to silence that inner critic,
that inner judge, and we begin to start living
our imperfect lives out loud. Perfectionists look to see how far
they have got to go. Optimalists look to see
how far they have come. Perfectionists say, "No, but..." Optimalists go, "Yes, and..." Perfectionists look
for what is not working. Optimalists look for what is. Perfectionists are terrified
of making a mistake, and are so threatened
by the success of others. Whilst optimalists view mistakes
as proof that they are trying, and are inspired and encouraged by others
in this world doing great things. I know we cannot connect
through this facade called perfection. I know now, more than ever,
we are craving connection. but it is in the imperfect moments
that our hearts speak to each other, and the important lessons are learned. The loss of a loved one, a betrayal, the ending of what you thought
was your forever relationship, an illness, the loss of a job. Such imperfect moments in life. These are the moments that we get
to reach up and ask for help. We get to dig in and see
the depth of our resilience, and we get to strengthen
our courage muscle. We also get to stretch
the belief and knowledge of just how much we are capable of. More importantly, we inspire
and encourage others to do the same. Perfection would never have
allowed me to apply to TEDx because the risk of not being accepted would be too big a price to bear. It would not have allowed me the courage
to step on this stage and share my story. What I know is that my imperfect voice, and my imperfect story is more powerful than the perfect silence. Was this talk perfect? Probably not. I guarantee I am going to look back and wish I had put something in
or left something out, and I am sure that I made a mistake
or two along the way. But what I do know is that when we face
our fear, that is when we become fearless. As Elizabeth Gilbert reminds us, "Perfectionism is just fear
in really good shoes." Thank you. (Applause)
