The Nearly Complete And Utter History of Everything part One

[Music] on duty with the dinner ladies in 40 minutes this is bbc one serious about comedy [Music] [Applause] ladies and gentlemen your host anger good evening and welcome to the nearly complete and utter history of everything tonight with the help of a pantheon of stars from stage and screen although after tonight mainly stage we'll be taking a look back at some of the battles disasters inventions famines political strife and genocides that occur in the course of a thousand years or one episode of brookside experts disagree as to exactly when the second millennium began some say the year 1000 others say the year 1001 and then there are the cornish for whom it began last tuesday how appropriate that we should be witnessing the dawn of this new era with cliff richard's millennium prayer acting as our soundtrack a cliff song though dull plodding banal insipid uninspired vacuous trait two little carson sanctimonious superficial nauseating yawn inspiring and coma inducing does nevertheless remind us of the true meaning of the millennium the birth of a special baby a baby that was conceived not by normal means but by the third way as our prime minister would have it as media now has of course obviously obviously making fun of the people of the past is all too easy which is precisely why we've made this show but the passing of the millennium serves as an ideal opportunity to compare how much has changed in the way we live i'm a modern man i look down on them because i'm from a more advanced society i'm a renaissance man i look up to him because he is on average four inches taller than i am but i look down on him because he is a smelly ignorant surfer i'm medieval man i look up to them because i am a smelly ignorant sir i live in a one-room hovel made of straw and manure i live in a new barrett's estate so i envy him however i do have hot and cold running water a car a yamaha organ a tv and a new video although i don't know how to work it i have cold running water a map of the world which includes the americas a telescope and the collected works of homer in 39 weekly parts i have a pig [Laughter] although i don't know how to work it i am so ignorant i think the sun goes to bed at night i think the sun revolves around the earth i think the sun shines out of my trousers [Applause] i work as a weaver for that reason i'm called mr weaver i'm a miller so i'm called mr miller my name's ramsbottom so i'm called sir i have a hard life i'm 23. i have one day off a year when we get drunk and hit each other with pigs bladders on sticks i have two days off a week when i watch tv and go to home base i have one day off a week when i go to church but i must admit the pig's bladder thing sounds a lot more fun i'm feudal i believe in doing what his lordship tells me i'm an optimist i believe in progress i'm new labour so i don't believe in anything i encourage education i teach my children to read my children don't have a school so they can't read my children go to comprehensive school so they can't read i think throughout the history of britain some things never change i blame the normans i hate the french because they beat us in 1066. i hate the french because they beat us in 1998. i just hate the french i don't need a reason all in all i think my life is better than theirs i think my life is not as good as his but better than his i'm a smelly ignorant sir but at least i don't have to put up with pollution global warming nuclear war gm food stress and carol vorderman whoever he is well sod this anybody fancy a paint yeah what about the watering dog that's very nice pub no no it's not a pub anymore that's the burbage theater nowadays no i think you'll find it's now the hangar lane gyratory system yes the lot of the average joe or indeed the slightly smaller than average ronnie it must have changed out of all recognition since 1000 a.d but let's bring things rather more up to date as we remember now the famous summer of 66 1066 in fact a familiar date that was to have a huge impact on this country if you don't want to know the result you should look away now 14th of october 1066 and a thrilling and historic battle awaits this capacity crowd here at hastings two strong sides battling it out for supremacy there's the home side sporting those famous lions lord martin peters who's that sir jeffrey of hearst ray clements the younger peter of chilton archie gemmell currently in exile after george cohen [Music] there's the man in charge harold [Music] well basically at the end of the day i think the lads said they're confident they're ready i've told them just to go out there and enjoy themselves really you know obviously they've got to keep the shape which is quite difficult when they've got their arms or legs chopped off but basically i've told them you know you might get killed or made but enjoy yourself it's it's a big day big day for us all looking forward to it and here come the challenges from france led by their star attacker william duke of normandy and comte de l'oreal why do i want it because it's the thrall of england [Music] that's what the contest is all about the coveted jewels remain crown of england here to offer full coverage of the event the weavers of bayer they'll be bringing you tapestry live as it happens two sides take to the battlefield let's have a look at how they're lining up england with one or two injuries after their semi-final win over the danes at stamford bridge france using their usual three thousand four thousand three thousand formation here's today's officials in charge archbishop anderson of canterbury with his two neutral assistants the bishop of cardiff and canon de spezia of milan us of the coin too much for one of the peasants there kings shake hands what a very tense atmosphere this is oh my word referee checks his watch and it's battle on there's edgar william he's got telephone is outside darrell getting involved a lot of pushing and shoving here both sides looking a little nervous and this is looking dangerous oh it's in it let's have a look at the replay you can see how it happened there and harold will not be very pleased about that but england on the offensive now there's harold sending a long ball left field gospan goes up for it [Applause] oh [Applause] and there goes the halftime whistle and that's the score line for the latest reactions gary thanks ken right let's get some announcements oh you've got to say the english defenders are cool far too many arrows getting through they're dying up there the final score well there's got to be william king of normandy and king of england too okay the second half's underway so back to the action thanks lord lanikai still very close here the french are handy with the broadsword but do tend to run a mile at the side of a british beef burger oh and lord gower is down done for dumb food still i had a good [Applause] really innings was that well we've reached the end of the normal eight hours we've had injury time we're into quite serious injury time still it's anybody's contest oh wait a minute william's gone down harold is looking upset about that looks as though he might think william took a dive there bishop is not impressed in fact evil fourth has been sent off they've sent him off the battlefield quite unprecedented the english not happy with that one little bit so that gives france a last-minute shot of the king from about 25 yards english now trying to organize their defense i wonder could the french snatch a dramatic win here it's william to take it with a kind of set piece that he loves the crowd hushed some peasants are on the pitch they think it's all over it is so the normans take the throne can england restore their pride join us for the second layer genesion court in 350 years time in the course of history britishness has come to symbolize many qualities doggedness determination well that's it really doggedness and determination well it is best exemplified by the greatest explorer of the 20th century geordie of the antarctic 22nd of june 1911 my frozen hands can barely write oh here scotty wait for me mom [Music] johnny aren't you even in the slightest bit cold no not at all i'm sweating like a pig man why are you feeling a little bit chilly are you yeah scotty you want to let me shortly february the 12th today is a bad day michael's fell into a crevasse and i'm beginning to suspect that it was a mistake to put jordy in charge of the provisions what have you done man you've packed nothing but crisps and lager of course not look here scotty i've got brownie in this one we need food man i thought like if we got a bit peckish you know we could get something from the kebab you know when it comes rooms february the 20th we saw a figure in the distance first i thought it was one of the norwegians beating us to the prize then i realized it was something far far worse jody's girlfriend come on lads you know what saturday night it's bad tonight you don't mandy you took your time didn't you better i can't go faster than the heels on jewelry you didn't want to let all this is he under articulate trainers like these man they didn't go in the skirt dory and i've got to wear any skirt or no one to see me son did you go all the way up to bear's [ __ ] lake i want to go to a wine bar pull first then the wine bar hold on see you lads february 21st cannot write anymore as i'm dead perhaps the greatest gift the british have given the world over the last thousand years is the english language spoken as it is by four-fifths of the world population and occasionally john prescott behind every politician these days there's an image consultant except prescott behind whom there's a line of traffic following a show for driven jaguar but every great figure needs an advisor a mentor a guru hitler had goebbles thatcher had hitler basil brush had mr derek but just how old is the noble art of spin doctoring not so bloody tight you great weather how can i fight the [ __ ] french with bollocks packed like meatballs in a tin listen tell you what give us a squirt the old cod liver oil around the neck as it helps to keep the old orbs and scepters a bit mobile morning hello don't you knock it's a tent point in an action that would only result in the mirror's trembling of the royal canvas who the crap are you lord mandelson that's your service and what is the name of ask do you want so the french are mounting their horses doesn't surprise me the frogs will pork into them they mean to attack sir all right well tell the lads i'll be out and two shakes of a wallaby's dong about your speech my leash there's nothing wrong with the way i talk i can swear as much as i like i'm the king no your speech to the troops my legion what speech the one i sent you did you not receive it oh oh that yes i i think i have had the pleasure and is there a problem only one it's utter pants i can't stand before the men and talk this load of poncy twaddle i mean look at this bit by jove i can't say bye joe the lads'll think i'm a raving portillo for this gentleman of england now a bed a bed if you're referring to those lazy shites who stayed at home why don't you say so i want them desperate to skewer a frenchie not looking puzzled and clicking through the dictionary yes if you examine the results of the focus group surveys conducted within the main demographic areas of your armed forces you'll see that this sort of approach does elicit by far the best response from the key a b and c groups a b and c archers bowman and cannon fodder and as i'm sure your majesty is aware by using terms that the common herd are unfamiliar with they naturally assume you to be their superior and therefore to know about that of which you speak irrespective of how facile vacuous or delusional per se the empirical content of your actuation may be you're a bit of a slimy bastard aren't you thank you sir so your speech how does it begin once more under the breach dear friends once more all right once more under the bridge dear friends once more i've already said it twice how many more times once more into the breach dear friends once more unto the breach dear friends once more what once more under the bridge dear friends once more yes under the breach dear friend no don't worry good at this are you where's the tosser i usually have big willy uh mr shakespeare yes uh there may be a slight problem something to do with an undisclosed loan to buy a cottage in stratford when did that get out uh next tuesday i'm just trying to finalize the details well i better leave you to uh learn the words of your speech no i'm sorry i can't say any of this croc of dung i'm just going to get out there and tell the lads to get stuck in the only good frenchie's a dead one it's a little anti-european of course it's anti-european you big jesse it's the battle of agincourt what do you want me to do hold a bloody referendum right then you get your scrawny tatty bum in gear and write me a speech that's that's anti-french that's a good patriotic rant that makes me sound like the kind of kick-ass king who's gonna show them where to shove their baguettes or else where else what or else i'll pack you off to belfast to sort out the irish [ __ ] these days meddling bureaucrats lecturers on triviality such as the correct shape of a banana and the fact that most of our cows should be kept in broadmoor but hundreds of years ago the arguments were about much bigger matters roughly the size of a continent in fact [Music] so we're agreed france gets the city of pinorillo and the bishopric of mets and to sweden goes western pomerania vismarchthetin and the islands of brugen and pearl oh lovely and england for applying within 28 days gets this charming carriage clock thank you very much i'm very kind right well i think that concludes our treaty uh gentlemen a toast peace in europe peace excuse me oh what is it now why are you interrupting forgive me ambassador but what about luxembourg he's right nobody owns luxembourg france i thought you were in luxembourg no we thought it was dutch sweden no we thought it was belgium england well we just knew it was on the continent and didn't give a task really it looks as if luxembourg has slipped through our net doesn't it well we've got a country going up for grabs anybody interested is it protestant uh mostly catholic i believe let's just use it for storage that's good no it's not good someone's got to take it come on who wants it what's it consist of the small state of luxembourg is a charming reminder of how europe used to be plague victims crawl elegantly down its dung-filled streets greasing the way with pus from their bubbles while at least two children a week are burned as the devil in the handsome market square the town boasts two taverns one humorous dwarf and a shot that sells little things made of straw yeah sounds like stevenage well um who wants it then well we don't want it we've already got to do up west pomerania not to mention vismar and stettin france has no need of luxembourg although i do quite like the sound of that shop selling little things been out of straw yes yes that shop is an economic bonus isn't it all right i'll take it good excellent so luxembourg goes to sweden hold on hold on you can't just give sweden another province but you didn't want it well yeah but that means they've now got western pomerania stettin and luxembourg that's not fair we need luxembourg to store our pickled herring why can't you store them in sweden oh the whiff squeeze and you're pickled hurrying why can't you eat a proper fish what's wrong with pickled herring nothing if you're swedish no gentleman what is that supposed to mean no well come on just because we all hate the germans doesn't mean we have to like the swedes ah the swedes are all right well they hate you we don't hate anybody well you should it makes life more fun look all we wanted to do was protect the protestant princes oh really yeah right you didn't fancy just kicking some german arse that's why we were there that's what rather appealed to us too gentlemen please let's not unravel the tapestry of this treaty air the shuttle has crossed the loom what what let's not let's not [ __ ] it out now we're so close i i i have a proposal why not spit luxembourg in two sweden can get the east and france the west excellent no that's good sorry sorry oh what do you want now uh forgive me ambassador but is it truly wise to divide a land in so wild and ragged of fashion in future years there will be swedish luxembourgers and french luxembourg protestant and catholic both at each other's throats oh well i i don't know i think that'll give journalists to the future something to write about no i'm satisfied with this i think this is good i think um i think in the future all our petty squabbles every year will be forgotten it'll just be one one huge state probably with a single currency oh hurrah yeah that's a nice thought yes it is i i'm going to have to opt out over that one okay we're more interested in our new colony in america america america america america america has given us nothing but tobacco and potatoes and uh that new high-grade narcotic that you're so fond of now gentlemen i think on the crucible of war we have forged a new europe right so who's for uh half liter bitter finest claret oh i'd love a pickled herring forgive me ambassador but there is one more task the savage land of the balkans oh coaches we forgot the balkans uh well look here we are one two three there look bosnia herzegovina kosovo greater serbia everyone said it's fine we have guaranteed the peace and freedom of europe for a forever forever may i say ambassador that with this historic re-drafting in the european borders you are really spoiling us these on the other hand are revolting and so with lightened hearts but heavy irony the treaty was signed since that innocuous treaty the balkan problem has caused at least one world war several major battles dozens of peace conferences and a nasty fist fight in a greek tiver in willston violent behavior has reared its ugly head throughout the ages as any child psychologist will tell you the eighth child in the line of henry's is always the most disruptive often looting monasteries and abusing the pope in a constant search for attention but with the right counseling almost anything can be achieved well i just want to say i think it's really great that you've agreed to attend these counseling sessions together as in any relationship it's very important to do things together so thank you for that get on with it enough to make progress that's good no agent has to catch the executioner before he stands down i mean this ventures pretty head stood far too long upon that lily white neck and i would soon see them parted and hurry to hell where's she been so how's it been going since the last session i don't claim any great intuitive skills but do i detect a little bit of tension between the two of you he is a beast a huge foul-smelling goat-ridden beast who cares not for me but for what son my cunning parts may bring him in truth i can barely bring myself to sew that chilli furrow with my royal seed i mean these days i find myself more taken by my horse's ass this is good it's very important that the areas of conflict are clear find yourself sexually attracted to horse's arses that's not actually as uncommon as you might think this counsellor you hear him threaten to remove my head am i just to accept this fate like anne boleyn or catherine howard oh here we go again i thought it wouldn't be long before you brought them up i think we we touched upon the pros and cons of beheading as a conflict resolution tactic within marriage in a previous session can you remember henry what we decided all that it was a no-no beheading one's partner is a retrograde step in relationship terms because because it causes an almost irreversible breakdown in communication between partners exactly likewise exiling to a different country keeping her pregnant until she dies of childbirth well done henry yes [Laughter] oh i pray we continue this another day my body aches and cries for rest come wench your head is safe this day at least where's my horse i fear poor henry is not much longer for this world but he is a brute he is not kind and gentle like you though i'll wager you are twice the man i don't i don't mean to be judgmental but comparisons with others outside the relationship in question uh are often you have your hand on my cod codpiece history books record the lineage of kings and queens but there's one man they forget whose ancestors go right back to the beginning of this millennium their story is without doubt the greatest story ever told apart from those stories that are greater there are some things still surviving today that date back a thousand years the doomsday book morris dancing jim davidson's jokes proving that the great philosopher bruce hornsby was right when he said some things never changed that's just the way it is that's just the way it is as is the case of course for the mystery surrounding the meaning of life the great questions remain unanswered why are we here is there a god and will anyone ever go beyond the 125 thousand pound question on who wants to be in there i'm really really sorry to keep you waiting ada it's totally unforgivable that is our rule numero uno here you never keep a client pending no matter what which or whatever any of the other girls here they get one heck of a smack on the bangle for being late i count myself i'm totally mortified by the lateness of my own self here today i'm aching within my bra with it i'm underwired with multiplication so how do you want to play this idea if you have a preference for somebody else to roll you up this morning then that's fine i take that right in the overall that's totally bone if i do it with me it's your collider your pond your jam jar break me the news on me off your hairdo look i'm just happy to be here love that's how i feel about life you could smack me in the face with the cushion cover filled with custard and i did not complain but i need to talk to you either partly so you can have a bit of a comprehending of why i failed to come in right on the nub of the appointment and also i need a bit of wisdom here and not to beat about the van stand either you are an older lady you're wise in the ways of the world you haven't just come up the manchester ship canal on a doughnut as the homosexuals have it i'm not being anti-gay with that motto i love the gays gay men in the particular numero uno with me well you've seen my wedding photos either i married three of them did you ever marry three gay men i'd i was just happy to be alive love i didn't need to get married just having a new shopping bag for which sunday that was enough for me and you are a very special lady and you don't cause me trouble like some of my other ladies you don't come in the salon at quarter to six of an evening when we've locked the color away demanding to go move don't clean your ears with a bobby pin and put it back in the tray tip top you totally penthouse in my book look i'm just glad to be with people maura you could flush me down a great and as long as i was with people i'd still be whistling no well that's something we could all get to benefit from that refrain or chorus well i don't know if this has ever happened to you either i don't know if you've ever come down of a morning and found that your ex-husband has scrolled offensive remarks all over your loose covers in marmite it's upsetting i said to him nikki why have you done this because it must have taken forever you know because it doesn't flow marmite it's not like golden syrup in that regard and he said well i was upset i said i'm the one who's upset nikki i'm the one stuck with the lingering order of yeast extracted you know i mean let's not forget that would you be upset either if someone violated your soft furnishings in that way because i'd be happy just to have soft furnishings for me well i'm afraid i don't have so much of a gratitude attitude unfortunately and i said what were you so upset for nicki that you felt you had to do this and i'm crying i did i'm a little cat's looking up at me my little cat little robert de niro looking at me his whole body language is saying why mummy white and he said i was upset with you maura because you went straight from a relationship with me that's him this is him talking to a relationship with a boy i said he may be a boy nicki but he's twice the man you are it's good that in it he may be a barbary's to ask the man you are i heard that in catherine cookson and i said to him nikki and this is me talking now i said nikki did you not think i might be upset when you asked for a divorce on the grounds that you had formed an emotional attachment to an irish wolfhound that ever happened to you andy husband running off with a dog well it did though but i was just very happy that it was a nice dog oh you are learning me so many lessons about life here anyway it all got overheated i'm afraid i descended into crudites and he came alongside because i flare up either do you i don't know i'm just full of peace of mind you should be at the united nations eddie you wasted in radcliff anyway can i please apologize for my own punctuality and general boggle courtesy and can i please offer you a free cup of coffee at the gratis end of the payment spectrum look i don't need a coffee love life itself that's what keeps me going oh you're an inspiration idea with you forbearance look i'll get you washed in just a minute but would you mind if i just nipped and took a couple of aspirin because it's been somewhat of a morning yes i would mind look i've listened to you going on for long enough the least you can do now is to get up with my bloody hair well that concludes the first part of the nearly complete and utter history of everything a reconstruction of historical events every bit as accurate as walking with dinosaurs in part two we have lenny henry richard wilson and jennifer saunders to name it three and dawn french to name but four so join us for the second half of the show by the end of which the nearly complete and utter history of everything will at last we hope be complete until then good night [Applause] [Music] yes follow that well part two is on tuesday at 10 20 on bbc one and next tonight dinner ladies [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] the

Channel: VHS Video vault

Views: 134,380

Keywords:

Id: xtzu2Dxh4oQ

Length: 31min 59sec (1919 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 17 2019