The narcissist's game of deflection

they crave attention and validation and power and control they almost Revel in the chaos that they are able to cause and that they're able to turn people into their personal puppets and they can turn the world their workplace their families into a chessboard it feeds their sense of control so let's talk about projection you look at your partner strangely when he or she accuses you of lying and manipulation you're a person who's fully aware of your own character flaws but lying and manipulation are just not things that you do in fact you chuckle to yourself maybe in a sort of Bleak way but you do chuckle to yourself and reflect on how bizarre it is that they are accusing you of the very thing that they do they may accuse you the narcissist in your life of lots of odd things accusing you of being angry when you're not saying that they think you feel disappointed about something when you're actually fine with it you may actually think right now and I'm sure you do think that I'm describing gaslighting but the accusation of something out of the out of the blue that is patently untrue is in fact A Primitive defense that is called projection and yeah there's some gaslighting in there but it's projection so let's work backwards a little bit I'm going to be a little Professor for a minute and start with what exactly is a defense we all have defenses they protect our ego and they're designed to keep that uncomfortable and unacceptable and even threatening unconscious stuff under wraps Freud and his contemporaries introduced this framework of defenses as sort of being these sort of psychological screens and sort of Halls of mirrors that kind of twist things to protect our primitive stuff the fact is that all of us all of us rely on our defenses from time to time we may lie to avoid sharing an uncomfortable truth about ourselves we may hold a bizarrely strong opinion about something because it triggers A Primitive wound or a primitive conflict common defenses include things like denial rationalization reaction formation sublimation and of course what we're talking about projection my work as a therapist is to work with clients to push through these defenses and give people a safe space to dig deeper because a defenses are like walls we need to get through now not all mental health practitioners fully ascribe to the concept of defenses and I get that but however you think of it maybe you can think of them as ways of thinking they are a way of protecting ourselves from that uncomfortable stuff that unsettles us psychologically and we don't really want to deal with so if defenses are normal when exactly do they become a problem they become a problem when a person over relies on those defenses as a way of relating with the world that these defenses in essence become the person's primary way of dealing with the world now let's go back to our narcissists for narcissists who have such fragile delicate egos there is no way that they're going to allow that fragile core to get threatened so for them it's all defenses all the time projection is the most classical defense of the narcissist and this is something that's been written about by the in the granddaddies of the field Freud and kernberg and all of them now it makes sense because projection is deep and primitive just like the insecurity and the ego vulnerability of the narcissist projection happens when a person projects an unacceptable thought or behavior or feeling or an uncomfortable conflict onto someone else now what you've got to keep in mind and this is the tricky bit this is not a conscious process it's a bit like psychologically again throwing up something I've talked about before it's like psychologically getting sick anyone of you who's ever really really gotten sick knows that there's nothing you could have done to hold it back it just it comes out of you and it happens quickly and sadly that's exactly how projection works the ridiculous awful false and confusing words and accusations come out and you look at these things that are coming at you confused like you're saying what huh and when but however when you attempt to explain or defend or make sense of them because it's unconscious for the person who's projecting onto you they don't take ownership of you of it and the person who's a narcissist will likely start gaslighting you or calling you crazy or paranoid or insane projection happens with every single narcissist out there it's one of the things that's a universal and it's a built-in part of the narcissistic pattern like I was referring to Freud before Freud's in Freud's early writings about narcissism as well as the writings of other really famous narcissism theoreticians like Otto kernberg they really delve in into how important this idea of projection this defense is to understanding the narcissistic personality style now do all of us sometimes engage in projection absolutely yes all of us do it all of us have those uncomfortable things those uncomfortable conflicts deep in us that we do accuse other people of and no and that defense and all those slips can take place at times when we feel vulnerable anxious or even just really fatigued the goal of therapy and particularly those kinds of therapies that focus on our early histories is to resolve those unresolved background issues so we do less of stuff like projection but for most of us when we engage in projection and someone points it out to us we recognize that we may have hurt someone or that we may have confused them and then we subsequently apologize and empathize with their confusion and and just sort of how upsetting that might have been narcissists however don't engage in that kind of restorative work they go on to their next favorite defense which is denial and then between denial and projection they've just doubled their bets on everything in the whole universe of projection projection bothers us because it's so confusing it doesn't feel good to have someone tell us we feel a certain way or did something or have someone tell us that we have a certain intention you're so jealous of me like I'm I'm not and it feels worse when you can't have a conversation about the fact that being accused of something doesn't feel good now if you don't know what projection is or that projection that you're being subjected to it then it all becomes even more confusing because if someone tells you that you are angry and you're actually having a perfectly good day it can really feel like you've stepped into the Twilight Zone but when you recognize that it's projection then it can really make sense to you and actually this is the point at which projection bizarrely enough can actually be your friend especially if you are managing a relationship with a narcissist remember that the narcissist is is projecting that's something that's very uncomfortable about themselves or something that they're feeling onto you so if indeed their projection is inaccurate and this is where you've got to be on you know honest okay so if there are times when a narcissist may say hey I think you're angry and in fact you are angry it may in part be yes a projection but it also may be true so you got to fess up when their projection and your reality actually line up but when projection takes place and it is patent inaccurate then instead of gearing up to defend yourself to them or getting into an argument about how wrong they are take a minute and pause pause stop and reflect that the thing that you're being accused of is actually reflective of their experience so it tells you something it's a piece of data about their inner world if they're calling you angry when you are absolutely not angry at all then they are likely angry when they accuse you of being jealous and you're not they're the ones who are jealous and this can actually be a bit of a useful parlor trick even beyond that when they start accusing you of things that really may be very untrue for example they accuse you of infidelity or cheating or micro cheating or some kind of affair or lying and you have noticed actually that it's their behavior that seems to be changing and maybe even veering in that direction it may in fact be an indicator that they're doing the very thing or at least thinking about the very thing that they are accusing you of now this idea of projection has definitely come into the public Consciousness for example someone just saying conversationally stop projecting your stuff on to me now so many of us are aware of it when it is happening to us we recognize that it's a projection but it's really important to recognize that the projector narcissist or not is often actually unaware of what he or she is doing doing so while it is annoying as hell talking about it serves no purpose so it's important that you don't expend psychological energy trying to explain it and talk about it narcissists project to protect themselves as is the case with all defense mechanism it tends to be though their preferred defense mechanism it protects the fragile and insecure ego from unacceptable and shameful stuff so that stuff gets rejected and then projected on whoever is the person who is unfortunate enough to be closest to them or someone who's very significant and a bit of a lightning rod for them now narcissists because it's sort of this primitively dysfunctional personality style they tend to over rely on all of their defense mechanisms not just projection projection just happens to be their favorite they also have other very popular defense mechanisms including denial rationalization and reaction formation and reaction formation is when a person takes an overly impassioned or even angry stand about something because it is the opposite of their truth the tendency of the narcissist to focus almost solely on appearances and superficial stuff is in line with protecting themselves it doesn't matter matter to them like it doesn't matter if my internal psychological world is a mess as long as I portray a good shiny image to the world no one will ever know for those of us experiencing it it is very confusing to be in the face of projection until we know what it is then we are empowered to take the high road and see it as the defensive maneuver it is smile a quiet smile within ourselves as well as have a Pang of pity for how fragile the narcissist is that they have to take those chaotic insides and put them outside and then there is also the fact that we all sometimes engage in projection all we can do is catch ourselves apologize remain mindful remain aware self-monitor ourselves and always take a moment and attempt to restore trust and fix those ruptures when we are responsible for those things so I'm going to run you through some classical statements the kinds of words people use when they're gaslighting you so here are some of the classics stop being so sensitive that never happened I think think you may be mentally ill you need help why can't you take a joke why are you always so angry why can't you let go of the past no one is ever going to love you the way I do it doesn't sound like what you just did was that difficult it sounds like you are exaggerating I am sorry you choose to make yourself feel that way there is nothing that warrants you feeling that way you have no right to feel that way actually you don't really feel that way let me tell you how you do feel other people have it so much harder than you stop being a victim and to everyone out there on YouTube if you have some more examples of gaslighting statements you've heard or experienced please drop them Below in the comments because it's always good for us to keep a library of gaslighting taglines so you know what's happening to you so exactly what is gaslighting let's start with where the term comes from it originates from a play that later became a film in the 1930s called Gaslight in the film the husband keeps turning the old old-fashioned gas lights up and down and when she asks him who is turning the lights up and down he denies it's happening he tells her he doesn't think that they're any less bright than they were before she slowly starts to doubt her own reality then she loses her grip on reality and then she goes insane simply put gaslighting is the doubting of another person's reality deliberate or not it can be done by that long variety of phrases that I read to you above by saying something then denying it by promising something and then denying the promise over time the gaslighted person feels confused and full of self-doubt gaslighting can be manifested in a variety of ways so let's break them down first let's talk about class classical gaslighting this involves straight up denial of your reality that never happened you have no right to feel that way every single narcissistic relationship I have ever worked with counseled or consulted on had some gaslighting present it's a given in a narcissistic or toxic relationship it results in the narcissist holding all of the power in the relationship because they hold the reality it leaves you full of self-doubt second guessing confusion and when you are focusing all of your energies on trying to get your own reality sorted The Narcissist can do a good job of continuing to confuse you gaslighting is obviously manipulation emotional abuse and it sets a tone for the relationship one classical book about this is called he said the sky was purple and that is how gaslighting works not only is your reality denied you start accepting the reality of the other person the second kind of gaslighting is withholding I'm not going to talk to you if you bring that up again this results over time in silencing yourself in a relationship for fear that your other needs will not be met fear for example that you will lose the relationship and then also a pattern of doubting yourself and wondering if there is something wrong with you for bringing up a t topic anyone who has ever been from a family of origin where this kind of emotional abuse was taking place or any other physical or sexual abuse you know this Dynamic too well and for a child to hear that if you bring something up again that you would lose the love or support or safety of a significant adult such a parent it can be terrifying this kind of gaslighting can result in going into adulthood feeling that you are not allowed to speak about your own needs and as you can guess that can be a perfect setup for getting into and staying in a relationship with a narcissist as an adult the Third Kind of gaslighting is contradicting this involves screwing with your sense of Reality by telling you that you did not remember a situation correctly actually your mother was at the party or I met you after my wife moved out of the house or you had already said that you didn't want to come to my birthday party when I changed the date contradicting can leave you wanting to do things like check old emails voicemails and text messages you may look at old photographs to actually confirm whether indeed your mother was actually at the party you start feeling like a private detective in your own life The Fourth Kind of gaslighting is diversion this involves changing the subject to something that makes them the Nar narcissist look good and makes you look irresponsible or like a bad person for example I remember that time I had to run to the school to get Johnny when he broke his arm while you were too busy to be there for him because you were at work or when you bring up cheating or infidelity they will then bring up something that you may have felt ashamed about from your past for example perhaps you confided in your partner that that you once cheated on a high school ex-boyfriend or girlfriend and they will twist it into that or they will try to play the guilt card and bring up their own dramas their work problems their health issues their money problems and the troubles they are having with their family to Garner pity and distract away from a feeling that you are sharing the fifth type of gaslighting is gaslighting that involves minimization or sort of dampening of your feelings this is when they will tell you you're being petty for focusing on such a small issue or trying to make you feel like less of a person while framing it as other people having it so much worse than you you were really going to stand here in our big comfortable house that I worked so hard for us and complain that I was flirting with someone when there are people out there that are homeless by the time you make sense of that you're like what gaslighting is all about moving the goalposts which the narcissists do all the time they shift your reality and they change the rules mid game or they have one set of rules for themselves and another set of rules for you and other people when you try to bring up this inconsistency they will either insult you or label you as Petty in many ways it can feel really nitpicky I often say the gaslighting is sort of the way that lawyers argue they go after that one little thing designed to win the argument because for narcissists it is all about winning they do not care that it is cruel to you or dissolves the intimacy and closeness in the relationship as long as they win in one story a guy was snagged in the parking lot of a motel where his wife had seen the woman she suspected him of having an affair with and she had seen that woman had gone in earlier when she confronted him and in fact could even see the other woman getting into her car on the other side of the lot she said there you go I finally caught you in bed with your girlfriend and you know what he responded he said no you didn't you just found me in a parking lot and there is a mall over there I don't know what your problem is you need to get some psychiatric help I suppose legally he was right she did only see him in a parking lot and only speculated that he was in bed with someone else but after seeing all the texts and emails and all the rest of it she knew that wasn't the case but this is cruel what he did was cruel and life is not a court of law physical gaslighting happens when physical violence starts to creep into the relationship this may happen when the narcissistic partner for example may strongly grab another person's arm and when the person whose arm was grabbed reacts to it the narcissist will say stop exaggerating it didn't really really Hur stop being so sensitive and in top of that at this point you're probably often feeling a lot of Terror two other forms of gaslighting include gaslighting by proxy and gaslighting by tribe gaslighting by proxy occurs when someone else does the gaslighting for the narcissist and since you know how good and how often other people enable narcissists these enablers become gaslighters for the narcissist as well examples of this would be one parent making excuses for the narcissistic parents Behavior your father didn't really mean that or other employees in your workplace making excuses for a toxic supervisor Hey listen we're the most profitable office in the region he may be a tough talker but he's just trying to push all of us to be our best or the friend of a toxic spouse making an excuse go ahead give him another chance he really is a good guy gaslighting by tribe is in essence a form of enabling it is when you are faced down by the network of people around you and around the narcissist and who turn around and tell you that what you are experiencing didn't happen I have consulted on many cases where people were subjected to invalidation harassment intimidation and other verbal abuse in work settings and even had solid documentation in most cases other people in the workplace were saying things like it isn't that bad or her bark is worse than her bite which is a horrible feeling gaslighting by tribe happens in families all of the time especially when there is abuse the victim or victims of abuse in a family or the scapegoats in a family are not heard and the family will often close ranks and tell them that they are disloyal for criticizing the father or the grandfather or the aunt or the mother whomever the perpetrator was and then they will talk about how lucky they are to be in this family and obviously gaslighting by tribe can happen in a couple your friends try and minimize how bad your relationship is for example they may say things like marriage is hard all relationships go through rough spots and most people who Gaslight by tribe don't want the inconvenience of your divorce or separation from the family because they don't want to have to choose sides they don't really care about you they are doing what works for them kids are very susceptible to gaslighting because they aren't quite yet cynical enough to understand that people could be this manipulative children don't feel safe questioning parents and will often succumb to the skewed reality of the narciss istic parent gaslighting bosses can harm your career and your mental health or you may take the fall for a boss's error or the error of someone that the boss or the workplace wants to protect while it is happening and everyone is gaslighting you at the same time you feel like you have walked into the Matrix and when the tribe is gaslighting you you'll see that you likely will not have a legal leg to stand on to protect yourself there is a flip side to gaslighting too you may start gaslighting yourself after having to numb yourself for so long and to live in confusion for so long you may find yourself denying your own emotions saying something like I don't feel anything this isn't upsetting me after years of being gaslighted you learn to Gaslight yourself why do narcissist Gaslight the same reason they do everything to protect their fragile egos other people's realities are a threat to their own they construct their version of reality that allows them to maintain their false sense of power and because the narcissist narratives are inflexible they are not willing to integrate other people's perspectives which is why they so often come off as pigheaded and stubborn if you are in pain and they may be in respon resp if you are in pain and they may be responsible in part for your pain they sure as hell don't want to deal with that uncomfortable feeling so they don't they simply tell you that you aren't having that feeling you're not in pain and their fragility means that they're threatened by other people's feelings and realities and so they don't make room for them and they deny them outright how convenient for them and how abusive for you so why do we fall for why do we fall for gaslighting why don't we just walk away the first time that someone gaslights us or say a few Choice obscene words to them there are a few reasons and vulnerabilities first if you grew up being gaslighted you already doubt your reality after a lifetime of gaslighting it is almost normalized and you accept it as part of a human relationship second is the fact that most of you are nice people and you create rationalizations or you offer people Second Chances believing that they really didn't or couldn't possibly mean it third for too many people especially those who are frightened of Abandonment or just do not recognize their own reality there is the fear of losing the narcissist if you call them out or at least you may be concerned about being perceived as arrogant or narcissistic yourself if you actually said said something fourth most people don't know gaslighting is a thing and after seeing this video you no longer have that excuse it is a classical form of emotional abuse and yet we don't tell and teach people about it most people when I point out to them that they were gaslighted they'll say what's that and then in a matter of minutes 30 years of a confusing marriage starts to make sense so what are we supposed to do if we're gaslighted obviously in the best case scenario you see it as the red neon flag that it is and you walk away that's not always an option so I tell people to internally stand their ground as always don't get in the mud with them don't defend yourself don't react just learn that little Mona Lisa Smile reveal nothing on your face give a little headbob like that and do not give up on your own reality hold it internally and make a mental note that you were just gaslighted once a person does it once they will do it again it is a wakeup call that you should not share your vulnerability with this person you shouldn't share your intellectual property or your fears or anything they will weaponize all of it and use it against you what shouldn't you do don't try to bring them over to your way of thinking that is a mistake that many people make in narcissistic relationships when they're being gaslighted everyone wants to explain themselves to the narcissist and then they think everything will be okay this is a huge mistake to do this narcissists are Masters at gaslighting and they don't give a darn about your reality Once you pull out your phone to show them the text messages that show them that they were gaslighting you they don't step back and say oh my goodness I am so sorry you were right I did say that instead they'll double down and gasl let you some more and tell you that you are a petty little person who fights dirty and that in fact they're doing you a favor by putting up with your sorry pathetic self so now you just got gaslighted twice don't explain yourself and then there's what I call the gaslighting test one sure fireway that you know you're being gaslighted you want to know how that works when you start pulling out text messages emails and voice recordings during arguments on a regular basis to make your point you know you're being gaslighted you start recording everything because you don't trust yourself anymore because your reality has been confused many times once you start doing that you know you're being gaslighted if you are being gaslighted then you are being a emotionally abused if you can't leave at least be aware that this is a real thing and it's happening and find other sources of support to be accurate mirrors and reality checks stop handing your reality over to the narcissist and then the next time they say the sky is purple just smile in them just smile at them in that sad way we smile at people who just don't get it and say I'm sure it'll be a mighty nice sunset tonight and then wink at that blue sky above you and own that it is blue your reality is sacred don't pawn it off on a narcissist let's talk about triangulation big word means something actually pretty simple though triangulation is in essence it's a psychological thre sum that you didn't consent to it is one of the narcissist favorite manipulations and they use it to create chaos and harness that chaos to control a situation and the people in that situation it's a bit like setting a fire and then being the hero that saves the day by putting it out and taking advantage of the chaos the most simple and classical triangulation takes place in families and especially families that have two or more children though this can happen in only children families but typically there's two or more kids a narcissistic parent will often treat their children very differently It's Not Unusual common Dynamic would be one child is often treated as sort of the air apparent the Crown Prince or the Crown Princess or something often called The Golden Child while the other child is relatively speaking treated quite pure quite poorly they're often insulted and scaped the simple Act of treating children and family members differently within a family is the most classical example of what we call triangulation this Dynamic this triangulated Dynamic Fosters alliances relationships connections between the narcissists and the people who are being split in different directions and not surprisingly it Fosters mistrust between all the people in the family system between all the people in The Narcissist world because they are all being given different versions of a story the only one who holds the whole guide book the whole Playbook as it were is the narcissist but all the versions of all the different stories leave the narcissist looking like the good guy or the good gal or the one who is sort of the puppet master who pulls all the strings certainly triangulation can happen in an intimate relationship in that case and the narcissist May compare you to past partners that he or she had or they may compare you to people that they're friends with or people that they work with and these comparisons can actually be quite subtle you may be for example talking about something in your relationship and then they'll sort of casually talk about that friend at work they say ah there's this woman at work it's really amazing how she balances this job like she supervises me and she has family or they'll talk about their friend and say oh God I have this friend and it's amazing it works like 18 hours a day but he still manages to get to the gym every day you feel as though you're pitted against that person and yet you're not the one who started this triangulated discussion they just sort of mention these little things at that point when the narcissist sort of starts engaging in these triangulated spaces The Narcissist has the power because you might fall for that triangulation you may feel less than sort of less than in comparison to the person that they're talking about about the Superwoman colleague or the hot personal trainer they're working with triangulation happens when the narcissistic or toxic partner one example of it is when they're trying to Foster jealousy and it can happen in other ways too not just comparing you but for example in a world of social media that kind of triangulation may happen when they start liking inappropriate photographs of other men or women whoever whatever is more inappropriate on Instagram over mentioning certain friends or colleagues referring to the positive attributes of a famous person or someone who might be on television like wow look at her body she is so hot so even when you don't know the other person that is being used in the triangulation equation you may still be triangulated into something that doesn't feel good it definitely creates a sense of discomfort it creates an imbalance and it can it also takes place in an intimate relationship when the narcissist is VE still very reliant on the opinions of their own family members so when the narcissist cares a lot about what for example their parents think about them or their siblings think about them or best friends you may feel that even though you are discussing an issue that is relevant to your close relationship so you're discussing something with your partner about something that's really only related to your relationship that your narcissistic partner keeps bringing in the feedback of other family members of their own parents of your friends of their siblings and will often pit the things that you want your opinions your wants your needs the things in your relationship that are important to you against those of what other people in The Narcissist triangulation tribe that well at least what they're telling you they think is important it starts getting tricky because your relationship which you assumed was between two people all of a sudden starts to feel really really crowded you may even feel like you know I'm actually a person with good self-esteem but constantly being compared to other people starts getting uncomfortable triangulation is an incredibly common workplace Dynamic when there's a toxic or narcissistic leader toxic leaders love triangulation in these kinds of triangulated workplaces you're going to see themes like gossip secret meetings people somehow being left off of group emails favoritism requiring everyone to commun Comm unicate through the leader because of the mistrust that that leader has fostered in the workplace people who work in triangulated workplaces become increasingly suspicious and increasingly paranoid because no one can be trusted it always feels like someone's got a knife behind their back coming to work starts to feel like you're in some sort of unsettling spy Thriller and you keep wondering who is going to stick the knife in your back these kinds of triangulated workplaces are set up almost deliberately by narcissistic leaders who often thrive on the chaos they love all the backbiting and frankly they love the power that comes from being able to treat everyone like puppets in their own personal game they also like the idea that people in the workplace fight over them and try to win The Narcissist over much like a dysfunctional family Dynamic now it is the ability of the narcissist to be able to view people as chest pieces and objects that makes triangulation literally like second nature for them if you play chess at all you'll understand you move your pieces around the board and you try to trap or kill the other pieces and take them out and it's all very strategic chess isn't personal they're chess pieces you get checkmate then you put the king in the Queen in the box and it's all done but in real life which is not a chess game it is personal we aren't pawns and knights and Bishops we are people and being turned into game pieces for a given narcissist need to have power and gratification feels really bad especially when we feel like people are being turned against each other and don't seem to understand the dynamic what's interesting is that many many times we're not aware that triangulation is happening until we are really deep into the chaos and we start really questioning ourselves and we start questioning everything that's happening around us as triangulation lasts longer and becomes more protracted and more chronic and more severe what gets really scary is you may actually start viewing the narcissist as the Ally you can trust while you actually learn to mistrust everyone else because that's what the narcissist wants the narcissist is the one who holds the narrative and sells everyone in the family in the workplace wherever the narrative that each person wants to hear while turning everyone else in the story into an enemy and in that way we become bonded to that narcissist in the workplace much like could have happened in a family of origin now anyone anyone who comes from a narcissistic family stands triangulation like in their cells like they get it this Dynamic can get particularly pronounced in divorce or separation situations when the narcissistic parent May engage in alienation or in drawing or and and drawing other family members into gossip about the other spouse or even worse than gossip really sort of throwing them under the bus another video in the series takes on the um the dynamic of flying monkeys flying monkeys are really just a Twist on this whole idea of triangulation and in triangulation what you see is some a narcissist will recruit and brainwash family members who then believe the lies that the narcissistic individual is telling and turn against the narcissist identified victim this is usually the estranged spouse and you know as noted earlier in this video and in other family Dynamics it is those families in which the narcissistic parent treats their children in very different ways that then that's when you see the sort of infighting amongst the kids scapegoat Golden Child Invisible Child that these kids in Fight to win over the narcissistic parent this can result in riffs between the siblings who now can't be a united front and give each other information to support each other through this now obviously infidelity is a form of triangulation and what's really horrifying is when the narcissistic individual actually defends their extramarital relationship on the ground that no you weren't there for me the way I needed you they'll literally say the spouse wasn't there for them and that they didn't feel connected to them so they had to turn to someone who would give them all the attention they needed it's as though they're coping to their need for narcissistic Supply but again when you have an infidelity Dynamic The Narcissist has now brought in a third person triangle in a manipulative manner to destabilize you so as always we're going to ask the why question why do narcissists triangulate because it gives them the very things they desperately crave they crave attention and validation and power and control they almost Revel in the chaos that they are able to cause and that they're able to turn people into their personal puppets and they can turn the world their workplace their families into a chessboard it feeds their sense of control and the chaos allows them to sort of run the kingdom for people who are caught in the midst of a triangulated dynamic it can really feel confusing unsettling and upsetting and this is really magnified if you are raised in a triangulated family system now what's interesting is that in some ways triangulated systems are very very seductive it's unfortunate but they are and people almost get drawn to them like moths to flame in a triangulated dynamic you almost feel like you're being drawn into a secret and because narcissists are so Charming Ing and charismatic and clever and confident you often feel like you're being drawn into something very unique and you may not recognize that what's starting to happen is that triangulation may be rearing its head they made you sort of in a conspiratorial way say come here I got to tell you something you're not going to believe this like listen everybody loves them some gossip but when the gossip starts to into a direction where there is a direct beneficiary of the chaos The Narcissist it's a good sign that triangulation is AF flat and keeping your nose clean in those situations is one of the best ways to disempower them so what's a great way then building off of that to block triangulation it's to not allow the narcissist to cause so much dissent in the ranks and by that I mean let's go back to the siblings if the siblings could just band together against the narcissistic parent or if the colleagues could band together against the narcissistic leader or that you start to recognize that when your partner is trying to sort of sew the seeds of jealousy by talking about someone else that you recognize in all of those cases that you recognize the game that is being played and ask yourself is this really the dynamic that I want to get stuck into this kinds of this kind of gamesmanship is often something people are taught early in these in these triangulated Dynamics you got to stop this so chaos is the narcissist ground game they Thrive under it they love the drama and interestingly they often make fun of or criticize drama in other people that's projection but drama and Chaos can make the narcissist the king or queen of their empire you'll see that in most companies run by narcissistic individuals chaos runs the show so so until we figure it out and draw together and stop playing their game this is going to keep happening but that's how we can address this if we could turn their triangle into more of a balanced shape like a line or a square or better yet a circle it means that we need to understand these patterns and become a united front against them triangles work because you got one pole that holds all the power but when the people who are being triangulated sort of look around and recognize what's happening rather quickly they can destabilize The Narcissist from their perch and this can happen even in a family and it can even happen when you're an adult when you're grown and you realize yeah that's the one who's a golden child this was a scapegoat this one's The Invisible Child and you could actually have a meeting of the mind and recognize what's done to you you could actually like this topple the power held by your narcissistic parent but often that means pushing past Old Wounds and old hurts and kind of getting out of your own way to be able to reach across the aisle and break those triangulated Dynamics because for some of us those triangulated Dynamics might have started very early it can be very very difficult and you may recreate those Cycles over and over again but when you're put in a triangulated space in a narcissistic relationship and your partner is saying something like oh come on you're being too sensitive or oh are you really that insecure that you care about the person you're I'm talking about at work that's not what a kind person would do in a healthy relationship your partner wouldn't even put you in that triangulated space and if they do take a step back and wonder about it don't Gaslight yourself and don't let yourself be gaslighted ask yourself why am I being brought into a triangle and recognize like yeah you didn't sign up for a threeome you don't want one and a great way is just get off and leave the narcissist to the other person who's stuck in that triangle with them

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Id: ymT8WXQof58

Length: 50min 43sec (3043 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 20 2024