The Last of Us: Joel and Ellie Season 1 Finale — Therapist reaction 1x9 “Look for the Light"

are you ready we made it we made it to the finale of season one of the last of us I'm Dr Courtney a licensed therapist and today I'm reacting to episode nine I can't believe that we're here I remember episode one meeting these characters and meeting Joel for the first time and experiencing him and meeting Ellie and realizing that we have learned so much about both of these characters and all of the other characters that they've introduced throughout this series and today is the day that I find out that we find out how they've decided to close this season let's go it's me anyone who's been pregnant imagine running through a field away from an infected while having contractions no thank you oh no [Music] oh my God [Music] yeah you [ __ ] told me I didn't expect this scene to affect me as much as it did giving birth is such a difficult and personal experience and knowing that you are going to give birth to a child and die shortly after and not be able to experience the life of that child is probably one of the scariest feelings that a human being can have and that's on like a Deep Survival level our brains are wired for connection and our bodies become wired to connect with our child as we are creating our child and as our child is born and as we hold our child in our hands you can tell that Ellie's mom would have been a great mom and you can also tell that Ellie is so much like her mother I think it's beautiful that in a way we have seen Ellie's mom over the course of this series because we have seen Ellie the way that Anna says you [ __ ] tell him and the way that she says is absolutely beautiful because there's no way for Ellie's mom to know what Ellie was really going to grow up to be like but these seem to be aspects of Ellie's Mom that she was hoping to place on to Ellie as she grew when she's saying these things it's almost like their hopes it's almost like their dreams it's almost like she's saying that she sees her even though she'll never be able to and I think that if Ellie knew it's making me emotional I think that if Ellie knew this that her mom saw her and that her mom was like her and that she's like her mom this would lessen her sense of feeling alone and her feeling of not really knowing who she is Marlene singing that's not your fault find someone to bring her up and make sure that she's safe and I want you to give her this the blade her up right now and then you kill me this is so similar to who actually ended up becoming the caregiver of Ali this situation the way that Ellie's mom is talking to Marlene sounds so much and seems so much like the conversation that Joel was having with Tommy begging Tommy to take her away from Joel because she might not be safe with Joel and to get her somewhere that she will be safe oh Marlena cover her ears oh my God [Music] I'm really glad that they put the picture going straight from Ellie as a baby to Ellie now the toughness that we see in Ellie is present for a multitude of reasons not everyone is tough in the way that Ellie is tough and it matters how she got to where she's at you live in a post-apocalyptic world and you are an orphan and you were raised in a military academy and you have these infected people that are trying to kill off the whole population to grow their own and at the same time this toughness potentially can originate in Ellie's jeans Ellie is tough and that's beautiful and at the same time I wouldn't doubt that Ellie is still crying those same tears have you ever played this he seems happy it's a weird game wow she does not foreign Tire Dynamic is so different I love the way that they made Ellie not interested in the games in the sentimental things from the world that she never knew throughout the whole series these were the things that lit up her heart these were the things that brought her Joy these were the things that made her I think feel like a child because in so many ways she couldn't Joel is upbeat and he wants to connect and he is so excited to have this time to form a new relationship with a daughter-like figure such as Ellie what they showed just now was a really good example of dissociation and as someone that treats a significant amount of people that experienced Association and as someone that experiences dissociation on my own because my own diagnoses it's a very unique experience and everyone experiences some level of dissociation because the brain is capable of dissociating in many different instances and for many many different reasons now the type of dissociation that Ellie is experiencing is far different than the type of dissociation that someone experiences when they're driving a car and they just automatically get there and stop thinking about the fact that they stopped at red lights and that they turned during that street and a lot of us experience that type of dissociation which is where we are functioning our brain is functioning but we aren't consciously aware of a lot of the mechanisms that are going on in our brain at any particular time so dissociation occurs on a spectrum and once you get to a certain point of the spectrum it starts to occur because it's a true safety mechanism now when you're experiencing dissociation for example when you go on autopilot when you're driving your car those mechanisms aren't related necessarily to survival in terms of a traumatic experience however it's really important that your brain can dissociate and or I should say not pay attention to a lot of things that are actually coming in as input because it's too much information so what happens is our brain starts to not pay attention to the things that it doesn't think that it needs to as we continue you on the Spectrum dissociation becomes more of a survival thing and the way of Defending us from things that we don't want to experience and oftentimes when we experience a really intense traumatic event our brain can feel like it has to process so much or it did just go through something so incredibly overwhelming and distressing that it can't focus on anything else and so her ears are hearing Joel say her name but her brain is not consciously processing that she's hearing that sound and Association is really common it can be seen in a lot of personality disorders it can be seen in ADHD in autism in a lot of neurodivergent populations and it can be seen in a lot of trauma-based diagnoses it can be seen in panic attacks it can be seen in anxiety and obviously be seen in cptsd and PTSD you want to learn how to play guitar really Joel doesn't get it because we don't know if he knows what ended up happening but also Joel doesn't get it I think for two reasons the first reason is he has shut off his emotions from difficult experiences for so long and he doesn't want to talk about his difficult experiences and so he in a way unconsciously and probably unintentionally is placing that same aspect of character onto Ellie clearly she went through something really difficult she ran out of a burning building covered in blood but he's been through so many difficult things that I don't think he realizes just how much this could have impacted her without even knowing the details of what it is that actually happened the second thing also though is he's preoccupied because he lost a daughter twice but one of them came back that is a huge huge Blinder to anything else and you can see that it's as if his trauma his dissociation his disconnection from all the difficult things that he's experienced in his life have lifted this in a way cured him at least and of course there's no just cure for everything that Joel's been through but he's acting like it and he notices that she's disconnected but it's as though unconsciously he he doesn't care and not that he doesn't care about her that he cares so much about her and having a relationship with her that he can't see how much pain she's in oh that's sad face okay yeah fine just you kind of seem extra quiet today so this is important I feel like this happens for so many of us where we know that something's not right with someone we ask them if they're okay and they tell us that they're fine but then we just know that they're not however it's really not our place to intrude on other people's minds I mean unless it's your job and I still need to get permission too and so I think it's really important that I acknowledge that that's okay to respect someone's boundary when even though you know something is wrong when someone says I'm fine and they don't talk about what's going on there's so many reasons for that it could be because they don't know how to put into words what it is that happened even though they want to it could be because they don't want to put it into words and they don't want to talk to anyone about it it could be that they do want to talk to someone about it but they're really afraid that they're going to get a response that they're not looking for or they do want to talk about it and they just have no idea what the response is going to be and so they're afraid there's lots of other reasons as well in any of those four cases that I just mentioned it's appropriate for the person to not continuously push and ask how are you is everything okay talk to me talk to me talk to me it can be helpful to just say you know I'm gonna I'm gonna stop asking because I kind of feel like I'm bothering you but I want you to know that I would respond in so many different ways if you wanted to open up if you wanted to just talk about what happened and I don't say anything that's okay if you want to talk about what happened and you wanted my support I would give that to you I could help you problem solve I just want you to know that I'm here for you so please keep that in mind and then you let it go because the thing is even when you say that to someone and they act like they didn't hear you at all and care at all about what it is that you have to say and that's usually a defense mechanism they still hear you there are so many times where people end up making it into my office because three years prior their parent or their partner said to them one day if you ever feel like you're ready for help or you ever feel like you want to talk I will be there for you and so much time goes by and then that person goes to their parents or their partner or their friend and says I'm ready to talk I do need help they remember that you're the person that reached out your hand and didn't demand that they take it even if you pushed back at them and got so mad you still heard them and you still went back to them and and that's a really important thing for us to remember sometimes and we have to learn this as therapists and as clinicians sometimes all you get to see is the seed be planted it takes a long time for it to start to sprout oh wait he's so worried about her Lily come on come on oh no you can see the fear in his face a giraffe oh my God she's still in there is it everything you hoped for it's got its option down you can't deny that to you I'm only saying there's risk there's always been risk we don't have to do this now you're scared I just I want you to know that Joel is so scared you know it reminds me of bell and Frank and the line I was never afraid until you showed up I was never afraid before you showed up Joel has been very adamant this entire season get Ellie to where she needs to go because I made a promise to Marlene now he's afraid because there is fear in love and we saw that in Bill and Frank's relationship which is the complete opposite of what we heard David say when he said love has no fear we see this as a recurring theme over and over again where once you love someone you are so afraid to lose them and we can tell now that Joel is at a place where he loves Ellie so much like a daughter that he is willing to forego whatever it is that he promised to anybody and just return back especially with Tommy to live a life safe in a way choosing for there to not be a vaccine and to not be a cure because at least Joel has his daughter back everything I've done can't be for nothing Tommy's sheep Ranch the Moon she's parenting him here you go stitched you up than I was it was me I was the guy who shot and missed Sarah died and I couldn't see the point anymore simple as that flinched still don't know why so Time Heals all wounds I guess it wasn't time okay wow um I did not see that coming and first thing I want to ask you all is if you've played the game was that something that you all knew the whole time that was a very vulnerable moment for Joel and and it makes sense that he would have found himself there and please keep in mind that I am referencing this in the context of The Last of Us and there are resources below for those of you who need it in this world that we live in today when it comes to Joel first day of all of this happening he loses his daughter the next day he wakes up without his daughter with no end in sight to the day that they are showing right now no solution continued death continued violence to feel hopeless to feel alone to feel helpless makes sense when you lose someone you can't get back and that was your only person anyway the reason I'm telling you all this is why you're telling me all this let's talk about the reason why Joel may have shared that information with Ellie because they don't say why but they both say that they know why I can give you a couple reasons and obviously these are assumptions one reason I can think of is that he was just simply wanting to connect with her and if he opened up about something that he went through that was really difficult to talk about then maybe she would open up about what it is that happened to her as well sort of a shared vulnerability I also think it can be because he wanted to get to the point where he explained to her that he loved her that she saved him and that he sees her as this extremely valuable part of his life now a part of me was thinking that's a little pressure forming like it sort of like implies that Ellie has become his Lifeline which is really overwhelming for a child and honestly really overwhelming for anyone to know that someone's life depends on you outside of the context of being a caregiver or being a parent it feels like there's this really heavy responsibility that has been sort of placed between both of them something for us to consider is also that this wasn't Joel's choice to begin with he didn't intentionally form this relationship with Ellie to replace the feeling of Sarah it's just that he had this experience in his body and brain and mind as he met Ellie and formed a relationship with her and their connection has not taken the place but has fallen right next to or within all of the emotion that he held with Sarah and I think that can get pretty messy oh [ __ ] oh the fireflies did they they did make it how'd you do it with love is over she felt like hell to get here she would have been dead on day one she's being prepped for surgery what surgery cordyceps grows inside the brain it does oh find someone else there is no find someone else please you don't understand I do I was there when she was born I promised your mother that I would save her child I promised give him this Ellie switch please anything shoot him I want to point out at least two different ways that people handle losing someone that they love three different ways the first way is we can talk about Bill and Frank and how under the very specific circumstances Bill didn't want to live his life without Frank he just didn't want to do it he loved him so much that he wanted to die at the same time as him this is something that's really interesting to talk about because there's something known as broken heart syndrome which is where your heart actually malfunctions to a degree I'm not a medical doctor but look it up if you want to your body physically reacts to the loss of someone that you love and it can almost feel like a withdrawal if not worse and it's real these are real physiological and physical medical symptoms that can happen when someone loses someone so having the psychological feeling of I don't want to live without you makes a lot of sense and in Bill and Frank's situation taking your life because your partner was going to take theirs we'll leave it at that that's one example is I can't live without you so I'm not going to then there's another way to react which is in the way that Marlene did she is composed she knows she has a job to do she knows her objective and she has been able to even explain to Joel that she understands and I'm sure what's going through Marlene's head is the fact that yes she made this promise that she was going to protect Ellie forever and keep her safe but also knowing that she had to lose Ellie's mother in that moment by going up and shooting her right in the head the way that Marlene did that the way that she just had to go in and just do it she paused and processed after what's happening right now with Joel is that he's pausing before which is making it impossible for him to make an objective decision if Marlene were to have thought too much about it which she kind of did she refused to do it initially she refused to kill Ellie's mom but then she went and did it and the only way that she was able to do it was by not thinking about it at all she goes in she does it right away and then she pauses then she pauses to process assess what it is that she just had to do in the decision that she just had to make so we have someone that responds with if you're dying I'm dying we have someone that responds with if you have to die I can't think about it beforehand and then you have Joel's response which is you're gonna die or you have to die and I can't deal with it it's not something that I want and I don't want it to happen and we can see that there's so many different reasons why each person would have these different responses and it doesn't only depend on everything that's happened before that person's life but also what's happening in the moment and whatever is anticipated for the future and Joel he was so afraid when Ellie was running up that building in this episode he wanted her to wait and he got mad at her even expressively mad at her because he was so afraid of losing her the emotionality is so intense and for him what he's being told In This Moment by Marlene is that he's going to lose his daughter again and we could even see the way that he reacted when he was given just the slight thought that mommy may be gone as well he walks out and he has a panic attack because it's one of his worst fears now the biggest thing that he's afraid of in his whole life is something that happened and that was the loss of his daughter and he is being told that that's going to happen again he's he's formed a relationship with Ellie so he sees her as his daughter and she's saying I'm sorry and he In This Moment has a choice to prevent his deepest pain from happening again and it looks like I mean I don't know what's gonna happen but I can't assume what else is going to happen that's what he's gonna do see she processes after she makes the choice and she sits with it after she said keep walking [Music] killing everyone it's just killing all these people trying to save the world for one person deemed most important here she is unhooker I won't let you take her exactly like Kathleen she killed a doctor too let's talk about what's happening in the mind of Joel right now he's determined to accomplish one goal and that goal is to get Ellie out of that hospital safely and kill anyone in his way there is a hole and of course this is metaphorical and visual there is a hole in Joel's heart and every action that he is taking right now is defending that hole from getting bigger or from becoming a hole again it was filled by Ellie now it's at a risk of being lost again or maybe it already feels like it's empty his entire being is protecting him from that feeling from that loss and there are so many defense mechanisms and cognitive distortions and things that our brain and our body and our mind do to protect us from these really deep feelings of pain and at the same time it can blind us like something that's coming up for me is one of Jack White's songs called Love Is Blindness and it's so true that that's the case Joel is incapable of seeing that right now what he's doing is making a decision about whether or not Ellie is more important than the rest of the world and this was such a recurring theme when it came to Kathleen and Henry and Kathleen and Henry having that conversation of what makes you decide that Sam's life is more important what makes you think that Sam's life is okay to have all of this occur when coincidentally Kathleen was doing the exact same thing and actually ended up getting her and all of her people killed because she was so obsessed with that hole that she had from her loss of the one that she loved her brother we are the main characters in our lives we are it's the way we're programmed we're programmed to have a perspective to have a mind to develop a sense of identity and develop a sense of self and then we see the world through that lens of it being us seeing the world we can see that changing in many different ways based off of disorders or conditions or just past experiences but mainly we are the main character of our life for Joel the only thing that's most important to him is the survival of himself and the people that he loves and filling the whole that has caused him the most pain in his life that was just recently filled he's incapable of seeing that there's substance and importance and respect and need for other choices and or other people love Is Blindness can't keep her safe forever Maybe but it isn't for you to decide it's not for you to decide either it's not too late oh no even now even after what you've done we can still find a way what did he do oh we we have to look at Joel and the expression on his face and understand and Marlene is asking him to hand over his daughter so she can die that look on his face it's like asking someone to do the impossible but they're living in a world that is The Impossible and everything that Marlene was saying logically made sense how long until she's torn apart by infected or murdered by Raiders but to Joel that's just threats that sounds like continued daggers into his heart and into that space that Sarah will never be able to fill again it makes complete sense that Joel made the decision that he made and it would make complete sense for him to have made the opposite decision as well this is truly the theme of Life how do we value every human being and also keep yourself and everyone safe which sounds like that should be the same thing okay we we care about everyone and we keep everyone safe problem is is at least in the world that they live in in The Last of Us that's not possible turns out there's a whole lot more like you people that are immune they've actually they've stopped looking for a cure yes you deserve a choice Ellie I'm sorry their whole relationship developed because they trusted each other do you trust me they stood by each other's side and they respected each other's decisions you deserve a choice I still think you'd be better off with Thomas let's go and now we're at a place where Joel did the complete opposite of that trying to maintain his relationship with her when in reality that's likely not what's going to happen you can tell that she's so hurt by knowing that something happened to Marlene and if she finds out that it was Joel that he was lying didn't give her a choice and took Marlene away that's not respecting Ellie well Sarah and I used to hug like this all the time she would have liked you Joel doesn't know that he's doing this but he's doing this he's justifying he's making Sarah more of a person than ever in the eyes of Ellie and in the context of their relationship because he needs to justify for himself not necessarily for Ellie but for himself that Sarah mattered and that her place in the world mattered and therefore it makes sense for her place to be filled and obviously not in the same way as he says what to say the two of you are the same I think that she's catching on to it but I also feel like she's probably going to have a difficult time actually saying something because this is such a complicated relationship between the two of them and it's so messy and it's so heartbreaking to see how blind you can be When Love Is Lost you know what I think she'd like you why because you're funny anyway I bet you would have liked her back yeah please like her because she's the reason I made a choice for you when you deserved one there you go there you go he's acting like this is what it is that she wanted he offered this to her he offered her the opportunity to not go and meet up with the fireflies and not follow through with creating a cure or a vaccine and when they're standing on that Hill he goes there you go like this is what you wanted but it's not it's what he wanted and it is so clear that he's blinded love is not forcing someone to be in a relationship with you and if anything if we take that a step further the situation that Ellie had to deal with in the last episode being almost forced to be in a romantic in a sexual in a platonic in any type of relationship with David against her will and how much she fought against that obviously it's a different situation but in this situation it's another person making decisions for her and telling her the type of life that she's going to live and Ellie does not seem like the type of person then innately and from what we've seen that's going to let that fly back in Kansas City you asked me about the first time I killed someone that's it her name was Riley and she was the first to die and then it was Tess and then Sam that's not on you I know I'm gonna pause it right there because that's important Ellie was just opening up for the very first time about Riley and he cut her off don't do that look sometimes things don't work out the way we hope but it makes sense yes he's still trying to justify his own actions you don't know what to do next swear to me that everything you said about the fireflies is true you can't lose her again that's all that it's about I swear after all that time wow this has been a story of grief and love and relationships and decision making and choices you can't run from your pain and we see that over the course of this entire season we were initially introduced to Joel as a man who was partly taken care of by his daughter had a pretty flighty relationship with his brother Tommy and was a really hard worker we were introduced to Ellie as someone who was very headstrong and very tough and very defensive against herself and wanting to make her own choices we learned about how Joel processed his grief we learned that he developed a hard outer shell and that he learned to do whatever he needed to do to survive and then we see him start to actually develop a relationship with Ellie once he gives Ellie the choice to choose him or another way and she chooses him that path begins over the course of the season when we learn about who Ellie is we continue to learn that she fell in love with her best friend and got an opportunity to have her first kiss right before her first major loss and before she killed someone for the first time the two of their paths have been so similar and yet so different their pain will never be the same it will always be different other than the pain that they've shared together and that different choices will be made we can see that Joel took away Ali's choice because he has so much pain from losing Sarah that it blinded his ability to see that Ellie's a human being that deserves a choice and for Ellie she has experienced so much of her own loss and instead of wanting to just live her life and enjoy it when Joel gives her the option to not follow through with finding the fireflies she still wants to it can't be for nothing and there were so many humanity-based questions that were posed to us as viewers and there were so many times where choices were made and we either agreed with those choices or we disagreed with those choices and what I was here to do was explain why some people may choose certain choices over other choices and I hope that I did a good job showing and explaining to you the mental health and psychological Concepts behind this show grief is such an overwhelming experience and so is love and you can see that Ellie knows and this lie is probably unforgivable because Ellie has not had very many choices in her life but this was a big one it was the potential to undo what caused the death of her mom and the death of anyone else that she cared about including Riley this is a really big deal and it's gonna have to get worked out I'm very sad that this series is over I have grown so fond of these characters and at the same time there are more characters to get to we have a new show that we are going into next week and it is fleabag if you haven't seen fleabag it has very similar themes to The Last of Us it's not a cordyceps post-apocalypse show but it is a show about a character who has experienced immense grief very similar to Joel and very similar to Ellie what's different though is she's not living in a post-apocalyptic world and her way of dealing with it is she moves through the world in a very cynical sarcastic fashion to avoid any of the real grief actually surfacing and it's painfully relatable painfully relatable if you haven't seen the show then I highly encourage you to not only go back and watch my episode one reaction I have a horrible feeling that I'm a greedy perverted morally Bangkok woman who can't even call herself a feminist wow you get all that from your mother but also episodes two and three of season one thank you so much for having an amazing ability to make me feel seen I hope I've done the same for you and as always I'm so glad that each and every single one of you exists see you next Thursday [Music]

Channel: The Truth Doctor Show

Views: 60,003

Keywords: Dr. Courtney Tracy, The Truth Doctor, Therapist, Tik Tok Therapist, Tik Tik, Therapy, Mental Health, Mental Health Awareness, Depression, Anxiety, Trauma, Self Healing, The last of us, the last of us reaction, the last of us episode 9, the last of us hbo, bella ramsey

Id: sxCqEidY9HE

Length: 35min 52sec (2152 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 16 2023

Reddit Comments

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[u/SergeantShaahk]

I watched her whole series regarding The Last of Us and it was really interesting and informative!

Highly recommend!

[u/Aggressive_Idea_6806]

Her series is great but this episode got to her in the moment. I appreciate she's reacting in real time.

My quibbles:

Courtney implies that Joel rescuing the unconscious Ellie is a one-sided deprivation of her agency based what she'd probably agree to. She doesn't seem concerned about Ellie's age, survivor's guilt, or active trauma affecting that choice. Commenters rightly call her on giving Marlene a pass and she acknowledges in a comment.

(Also I don't see a sequence of events available where Joel could successfully provide a choice.)

Relationship scenes: I get her concerns about Joel "pressuring" Ellie with the self-harm disclosure and with possibly causing confusion with the Sarah conversation at the end. It's always going to be messy for the kid who didn't die and this is a rather heightened situation. Courtney sees a very concerning, selfish exploitation of Ellie as Sarah's understudy. But my read at the time was Joel is trying to communicate to Ellie that she and Sarah are different but "related" to reinforce that he views her as family now. And it wasn't fully landing because Ellie was preoccupied about the hospital.

Joel does need to be clear, over time, that Ellie's not responsible for his mental health and that she's loved for who SHE is. But he shows good bonding instincts over multiple episodes, being willing to be there without being intrusive. (See KC day 1, when he offers to talk about shooting Brian and immediately respects her not wanting to. Then adorably laughing, finally, at the next pun.)

Now to the trust question. I'm not a therapist and would absolutely lie FOR NOW given Ellie's mental state. If I had a therapist I'd listen to their advice. Ellie clearly knows something's up too, but also knows she's not ready. The lie both self-serving AND for her benefit... Kinda like saving her life. (I can't comprehend those who see ONLY selfish motives.)

In fact, I consider "how long to lie" to be the only moral question worth pondering. IRL one would hopefully consult a therapist like Courtney!

The potential relationship consequences just come with making this decision, given Ellie's likely opinion at this point in her life. But Joel will handle it. No parent would flinch at their kid hating them in exchange for their life. (Not really a spoiler just extra cautious.)

[u/siadh0392]

She gives you a whole new appreciation for how good this game/show really is. Just so much emotional depth—it’s more than just killing zombies and action, which is a good thing and what makes it so special

[u/0verlyCaffeinated]

This is a reaction video from a series that I’ve been following alongside the show. Regardless of which side you might land on in “the debate”, I think this is a cool lens to view the characters and the story through, and thought it was worth sharing.

Edit - She doesn’t go into Marlene’s removal of choice in the video but she does address it in the comment section.

[u/SnooPineapples2499]

tldw?

[u/Aggressive_Idea_6806]

Georgia Dow is also excellent in this capacity, I watch them both. There's also a British forensic psychiatrist (works with incarcerated patients) whose name escapes me.