Our parents form a big part of our personality during the time when we
completely depend on their care. This happens because as young children we perceive
them as almighty, endlessly wise, and flawless. We also believe that whatever they
do, literally - whatever - they - do, they do out of unconditional love And
because we think they are infallible, we consequently think that we are
at fault whenever a conflict arises. In order to reduce any kind of conflict,
we develop patterns of behavior, feelings, and thinking designed to please our
parents and minimise any friction. Unfortunately, these patterns can lead to
a personality that is misaligned with its true spiritual self. And so, we grow into
adults that behave in ways that make us sad. The Hoffman Process was designed to help us detect negative patterns of behavior, break them
and to become the person we really are. To condense a lifetime of analysis into seven
days, the process is highly structured, very intense, and applies a multitude of techniques.
Afterward, participants often understand why they are the way they are and learn to let go
of the negative sides of their personality. To understand how the process works, let us look
at three types of people who on the outside, look just fine, but on the
inside, deeply struggle. Eva is 27, a university graduate, and
she has just started her first job. She’s unable to trust men and is at a loss
when it comes to forming healthy relationships. Jay is 51, an overachiever, and a respected CEO.
However, his marriage is broken and his two adult children hardly ever call. He asks himself
if that’s really all that life has to offer? Tom is 45, married with one child, but he’s got no
friends. He lives with his family far outside town and signs up for the process when he realizes that
his daughter also has problems making friends. Through the process Eva will realise that, when
her dad left when she was 4, and her mother then struggled as a single mom and a lonely woman,
it had a big impact on her. Over the years her own relationship with her father became broken
and she learned that men couldn’t be trusted. Jay will learn that his life was going great
up until his little brother was born — a funny, extraverted, and bright boy. Afterwards, Jay was
hardly ever noticed. Jay soon realizes that his parents would only pay attention to him if he
excelled in school or sports, causing him to grow into an adult who tries to be the best in
everything, in order to get the love he seeks. Tom will realize that he was an accident — born
to a young couple who had just begun dating. As a young boy he was often neglected,
because their life was difficult. His parents who were overwhelmed by the situation
would often snap at him over the smallest thing. Little Tom began to think that he was the cause
of all misery — he should never have been born. The process begins with a phone call from a
designated therapist. This is followed by a 50-page questionnaire that helps their client
to reflect on their lives. Going through the questions, the participants identify particular
patterns in behavior and link them to their parents. Once returned, the therapist uses the
questionnaire to understand the underlying issues. On day 1, all three arrive at the retreat, a place
isolated from the outside world. They hand over their phones and any books to ensure there are no
distractions. Tom then meets his therapist for an in-depth conversation. Afterwards, he gets to know
the other 17 participants and learns that everyone carries within them an inner child that manages
their expectations, thoughts, and feelings. On day 2 Jay and the others
learn more about their parents and how their behavioral patterns have formed
out of love for their father and mother. Jay, who only got real attention
when he impressed his parents, could never be good enough to
get all the love he needed. Such conditional love is
negative because subconsciously Jay takes on the blame for
this disjunction and develops a ‘core shame belief’ — he begins to think
something is inherently wrong with himself. And so, even after 50 years of
trying so hard to be the best, his inner child is still looking for the
unconditional love he got so little of. On day 3, Eva realizes how the patterns she
established as a young girl subconsciously project into her adult relationships — anyone
who reminds Eva of her father, can’t be trusted. Through a group game later that day, she
experiences that there are men she can rely on. Eva then accuses her parents of making her the
victim of their broken relationship - this is important because this way she can retrace
her negative pattern back to her parents. Afterwards, she learns to understand their story, because they too were once children,
with parents who had their own issues. This is important because then she
can understand their situation and realizes that the way she was brought up
was all her parents were able to provide. Now she can make peace with her past,
and her mistrust of men begins to wither. On day 4, participants say goodbye to their
parents and their childhood and ask themselves: Where am I from?
What injuries do I bring along from my mother and father?
How have these injuries impacted my life? What strategies have I developed to
compensate for these injuries so far? Jay, who didn’t want to be reminded of the
painful thought that he’s not worthy of his parents unconditional love, compensated by only
contacting them when he had outstanding news, such as another promotion. Knowing
that they would then surely listen and act predictably, he reduces
the risk of feeling hurt. After this realization, Jay creates a development plan to follow
his vision for life after the process. Day 5 is about our vindictiveness. Tom, who
didn’t want to be reminded that he is the root of all problems, compensated for the pain he
experienced by hiding himself. At a young age, children keep their honor by thinking of how to, one day, pay their parents back
for the misery they caused them. As we mature, such vindictive
thoughts move into the subconscious and by the time he is a teenager, Tom begins
to pay back. First by breaking the law, then by breaking all contacts
with his friends and family. On this day, Tom stops feeling vindictive and makes peace with his parents. His inner
child regains his honor and grows in strength. Grown-up Tom can now leave his hiding place
and finally enjoy meeting other people. On day 6 the participants get to know the
saboteur, the inner voice that warns us of any change in order to keep us in the safe old
world we know so well. Eva hears the voice, whenever she opens up to the opposite sex
— it whispers “remember, you can’t trust men”. Tom hears it when he enters a group of
people — “you are not welcome here”. Whenever Jay tries to relax and be himself, the saboteur says
“Don’t just do nothing! You are better than this!” After getting to know this evil agent, they learn
how to deal with this enemy of our progress. Then the group recaps the entire process
and celebrates their new found selves. On day 7 they learn practical tools on
how to cope with the change they will face when they go back into their lives.
Finally, they go home to their parents, to complete what they have started,
end their old lives and begin afresh. To learn more about the Hoffman process, or to
read the research on it by the Harvard Center for Public Leadership, check out the descriptions
below. Prior to creating this channel, our founder went through the Hoffman Process
and it had a profound effect on his life.
