How to Get Along with Anyone | Yasir Ali Khan | TEDxTRU

[Music] imagine the last time you disagreed with someone both of you are firm with your opinions words flying in both directions emotions really start to flare up before you know it you're pulling your hair in frustration what I'm saying is who's been a relationship here a lot of good-looking people I see you disagree with their opinion but you agree with them as an individual what does it take to get along with anyone and how important is your opinion in defining who you are last summer I discovered the answer to that question when I met someone who not only disagreed with me but disagreed with my very existence I work for a company that sold security systems we travel to Canada's highest crime areas and I was dropped into a neighborhood my job was to knock every single door and attempt to sell an alarm system on the first day of my job and following a colleague who shows me how the work is done he walks up to a door knocks the door and we wait for the homeowner to answer the homeowner opens the door immediately looks right at me his face flares up with rage you Hindu get off my lawn I froze confused angry he was right I should probably get off his property this was the first journal entry I made in my world journal as you can see he used a little bit more colorful language than I have depicted here what a way to start for the next coming weeks I couldn't help but think what a racist I painted him with his opinion over the next few weeks this became somewhat of a recurrence we had people threatening us with their dogs people chasing us with pepper spray people's dogs chasing us with pepper spray it was ridiculous until one day one particular encounter change my perspective forever it was any other work day where I started out by going to a coffee shop scrolling through Instagram for the first four hours obviously before I finally decided to get into the neighborhood and knock some doors I walk up to a house and I hear the two most beautiful words I've ever heard get lost now I was feeling particularly persistent that day so I walked up to the door and I rang the doorbell now I know what you guys are thinking yeah sir why would you do that and let me tell you I wish I asked myself the same question the homeowner opened the door and he came this close to my face didn't you hear me get your brown ass off my property and that's when I got the cue to do what I always do turn around and walk right back where I came from but as I was walking away he kept hurling racial slurs at me he wouldn't stop and I realized that this is not going to stop unless I do something to change it I looked at him and I said what is it about people like me what is it about people of color that you don't like you people come to my country you cause nothing but trouble why do you guys belong either get off my property instead of retaliating i framed him as the subject of the conversation of course it's your country it means a lot to you for the next half an hour he continues to ramble about how much he hates people of color how much he hates people like me and I did nothing but listen and nodded my head and I acknowledge everything he said the more I acknowledged the more he seemed to continue talking to me it became very clear to me that this is a man who fears for his safety in the world that's constantly changing around him so I asked him specific questions what is it that happened to you what did these people do to you to give you that belief I had this shiny car on the outside one of your people comes up bashes in the window dents the car and strands off I can understand how traumatizing that must have been for you I reflected with this pain I can't feel safe in my own house yeah I get that you see what my company does is we put a camera on the outside of your garage this thing has a motion detector built on it so as soon as one of these guys comes to your property it'll send a notification right to your smartphone do you have a smartphone yeah yeah I got a smartphone see this is how it works this thing has a speaker built in it as well as soon as one of these guys comes onto your property you press the microphone button and you tell him to get off your lawn from the comfort of your own home yeah but these things are pretty expensive right yeah they're they are pretty expensive but luckily I happened to be in the neighborhood running a bit of a promotion so could give you a good deal I was hoping we would talk more about the security system but for the next half an hour we ended up talking about how we both love spicy food what kind of sci-fi movies we like and we even agree that the earth is actually flat okay maybe not that last bit four hours later I finally walked out of his house and he became the owner of a brand new security system it's truly beautiful what happened here I connected to him as an individual not to his opinion I didn't just make a sale I made a friend imagine how many people we run into every single day and we judge them based on an opinion based on an idea based on a perspective when we really don't know any of them I had a friend who put on the left sock then the left shoe then the right sock then the right shoe what type of sociopath does that really I disagree with his methods but I still keep him around because I agree with him as an individual as I reflected back on this experience I realized that when emotions really start to flare up its empathy that puts out the fire I wanted to make a system that will allow you to get along better with anyone a system that'll allow you to connect to the individual not to the opinion in a system you can use when emotions really start to flare up and just so you know exactly when to use it guess what I decided to call it flare isn't that convenient this is how it works you frame the person you're talking to as the subject of the conversation we love stories that highlight our interests when someone's talking about us it makes us feel special we want to continue talking to them what you want to do is you want to make it about them and that's what counselors do so well they make sure the focus of the conversation is on you they give you center stage and it's your show you see when I broke up with my girlfriend what we did was we talked about it and then after a few minutes we realized we're still friends so it's all good I'm pretty happy now it's not about you anymore it's about them you're robbed of your own story and no one likes being robbed with their own story a good way to keep track of this is to keep track of how many times you use the word I and how many times you use the word you in conversation the more you make it about them the more they want to listen to you listen to understand not to respond too often what we do is we listen to someone up until a certain point and then we've decided our response okay I'm just gonna wait for him to finish and I'm just gonna say what I have to anyway we can't wait to take a deep breath and stick in our opinion what we don't do is listen to the feelings behind the words how was your interview fine awesome let's go celebrate let's go have dinner you're not listening to the feelings behind the words connect to the individual by understanding where those feelings are coming from acknowledge how they feel acknowledging is not the same as agreeing with how they feel it's simply acknowledging that you are present imagine this scenario someone bumps into your car and instead of coming outside and acknowledging how angry you are we come look at the car yeah that's not a big deal this is just a scratch it'll be all right and he gets back in his car goes home would you want to punch him in the face or what he's not acknowledging how you feel and it takes great courage great patience and a complete lack of judgment to acknowledge someone you disagree with reflect with how they feel too often we're so concerned about how we want to do things that we don't know what it's like to be in someone else's shoes in my case that meant putting myself in the shoes of someone who hated the very idea of me how can you possibly hate me come on guys those of you know me as hard as it was for me to imagine I could see where he was getting that deprived sense of safety I could see what it was like to reflect in his shoes reflect with the individual engage with the individual engage them with language that provokes storytelling what we do is we argue based on facts as if we're gonna convert someone else's opinion based on facts I'll give you a quick example when was the last time you convinced someone to take you out on a date strictly based on logic as you can see this is a picture of my dog you can see I'm a very loving and caring person this is my bank statement here which means I'm a very good economic option for you let's go out on that date that pick up why it might work on r2d2 but for us humans we don't work like that to engage the individual with language engage them with platforms where they can express so you can understand how they are let's put all of this together frame the individual as a subject of the conversation listen to understand not just to respond acknowledge how they feel reflect how they feel and engage them with language that allows them to provoke their stories and for you to connect to the individual not the opinion imagine we live in a community that works off a model like this a community where we saw more in someone than what we see a community where we listened to more than what we just heard in the community where we felt for more than just ourselves a few months after last summer I got a text happy holidays Yassir had a lot to think about since the day I met you I asked for your forgiveness for everything I've done to you nothing but peace in your future this is the same friend who was gonna kick me off his property and imagine I never saw the side of him imagine I had held a grudge my entire life because I judged him based on an opinion and I never knew him as an individual I encourage you every single day wake up and see every individual who walks this earth as more than just an ideal more than just a thought and more than just an opinion there will come a time where you don't get along with someone when emotions really start to flare up and when that happens remember to frame listen acknowledge reflect and engage the individual connect to the individual not to the opinion I did that and now I know him to be the man he really is I know him to be a deeply compassionate man on his own journey to understand the world I now know him was my friend this is the power of empathy this is the potential of a framework like flair to bring us together in a world that seems to be tearing itself further and further apart ladies and gentlemen connect to the individual not to the opinion that is how you get along with anyone thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 37,584

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Communication, Empathy, Personal growth, Redemption, Relationships

Id: WeOI_KhEqlM

Length: 15min 54sec (954 seconds)

Published: Wed May 02 2018