[THEME MUSIC] (SINGING) Oh, I woke up in the dawn. My love was gone. And there was I beneath the sky of gray. So my hat, I gave a tilt. And my cane, I gave a twirl, and went merrily-- Excuse me, honey. What are you doing? I'm just doing my dusting, darling. Well, I'm just doing my rehearsing, darling. Oh, now, don't get temperamental, dear. I'm not getting temperamental. I've got to get a number ready for a television show. And I can't do it if you're going to come around here dusting and interrupting me. Well, go right on working, darling. Sheena, take your jungle with you, huh? Jeepers creepers, I'll never learn this song. (SINGING) Oh, I didn't have a cent. My rent, I spent. I knew I'd have to leave the key or pay. So my hat, I gave a tilt. And my cane, I gave a twirl, and went merrily. What you doing, daddy? I'm rowing a boat in Central Park. What are you doing? I'm trying to find out what you're doing. I'm rehearsing a song. I'm going to be on a big television show in two weeks. And if you're a good girl, daddy will let you stay up and watch. Oh boy! OK. Now, be a nice girl. You listen to this song, and don't-- don't interrupt me. Hear? It's real pretty, and in the middle part, the orchestra comes in. Bling, blang, bling, blang, bling, blang, bling, blang, bling. (SINGING) The lining of my pocket. I happened to find a lonesome little dime. I'll just have to toss it up, says I. Heads for coffee. Tails for a shine. It fell upon the ground, and there it found an open grating where it went astray. So my hat, I gave a tilt. My cane, I gave a twirl, and went merrily, merrily on my way. That's what you're going to do on television? Mhm. Then I guess I won't watch then. There's a fine daughter we've got. I'm not on yet, and already she's switching channels. You better come along with me, darling. No, I want to stay here and bother daddy. Oh, boy. Kathy, you mustn't interrupt him when he's rehearsing. Come in the kitchen, and I'll fix you an ice cream sundae. Chocolate? KATHY: Yes. Whipped cream and chopped nuts? KATHY: That's right. - With a cherry on top? KATHY: Uh-huh! I don't like it. Come on. Then we'll bake a cake or do something. Daddy is busy. I'm never going to get anything done if you keep interrupting me, you guys. Oh, great, another count he heard from. Not one word out of you, young fella. I'm rehearsing. I'm trying to learn some songs for the new television show. So whatever it is you've got to say to me, it can keep for some other time. You understand? Because I'm a very, very busy man. Russ! Russ! What kind of way is that to come into the house? Can't you say something? Well. Well what? All I can say is I'm not going to play in the football game this afternoon. What do you mean? They dropped you from the team. No, they didn't drop me from the team. - Then what? - I'm quitting. You're quitting? Yeah. I thought I was going to get to be quarterback. Instead, they stuck me in the line again, the same old position, right tackle. Whoever notices the right tackle? The left tackle. Daddy, this is nothing to joke about. I was counting on being quarterback. He's the one they all cheer for. He's the guy that girls make a fuss about. - Girls? - Sure. What do you think we play football for, just the exercise? Excuse my ignorance. Right tackle? They can keep it! I'm not playing. Come back here. Come back here. What kind of an attitude is that? You mean to tell me just because you can't be the main guy you want to quit? What's wrong with wanting to be the main guy? There's a lot wrong with it. There are 11 players on a football team. They can't all be the main guy. But they're all important. If the right tackle didn't open up the hole, the main guy couldn't gain any yardage, could he? You wanting to be a quitter just because you can't hog the spotlight. Nobody likes a quitter, boy. The quitter winds up not liking himself. You think about it, son. Well, you've got nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about? Not much? In less than two weeks ago, I go coast to coast on a TV show, and I got no guest star. I can't do this by myself. I know. That's what I told you. All right, then who did you get? Did you line somebody up? Well, Dan, I did the best I could, but the only thing I could come up with was a small time, West Coast entertainer named Hope. Hey, you don't mean Bob Hope? I think that's the one. He tells jokes-- been at more army camps than powdered eggs. Liz, Bob Hope. Oh, I could hug you. Please, watch it. I want to be loved for myself alone. I love you for yourself alone. I think you're the world's greatest press agent. That's true. Bob Hope, how did you ever get him? Well, when I told him it was for the Heart Fund, he said he'd be delighted. Isn't that wonderful? Yeah. - Bob Hope on my show. - I know! Oh, brother. You don't have to worry about material. He's loaded. He's got tons of material. Yeah. Well, that guy's got so much stuff he could stay on for the whole half hour. Sure. I could just sit backstage on a stool. Yeah! Yeah. Why, you double-crossing-- What? How could you do a trick like this to me? Dan! You think I'm going to stand around and watch old ski-nose steal the show from me, doing the half hour by himself? I-- Danny, listen. He's not going to steal your show from you. He's going to help you. That's all. Help me? I've got a big picture of Bob Hope helping. I've been on benefits with that guy. The minute he gets on, your audience won't let him off. Danny, he has no intention of stealing your show from you. No intention, maybe, but that's the way it turns out every time. I was on a benefit with him in Chicago. I waited all night to get on. By the time, he got off, it was way after midnight. When I got on, the only people left in the audience were two old ladies sweeping the aisles. Bob Hope! Of all the people to get, you've got to get Bob Hope. Oh, that's going to be some TV show. I'll spend the whole show sitting on a stool backstage. I can just see it now. Good evening, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you enjoy our show tonight for the Heart Fund. And I'm sure you will. I'm certainly honored to be the star of this show, and later on, I'm going to present to you my guest star, Bob Hope. And he'll be out later. You called? Boy, take this backstage and have it filled, huh? He's good. What's his name? Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm thrilled to be here tonight on behalf of the Heart Fund for this wonderful show. I almost didn't make it, by the way. I just got back from Paris. I didn't intend to go there, but I was invited to a Mike Todd party, and that's where his chauffeur drove me. You know, a lot of people think of Paris as being behind the time, but it's really up to date. It's very modern. I know. I was there, and they've got the biggest television antenna you've ever seen. Oh, it's a great town. If you haven't seen the Paris traffic, you haven't lived. And if you have, you aren't. What traffic? It's the world's largest game of chicken. Now, the French drive like Paris is still occupied by the Germans. That's the end of that joke. It sounded like the end of my career. And of course, the traffic regulations are very rigid. I read one that said at speed above 40 miles an hour, the driver must be in the car. I had a wonderful time there. I spent four months there making a picture called "Paris Holiday." The story is about a boy and a girl. In France, that's all the story they need. Starring with me, there's Fernandel, who is French, and Anita Ekberg, who is Swedish. Before I left, the State Department said to me, Bob, here's a perfect opportunity for you to create love and understanding between nations. And I've just made my report. Everything's fine between Sweden and us. And what a sensation that Ekberg caused when she walked down the streets of Paris. It was the first time in French history the Eiffel Tower looked like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. I enjoyed working with Fernandel, a simple, unassuming, naive Frenchman who swindled me out of a half interest in the picture. But I think you'll like "Paris Holiday." It's on a wide screen and in gorgeous color. And at last, you'll be able to see my eyes as they really are, black and white. After the picture, I traveled around. I went down to Italy, where I just happened to see Gina Lollobrigida. She was pushing her baby carriage down the street, and I threw myself under her wheels. But she has got an adorable baby. And so cute lying there in the carriage with a bottle in one hand and a pizza in the other. After Italy, I flew to Moscow. Did you know tourists are allowed in Russia now? In fact, when you land at Moscow airport, there are no more questions asked, and nobody bothers you. I was still a little suspicious, though. It's the only airport in the world where they sell you life insurance after you land. And as you enter the city, there's a big sign that says, welcome to "You Bet Your Life." Say the secret word, and win five years of Siberia. Finally, I had to leave Europe and head for home. You know, it was good to get back to the States again. After you've been away, you realize that America is still the greatest and most wonderful country in the world. And I say this sincerely with all humility and the hope that the Internal Revenue Department will accept my expense account. Well, I think I've been up here long enough, ladies and gentlemen. And I think it's time now to introduce the man you've all been waiting for. Here he is, Danny Williams right here. Good luck. Thank you. We're a little bit late, folks. Good night. I won't do it. I won't do it. I won't do it. That's all. I won't do it. I won't [INAUDIBLE]. Are you sure that's the way it's going to be? OK. Thank you very much. Bye! Danny, come down here. DANNY: What? I told you you had nothing to worry about. Bob isn't even going to do a monologue. He isn't? No, I just talked to his manager. No, the idea is for you and Bob to work in a sketch together. - A sketch together? - Yeah. The old lover sketch. Now, his writers are punching up the lover sketch now. Oh, honey, the old lover sketch. That's a scream. And we'll both be on the stage together. I told you. Oh, but we'll both score that way. - Sure. - Oh, that's great. And his writers are punching it up. LIZ: Yeah. I've been schlagged again. His writers are punching it up. Did you ever see Hope come into a studio with his writers? It looks like Notre Dame coming out for the second half. They'll write all the funny lines for him. Oh, honey. I'm sure with Bob Hope it will be 50-50. Oh, sure. 50 for Bob, and 50 for Hope. Now, Danny, listen to me. I'm not listening to anybody. Who pays those writers? Hope. Who are they going to write the funny stuff for? Hope. And what'll they do for Danny boy? Eh! Oh me, the lovers sketch. Oh, that's a funny sketch, too. You know what part I'll wind up playing, don't you? I can just see it now. Oh, you Cody boy. You handsome devil, don't ever let them put a filter on you. Just keep that goodness coming through. [TRUMPETS PLAYING] Ah, the doorbell. I'll be back. Gloria, darling. Greg. Oh, and they laughed when I put in that diamond doorknob. How neighborly of you to drop in. Did you come by for a cup of soup? No. I came for your mouth, your lips, your arms. How soon can you get them back? I have a date tonight. Oh, you fool. Don't you understand? I'm a woman, and you're a man. The sneak! She peeked at my driver's license. Would you care for a drink, my dear? Oh, I'd love one. [BELL RINGING] Did you ring, sir? Oh. Oh, yes, Jarvis. We'd like a drink. Yes, sir. Isn't that a new butler? Oh, yes. That's a new man. What happened to the old one? Oh, my man Bing? Well, he's honeymooning in a money-covered cottage in Palm Springs. Ah, there we are. Well, as we say at the Stork Club, "Here's to Gloria. Here's to Greg. Last on to finish is a rotten egg." Ah! [GLASS BREAKING] Oh, Greg. Oh, how can I tell you what you do to me? How your piercing blue eyes thrill me. How the touch of your hands send shivers of ecstasy up and down my spine. How the soft, fullness of your lips melts me into submission. Come, come, girl. Stop nagging. What are you trying to say? Do you believe in love at first sight? Honey, I'm the West Coast distributor. Shall we drink to it? We shall, shan't we, huh? [BELL RINGING] Did you ring, sir? Yes, another toddy, Jarv. Yes. Please, honey, please. Please, don't make a hog of yourself. Please, baby. Oh, and Jarv, let's-- let's have the big glasses this time, huh? You know, the ones with the shoulder straps. You know. Well, let's not lose our altitude, baby. You rushed it, didn't you? There you are. As they say on the Riviera, "One for the money, two for the show, slug her down, and go, go, go!" [GLASS BREAKING] Cigarette? Thank you, darling. Oh, I think you'll like their tangy flavor. These cigarettes have been approved by five New York doctors, who also put out a cough syrup. [BELL RINGING] Did you ring, sir? Fire, too. They're my own special brand. They're a special blend of Virginia tobacco, Turkish tobacco, and King Farouk's old spats. Thank you. Where were we now? Oh, Gregory, take me in your arms. Fill me with kisses. Oh, just this once. They don't allow cooking in these rooms, you know. [BELL RINGING] - Did you ring, sir? - Yeah. Ignore it. Ignore it. More rocket fuel, if you don't mind. And come back dancing, huh? Yes. Thank you. Quite a blend. Oh, yes. Here we are. As they say at Newport, "Eight little fingers, two little thumbs. Look out, stomach. Here she comes." [GLASS BREAKING] Oh, what a season! What a season! Wait a minute, Bob. Bob. - Go away, will you? I work alone. Will you, please? Now, just a minute. I-- I don't like the way this sketch is going. Silly boy, I love it. Go away, boy. Bob, listen. Bob. Oh, wait a second! [BELL RINGING] Oh, shut up! Danny! This whole thing is unfair. I'm supposed to be the star of this broadcast. You're doing everything. I just haven't got enough to do in this sketch. Well, I didn't know you felt that-- you mean you want more to do in the sketch? Certainly. Oh, well. [GLASS BREAKING] Get busy, boy. I won't do it. I won't do it. I won't do it. I won't do it. I won't do it. I won't do it. I won't do it. That's all. I won't do it. I won't be in the show. So go down there, and get me out of it. Are you out of your cotton-pickin' mind? You promised the Heart Fund. Oh, darling, you've never let down on a charity show in your life. Well, I'm letting down on this one. Now, I don't want you to talk about it anymore. I've made up my mind, and it's final. Well, I guess that's that. Oh, boy, this life of a press agent. I should've listened to my father. He wanted me to be a pickpocket! I'm not going to go on a show, and that's all. Daddy, aren't you going to be on TV? I'm afraid not, dear. Why? Did you chicken out? Did I chicken out? What kind of language is that for this child to be using? Where do you pick up such expressions? From you! Well, don't listen to me anymore. That's right, darling. You mustn't listen to everything daddy says, because sometimes he doesn't mean it, like, for instance, I've heard him say, the show must go on, but I guess he doesn't mean that either. Honey, the show's going to go on. It'll go on without me. That's all. But darling, you're letting down the Heart Fund. I'll send them a check. It's not the same. They were counting on your appearance. I was counting on my appearance, too. With Hope there, I might as well phone my act in. Look, honey. I'll just get lost in a long list of credits. That's all. He's the star. But darling, he is a star. Well, I'm a star, too, in my own right. This is a big chance for me, a television show like this. Look, I don't want to go backward, honey. I-- look. Let's just forget about it, huh? I'm not going to play second fiddle to anybody. Hi, everybody. KATHY: Hello, Rusty. We won, 14 to nothing. Oh. Oh boy! Please, let's not get emotional. Rusty, I thought you weren't going to play. So did I, but I got to thinking about what daddy told me, and he was right. KATHY: Oh? What did daddy tell you? Oh, it was-- nothing important. It was, too, important, and I'll never forget it. OK. You remember it, and keep it to yourself. What was it, honey? It was nothing, nothing. Well, I wasn't going to play because I couldn't be the quarterback. Yeah. Daddy says you don't walk out just because you can't be the main guy, because if you do, you're nothing but a quitter. And nobody likes a quitter, do they, daddy? Well, do they, daddy? It's not the same thing. Oh, isn't it? Come on, children. Let's leave daddy alone a while. He's got something to think about. Rusty, I'm proud of you. Liz, I was just going to call you. - Hi, Dan. - Bob. - Hey, Dan. - Hello, Bob. Gee, how nice to see you. Listen. Before you say anything, please, let me-- let me just say this. I'm going to be on the show, Bob, because I realize that it takes more than one man to put on a show. You've got to have a right tackle, too. I mean, you've got to have team play to get that ball over the goal line. What's with the crazy Lebanese halfback? Ha ha ha ha. Oh, isn't he fast? Nobody faster. Oh, you're a funny man, Bob. A funny man! That's why whatever you want to do on the show, I'll be very happy to collaborate-- do anything you'd like. Hold it, Danny. You've got this thing all wrong. You're the star of the show, and I'm just going to be there to help you out if I can. - No. Besides, look, I don't have too much time to rehearse. So I'd-- you'd be doing me a big favor if you do all the funny stuff and just let me play the butler. You-- you want me to play Gregory, the lover? Yeah. That way, all I have to do is walk in and say, "You rang, sir?" You know, and then throw in a few ad libs, and hit the freeway. You know what I mean? You'll do it for me, won't you? I'll appreciate it, baby, if you-- Well, Bob, I'll do anything you want me to do. I mean, after all, I want you to be happy. And anything you say, Bob, because I want to cooperate. Why didn't Anita Ekberg cooperate like this? I've never been hugged by a halfback before. Oh, this. It's my son's. I forgot to take off the helmet. Oh. Aren't you going to take off the nose guard? All right. Come on, fellas. Come on. [INAUDIBLE] ANNOUNCER: And now continuing with our Heart Fund show, here is Danny Williams and Bob Hope in a sketch entitled "The Lover." Oh, you adorable camel jockey, you. You never let them put a filter on you. Let that goodness keep coming through. [TRUMPETS PLAYING] The doorbell. I'll be back. You'll have to wait. Gloria. Gregory. It's my turn. How neighborly of you to drop by. Did you come in for a cup of flour? No. Didn't you come by for-- for my lips, my arms, and my mouth? No. What did you come by for? For me, you fool. It's my day off. A little late, folks. Good night. [THEME MUSIC]
