The Boundaries Summit Day 1

[Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] so we are live officially what's happened [Music] [Music] [Music] thank you you see this is why feedback is great [Laughter] i can imagine you trying to read my lips like what she's saying thank you for letting me know that you couldn't hear me thank you udwa kobong how are you where are you joining us from udrakobong if you're excited to be here please um you know type in in the comment section your best emoji or the fire emoji to let me know that you are excited to be here today please yes bookie i see you now i can hear thank you thank you for the feedback this is why feedback is awesome so please we are going to need your feedback in the comment like we're going to need you to engage with us today in the comment section because that is how the um speakers are going to know that okay they're communicating right so let us make this a two-way thing okay are you ready yes yes yes um says i'm joining you from delta state awesome awesome how is delta states today bookie says yes love and fire yeah i would love to be here and this is going to be awesome it's more tired says yeah dancing dancing let's dance yes we are happy masaru toya putting in the fire emoji right there thank you thank you please as you join us please tell us what is going on is this my network i don't i don't want to believe it's my network please i don't want to believe it's my next one can you see me can you hear me we we canceled every network shenanigans today no network shenanigans allowed in this space we we we declared already everything is going smooth okay so let me know if you can hear me i see you massa rotoye i see you at the amiga i see you sarah j will see thank you please let me know where you are watching from let me know where you are watching from just drop where your location where you're watching from welcome welcome to this amazing summit your mind is about to be blown you're about to receive lights from right left front back center up and down light is about to hit you on every side with regards to the topic of boundaries all right and today we have a list of amazing speakers coming our way so please you want to be ready use this welcoming time now in case you don't have your your writing materials ready please take this time now to go get your notepad please don't make it a paper a sheet of paper no no no get a whole journal a whole book see see mine here a whole nother book so that you can write down the light that is going to be coming to you so that you can write down the the powerful nuggets that will be coming to you today get your pen and paper ready take away every form of distraction so that you are able to soak in you know the word the wisdom that is going to be dropping for you today now going to give sarah a deal with meaning from lagos nigeria how is legal day how is the weather coming you know you're saying that welcome welcome to the party or welcome to the sun meeting you love the seats in the front so that people that are coming late can sit at you back you know so let's get each other um thank you brookie for saying amen to that yes amen no network shenanigans here today um math also says i'm joining from lagos it's like lagos is taking over also please what you can do for us is hit the share button on this video right now on youtube and share to your status your whatsapp status share to your instagram story share to your facebook page your facebook group your facebook account everywhere share on your whatsapp list your broadcast list all right share it share it share it because the truth that is about to hit you in the summit is not meant for you alone we don't want to hear it you don't want it to spread and so we need more people to join us here today so please share share share and share all right are they yummy yeah somebody else says i didn't say that from great effect awesome awesome so good to have you here uh masa rotate i look oh i look beautiful thank you i'm gonna blush now [Laughter] thank you so much we have somebody all the way from south africa hey do i know how to beat this hot africa shame i don't and i can't even phone your friend right now to ask but thank you for joining us roslyn roslin wow okay that's it that's uh that's a new one for me all right thank you all the way from south africa where is south africa joba cape town where south africa let us know that sarah it's raining beautifully in lagos whoa that's sweet that's sweet that means it's a chilly weather so please quickly quickly as you are doing quickly plug in your your kettle now or put your kettle on the stove whichever one works you know we always have backup plans right whichever works for you i'll boil some hot water right now so i can make yourself a hot cup of tea or coffee or choco you know whichever one you love best right so that you can keep yourself warm as you take in light from the summit today all right chi chi well he says journey from houston texas dear what's up what's going on in texas how's the how's the weather in texas today thank you for thank you for joining us chichiwei ida david dam boamer good afternoon i'm joining from burn you whoa all the way from borneo state northern nigeria good to have you here good to have you here thank you for joining awesome roslyn okay say don't worry you can't greet me in your box you can greet me you're about shiki oh oluashiki what what that is such a powerful name god is worthy to be praised from johannesburg awesome you know it could be like he god is going to be greeted or what is what is to be praised like you know um eulogized awesome wow that's the first time ever i'm hearing that name amazing name you've got there thank you for sharing with us and yo bye says join me from liverpool you okay yeah yeah yeah we are not here to walk alone we're here to work with each other but actually also here to understand how to work with each other by setting healthy boundaries so we don't step over each other but we can walk along together in harmony keeping each others you know keeping each other's boundaries respecting each other's boundaries and you know just living life you know to the best to the best of our abilities all right thank you so much thank you you guys are amazing please remember that you can share this link right now just hit on that share button on your youtube uh where you're watching this hit on the share button share to your whatsapp status share everywhere shareable okay because we need more people to join us today all right share share share and as the light comes as your as you as you are hitting or you know as the wisdom is hitting you as the light is hitting you and you can also share your takeaways um in form of you know you know tweetable moments right simple moment on twitter and use the hashtag boundarysummit 2021 all right boundary summit 2021 you can also use the hashtag um leave love freely okay rosalind says both ways will do i love your fire quite contagious and setting a great tone for this one a life for this once in the lifetime experience thank you you guys are awesome you are giving me more ginger and i'm loving it [Laughter] i am loving it all right thank you thank you thank you for engaging all right you guys are awesome you guys are awesome yeah yeah yeah so let me just quickly engage you quickly by asking some questions you know we're here to learn right have you gotten your notes now do you i wish i wish i could see you i wish i could say okay let's do this this is the way i know i can see you because i trust you completely because you're legit like you're you're the real mvp right so let's do this if you have your notes and your pen with you please use the note and pen emoji or the writing emoji in the comment section right now let's know who is taking selfie with me after this after the service let us know is guessing a person now one-on-one time with me let me know those people that are in my corner right now so if you have your notes and your pen with you please put the emoji you know that writing emoji that you have in your image put it there or put a book emoji let's see people that we are together that we can prepared all right yeah it does let us know let's know then also what do you think whoa bookies on fire oh i didn't prepare i would have brought some gifts but my mom though i will work out something maybe there'll be a wwe gift tomorrow okay but thank you thank you awesome book is ready who else is ready who is ready with your notes and your pen krista nazi noyea is ready first arrow has two no two pens three notebooks and one journal like you know you know when you're writing exam like please extra paper extra paper and somebody beside you has never finished producing one paragraph and like i don't understand are we writing the same example i'm gonna be asking for extra sheets sarah they will see it's also ready for us awesome i love it now let's do exercise before our teacher comes you know our teacher asks because we have a lot of them right before they come on board that's what we do like some sort of stimulation like getting ready prepared as good student that you and i are right when you hear the word boundary what comes to mind let me hear in the comments let me let me read out your responses in the comment section when you hear the word boundaries what comes to mind for you ah i know we have a few ways in the house today i know we have first class students in the house today i know we have like readers who are leaders in the house today now i'm ready i'm ready i'm ready to read through your answer so when you hear the word boundaries what comes to mind what does boundary mean to you what does boundary mean to you or what's your take on boundaries right let's see let's see let's let's let's share knowledge that's what we're here to do let's share knowledge yes chichiwei is ready with his with a writing pen i'm like hey i'm ready i'm already jotting things down so that's what i can take teens away [Laughter] [Music] all right the answers are rolling in let's read that now shall we let me put that right up on the stage on the page okay sarah are there was to say a boundary a line that is drawn that's like that's like deep somehow deep butter this kind one lineup g can you exponentiate sarah it says a boundary is a line that is drawn you know when you leave it at that it's like in between it can go this way or that way so which way is this for you specifically sarah when that line is drawn what does it mean for you let us hear um okay this is interesting christina says cristiano tinoya says safety net so when christana christiana hears the word boundary what comes to mind is safety net that's interesting i wish you could type out something to just kind of expansion a little bit remember we are here to learn and i'm like i'm awful i'm off for the learning i'm i'm i'm a lifelong student like i'm a forever student i'm a forever student so please just tell me tell me when you say boundaries connote safety nets for you how how please talk to me please talk to me thank you thank you guys hey please please please please who is sharing this sleep who is sharing this thing please please please please please sharing this link we need more people to get here because our teachers are getting ready they are coming into the classroom with their notes they are ready oh god please go and call all the late comments don't let them miss out on this okay we have another answer we have another answer either david says boundary is a limit set not to go beyond hmm a jurisdiction carved out to operate with hey mr or mrs ida david damburma please are you a lecturer because are you a professor because like the way you are the way you just you know you know if if it felt like um that full stop in the middle should i be like semicolon because you know you're trying to explain you know like ah look at that just just read that boundary it's a limit set not to go beyond a jurisdiction carved out operate within like the boundary is please don't step outside this line you do it i cut off your leg i love it i love it i love it thank you so much for sharing thank you so much for sharing yes yes yes yes keep them coming keep the keep the comments coming keep the the sharing going on we are going to start with our first speaker soon but let's let's let's engage a little bit you know you know when it comes to my desires you know they have to present you with cold water and they start to ask how are you doing how's your family you know this is what we're doing here this is what we're doing yeah right here okay so bear with me right okay let's see more answers chi chiwelli says boundaries when i hear the word bound what comes to mind is my personal space like see there is space so please my boundary is my personal space don't come invading it anyhow you like i love it thank you for sharing chi-chi sarah says a line that is drawn to set required limits wow awesome i love it i love i love i love how you're using the one line though like he's jelly though he's like in the spirit so he's like one of the one of the sisterhood though but thank you so much for for bringing that out thank you for sharing um ade yamiche marquez says a boundary is a limit that prevents excess oh please let me chill with water with that one i said it that we have a few ways here amazing a boundary is a limit that prevents excessiveness so that you don't do pass yourself so that i don't jump the gun today i don't always step in so by stepping where they're not sending you to what's there you understand awesome i love it i don't think you have to work it thank you for check like you guys are awesome like you guys are just amazing amazing amazing amazing oh who dwelco bong our first person to show up and give me a feedback you look beautiful i love your picture so nice to have you here thank you for coming let's see so who dragobong says when i hear the word boundary what comes to mind is a set down rule that shouldn't be crossed hey my personal space that can't be evaded like please please like it cannot i don't have time i love it i love it i j is here yes we are live yes please please we're ready for you in the studio hi jim i'm already for you in the studio all right thank you so much um [Music] oh it's miss ida ma'am no i'm not a lecturer my mother is and i love to teach you are coming you're coming close yeah a teacher it starts from there you first of all teach steve stage and then next thing you know you want to for that yes you need a phd that's when you're a doctorate you know yeah coming there it starts from teaching yeah teaching and lecturing you know in the same family doing the same specification okay thank you so much but your mom is a lecturer so you're not far you're not far from it at all but thank you so much for sharing that you see we're getting to know each other i love it thank you thank you for engaging roslyn says a border line that sets limits that is what comes to mind when i hear the word boundary it is a line where one end and where another begins there are two deep deep people here it says it keeps in and at the same time keeps out are you sure we should continue with this summit because the people here they're on fire like they are here prepared like okay we want to just add on to what we already know about boundaries i'm loving these definitions my goodness i'm loving them thank you thank you for sharing with risley i reckon they say a real or imaginary point beyond which a person or sin cannot go absolutely you know when we kept saying like i'm like um can we see the line where is the lie how do you recognize the line well i think that's exactly what we're going to learn today because some people don't even know how to set this line some people don't even know that this line exists so they don't even know when it is being crossed or when it is not being respected at all and all of those things are what we're going to be learning from the summit today all right okay one more answer it says it's an avenue for ensuring we don't hurt each other which is usually drawn from a place of respect without unnecessary drama ah that's the safety net we're talking about i love it you see that drama thing that i just mentioned now you just hit the nail like i should be able to come to you and tell you um christina really i don't like it the way your tone raises when you talk to me and there shouldn't be dramatic what do you mean what's mean on that and that's how i talk oh that's the way i got created no there's no need to we don't need to have that drama i can just tell you oh really you see how i really sound oh thank you for the feedback okay i'm going to pay my attention to it simple like life can be really really simple don't you think guys like life should be simple and we should be able to communicate with each other without strangling each other without all the unnecessary i love it christina is very unnecessary all this drama queen everywhere where we want drama kings and uh uh and ancestors now too much people like drama too much thank you thank you for pointing that out amazing amazing amazing like you guys have been awesome awesome okay yes if you are ready because i'm about to bring on our first speaker if you are ready let me see you type ready ready ready ready if you don't type regularly ready i will not i would just say let's close service now but we cannot close that it's no way we're here for you like we're here for you today all right so let me see the ready in the comment section let me see them already in the comments section all right guys let me see am i seeing them am i seeing them yeah my people are ready okay now drumroll timmy lady father i see it you thank you thank you thank you mimi fudge welcome ready ready emotional i haven't called you before i did y'all me i haven't called you before thank you for joining now we're about to bring on our first speaker so please sit back with us take away every form of distraction be ready with your notes and your notebook and your pen okay so that we can learn from our first speaker so i'm going to bring her up after this introduction all right abba kato ander therapist author transformational speaker hope manga mba m a lmhc is a christian therapist author and transformational speaker she is the owner of chrysalis counseling and coaching a private counselling practice abba calls herself the hope monger because she says my heart cry is to promote mental emotional and spiritual health by educating inspiring and ultimately elevated people to harness the amazing power of hope in their lives the constant theme in abba's life and career has been her concern for well-being of others and her love for important information and new insights to encourage people to leave authentic rewarding purpose-filled lives abba is a passionate mental health advocate and is a director of health and wellbeing international an ngo aimed at mental health education and promotion she is the author of the best-selling book reflections of a hope monger and the host of the hope mongers podcast which is ranked as a top 5 percent podcast globally abba is a wife mother and mother-in-law she lives in florida the usa with her family speaking on the importance of boundaries for mental health ladies and gentlemen welcome abba kato ander [Music] thank you thank you thank you i'm so honored to be here so excited to be here as well thank you we are super excited to have you here mom thank you so much for making it a date with us so the stage is absolutely yours please blow us away thank you what i'll ask is um i have a presentation how can i load that on as well okay i get it i see it now so let me just see how does it how can i make it move can anybody help me you would have to i think you would have to move it from your end so um just display it but but when you play it it might cover up your screen so what you want to do is probably um have the play button because when you play directly it covers up your screen so you might not be able to see us but we would see your presentation we can hear you okay so you mean i can go into powerpoint correct yes yes all right so i will do that okay all right can you still see me and hear me absolutely ma'am wonderful well you know from my end which is florida usa good morning from all over the world good afternoon good evening from wherever you're tuning in from um as thank you for the wonderful introduction my name is abba ketuanda and you know the introduction has been made already the only thing i'm going to add is that i live in florida usa by way of ghana west africa and so one boundary i said for myself today is that me about today i'm not getting getting into any kind of a debate discussion argument about who makes better joloff but that being said i'm so honored you know i'm so honored for any opportunity to talk about mental health you know there's two pandemics going on right now there's covid and and any therapist any kind of counselor anybody in the space of mental health as a professional will tell you the last 18 months have seen us extremely busy people are suffering and what is really interesting though is that when people come to therapy with me they typically do not realize that it's a boundary issue no no no no typically yes they come in and they are experiencing you know symptoms of depression symptoms of anxiety they don't look after themselves they are getting into conflict with their loved ones they feel like they have too much to do during the day you know to to too much too many things to do in too little time they they feel resentful resentful uh overwhelmed and then oftentimes they are codependent which is just a term that says that you know you you are bound to something in such a way that your happiness depends on the other person so if somebody is sad then your day is messed up that's what i see and and really when when we when we talk about it it always boils down to a boundary issue to several boundary issues it's been a tough 18 months i want to share this you know um at the end of last year there was an article in the new york times where a social scientist did this huge you know study and what he said was that the dominant emotion he was predicting for 2021 based on this study is a term called languishing so what does that mean well just like regular health you can be healthy then maybe things happen you know you're not feeling so healthy and if it passes you can get ill same thing with mental health it's a continuum right and so i learned that continuum from mental health to mental illness somewhere along that continuum there's languishing languishing is that feeling of the guy described as blah i feel stagnant i feel empty there's a coach i believe the number one the number one female speaker in the world i think i saw a tim about emmel robbins she wrote a book called the five second rule she herself sent a newsletter just about last week saying that she felt emotionally fried and then and then the following which sent another newsletter to say that the moment she said that people who just responded and said i feel stuck i feel emotionally exhausted i cannot focus so this languishing it is pervasive and what this study found is that this large group of us who are not thriving but languishing he says in the next decade if we don't do something to stop the degradation there's going to be a whole lot more of us suffering from mental illness and so we really must address this languishing we really must address all the things that come against us you know to to try and mess up our mental health what i like to say is this how does our mental health become compromised well the issues of the world will come right i liken it if you can see me if i put this weight on my hand right now it's not too difficult to carry but if i sit here for minutes in two hours into probably most of the day at some point my my hand my arm will give way because the weight will just take a toll on on me being able to you know keep this weight up add to that another weight and the more even this adding a second one is tough so definitely over time you know it will eventually make my hand my arm give way because my strength will be finished same thing if we don't stop find ways to stop the reasons the things that compromise our mental health it will bring us down so a typical you know patient i see in my practice this lady i will call teresa not her real name teresa is 29 years old a wife a mother and when i say blended family her husband has three other children and theresa has a two-year-old teresa is a full-time pharmacist you know she's a fly beautiful intelligent well-spoken fit young woman in addition to what she does at the pharmacist full-time teresa supports her husband's personal training business and of course personal training or at least husbands business in the last 18 months has taken a big hit they were thriving prior to 2020 but in the last few months has taken a huge hit they've tried they've done things like do online personal training sessions it's still not back up in addition to that some of the other trainers who worked for her husband quit so they have a shortage of staff and so therefore what teresa does because she's also a fit you know also has a qualification as a personal trainer is that three four days a week she'll wake up at five take her two-year-old son to the gym settle him down and then she'll run a class and then she'll come home get him dressed drop him off at daycare and then start working she works from home and then she'll work all day till about five pick up her son give him something to eat and then she'll go back to the gym for the evening session she's exhausted she is exhausted now the husband works well as well in the business however it may appear that he may have a little bit more time to himself right you know while teresa has a full-time job as a pharmacist and so she's getting resentful in addition to that teresa is a health professional she's a farmer said she has noticed that the way her son interacts the way he cries and so on she's beginning to suspect that he may be on the autistic spectrum if so he'll need specialized help when she talks to a husband he doesn't want to hear about about it oh no we are christians we we we don't we don't we don't even accept that we don't receive that and so and on top of that too teresa has a side hustle she has a party rental business she works in the weekends the woman gets no rest the woman does all the housework so she barely sleeps she is resentful you know i think it's not easy being a stepmother and when i talk to her this woman who you can tell this every so often there'll be a flash of the life and the light that i can tell you know is really the true hair most of the time though she's in the doldrums and when i spoke to her this week she says i don't know i don't know maybe next time you see me i would have walked out she just feels stuck she just doesn't know what to do teresa is languishing teresa is languishing and if we don't do something to stop the degradation teresa will become clinically depressed and anxious and who knows what what could happen to her all right um god does not want us to languish it is his will that we thrive can i preach for a second just a tiny second he said i came that you may have life and have life more abundantly so let's just get that clear he doesn't want us to languish he doesn't want us ill not physically not mentally not not not spiritually he wants us to thrive this is good for us so again i talked about the continuum right between mental illness and mental health so things happen that compromise our mental health if we don't put things into place eventually we could end up with a real mental illness so anyway what is mental health you know balade said she wanted me to kick off this summit really talking about mental health what is mental health well when we are mentally healthy we can basically cope with the demands of our day when we are mentally healthy we are productive during the day we have fulfilling relationships with people we can adapt to change and when stress comes we can adapt that is mental health that's when we are thriving all right and as i said if we don't look after ourselves then mental health is compromised to the point where it is now mental illness and when we are mentally ill it's a medical condition let me say that and the chemistry of the brain changes the chemicals in the brain then go out of balance right now there's different reasons why people you know different causes of mental illness but certainly um difficult stress can actually is one of the main causes that can lead to mental illness and symptoms of mental illness will then significantly disrupt a person's life and so it's important that we deal with all the reasons people are stressed or we deal with as many of them as the post as possible it's important that we have a toolbox of strategies including setting up boundaries that will allow us to stay mentally healthy and thrive and i just want to say you know again mental illness is so stigmatized but the truth is that it can affect people of all ages races religious persuasion income levels it is no respecter of persons it is no respecter of persons and i think that's important so let me just tell you how pervasive mental illness is because i think it's time we understand it and stop stigmatizing it the who says that one in four people in the course of their lifetime will be impacted by a mental illness one in four in actual fact this was actually prior to covet in my opinion it's probably one to three you know i've heard somebody was telling me that the other day in germany they found out it's one two three one in three people and i'll tell you as a mental health you know professional what i've found is that if so anyway let me just actually say this properly one in four affected by mental illness it means if you don't suffer from mental illness you have a close loved one who does and it's hard anybody who's had a loved one who's been depressed or suffer from bipolar disorder or debilitating anxiety what have you it is tough on their loved ones too so listen we must you know stop this degradation this languishing that is taking us into mental illness we all have a part to play from the start to say this mental illness accounts for 13 years of life a healthy life lost because of ill health disability or yes healthy death because when people are severely depressed when people have severe mental illness suicide suicidal ideation is a risk factor all right this i won't stay much longer on this slide at all but i wanted to show you that diseases of mental health or otherwise known as mental illness is a wide umbrella of disorders and it includes things like major depression that's clinical depression bipolar disorder and let me just say this for one minute in life we all go through things we all have feelings where we feel depressed we feel sad we have a sad day you may even have a sad several days maybe even a sad week clinical depression is uh where you have there's a nine different symptoms and if you suffer from you're experiencing five of them of those nine all day every day for at least two weeks then chances are it's a clinical depression so you know i don't want you know we use the term sometimes very casually you may feel depressed you may feel sad i'm talking about clinical depression here there's also something called bipolar disorder this is also a very difficult thing to live with many many intelligent amazing you know um people live with it but it's tough because you have these highs you have these lows and some around the light they can disrupt you know it can disrupt life there's also things like schizophrenia all right even um addictions alcohol abuse drug abuse they are a mental disorder as well all right mental retardation or intellectual disability and also things like adhd which many many adults and people suffer from so you know so when i show it like this you can see that actually many many many of us actually do suffer from mental illness and setting not setting good boundaries only exacerbates what we experience all right so what is a boundary and i heard at the beginning different amazing definitions of of of the word boundary you're right a boundary is basically a line that divides a line that marks the limits of an area when it comes to relationship i picked up three different um definitions of boundary there's actually a therapist who wrote a book on boundaries called nedra and she says this a boundary is a cue to others about how to treat you another definition says boundaries are limits that people set in order to create a healthy sense of personal space in actual fact i found another definition here that says this boundaries protect us keep us safe and keep us certain boundaries a good boundary should keep the good in and keep the bad outs boundaries let people know what is okay with you and what is not okay with you what is acceptable to you and what is not and boundaries also limit us we put that we put boundaries to limits put limits on our own behavior as well so when we set boundaries it allows us actually to be authentic to be the true people we're created to be all right and so knowing our boundaries knowing what boundaries to set knowing how to manage balance because that's a whole other thing as well it's essential if we are going to thrive but why is it so hard for us to set boundaries well i'll tell you a little ghanaian joke there's a joke that um ghanians find it hard because truly the word no is a really powerful boundary word there's a joke that's ghanaians find it hard to say no and the joke is that a foreigner flew into ghana one day and the first person he met he said is it true that ghanians find it hard to set boundaries and the response was who told you i don't know if it's a true story or not but why is it hard for us to set boundaries well it's interesting because actually right from when we are conceived there's a boundary you are in an amniotic sac in your mother's belly right there's a boundary we are born into our mother's arms our parents arms they carry us they care for us that's a boundary when we start to you know become toddlers and crawl and so on and as we grow up the parent parents will tell us do this or don't do that don't climb here don't do this they're setting boundaries for us and actually really young kids like the age of two they're really good at setting boundaries listen to a two-year-old no no no they'll tell you how they feel they don't hold back they're in touch with your authentic selves so what changes well what changes that when we get to our teenage years early adulthood then we begin to really want to um fit in fit in to society to fit in with our peer group with our friend group and part of that quest to fit in means that we try super hard to be nice super hard to people pleases and we do it at the expense of ourselves so i think that is why it's typically so difficult for us to set boundaries but listen everybody listening here or watching me right now take a second do you need to set boundaries here are seven signs all right if you are experiencing some of them then yes then you could do with some improvement in setting boundaries in your own life so here they are you feel overwhelmed or bent out or that you don't have time for yourself you feel that people take advantage of you and you feel resentful and actually what's happening is that you sometimes avoid people you're not available to people you just maybe shut off your phone or don't read your message you are dodging people right all of these are signs that perhaps you need to set boundaries the truth is that you don't owe people anything you can say no you can say not right now you can say let me think about it these are all boundary words so the number one reason why we don't like to set boundaries is because we are afraid to disappoint we are afraid to anger people therefore people won't like us that's all in our heads it's all in our heads and then not only is it important to set boundaries but it's important to know how to maintain boundaries that's another part of it as well because oftentimes people will push against your boundaries it's human nature to be honest it's actually human nature to push against boundaries human beings i think that there's something in us will take as much from any personal situation as the person will let us it's just our nature and so if people don't respect our boundaries then let's ask ourselves do we take ourselves seriously do we believe we are wet setting that boundary or when people try and hit against our boundaries do we hold them accountable you know or are we too flexible we're not consistent in how we set the boundaries or maybe we haven't clearly verbalized our boundaries you know truly sometimes just saying no once may not be enough it's important to have your actions match up with what you are saying so think about it and if you find that your boundaries are uh are being you know continuous people are trying to push against them and break them then ask yourself what can i do you know to be able to maintain the boundaries i set clarity saves relationships you know there's a bible verse from romans chapter four where there is no law there's no sin and that is so true you know there are certain countries in the world where yes a man can go ahead and marry four wives it is no problem but in other countries more than one wife is seen as bigamy polygamy and that is a breaking of the law you know so truly when we let me give you one one example i used to have an aunt every time she sees me she'll hold my cheeks oh you're so cute how are you how are you how are you when she would touch my my my face i didn't like that i actually have sensitive skin i break out you know now you would think that people should know better but the truth is that sometimes people are in their own head or maybe they just don't so you may think that okay it's not right to go and touch somebody's face and say ah you are so cute but maybe the person doesn't know when you set a boundary oh you know what auntie thank you i miss you too but please my face is sensitive so please don't touch my face oh you know just a silly example then you make it clear to them what is okay with you and what is not okay with you so it's important to declare and to set clear boundaries natural fact when people know what to expect from you it makes the relationship better and it helps you stay mentally well amen when we have healthy boundaries you know we it not only is our mental health good our emotional health is good we can figure out ourselves because i know myself i know this is what i need and so when i set boundaries it helps me just be more authentic and be my best self and we can avoid burnouts because if you don't know how to tell people you know what my workload is too much right now i'm focusing on this you end up with so much going on which will then lead to burnouts that's a mental health issue so here are some different types of boundaries and i know other speakers as the weekend will go on we'll touch on these as well time boundaries so you decide you're attending some events or you are helping somebody with something but you don't go and necessarily spend the whole day you decide you know what you tell the person i can see you between four and five that's a time boundary another type of boundary is a physical boundary you know maybe you don't like someone in my case touching my face you know or maybe you are seeing somebody and say no we're not having sex till marriage that's i don't know don't try and you know quest me to go to bed with you because also a conversational boundary right where you know the the topics you know you say listen i don't want to talk about this or this distresses me or i'm not ready to talk about this yet or this you know topic is not something i'm talking about with you that's a conversational boundary and then there are relationship boundaries you know you can choose how close or perhaps how distant you want to be from certain people some people are toxic you may need to love them from a distance some people are so toxic we need to cut ties some people you love but maybe they are not mature enough to hear about a particular situation you're going through so you may limit whatever information you share with them so there are different types of relationship boundaries another important boundary is a personal boundary and that's where knowing who you are knowing what you know you want to become you're setting personal boundaries set up personal boundaries of behavior boundaries in terms of you know your self-care boundaries in terms of you know how you are apportion your time through the day those are all boundaries all right many different types of boundaries and i know you hear much more about them as the day goes on again the point being when we set boundaries we have clear expectations we have better mental health all right research says that family relationships are probably where it is the most challenging to set boundaries and complicated relationships are actually among the leading cause of what we are seeing as increasing rates of anxiety you know so because we can't say no that's actually the root of so much worry stress anxiety that we experience when we fail to set boundaries effectively all right so here's how how the the flow goes we find it hard to say no to somebody then maybe we get overwhelmed resentful avoid them all of these are anxious thoughts all of these functions thoughts are swelling in our heads our brain has difficulty shutting down maybe our sleep is affected maybe our dread sets in we are too busy we neglect our self-care boom mental health compromise boom on the road to anxiety or depression it's as simple as that it's as simple as that but the effects are far-reaching if anybody has experience being overwhelmed or burned out or being depressed or anxious you know what i'm talking about right so anyway overwhelmed more to do than the time you have and your mind is always full of whatever you have to do at the end of the day and what i said to teresa that client of mine is i said something is going to give do you want it to be you something that's going to have to give you're going to have to set boundaries boundaries regarding the care of your son boundaries regarding how you spend your time it looks like working mornings evening and a full day and cleaning the house is too much for you are you going to get help are you going to ask for help from your family are you going to ask your husband to help you more are you going to perhaps not do as much on the personal training side all of these are boundaries that teresa needs to consider otherwise the weight will pile up and eventually she will crack eventually she will crack we don't want that clearly you know teresa is feeling frustrated annoyed you know irritated of course then it brings conflicting relationships you know she was she had some unkind things to say about her husband not a good this now that marriage is suffering too see how that works all right another symptom of setting poor boundaries i said is when we disappear cut people off we don't show up we are passive aggressive and how we we deal with situations not a good look on us because the truth is that relationships are important relationships is how two or more people relate to each other we all of us need relationships in fact god created that so that we are wired for relationships you know in prison when they put somebody in solitary confinement it's a huge punishment because we are we are wired to have connections and so therefore because we are wired to need connection it's important that we and we work so that we have healthy relationships because if we don't it takes us on the other side towards mental health so i just want to quickly touch upon when it comes to internal boundaries three important relationships that you must consider i'll go through them really quickly because i know i don't have much more time left number one your relationship with god that's an important relationship number two your relationship with yourself and then number three your relationship with your spouse and your other loved ones so when it comes to relationship with god i think what it's important to begin to set boundaries by understanding what drives your life what is his purpose for you find out his purpose do you have a plan for how you want to achieve that purpose god deposit into your spirit if so have a plan set goals set smart goals and then i also offer this in my book reflection of a hope manga i thought you need a plan but you needed to don't list because sometimes it's not that we we don't have a good plan it is that we have too much on our plates and some of them are not critical or crucial in moving us towards achieving our purpose those things we have to get rid of so how about to don't list what things will you take off your plates what people will you take off your plate toxic people we don't do toxic again you know we don't do we we can't afford to have people who are are drained as they drain our energy they make us feel discouraged no so not only should you find out about what god has for you and have a plan but also habit to don't list have people have activities on that to don't list the next one your relationship with you do you truly love yourself is it true love because the evidence of true love will show in how you look after yourself see human beings man is a tripartite being spirit soul and body therefore health right must come by looking after ourselves spiritually having a connection with our maker it will come by keeping our bodies also healthy because we need our bodies to carry out god's plan and purpose for our lives and also by keeping our our soul which is our mind our intellect emotions keeping that healthy that's where we set boundaries now if any of the areas of our lives those three areas is is is not healthy then we're like a three-legged stool where one leg is cut the stool will not stand so my question is are you emotionally healthy are you thriving you know again this is not to make anybody feel bad but this is truly to take this time and ask yourself this question not just in this moment but maybe over the weekend even the best of us achieving the most amazing things every so often must check in with ourselves ask ourselves am i emotionally healthy am i thriving or is is my mental health compromise if so what is compromise what do i need to do to get back on track when it comes to relationship with your spouse again i won't spend too much time here i know other speakers will touch on it in one way or the other there must be spiritual unity our purposes for our lives which god has downloaded into both each of us must be aligned might be compatible and also importantly the relationship that marriage must be emotionally and physically healthy god didn't create any of us for emotional mental or spiritual abuse and that is one thing that can bring us down that is one area where we must look at setting boundaries all right i just put this in here if anybody is single please don't marry don't date somebody who has uncontrolled anger somebody who has addictions somebody who is bitter has bitterness you know selfishness greed i'm not judging but i just know that you know what you you you settle for is what you're going to get they don't change people don't change after marriage right now if you're already married and and you are seeing these things in yourself or your spouse please seek wisdom you know um dr henry cloud has an amazing book on boundaries in marriage and also invest in therapy i'm a big of course i'm a therapist so i would believe in therapy but i'm a big believer in therapy invest in yourself and see a therapist you see because here's the thing about life and if you can see me here if i'm reading this piece of paper is it easier to read like this or like this like this or like this and i'm sure right now i'm on my powerpoint screen so i can't see any comments or anything um but um the truth is that when you talk to a therapist somebody who doesn't know you somebody who doesn't have any preconceived notions about you then what happens is that they're able to look at you look at your situation more objectively not to say a loved ones cannot help us or don't desire to help us of course they do but sometimes they almost feel like they know us too well and they have preconceived notions about us but the beauty of working with somebody like me who may not know you and therefore is able to see your situation objectively that's one plus the other one is that i'm trained to be able to pick up on where mental health is compromised or where the person might be depressed or anxious or some other mental illness so we can deal with it one example i remember i had a couple months and um the husband one of his big things against the wife was that she was quote unquote lazy you know she couldn't get out of bed she would stay in bed she wouldn't do what she needed to do around the house well when we i evaluated her actually found out she was severely depressed and so therefore we had to treat the mental illness the depression first and then they could begin you know that marriage counseling so again a good boundary is deciding let me invest in myself right so that's i invest in my relationship invest in in whatever is going on with me so i understand myself and i can be my best self um somebody said that the unexamined life is not worth living i'm leaving this i won't stay too long on this but again to make the point that nobody nobody was was brought to experience spiritual mental or physical abuse all right this power and control wheel sometimes people have argued that it was made in a a caucasian setting and yet i think there's so many parts of this wheel that are so true so if you can read it and if not i'll still provide this uh sheet as a resource to anybody but when you know one spouse is is using coercion and threats and making carrying out threats on the spouse that's you know a red flag or intimidating or using emotional abuse or you know really preventing their spouse from going somewhere and doing things or they do something to them and they are minimizing denying that they did what they did to them you know so it's a really powerful again not enough time to go through it's a really powerful wheel this power and control wheel what's interesting is that um is that when it comes to christian settings there's also they made they adapted this power and control wheels for the christian setting as well can you stop here it's fine yeah i can still hear you and i think that that is i if you guys i think we will put the link to the we'll drop the presentation in a google drive and drop it at the bottom of this because we want you to have it what was that was that mind-blowing award please let me see in the chat oh my gosh abba thank you so much for giving us the the basis the foundational clinical psychological basis for boundaries i mean like you touched on so many things oh uche says so easy to listen to um book is saying i love this type of boundary slide you know things that are so easy to grasp so that we're not just in the um what you call it esoteric realm and just thinking like people don't understand what we're saying so you have a chance now to ask questions i think we can take two or three questions in case saying so good thank you to me take fallout day relationship with god self and spouse awesome set smart goals all right um do we have any questions go ahead and put it in there um and then we'll ask abba yeah this was the best way for the boundary summit to start thank you for laying that very solid foundation so i want to ask you while we're waiting for our questions i want to ask you that you don't list when you said it i was like my gosh how many of us have to don't list do we write it daily do we write it once and done tell us about that list while we're waiting for other questions well you know i have something i call in my calendar um my i call it my show up for yourself time wow so in that time whether it's 30 minutes i'll catch up on the tasks that need to be done but i also review the different things on my plates and and because you see at any point in time we are mothers we are wives they are professionals i'm not saying men are not busy too we are spinning so many plates if you don't take care the thing that will drop would be you really right right the thing that would drop will be you so so absolutely so i think that it's important to not only have a plan of what you want to accomplish but also drop off what is not so important or you can outsource you know i have somebody else do it indeed so yeah oh my word okay so once that is the two don't list for me absolutely uh someone said something maybe you could just throw a little more um like on the signs for someone who especially is in a relationship that's not you know clear-cut evil and good what would you say are some of those really subtle signs to find that hey there's a boundary issue here you mean when there's abuse is that what you mean not really abuse but just to say hey in this relationship whether it's with your friend with your your boss whatever it is in that relationship what are some of those really um subtle signs that you're like everything is not okay i think we have boundary issues in this relationship you know that's why i think it's important i mean i think everybody should come for therapy a bit it's important to learn how to check in with yourself honestly checking what am i feeling you know i've had people tell me wow i believe 31 years i only knew about happiness and anger no you could be feeling frustrated disappointed irate there's so much so check with yourself what am i feeling and i ask yourself what is giving rise to that feeling so when you're checking with yourself and you realize that no you know what um i i i i i feel disappointed i feel you know overwhelmed or i'm i'm taking stock of this relationship and it's it's a one way i'm giving all the time and the person isn't that's a sign right if you find yourself you're the only one giving in fact me as for me i'll i'll just report myself right now i'm a reformed people pleaser aren't we all i'm a reformer and so i actually now when i'm about to do something i actually will sit down and check your mind am i doing this just to be liked or did god tell me to do this if if i didn't hear from god to send me i'll just wait until yeah absolutely absolutely oh my word okay yes we are getting a lot of comments in fact it's like it's like every word you say is answering someone's question so they're like you just answered something for me and i see my next guest backstage nodding because she's she's feeling everything you're saying so tell us if there's one thing you want to leave one of the things we africans have a lot right we always use each other as sound boards we always before we go for the real therapy to or something may have must have scattered so how can we be better in quote therapists for our friends or our community in quote what is that language what is that demeanor what are those questions we should ask to better be there for our um friends and family honestly just listen sometimes people just want to be heard i think that's a very important thing we feel sometimes pressure to solve their every problem and sometimes what people need is a listening ear i have had clients sit down and tell me wow this was a great session i'm thinking in my head ah just listen to it i just listened today i didn't actually have to do that much ask them how they feel you know what i think if you truly listen the problem is that we sometimes listen just to respond but but if we truly listen then we'll know what kind of questions to ask these things are inherent enough if you truly listen you know what kind of you know when to be quiet and just you know have that sympathetic body language as well and sometimes i think it's a good thing listen when when our blood pressure is high we go see a medical doctor if we want to start a new business we go see a business coach if you're not sure about you can't sleep well and you feel overwhelmed you know what invest in yourself yeah and see a mental health counselor it doesn't mean you are crazy it doesn't mean you are so crazy or your marriage is so bad no it's a wellness thing oh i love that i love that an emotional massage go for an emotional massage when your your muscles are aching you you go sit there and go for a spa day well maybe an emotional spa day one on one with somebody who is trained to give you confidentiality and show you unconditional acceptance and no judgment you know that's it that's it thank you so very much about what you guys say to abba come on come on come on i feel like i was just in a therapy session thank you so much abba and lovely to have you on here our next guest will be coming wait let me uh let me add our next guest so that she can give you some feedback hello beautiful awesome ddk what do you think of abba gosh i love you um i think what keep me the most is just the genuineness i always sort of get a sense of when a person is leaving what they are teaching and that came through so strongly and i was just like yeah yeah yeah this is good this is good i enjoyed it and it was just uh very refreshing on my soul oh wow thank you so much ddk i can't wait to hear yours i'm sitting waiting i have my pen my paper my notebook everything's ready all right all right okay thank you um abba and we'll be seeing on the other side yes we love you all right look who i have here you guys can you go wild can you go wild with me you know me i miss composure so i'm trying to work on my composure right now i'm gonna lose it here i'm big big congratulations to you my darling um the summit is already gone live in a very epic way and i'm so proud of you thank you i appreciate it we are the ones who are glad to have you right here um frances wants to finish all the hot emojis on the internet i see you frances i see you mimi fudge and ajiro can you roll script please for um ddk's intro and we will have her you guys get ready to milk [Music] [Music] is a transformational catalyst equipping a new breed of african visionaries to rise and enthrone the continent into global prominence through a work of coaching consulting and capacity building she is the founder of immerse coaching company a personal transformation coaching practice executive director at idation hub africa a public policy and impact advisory firm and president at kingdom women global alliance and fire brand movement both faith-based organizations she is a thomas international certified workplace personality profile analyst certified job evaluation analyst and an experienced corporate trainer she is also a certified visionary leadership coach by the oleg konovalov global coaching certification her beloved learn through play approach awakens excellent team dynamics and achieves memorable learning for her clients ddk as she's fondly called is an author of 20 books till date and has spoken on three continents to emerging leaders teams of multinational corporations global development practitioners sme owners and young people yearning for purpose-driven life speaking on boundaries for the multifaceted visionary welcome debolah deji kurumi why she is speaking on this topic because i'm sure you're trying to put your hand on one thing because we like to define people but i want you're trying to put your hand like okay which one did they say she is it is it coach is it pastor is it a global speaker is it trainer which one you're trying to put your hands it's not it's not gonna work and that is why if you live such a life you need rock solid boundaries so ddk over to you to share wow very excited to be here i woke up extra extra excited because this is my summit and it gives me great joy to see what uh braladi has put together for you and um we are going to be extraordinarily blessed by the summit i want you to be on the lookout for every session every speaker i want you to have great expectations for what is going to happen to you because of the summit and yeah by the end of the summit write back to us and let us know all the transformations that are starting to take place in your life so i have just a few minutes and i'm going to keep it sort of like short um but for sure as we go along all through the summit i believe that a lot of our extraordinary speakers will begin to give credence to the things i will share with you and um yeah they'll help you make sense of a lot of the conversations that will go on um today okay boundaries are a powerful thing and i feel like onto umbrella they really started to speak about it maybe those of those women in particular who held onto it as a way of living and embrace the principles around it you know they were thought of as crazy and difficult and uh just trying to edge the world out from their lives but i'm glad that the conversation about boundaries are now becoming mainstream because it's related to your mental health it's related to your peace it's related to your effectiveness as a human being as a first-class human being so to be able to get on into this kind of conversation um gives me joy because it's not flowing into mainstream and you can now gain the tools that you need to really organize your life and architecture your life in such a way that you're not constantly invaded you're not losing your sense of peace you're not losing your sense of identity and you're able to live life on your terms in that sense on the terms of how god shows you is the ideal way to live life before i get into my conversation today um i i want to say to you that there is there's an ideal architecture for your life there's there is a way that god has designed your life to function effectively now this is about the most significant recognition you're going to make in your life and then from the point of embracing this revelation you are going to have to become deliberate about cracking what that architecture looks like there is if you like a blueprint a master plan there is a very specific you know order into which you can set your life a unique order into which you can set your life and it will almost feel like you've automated your success it would almost feel like you've automated your uh your relevance because you become plugged into an order of purpose that allows you to serve your highest mandates and your highest assignments uh leaning into your greatest divine giftings and keeping yourself fresh to have a continual flow of insight of concept ideas inspiration revelation knowledge as well as also enjoying what comes to god for us uh what comes from god to us when we are properly positioned and i could just go on and on about the blessings and the benefits of uh being properly positioned into your ideal architecture and maybe what i can just say to you is if you've ever been in a space seizing face of your life where you had unbroken communion with god your spirituality you were acing it and you really felt great about what you and god had in that season and you were also really releasing genius great productivity you were delivering on your work um you were also feeling plugged in into a strong sense of purpose you felt like i'm living my life um serving what i was born to serve and you weren't out of your zone of peace you were really feeling a great sense of peace you know um you were waking up fresh and excited your energy levels were right and even when you were stretching because of the demands of vision you were not feeling like you were stressed to breaking point let me know in the chats if you've ever been in this kind of state if you've been in this kind of state let me know a face space time and place in your life where you were plugged into god you loved how that made you feel you carried this sense of i'm actually living my life for what i was born to do right so you felt a sense of purpose you were producing genius great work you were proud of what you were putting out you were in touch with the people that mattered to you the most and you were investing in those relationships and then you also carry this great sense of peace fantastic i love it iberi says yes i've been in that place um if you've been in that place like iberi let me tell you what that that experience and that place that space is not meant to be a miracle in your life miracles are uh divine interventions to cost correct humanity when it is uh out of deviation from god's ideal design so that space place face of your life is not meant to be a miracle it's meant to be the it's meant to be your natural habitat that's how you were designed that space and place is meant to be your natural habitat it's meant to be leaving it's meant to be um how you really experience life that's that's how life was meant to be and i feel like if we latch onto this revelation till it truly fills all parts of our hearts that's the first miracle because we have become so accustomed to our struggles that we think that's how life is meant to be lived you see and and people have become so used to navigating life with the crutches of their fears and their pains and and and you know all the pressures people are used to living treasure zone lives that you know when you ever experience this thing i'm describing if you have you are you're thinking about a vacation right so that's why people are crazy about vacations because they're trying to escape their lives what god intended is for you to design a life you don't need to take a vacation from what god is intended is for you to live the life he designed the one you don't need to take a vacation from right so you don't even have to leave uh where you live to anywhere else for you to be able to like really enjoy this life that i've designed and a part of the things that will help you reclaim your space of peace and help you reclaim your space of life by design is actually boundaries boundaries are part of things that will help you reclaim living by this design this design of sabbath and this design of purpose that is propelled of prosperity that is propelled by purpose right um so listening very carefully all through this summit you see and the pieces will start to come together and let me let me warn you a life that you don't have to take a vacation from actually requires work um and you have to become become intentional to edge out the weeds and become realigned to what will truly um you know bring you into the place that god has designed for you to be what is eden in that sense for you okay i hope that helps you just really lean into the boundaries so made and pay attention um because like i've said to you the boundaries setting new boundaries in your life is actually one of the ways you're going to reclaim uh living by design because when you're not leading by design you actually let go of the power you you let go of a sense of order in your life a sense of priority in your life because you're not plugged into a big picture about how you're meant to be leading so you're going to say yes to things you don't have a business saying yes to you're going to say yes to people you don't have a business saying yes to you're going to say yes um you know two seasons that you don't have a business saying yes to so boundaries will help you reclaim it's one of the key tools that you would have in your life to actually reclaim moving back into life by design where all those great stuff happen and you actually don't have to take your vacation away from it and that life is not soft baby girl life in the way that the world designs it doesn't mean you're lazy lazing about and you don't have real demands on your life but they'll never stress you they will stretch you to unleash your higher potential but they'll never stress you to breaking point and the things that matter the most in your life will be preserved and you go from that place to become a great blessing to the world okay i'm just gonna run through a few thoughts um that i have on my heart for you today and let the next speakers get in and also begin to expand on some of the insights we're gonna share today before i even go on to show you five important types of boundaries that you have to set in your life as a multifaceted visionary and by the way that's not really a special anything it's not really really it's not that some people um it's not that some people have all these big opportunities in their lives to be many things and serve diverse kinds of assignments and others don't everybody gets to do everybody gets a chance to flow out in multiple ways and i i teach that in like a separate uh type of phenomenon somewhere over there but um this conversation is important for you even if you feel like ddk i'm just doing one thing in my life you're not just doing one thing in your life actually by design there are many dimensions and many parts to you and just be healed from the um philosophy that the world sells that if you're going to be really great in life you've got to be known for one thing don't fall for that because that is not how you were even designed to be but so that's just to say listen in this is going to be useful for you too because everyone has a an innate capacity and wiring to be to flow out in multiple directions if you're going to live your life by design which is sort of what we started off on where you are plugged into purpose experiencing growing spirituality producing genus great work building the important relationships in your life having great rest and peace of soul and uh you know generally just operating high level efficiency in your life the first thing you've got to know is you can't afford to leave from your fears you must leave from your future you can't afford to leave from your fears you must leave from the future if you're going to build by design you live from your future you live lifting your eyes to who you could be you live you live your life lifting your eyes to what god had in mind when he was making you and what he saw possible in your future so you are future forward that is the way to lead by design you don't leave from your fears you leave from your future so you set your gaze as well and say um why am i the way that i am made and then you sort of work backward from that image of a possible future and begin to build you today from that point let me know if you understand uh this particular dimension of what i'm sharing with you because it's so critical if you're going to live your life by design um because it's a life that is lived by design that requires boundaries let me know if you if you catch that as well it is a light that is leaked by design that requires boundaries it is when you have a design an ideal design for how your life should go that's when you begin to say this does not fit into when headed and this does not fit into that architecture i don't know if you see this and that's why i said to you that boundaries are an important tool for really living by design because until you don't have anything to create boundaries around when you're not leading by design right it's when you step into the space where you are now growing a sense of clarity about these are the things that should matter in my life that's how you cut off an edge of the excesses and the relevances and what is not good for the new season or face of life that you're in and they may be good for others do you see so it's it's that design kingdom how do i say that it's that design thinking in that sense for your life that makes you really understand the kind of boundaries that you need so there's no leading but there's no setting boundaries if you're not leaving by design and if you're going to lead by design you can't leave from your fears which is the status quo leaving for many people you can't leave from your fears you've got to leave from your future and i'm going to share with you just five pillars around living from your fears leaving from your future and then i will talk to you about pillars are the boundaries that i would love you to set i'm trusting that i've gone to do this in you know the next few minutes um and i hope that it would really help you because it's helped me it's changed my life operating this way so don't leave from your fears people leave from their fears when they are making decisions about their lives based on what they have or what they don't have you're living from your fears when you are very possession oriented so i can't access that kind of program because i don't have the money right or i'm too afraid to say no to this person because they are paying my bills i'm staying in this kind of relationship because it gives me certain type of opportunities i won't have been able to access on my own you see i'm sticking around with this mentor because they have connections this is these are the things that we do and and think about and say when we are living from our fears you are possession oriented you you're making decisions based on what you have or what you don't have i can't pursue this kind of dream i can't press into this kind of vision because i don't have or i have right we make conclusions about where we should be headed next in our lives just based on what we have or what we don't have we make decisions about who we should be with and what access they should have to us because of what they have and what they don't have so under this category you you'd find people who respect others because of money they respect others because because of connections they respect others because of their social media influence and they try to make alliances with people based on what they have that you don't have do you see this so that's a very poor way to live your life it's it's it's a poverty driven way and that's not what you were designed for you must also never leave from uh a a desperation in terms of how you are perceived some people have a perception driven approach to their lives so they're constantly afraid of what people will think and what people will say so they stick around in some relationships because they've been there for seven years they've been dating the person for seven years what would my family say what would that family say what would this person say they're unable to leave a professional association or an organizational transition in their careers because they're worried about what people will say do you understand there are wives who who are married to uh maybe uh popular people married to leaders or whatever who are unable to place boundaries in those uh marriages and say this is no longer going to work because it breaks my heart they're unable to do that because they're so worried about perception how am i going to be perceived the people who live that way and we all fall victim to this but going forward when you see the signs in your life you start to say to yourself no i'm no longer going to leave from my fears number three people live with a with an opportunity desperation this is also what happens to us when we're leaving from our fears let me tell you how opportunities and when men to come to us we uncover our purpose we uncover a vision and then we set out in the direction of that vision because we become so consumed with the desire to create that future that we've seen in our hearts we begin to take the steps that call out to the twin siblings of opportunities in the environment and i hope i can really break that down a bit more the way opportunities are designed to come to you is you go about your purpose catch a vision for the future launch out to execute that vision and the moment you get on the path of executing that vision that the opportunities that are along the lines of that vision will naturally begin to look for you so i'm going to give you an example i didn't write to braladi to invite me to this summit to speak do you understand this but because i was about my business as a thought leader a transmissional catalyst an author a coach doing the work that is required to burst the future that i've seen i looked like the kind of person she wanted to come add value to her our community and her audience i don't know if you see this and that doesn't mean that sometimes we're not going to intentionally negotiate opportunities but you can't live with an opportunity desperation always looking for what is out there for me how can i get an award how can i make you know um how can i get that platform how can i connect to that person how can i how can i how can i and people live with this desperation that makes them do what is on what is misaligned from who they truly are just because they are desperate for the next open door that's what makes uh a person for example have an affair with their boss because it's that desperation for an opportunity for a promotion and then they violate their core values and become a person they don't know because they're living their lives that way number four some people master the art of pretense and it's on the higher rise today more than ever before because of the power of social media social media provides you a vista to be a different person than you are in real life so many people are really just living on the pretense lane and they are building with such dexterity and finesse they are building an alternative um identity they're building an alternative profile about themselves that does not match is way more bloated and inaccurate than who they so so away from who they truly are till they actually get into this place where they are desperate to be perceived successful more than they actually desire to experience success in their lives right don't leave that way there are people who are doing that and it's still out of the fear because it's when whenever you look at yourself and feel like if people really knew who i was they may not receive me and they may not appreciate me they may not accept me and i may not have all these platforms opportunities that i have that fear drives them to build a bloated alternative profile of themselves that lives online that's not who they are number five don't leave from your past there are people who live from their past and that's not life by design what has happened to me before so there are people who are foiled with a desire to escape the poverty the pain and the experiences of their past that they actually miss their future selves so i'm gonna give you an example if you are so afraid that you've had um maybe relationship breakdowns in the past with certain kinds of people from certain kinds of tribes or whatever you could begin to ex communicate yourself from people who are important in your future simply because they fit the profile of those who have hurt you in the past let me know if you forget if you get me on that one you can't leave from your past you learn from your past you don't leave from your past to learn from your past is to say what roles did i play in creating or replicating a pattern of pain in my life what things do my previous experiences say about me and what lessons can i learn from that but to leave from your past is to predict that what has been before will always be and then you're excommunicating yourself running away from any trace of whoever played a role in in that pain or that past you see and that's not the way to leave do you see um so it's important to unlearn your past if you're going to activate your future how should you leave you should leave from your future you should leave from who you can be and what is possible and when you start to leave from your future you begin to close the gap between where you are today and where you can be ideally in your emerging tomorrow and the way you test that that is happening is that every single new season whether it's in a year or quarter um whatever you should see marked shifts and a radical growth you know you should see a move in your life you should look at the person you are today and see for for a fact that you are actually getting better and experiencing better and growing more and giving better in your own life compared to a previous season so you've got to live from your future what what are the pillars that you've got to reflect when living from your future you have to leave from your identity from your core the core of who you truly are you know i said to you leaving by design is work a lot of us are reading sporadically joining courses sporadically you see following influences sporadically you just pray in every way and hoping that something hits that is not how to live by design to lead by design is to hit the bull's eye of what is important in in the seasons of your life you don't have to read a hundred books to go you have to read the book in this season that closes the most pressing gap in your life i just do you catch that so what am i saying was for example leaving from your identity and leaving from your core to leave from your identity is to leave um in alignment to who you really are what works for you how you being wired and that's the whole architecture i was speaking about in the beginning this is key and you may discover that you're a 38 year old woman who's got a phd and multiple certifications yet you don't really know yourself because at the core of your personal matrix there are about 10 significant pillars and protocols that you have to master and if you don't know those things there is no way you are not going to have an identity distortion you you can't afford to just template what you see online or what your mentor is doing as great as those things are so for example a person could say i've read um a hundred books this year and it doesn't matter in the bigger picture of their lives because maybe they should have just read five books that really teach them about how to leverage your strengths if you're a naturally strong personality how to master your energy cycles so that you sleep when you are you know when you sleep and wake up you are fresh maybe they should have mastered even their body and the routines that work for what they should eat and how they should exercise do you see if they had done that they would be better off than reading 100 random books and signing up to 82 online courses and following every coach everywhere so you have to live from your identity your core that is where the power is guys if that's the only thing you've heard me say and you take away with you it's going to change your life forever it's changed mine so let me just give you another example of this one now we're in it we're in the knowledge era and that's a great thing and many people are meant to be coaches teachers authors mentors trainers disciples and that's great and i'm going to spend 2022 really helping thought leaders know how to sit into their own unique knowledge model you see so what am i saying with this a lot of people are meant to step into that space and thankfully they are stepping into it but they are still not going to produce the highest degree of transformation for others and impacting the world because even with something like coaching if it is not set into the context of your unique architecture you will fail at it so for example with coaching some people should not do one-on-one coaching some people should never do group coaching some people should never speak on huge platforms some people should only create online courses i don't know if you see this it is important this is how we live by design you have to leave from your identity who you are number two you have to leave from your wealth and many of us think about wealth as um as the economy we want to create and the income we want to generate and the revenue we want to build for a business no those are just external matrix for how you are able to put the wealth you already have to use you already have wealth you are not seeking wealth you actually already have wealth in fact all of your life what you are learning to do is to pull from the reserve of wealth you have and command it to to be a material manifestation on the earth realm and i don't even mean like releasing your faith and declaring those things are great but i'm speaking to the moment you crack your unique architecture where your greatest strengths is you will then lay a demand on the strengths you have interact with the resources of the earth and it will call for the wealth that already has your name on it and i can't even go into this right now but you've got to leave from your wealth and what that means is you have to lean into what you have when you lean into what you have you're going to get what you even think you don't have right now so you've got to always ask yourself what's in my hands this is an age-long timeless principle that god has used again and again and i hope we catch the memo you've got to live from your wealth you've got to begin to ask yourself what do i have that i can use to access what i believe i need for the next season of my life do you see this if you can speak leverage it if you are excellent at planning leverage it if you've got this brilliant intuition that helps you know stop leverage it if your strategic mind leverage it if you have relational currency leverage it if you've been privileged to have a brand that is respected and loved leave rigid because it's always about what you have to birth what you need next it's it's that inside out model you see and you've got to think you've got to recognize that wealth is in many degrees i've taught about the seven degrees of wealth um you know one of my programs again and again and it's really profound you see transactional wealth which is where the money in iran dollar is is just one level in fact a lower level of the kind of wealth that you can access in your life and when you access deeper dimensions of wealth money is always called forth so leave from your wealth that's how you live by design number three you leave from vision where are you headed and that's important you've got to leave from a sense of vision and don't think about vision like this big thing that you can't uh you know aspire to think about answering this question just in this moment if by december 2022 i would look at my life and be like i am 10 times better what things would be happening in my life as simple as that if if by december 2022 i'll look at my life and i'll be astonished that i am succeeding at a level i've never succeeded what would that look like make a note of that and then journey backwards to say what should be going on in my life over the course of the next one year that is going to make me say this you know i i wrote this out and i asked that question december 2020 as i sit here today i've i've ticked off on the things that i wrote in there that will make me say wow i've grown i love my life and i'm succeeding more and for me i feel like the moment you crack the fact that you're a co-creator with god and that he needs to he wants to dream through your mind and then walk you on the path that births that dream you you're going to gain a new sense of power in your life because you're not helpless so you have to leave from vision never ever joke with vision and let me tell you a secret that changed my life the goal of vision is not even first for you to achieve it the goal of vision is for you to have something to live for and when you have something to live for hope is in you potential is unlocked in you relationships are worth it for you and you have a new reason every day to stay on the earth and do something meaningful in the world so executing it that's great and that is likely to happen if you set your heart to it but a big deal about vision is is who it makes you become makes you into a serious destiny minded you know creative genius who has discipline and wants to do something meaningful and that's a good way to live your life number four live from possibilities what could be as against saying i can't do it because i don't have what about you say i want that phd program ugochi is on this call she lived from possibilities when she signed up for her master's program in the us didn't have the money but she didn't leave from a post a possession desperation she lived from a possibility drive and that's what made her say okay i don't have the money for this masters but i'm going to apply and when she got the the admission she then said so how we're going to do this that's that's a possibility way to leave she then said how are we going to do this thing and then ideas begin to build in our heart leave from possibilities what could be right what would happen if i built the harvard university of social innovation in africa what would happen if i created an app that connected so and so to so and so in in this kind of place what would happen if there was a network that allowed uh rural children access alternative primary education these were the kind of questions that slum to school visionary asked and that's how he's built an unprecedented model of alternative education in africa when you live from that place look the point here is not will it happen or not never ask that way leave from what could be and when you live that way my god you're going to operate in this relentless zone of joy all the faculties in your heart will break open now only you go see to go there right and you'll be screaming and laughing and wow and that's how you begin to see what others don't see and you begin to access what others don't access this is the way to live your life it's powerful leave from what could be right and then at number five live from purpose leave from purpose and in the bigger sense what i mean with this is be plugged into not what you created for yourself or what society defines a success be plugged into what god had in mind when he sent you to the earth this is the most significant way to create legacy because if you build a dream for yourself and you fabricate an ambition for yourself you have to maintain it but if you plug into a purpose that was determined before you were born and has this whole big picture of all you could spend your life doing you don't have to be super smart you just have to be plugged in and the ideas will continue to come because it's we got saying okay this season this is what is next hey go for it and you don't have to be like super snot so when people say diddy how do you do all these things how do you have all these big strategies and ideas well i'm plugged into purpose so the one who owns me and sent me and designed me for the work will continue to release the strategies i require to get it done i'm going to ask brady to put in the chats if i still have a few more minutes so i can run you through uh the five the five key boundaries i want you to begin to establish in your life i needed to lay this foundation i'm hoping uh she can give me some 10 minutes if i still have that to run you through these pillars for the boundaries you must establish in your life if you live by design and you be a true visionary who is operating from your future self i'm waiting to read from bradley on that but thank you for the comments i've i've been reading and i'm glad that we're plugged in together fantastic okay thank you brad lady for you for your uh generosity so let me tell you five boundaries of all the different kinds that you would interact with in the course of this summit that i want you to pay attention to if you're a person who has a vision who's working on something who doesn't want to be distracted who wants the birth destiny who wants to press into um mighty dimensions of the greatness that you've been born for if that's you and if you're on it then i want to challenge you that you can't joke with these five types of boundaries in your life with yourself with the people that you interact with and in the way that you organize your work and your vision and everything about you and the first boundary is the boundary of time the boundary of time you have to become brutal when it comes to time right brutal when it comes to time and the the first line you must draw is with yourself you need to radically elevate your self-respect that makes you able to say to yourself hey well done we're done with the time i intended to spend on social media today that's it because you can't step into a life of design without architecture you cannot maintain architecture without scheduling right and it takes brutality of focus and time uh you know and the leverage of time if you're really going to be able to create this pristine productivity this rare air performance that is only for visionary airlines right so the boundary of time it's critical the boundary of access it's critical you owe everybody love you don't owe everybody access and you owe everyone love because a visionary births their their dreams and their answers from the world from their heart so there's nothing anyone does to you that must make you into a person in whose heart a great vision cannot stick so keeping the right heart is your responsibility to yourself and your commitment to never lose your wonder so that you can always be a visionary who sees well because you see from your heart so it's that thing where you're constantly cleaning your spectacles so that it can see clearly so you owe everyone love a good heart that has love and kindness and compassion and respect but you don't reward people with access where oh she's so nice to me so i give her access you must set the boundaries with your access and the important thing here is you always have to ask what kind of energy am i willing to permit in my space what kind of conversations am i willing to permit in my space what kind of people and what kind of vibe and what kind of you know levels of thinking am i happy to embrace in my space what energy level matches what my future looks like do you see in fact you must not give access based on where you are you give access based on where you are headed so when you find people who are exhibiting and manifesting the kind of greatness that you desire that's what you plug yourself into if you give access at the level where you are you will perpetuate your existence existing status quo when you give access at the level you desire you will radicalize yourself into a shift it's as simple as that this thing works all the time it works like work it's really good number three the boundaries of partnership and this is important because um you may you may determine that you have found a collaborator for your vision and your work but you still want to draw the lines in terms of the access they have to your heart to your car to your family to your home to your personal space and your personal vulnerable information and that's why i'm taking the time for visionaries to separate between the boundary of access and the boundaries of partnership i've got great co-laborers of my vision and partners and uh you know brilliant strategic thinkers advisors board members funders investors you know who are not my friends and that's great do you see they're not in my inner core and i'm not going to be vulnerable with some kind of details or or or seizing i'm in and what i no no i won't but i but we still have an excellent relationship and women need to know how to navigate this we're quick to convert every kind of partnership into friendships into um you know inner inner into cozy mushy and that's how we get hurt some people were meant to come into your life build with you there's some power circles you get into and the moment you flip it into an emotional relationship everything goes out because sometimes strong visionaries cannot operate at certain dimensions of vulnerability do you see so you also have to recognize what the boundaries of partnerships are and it's also here that i say to you you you need to go legal we are now in the in the in the future of of what the world requires to birth industries and birth new economies and new world orders and what that means is when we talk about partnerships you've got to be thinking like a visionary one needs to get signed needs to get signed one needs to be spoken over at launch needs to be concluded in writing and you you need to recognize and be upfront about the kind of support you need and what you can offer in exchange etc number four we now talk about the boundaries of convictions the boundaries of convictions you you you need to also determine and be super clear in your life about what values you would never compromise in the course of creating epic work epic impact epic influence you must really set that as a visionary because visionaries are going to get breakthroughs in this decade visionaries are going to get big opportunities visionaries are going to be invited to platforms and on the outside everything can look almost the same like you're a leader this person is a leader you should work together but you may find that you are being invited to opportunities that will compromise the things that matter the most in your life do you see so you have to be clear about your convictions what you will and you will never do where you go and where you'll not go what you say and what you would not say because you want to be able to sleep at night you want to be able to turn to god and say i've done what you've asked me to do and my hands are clean right and this is really important and finally you've got to also establish the boundaries of love the boundaries of love what i mean with this is when it comes to the deepest relationships in your life i.e family you have to define what love means at that level the level of filiality right the level of romantic love the level of marriage the level of relationship with a significant other uh other and that is a it's a i believe that in the course of this uh summit it's going to be really expounded in your mind let me say this to women in particular nothing can get you off course as can also get you on course as your marriage relationship or your romantic relationship with someone you're quoting dating and someone who is significant uh to you and you're looking for to build a future with and in these relationships the lines are often blood and there are a lot of things i could be sharing with you that make the lines blow culture personality type over emotionalism on clear expectations previous relationships do you see on and on and on even biological seasons you've just had a baby or a work seasons you've just been promoted etc over here you have to use very clear communication to define what matters to you in that relationship and what love looks like why are many women upset at their husbands and many husbands upset are their wives wives love their husbands but her husbands don't feel loved or wives one of their husbands but husbands don't feel loved husbands love their wives but their wife say i don't feel loved because loving a person and that person feeling loved by you are two different things and that's where the boundary of love is important when you don't set the clear boundary of love in your relationship these boundaries where you're clear about the expectations you have and what love looks like to you um you're going to get hurt the other person is going to get hurt and that's going to distract you from being able to serve your vision okay i hope that this have been helpful for you let me add as i close out that under the boundaries of partnership that is where i'd love you to also put your relationships with your associates your employees team members contract staff vendors many particularly female visionaries are often unclear about how to draw the line between work and becoming these people's mothers and aunties and that's how we get mediocre work because when they think about you they think about oh she's my mom she will forgive me but when it's a work relationship even if i'm your mentor on the other side if you don't treat my work like work i'm gonna show that boundary draw the line and boom um i'll make you get the results i want thank you for this opportunity please those of you who are hollering in your homes with me can you go ahead and just put in the chat because we can hear virtual screens okay there's a lot of rearrangement in mind and actually whole work teams based on what you've said i don't even know where to start to recap because there's so many points here but i can see a deal with me saying so many likes and thank you pdk alaira has finished all the love um emojis on the internet taiwa rajiv rich who is in the philippines i think right now is like 2 a.m or something like that for her but she's right here and she said you spoke a now word i appreciate you giving that partnerships heart deliverance everywhere we can take one single question who will that blessed person be that is going to be that person today i know they are russian they are russian who wants to rush and put it in but um dk what what is one question that you find that people ask you a lot and when it comes to this because i know people always ask you oh why is this uh how do you do it how do you do it how do you do it please can you say what one of that is because they think in their mind somewhere that you are frazzled meanwhile we found that a life of design even when you are busy is ultimately a life of rest so can you just give one one what people ask you the most and what is one thing you ask them right now go do now okay people um people ask me a lot how do you do it right like um and people people sort of also um ask me what i think is not a question but they're just trying to pass it to me so they'll be like i hope you take time to rest you know please you know take time to rest i hope i hope you're okay because you're always busy do you see and sometimes it's it's just to be honest plain irritating you're projecting your assumption um because they don't because many times they don't understand life at a certain level and we are used to um criticizing what we're uncomfortable with at what we don't understand you you throw the shades like ah all these things going i hope you are resting and 90 of the time i'm resting more than the people who have just one paid job and go about nine to maybe seven with nothing do you see so my answer when you say how do you do all this is uh number one i'm i'm plugged into the i'm responding to the resource i've been giving you 10 you can play like you had to i remember we've got that parable of talent do you see um so i've been busy i've been i've been what's the word i've been focused on minding the business i've been given to do that it leaves a lot of time for the things that matter to me because i'm not in your business i'm not about what is stressing everybody out and i'm leaning into the resources i have so how am i going to put all what i'm saying together here is it i'm responding to the resource i've been giving if you've been giving a lot there's a demand that you oh not that's a great thing is i'm brutal that boundary of time i told you about by the way guys with each of these boundaries we could sit into it as bradley longer teachings we could sit into each and break it down five hours three hours so that boundary of time i'm brutal with my sabbath and it's nicely fixed in this has been on for years i don't touch my weekly retreats and i don't touch my time away in the hotel to just be by myself so even when i say hey i can't take that invitation sometimes it's just because that time i'm meant to be on my bed watching a movie and just hanging out and enjoying my life that's it all right all right people you know that if we asked he didn't get to continue we won't leave here today i know and i could but some of you you don't have that capacity i don't know why it can be wrong all right all right thank you so so so very much and guys if you want to learn more like life by design for example it's a complete module on um ddk's immerse coaching company watch go on just put yourself on the wait list they are open people are bothering me every day and want to get on if you're on the waitlist you can definitely get on it so please get on immerse coaching wait list i know that will go to you or someone else can put it in the chat there so that you can learn these things as a almost like your life architecture school yes life is not by accident it can't be it can't be all right thank you so much ddk for stopping by we love you i love you so much so all right wait wait wait okay have you gone ddk because i wanted you to say hello to your sis hello oh my gosh we've got here umbrella maybe we can just spend a minute to talk about how the three of us are friends and there are how many else of us four else of us right just so you know we have a whole sisterhood yeah and how it's of course i'm the youngest baby who just joined and i'm in and there's nothing they can do that's so important for to let the women in particular know that you can have these powerful relationships that are devoid of drama in your life and you should want that and and build yourself for it i j you have to speak on that first 30 seconds before we go because they know me i can talk but just so you can hear from somebody else that is really true okay okay i think you are still muted okay um can you unmute yourself if you just tap on unmute thank you so much it was an amazing session i was supposed to be using the time to get my thoughts together mention them yeah honestly i did a big shout out to the sisterhood a lot if you're a hombre brady ddk and myself of course dedicated to the newest engine but we don't even feel it so what we have is amazing it's been seven eight years of journeying together and okay because we have so much friendship it's uh when i think it's the point of drama because trust me when when we are addressing issues here you'll be like okay okay is everything okay but it's all part of certain boundaries because like if you say something i'm not happy with somebody draws the line brother they draw the line everybody knows okay we're not fighting war we're just making it clear that no this is not acceptable we're gonna have difficult conversations around it we're not just like a place of love you know we're always working on somebody's always working on something you know visionary so there's no time we're not comparing our latest handbag even though ij is our handbag connoisseur but we are not looking at handbags we are not looking at latest instagram filters we're very focused people okay we've given ij all our handbags to home yeah and women must learn this absolutely i will teach you one day we'll come out with just a friendship collaboration partnership um summit and we'll all speak on it because that is your secret people that can hear your know and go and that they respect it they honor it they give you that grace that permission ha you can't you can't do without it thank you so much gdk we love you love you okay all right so we have our next speaker right here and y'all y'all y'all if you work in any capacity this includes stay-at-home moms you want to be here you want to be here because it's about to go down in this room so cue um ij's tape and you'll be hearing from her shortly in germa has 16 years experience working across various sectors of the oil and gas industry she is currently the general manager at mass multi-concept limited a leading indigenous logistics company she's worked with various multinationals indigenous and international companies in the energy sector she's a seasoned industry speaker on national and global platforms she is the founder of purple orchid projects a free coaching institute for young female professionals geared at developing outstanding women of value who will be referral worthy in their career and entrepreneurship endeavors raising daniella in babylon she also volunteers with international ngos on projects geared towards african youth empowerment in line with feria's sustainable development goals she is a facilitator of bloom a bi-annual vision and goal-setting workshop for entrepreneurs she is also a facilitator of classroom to boardroom cr to be our employability workshop and master class for fresh graduates to prepare them for the corporate world speaking on professional boundaries for the career maven welcome ijama mwankuche excellent i'll just give you the floor right away and look forward to hearing the awesome tips and strategies you have for boundaries in the workplace thank you thank you valerie and thank you everyone can you hear me loud and clear good so hi everyone um but i thank you for convening this actually it's been an amazing session uh listening to the first speaker and then ddk of course mind-blowing absolutely mind-blowing and i'm just here i was saying to myself when valentine said oh yes i think i'm like really relatively trying to kill my speaking career before i even start who speaks after gdp like literally anyway and we're just going to get right into it so today we're going to speak about boundaries right for the career media i know a lot of us here are either working 9-5 it could be your businesses you're an entrepreneur somewhere you're doing the work of vision you're doing the work of puzzles but you're putting your hands to the floor and you're working now you know we've heard a lot about boundaries and it's been amazing all the things we've had um how to set personal boundaries the type of boundaries to have why it is important to have boundaries and i i can't even see my chat right now but i really love to um you know like i had actually listened in i was going to ask i would really love to know what your definitions of boundaries are but it's okay it's fine because i actually listened in on um when edgy row was sort of hitting off the house and it was super amazing so we're just going to get right right into it why is it important for us to talk about work right so it is important for us to talk about work and boundaries at work because let's face it most of us spend the most time of our day at work at least the most waiting hour of our day right now um and i'm going to be very mindful about time so i really love to organize keep me honest as the americans will say so we spend a lot of hours of our day at work a lot of our waking hours sometimes sometimes mine are in nigeria where i need you to be working 12 hours and bankers know what i am talking about right now it is important for you to ensure that those time spent are useful valuable lucrative as well as enjoyable because if you're not able to strike that balance really by the time that you're old and retired you have a lot of resentment in you so why is why is the workplace important god has called us to work now there are some people that are sort of unable to connect the workplace uh their functions and their assignments in the workplace to purpose to purpose of god right uh particularly a lot of christians and they just disconnect they're like oh the worst place is affecting your secular environment you know this work i'm doing and some people actually feel like they need to resign to serve the lord but i just want you to know that that is a fallacy you know in the garden of eden when god created adam and eve he gave them what to do he didn't sell them sit down look pretty and you know just be flashing around look at the high viscose look at the roses and enjoy yourself you actually told them you know you're going to take care of the plants take care of the animals name them you know study them and all of that so what is of god right now of course when when the fall happened and sin happened uh there was a curse now tied to work and it's important for me to set the foundation so that we even understand what we're talking about boundaries that work here right so when the fall happened there was a customizable um to the to the form and it was said oh you're going to chill the ground and in labor would you yield fruits for me as opposed to when they were just having to tender it so there was now a difference right so i feel like there was a shift from work where was which came from a place of laws and if you listen to one of the what ddk was saying she spoke about love being a key factor right even in uh recent um there's a reason how to to systemize excellence and to talk about love being a key factor in your ability to excel at work and i'm sure people like love but it is important because that's the only thing that keeps you going so where we had moved from work from a place of love he became worked from the place of love you know like we have to do this we don't have a choice we have to so he moves from love motivated to low motivated right and then he now became travel pain you know what the french call work they call it travail travail the root word of travail is travail so it's like toilet you're talking about session you talk about label and all of that but god has told us to work not from a place of toil because because when jesus came he came and abolished the cause of those that are in christ and so we can actually work from a place of pandering from a place of tendering the ground in quotes so that's your job from a place of ease what is important to god that's all i'm trying to say here if you go through the scriptures you see jesus speaking a lot of parables about work he talked about financial feelings the parables of those of the giftings and the talent what you're supposed to do is talk about faithful stewardship diligence completing tasks and all of that so work is important what is our ability to and i'll read it right here what is delivering with god in the work of humanity your work is a partnership between you and god so you must take it seriously you must be mindful of this and concerned about your state of mind your state of your soul in your state of your body with regards to work now i have uh not been able to get my to see the chat right because i actually wanted to ask a few questions but it's okay when i'm able to get the chat up i'm going to ask the questions so what are boundaries we've had a lot of definitions of boundaries you know what boundaries typically is like it's your responsibility to take responsibility for yourself so your ability to say i'm no longer bringing the power of of my well-being to another person and it's very important that you look at that it is you that is responsible right this is you that is responsible for yourself okay now you are not going to give someone else the ability to to make you feel a certain way or to make you feel like you are you know um dependent on their validation it is your responsibility for yourself and that is why we're thinking about boundaries here i'm going to tell a very quick story and as i say the story you're going to actually begin to some of you may see yourself in this story there was a friend i had her name is bingo right not her real name she works with a consultant system and in this firm she services external clients okay now she was so the policy of the company is you work with two clients at the time and sometimes you're giving a third client depending on capacity so bimbo was working with three clients and the clients were you know it was it was very gruesome work it took a lot of hours it took a lot of time it took a lot of intellectual work a lot of research and bimbo is a hard one that she was new at the time she jumped just about the year in the company and she just really wanted to perform she just really wanted to you know get a star plays out you know start out with the band which is a good thing so she started working with the street club clients and then as the projects were ongoing it was already casting enough for her her boss came and gave her three more clients and said oh gimbal you know we're sort of short staffed we're not able to delegate or reassign people to to uh this client so we want you to take on this project rainbow took on the projects as well right and she began to work with her six clients and she was working late hours she was you know she had no breasts she wouldn't take her lunch break she wouldn't have time for her children she had some children that were writing examinations and she was like before the job she was a very handsome mom like yeah i'm a working mum but i'm still there to help my children go through school understand what they're supposed to do and this this is what she sort of gave up because she was trying to perform at the job and so she would she'll be up till 2 a.m meanwhile girl that when you wake up in the morning you see an email from her at 3 00 am right she will get phone calls at all times of the night from her bosses from her colleagues from the clients because she also let them know that it was okay right that you need to sort of uh show that you're hard working so you need to sort of give up yourself and and and she has absolutely no boundaries as it were you know so she would have meetings in the evening even after work now what had happened was it went on for some month and she became quite stretched and streamed so she didn't know how bad he had gotten he had begun to take a toll on her mental health and you know we thank uh we thank abba for deep diving into mental health because it's such an important important important topic that we all have to deal with and there should be no stigma around it so he said taking control of her mental health he became quite irritable she became resentful and one day her boss is speaking to him saying to her look rainbow you need to do this you need to do this you didn't meet up on the last timeline and then all of a sudden she just snapped and she's like i've had enough i'm tired of this i'm tired of this i work late i don't go to bed till 3 a.m i wake up early in the morning everyone goes after the other i'm receiving phone calls go out of the night get the business and she went on and on and on and so he was shocked he kept quiet for a second he listened to her and he wasn't pathetic at the call he said i'm very sorry i didn't know that i was taking a toll on you it was not my intention she went on to tell him how he's taking a toll on her marriage you know her husband and her fighting so many things right and finally he said okay you know we're sorry we're going to do something so what about the people you said you were going to hire you know i cannot continue to work on this sixth project i have a limited team so he finally says okay we're going to do something about it give us some time we're going to speak with hr and all of that now fast forward to three weeks down the line bingo realizes that her boss has started sidelining her and she will hear of meetings that she was supposed to be the project leader the project director and her body for attending the meeting emails that she was being taken out of the long answer of the story is you know there was a bathroom where like oh she bought home under pressure she doesn't do well on the special you know and then it was like oh she did not manage the situation well she could have managed to better she could have managed her time better who feels this way sometimes who feels like i'm trying to give my all i'm trying to give my all it's never enough it's never enough and if anything sometimes you'll tell me you need to find a way and do work life balance meanwhile you feel like you're giving your best into it well finally the situation with bimbo got worse um she kept being sidelined she got a few bad afraids out thankfully she wasn't fired from the job and it took a couple of years but basically we accept herself and reinstate herself into a valuable person that she wanted to be seen by that time a lot of time had passed and she was no longer the person that she wanted to be because she had lost herself what could be more have done better there are few things that you know when you listen to this story and you feel like oh she was only trying to help there were three things i picked out of the situation i sat down and assessed her look there are three things here and i'm going to teach it to you there's a syndrome ethical syndrome okay there's the eye sabbath syndrome and there's the elsa dye syndrome and i'm going to break it down to you ethical syndrome is that you want to and those are for those of you that are not nigerians listening you want to be you know that's over serious person i want to be that over motivated person i want to be the person that they say is a star person and he may come from a place called either you know just wanting to impress and all of that that's the ethical syndrome the eye service syndrome sometimes it comes with people that are dealing with insecurities they feel like they're not good enough for their job but at the end of the day they really want to be seen as performers they want to give a false impression of who they are and they just want to carry favor with management and the fact the final one is what i call the elf dice system when you think that you are able to do everything for everybody you want to be everything to everybody person some of them will say you will not be healthy that you'll be i'll i shall die you know so these were the things that and i know if you put in the chat there for people here that have actually felt themselves in the same situation as bingo no matter how hard you try is as good as like it's never enough and at the same time you're being judged that you're either failing in certain other areas because you're spreading yourself full-time so what are the lessons that are here what are the impact of bimbo's behavior or bimbo's inability to set boundaries because clearly people had a lack of boundaries she wasn't able to say and unable to take all this at this time it is physically impossible because look they're only 24 hours in a day no matter how hard you try no matter if you how hard you say to yourself i'm going to stay awake i'm going to do this i'm going to do that literally only explore us when the 24 hours when the 24-hour mark reaches your time is off your day is off and you cannot even be awake 24 hours in a day working working working so what is that and i'm very very happy that ddk spoke about uh the boundaries of time you know because time is a boundary and it's a natural one there's nothing you can do you can't break it there are boundaries of time so you must you must what what is the right word you must find a way to ensure that you're living your best valuable life within the constraints that our human body and the time on earth provides us but there is more than enough resources that god has given us internally for you to want to kill yourself on top of a job so it is time for the life of bimbo and whoever sees herself as being able to set boundaries now when you don't have boundaries you you find out there's some views so when you tell people it's okay to overwatch me it's human behavior they will keep overworking you they will keep giving you more because you're not able to say no so you're in the workplace everything that is passing they just dump it on your table you have to get it done you will find out that there's bullying bullying if you if there's a bully in that workplace they will capitalize on it there's an undervaluation of who you are because you're not even able to perform at your highest potentials and so you become undervalued you become resentful like being bored did you find out that you're not spending enough time with your family with your children okay you're not spending enough time with the work of couples that you have to do you're not spending enough time with the other things that god has called you to be you're not you don't have enough time for recreation you don't have enough time and not enough time for rest or relaxation right and you become resentful you get burnt out exhaustion another spoke about it you know and it's mental it's exhaustion it's physical exhaustion you become it becomes a disservice to others it becomes a descendant to the world when there's no boundaries you also create an enabling environment so you have people that will abuse the access they have with you because you haven't created boundaries around your time you haven't created boundaries around your system you haven't created boundaries around who you are and so also when you have no boundaries you want to take on what everybody else is supposed to be doing you do not allow them to go you don't give them the opportunity to be who they are supposed to be it's like cycling a baby a baby like supposed to stand up and work and you say no i'm going to carry you i'm going to carry you every day and you put the baby on your back and you just want to keep backing the baby so i end up here you're taking on everything that everybody else is supposed to do and you stifle those around you meanwhile you think you're helping humanity you're actually failing with the people around you and then it creates room for conflict like in the case of bingo where canada ended up calling with her manager and you know obviously their relationship became quite severe after that they managed to work you know what it was it wasn't quite the same because let's say we're still in africa and sometimes you still have those cultural you know you know you know when there's like how does she talk to me like that even though at the time of the conversation it was like so oh we were having this it doesn't have to get to that stage that's the point i'm trying to make you have to set the boundaries on time before you find yourself in a place where you feel like you want to blow over like you want to brush people like a volcano that has been rubbling you have to set those boundaries on time so right now when we know that the potential that lack of boundaries can cost to you that is detrimental not just to you but to your family and to your relationship to to everything around you then it is important for you to begin to set those boundaries and you've done the right thing by being here actually being at the boundaries comment and i'm just excited as to the things that we're going to hear here from i mean we've heard amazing umbrella day from uh ddk from abba and many other people lined up you know who chase hundreds so many john obedies and i i'm just saying to you please make sure that all through the summit you have your pen and papers but you're also listening not just with your ears but with your heart to receive what god is saying to you in this season about boundaries okay now i'm going to share with you what i call solutions like a call to action now there's been excited that there's a problem and you see there are different kinds of scenarios in the workplace scenarios where boundaries are encroached it could be boundaries with people and a bit about that as well it could be boundaries with time it could be bounded with work overload right but what i want to say to you is that you can fix it so i'm going to go very quickly right now to solutions what i call a call to action right so first of all you need to take responsibility for yourself you need to understand that nobody else has the power to to uh make everything all right with you it's in your place to say this to define the rules of engagement concerning your life you cannot give that power to another person okay that's first of all then you have to have a reevaluation of who you are you need to understand that you're a person that has been created with the highest value of heaven and god has created you to be a valued here on earth it is in that realization that you are able to eradicate every form of insecurity concerning yourself because it is that lack of security that sometimes allows you to be an open boundary boundary-less you know accept your access uh what's the word without without boundaries and has it actually everybody has access to you because if you are a valuable team if you've ever gone to a museum and you see the price uh artifact in that museum you will see that there's their glass walls their security and all of that there's a boundary around it because it's seen of value also i just want to mention here when we hear boundaries boundaries but this is not about oh i just nobody should talk to me no some of it actually allows you to work in freedom it allows you to people around you to understand who you are engage with you in the way that you deserve and another way you become the better version of yourself to those people right so i'm going to go through it very quickly have a personal re-evaluation of yourself know that you are created for value so that you eliminate all the insecurities around you that causes you not to have boundaries has a mindset shift so you take responsibility for yourself right you deal with feelings of transparency there are some people that have had issues with authorities in the past or their siblings and they sort of bring it into the workplace right when they bring it into the workplace they are not able to know that a sinful logical objective conversation is just constructive feedback and you begin to take a test now manage your expectations at work your workplace is your workplace it's not your family it's not your church if you're looking for emotional enrichment spiritual enrichment okay make sure that you get that from the communities around you okay but at the end of the day when people have a sense of entitlement to their workplace their organization to their bosses they become disappointed all of these things are the things that sort of put you in a place where you're unable to set around the right boundaries for yourself and i'm wrapping up now okay i know that my time is almost off actually i say five minutes but i set the time man i think it's about ten minutes but okay brother they want me not to do this i'm going to continue i'm going to wrap up very quickly so draw a line in the sand what do i mean by draw the line in the sun like sun set your limit and make it very clear but communicate clearly okay communicate clearly to people and tell them i do not like when things are done this way okay i'm going to touch on the point very quickly because i know that my time is off someone will say to me it's easier said than done right how are you able to address with your voice in nigeria you want them to suck me ah this is the worst place there are ways around it you engage certain tools emotional intelligence communication skills empathy you go to your boss you don't talk to him rudy if he has given you work overload go and sit with him write out the list and saying like for example bingo could have taken the sixth project um okay there are six projects here i know that i'm not able to work on all of them at the same time and deliver the value that this project requires because these projects are very important you talk to your stakeholders and your clients from a place of empathy knowing that this thing is important to you but for me to help you you need to help me can we set the priorities can you tell me which one is priorities you want something like that all of them my parents said okay give me priorities zero priority one priority two and that's where you're able to you know sit down and reevaluate the priorities that have been given to you so that you can please focus on the ones that are the most important and most critical okay so i'm gonna wrap up now i just give me literally two minutes so i can communicate clearly use emotional intelligence be polite don't be rude okay ask for the priorities to be re-evaluated if they've not been set in the first place ask for the priorities to be set okay and then set the round back write down it for yourself there are certain phone calls that you don't necessarily need to pick i'm telling you if you're not an impressions person if you're not working on a reader works 24 hours a day if you know that your time is not your contract your time is not required every single the time of the day because i know that there are some contracts like that please if you get a phone call around 10 pm when you know that it's going to be maybe an administrative thing you can skillfully and wisely miss that phone call first thing in the morning you call send a message and say and mr call i'm so sorry you know i was not available at the time i'm ready to work on this okay so for me i've also mentioned the tools that you will use uh employ emotional intelligence now i know that we don't have enough time to go through everything but i just want to say to you right priorities are the two things that you need to help you set the right boundaries when you're able to set the right the right priorities in your life and this is from a place of knowing who you are understanding your identity understanding your core values you'll be able to set the right priorities and when you set those right priorities in place you'll be able to create all the boundaries that you need around it please deploy the boundary systems that jdk has spoken about please deploy the boundary strategies that abba have spoken about and then for me i've just given it to you in the context of the workplace and i hope you found it helpful thank you very much everyone i can't even i can't like who has been working all these years and you haven't heard this message like what kind of work have you been working oh my goodness oh my gosh please give my standing ovation wherever you are don't worry the angels are seeing you god will show your picture to ig this night in our dream but i just so many points so many salient points you race there um in the interest again of time because we know that if she truly entered each of these topics each of these strategies she has a story for everyone and i do that's why your experience has been so great to draw on so let me ask you one question that because so graciously was able to ask and we'll take just this one what do i do when i'm the team lead that will be audited and the key team member keeps getting sick is the sickening better scooter in in better moments it's not but what you are saying is we should make sure that the person is actually sick right i i think we need to establish your picture is frozen i don't know if um yes but we can hear you very well okay uh do you want me to try and switch the internet sometimes oh no it's fine no don't switch it so go ahead and say yes uh for me i think the person is established if the person genuinely has a health consent because we need to be people that ask and show empathy if the person is genuinely sickly then it's advisable to get that proper treatment for the person and in the interim absolutely you can have a replacement but if the person is playing plans that you want to address that if you're the team lead you have the responsive it takes so you have a conversation with the person if the conversation doesn't work you could query the person that's if you have established that it's not a real sickness if you're very personal it doesn't work you escalate it to hr there are always ways around it they are systems and organizations that you can move to life but make sure that you don't suffer from someone's inability to do whatever exactly exactly you see these are these are things sometimes we like to complain about our boundaries but like we don't follow the structured this thing um you you have someone like nick and coyle there she's um an hr expert yeah follow what follow the tools that itara has given you even if me myself or you yourself you're sick you want your leader to be able to follow that you escalate if it needs to go to hr if you need to get a doctor's report yeah whatever the team needs to make progress you keep doing it it might end up in the person getting fired because they were they don't have integrity and they weren't telling the truth or it might end up in the company giving that employee especially if they have been fabulous the resources they need to take care of themselves so that when they get better they can come and give the company 30 more years of excellence so thank you absolutely it's in their interest and in the in your interest and in the interest of the organization to get the person checked properly and nike said as a hr professional shout out to you uh use your hm hmo get your hmo involved to do a proper health assessment of the person yeah awesome so our next speaker here is a durian as as usual i just love to have the speakers transition with each other a daring ring tell me how your your session will dovetail with some of what i j has shared because i i saw you listening intently yeah i i killed the tail end of um and i'm so excited that she talked about um the corporate aspects that is something that i can say i do not have any experience in i can't lose because i mean i would have sucked when it comes to drawing boundaries because i used to be a classic people pleaser so i'm the kind of person i want to do everything at my own experience i'm dealing with my own health issues to you should have been ridiculous and that was one of the reasons why i decided to just stick to entrepreneurship full time because i knew the kind of person that i was so i had to find this information that worked best from where i could basically create and control my boundaries that could actually be the boss to set the precedence for what i wanted so i'll be i'll be you know continuing you'll be talking about that you see the key mistake people make is that they think that they don't have the discipline to be um or they don't like the boundaries in the workplace so they're just gonna go do their own thing guess what if you don't have boundaries in the workplace you can't have it with yourself um when you're the you are the one answering to yourself so thank you so much i j give i j thank you some big hands look at all your fans in here i know korea said so many fine dates this thing is getting oppressive next time i'm going to make sure i invite people that are not as you know that can make me look better okay all right thank you thank you so much phenomenal phenomenal all right the door is right here and we will cue your introduction super excited to have you in here thank you all right welcome a dairy edward is a multiple amazon best-selling author an award-winning entrepreneur international speaker coach principal consultant and founder at hidalgo solutions with footprints across africa and the uae she is a former start leader on mindset and business strategy for entrepreneurs and online publishing for personal and business brands she is the founder of the online publishers and entrepreneurs network open a community of over 33 000 authors writers and entrepreneurs helping them become published as well as profiting from their skills using new media till date she has helped over a thousand five hundred authors get published online and in print with more than two hundred amazon best sellers emerging ederia dewoe has won many awards including the skill of africa hero award 2019 ladies of honor award for leadership 2019 an iconic brand award for young personality of the year 2019 in 2019 she was nominated for the future award prize for new media she is also listed as one of nigeria's top 100 influential young nigerians by advanced media and why niger's most powerful persons in media under 40. speaking on boundaries for creators and entrepreneurs welcome a deering a dewalt all right all right awesome thank you so much for that we have an awesome behind-the-scenes expert do you guys see her her name is ajiro you saw at the start the fire the energy come on come on all right um the floor is yours now it dairy and i know that you have done such a successful job of this because you have a group first of all that has over 30 000 people you show up to them you deliver value i don't know how you do it multiple best-selling author you are self-led you are self-directed nobody's waiting for you i like it during i must have this no no in quote you know external influence like how are you able to do these things i'm looking forward to hearing it in your session the floor is yours take it away thank you so much for having me hello everyone and good evening or good morning or good afternoon wherever watching from my name is there as was introduced just now and i'm a multiple amazon person also i'm the founder of one of the largest public and publishing and entrepreneurial communities in africa and even spreading to the rest of the world as well um i would allow me to brag a little bit i know they've said a lot about my my bio but i want to add something very important and i want to use this to stand on what i'm going to talk about today in 2000 i think it was 2019 also a friend sent me a screen grab he was reading a book where um this particular author who's a wall street journal best in author that particular book was a wall street journal best-selling book so not just an amazon bestseller that was also illustration our best seller in the us and uh he looks titled how to start a business without any capital or something like that and in the book he he was talking about you know um both uh um entrepreneurs startup founders joining online communities especially communities on facebook so he went on to list his top 100 facebook communities for entrepreneurs and my group then we're just 14 000 members so this is not even like it just happened now we're only 14 000 members and my own group was listed as one of the top 100 facebook communities for entrepreneurs first of all this is an american in america writing about facebook communities and an african in africa in nigeria has the ability to have reached and impacted these people in this first world country the point that we actually got that recognition my name was listed along with my community the name of my community and thanks to that book a lot of people from first world countries and people who had bought the book eventually started joining my community that was when i began to realize that hey during people are watching people are saying things people are people have probably expected certain things from you that you have delivered they've expected certain things from a whole lot of people and again you're one of those people who have who has delivered on the things that were expected and that's why you're here now before i talk about setting boundaries it's important for you as a creator as an entrepreneur to understand why you need to set boundaries all right um don't look at this at oh you're bragging or you're trying to be like you know this fly celebrity that nobody wants to touch and everything you wonder why celebrities walk around with certain kinds of facial expressions because they don't want people in their personalities that's that form of setting boundaries because if you left people to their own devices you probably mob these celebrities and not give them breaking space even though guys need to set their own boundaries so that people don't mob them and they need to do that because of who they are and not just because of who they are because of where they are going to because of what they want to accomplish you cannot find a celebrity for example doing certain things that they used to do before things that they used to do before they were all known right so you wonder why is it that celebrities don't fly okada even when they are broke why is it that you know celebrities usually decide to fly business class or first class why it's not necessarily because they have so much money it's because of who they are and they know that certain places that they would find themselves in that it may not necessarily be good for them for their personal space for their boundaries and they may find themselves getting mobbed and you don't know people you don't know how many of them put on a mask when they have to face the camera like me and then i take off that mask when they are not performing whether they are singing or they are acting and many of these people deal with their own issues mental health issues anxiety so many celebrities deal with anxiety that's why you see so many of them today you're as wealthy as they are as funny as they're as talented as they are they go on and commit suicide and you're wondering why i just waiting to have everything no they didn't they were struggling with setting health conditions and certain things and said things that are going on in people's lives would demand them having to set boundaries and stick it no matter what if you like say on this particular celebrity is very snobbish authentically celebrity is very this i stopped talking like that about such celebrities when i eventually find myself found myself becoming one i realized that i needed to set boundaries in my personal life in my personal space and in my business because crystal said something yesterday i was listening to umbrellas and instagram like this that she said that stuck with me and i wrote him down and it's absolutely true and she said that the people who get angry the most about you having boundaries are those who stand to benefit from you not having those boundaries i paraphrase i will say it again people who get upset people who get angry when you set your boundaries are those who actually benefit from you not having boundaries as a business owner people who continue to send you messages at 3am in the night and if you continue to respond at 3am in the night they will demand that from you so it is your job as a creator as an entrepreneur as a leader as a person who's building influence to teach people how they should react with you it is your job to train your audience on how they need to relate with you so that both of you can enjoy the best of the best when i didn't have boundaries in my business when i was such a people pleaser i suffered i was building a place and i was hating the job that i was doing because it felt like he was going to kill me now somebody who has survived survives depression or somebody who has survived mental health challenges somebody who is going through physical health challenges as somebody who has survived basically trying to take my life twice i understand the importance of having personal space and being able to detox from people as is as an extreme introvert as well to be able to have time to have time for myself so that i can recharge and then come back again to be able to give all right so it is um boundaries are not just for people who are introverts introverts are people who need personal space to be able to recharge the people who are able to recharge on their own that's how they are able to build that energy before they come out and give okay so being an introvert has nothing to do with you needing personalities even extroverts themselves they also need their own boundaries boundaries in business all right so it is your job as a creator as an entrepreneur to be able to teach your audience to be able to take like you build influence right how they should relate with you you need to teach people how they should deal with you if you don't teach people they will set their own values and some will not even have values anyway some will not even have boundaries anyway if you don't set boundaries nobody will decide to wake up one day and be like oh she's you know she's uh she's busy she's here she has this community of 33 000 people let me know bother her which is something i actually do because i have so many friends i mentors like you call me you don't do this i'm like no i'm giving you your personal space because i have this thing where i i have a mantra where i treat people as i want to be treated so if i don't i don't like people bothering me and you know stressing my life calling me i took 2am in the night i would not do it all right however there are people who will not treat you like that simply because you have not drawn a line in the sand for them to actually know it ends all right so you cannot afford to not have boundaries in your life and business if you're going to grow if you're going to lead a community of 3 000 people you can't afford to not have boundaries if you are going to lead a community of millions of people and have global influence you cannot afford to not have work-life balance we live in a day and age now where we work from home and people are now saying now a blur between the lines between you know um work and life there's no such thing as work-life balance now it's not work-life integration uh pat on my french but i call bs on that all right you cannot afford to not have a balance between your work and your life and it's something that i've lent myself in in business i worked for years without taking a break i worked for years without having vacations i worked for years 24 7 basically and it nearly took my life and i would not advise anybody to do so all right so because i work from home i can basically wake up at friday and in the night and start answering to dms that's what i used to do i wake up at in the night and start replying to comments sometimes i can't sleep at night i wake up at 2 a.m and i'm having communication to people i'm posting on my facebook group and there are people who are replying because those guys too they are insomniacs like me all right so because i work from home i can walk immediately i'm done with church on my way home i am on my phone i am posting i am talking i am replying to dm's and replying to uh customer inquiries and so on and so on until i realized that i needed to stop for my own health i needed to stop so for my own sanity i needed to stop to be able to grow grow more but i couldn't stop because i got to a point where i was stuck with people who started getting offended by the fact that i needed to take personal breaks the way i i began we got to have clients customers um audience members who became upset when i wouldn't reply their messages in in one hour when i don't return their calls in three hours or so on and so forth i said let's get people who were offended and i realized that it was not their fault it was mine because i had refused to sell bounties if you're just starting if you come to the realization that you want to be something other than just making money paying your own views and just living a comfortable life if you are the kind of person who has come to the realization that you want to be able to create something that would outlive you something that will help you to leave a lasting legacy something that will help you to be influenced not just in your country but around the world as well if you've come to realization start creating your boundaries now you cannot afford to have work-life integration if you want to survive in this day and age you have to have balance and for you to have balance you have to have boundaries you need to be able to first of all differentiate between your personal life and your business life even though you're working from home you need to start working as if you're even in an office so what i said in the beginning when i was i'm talking with brother and i j where i said i ran away from paid employment because i really couldn't deal with you know somebody overstepping my own body i had to learn the hard way that hey even though i'm working from home right now as my own boss i needed to be able to be both the boss and the staff and set my own boundaries for myself i had to learn that even in business you have to create a routine so i'm going to share with you nine ways for you to set boundaries like i said before for balance to happen in your life boundaries have to be set for you to be able to grow to that point where you have global images you cannot afford to not have boundaries you cannot afford to and i will say this to especially to people like who are my audience you cannot afford to be answering to everybody every time you cannot afford to be on all social media platforms at all times you need to set your own boundaries you cannot afford to be online browsing through the internet at all times every single time even when you are when you decide to be online you cannot afford to do any business at a particular time you have to learn to set boundaries between your personal life and your business life as a creator so the first thing i will share with you on how that i have very short amount of time i don't even know when i started the first thing i want to share with you in setting boundaries is get your mindset right i said in the beginning and there was a reason why i was rambling and all the ramblings you know you sounded very very disjointed and i'm going to pull out all of them back together right mindset is important you need to understand who you are you need to give yourself credit for what you've achieved and where you're going to ddk talked about having a vision for your life you cannot have a vision and fulfill vision if you do not have personal boundaries for yourself and business boundaries as well you don't understand the power that you carry if you do not understand your purpose in life if you do not understand your vision for your life and what it will take for you to accomplish those things you will not be able to set boundaries if you begin to understand that hey i am building my influence i am building my brand i am building my business to be able to have massive global reach to be able to have massive impact you need to give yourself their colleagues you need to understand that somebody who is going to probably run a business like jeff bezos or elon musk in the future or be as influential as um oprah winfrey or michelle obama has to have certain boundaries and guess what they did not come out first of all having their own network having their massive network they started small but it was the boundaries that they began to put in their life early on that helps them to scale you cannot get to the level that you want to get to if you do not start right now to begin to put boundaries you must you must realize that you are a celebrity in and of yourself whether you have 100 people following you or 100 people who are watching your whatsapp stories every day or 50 people who are clicking like on your facebook and instagram ui celebrity you mean something to those people those people are confused likes and engaging with your content because they find value in it and you need to understand that for you to be able to multiply that value times a hundred times a thousand times a hundred thousand times a million people you need to begin to set boundaries and if you don't get if you don't get into the right mindset to understand that there is something that you carry that is probably not as big as you think it is right now but it's going to explode one day you need to set boundaries you need to own your achievements and own your vision and understand exactly who you are the assignment on this god did not put you on this earth to be ordinary you are carrying a divine assignment and for you to be able to accomplish that divine assignment you need to put yourself your business your personal life on that discipline you need to be able to set certain boundaries for yourself okay so mindset is the friend you need to work on your mindset to be able to own your vision to be able to own where you are right now and work towards where you want to be okay you must be your number one priority which is number two number two you must prioritize yourself you cannot and i will say this in front of anybody else you cannot prioritize your audience before yourself you cannot prioritize your clients before yourself do you know what you what happens to you when you begin to prioritize others before yourself you are your greatest asset the most important asset in your business as a creator as an entrepreneur is you this this thing between your head is your most important asset and it is connected to the rest of your body and if you do not prioritize it you will lose it but you do not take lightly what you do not take as an important thing you will lose it all right why is it that we lose change why is it that we lose things that we think are not important but when we place things at our values when we place value on certain things we keep them well if you have dollars for example in your hand you have a thousand dollars in your hand you're not going to keep treat it and keep it the way you keep your 1000 naira these are not the same all right there are different values so you need to prioritize yourself and understand that you are your greatest asset and if anything should happen to you today your clients will find somebody else to feel feel the need that you're feeling before your customers will find somebody else your audience will find somebody else god forbid anything happens to you today and a leader of a massive community of a hundred thousand people your page will be gone people will not interact with your people will go and look for somebody else who's like you who's alive who has decided to prioritize themselves and they will follow those people and you'll be gone so you must prioritize yourself right prioritize self-care now i talk about self-care a lot because it's the number one thing that i struggle with in my business i'm still a i am a recovery no self-care addict all right and self-care goes beyond just going to the beach to relax or taking a vacation or you know making ice cream on one day and going to the movies self care simply means waking up in the morning at 5 00 am and refusing to touch your phone until 8 a.m that is self-care self-care means setting your office hours at nine to five and refusing to take any customer calls inquiries after 5 pm that is self-care self-care is refusing to answer dms for people who are making enquiries in your dm's in the middle of the night even though they're currently live on facebook even though you are inside facebook and you're scrolling through and you're watching a video or you have you know engaging other people's communities are doing what not but you decide that that time is your time self-care is you having me time during the day to be able to distress to be able to refocus to be able to recenter yourself to be able to take some time to meditate to be able to take some time to sit and just be by yourself to hear yourself think self-care is the ability to hire an assistant and that's my sister that's actually pain them right now hi high pressure precious has been amazing for the past one year she was the best thing that happened to my life and my business in the past one year that is self-care i realized that when i literally passed out in the in the middle of ebano i realized that i couldn't do stuff by myself self-care meant me having to go and hire an assistant to help to take care of setting up new tasks for me so that i could have some time to breathe that is self-care self-care doesn't necessarily mean you have to spend money okay can basically mean you deciding that one hour out of every day i'm going to take time to pray and journal and write in my gratitude journal self-care can basically decide to read your bible or your quran or read a nice book self-care can mean you deciding that it is not only business book i'll be reading simply because i'm doing business self-care means going to the bookshop and buying a nice romance novel or a trilla novel or a drama novel or whatever it is and reading something outside of your work and your business self-care is you turning on youtube and watching those so you think you can dance and britain's got talent america's got talent funny videos those ones where they you know they feel they do all they feel so i prefer watching those ones and people that actually know how to do what they are doing you know so i can laugh self-care is finding something that makes you laugh for five minutes a day all right so self-care doesn't necessarily have to be you spending money or traveling on vacation with some expensive results self-care basically means you prioritizing yourself and your time being able to prioritize your time for yourself all right so that's number two self-care also means you making sure that you care for your health you care for your health for the longest time i did not care for my health until i had a major debilitating illness i was forced to care for my health i had to be forced to do it every single year i had to be forced to watch what i ate i had to be forced to stop drinking coke i used to be a coke addict i had to be forced to stop drinking coke because it was hurting my bones it was making me have massive inflammations all right i have to be forced to watch where i ate self-care is you taking yourself to the gym or at least going out to drug every single morning if you can't afford to prioritizing your health is a form of self-care number three how you set boundaries for yourself in business is have a routine for your day i ran away from corporate life because i did not want to have a team until i realized that routine is what makes an entrepreneur successful you cannot afford to have a business that is running on assumptions that is running on inshallah if i if i can use that you cannot afford to have a business when you wake up and you have no idea what you're going to be doing in your business for the day you cannot afford to have that setting boundaries doesn't just mean setting boundaries for other people it also means setting boundaries for yourself between your work and your personal life having a routine is also a form of boundary for yourself so that you know exactly what you need to do every day and you stick to that routine all right you must stick to that routine for me example i don't touch my phone till 8 a.m in the morning my work hours start at nine and there are certain times where i would and that's a new routine if i may be in a new location or i'm finding myself a new kind of project for example so for example i'm currently in nigeria and i'm here and i'm doing assistance only work for my sister who just gave and my work now starts at 11 a.m instead of 9 a.m so things have changed when i moved to the uae last year i realized that you know because we are three hours ahead my work hour had to start a bit earlier so that i could do certain things before my audience wake up because majority of my audience were in nigeria so i realized that oh instead of me doing these activities in the afternoon i would do them in the morning instead so i had to create a new thing that suited the new lifestyle that i began to have over there okay so you have to create very very strict routines for yourself i hate everything and i still don't like it i still don't like routine but i have to do it i have to force myself i have to discipline myself because i know that it's a form of boundary i have set for myself so i have what to do every day so when i wake up in the morning i'm not confused what am i supposed to do this morning should i write a post should i write post should i go live should i know like should i do count should i create graphic on canva today or like what should i do should i launch something today should i sell something today should i send an email today should i post to my telegram channel today you don't do that what do you do that you're stressing yourself out and you're going to burn out very easily but when you have routines and you have activities that you need to do your income producing activities and your non-income producing activities your audience engagement activities your audience growth activities your creator activities where you're creating content and you're creating graphics so you're creating products and offers you need to have routines set for those things so that you have work to do that you can actually focus on for the day okay so that's number number three set a routine for yourself commit and stick to it have work hours commit and stick to it as well i have a nine to five even though my nine to five i'm the one i employed myself and i'm basically the one that runs the business and i have a staff so we have 95 all right i have a nine to five i have a nine to five in the sense of the world the only time that i would probably do stop outside is if i already scheduled post to go out late in the night because that's when maybe my community is mostly engaged or i have an event like this where i have to do a speaking engagement or i have a live event or i have something i do in the morning i have a show in the morning that i do in my community so on saturdays for example i wake up when i was doing it really nearly i wasn't satisfied until i gave myself structure i gave myself a time and a specific date to it and having a structure and that helps you to be able to plan ahead number four have days off and plan your month ahead have days of business people business owners it's important that you do not work seven days a week it sounds counterintuitive but really it's important there are certain activities and certain tasks you can do on your off days so for example if you run a facebook community or you run you have an instagram post you can schedule your post inside a canva to go up or to go live or be published on particular days but you're not going to be available it gives you that sense of omni or only only potential that it gives you that sense that you are constantly online so you having days off doesn't mean that you have to neglect your clients because some people like what but what if i don't show up they say we should be consistent i show up all the time you can't do that without you are you having to be there you can actually show up without you having to be there when i was coming from the uae to nigeria i traveled for four days in fact five days because i had to spend extra days in in a particular place i traveled i thought i went through i think four flights or so and three different countries to get to where i was i knew it was going to be very hectic and i was going to be in the air for a very long time because of all the um all the different journeys i had i had to route my my flight somehow because of uae restrictions in coming to nigeria but i had to route this and so it took me a longer time to get here when i should have taken just one flight but i already told my assistant ahead of time here i'm going to be traveling this is when i will get to nigeria this is where now we finally settle however i am going to continue to maintain only presence i scheduled my posts on my facebook community to go live at a particular time so people did not know when i traveled so i was continuing to you know schedule my post so that it seemed like i was still showing up when i wasn't so having a routine helps you to be able to know where you can schedule things to go up automatically and i'm going to talk about the summation later all right so have a routine plan your month ahead not just your week plan your month ahead when it comes to setting boundaries you also need to understand that in your marketing you need to set boundaries for it i'm talking to business owners now especially creators who create courses programs you sell books and so on and so forth and you need to make money every single month you can actually plan and predict how much you're going to end every month and work towards it but if you don't plan for those things you find yourself being absolutely anxious for nothing because you have no plans and when things don't work out a particular way you haven't planned for your plan b or your plan c and so you're stuck and your answer you're finding yourself not meeting your own personal targets as well okay so it's important that you have days off and continue to still maintain omnipresence and still plan your month ahead then number five and i've already talked about this already set automated messages to respond to customers when you are away if your business is on whatsapp you can download whatsapp for business use whatsapp for business and be able to set that okay these are my business times these are my opening hours once it's 7 pm i'm no longer responding to uh requests for inquiries or or all those kind of things again so i have scheduled message that comes up when somebody sends me a whatsapp message maybe they found me on my facebook group or my on my instagram or maybe they saw something on my whatsapp status and they decided to co and contact me there's a specific automated message that says hi thank you so much for watching us this is not our work hours have closed our work hours and that's just this one so time but please leave your inquiries we will be happy to respond to you first in the morning at so and so time just leave a nice courteous automated message you can't even do the same thing on instagram now there is a um these um chat bots like many chats and chat role that you can go and learn how to use them and you can use those automate messages in your dms so even when somebody sends you a dm and they want to buy stuff you can easily automate your message and your response to them when you are out of your phone even when you are online and it's your day off you must commit to your boundaries you will not lose money don't worry have simply have your office arrested in your bio and everybody knows that okay her office hours sitting in a bio so maybe i would do is maybe message them tomorrow or just leave the message and expect a reply by tomorrow again the people who will be offended by you having boundaries are those who have the most to gain however when you train your customers and your audience to respect your boundaries they will i'm telling you this because i have done it i once had a business where i was not having any boundaries and nobody respected giving gave me any boundaries but when i set my boundaries people eventually learned i struggled with it and i had a lot of pushback and a lot of resentment but in the end people had to learn because i'm a person of value that's why i said number one mindset understand who you are and the power that you carry understand that no matter what what is meant for you will come to you and eventually people will come around as well okay so number six don't be afraid to be vulnerable and honest with your clients and audience let them know if you are a nursing mother hey i may not see mother i have a baby i cannot show up 24 7. so these are my office hours i will be able to only be able to respond to you within this period of time anybody who's upset at that something is wrong with them because human beings are naturally compassionate and empathetic too and you know um they show empathy towards people especially when they are completely honest okay as long as you're a person of integrity and you show up and you tell them hey guys look i'm excited to work on this my business it's something i'm really excited about and i love helping you however to be able to help i also need to be able to take care of myself and to take care of myself i need to take certain time off to care for myself for example with my own audience they know and every every time when people come into my audience i always share my story guys in 2016 i was diagnosed early on centromered and tried this it is not curable it's something i have to live with for the rest of my life and for me to be able to show up like this excited and bubbly and looking all healthy and giving you value it means that i have to take some time to also care for myself and there will be some days when i'm not able to show up the way that i want to and in those days i will stay back and i will care for myself and when i am back my healthy self again i will come back and i will give you value and i continue to share and i'm completely vulnerable and completely honest with my community about whenever i'm going through a rock patch in my health and they understand if i have to cancel or move a paid class that they have paid for i will send a message to every single one of them every single time that i will have to move something i usually give them something that's a compensation right so it's not just that you don't say i bet i'm not sure enough they said that we should do boundaries i'm not showing up again and you now use boundaries as an excuse for lazy you don't do that all right but when you show a bi person of integrity when you're vulnerable and saying hey guys i have to take some time off people will be very compassionate i'm really excited for you i have community members who will send me prayers from time to time on the period of time when i'm awake they will send me prayers some will just send me messages hey you don't have to respond i just wanted to check on you and to let you know that i'm thinking of you and that's what happens when you set boundaries and you're completely honest and completely vulnerable and transparent with your people don't just disappear from them like that let them know what's happening as well okay so don't be afraid to be honest don't be afraid to be transparent you don't have to share your entire life history for example before i came came back to nigeria i was in the hospital for five days i was going doing all kinds of tests i was literally going to the hospital for five days i was violently ill in the uae thanks to better healthcare and god knows what would have happened but i didn't have to announce it that you know to everybody that hey guys i'm very secret in fact i'm going to the hospital to the fats tomorrow and say ultrasound next tomorrow is this in fact this is no i just told him hey guys i mean a place right now where i'm dealing with some major health issues and i will not be able to show up and they understand right so don't be afraid to be vulnerable and be honest with your clients if you have clients and maybe for some reason you have to take some time off of is it my time yeah i know you've been in your element so even like i pmd i know it's high but yeah you could take 30 seconds to wrap up but i cheated you so i own i own it it's not it's not you it's me but carry on please all right thank you see what if i can you guys i can take one question so you better put it in so that you can be that one blessed person all right edric i said durian you can wrap up i've given so many points huh love it i'll just list the other ones so one of the other points i had was all respect other people's boundaries all right so for example i've been told that it's almost time for me i cannot say oh please pause the time or just continue talking as if unfortunately i did not know when i started actually i said my timer but respect other people's boundaries as well because what you want to have you also need to be able to give as well okay so do not do unto others what you wouldn't want them to to do to you as well and then set boundaries in the home for work if you're a parent and you have to work from home learn to teach your children as well how to respect your boundaries teach them to set their own boundaries teach them to respect their boundaries teach them to respect your boundaries as well and then finally as a business person setting boundaries also means automating your business if you are scared that you're going to lose money learn to automate your business there's so many online tools you cannot afford to say i'm not taking in this day and age it is not possible everybody has to learn technology technology is a huge productivity tool when it comes to setting boundaries you can automate your business such that you don't really have to show up every single time every day to even make money you can have a place where you keep your products and have a link to that place in your instagram bio or wherever so that people come to your page they can actually be redirected there now having good business practices is also a form of same boundaries as well all right so for example you make a whole post no call for people to take action to do something and then they not have to start dming you when i want to make inquiries what's happening that you've now stretched yourself into 20 different places when you should have been able to just put with one single contact okay guys are you interested in learning about these things click the link in my bio to watch a video or to get a course or to get a book or to get this so these are the points that um i will leave you with i hope i'm able to convince you that even like an entrepreneur working from home you can also still send boundaries for yourself thank you please can you can you give her a big hand like watch your hands everywhere please oh my goodness so many so many steps where do i ever start where do i ever start but one of the things i love is that you said that it this is not an excuse for laziness this is not a i'm tired i take the whole month off in fact i take my life off because some people have said i can't i can't in life all right i didn't see any um questions in the chat you guys are just so busy taking notes yes if there is a born teacher don't be deceived don't think that oh because somebody um talks quietly or talks in a more composed manner they can't talk no they can't talk you just open your ears you hear wisdom everywhere i see all the um hearts i see all the booms and i see all the hand collapse thank you so much eh during um if there's one question you get asked a lot about people who their businesses start um booming especially their and entrepreneurship businesses right they're now self-employed they are not hitting it big what is that one question that you hear a lot and what is that one quick advice you would give them in one minute because we have our next guest on you guys know yeah people i think there's a lot of questions people ask um people are like i think like what inspires you and what keeps you motivated and and so on and so forth but um people usually ask yourself how do you deal with uh people who are constantly coming in your dms is that asking you for free stuff because it looks like you've made it or start asking the client for free what it is that got you to where you are that's another lesson in boundaries as well you know sometimes when you you get your particular point you're excited you just want to share and you just want to give know that even when you're sharing stuff that has a paid money paid amount of money attached to it you're still giving amazing value all right so what happens when people come come to your dm's are asking a question can you help me how can i write a book like you were doing how can i become a global influence like you already and usually usually you already have an offer for them a product for them and that's another form of me using those inquiries to be able to teach people how they can also be able to earn because when you continue to give freebies those people to will not learn how they can actually how they can actually charge other people for their stock so if you give them for free all the time when it's time for them to eventually get value from the things that they have learned from you they will not know how to ask for this so the one thing i usually tell people is when people come to my idea and i teach them how to sell that's it that's it you heard it right here thank you so much i'll bring john on um right here and i know that the two of you also know each other and it wasn't even a plan that you would go right after each other and john when you can please turn on your camera we'll be bringing you on in a little bit here but we've learned a lot from you we've learned so much from you and um john anything you want to what what was one thing that stood out i know you've been listening to her for a little bit what was one thing that stood out for you that you would have liked to know when you started this journey the first time what is one thing that darren said okay the last thing she said actually about creating boundaries in your business you know because when you first start out your business you tend to be a people pleaser because you sort of don't know where your breakthrough will come from you know so you're taking all kinds of things people dm in the middle of the night you feel obligated to answer and all that stuff and that can really take a toll on your ability to produce at your best and and all of that so that's one thing i wish i knew when i started out but thank god i know it now you know it now and that's why so i mean idea and john are one of the most value given people that you probably come across and they're they're unapologetic that's the number one thing i love and in their groups there's so much order you can tell that there are people of boundaries they're like if you do this if you do that you get blocked just so you hear i won't repeat it again it's a dictatorship it's not a democracy within the authority and they are not afraid to wield that authority just it's very simple you're not getting it i mean i can't explain myself twice this is my space i'm sorry you can go somewhere else and you know do this dance so thank you that's just a very very small example all right thank you durian for stopping by thank you and uh we'll be seeing you on the back end you guys follow it during on instagram you know what's called value and if you're writing any book or you have any plans in this life or writing any book you need to join open it someone will put it in the chat for you to be able to join thank you thank you all right so we're talking next about unlocking um personal sovereignty and when i saw that thing whoo you know i followed john obidi but i listened many times i'm like okay he's talking to the younger generation and all but i know that his mind is is lit i when i literally saw that video i sent him an email that said your mind is a beautiful place you know i see a guardian and you want to go and just admire things that's how this man's mind is and i'll tell you why um we we decided to add john to this conference is because like ddk said you can't be certain boundaries if in your life your life is already not by design you don't even have personal sovereignty so what what he said anything goes already in your life there's no definition there's no power that you're wielding there's no expansiveness of your mind that's like you know what i aspire for something i'm gonna go get it there's no possibility mindset there's no personal power and if you're in my newsletter i sent out an email that said hey this thing you can call it personal power personal agency personal boundaries you can call it personal sovereignty so what i he's going to come talk to you about and he did say something he said well my own is boundarylessness and i'm like yes in your mind there shouldn't be um boundaries of what you can accomplish but there should be boundaries of small thinking there should be boundaries of um this culture this is where this culture say you can stay you can choose otherwise and say you know what i'm going to redefine for myself what being an african youth looks like i'm going to define for myself what i'm going to use this my personal sovereignty for and i'm going to decide what is allowed in this space what's not allowed so i'll just leave john to speak in his language it doesn't have to use the word boundaries but speaking is language so that you can know that you are a person of power and what are you going to determine to be and to become in your life what are you going to allow in your space and what are you going to go for with all the alacrity and just the audacity you can master in your life all right listen and be blessed like they say in church thank you everybody edgar if you can cue the video uh we're going to um introduce you shortly in your intro here okay um one moment okay john obidi is a new media consultant international speaker and personal development trainer he is a highly skilled compelling visionary and phenomenal resourceful person bringing practical intelligence and transferable solutions to both the workplace and marketplace as a whole and doing so in the most innovative and unconventional ways unlocking admiration and gratitude from clients and industry stakeholders everywhere in 2018 john was voted amongst advanced media's 100 most influential young nigerians coming in second in the final rankings in december 2018 he won the future awards africa prize for new media in 2020 john was once again featured amongst advanced media's 100 most influential young nigerians john is a leading consultant on online digital marketing in africa and is the founder of headstart africa a community of over 170 000 business and career professionals as a thought leader in personal development leadership and online marketing john's blog podcasts webinars workshops master classes conferences and speaking engagements are claims to be practical disruptive paradigm shifting forward-looking and highly progressive speaking on unlocking personal sovereignty welcome john obidi i felt like we were welcoming a box into the ring like i was getting ready to make good like i was iron mike tyson all right that's cool thank you so much take it away john okay all right so i just sent out a message to my telegram channel so i know that my horde has already started tuning in they are wonderland soon now i think more will come as they see my message um so thank you so much brother brad ladeep for um having me on here thank you brother dave for organizing the boundary summit thank you to the the crew and all the other speakers on this summit so far into the audience and everyone else who showed up to honor this program at the boundary summit i've been listening to some of the the sessions and they've been great the recession was fantastic and i want to just end today's um event by speaking on this topic unlocking personal sovereignty now some of you who are coming from head start africa my community and are watching you might have heard me talk about this and if you go over to my youtube channel there's there's like a two to three hour full-on sermon on unlocking personal sovereignty but i'm bringing a another twist to it here um as the specific angle i'm talking about here is boundaries for personal and professional leadership boundaries for personal and professional leadership now i want you guys to pardon me i need you guys to pardon me in case you don't know me uh what many people know me for is that i tend to bring a lot of allegories from the bible but it does not mean i'm trying to christianize the program not at all the stories that i will be sharing are going to be very useful despite whatever faith you allude to okay so i'm not trying to convert you to become a christian if that is not your faith i'm just sharing some stories that i think would be relatable to everyone okay if i were a muslim i would probably share some stories from the quran but what i know is the bible and stories from the bible which have been helpful and resourceful to me so please pardon me um this is going to be useful to everybody so this my my my my topic here my teaching on boundaries and personal sovereignty is going to come from one of the parables of jesus and again if you know me i i give these stories with with a different twist in a way that many people have may never have have seen or heard before so part of me jesus christ told the parable once about the the the wise and the foolish virgins all right but you know most people who know that story know it in the sense that okay what's the moral of the story the moral the story is that we need to take extra oil but if you bear with me let's go through this story you'll realize a very powerful message a very powerful lesson there that will help you for the journey of life so here's what the parable was about it says that there were 10 virgins virgin maidens who are going to attend a particular wedding now the reason they have to be virgins you know it's ancient jewish tradition you know how we have today we have the little groom the little bride the maid of honor the bridal train and so on you know back in the day in jewish tradition they probably needed those 10 virgins to be part of the bridal train so they had specific roles that they were going to play at the wedding feast okay and so they were supposed to be at the wedding feast but they had to wait for the bridegroom to signal them okay and it said that they all had lamps okay and he said they were they were wise virgins and then there were foolish virgins and it says that the virgins who were foolish they took just enough oil and when they waited they would say they waited everyone's oil both the wires and the foolish virgins all the their oil was depleted that's what happened all of them all their oil got depleted but the wise virgins brought extra and so when their oil was depleted they were able to refill up their lamps and have that extra and that is where people end the story but stop stop right there stop listen pay attention the story did not end there the real or what i think is the real moral of the story continues from this point on and so what does the story say the story said that the virgins who did not bring extra oil turned to the ones who brought extra and said hey our oil our lamps just ran out could you give us give us some of your oil but the wise one said hey you know i mean we'd love to help but if we did that there's not going to be enough for us but hey you know we're not just being stingy you still have time you can head right out there into the marketplace and buy some more oil before the bridegroom comes and the story goes that they went out into the marketplace into the marketplace and purchased extra oil they actually did purchase extra oil but by the time they had come the bridegroom arrived and took the ones that were ready into the feast and the door was shut what is this telling us some of us think that it is enough to have oil to have extra oil no in as much as you were diligent enough to have extra oil in as much as you were prudent enough to save your money and not squander it on liabilities in as much as you are able to cut down your expenses and live within your means and so now you have some savings for emergencies for investments for self-care for personal development you've been able to do all that yes i applaud you but that is not the end in as much as you are able to take that extra oil you have the wisdom and the prudence the presence of mind to take that extra oil now you have to be able to do what protect your oil because people who were not as prudent with their own resources are going to make you pay the cost of their wastefulness they are going to try to make you bear the cost of your foolishness and at that point you say but we are supposed to be kind those virgins right there their wisdom is wasn't learning when to say no not in carrying the extra oil everybody could take extra oil but only someone who was prudent and able to make those mental calculations and measure they said no if we give you from our own even though this is your definition of generosity if we were to part with this oil we would not be able to achieve our purpose there are some people watching me tonight who are stuck in the cycle of people pleasing oh but god said we should be kind what could jesus do and that is what people abusers and users use to take advantage of you time and time again they use your own faith to take advantage of you this yeah what would jesus do who say you are a christian so maybe you are a christian as if your money now you cannot give you need to have the discipline the confidence the boldness the presence of mind to say i love you but i cannot part with what i have you might not say it in those words find a different way to say it depending on who you are talking to yo i love you but if i part with this i will not be able to achieve my purpose but hey i can give you advice hey i might not be able to give you from my extra oil because that extra oil has got a purpose but i can give you advice just like the wise virgins gave to the foolish buddies they did not give them the oil that they were asked of they give them advice instead we give you advice if you can go to those exchanges over there you might be your son yeah like the break room has not yet come go to the exchanges you might have time hurry up you know i can give you advice hey you know next time i can give you advice i cannot give you this money but i'll give you advice right next time you know cut down on expenses you didn't have to go for that party right you didn't have to go for that vacation right you didn't have to buy that new bag perhaps cut down on your expenses look into investment opportunities get a better paying job leave that four bedroom apartment move into something that is within your means you ain't got to impress anybody and maybe by next month you would have more money to food your bills that is my advice but for this extra oil i'm sorry darling but this has got a purpose that ladies and gentlemen was the difference the key difference between the wise virgins and the foolish virgins this wasn't about the extra oil it wasn't about the extra oil i understand that there is a place for charity but there were some resources that god hands over to us that was supposed to take us to the next destination the problem the problem with some people is that that extra oil we don't realize that it was a seed men were meant to sow into some venture into some opportunity you give it away and i hope for another one you are going to suffer as you see in that story what happened in that story with their extra oil they were able to stay in the game for long enough to achieve their purpose and that is how i'm going to open up this conversation on boundaries jesus christ said at some point he said that look the children of this world are wiser they are smarter in their dealings than those of the kingdom but that should not be so all right but what would happen when you learn how to go out as a dove and reset to being as cunning as somebody ah this president trying to take advantage of the fact that i said i was a christian the fact that i said i was a general office i don't want to guilt-trip me that i i thought you were generous your other friend is doing better so generous pretend good won't cover no good draw for here because this thing has a purpose all right so let us understand that this topic my topic today is about unlocking personal sovereignty all right what is the meaning of sovereignty somebody needs to go google google what it means to be sovereign it means to be self-governing it means to be self-governing it means that you are able to sustain yourself it means that nobody decides the rules by which you live and some countries that are sovereign some countries that are sovereign they even expand their resources and are able to give foreign aid to other less privileged countries that what it means to be sovereign and so when i say unlocking personal sovereignty it's about being sovereign on a personal level is understanding that when the bible says for example that you will lend to nations you're understanding that you yourself are a nation and you have to run yourself as a nation as a sovereign nation you do not let another nation come and infringe on what we call your territorial integrity you understand what i mean by territorial integrity you don't let somebody encroach on your borders that is what it means to be sovereign you do not allow someone come on and colonize your nation or enslave your people no that is what it means to be sovereign and that is why you need to have those boundaries in place all right so when you talk about unlocking personal sovereignty how can you be lord over your life a lot of people go out on social media and post things like i am a king i am a queen my darling i know you got to say that sometimes to help your self-esteem but if you do not have sovereignty over yourself you are king of nothing you are queen of nothing the number one characteristic of royalty whether you're a king or you're a queen is that you have a sovereign domain over which you rule that's number one there are other characteristics but i will not go into that the number one is that you have a domain under which you rule there is no king that begs anybody for food to eat you have first of all self-sufficiency self-sufficiency is the number one characteristic of anybody who calls themselves sovereign or king of a sovereign territory can you establish that self-sufficiency and then can you protect your resources your resources from encroachment by foreign invaders are you following me so you must be able to make decisions as a sovereign nation this is very poignant because i can see a lot of people watching this broadcast come from where i come from third world africa and it's a place where many people have not been able to properly define their borders and so everything that you know from marriage to parenting to money comes from what your parents and grandparents thought those things were but what do you really think have you do you really have your own ideology you were born you were given a religion you were given a name you were given a tribe and you just follow until today those people still pull the strings in your life do you have self sovereignty one of the ways you can start having self sovereignty is through your money habits through your money habits now it's a big issue especially for third world africans i don't really like talking about this when you know there's uh there's an uh international audience watching this but you know i'll just do what i got to do there's this plague that affects first borns in nigeria if you're especially if you are from the igbo tribe or the euroba tribe maybe other tribes too but the ones i have personal experience with are eboza and eurobase that's that that suffer this um so the parents from the east and the west they tend to bring up the firstborn as a deputy father and then the first i mean the first son as a deputy father and the first daughter as the deputy mother so there's a lot of pressure on those ones so there's an advantage to it you and your first sons and first daughters grow up looking you know they tend to be more generally well adjusted um they tend to be more um responsible generally however those patterns manifest in different ways um number one first borns are the least likely to take risk look into your life you're first firstborn right firstborns are the least likely to take risks because you grow up thinking everybody is watching you don't do this so don't do that to the young guys are watching you that's what i watching you and you you live your life so cautiously until you die or until you hear a message like this that sets you free and so are you still living under that old programming another thing that firstborns face is when it comes to their resources all right he doesn't grow up thinking uh i have younger ones oh and so every single dime that you get you're spending here you're spending there how many of you first born i i want to because i don't think this is just theory i i know this is practical to a lot of people how many of your first bones right have been in a career for a significant amount of time you've made quite some amounts of money and you've been supporting this one and that one in the family they're telling you thank you you're our mother now you're our father now all right but you've you've gone well into your 40s you've spent a lot of money training this person and that person investing in this person and that person but at this stage of your life you you have no savings you have no investments and if anything happens to you financially or physically or health-wise you've got nobody like everyone leans on you but you have no one to turn to how many of you fall into that category like everybody is leaning on you and asking you for this and asking you for that but when you yourself are in need who do you turn to like people don't think that you can ever have problems or you can never get broke [Laughter] right so you've got to rinse your mind i mean if you are comfortable living your life that way that's fine you do you do you but at some point you've got to put your food down and be like yo i can't keep on living my life like this man like if you have a health emergency now you don't have any extra oil in your lamp [Music] if an investment opportunity just comes today you've got that you can't enter into it what are you going to do sit back at home and pray for a miracle and then those people that you are sending money to they are going to be calling and be like ah brother we are praying for you god will keep on supplying you if you take that bait you will suffer god will not give you anything because what you are supposed to get you've gotten it your extra oil but you gave it away this is not a case for not doing charity but you've got to be smart your family people are going to blackmail you emotionally they are very good at that they don't they may not even know that they are doing it but they will do it they know how to hurt you they don't have to get to you like the euro bus for example the the men when they want to greet they prostrate or touch the ground somehow the women when they want to greet another one they kneel down all right they know that if they just maybe stop doing that they withdraw that respect from you it's going to offend you and perhaps pull your attention to the fact that you're not dropping money the way you used to it's okay go inside of your spirits and not need that respect anymore free yourself be free if they say that because you are unable to contribute the way you used to that they will not respect you anymore that's okay don't cry or bang it on the wall you see your family members listen listen listen our extended family system has unintentionally made us addicted to respect and i put that in quotes kind of respect sister you know you they've done that for years and you don't know that you become addicted to that thing you feel good when they say it all right and when it is withdrawn you feel offended they know you will feel offended to do intentionally withdraw it listen get used to going without it what really matters is your extra oil if any of your dependents is wise what they will come to you primarily for would be advice not your money that's how you know they want to draw clothes if any of them is wise conscientious don't come for advice brother sister you've done so well for yourself can you please teach me give me some tips give me some advice i want to learn from your wisdom well but most of the time they won't do that they would likely prefer to just come for easy money they can go out there take useless risks because another last last if i lose all my money i can always go back to sister uchenna but you you can't afford to take those risks because you have nowhere else to go so they've got to learn you've got to protect your your boundaries you've got to protect your borders you need to have that territorial integrity that is what it that is what it means to maintain that personal sovereignty okay you want to let go of that black tax now i'm going to say something here that is going to be useful to those who are nigerian especially if you are living in nigeria unfortunately when you are drawing boundaries um from external invaders in our situation a time has come and has been around for a while where you have to draw boundaries from your own government i'm sorry you guys didn't know i was going to talk about this but as part of it you have to draw boundaries from your own government because things in nigeria are getting worse and worse and unfortunately they will keep on getting worse for a while all right so how much more do you want to be squeezed before you finally break you've got to figure out a way to create boundaries now i remember by the way i'm i'm i'm here in dubai i moved here in november last year and you know i've been talking about unlocking personal services for a while so one of my followers on social media actually moved to dubai to dubai this year and he came to me for some advice okay you know j.o i'm in dubai now i've moved here and i'm checking out the opportunities i'm settled but what is what advice would you give me settling in here and i said well good job you've left you've moved you're doing well financially but don't get comfortable in this country and he said what do you mean and i said don't get comfortable here just because you could move here legally remember that you still have a nigerian passport and that nigerian passport is going to determine the quality of your experiences anywhere in the world it's like the mark of cain the more prosperous you get you should look at investing in opportunities that will get you another kind of passport that will give you a more respectable status that you can leverage and it was like wow because i noticed that there are a lot of a lot of people who immigrate legally they're happy that they have they've moved in a different country with a better enabling environment better amenities facilities a higher quality of life and they stop there you have to move on to the next level and get the leverage of another passport and i told him this earlier on this year and then what happened now something happened later um this year many people don't know this because this what i'm about to say now it's it's not on the news you are never going to see it on the news um right now if you are a nigerian man under the age of 35. you can't attack you by a tourist visa you will not see this on the news but if you ask even if you have friends in immigration they'll tell you if you're a nigerian man right now under the age of 35 you can't you can't enter dubai because you're a nigerian what happened i think what happened i think something happened you know a couple of months ago where some crazy nigerians did something violent somewhere and so the government took it out on all nigerians you know so the and then not just that but something happened with the whole the nigerian government's handling of the kovit situation so for since the beginning of the year it's not been easy for nigerians to go to the bank and come back it's there's been that issue but other countries are going and coming all that other nationalities don't have that problem but because your government was unable to manage a certain situation anybody who has that nigerian passport will suffer so you have to understand that for as long as you carry the nigerian passport and that that expression called nigeria is governed by people who may not know how to handle the people inside you are going to suffer the consequences of their bad decisions like it's happening now no matter how much money you have if you are a nigerian man i think women are allowed like a nigerian man under 35 because you cannot enter dubai on a tourist visa so what would have happened all right so a large part of this is creating boundaries from the inefficiencies of your own government all right now what are these other boundaries if you live in nigeria there are certain things that you must have number one is you have a domiciliary account well i we talked about that some time ago but even themselves accounts now are not safe from the inefficiency of the nigerian government they're not safe so right now you need to move if you have some money move to the level where you can have a u.s registered business a u.s bank account a us address all right if you have about six to seven hundred dollars you can get that right in nigeria without traveling and when you open a us-based bank account raise a u.s based business you can open a stripe account you can open a paypal account and you can receive money from all over the world money that will be in your us account that the nigerian government cannot touch when you need to get that money in nigeria a simple wire transfer would get it done for you and that money gets you in nigeria but all your operations will be domiciled in the united states it is not new but maybe it is new for many people that are listening to me right now it is not new it has been around for a while the indians have been doing it for a long time the pakistanis have been doing it for a long time and a lot of chinese businessmen are doing that for a long time running us-based companies and bank accounts without ever stepping foot in the united states and you should be able to handle that too all right so right there in nigeria so that you don't suffer what the regular nigerian suffers the regular nigerian is suffering the regular nigerian cannot open a people account the average ninja can open his tripe account but you've got to get go a step above being a regular nigerian be the kind of nigerian or wherever you're from that has personal sovereignty all right it's gonna cost money i'm sorry drawing boundaries from your own government is gonna cost some money but it's going to be worth it it's the only way to survive there all right so that's that way that's going to be able to create online businesses i know that idea was here earlier on talking about maybe some online business opportunities but there are some obvious opportunities that you can never leverage if you are not if you don't have a presence in the united states and you can get these things done very easily okay moving on from that another thing that you must have to establish your personal sovereignty listen it's about having skills of the new economy skills of the new economy guys my life changed forever in 2000 and i think it was 12. 2012 i came across two books two books that changed my life forever those are the books that gave me the permission to dream for the life that i wanted those are the books that told me that the life i had envisioned was possible the first one was the four hour work week by tim ferriss the four hour work week by tim ferriss the second one was written by was written by a lady named natalie sisson it was called the suitcase entrepreneur i heard natalie sisson she was a guest on someone's podcast where she was trying to promote her book and she was talking about her lifestyle as a suitcase entrepreneur i was like what what what does that mean and she said that you know she can live anywhere in the world out of her suitcase as long as she has a laptop and an internet connection i was like yo who does that what kind of bohemian lifestyle is that and i read her book back to back and then i read him versus book the four-hour workweek and i was like oh my god yes this is it this is it this is the lifestyle that i want 2012 i would lay on my back and just look up at the ceiling and just dream that yes this is it this is what i want i dreamt it and that is the life that i live right now the life i dreamt of back then is the life that i live right now so what is the suitcase entrepreneur or what i mean by the skills of the new economy i mean being able to create an economy guys remember that ella and i talked about what it means to be a sovereign state or a sovereign nation it means you are self-governing every sovereign nation creates its own budgets has its own ministry of finance has its own ministry of internal affairs has his own ministry of health you need to create your own ministries within this your sovereign nation that has called you all right and then every sovereign nation also has an economy every sovereign nation has a gdp that is measured by how productive that country is how productive are you as a sovereign nation because your productivity will determine the viability of your personal economy so every sovereign nation every sovereign individual got to abraham ui nation everybody watching me right now you are a nation what is the productivity of this nation called you what is the gdp of this nation called you how did you use your time how did you use your resources how did you budget your attention and these things create profits for this country for this nation that is your personal economy and one of the ways you can be sovereign is in finding a way to scale the economy of you leveraging the tools of the internet and that is what i call the skills of the new economy guys skills of the new economy is actually like a one-hour session on its own i think i may have one or two videos of that on youtube but i will do my best to summarize that so somebody please one of the technical people should tell me how much time i have okay i can see that i have 10 minutes to go well that was eight minutes that was four minutes ago so now i have five minutes to go all right so i'll just quickly summarize what i mean by um skills of the new economy listen guys this is the best time to be alive there is someone somewhere in the world who wants to know what you know and you can exchange your wealth of knowledge and experience with that person for money guess what it is not one person there are thousands hundreds of thousands of people who would feel happy and blessed that you shared your knowledge with them for a fee this is something that i have done time and time again i have made a living a career a full-time career out of this i don't have to be domiciled in any country i live wherever i want as long as that country or that city has a stable internet connection my briefcase is my laptop i can live anywhere whether i'm in dubai or in brazil the only way you know i'm out of the country when you see me on instagram but my master classes they keep on holding my webinars keep on holding my products keep on selling my software keeps on selling even when i sleep these there are skills of the new economy that can help you create a an economic fortress that no government or external individual can intrude upon and to a few skills of the new economy everybody here guys everybody here must must must be able to be able to articulate your value in the language of the internet what do i mean do you have a youtube channel or do you at least have a website that says hello everybody my name is john obidi i am an expert at personal leadership i can help you achieve this this this please click here to see other people have helped in this manner these are the programs that i have or the books or resources i have that can help you go from your here to there click here to learn more they will click there they see this book fifty dollars they will see this course ninety dollars see another course a thousand dollars and they can in an automated fashion click buy now and without you having to pick up the phone and talk to anybody without having to do any customer care the automated system delivers the product to them and you get your alarms in your bank account wherever you are in the world that is how to create a borderless economy as a sovereign individual if i had more time i would have broken down this down into the systems the strategies the tools software and techniques that you can use to do these things but i don't have that time right now i hope that within the time i've been given i've been able to give you a foundation of this topic of unlocking personal sovereignty remember i started this out by talking about giving you guys the parable of the wise and the foolish virgins the moral of that story was not that the wise virgins took extra oil no anybody can take extra oil but a lot of people watching me right here you have taken extra oil but you squandered it and you called it kindness you were imprudent with it and you called it kindness you were not judicious in your use of your personal resources and because you didn't spend it on cocaine or alcohol because you spent it dashing somebody you think that god will reward you for it because they are guilt-stripping you by telling you that give us never lack my darling give us luck all the time it is that person who is able to be prudent with the resources that have been given to them that is going to stand the test of time when you look at the parable of the talent god gave somebody five talents all right that the master gave somebody five talents give another one two talents another one one talent the guy that had five why didn't he become genocide start dashing out the talents before carrick book of logan he took the five and he went to trade to invest when they had to he went to trade there is no place for generosity when you have been given resources to trade with and so you've got to create boundaries around that don't let anybody guilt trip you all right so the moral of that story is not that you carry the extra people that carried extra and wasted it is that you carried extra you saved extra but you protected your extra you invested your extra and your extract got you to your destination and gave you a bountiful return all right i also talked about how you have to be able to control your personal economy black tax that affects first borns you've got to be very judicious in how you use your resources and talk about how you can create boundaries even from the misadventures of your own government right now every young man under 35 that has an endurance passport you can't come in as a tourist above 35 grand coming but blue 35 can't come in why did you do anything wrong personally no your government messed up somewhere and now you've got to bear the consequences but somebody who has two passports doesn't have to live under the rules of one nation alone that is what they mean by personal sovereignty you are sovereign and you don't have to suffer for the the mistakes other people have made on your behalf okay another the last thing i said was skills of the new economy creating an economy in the cloud creating an economy in the internet so that wherever you are in the world you know the strategies and the tools with which to articulate your value sell your value scale it and make money from it wherever you are in the world guys with these two points of mind i've been able to indoctrinate you with this lesson of unlocking personal sovereignty thank you so much brother for having me um if i were to leave you with this one word um jesus christ once said that you are what you are the light of the world you're not the light of any good state well they're not you're not the light of wisconsin you know the light of dubai on the light of a bakaliki or the light of lagos you are the light of the world okay so let your light so shine before before who before god no before men human beings let them see your life don't hide it let them see your light that they may glorify so they must see your good words your good intentions no your good thoughts no your good hearts no your no they must see your good work it is biblical to show yourself i don't want to share myself i'm listening to my only two corner no it would be biblical to do you must show yourself let your life so shine before men are they may see your good work i want everybody in the world to know that isabi book that's my light you must know i will add it you i'll put it in your face i can help you give me money all right let your lines will shine before men are they miss your good work and glorify your father to heaven unless people see your light unless they see your work there's no way they can recognize you and reward you thank you guys for listening brady i think you muted the microphone now there are no more words i'm just shouting anyhow i'm like what's going on fire fire fire fire csc those things you've been shouting fire too on instagram and facebook people are people who wear one kind of clothes carry one kind of bugger you're like fire it's not real fire this is what you're calling fire this is at this level of your life i mean when i listened to john's video and john said this is addressed to under 25 i just gently went and if you're in my group here put it in the chat i just genuinely went to my group of under 30s um that are mentoring what is 30 under 25s and i said we're going to do a review on this thing and i said what's your plan a plan b plan c but it was only one plan they had and the plan was very limited by location some had a dream so but they felt like one day maybe this dream would fall on my head there was no path there was no plan to go get it so you guys what you are getting here today and i mean i just told someone they were asking how do i what what are some of the software i should use i said go to john's page he left that one up even the ones he did not leave up go and find out about it and go get it go get it go and look for him on seller you will find some of those videos by the truth is what the good book says and i'm sure many of the good books in the world have a version of that look if boundaries were just about other people yeah just it's about your your relationship don't let your mother talk to you like this don't don't let your spouse just about that i won't waste my energy there's too much in the world for us to care about those things on that level but the reason why is because you are a wise virgin going somewhere it wasn't about the oil it wasn't about who has the most there was no price for that is that this is the resource for me to fulfill what i came to this place to do that's all if i can't do it in this space this space even though i have carried the passport it's not serving me it's time to jah and it doesn't matter where the place is so john people had some questions about how do i start how do i make many people are getting that global citizen part what would you tell them is one um thing or some places where they can go get resources because some people claim it's because they don't know where to get it that's why they're where they are how can you make them excuseless now because that when we finish this conference like don't call me don't come with any excuse again if your economy asks me direct from here because we are not about and tips and advice no we're about the movement what about the indoctrination like john said so john over to you you know you know brother you know those who i know there's love who hear that from my my facebook community so they know that i'm i'm quite a fire brand with this message but even now i've been called now i haven't cooled down so maybe it was maybe because i'm i'm no longer in the third world again i'm now in you know so my temperature has come down it's affecting the temperature i've cooled down small before eyes were very hot i should make some very hard statements please remain hot one of the one of the hard things i said um was it this year last year there was this period where in nigeria there was a scarcity of passports um booklets look this scene is not ordinary it is intentionally done they have seen that you people want to jack back and all the old people by inside look i said it to i do i don't have any proof but i mean i mean we're all nigerians we know these things we're not born yesterday only for me to see yesterday one um journalist um one top journalist what's his name on twitter and david hyundai published and he's one of the top nigerian investigative journalists he published one report on his twitter you click his you it goes to he put a whole blog article he investigated how with proof how the passport's custody was intentional i said what i was saying last year that's in our mouth was open just go twitter look forward at david monday he's a nigerian investigative journalist one of the top he has won many awards for doing that i don't know how much which are now in nigeria can't even access now officially no but you get how to do it [Laughter] you know so i said this thing then they are approved but i just know how these things they happen say this and i like the one who do not hold enough for one place and this guy has investigated it just yesterday also the reports came out this guy dog deep published the names and the physics of all the major actors of course we need to know those people but yes you know the citizens who know that this is what is actually happening right so so so so you you said something that many people have the excuse that they don't they don't know where to get all this knowledge and it is true brother day it is very true um while on one hand i'm a bit hard on young people i'm a bit understanding on the other hand too because see all these things we are teaching here you will never sit on television so true you do never be the newspapers you know gonna say for big brother nigel you know anyway like that because it is not in the agenda of this world to prosper you yeah you exist to this world is for you to pay tax as long as you can pay tax everybody else is fine it is not in their agenda for it to be prosperous it's not in their agenda for it to be fulfilled and your mental health should be on point nobody's talking about that all right and that is why you king king solomon i think it was who said that it is the um it is the glory of god to construct the matter of kings and search it out things are going to be hidden it is up to you to go and look for where it is and stop watching that bloody relative issue that you are watching going to where these conversations are happening in search yourself because your fight as a third world native is different if you are a citizen of norway or switzerland or denmark these are the three most prosperous countries on earth based on the latest rankings i wouldn't be bothering myself to shout at you guys no matter how foolish you choose to be you will never be hungry in those countries they have got their social security system walked out so whether you choose to be wise or foolish you will not die of hunger in nigeria nigeria is the worst place to be a foolish person is the worst place don't don't try it everything in the environment everything in the environment is trying to kill you the only thing that will save you is that your personal excellence your personal commitment to excellence and part of being excellent is in looking for these conversations don't say oh we don't know where how did i know these things now how did i how all these things how do i know them all right because i was determined i said look my papado gets my manual gets this thing ends with me i will figure out a way i said look if i if i'm going to enjoy these things i'm thinking about i'm imagining in my head not it's for me or my father this is the day i realized i'm so sorry about it i just i don't think my dad is ever going to be rich i don't do what you have seen this thing i don't think we're ever going to have my family i don't think i don't think so if i'm i i was 15 years old when i realized that i was 15 when i realized that maybe people don't know this about me but at 15 i was a bricklayer maybe i don't know about don't know this at 15 i was a bricklayer things were that bad it doesn't show my face now thank god i'm a fan boy right but at that age i knew this no i've got to figure something out i started walking around the streets of potako looking for where they were teaching web design at 15 years old this was 2000 awards way before all right so you've got to seek out these things i have a youtube channel every friday by 11 p.m nigerian time i hold something called nightmares all right we're holding one again tonight i'm going to be teaching um internet business module okay 10 online business models you can profit from with little or no capital all right so i'm going to teach you that go to the link and go to my instagram check the link in my bio the link to attend it is free to attend check the link in my bio you'll find the link to my youtube channel to my telegram channel if you get into my channel channel you'll get all the alerts there for when we go live so you're going to learn all about that from me i teach these things all the time also on my facebook group headstart africa you're asking me a question there i will always answer that's what the group is for um apart from that all these things about oh from nigeria how do you open a ui bank account you know see it on google you will not sit on the news you know go do not see it anywhere but we can direct you i know how to get it done if you need if you need that class service and you have between six to seven hundred dollars send me a dm i'll direct you to the the consultant that gets it done for us right um what what else was i that was one question i saw there but everything else will be teaching here you need to find out whether things are happening send me a dm and i can point you in in the the right direction okay i i had to bring gucci up here because let me come back no no no just we're going to transition together but one thing i can tell you about every single person on this screen that you are seeing right here uber successful people i'm the one saying it i'm not even playing uber successful people on your screen who didn't just choose to be successful but to impact their world is that we didn't necessarily come out okay i don't know about john i didn't come out tops in my class you honestly i don't even know if essentially i i just knew that my brain was hot i could study anything but i don't know i think about top so unless if we did not have money at least i talked about first in class that's my father's only deal with me look at that so i tell people that if me with a third class from the university of port harcourt i don't i i don't share this thing i've never shared it but when i heard john first share about his bricklaying i thought i would share if me with and don't worry it's not my parents fault or anything i came out with my the best results in hawaii but john knows uniforms then uniform they add me they add that um when things are not working out in your favor that lethargy that sets it it's from the devil even if you don't believe in don't do it because i know that the worse things get the more you are just like we kind of work ourselves you know that helplessness that one was there and i came home from that school and i was like no my life can be my life can be scattered my life can be a west so i decided i started doing that was before internet age and all these things i started doing some business some things so that i could make enough money so that i could go to school abroad because i knew that if i don't have something that shows that look you are a real engineer not that class from nigeria university if that nigerian university would not even take me to do masters in nigeria with the third class but guess what a top ranking university in the uk took me and then i had a distinction i'm sharing this for those of you who are still students for those of you who can still reinvent yourself john did this for under 25 but i'm telling you now you can do it for yourself then i think i was 25 in the class i felt i was the oldest person i felt i always used to be the youngest person but i was in class with 22 years old that time four years seemed like a big age difference look it's not now is the time it takes personal sovereignty decision now when you have set your course like that boundary is not hard now because you already know where you were even already going you understand so um john or uh uche have you found that's a phenomenal story phenomenal today i wish i i wish you would you would even come and um share with my people it's one of these days so first hi hi john hello would you like someone you should have a powerhouse just wondering why our paths have not crossed i don't understand yeah of course now [Laughter] you know me now like i was just saying that i don't think i need to speak afterwards from the beginning option now like really badly there's no point [Laughter] honestly fantastic john thank you so much really blessed and i i love the fact that you use the bible analogies because i know you know i love it thank you and you are looking like i like like this me upon all your buddha you know i'm gonna take my help i'm just managing my blackness like this so cream that we are rubbing is the cream don't give that myself all right thank you so much for stopping by so many questions thank you for having me thank you yeah all right so over to you uche and yeah you guys like i'm jo i'm proud for you guys you know when you cook street food as you are turning it you are like ah the people that will eat this food all your body's treating you for that it's not even for you at that level you're about to soon see what i'm talking about okay i'll announce um uche here and then she will come up don't miss this session with everything that is within you don't miss it uche anna jamba is a business leader strategist and social enterprise entrepreneur with about 20 years experience in human capital management commercial operations and project management across various sectors including oil and gas upstream and mainstream marine engineering power aviation retail ict telecommunications and government over the course of our career uche has led the successful execution of several projects and initiatives with experience of working with people of diverse backgrounds and cultures in both multinational and national companies within and outside nigeria including major projects across the energy value chain outside of format employment in various energy companies uche is the founder and principal consultant of mml consulting limited a business advisory and human capital firm delivering the multi-million dollar scope of work to various clients across the various sectors to local and international companies she runs results-focused team building sessions using experiential activities to drive cultural change across organizations speaking on boundaries in business and leadership welcome we are here for you we are your dodo friars anything you want to do oh my gosh we are here for this take us away mama thank you so much brother thank you this is this is just a buffet i came here thinking i was going to be a blessing and to impact but i'm sitting here and i'm completely impacted like i don't understand what i need to speak about again but i'm going to attempt to do that i'm going to attempt to do that so what i'm going to ask is just give me your attention for a few minutes i'll keep to time and and hopefully we can learn somewhere so before i start right i want you to just understand something there are two things that i am forget all that profile that is a whole lot of english for when you want to put your profile out there to clients there are two things that i do i am a teacher and i'm a coach that is my purpose in life so everything i'm going to do today i'm going to teach you things that you can use as in and you have to achieve the reason that you're here for so the very first question i want to ask right is the first question i want to ask is if you're here you've run a business before you want to run a business you run a business you filled your you're still running i want to see it in the comment section you'll run a business before any kind of business you're an aspiring business person whether the business field or not whether you're selling a car pure water or you are selling rolls royce if you've done a business before just say yes yes yes okay so great so what i want to talk about so i can and so i don't that you are saying yes okay can you hear me all right great currently run a business fantastic great so i want to just talk about fallacies okay fallacies that allow boundaries predators to invade our lives okay so say fallacies fallacies that allow boundaries predators to invade our lives so fallacies and boundaries predators because that's what they are they are predators and you know what a predator does a predator basically encroaches a predator takes and destroys and there are people that you need to be very careful about okay so i'll talk about fallacies okay and what is a fallacy okay because i want to be very intentional tonight i am going to look at my notes so don't worry just follow me what's a fallacy right a fallacy is basically a mistaken belief especially one based on unsound arguments a believe based on unsound arguments and let me tell you what a few of them are when it comes to business leadership or entrepreneurship okay the first one is that you are indispensable and nobody has your product or service that's the very first one but let me ask you something do you know that there are seven billion people on the earth over seven billion people on the earth so already that tells you that that is not possible that you're the only one that has that business or that product or that idea or that service and i'm coming now to why i'm saying that okay the second fallacy i want you to remember is that they will book you again and again because they have all access to you that the client will book you the the the clients will give you the customers who give you that business that product because you you allow all access to you that is a fallacy that is a fallacy and i tell you in the early days of my business consulting when i set up my consulting firm i i was a victim to this fallacy and so i would show up consistently over and above requirements and there's a difference between that and excellence i'll talk about that later on i would give more than is required i will constantly allow all access to myself but what will usually happen is the second the business stands on its feet they have money and they are able to afford consultants they will leave you and they will go straight to the big consulting firms because they'll start to talk to you about brands how we have to position ourselves when we're working with the big fours it gives us a certain you know finish or we're in the direction that we're trying to go now we're not sure that you have what it takes to get us there or you don't have the capacity for the scope or their minds cannot phantom giving you the quantum and the volume of work that you deserve even though you were at the build stage of that business so it is a fallacy that because you give all access to yourself that when the clients are ready that they are going to book you and i'm going to tell you the third fallacy and i say that carefully knowing that customer service is a big differentiator in businesses so please don't take me literal but hear me the third fallacy is that customer is always king third fallacy is that customer is always king customer is not always king a customer that will force you a client that will force you to compromise on your values on your standards on your vision on the business plans that you've set in place taking you a different direction of course is not king hear me is not king and those are exactly the kind of customers that you want to avoid they are they are their value to you is very short term so you need to learn the concept of delayed graph gratification i'm not saying the money they are bringing to the table is to and so i have to i have to just take you know use them accept anything that they throw at me all right so that is the third fallacy and so if we are talking about predators right boundaries predators why do we allow predators to come into our space why do we allow predators to come into our business why do we allow predators you would not allow a predator to come into your home would you no you wouldn't you would not allow a predator to go into your car you would not allow a predator to go into anything that is dear to you so why do we allow predators to invade our lives our business our careers our everything our minds because that's actually where it starts when our mindset is wrong about the person that we are and the value that we bring then it becomes easy for people to penetrate johanna just spent some time talking about the sovereignty of who you are the self-governance the the value that you as a bring how great and special that you can be and so until we start to ascribe value back to ourselves we are never going to get the respect that we desire require and we're going to continue to have predators invade our space and some of our fears is if i don't show up all the time if i don't give all access to me they'll go to somebody else possibly they won't see that i've got what it takes sometimes they would think that oh i don't know what i'm doing they will think that i'm not taking their business seriously they will think that i'm not committed to their project or to their business therefore i'm going to give all access however there is a consequence for all access the consequence is a real thing which is burnout and once you're burnt out there's nothing you can do i remember a latin um proverb that we were taught or a statement when we were young it says um doom spiro sparrow and doomsday spirit basically says when there is life there is hope it is a person who is a light that is able to give value it's a person who is the life that is able to build a business it's a person who's alive that is able to lead in any single capacity and so that misconception that all access that we give into every single area of our life is what's going to allow us grow is a fallacy and we need to dump it and so newton's stead law right newton's stead law of motion states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction however they do say that the laws of physics do not apply to human you know to social interactions i think that it can it's a metaphor and it can apply and now let me tell you why when you put boundaries between you you who you are what you and the clients that you're serving your business your leadership there are two things that would happen you're either going to gain the respect of the people that you are trying to serve or you're also going to lose money you're going to lose revenue and i want you to be comfortable with the fact that you can lose revenue there are consequences to you bringing boundaries into your life and there are good and bad consequences the bad consequences is that you might actually be losing money but guess what it is okay to lose money i had a particular client a few years ago and this client basically there was no boundaries they had no boundaries with me i would get called at every hour of the day and the night at night i would get someone into their meetings in their location far away from me continuously for things that we could have had conversations on the phone or a simple email would have sufficed making me operationally inefficient because every time you're going to a meeting you have lost half the day right you've lost half the day this continue to they continue to encroach on these boundaries and guess what four years in i did not get any additional business from this client even though i went over and above delivering excellent services making sure that i was compliant to all their requirements showing up giving all access they were constantly giving business steel to other people and what they were doing was siphoning of my knowledge and my resources because they keyed into the fact that there was a personal relationship there that i was being careful to preserve and i had given them a wrong perception of how or who i was and so they took all access but gave me back none in return now are you aware that your own clients your clients the people that you serve the people that you know you're there for in whatever capacity of business or leadership that you're doing do you know that they put boundaries on their interactions and relationships with you do you know that every time you call someone and they don't pick up their phone you say somebody says oh you're my mentor you're my mentor and then you call them they don't pick up and sometimes they're not calling you back until 48 hours later you realize that they have also put boundaries on how you engage with them but then when it comes to you they will call you at every single point in time regardless of whether they are able to solve the problem on their own so basically when you tell people that there are no boundaries in your life and what happens is that they switch off their brain when they are around you and when they switch off their brain media around you what they're basically doing is dumping on you so that becomes your problem you are the one who has sleepless days and nights thinking of a solution and then at the end of the day you're not showing up as your true and authentic self to give the value that you can truly give and so if we know that there's a cause and effect you need to remember that yes there is a possibility that you will lose money because what i don't want to do is talk about it and somebody will say oh it's easier said than done i have a family i have responsibilities i have bills to pay right how do i walk away from opportunities that are on the radar simply because the client has no boundaries and that's why i'm going to then teach you about how you can set the boundaries but before i teach you that how to set the boundaries i want us to talk about how they disguise themselves in business and in leadership because let me tell you um they don't always come full on it's not always a vet sometimes it is very very very very subtle i remember one time a client had said to me to come and run they said to me to come and run a session on organizational restructure for a retreat and i said to them that i was busy the whole of the day however i was going to make some concessions to be available for two hour time slots and they said okay thank you and then they came back and then sent the program to me and guess what they did they then put my session not at the beginning not at the end i had requested but they put it at an awkward time at a time where you had to come in somewhat to hear what the other people before you had had said because he was going to set the context for your restructuring knowing very well that you are going to overrun because it was a critical element so that was a very crafty way that they encroached on the boundary that i had already set and so you have to be careful because sometimes boundaries predators they don't come over they are very subtle and if you're not careful they have already encroached on the boundaries so one of the first ways that they encroach on your boundaries is scope creep please write scope creep scope creep is when this is what we have agreed that we're going to do as a bit this is what we're going to deliver to you as a business now it doesn't matter what your business is whether it's you're frying a cara whether you are coaching you are running a business shop you are running a consulting firm you are running a food supply diesel supply whatever the business is scope creep is a real thing and scope creep is where we have agreed this with you this is what we want you to deliver and then every day somebody would just come and say oh can you just help me can you just quickly look at this can you just quickly look at that can you just quickly look at this and somehow you're like oh it's not a big deal i can quickly look at it and then you find that that thing that you're quickly looking at has taken up hours in the day outside of the agreed scope of work and you will not be able to invoice for it scop creep is a way that boundaries predators encroach on your boundaries now the second one is you what you yourself do to yourself and that is gold plating gold plating so number two this guys is gold plating and i'll tell you what gold plating is gold plating is a concept in project management applicable everywhere again in life and in gold in gold plating what basically happens is that you look at the project you look at a product you look at a set you look at something that you've done and instead of being context with it you keep thinking maybe if i tweak it like this maybe if i took it like this if maybe if i make it like this it will finally dance if you think it will dance it will jump you keep doing that until you have deviated so far away from the original plan to the detriment of the product or service and the client may not even appreciate it because they will say this is too complex this is not what we're looking for or we are not even at this stage yes you're taking us too far this person is too complex so that one is self-inflicted now i tell you what usually happens if you're a person that believes in the concept of continuous improvement so the kaizen principle it is attendance is something that you're likely to attract you're likely to fall into because you're constantly thinking how can i make this better there must be a better way i'm an excellent person i'm a creative person i'm an innovative person is there a little extra that i can do but i'm saying careful careful because in in in in gold plating you are also telling the client you are telling the other person on the receiving end of your service or product that you have no boundaries and guess what you will treat yourself the way you want other people to treat you once they see that they will say but the other time it was even you that added on extra so we think it's okay to do that another way that boundary that um boundaries disgraces this disguises itself is unrealistic timelines and expectations and because we are in a hurry to prove how great we are we accept those timelines and expectations you know that a project cannot be completed in two months or three months or you know the project compared in six months the client tells you three months and because you're trying to prove that you are the dawn dada you accept that and then you now start delivering shoddy work making mistakes excuses oh and then now actually do not meet the client's expectation stressing yourself out and getting a reputation as someone that does not deliver to time so what about the concept of or under-promising and over-delivering another way that boundaries can also disguise itself is the breach of contract when you have a contract you've taken the time to do a contract with your whatever it is that you're trying to do and then you throw the you take the contract open the cardboard somewhere put it inside and it's gathering dust and then you're now getting into unnecessary arguments and agitations with the people that you're set in any capacity i'm really entrepreneurship i mean not just about entrepreneurship but also about leadership so you don't have to be an entrepreneur as long as you are leading anything a group of people in church in school at home anywhere it's the same thing right and so another way it disguises itself is unorthodox rema demands and requests which then leads to bribery and corruption so as i can lead to here just do a little thing here and this is the breaching of the values that you represent forgetting that you are a person of value you are passing of purpose and you're working out your purpose so let me tell you a simple definition of an entrepreneur that you won't find in any book an entrepreneur is a person who understands their purpose and they are envisioning right a pathway a trajectory a plan to create a product or a service that solves a problem that is a solution to a problem in your community giving value to the end users and then consequently receiving values from the end users are you hearing me so an entrepreneur a business person is someone right who understands their purpose and through the understanding of their purpose they are envisioning a solution a service a product something that benefits the greater community of their community and then it gives value to the community and in exchange the community gives you value back in return in the form of money or wealth that's what entrepreneur is does that sound like somebody who should allow anything and anyone to dictate how they engage you want me to repeat okay an entrepreneur is someone who understands their purpose and to the understanding of their purpose that their solution provider they are able to envision a product a service an initiative that is supposed to solve a problem be a solution to a problem giving value to an end user to a community and then the community gives you value back in return in the form of money or wealth so the key words there is understanding of purpose number two envisioning number three creating we have the image and the likeness of god that means we are able to create like him so creating giving value to a community and then receiving value back in return that's what an entrepreneur is that's who a business leader is now does that sound like a person that therefore that can then allow every and anything to penetrate their space of course not because you cannot get much done and you'll be very limited in what you can deliver and so however we do have some challenges as africans right because i know the majority of the people here are africans of african descent regardless of where you live geographically socially we are very warm people we like our hogs our embraces we don't understand the concept of boundaries so this is an alien concept to many of us so this is new teaching to many of us we don't understand the concept of boundaries it's like what are you talking about i need to call you before i come to your house what does that nonsense mean we don't understand when somebody says it is strictly an invitation you say but i have to turn up with my girl i can't come in no me and my friend need to be there to just and analyze these events properly we don't understand the concept of they are working there's a reason why it's called working hours there's a reason why it's called business hours there's a reason why they say close or business so if you pick up your phone and call at 11 pm when you have a family that is now your that is your primary responsibility they don't understand the concept and so we need to factor that in though as we're starting to create boundaries about around our life so we need to be cognizant of it and we need to factor that in and some of the ways to do that is telling people upfront because i am a creator because i am a creator because i want to deliver value because i want to give you the best solution or services trust me when i say don't worry leave this with me and i will come back to you in 48 hours in 72 hours in however long i will come back to you and i will give you the value that you're looking for and then guess what you in turn when you come back you better come correct you better come correct because if you don't come correct they will infringe on your boundaries next time because they don't trust you and therefore there will be an attempt to micromanage you by encroaching on your boundaries and they become predators again and we are right back to square one and so how do we overcome boundaries i want to make sure that i finish within time and take questions how do we overcome boundaries okay the first one is not every client is your client please note not every client is your client not every opportunity is your opportunity you are not supposed to walk through every open door some open doors are a trap you're going to go in there and you are going to find yourself in a deep hole so you are not supposed to accept every single client there are some clients that you don't have the expertise you don't have the competence and it's going to yes stretch is good but there's a stretch that becomes a breakage and that's not what we are looking for we want a stretch that takes us into a new level of influence and value but not to the point that breaks us so if you know that it's going to become a situation where taking on a particular client now starts to affect your mental health like abba said at the beginning you want to walk away from that the second thing you want to do is when you do accept the client you need to do a very clearly defined scope of work very clearly defined scope of work and it's very simple a lot of times people think that these business things are very complicated sometimes it's a simple bullet point their clients there whoever this is what we have agreed i will do the following this this this i am going to do it to this timeline to this quality is this what we said do you agree yes or no everybody says yes and you go when they start to take you outside of the scope of work two things you redirect them back to the scope of work or you say to them yes i can do it but please note my invoice is coming my additional invoice is coming when they know they say no what's wrong with you now is it just this small thing is that's how it starts it's just this small if it was so small why do they need you to do it why can't they do it so clearly define scope of work number two clearly defined scope of work the third thing you want to also do is your delivery timelines please set realistic delivery timelines do not tell a client give me 24 hours when you know it is going to take you one week to do it don't do it don't do it particularly businesses in africa we are we are limited right in africa by virtue of for those of us that are operating in africa we have a lot of challenges logistics challenges um just human capital challenges government regulations or traffic um basically and a non-conducive environment for business and so whether or not you like it even with your best intentions you're not able to deliver to what you so the standards and quality you desire please factor all of that in when you are giving timelines to your clients you must be bold enough to give them the timelines have an argument or discussion with them about it but agree something that makes sense so in in in engineering there's something called the mean time to response right mttr i'm not an engineer but i want a lot of engineering background so uh mean time to response basically means that you're saying to the client client that this is my average time to respond to an issue an average time for me to respond to an escalation and every time for me to respond to a service or support request and every time for me to deliver that plate of food that you ordered the clients that would tell me there's a friend of mine she's one of my best friends i've been friends with since we're three she does the the most amazing cakes ever but if you don't book her a week ahead please know that she will tell you i cannot deliver your cake and there's no sentiment the first couple of times i was upset because i thought what's wrong with you i'm bringing this business to you because you're my friend and you're not even making adjustments for me but i understood she is very committed to the quality that she delivers and she's put boundaries around her timelines so it's on you now to know that if you really want her cake it's keiko something that basic please book me a week ahead if not you're not going to get my cake that's simple so now is it is it on me to now chase i saw me now to know ah i need to quickly if i really want her cake so you have to have a mean time to respond your timelines make sure that you're realistic now the other one is the rules of engagement you have to define your rules of engagement with your clients with their expectations of you and that's where your service level agreement comes in what you're going to do so outside of your scope of work the quality of what you're going to deliver the service level agreement is i'm saying this is a service i'm going to give to you this is how i'm going to deliver this is the quality i'm going to deliver to this is what you expect these are the milestones these are the people that would engage to you with you these are my clients that are my um my employees or or partners that are representative of my business and able to make a decision in my stead whatever that it takes and these are the things that end up going into your contract so like um ddk said during her session you must be go legal do you know that my sister and i right ijama the speaker i think she was about two speakers ago when we have any business transaction we have contracts between us we have and guess what we're going to honor this contract because if we don't do that right we are not busy we're not practicing what we preach and you know that brother is a big advocate of practice what you preach and so because i run a consulting firm where i'm helping businesses set up i am giving them all these contracts putting them in touch with lawyers and teaching people how to actually set up their businesses and i teach them that i have to do the same thing it's definitely just a quick scope of work that's fine but as long as it's a business relationship of any sort we put that in place a coaching relationship we have you have to put a contract in place so the rules of engagement even as a leader there are rules of engagement that you can lay up front to say this is who i am this is what i represent and this is how you're going to get the best value from me as the leader of this initiative if people know that upfront they are very likely to respect it even though they may not necessarily like it or even agree with it because as africans the concept of boundaries is alien to us but we are relearning we are relearning because if you want to truly compete in the global marketplace we cannot say this is how we grew up and you think it's okay we need to dump some things and introduce some new ones the other thing you need to look out for i think that's number five or six i'm not sure i hope somebody's keeping track is conflict resolution you have to know upfront that me and you may quarrel in the course of this business or initiative or we may not agree with certain things can we agree how we're going to resolve that conflict so that at the time that it's happening we know exactly what to do if it's arbitration we want to state that if it's a third party that is coming into to help us mediate we want to agree that a third party it's up to you to determine how you're going to resolve conflicts knowing that it's possible that as you're delivering this value as a sovereign person that you are that there may be times whether there are conflicts and you want to resolve that conflict at every point in time and as soon as possible so that it does not fester and then if you are someone who's a leader you are caught you're a mentor you're a coach again not every client you shouldn't take on every client you must put boundaries around the kind of clients that you can take on because there are things that can trigger you so even if you're a coach you're a leader you're a mentor whatever you are you have also you also have your own experiences in life you have things that have happened to you right and those things sometimes you've been able to deal with them because you understand the concept of taking control of your emotions and your mental state but there are certain clients that can trigger you and they trigger you to the point where you now take on their problems and you are not able to deliver value that they came to you for so when you see such clients the first thing you ought to do is to quickly send them on to somebody else who is better equipped and can be a bit more detached to be objective to give them value that's how you put boundaries around yourself as a leader as a coach as a mentor and you know what we are all business coaches we are we are all coaches sorry we are all coaches we are all mentors we are all leaders in one capacity or the other whether or not we realize it you don't need anybody to give you a label or a tag you are a leader you are a coach or a mentor so you need to be cognizant of the fact that you're not supposed to take on every single person now the key thing is that it's quality over quantity we should never be in the business of a mass in a crowd of clients customers people but i follow simply because we weren't validated by the number of people that are in our space so final words right the final ones i want to share is a river doesn't ever have a river has boundaries because if it doesn't have boundaries it would overflow its bank and that would be a flood or a tsunami so if god the creator of the earth each and every one of us understands the concept of boundaries and says this river you can only come so far so if nature responds to boundaries then let alone us made in his image and likeness why does or you know countries why why why why does um political leaders presidents or why do countries talk about borders and putting up the world because they know that if there are no boundaries of their country their space their geographical region everybody all and sundry will invade thereby depleting the resources of that nation to take care of the people right causing an economic um um lack um increasing crime and social issues and becomes counterproductive for that country so they understand the concept of boundaries in the bible every time there was a lot of reference to walls and boundaries and every time a wall or a boundary of a location or a region was breached it was very likely that they lost that battle go back to scriptures and go and see that that's why it was very critical that's why god had to give the people strategies on taking down the wall it was always about the wall nehemiah was always about we need to rebuild the wall fortify fortify and reveal the wall when the israelites wanted to take jericho it was like the walls of jericho must come down so even in scriptures we are filled with examples of why boundaries are very critical and so if you as a sovereign person as a visionary as this phenomenally made pestine who is working in purpose to deliver value across any field that you are whether you're in korea entrepreneurship ministry running an ngo regardless if you do not understand the concept of boundaries the predators will come in and they will overrun your your home your space your mind and ultimately you know the consequences of that burnout and your inability to give the very value that you were created for and we each and every one of us must leave out and fulfill purpose so my final words would be for me to remind you that again for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction for every time you put boundaries in your life in any area there will be a resistance but don't let it worry you they will adjust as we say in nigeria last last everybody will be all right as long as they understand that it's not from a place of keeping them out but from a place of putting yourself into a cocoon so that you are able to create and develop and produce something that is beneficial to you your family your community eventually they will understand final word i will say is follow true see we comment sessions like this there if a dime a dozen although there's none like this but at a phenomenal job we comment sessions like this we hear a lot of things we're excited we're putting comments we're making notes and afterwards we close it and keep it so let me make a charge to every single one here or let me place a demand follow through the application of knowledge is power no longer knowledge the application of knowledge is power and follow through everything that you've had followed through start to do an audit of your life of your business of everything you're doing of your career of your friendships of your relationships and any predator that you see it's time to shut the curtain on them because guess what you can be replaced quite easily and it's a fallacy that you are indispensable my name is uchiyana jamba and i hope i've been a blessing to you today hell people help me help me help me help me help me wow wow today like the speakers are making me lose my accent i actually i can see that i was wondering it's not working i'm trying to work oh my gosh the connect please if you have a question throw it in there now it's not later i start asking me question in my dm ask now yes drop the mic i see you marianne so true a great blessing is mommy that wants to they're supposed to be teaching us i study not still learning are you pussing humility in life guy like guy hey richard i feel you um durian i see you as well the original adani not that one that is resentful and people are taking this cnn see i just spoke about deal with our younger sister how about we bring businesses to our younger ones instead of everlasting sponsorship because some of these elder wars let me tell you they have got complex so they want to be they want to be the be all and end all so that they can feel good about themselves instead of empowering someone else these are danny and and i know john talked a little bit about it and many great business people are in this issue someone who has a business that is prospering but like you know businesses are supposed to be reinvested into recapita like everything how do you advise people to set those boundaries in their business development versus just um using it to bless their family or even their own personal lives how do we set these financial almost boundaries as business leaders phenomenal question brady in fact it takes me back to something i forgot to speak about i to um i think this was 2011 um so my my my my cousins um owned genesis the genesis food chain the food and entertainment chain and so i went out to the cinema with them i remember getting to the entrance this was in potako that was in potako for about a year and a half during that period we got to the counter and they said you know two tickets um the tickets came and then um and then she brought out her card and she paid and i looked at her now at the time 2012 2000 2012 11 2012 my i i was just in the early days of taking my consulting and business very serious and that whole entrepreneurship so i didn't have all those you know this principles and frameworks and i was very confused because i'm like this whole cinema belongs to you why are you paying and she said because right now as i'm standing here i'm here as a client i'm here as a customer i am not here as the owner of this business and so i pay for the business because how do they account for it in their books so financial boundaries are very important so if she can do that do you think that some cousin will come there and come and say oh it's my cousin that owns this cinema give me a free ticket that cannot happen because she's so happy but yes it's a real thing when your business starts to do well it's a real thing that there's a perception that i do not have enough money so people call you today oh children's coffee some personal credit today or my i cannot be hospitable yes let me tell you what i do what i do now is because whether or not you like it right scripture says that whatever you do to the list of my brothers you do unto me it's an instruction love is an instruction from god therefore god blesses us to be a blessing unto other people so because i recognize the fact that because i'm a person of value i'm a person who wants to imp im have influence through impact i'm a person who is showcasing the image a likeness of god i cannot run away from it so what i do is i set a budget i set a budget every month and say this percentage of whatever earnings i have goes to charitable deeds so i keep it and i don't tell people what that amount is so if you call me you say oh child school fees if you come ellie it goes in you go you call you say oh something something is it goes in i would keep honoring it until i exhaust that budget if i exhaust the budget please come next month that is how i set my own boundaries so i haven't said no to you especially when i believe it's a real case i haven't said no to you because like you said i must put money back into my business yeah my business right so the fact that i made one million dollars today amen does not mean that is now for largesse and flexing and just dash the money oh this miata is rich is not giving me money no if i don't keep reinvesting the money into my business how does my business grow and so i set aside a pot because i cannot run away from that whether or not you like it in africa brother we are the social security we are the government each and every one of us here even if you like come from a rich home if you don't you come from a rich home you don't have responsibilities if you have a driver you will child is sick and they cannot afford it because you know they can't afford it you will pay for it even your driver is not going to come to work so because you need that service you will pay for it so we don't know you like it we are the social system we so we can't run away from it we have a responsibility to people around us that's because we are children of god and we must take care god is not going to throw um the money down from the sky and secondly because it's what responsible people do yeah so the other side budget and then when the bond the that fund is exhausted that month i move you to the next month or i move you to my next revenue never revenue stream that's what i do awesome i i do have one question in here um so she's saying i know someone who works in the church and she wants to go for a burial and her boss told her she can't how does one set boundaries so this kind of thing doesn't happen so when you when you have difficult asks um from your bosses things that are just inhumane or you think they are inhumane or you feel like you know this company doesn't align with my values essentially that's what i hear that i'm interpreting a little bit so you tell me um what your response would be okay what i don't like answering questions without the full context and i'll tell you why because if you dig deeper right whose burial is it who's burial how many times has this person been to a burial that year how many times and if it's you i mean um whoever the person put the question is ask yourself real questions how many barriers have you been to don't be like one one um housekeeper i had who said her father died trying to go for a bear i said no problem gave her what we wanted to give her off she went three years later we needed her to come and um backfield for someone for a temporary period and she said she was going for her father's funeral and when i yeah i thought he buried that i died three years ago she said no auntie family problem or family problem do you know that we are calling amongst the family some people could not come back so we couldn't bring my father is now we want to bury him yes now when you're putting on top of the light i say plenty something so just take it okay you took it from the one side now you want to take it from the other side the other side so the other side let us assume that this is a person that is actually close to you and you're supposed to go for the burial now let me speak to leaders in this room right because the truth is that this person she's describing is one of us can be one of us and we come on these sessions and remove ourselves as though we are not the people can we learn to apply um empathy empathy empathy is a real thing right empathy is very critical we need to learn to apply empathy you cannot always apply the rule book i know i'm so by day i'm a human capital executive and so we we live by policies and procedures however you must get to the place where you must be able to make some exceptions for extenuating circumstances even if the person is not entitled to leave for whatever reason and they've lost somebody that is dear to them maybe instead of five days you can tell them two days let them figure out how to do that right now for the person yes now for the person who's on the receiving end of that the truth is that you can't set boundaries when somebody says no when they have um control quote-unquote over your time and those are some of the limitations of paid employment so you need to be asking yourself when you're choosing places to work for will this place align with my values what is their culture like how do they treat the people that work there because let me tell you something you cannot squeeze apple juice out of orange you can't so what else is he's gonna go on a grand pig go and appeal to them and trust that the human sympathy will touch their hearts to let you go the african nurse i love this i love this so much so she's asking and i guess this is to both of us how can you be reached to bring the boundary movement so if you want to use the right hashtag use hashtag the boundaries movement to my community of leaders because we are not doing we are not doing nothing again where foolish virgins are accusing the wise virgins of hoarding of not being their brother's keeper what did the bible say no why not do nothing anymore whether in business in marriage in family it doesn't matter where we have boundaries we are even in your country in your city you know as a good citizen have boundaries what is going on so and this message is for leaders because the culture of the leader will be perpetrated throughout an organization and that's what um which is sharing right now some of the best lessons we learned we learned it as a consequence something like scope creep if you talk from nothing tomorrow somebody won't hear until they actually have to pay for scope creep when you pay for scope creep nobody will teach it again you fully understand it so um if you reach out to me d send me a dm umbrella there on um on instagram and uche i can also bring you che we attacked him in look at me and violated which is boundaries i don't know if she's available on this topic you have permission to validate my boundaries for the boundaries movement because oh my gosh you know part of my bias i usually say that the family i come from has given me an unfair advantage in life and when i say unfair he's on the good side i have too much goodness i grew up in a home where if my father is asking my mom for something say please could you um and then my mom will say thank you you understand even children when they are talking to us is with honor is we respect doesn't mean that they didn't flock also sorry they don't vlog these days it doesn't mean they didn't discipline us but do you understand they were they were um conscientious enough or at least they cared about those values to communicate it and i had to give a huge shout out to the anna chambers in the house in the house mommy thank you i love you those of you who have been enjoying them please can you put yeah and put it in the chat look at my mommy would you hear me juice book is coming out early next year all things are possible even christmas i don't know but i just want you to be on the lookout that's a one day i'll bring mommy up she's going to speak to you daddy is here as well i see you bambi i see you alright he's here oh that hi hi dad are you seeing him so even if your own family didn't work out like that you have the ability you have the opportunity to create your family culture right now um i have one more question for you how do i set boundaries in an eight to five in order to deliver tasks i have i have to put in extended hours and sometimes weekends okay so when you're working at eight to five job so let me tell you what i do and i've done that my entire career and it's helped me i started off like you i used to work old i was that bimbo that that idiom i spoke about at the beginning in fact i'm wondering if it was misha was referring to i would work all hours of the day at night through the night to the next day again until the point that you you get sick and the business still carries on if something happens to you even when they are doing a minute of silence there will still be people checking whether somebody likes their instagram posts okay so what i do is that when i look at a piece of work any task my brain immediately goes into the quickest way to get that thing done so hear me quickest way i didn't say longest way you don't want to show workings that oh i work very hard quickest way thank god we live in times and seasons where the google is our friend there are thousands of free resources out there everything that you're looking for there's a free resource for it's out there there's a quick automation tool there's a tutorial on something there's a way many times people spend hours days doing work that they can do in minutes or hours so you want to start to look for ways to quickly optimize the work that you do right that means going outside of your normal so sometimes you might spend a longer time to get something done once once you've done that the next time you have to do it your processes are like this on a daily basis when i see a task i don't rush to it i look at it and i'm thinking of the quickest way to get it done not just for that time but for the next time to come so yeah so it is sustainable so i'm always creating templates if something is repeated process i'm going to create a template around it if something requires a lot of data input i'm going to create a way to map the data in a way there's always a way you can optim um automate your work to get it done very quickly right so that you can actually gain back some of your time and then please say no no it's not a swear word it is not it's not no it's not a swear word if it's outside of the agreed goals um your you know objectives that have been set yes you want to demonstrate that you're a team player but you can say to them you know what i can't take this particular one on or can i take it on afterwards when i'm done with the key critical things so the concept of vital few better trivial many always differentiate your work into the vital few vessels the trivial many that's in the chat somebody please many times we get stuck in the trivia many and we don't have the time and the creativity to do the vital few that's it that's it we is done day one is a wrap guys how was that just tell me those of you been listening are almost a hundred of you here i need to see it in the chat how has today been for you as today been for you thank you so much uche i really do honor you i had a family on here for two sessions how awesome is that so um thank you thank you thank you so much thank you all right so y'all who are left here we are wrapping up today you were here for almost five hours so many of you wow and wendy's telling me this has been quite um eye-opening please put it in the chat i want to know how has today been um lantry said amazing day i think korea says awesome is an understatement really amazing they're hot hot hot they're real hot oh nothing but hot explosive because something has to shift you explode when you want something to move you explode it thank you uche all right um i love everything i heard atop thank you so much for that um yeah so boundaries and everything very necessary yeah so that's how today has been as an experience so you just sit down and think now how will tomorrow be because today you can say oh i don't want to be an entrepreneur tomorrow you can i mean you can also say oh i don't want to ja you can say many things about today but what about tomorrow if you are married where can you go where can you hide family that is one of that is the hardest those are the hardest boundaries to set so you want to be here if you think today was mind-blowing if you think you've gained new knowledge you don't be here tomorrow yeah they say that the things that will make your ears tingle that's what you will hear yes i don't can't wait awesome nina i'll go thank you so much uh for thanking us pelia i love your name value packed a shift has happened tell me talk i said you understand so if truly truly truly truly you got all this value and you know what what's very humbling for me today is that i see some of our speakers still here when your speakers start listening to other speakers that means that that conference is truly impactful because we are learning from every single person i don't say tomorrow is going to be hard now i begin to wonder is he had good good heart help me oh thank you mommy really well spent day all right so i just says thank you for convening this so i want you to go to any social media you use see yeah sometimes when i'm when i do have what to say when i i cannot be typing fast enough i just do a voice note or i do a video do it on your stories do it on a video send it to me tag me tag us we are starting a movement put hashtag the boundaries movement put it in the chat hashtag the boundaries movement so that when you are going tonight you can go look at all your i call ourselves boundaries bodies we are a community boundaries body so that next time somebody is not understanding the boundary you are setting you can look for one of your boundaries bodies and commiserate because you can't be moved you can't be shaken no and we're going to carefully curate this community so anyway we see ourselves well like high five bro high five six says you're doing good yes my oil has finished but what you did was great you know people that will celebrate you for what is happening netflix can't stand this summit no no it can't stand beside we're going to put focus where focus is i mean where's netflix going there's a problem if you are watching netflix so that you can miss things like this there's a boundaries problem because you can't set boundaries around your development it's a problem so i see coachella in the chat when she talks about the balanced marriage tomorrow your eye it will pop so on la paju faith we want to make sure that we have the exact right um hashtag it is the boundaries movement the boundaries movement it's not my fault my father is an english professor so and then i wanted to make sure that nobody else has the hashtag before they come out say we have crossed their boundaries they copyrighted it and things so i didn't see the boundaries movement that's what we're going to use the boundaries movement thank you deborah um deborah so go ahead and put it in your chat do a video guys if you are asking me say about that somebody said that they must pay me if you really really truly want to pay me do that if you can do it live with one of your friends that you are here say babe let's discuss bro let's discuss what was this thing that happened yesterday do it it is for the movement because all of us have to be free and if only one of us have knowledge guess what everybody else will pull it would be crap syndrome we'll pull each other down so we're all moving together okay and lastly my book a line in the sand guys you know things that you wish that somebody wrote for you this conference i wish that i had it this book i wish that somebody wrote it for me so i went right ahead and wrote it and if you look down here it said stories of boundaries in marriage and it has 14 stories because we can't be talking how many of you heard remembered uh binbot's story from ij those are the kinds of things you want to hear so like i say hey this is what it looks like you know ij was giving uh ucha was giving a story did he you want to hear stories so that you can recognize these things as they happen go get the book chidima will share for me the amazon link um if you're um outside of nigeria you want to go on amazon if you're in nigeria you can go on salad or co let me put it in there slash a lit book and finally if you haven't registered i don't fully understand okay finally before this finally you can get it on okada books it's ridiculous it's 750 on okada books look my publishers were like no this book should be at least 2 000 it should be at least three thousand i said no this is specifically i'm doing this for students specifically for students to be able to get their hands this is hard copy cover is really pretty if you look inside it has pictures it even has a bookmark inside so i understand everyone might not be able to um afford this um one of the things that ddk said over here she said bralade has undress stigmas fears questions love life and wisdom i believe the biggest gift might be the healing that the truth will bring to you you will feel seen understood and loved this is an unput downable work of art type of art scripted delicately with brilliant suspense so deep writing and love look i feel like it's not me you understand i feel like it's somebody else fella durotoya the one you know says brother is an amazing storyteller an exceptional communicator we need more books like these to shed light on topics that are pivotal in supporting healthy marriages and family values for transgenerational impact this is not just us it's for everybody okay um the fact that we get to read these stories through a rich cultural lens makes it all the more refreshing and relatable thank you all so much i love you huh we'll be we'll be talking okay uh all right somebody wants to host the after party you can look for us on ig we'll be there someone say i'm so beautiful like what's going on people is this my mirror am i feeling myself no we're focused the boundaries movement be here tomorrow share this with all the groups you are in stop sharing and chinese rights that is plastic share things and empower okay we're not here to play we're not playing again no it's hot hot from henceforth all right if you have questions bring it in for me we'll be here bright and early 4pm gmt plus one that's west african time same thing with british time and then two p sorry that will be 10 a.m central time for those of us in texas see you be square and talk to you later see you tomorrow this is not goodbye this is see you tomorrow okay thank you too much to all of you saying thank you i would say thank you this thing will be on on youtube please tell me thank you because you can watch it again and again tell me thank you please let me know that because they are trying to toast about that remove me would you pay for it this is an ordinary type of knowledge no it'll be here that means if you don't watch it before tomorrow don't ask questions watch it watch send it to people as well send it to your people in your community all right i wish there were music thank you so so i see you tommy tucker is okay and coyo of life she's been here from the start i think tomorrow i'll do prices how about that so be here so so natasha chinwell be beautiful photo i love you uh chinese i'm just loving i'm making new friends can you see it's okay i say it's great summit oh i became thank you so much as well i love you value pack from beginning to end yes my my life has also been transformed tom brad said the replay will only will be available for only one week you guys better beg her because she says she's my she's my boss t for thanks thank you bridget thank you rahima thank you for being here fellow amazon bestseller or luck but you faith can we talk about fallout day the genius we see you so so why won't i mention your name we're best friends now remember me are you now we're rolling boundaries buddies anytime you see each other anywhere be like my boundaries but yeah what's up hey chrissy i see you wendy greg jay ij wacuche yes i can be here tomorrow there'll be a giveaway i'll i'll be giving away three of these books and even if i give it away i know you'll still buy for someone else so it's okay um see you tomorrow sunderland jakku oh my gosh i have some solid people solid watching from cape town that is so great well faith don't just tell me here i want to see it on your story i want to see it on your post remember to tag me at i umbrella day i'll be reposting every single one and reading every single one it has cost time money effort and other people's times if i put all our speakers together the accumulative amount to speak at the conference like this would be over 20 000 but it is all coming to you for free it has taken some capital it takes it takes a whole team i've had elizabeth you see all the emails you're getting they're on it elizabeth banker egyro chessa i've had some awesome people belu i tom so many people volunteering just being here helping um the content mom yesterday thank you timmy taylor tamil lua all of you see you later bye for now okay the sisterhood what am i doing my sisterhood i've you seen them in the chat a beer a liari tombra ij chrissy i see all of you nobody's even joking anyway all right bye guys pros will then know i see you pelaya joy keegan ah if you guys don't stop i won't stop okay i'll stop now okay bye

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Length: 322min 9sec (19329 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 24 2021