- [Jessica] "You know what? Christopher Columbus has never been here. I'm the first non-native
to come across this land. And not just that..." (hums) (dramatic orchestral music) - Hello. My name's Brendan Walsh. And today we're going to be
talking about the Santa Bandits. Our story starts in 1927 in the days leading up to Christmas. Marshall Ratliff got out
of jail and he's like, "I'm out of jail, time
to rob another bank. But I need help, so I'm gonna
get this guy, Ed Helms." - [Derek] Oh, from "The Hangover." - This guy, Henry Helms! "I'm gonna get Henry
Helms and Robert Hill." And they rope in Helms's
brother-in-law, Lewis Davis, and Ratliff says, "Help
us rob this bank at Cisco. And Ratliff's afraid he's
gonna get recognized. He goes, "I want to disguise myself. Hey, it's Christmas!" So they steal this Buick
and they arrive in Cisco on the morning of December 23rd. Ratliff gets out of the
car, he's dressed as Santa, and gets mobbed by kids. - You see Santa, kids are
gonna come towards you. - Kids want to see you! You're like the Justin
Beaver of the times. - Yeah. - And he's a bank robber, but he's like, "Okay, I gotta go. Santa's gotta make a deposit, kids." So after that, he goes into the bank. He doesn't even say anything and the tellers are like, "Santa's here!" And then Hill, Helms, Davis, all bust in with their guns a-blazing. They go, "Hey, all
right, everybody shut up! We're robbing this place." Santa-Ratliff gets $12,400 in cash and $150,000 in bonds. Santa's like, "Yes!" But this lady, Mrs. Blassengame, goes into the bank and
(beep) loses her shit. She's like (screams), so she runs out screaming her head off. (imitates screaming) - I love that Duncan
Trussell is this woman. - Hey! Terence McKenna predicted this bank was gonna be robbed, man! (both laughing) So then the whole town, they
hear her running up and down, just (imitates screaming), and at this time, the Texas
Bank Association was like, "Well, we're offering $5,000 for anybody who shoots a bank robber
doing a bank robbery." And the whole town is
like, "We could use $5,000! That's a lot of money back now!" So everybody grabbed their guns 'cause an angry mom's about to- Angry mom's about to form. So they go into the bank
while the robbery's going. And then, just, everybody
just starts shooting. (imitating gunfire) Customers are getting shot,
a guy gets shot in the leg, so the Santa Bandits, they're like, "Why everybody shooting us?" "Get into the alley! 'Cause that's where the Buick is." But everybody keeps shooting! A Bandit gets shot, the bank president gets shot, everybody's going nuts. All right, So the Santa Bandits, they grab these two young
girls as human shields to get into their Buick and
get the (beep) out of there. So Santa's driving the car,
and he looks at the gas gauge and he goes, "What the- We're (beep) almost out of gas!" - [Derek] What a bunch of idiots. - And they're like, "We
drove a hundred miles from Wichita falls and we
didn't get gas in 1927!" They see this Oldsmobile and they're like, "Give us your Oldsmobile," and he leaves. Helms gets shot. They're like, "Come on,
put all the money in here and get Davis in there." And they get in the Oldsmobile
and then they realize, "(beep), the keys!" So they're like, "Well, we can't (beep) do anything with this." So then they get back into the Buick and they leave Davis there, poor sap. He's (beep). And they're like, "Well, that sucks." And then they're like, "Oh shit! We left the money in that
car, too, in the Oldsmobile!" And they're like- (burps) What's it mean when you're
swallowing too much? - Good question. (laughs) - [Brendan] So they're trying
to cross the Brazos river, but they get ambushed and
they shoot Ratliff six times. So Helms and Hill just give themselves up and Ratliff survives. So the townsfolk are
out there, they're like, "We've had it with this guy," and they put a noose around his neck. They're like, "We're
gonna publicly lynch you 'cause we've had it with your shit." And he's just like, "Hey, I got an idea. Forgive me!" And then they're like,
"All right, nah, nah, nah." And then they (beep) hang him! And he's croaked. These guys (beep) up, because back then, it was so easy to get away with crimes. They were stupid! (laughs) - Hi, I'm Jessica Meraz, and today, we're gonna be
talking about Juan Ponce de Leon. Or as white people call
him, Ponce de Leon, Juan Ponce de Leon is a Spanish explorer. King Ferdinand is like,
"You know what, Ponce? I dig you. You've done a really great job, and in honor of your service to Spain, I'm gonna send you over to Puerto Rico to be the governor." So Ponce de Leon's like, "Okay, cool." He goes to Puerto Rico
and he sees the people, he's like, "Love you, you guys are cool," sees the the land, is like,
"Oh my God, it's bountiful and it's awesome!" So... (laughs) - [Derek] It's kicking in. (laughs) - Okay. So back in Spain, (sings dramatic music) Diego Columbus is there. He's Christopher Columbus's eldest son, and he is like rich kid dickface. And he's like, "You know
what, King Ferdinand? You owe me (beep). You told my dad he's
supposed to have control over all the West Indies and
everything that he explored." And the King is like,
"(beep) you, my man, Ponce, who is, like, a good dude is
taking care of Puerto Rico. I don't care who your dad is, but, like, shut the (beep) up." So he goes and he finds the King's cousin. Her name was Maria Alvarez de Toledo. - Can you give it to me again? - Maria Alvarez de Toledo. - [Derek] That's super fast. - [Jessica] Maria Alvarez de Toledo. - [Derek] Wait, one at a time. - [Jessica] Maria. - [Derek] Maria. - [Jessica] Alvarez. - [Derek] Alvarez. - [Jessica] De.
- [Derek] De. - [Jessica] Toledo.
- [Derek] Toledo. - [Jessica] Okay. So he seduces this chick, and marries her, and
basically blackmails the King. And he's like, "You know
what, King Ferdinand? Make me the Viceroy of
the entire West Indies, which includes Puerto Rico,
and the governor of Hispaniola, which is the Island just
west of Puerto Rico." And King Ferdinand has no
choice, his hands are tied. So in 1509, Diego Columbus
goes over to Hispaniola, plunders all the
resources, is a huge dick, brings over a slew of
white chicks from Spain, is like, "Oh, for my Spanish conquistador fellow army men, like, (groans) you know. Take your pick, you can (whistles) with whatever chick you want to." And his buddies, Juan Ceron
and Miguel Diaz, are over and he's like, (speaks Spanish) - What did he just say? - Let's have some drinks,
let's have a good time, let's party, man. - Very cool. - So then they go and it's
like, "Yeah, party island!" And he turns Hispaniola
into, like, a frat boy party. (electronic music) (air horn blaring) (laughs) (sighs) So he's like, "You know what? You guys, go over there,
take over Puerto Rico, it's supposed to be mine anyway. (beep) Ponce de Leon." So he's doing whatever he
wants over in Hispaniola while just one island
over, in Puerto Rico, Ponce de Leon is, like,
skipping around with the people. He's like, "Hey, what's up?" And they're like, "Hey, Poncey!" Ceron And Diaz go over to Puerto Rico and kick Ponce de Leon out of power and are like, "We're in charge now." They're barbaric, they're
enslaving the people, being super douches. So Ponce de Leon is like, "I can't witness my
people just being, like, totally treated (beep) like this." So he gathers up some of his Spanish men and he's like, "You know what? Let's (beep) chain these (beep) and send them back to Spain." And King Ferdinand is like,
"The (beep) are you doing? I get it, these guys are assholes, but you don't have the power to do that!" So Juan Ceron and Miguel Diaz go back to Puerto Rico,
and Ponce de Leon's like, "King Ferdinand, fine. If I can't have Puerto Rico, there's this other island to
the north, west a little bit. that is just as full gold and the land is just as bountiful." And he says, "Okay, go do your thing." So Ponce de Leon's like,
"All right, sweet." So it takes them a couple of months and he gets together a ship and a group of Spaniards. In 1513, he sets sail
in the wide open waters of the Atlantic ocean
for this mystery island. A month later, he sees land. As he sees it, he
realizes, "You know what? Christopher Columbus has never been here. I'm the first non-native
to come across this land. And not just that..." (hums) (laughs) I lost it. So he shows up and he's like, "Oh my God, I'm the first non-indigenous person to show up on this land," sets down the Spanish flag,
unrolls it, and is like, "I hereby proclaim this
land as being Spanish and I call it La Florida." And there he's left to
make this land his own 'til the end of time. (both sigh) - (beep) history. - Hello. Today, we're gonna talk about
the caning of Charles Sumner. In the middle of the 1800s, Kansas is up for whether or not it's
gonna be a slave state or a free state. Charles Sumner is a senator,
an anti-slavery radical, and Charles Sumner gives a speech entitled "The Crime against Kansas." He basically says Kansas being raped by the perpetuators of slavery who want it to be a slave state. Then he starts making personal attacks. He says, "Oh, Andrew
Butler, South Carolina? Who's normally sits next to me,
but uh-oh, you had a stroke. You are not here. Guess what, you are a (beep) pimp for the prostitute of slavery." Oh, you know who's in
the chamber that day? Preston Brooks,
representative, South Carolina, Andrew Butler's second cousin, he's like, "This dude is (beep) slandering my state! He's slandering my family!" He says, uh... (blows raspberry) "The Southern code of honor, I can't let that (beep)
just (beep) transpire. What am I gonna do? I can't challenge him to a duel
because only gentlemen duel and Charles Sumner's no gentlemen! Oh (beep), I was just given a brand new 11 and a half ounce gutta
perchas cane with a gold head. I'll beat him with them." May 22nd, 1856. He walks down the aisle of the senate, he's five (beep) feet from Charles Sumner, and he looks up and realizes, there's a lady in the
chamber and he's like, "Aw (beep), can't beat Charles
Sumner in front of a lady," and he sits down across the aisle, he leaves, he's like, "I'm
not about to do this thing," and everyone is like,
"You gotta do the thing," and he walks back in. (beep) Charles Sumner, he's near sighted, He's like, "(groans) That's all blurry." (beep) (beep) Preston Brooks is like,
"I read your speech twice and guess what, it's a (beep)
libel against South Carolina and it's a libel against Andrew Butler, and guess what, he's a
(beep) cousin of mine!" And whap! Beats him so hard on the
(beep) top of the head that he goes blind. Laurence Keitt comes in,
"Let them be," he said, All told, Brooks beat Sumner over the head 30 (beep) times with his cane. Charles Sumner is bloody,
beaten, but he doesn't die. The North is like, "What the (beep)," the South is like, "Yeah,
that's how we does!" Preston Brooks is an immediate celebrity! Charleston merchants buy him a cane inscribed with the words, "hit him again," and he's like, "I was defending my state. Eat a (beep). Which dick? This dick." (laughs) Y'all (beep) worry about it, this water's been on the drum. By 1858, Sumner, he's,
like, still (beep) up. he can't walk, he meets Dr. Brown-Sequard, he lights fire cotton on his back, he's like, "Oh, pain
moves around your body. (sings gibberish) Guess what? I don't know anything." And every time Charles
Sumner's like, "(screams) Every bit of anger, every
bit of pain that I feel, I will return to the
perpetuators of slavery 10,000 times, (beep) slavery!" And in 1860, he finally
gets to give a speech on the floor of the
senate after he returns! Called "The Barbarism of
Slavery" in which he says, "Say that you own the sun,
say that you own the moon, say that you own the stars, but don't say to you own a man, because when the (beep) sun, and
moon, and stars have died, a man's soul will live on forever." The moral of the story is you should fight for what you believe in. And if what you believe in is that human beings are human beings, then you should fight to
your death to defend (burps) that because slavery is (beep). - Hello. Today, we're talking
about Kris Kristofferson. (Derek laughs) Kris Kristofferson got incredible grades and he was a Rhodes scholar, and then he was trained as an army ranger to fly helicopters. His platoon commander
knew someone in Nashville that worked for Johnny Cash. "We can get you in free to a
show at the Grand Ole Opry." "Yeah, I'll love it. Let's do it." So Kris takes a one-week
leave and watches Johnny Cash. He felt the power and energy because that's what Johnny Cash did. Kris felt transfixed, "My
God, this is my hero." And Kris said in that moment
that he was thunderstruck. And then Johnny Cash walked off, and Johnny Cash walked
over and shook his hand. "Oh, Holy (beep), this is my hero and he just came up to me
and connected with me." So Kris says, "You know
what, I'm gonna quit this," and he quits the army, and he
moves to Nashville, Tennessee with the idea of becoming
a great singer/songwriter. Finally, a job opens up of being a janitor at Columbia Records, and then his mother writes him a letter. "Your hero, Johnny Cash, is a drug addict, and of course he sings at
San Quentin Folsom right now because a jailbird sings to jailbirds. So we have now officially disowned you. We hope somehow you come to your senses 'cause you're not a songwriter. Sorry Kris, you're done." And he felt like a giant
failure, he's a (beep) janitor. And then one day, Johnny Cash comes in. He's like, "Who in the
world is in there right now changing the ashtrays with those brown- With the incredible blue eyes?" "Well, that's Kris." "Who is he?" "His mom just disowned him
because you're his hero." And Kris was in there
changing the ashtrays and Johnny Cash comes in and says, "Well, it's always nice to get a letter from home, ain't it?" And Kris can't believe it. He's like, "Yeah," but they bonded over it because he was passionate
and he had his dream. "I'm gonna quit all this and I want to pursue an artist's life." So he quit. Kris is starving. He has no money, he's
now writing these songs. And then Kris, he's so
frustrated, and he has one song about that feeling to be on a Sunday when the bar isn't open, and it's called "Sunday
Morning Coming Down." It's that feeling of loneliness and nobody believing in you but you, and wishing, Lord, that I was stoned 'cause there ain't nothing on a Sunday. Makes a body feel alone. "Sunday Morning Coming
Down" was the song Kris knew was something special. "How can I get my song to
Johnny Cash and make an impact?" So, according to Johnny, Kris landed a helicopter in his lawn to give him this song. "Some fool's landing in
our yard with a helicopter, right out of the sky." He really listened to the song and the song went to the
next level for Johnny because he understood it,
he understood the isolation, and loneliness, and wishing
Lord that he was stoned. Excuse me. - You're fine. (burps) - [Eric] So at that time,
Johnny Cash was recording his own variety show for ABC. So Johnny said to Kris,
"Hey, we're gonna do 'Sunday Morning Coming Down' right now," and then went through
a runthrough the song. "On a Sunday morning sidewalk, wishing, Lord, that I was stoned." Well, he did it one time and the ABC censors came
up and said, "Uh, Johnny, great song, but we
actually can't, in any way, put on the lyrics, 'wishing,
Lord, that I was stoned' because it's clearly an
allusion to marijuana, and it's in the country tradition, you can do something about alcohol, but marijuana is a no-go." "You have to change that. Wishing, Lord, I was home?" "I wrote it 'wishing,
Lord, that I was stoned' because I wished I was stoned." So when it comes time to
record the song in that show, they put Kris way up in
the rafters 'cause he was, on the fringes, man. So the song starts, and he's like, "On a Sunday morning sidewalk," And then his gaze goes right up to Kris in the very back row, he's like, "Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned! Because there's something in the sidewalk makes a body feel alone." And Kris said he felt his heart warm. "God bless," you know. "My song is on TV!" And it meant the world to Kris 'cause his hero did right by him. Once Johnny Cash says it's cool, well, everybody wants to
record Kristofferson's song. Waylon Jennings, Joni Mitchell,
James Taylor, Janis Joplin, Kris Kristofferson became the
biggest star in the world, truly, in 1976, and it's been forgotten. He was the biggest star
in the world at the time. Kris was huge!
