The 5 STEPS To Unlock The POWER OF YOUR MIND Today! | Peter Crone & Rangan Chatterjee

it is one of the greatest precursors to sickness to volatility there's a disharmony to discontent every problem anybody has as far as i'm concerned belongs to the idea of themselves if i can see wow the reason my relationship doesn't work the reason i have a health issue the reason i don't seem to get acknowledged in the workplace or make the money i feel i deserve is because i feel fundamentally somehow inadequate and then to ask yourself [Music] if you don't take care of what's going on the subconscious of people's minds at best the term i use is you're going to be the the the greatest version of your limited self now if you really get that statement it's very profound right so you you're stuck within the parameters of your blind spots right these beliefs of inadequacy insecurity and scarcity which to me are universal they're primal they're very deep then we develop survival mechanisms adaptations compensations and then on top of that our physiology is going to just by natural cascade reflect whatever's going on internally which is as you know as a doctor usually a mild state of fight or flight sympathetic nervous system cortisol adrenaline noradrenaline that whole storm of hormones that really is doing us a disservice it's affecting people's sleep and weight gain all of the things that people are dealing symptomatically on the surface to me are a byproduct of the fact that human beings currently are designed to survive everything is a potential perceived threat whether it's being what your boss is going to say or your spouse is going to say or your parents are going to say or am i gonna be able to pay rent or am i gonna be okay in the future am i gonna realize my dreams am i ever gonna quit smoking am i ever gonna lose weight all of these sort of unanswerable questions inspire this internal sort of fight and battle that people have that to me is the dis-ease the absence of ease that then manifests over time into some physical symptoms so that's why i get super passionate about this because you can do all the work externally and it's not a knock on your industry and thank god you listen you know that's why you're making the difference you are because if you don't address what's going on mentally and emotionally for somebody at best you're just making the window dressing look good while the back of the shop is just on fire and i guess you know we are in prime territory for that aren't we we're in the heart of santa monica which is you know potentially the wellness capital of the world and there's a lot of people walking around there who look good look good is definitely one of the greatest products of this town yeah and again it doesn't mean that they're not good on the inside but i would bet that many of them have sacrificed their inner sense of well-being and satisfaction in that external pursuit of what they consider to be physical health yes yeah well because human beings are designed fundamentally as far as i'm concerned to be loved and accepted which we're seeking belonging you know this is this is primal universal psychology we want to fit in so one of the means by which we believe we fit in is based on our appearance right like so for the man to sort of as a stereotypical archetype of a man is to be strong and to be fast and nowadays to be wealthy and for the woman is really to be beautiful and pretty and sexy and you see this just on instagram accounts you know like how many guys are there with their shirts off and how many women are there displaying you know their latest bikini outfit for the umpteenth time so none of it's wrong but if you understand what are the underlying motivators it's really a human being individualized thinking that they are separate and that their ultimate accomplishment is to feel love and acceptance from their environment what most people don't understand is if i'm seeking love and acceptance from others what i'm actually saying and reinforcing is that i'm not loved and accepted inherently and therein lies the survival the disease and the exhaustion that people are dealing with so it's cliche but what i'm helping people find is complete comfort in their own skin total self-love and acceptance and that to me is real health and real success yeah i mean i completely agree um it's interesting that sometimes when i talk about these topics on this podcast um it's not quite the same thing but i swear to gabor mate a little while ago um i don't know if you know gabor's work but it's absolutely i i'm sort of a big fan of gabon what he's doing these things for many people can be quite challenging um most people i think loved that podcast yeah some people didn't yeah i think my my perception on that would be that sometimes things are too close to the bone that we're not ready to hear yeah um i know there would be in various stages in my life why i possibly couldn't hear that yeah but you know and that's what evolution is right that's how we change uh depending on life experiences um but i do agree with you that the health of your mind your subconscious mind in particular yeah is critical for even if what we think we're looking for is physical well-being i don't really think you can have physical well-being without that mental well-being i'm not sure it's possible and you know i was telling you just before we started this um so obviously you've been out here for for a number of years um my first tv series uh doctor in the house when i went to live alongside people who had chronic illness chronic complaints that usually they were under their gp and often a specialist as well right they were on multiple medications yet they were still not doing well which is why they wanted help i have reflected so much on what i managed to help these patients achieve yeah um which is pretty much get all of them better some completely better some significantly better yeah one one of the ladies was on 20 pills a day she had eight diagnoses yeah she couldn't work anymore she couldn't be with her family you know she'd been to specialists in six weeks i got a pain free and reduced her medication down significantly yeah two years on now she's on zero medication amazing right and i've reflected on no matter what the condition was whether it was type 2 diabetes whether it was fibromyalgia whether it was anxiety whether it was sleep problems relationship problems hormonal issues actually what did i do yes i address four core areas of their lifestyle food movements but equally important sleep and relaxation yeah but i but i realized the ones who really owned their problem and broke free from it were the ones where the mental outlook changed when there was a shift so yeah what what intrigues me is that you mentioned the the subconscious mind yeah okay so there will probably be people listening to this yeah who are thinking well i know my own minds i know what i think uh what does peta mean yeah when he talks about the subconscious mind okay great question i just want to on the coattails of what you shared just a couple of bits of feedback you said like it's a real shift in perspective and one of my quotes which i think sends a nice context we're about to talk to is by marcel proust and he said that the journey of true discovery lies not in finding new lands but in looking through new eyes so it's one of my favorite quotes because really my work is about shifting perspective because there's a quote i think it was by wayne dyerby so when you change the way you look at things the things you look at change yeah and we can get into quantum physics and the observer effects et cetera et cetera so subconscious mind to me is sort of as human beings we've got different levels of programming we could say right now everybody knows about the genome or if they don't know about the genome they certainly know about chromosomes or dna everybody's heard about dna nobody is going to be on the streets going you know what my eyes like yours are very dark brown my minor light light blue or gray we can't go you know what tomorrow or over the weekend i'm going to shift my eye color most people would think that was preposterous right they understand yet that expression is because of the way that your code or your dna is expressing itself physiologically right your height i mean you're like what six five six six six six and a half yeah okay now that wasn't your choice right that is by virtue of the dna i'm six three six three and a bit of change right so that's one part that people understand then there's different tiers of conditioning you could argue at the more superficial level somebody who walks into a coffee shop one of the parts of their conditioning is somebody goes for you know a cappuccino but somebody goes for a chai latte it's more superficial and they get to change that more readily they might go oh you know i'm with somebody and they actually don't drink coffee so i'm going to have a mint tea because out of respect or something so that was a relatively easy change so we can start to see there's this sort of this hierarchy of programming but it's a form of conditioning so much closer to the dna i would say the subconscious is deep programming that i would assert is both universal and it's primal meaning there is this survival instinct of a human being and so those codes which to me exist in language were formed in our childhood so the first time that you found out that not being you was not enough right so for a baby a baby isn't conscious of what what are you thinking about me it's not there's not that self concern or worry for what other people's interpretation is of your behavior so a baby will literally being maybe being held they've been fed and they'll throw up down someone's back because it's just what they're doing they're like oh god i look like an idiot all right and they don't care if the dress and the dress is a gucci it that none of that has been installed into their programming of these social norms and how you're supposed to behave or be polite so but the first time when we're young usually you know around one and a half two three when we can understand words maybe we get scolded a little bit doesn't have to be physical it could be just hey stop that that's bad or you did that wrong and there's this first sense of being me is no longer enough i now have to behave in a certain way in order to keep getting the love the support the security of my my archetypes of male and female which is mom and dad usually and so that's when we start to create our subconscious patterns of like oh i have to act in a certain way in order to stay part of this tribe called my family or it could be a community it could be my school and so now we start to get slowly programmed now training the subconscious is amazing because when a baby starts to walk obviously it doesn't come out of the womb and it's like running like you know usain bolt it it takes a minute to develop the central nervous system but you fall over you get up you figure it out and eventually you know by one year one and a half you you can walk pretty pretty convincingly right so but that's now all conditioned you don't have to every morning when you're 30 or 40 or 50 get out better go oh i forgot how to walk i've got to figure that out again it's already programmed so certain parts of the subconscious which are deep code are incredibly useful where we get tripped up and where my work comes in and as pivotal is what are the deep seated programs that are they're self-critical where i feel that i'm not enough or i feel that i'm not loved or i feel that i'm not worth anything these are these insidious pieces of program that people will adapt to so somebody for example who thinks they're not enough might become the perfectionist somebody who thinks they're not valuable could become a people pleaser and then they wonder why they're exhausted or they're never quite accomplishing what they want in life because the actual energetics the frequency you know without getting too esoteric the vibration they're functioning from is the precursor to their thoughts their feelings their behaviors and then their actions there's a natural cascade so if i live in a world as sort of a mental prison if i'm not enough then what i might think is well don't mess this up right i might be conscious of my thought like you said well people will say they know their mind i would assert what you're aware of conscious thinking is not what i'm pointing to conscious thinking arises out of subconscious programming so somebody who fundamentally meaning at the deepest level thinks they're not enough what they might think about is oh there's an attractive person over there a guy or a girl and i want to go over there but why would i they're not going to be interested in me that might be their conscious thought quietly to themselves but it arises from a deeper feeling of they're not worth it so then the actions they take are in this case in action and so they get the results which is they go home alone and they can't find someone again or conversely we adapt to it right we we develop courage or we we try to force our way through it but we might be nervous we get physiological responses damp hands we start sweating we go into that fight or flight response which again is an indicator that i'm coming from a place of inadequacy and fear yeah so i could go on about this obviously for hours because it's very profound i literally i was telling you i was doing a podcast two three days ago with this amazing australian guy very smart traveled the world done a lot of work on himself he was sitting there with incredibly like almost scarlet red rashes around his eyes like a dermatologist i'm not sure it's rosacea it was almost a form of psoriasis but even looking at him it would sort of inspire someone to want to scratch their eyes it just looks so irritating so halfway through the interview god bless him he said i know you obviously understand the power of the mind and how it influences our health and physiology but you're also an ayurvedic practitioner what would you say about what's going on with my eyes so i said well i explained from an ayurvedic perspective the excess heat he's a pitta type meaning fire type um and i said you know there's obviously a bit of toxicity in your blood it affects your eyes your liver where the pitta sits inside of our body pizza is p-i-t-t-a for anyone who doesn't really know what ayurveda is but it's basically heat so he could relate to that and some of the things he was doing in terms of food and distress and alcohol spicy foods will contribute to that heat in our body but i said the thing that i'm picking up most is the emotions and he said go on i said well do you want me to go there because this might be a bit uncomfortable to your point about sometimes you've got to use a bit of tough love and he said no i'm open i said well what i see is there's a lot of hurt in you you're a very sensitive guy but he was built like it's almost a bit of a compensation you know the sort of quintessential scrawny kid who becomes a bodybuilder not to that extreme but there was an element of that involved here and i said you've clearly been hurt well first of all you're human welcome to the game but i can see that you've protected yourself and one of the ways you protect yourself is anger so when people get angry usually it's a survival mechanism against being hurt you if a dog's been hit too many times and you go nearer with a hand of stroke in it growls it's not that it's a bad dog it's just collapsing past conditioning with a potential threat and now it's protecting itself does that make sense 100 yeah so what he realized and i then he started talking about his childhood and it's all it's all on a podcast anyway so he's going to be airing everything but he's talking about his parents separated when he was very young and the impact that had on him and he was talking about how when he grew up he never wanted to mess up like that he wanted to get it right and you could feel the pressure in the fact that he's wanting to avoid what he'd been through so basically like most people he's literally trying to avoid his history which is impossible and futile but in that energetics there's also a massive judgment of his history he's saying what happened was wrong and bad so now he's collecting all of this judgment judgment is like friction which creates more heat so anyway i broke down the whole thing got him to completely reconcile and accept his history there were a lot of tears which was so powerful for the cameras you know makes for great tv but it's also very moving for his audience and so that was that was that some tears anyway he texts me that was about four o'clock in the afternoon three o'clock he went to dinner he said this is unbelievable but to me it was totally physics he said i've come back he said it's not completely gone but it's about 50 already then i saw him the next morning because he wants to come and just me uh somebody works with me at my house and it was probably down to about 10 15 percent of what it was previously now that to me looks like magic and some people may even question it but from my perspective that is shifting the subconscious releasing a lot of deep trauma and emotional that's emotional harm and hurt that's been trapped and and letting that go is one of the most liberating experiences anyone can have and immediately the cascade will affect your physiology whatever your dis-ease is i mean peace i love that story i totally um i don't question it at all actually i i have seen time and time again surprises or what the convention would regard as surprises when looking at people when helping people when helping patients um i do think modern medicine gets a bad rap i i agree with you that body medicine is doing what it is meant to do which has been very good at acute disease yeah frankly i can say this with a lot more uh courage than i could have done a few years ago but we are way off track when it comes to chronic disease yeah um and again why could i not have said that five years ago yeah because i wasn't secure enough in myself i had my own insecurity issues absolutely and as i peel those layers of the onion away yeah it's like you said it's you mentioned prison when you're living in that prison i feel free these days my number one product freedom yeah who doesn't want that the funny thing everybody the funny thing is a lot of people don't know it they don't know it and they don't know that and that's the pushback that is what you're talking about i'm free i'm like you're not nobody is and that's okay but there's degrees of freedom like i use a sliding scale from fear to freedom you know one of my quotes that i've got picked up on a lot actually who you know dear friend drew who introduced us a lot of people recycled the quote that i use quotes it's how i write and that's going to be the format of my book and i'll expand on the quotes but anyway one of the things i said a couple of times during the interview with drew was life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you're not free meaning if you get triggered by anything and triggered all i'm saying is you get upset you get pissed off you get scared wherever there's some kind of emotional response to external stimulus person or event that is showing where you're not okay with the the situation i'm not okay with the situation means i'm scared at some level i feel threatened when you're not threatened you're at peace and that's so freedom and peace and vitality these are all my gifts to people not because i have them to give i would never have that audacity but i do have the gift to remove what's in the way of them being exposed as our inherent nature now that's a powerful thing to people understand i make the distinction between that which is inherent versus that which is inherited so the codes the programs i was talking about in the subconscious and then all the behavioral adaptations they're on top of the freedom that already exists which is your birthright i'm revealing that and to me there is no greater gift a human being can experience yeah 100 agree with that i'm actually tingling hearing you describe that because it is the deepest truth yeah and thank you for the reflection it is one that is one that you know from it's i think we could go down this path in many ways but um it is one of those things isn't it where human beings often need to be presented with adversity yeah before they start going down this journey absolutely um yeah for me listeners have heard me talk about this before but one of the most significant moments in my life is when my father died yeah six and a half years ago and i my whole adult life i moved to back to where i grew up to help look after dad yeah with my mom and my brother beautiful so like a carer for many years yeah and you know when dad died although it was the best thing there's no question my dad was suffering and it was the best thing yeah um you know i suddenly had time right time was something i never had before because yeah i was so busy seven days a week yeah uh you know 12 months a year you know not a day off phone's on 24 hours a day in case it's gonna be cool dad's fallen can you come around pick him up you know so i was living in a in a heightened fight or flight state yeah at all times basically yeah and that is also reflected in some of my behavior around that in terms of what i would do to unwind yeah um yeah but going down this journey has revealed so much to me so you mentioned this idea of perfectionism yeah so my whole life i've probably been a perfectionist i can see that um yeah and i'm interested you know it is powerful but you can probably unpack uh bits of my behavior by the language i'm using yeah and i'm very open to doing that great um but i have been a perfectionist yeah and i think it's driven me to do certain things well but it's also um it's also stopped me from doing other things when i felt i couldn't conquer them and be perfect it's caused undue delay in doing things yeah and then one small part of that as i was going through uh some inner work with someone who now is a very good friend of mine you know we were doing something called ifs internal family systems i'm not sure if you're familiar with it but this thing pops into my head when i was 12 years old yeah and i hadn't thought about this in 20 plus years yeah and i was taken back to secondary school so i went to manchester grammar school this big school about 1200 students yeah um and i was you know i think my friends deserted me like who i thought were my friends yeah i think they just went off and kind of chucked me right um and i was really upset yeah i think i was crying yeah and you know i'm miles away from home i'm in this big school yeah and i sort of go back to my classroom and i sort of morphed into um another group of friends yeah and this came back so clearly so i had not consciously thought about this in 20-plus years and subconscious but it was clear as day in my subconscious and when i went through a process that allowed that to start revealing itself it came up amazing there's a lot more to it but yeah yeah yeah suddenly so many aspects of my life became clear i was like oh my god yeah i get it now you are scared of being rejected you feel that at any point yeah somebody could desert you and leave you so my response is to go above and beyond what i should do be the perfect friend never say what i want yeah be at university with your mates and like where should we go you know which bar which restaurant hey guys you choose i'm cool wherever you go you go somewhere you can't stand you're there there's nothing on the menu you want but hey you know what you know rongan's cool he's like he'll do whatever everyone wants yeah and i thought that was a part of my personality yes but it wasn't it was programming because now that i've cleared that yeah i still have tendencies towards it for sure but i would i would estimate that they are maybe 10 of what they were yeah and it feels freeing it feels amazing yes to be yourself yes so that's one experience i want to share with you amazing and i'd love your view on that the other one it happened just a couple of days ago so i just spent um two days in santa rosa with professor bj fogg who is um he's probably done probably regardless the world's leading researcher in human behavior okay this works incredible and i spent two days at a boot camp with him yeah and with one of the other attendees on the you know when it had finished we were all out for dinner we were chatting about our own stories and i was telling him about some of this uh personal work yeah uh that i'd been on and he was sharing his stories and then i said guys you know what's really interesting for me with my work i have been away at various times over the past few years you know sometimes i come to america for a week to do conferences and i used to always feel guilty right i'd be here and i'd be thinking you know i've left my wife my kids you know i feel guilty i'd be phoning a lot there's nothing inherently wrong with phoning but now that i've sort of moved beyond it i can look back and go you know what i was not at ease i wasn't fully present in what i was doing here yeah half of me wanted to be back home yeah and i didn't consciously do this but this time i've not felt that right i feel very present and very okay with being here yeah i love phoning and chatting and facetiming my kids and my wife of course there's no emotional charge there yes like there used to be yeah yeah so i feel like i have shed more layers i feel that i have grown and i am becoming more present what does peter crow and the minor case i think i think puzzle it's amazing it's a beautiful gift both you know to your audience listening because people will get something just i don't know if you've shared some of this before i'm assuming yeah but not but not all of it and i hope so that's why i share yeah so that's beautiful i think it's amazing for you obviously it's very liberating is what i hear right there's a sense of freedom there's this epiphanies that you've had or at least two significantly uh way more that's way more but that's just for the two that you shared yeah uh i think it's uh gift your children because you know these these tendencies are inherited right uh i often say kids will rarely succeed at listening to you you know to the parents but they will always succeed at becoming you and so if your energetics in the way that you behave the way that you speak the belief systems you have they will adopt them by virtue of the fact that as humans we want to as i said earlier belong we want to be loved and accepted so just as you were using the perfect example if you're going to a bar or a college you would acquiesce your own personal desires in order to be able to feel you belong and fit into the gang why because as human beings looking through the lens of separation we are uh most scared of not being part of the tribe because fundamentally these universal principles if you are kicked out of the gang so to speak with our primal dna you don't survive because you're out in the wilderness now it might not make any sense today in our sort of urban living but it's still deep in our dna and our conditioning so so it's a gift to your kids uh it's a gift to your friends it's a gift to your patients what i hear if i can throw in what i hear that might nudge you a little bit more towards freedom is if we take that 12 year old's boy who thinks his friends have chucked him away which is a horrible feeling right and it buys right into what a human being is already scared of which is isolation or separation so that was your experience right literally you're feeling quote unquote alone and it's a horrible feeling now i would also collapse both of those experiences the one you had with the doctor but the one you went through with the ifs or whatever it was cool so i would say they both arose at the same time because as a 12 year old you've got a certain degree of mental capacity you're obviously sharp so when your friends quote chucky or abandon you that might be what that's how it occurred to you that's what seemed to happen in reality what happened was you were standing where you were standing and they weren't there that's the physics of it right you know so we start to uncollapse you know the event and the emotion associated with it so my assertion without knowing it but you can reflect it as a truth or not is at that moment your brain because it's designed to predict and protect probably made the assumption that not only had they gone but you must have done something wrong in order for them to leave because otherwise there's no logic for them to go does that make sense yeah for sure perfect so now we get into this realm of you always wanting to do something to make sure that people aren't inconvenienced by you i would put it in the language well i'm gonna ask you actually what does that kid think about himself if everybody's left what's his his how does he occur for himself what's his how does he define himself if everyone's gone and left you what does that say about you it says many things on one level it says i'm not worthy yeah it says that if i am the way i am yeah that is not enough for those people so i have to change the way i am so that i am enough yeah those people that's the compensation so you're close with the worthiness and i'm saying i'm not denying there's a component of that but energetically and intuitively what i actually hear is something a little different if you discard something what are you saying about that thing or that object or that person i i don't want it right so now i want you to consider that moment that little boy felt like he wasn't wanted no just feel into that that's what i'm getting from you because you're a very sensitive guy and and knowing your behavioral adaptations that you had the compensation of people pleasing is well i'm not wanted so i'm going to do what i have to to be wanted does that resonate 120 good because this will be very powerful for you right so i can see it already a little bit behind the eyes so meaning you're very sensitive you're a 12 year old you had friends and then all of a sudden you've got the experience of wow everybody's gone and so now i feel like i'm discarded hence i'm not wanted we could also say i'm not loved now 12 year old they're probably not thinking that it's more the experience of i've just been let go of so a adult you know can maybe compensate in ways that they're like oh well far you know screw it i didn't like those people anyway or whatever it might be and they'll justify it but for a kid it's very scary and so you at that point i'm i'm asserting developed the i'm a good guy i'm going to fit in you even said you molded to another group so you already at that point started to manipulate who you were in order to compensate for the deeper subconscious belief of who you were which is you're not wanted and you morphed in order to be wanted but now the whole thing is completely inauthentic it's not who you are and it's exhausting because you're having to maintain a facade in order to try and compensate for something that you made up that's the mad part but we have all the love and compassion for that little boy because he doesn't know he just feels scared and he feels left alone so those two things arose as far as i'm concerned you must have done something wrong for you not to feel wanted so now you come to america last time and you're driven by both of those mechanisms so you have to co you have to call your wife you have to call your kids i get you love them but the under giant underlying energetics is this sort of exhausting uh must this forceful approach versus a choice i love my wife i'm just going to call her why because i want to versus no i got to because i've got to make sure i don't do anything wrong and i'm a bad boy because if i do something wrong i get kicked out of the gang and then it fires that feeling of not being wanted and you're going to do everything you can to avoid that that's so slippery do you see that hey what i absolutely absolutely see that and i think for me i think you've hit on a couple of poignant pieces which are right on yeah but then clearly this is what you do so you can clearly see this by the way people use language and i can tell i can i can you know i i i wonder what our conversation would have been like two years ago had we had it because i suspect thought i suspect i know i was a very different person then i think i feel my growth has accelerated exponentially in the last 12 to 18 months yeah i think i was i've been i've been working on myself working i've been shedding layers amazing but i really feel it's accelerated recently and it feels great yeah i never felt you know my wife's incredible um she would never make me feel bad if i didn't call it wasn't that so much but it was it was a guilt it was a feeling that i'd done something wrong not for not calling but for leaving and going to america it doesn't matter you're filling the blank yeah and i felt i probably had to justify what i was doing on that day yeah where it's like today i have not you know just because i've been podcasting all day it's not worked out i've never called my wife right and so i won't speak for today i'm not speaking to the kids and you know what i feel totally okay with that well so you're very bad and wrong hey yeah because i never would have done no and now i feel yeah i love my wife i love my kids yes things are great and and what it what this does as you become free as you shed these layers yes you start to really tap into what presence is you start to tap into real compassion yeah it changes the way hey changes the way you view other people you know once you've yes you've discovered as far as i'm concerned love but this time love of self and that also allows you to have love of others see love doesn't have expectation it doesn't judge so when you were in the realm of guilt as you said which to me or shame is a byproduct of thinking you've done something wrong guilt and shame can only be the uh emotional experiences to a psychological belief that we've done something wrong right so that was deep ingrained in you from probably about age 12 maybe before so at that point again as i said you were concerned of doing something wrong because if you did something wrong the byproduct the cost of that was you get quote-unquote kicked out of the gang you're not wanted anymore but what i want you to understand to deepen this freedom for you where was the feeling who was the one thinking they're not wanted so where was the actual experience of not being wanted it looked like it was because your friends left but it wasn't me it was in you the story i created so so follow with me so where were you born i was born in manchester manchester great so if i cut you open am i going to find a manufacturing label in there that says rangon was born in manchester he's not wanted am i going to find that anywhere no no great so it's not actually part of your quote-unquote makeup but where did it exist because it was there it defined the way that you morphed it defined your behaviors so where did it exist in my head yes in your head and in what form how does it exist i'm not wanted what's its structure without getting too smart did you just structure yeah words words right now stick with me because this is going to be profound so you're 12 you go through this experience i don't you know i have all the love and compassion for that little boy he felt isolated he felt like i say that piece i suspect that even though that was the incident that came up in my head i think there were incidents before that and i think this just echoed the same pattern it just reinforced the passing because there was stuff when i was four five six little things i guarantee and i would actually even assert it was way before you know you actually to me these are all pre-installed we arrive with them and the game of life this dimension of humanity is the catalyst for us to be able to reconcile them so that we can be liberated now that's very poetic but to me it's also very physical i love it and you call it the game of life i think about it when people say or when i reflect on what is the point of life i feel the point of life is to actually figure out who you are without all these compensations without all these reflections from other people from other experiences yeah actually who am i when you strip all that away yeah and i guess we're saying a similar thing in slightly different ways yes that to me is true freedom true liberation where i can transcend the constraints of my subconscious which are in words to come back so we can finish the point they're not truths they're forms of programming they're constructs that i've been stuck within as a prisoner and i may have developed survival strategies on top of behavioral adaptations like you were becoming a nice guy you'd go to the buy you didn't want to you have to call the why all of these things were compensations for a deeper belief of inadequacy about yourself and insecurity that you're not wanted you've done something wrong so your whole brain is wired to make sure i don't do anything wrong because the cost of that is too immense i feel not wanted what your brain didn't realize is the i'm not wanted was self-generated that's the madness of the game is the you know it's the cliche the you know look in the mirror that's your only enemy right so you're not being wanted was an experience that you made up in language and you would have had evidence you know from age 2 3 5 12 as we've discussed to confirm it but it's just you're using external evidence to confirm an internal narrative so the ego's number one priority is to be right about itself and that's the madness of the work that i've seen for two decades now is people will defend and fight for their limitations i will prove to you that nobody loves me what are they they're just wanting to be right about their own it's always me that this happens to why me again perfect yeah so let's just finish for you because i really want you to get this so you've realized that i'm not wanted exists only in you it exists in your mind in words so therefore i'm going to ask you a question you can only answer yes or no is it true therefore that you are not wanted yes or no no no now feel into that when you feel not wanted we've already got a glimpse of what your life looks like but in the absence and this may seem like a weird way of doing it if the i'm not wanted is gone you you just don't have that relationship to yourself and life how do you feel free total freedom and how do you feel with the way that you interact with life and other people you feel i say all right because it's more powerful i feel calm yeah i feel loving i feel compassionate i feel non-judgmental yeah i feel at ease yeah the absence of dis-ease right amazing so that's one now the bigger one because this is a big one for humans is when you were 12 and your friends were just using this one incident obviously there were many prior to it but they disappeared or whatever happened to this schoolyard in manchester and you thought maybe you'd done something wrong or as a little boy very polite i could guess maybe your en environment as a kid you know we're all disciplined and don't mess it up don't do bad so we think there's stuff we do wrong at that moment did you literally and you can only say yes or no do anything wrong no no and i don't care if you threw stones at them you weren't you were just throwing stones it wasn't wrong i'm not saying it's an ideal way to make friends but you weren't doing something wrong okay so did you get that you didn't do anything wrong when you came to america let's bring it a little bit more current last time and you felt oh gosh i'm leaving my wife and my kids at home was that and you can only say yes or no was that wrong no no it's what you thought was wrong but it wasn't actually wrong i want you to consider and this is a big thing for you to digest in your life you have never ever done anything wrong ever now this will probably create a little bit of stir amongst people because it's a bigger subject in terms of crimes and things that people do that really do have subsequent you know painful effects on people but i just want you to consider you've never done anything wrong from you know the time you stole some sweets at the local news agents or you cheated on a test or whatever you did was what you did as a kid it's not wrong i'm not saying it's ideal i'm not saying it was legal i'm not saying it was optimal but i want you to consider it's not wrong it's just what you did and in the physical universe that we live it has consequences smoking is not wrong is it great for you no if you're like an ox you'll get away with it if you're very frail it's probably going to have bigger impact on your physiology do you understand what i'm saying yeah 100 so i'm going to ask again have you ever in your life yes or no done anything wrong no now do you really get that i i do get it right now just feel into that i think lisa the reason i think i get it the reason i know i get it is because i get i just feel different these days yeah i feel oh how can i put it i feel at ease [Music] the way that people currently live is they look for solutions and strategies for the most part to problems which is very logical right if i have a weight problem or if i have a relationship problem or i have a finance problem i want to find solutions to my problems and as far as i'm concerned that's a very archaic method of trying to find relief because what you're actually doing is reinforcing the belief that you have a problem so what i'm appealing to is what if there was a different way to access freedom that was actually more of a process of dissolution than solution which is one of my sort of catchphrases i say i don't solve people's problems i dissolve them so so i would assert that's why what i had to share really resonated with people because we're all human we're all doing the best we can and yet there is this profound deep knowing that things could be a lot better and there is a different way to look at life and i like to give people new eyes to look at whatever they can currently think their problems to be such that they find immense freedom from them so and who doesn't want that so yeah who doesn't want that and i think that that term freedom which is what you offer people is something we should definitely redefine a little bit at the start of this okay yeah um you know a lot of people will be listening thinking yeah i mean you talking about freedom but i am free yeah exactly i'm free in my life so how can you offer me freedom yeah no it's a great question and a lot of people do feel that and i don't want to take that away from them the sort of freedom i'm talking about is freedom from suffering freedom from the limitations constraints of our subconscious which again i'm going to assert everybody has it's just part of this dimension of planet earth and being here as a human being we're going to have our own perceived limitations and constraints so the freedom i speak of is more like a spiritual freedom it is awakening to the true essence of who we are beyond the facade of our sort of human persona so every problem anybody has as far as i'm concerned belongs to the idea of themselves so over time you know we'll get into this i'm sure today through the conditions of our childhood and these caregivers from our moms and dads who aren't bad people they're doing the best they can but we're going to be triggered into we're not enough and we did something wrong or we're bad and we're failures all of these things that we have to experience on our journey then what happens is what was for a child pure possibility of being alive sort of became increasingly less possibility and that then becomes resignation and cynicism and struggle and depression and then that leads to the the myriad of different methods we use to seek you know relief from depression or suffering and so freedom to me is freedom from that whole bucket of pain and uh misery peter you see as clients you know some of the most successful people out there yeah you you know we talked about your story last time we talked about how you used to train tom cruise and nicole kidman yeah um how you you you help people with their mind you know top sports stars basketball players golfers business executives yeah it's really interesting you have a lot of high performers coming to see you yeah and you help them unlock things so you know they can be freer they can actually live the life that they're meant to live yeah i i'm really interested for people at home who don't fall into that category yeah are there things that you do with these high performers that they can also do in their own life that's going to help them 100 and look i may well work with high-end performers and different things you know from sports to business to entertainment but performance is a word that i would ascribe to any human being a stay-at-home parent mum or dad you know a a kid going into his first year at secondary school or like everybody's performing at some level so performance is sort of just a big catch-all for the fact that as a human being you're you're doing something and what i like to help people is to do it add a greater sense of efficiency and joy and productivity um so whether you're you know pitching for the new york yankees with a a lot of pressure because of you know not only the thousands of people watching in a stadium but the millions of fans and the millions of dollars at stake or you're somebody who's moving to a new town and you don't know many people and you're trying to find your way that still for me falls under the umbrella of performance so how do i help people well first of all recognize where do you get triggered right that's the that's the gift i use an expression as one of my quotes i say life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you're not free so if ever you get upset by something or someone that's the thing to look for that's almost like well there's the treasure that is the the pathway to discover some more freedom because if you're unable to sit with or be with a circumstance then what i i assert is life is showing you where there's a there's an opportunity for you to become a more powerful human being so if your mother-in-law or your uncle or your brother or your dad or whoever it is or your boss upsets you then what i would invite people to look at is what is the perceived threat right because if we look at it really in terms of physics somebody's doing something or somebody's saying something but our brain is perceiving either of those activities as a threat if we get upset if we're not getting upset then we're basically we're saying that's fine they can do and have their opinion and they can take whatever choices in terms of actions they want but wherever we get triggered to some sort of emotion negative emotion that's what i would ask both my clients and your listeners to go okay i got upset by this event so what is it that is being triggered in me because all the fear is in me that is causing that reaction and that's that's the tool right it's like wow if i'm upset by a circumstance then i have an opportunity to find more freedom and i think that word opportunity is very apt there isn't it because many of us i i absolutely did this in the past as well would look at a situation where someone we we perceive someone to um someone has upset me for example yeah and we often look to them saying you know their behavior yeah is upset me if they change their behavior yeah i wouldn't be upset right and that i think is what most people think now yeah when you when you go through this process yeah um you know and i've not had the pleasure of working with you but i've gone through my own process it's funny for me one of the one of the biggest shifts in my life over the past at least 12 months yeah at least 12 months is this idea if anything triggers me in life yeah that's an opportunity yeah to self-examine yeah instead of shutting it away and pretending it's not happening yeah it's about leaning into it yeah i go hey what's this teaching me because you're right if you were completely at ease with the situation it wouldn't trigger you and the example i use for people um and it's something i use for myself like social media can be a toxic place yeah you know there's there's many benefits of it but certainly some people get triggered a lot some people find other people offensive yeah um you know or in the past you know i have some sort of public profile you know people will take shots at you for particular things and in the past it might have upset me whereas now i use it as a mirror yeah to go hey why why are you being triggered by that comment okay because i can't control what someone else is doing right right so it's like well what is going on inside me yeah and sometimes it can be easier to figure out than at other times right so how do you know if people want to use that because i think that phrase you say is brilliance um thank you if people want to use that and go okay look so if i'm being triggered at some point in my life yeah by my brother by my wife by my colleague by my boss whoever you know you can fill in the gap for whoever you want basically instead of looking to them it's about looking to yourself but how does someone do that by first of all listening to something like this whether it's us or reading a book or another workshop or another podcast where they're at least starting to become aware of the illusion because even in your own language you said well you know that person upset me yeah now that totally from a human perspective and we're all human doing the best we can so first of all there's compassion but secondly that is how it it it seems right like no well why are you upset well so and so did something or so and so said something that's just everyday common conversation but it's an illusion because nobody upset you somebody did something or said something and then that triggered the upset that was already in you right or if you said earlier about social media somebody found somebody's page or post offensive yeah well that again is revealing not so much what's going on over there in the post or the social media but rather what is it about my beliefs that are in conflict with somebody else's self-expression now peter some people are gonna be pushing away at this point they're gonna be hearing this and going what on earth are they talking about i mean look that guy has been mean so therefore i am upset yes right so so when you can see through that and when you move beyond that yeah and you understand and i say that with compassion right i'm not saying that it's like i'm not sitting on a high horse and saying you know it's just there is freedom on the other side when you figure that stuff out when you realize that it's a mirror back to you yeah for me i think that's where growth happens i think that's where where freedom lies that's where peace lies yes but what about someone i mean you need awareness first right i mean what if someone just doesn't get it what would you say to them um well that's what i'm saying like through you know you sharing work and doing these podcasts with people and there's obviously nowadays millions of podcasts out there where people are talking on similar subjects that we start with awareness and be gentle with ourselves because what especially in my work what i'm doing is i'm taking these deep deep subconscious patterns which are primal meaning that they are deep in our dna their survival mechanisms then we're bringing what was subconscious to conscious so it's like oh wow i can see that i have a pattern i have a tendency i have a conditioned response to a particular external stimulus so i take myself for example because then i'm i'm happy to be vulnerable about my own my own arc of freedom so for me what was a trigger was anything that was a value that was potentially going to leave me right now that's a general term but it could be a girlfriend that i was in love with or that i was very close to the fear was okay now there's something external that i'm putting all of this value on what if it leaves now that could also be someone's job it could be somebody's financial wealth it could be their their status in a company um it could be their home like anything that we put any sort of sense of worth upon it's a human tendency to be worried about losing that right now the stock markets are crashing everywhere because of the fear of the virus and so many people are going to be in a state of fear and reaction because they're losing something so that would be the opportunity okay what is the threat or their perception is that they're losing something yes and some people may literally be losing something right but loss is a again that's a deeper distinction right form comes and goes is the way i talk about it um i i could say i've lost a lot of money on the stock market i have relative to my portfolio but it was always in my portfolio so did i really have it jeremy it's like so again that's an example where many years ago i would have been in a mild state of panic or concern which would have been normal it's human it's okay but now it is like okay it could be mildly frustrating it's not what i want but it's a different relationship to the same external stimulus so so it's to answer your question we've got to bring awareness to what is the subconscious pattern that i have based on my primary caregivers of mum and dad or high school or you know kindergarten or wherever we learned these survival mechanisms so that now i can find responsibility because that's really what we're talking about here is either i'm a victim of life where like you said somebody upset me well now you're a victim of your circumstance or i'm 100 responsible for my my relationship to life because as shakespeare said you know nothing is either good nor bad only thinking makes it so now if you really understand that it's beautiful right so nothing actually is quote unquote good or bad it is entirely our own interpretation that is superimposed our own narrative that we're we are um positioning on top of an event or a person and so that becomes the world of i and at the most deepest level the ego or the identity or the persona its main objective is to be right about itself and that's for me i i i joke and i laugh with compassion again because people are doing the best they can but when you really get it people are arguing for their limitations they're they're saying no watch me screw this up or i'll it was too good to be true like when these sort of generalized comments are thrown out there what you're actually saying is i'm reinforcing my own belief that things don't work out for me yeah so that with its man right that we argue for inadequacy we argue for insecurity we argue for scarcity and that to me is is you know it's very human but it's also such a disservice to the the immense possibility that it is to be human once you break out of these very primal limitations it can sometimes be easier to see these patterns in other people well without a doubt you know i mean we can it's blatantly obvious but it's somebody else but when it's you it's like yeah yeah and i mean you you shared some of your own um sort of journey there and like the people who heard the first podcast um yeah you shared how you lost your mum when you were seven years old correct yeah uh you lost your father in the zoo broke a fairy disaster when i was 17 yeah and you were 17. that is a rough start in life yeah you know certainly most people would say that is a super rough start yeah okay and then if you're saying that there is a feeling of people who i love yeah whether it's parents or you mentioned a girlfriend leaving yeah is that your subconscious programming that is affecting your conscious thoughts like is that something you've had to work on 100 and is it stuff that you've had to or you managed to work on yourself or because it's hard to see ourselves have you has mr peter crone the mind arkansas needed to get help in order to do that both and i think the greatest form of help is life yeah right which goes back to my comment about like life will present you with people and circumstances to reveal where you're not free so where was i not free around the fear of loss but where was the fear of loss within me right so if we look back at when this one girlfriend was you know sort of a catalyst for my own quote awakening where i started all of my work this is now like 20 something years ago where i first had what you know we would as humans call the experience of love you know and there's puppy love and we have all these different connotations of love but for me there was a significant connection with somebody and so at the time it seems devastating doesn't it it's like oh no like my whole world is falling apart um so that was the catalyst that was what revealed so that was the help that i got was this this particular girl leaving but it wasn't it wasn't that the love was over there it was that life set me up for success right because if she hadn't left i wouldn't have to look at what is the deep-seated fear within me and that's what i assert we're all here this dimension of planet earth it is it is an incredible paradigm for us all to have to face the constraints that we arrived with right and this starts to sound a bit esoteric but for me i would assert we arrive with all of our bucket of fears and concerns and then life for you your own personal movie of life will have all the cast of characters and circumstances that you need to have to face your fears and limitations now if you play that game actually when you get triggered and upset it's uh going back to what we said earlier it's a wonderful opportunity but most people don't look at it that way they look at fear and adversity as a pain in the rear and i'm gonna do everything to avoid it which is why people don't actually go anywhere right so i use this story i think stories are so powerful and i've got so many courtesy of these beautiful clients that i've had but there's this one gentleman he was from a very traditional catholic family he had a significant other they weren't married so that was the first taboo you know within the catholic family and tradition then it got even worse they'd had a child out of wedlock they're not married and this was prior to thanksgiving many years ago and his dilemma was that he knew the relationship was coming to an end with this with this woman it was very it was it was very problematic it was she was very mercurial and whatever there's a lot of drama so he came to me one day and he's like look i'm going to go to thanksgiving and i don't know what to do uh if i go with her and the child everyone will assume that everything you know businesses as usual but if i don't go with her then everyone's going to question what's going on so what do i do now that's a very human binary way of looking at any problem zero or one zero one zero one and i said it doesn't really matter what you do because until you address what is the real root cause here which is your fear in the fact that you don't feel fully loved and accepted by your family so you don't actually have an honest transparent open relationship with your family so whether you take or you don't take her you still have to and you will be presented with the challenge of actually being so vulnerable with your family about your concerns about how they think about you so that was the bit and he said wow like he he got that he actually as much as he loved his family and they truly loved him but they didn't have a true intimate relationship because they weren't being fully honest with each other and this is why you know you and i have talked about relationships and why relationships don't work is because most people aren't fully authentic or open and so that that's one example of where his opportunity was to look at not was the solution to his fear which would have kept him in the fear but rather what is the fear and how can i break beyond that it's a bit like symptoms suppression or getting to the root cause whether he went or not fine it may have uh stopped a mini drama potentially yes but the mini dramas would keep coming like they're not going anywhere because actually the root cause of that is it's not being addressed and that's why again as i said it doesn't really matter what we do in terms of strategy or solution or the way that we try to mitigate or avoid perceived future problems unless you deal with the deep feeling of limitation inadequacy insecurity scarcity then it's still with you right like i always say if you notice wherever you have problems in life you're there [Laughter] or is that more tongue-in-cheek say yeah no you no problem right there's no problems in life there just aren't and that's a very bold statement and a hard one for people to swallow and i'm not for one minute saying that life is ideal or that i condone certain behaviors but there's not a problem there's just what's happening and then there's a circumstance of it and sometimes the circumstances are very unpleasant and very painful but the problems are all in our perception or how we relate to life so really if we were to talk about relationships to me life is relationship we relationship is often understood as it's like a person and a person right male female male male female female whatever it is whether it's romantic or family or professional but to me relationship is our experience to life we relate to life however we relate to anything is what garners our own personal experience of life and if people could just get that then they have an entirely different way of looking at life how am i relating to life versus what is happening out there somewhere separate to me that apparently is causing my experience of life that's the victim model that's the the survival model i have to do something in order to be loved and accepted and now people are exhausted you know their adrenals are shot they're finding all sorts of means of escape whether it be food sex drugs whatever it is alcohol versus going oh hang on a minute what if there is absolutely nothing out there that is causing my suffering other than my own superimposed perspective of circumstance now where that gets tricky is that superimposition is for the most part subconscious yeah so that's why we've got to bring awareness to why am i feeling nervous about a public appearance or like doing a presentation at work they think it's all because everybody's going to laugh at me or whatever it is no that's something within you maybe when you were five or seven you did a show and tell at school and people laughed and that little bit of trauma is now still in you as a 45 year old executive and it's still the same way that you're relating to speaking to a group or the fact that your parents gave your older sibling a little bit more attention and bigger toys made you feel that oh i'm not as loved as my older brother or sister and so now you tend to attract a spouse or a partner a boyfriend or a girlfriend who doesn't seem to give you the kind of attention that you'd like well because you're still living in that's the way that you relate to yourself i'm not the one that gets all the attention that goes to fill in the blank right so that's the patterns that we want to keep revealing and then we want to inquire into them we want to ask is it true is it true that i'm not lovable or is it true that i'm not enough somehow is it true that i'm a failure and if we put question marks at the end of our own concerns it's amazing how it will it will just open up a little bit of space for people because my assertion is it's never a truth it's just an opinion i mean i've heard you say before i think that conscious thinking is a result of subconscious programming correct yeah and feeling too that's where it gets really tricky and feeling so the way that we think and feel because feelings are that much more they've got density because now they become associated with our body but yeah the con the subconscious pattern or the it's literally like a construct it's imagine like a particular framework and then the thoughts feelings and actions live within that so like this room is i don't know 200 square feet right that's the size of the room that could represent the subconscious now in this room for that reason we're going to have certain conversations that are available to us this is great to do a podcast we could maybe have like a little dinner party in here but we're not having thoughts about oh let's throw some fantastic um you know rock band event here or the olympics yeah that doesn't happen in the space because the space doesn't call for it so if in my mind the space i'm living in is i'm not enough then the dreams and aspirations that i really have in my heart and soul they don't become conscious thoughts because they're not available in a confined space does that make sense yeah yeah yeah and that's why i love what i do because i crack open these perceived they're perceived limitations and then people literally have an entirely new experience of who they are and what the world is and what becomes available it is truly the world of pure possibility uh no i love it and i i you know like you i i i want everyone to experience it damn right let's go but yeah because it is it is like you know living your best life being able to do the things that you've dreamt of but you often put up obstacles to actually you know to actually living out those dreams and i think that story about you know let's say someone at 45 is nervous to public speak scared of what people are going to think and then you relate that back to a show and tell when they were five or seven when they got left at yeah yeah and it is i think there's two there's two parts of that for me there's one is there's some imprinting that i guess often happens in childhood that serves a purpose in childhood but no longer serves us as adults but also this idea that you know it's ultimately conscious or unconscious it's a story isn't it it's a story that we tell ourselves yeah and we repeat it enough times or we feel it enough that becomes our reality but ultimately we have created that story yeah so it is the tool for people sometimes because i think if you don't talk about this stuff if you stay inside your own head all the time you can create these stories and these stories become bigger and bigger inside your mind that's why i think even simple things like journaling can be so beneficial for people because you write stuff down and suddenly you see it written on paper you go ah yeah you know what i'm being a bit harsh on myself here or i don't know a therapist or a counselor when there's a third person there suddenly that kind of emotional narrative that story you tell yourself it can be you can sort of convince yourself that that's the truth but in front of someone else yeah suddenly you're like actually god i'm being a bit harsh on myself i don't i don't know is that is part of the problem that we don't talk about this stuff with third parties yeah who have no emotional attachment to us like you we we're going to come onto relationships for sure yeah but often we can create these narratives within our relationships let's say with a husband with a wife or the boyfriend or the girlfriend you know things confess to out of control very quickly because two people have got their own narratives that they're strongly holding on to yeah and i think this is why couples therapy or thing can't be so beneficial sometimes just to have a third person there who's not related yeah you can suddenly go actually you know what i'm talking about a nonsense aren't i really and it's only a parent yeah when there's somebody else in the room yeah yeah apparently no i think and i mean as the majority of your audience is probably you know from from england i think as as domicile brit you know we were brought up in a sort of relatively reserved way right like having come here to the states there's a lot more self-expression you know there there's less less conservativism in terms of the way that people just dress and talk and believe is that a good thing i i'll tell you why i asked that i would have thought as a kid growing up in the uk yeah you know we had a certain perception of americans you know the sort of you know this is awesome this is like very very emotive number one yeah right and i think as brits we always thought you know brit a lot of brits find that brash and distasteful yeah right yeah but i have changed my view on that over the last maybe the last five years in the sense that i kind of feel you know what at least they're expressing the way they feel and they're not holding back they're not keeping in that they're expressing it uh they're they're not afraid this is my perception yeah to you know sell themselves to talk about their qualities and things that we as brits found you know distasteful and not the way you do things actually well maybe we're the ones who have actually got the issue where we won't express our emotions well we'll keep them locked inside and we won't say things that we're proud of you know what i mean you have that unique perspective you grew up in the uk you now live out here in california yeah you know what's your take on that is there something cultural in that and it's the american way potentially more helpful um i think it's you know cultures are sort of the on the mass expression of the individual right the collective expresses like you look at australia the same right tall poppy syndrome so that gets indoctrinated into kids as we go up like well don't show off too much because then people want to cut you down germany schadenfreude right as the expression of like getting joy out of someone else's failure it's so regardless of which country or territory you go to i think it's sort of it's human conditioning why because we're programmed to as i said come from scarcity and adequacy and insecurity so there's a certain joy or comfort in the the limitations that we see in others why because it's a reflection of our own and so i think that's the biggest obstacle that we have to overcome and i do think to to a certain degree the states you know there is a degree of it is being brash i said it's like the cocky teenager you know where you look at europe it's like the wise grandfather you know and that's just sort of speaking to how long these civilizations have been there right like europe is quote-unquote much older so if we were to look at it collectively it's like a wise grandpa you know whereas america is a young country and is like full of testosterone it's like we're number one right so i think there's a degree of like as massive generalizations i think that's just because of the the relative ages of different countries but i do think i think over here in the states one thing that i will you know tip my cap to is that people are much more the the the less reticent to talk about their feelings they're much more um conditioned to have a therapist is very normal you know and i think that can also become problematic because you know kids who are in five and six and seven years old are now in therapy and i'm like well maybe that would be better served to be a conversation with the parents but the parents are too busy living the american dream so yeah i mean we can cut this down any way you want whereas what what i think is the most important thing to take out of this is to not be embarrassed by what you feel and to find a safe place whether it's professional whether it's you know a loving family mother whether it's a really great friend i think one of the attributes that i do love about myself and i'd assert is one of my biggest pillars in my work is the ability to listen and i think most humans don't know how to listen they just react so one example i was just doing a workshop it was a few months ago now in hawaii and um i was speaking to many of these things and there was 90 plus percent women who are on this retreat beautiful retreat and this woman wouldn't pose a question he said well how do i help my son because he's always belittling himself relative to his older brother and she gave the example of like oh i'll never be as good as johnny is what what he said and because she's a loving mother her reaction was oh honey no you're this and you're that and she started giving him all these accolades which to the lay mind is like well that's wonderful she cares about her son and it's a subtle distinction but it was very important and it changed her whole relationship with her son i said you're not listening to your son you're superimposing your world on top of his and he doesn't feel heard now i don't want him to stay and hang out in the feeling of inadequacy relative to his brother that's not what i'm condoning but i'm saying he's not being heard which is why he also feels somehow less than right do you understand so he said i don't feel as or i'll never be as good as johnny now what that's what he's saying now somebody who can listen would feel into gosh what must that feel like for that kid and then we can start to have compassion and hold a space for his reality because his reality at that moment is feeling inadequate needing to be seen needing to be held not to be pumped up like no you're this and you're that right which which we've all done to friends like oh don't know you're amazing and but sometimes what people want is just to be heard i feel lousy i don't feel very good about myself i don't know what i'm doing with myself like these are legitimate everyday human experiences and i think one of the greatest gifts we can give each other is just to let somebody feel those things we don't necessarily want them to hang out there but to literally let them have their reality because oftentimes it's if we to think about it physically it's almost like an emotional toxin that we're trying to release and as soon as we say no you're amazing we're actually suppressing the expression of something that is currently discomforting in us so for that woman she literally had a tear in her eye and she was like wow i just i do that all the time now it was by no means a judgment of her because she's coming from a loving place she adores her son yeah but she said it's so true because he often says you don't listen to me and she never made that connection so again it's subtle we don't want him to feel inadequate but we want to honor his reality because then he will literally feel seen and heard which gives him a sense of value because we're saying we love you enough to actually honor your reality then we can get into well why do you feel that way what happened you know was it because of johnny's performance of something or because he got better great i don't know but now we get into their world which is the gift of real relationship is really understand someone else's reality versus forcing your own perception of them on top of theirs peter that is i think such a powerful story because there will be many parents listening to this who i think will just take a beat there and go wait a minute let me just rewind yes that because i do that to my own children and what's interesting for people um i think is that it's from a place of love yes of course yeah people are trying to protect their child yeah but i think a lot of people will be thinking you know i do that to my child and i think it's it's it is subtle but it's very key it's very very key and it's something i think vid and i my wife we have changed a lot with our kids over the past years as we've understood this more and more it's like hold on a minute don't just um reflex wise just say no no that's not the case so hold on you're saying oh it's a two-step process wonderful step number one yeah is yeah let them have that and make sure they feel heard that's fundamentally what every human wants isn't it to feel heard i think precision in language is probably one of the most important things i've taken from you peter if i'm honest yeah it's one of the things i found most inspiring cool thank you and i found it i found it quite mesmerizing actually yeah hearing the way you describe certain things and i think wouldn't it be amazing to be able to describe things with that level of precision yeah it is amazing in as much as it gives a human being the sense of power responsibility and freedom which to me is what everyone's looking for they might say they want more money they might say they want a better relationship or a better job they might say they want a better job body but to me they are all milestones or stepping stones towards the fundamental experiences i just want to feel free or in late terms i just want to feel good and most people don't they feel sick they feel dis-ease the absence of ease and that's why i'm so passionate about this work because i have seen it for two decades now where lives are literally transformed they are transfigured they're transmuted because people are transcending these deep beliefs of inadequacy insecurity and scarcity which are not truths they're just inherited beliefs that at the deepest level are informing everybody's behaviors and to get beyond that is freedom so a lot of inner work is done in a way um why these things are processed unconsciously or without you having to literally talk through various events you know there's talking therapy there's many different modalities yeah so i guess what intrigues me about your work is how do you get somebody to reprogram their subconscious mind it's a great question and beyond reprogramming it's actually easier because the reprogramming still implies that i've got to do something okay remove the new programming like restore to factory settings is that a better way you just got to hit the what is it the volume bottom and then the power button it will reboot but it's not what it is is it resetting to factory settings to a certain degree but it's you know this could be another two hours but to me the first the first step into this journey of awakening liberation freedom whatever you call it is awareness so with you just even here in this conversation i brought you know maybe a degree of awareness to for example the belief that i'm not wanted it wasn't how you phrased your story you know you said my my friends left me and blah blah blah and then i molded myself to another group but you didn't go and i was left feeling not wanted now you didn't articulate that that was the deep deep feeling so now that you have awareness of it we could both talk about what does it feel to be not wanted oh i'm sad i'm depressed i feel lonely what's the point like these are things that people really feel but they only feel that because at the deeper level they're in the world of i'm not wanted that's the prison so the awareness of the prison you don't need to reprogram it you don't even need to get rid of it you just go oh wow i'm human i spent the first almost three decades of my life thinking i just wasn't good enough my nickname at college was perfect pete right now that was a compensation that was a moniker given to me because i was always trying to not be not good enough can you see you have such a lovely way of describing perfectionism i don't know if you can remember it you've probably got so many amazing phrases well it's it's an adaptation to feeling that we're inadequate right that we're not enough but i'm not enough is a lie yeah so therefore that was it it's an adaptation to us feeling when not adequate yeah it's a behavioral response it is so powerful that even that just one phrase yeah alone if people like i have done yeah if you just sit with that and let it sort of seep into you and just see what comes up yes there is such a deep deep truth to that phrase that's why i love what i get to do for people because i'm like you we're both very sensitive men and i love that quality your sensitivity at one time was also your vulnerability where you didn't want to be exposed and so you protected yourself but actually we're all sentient beings we are very sensitive we've numbed ourselves by callousing over with these survival mechanisms so i just really care about people i want people to break free it's not my job to go on you know knock door to door because there's defense right like i worked with a lot of sports teams and the one of the athletic trainers would ask me like how how can i help someone i said they have to come to you you can make a suggestion even in language i will say can i make a suggestion now listen to that language i'm asking them can i come in it's like you don't just bust through someone's front door you ring the bell and if they open it you can go in for a cup of tea and a crumpet or whatever you can have a conversation but you don't bust in and say hey your furniture's in the wrong place they're gonna either pull out a gun if you're in texas or in england you know call the police point is there's a way to be able to access people i just happen to really care because people to your point are suffering people are sick mentally physically emotionally and so awareness of these codes and hopefully a lot of people get stuff from this conversation today that's certainly my intention is just the start if i can see wow the reason my relationship doesn't work the reason i have a health issue the reason i don't seem to get acknowledged in the workplace or make the money i feel i deserve the reason i don't have the courage to start my business is because i feel fundamentally somehow inadequate and then to ask yourself is it true that i'm inadequate no it's what i feel is what i believe it's not a truth and in the absence of that what becomes available is freedom and an absolutely pure possibility and that's what i that's what i want to appeal to people i'm not interested in fixing people's problems why because i know they don't have any and that's a fundamentally very different way to approach humans yeah i think this conversation is going to resonate so deeply with many i think some people are likely to push back and get hammered yeah but they're gonna create they're gonna let's if we're gonna be precise yeah um and i guess this is where i know i've got more growth to do because as i'm saying it i'm thinking i don't want to offend people no of course nor do i i get that you don't and one thing i love about you is that you aren't genuinely non-judgmental you are just speaking the truth yeah certainly the truth the way you see it and i actually see it that way as well yeah but my point is is that always saying what people want you to say which i have done at many points in my life i'm not sure who that serves it certainly doesn't serve the other person it doesn't serve yourself it sort of bleeds into all aspects of your life um so so i do find i do find yeah i i you know as i'm describing this i know i've got more work to do but i think the people who don't like this yeah um as is very likely to happen it is probably because i would imagine they're not ready to hear it yet or it's too close to the bone it's threatening whenever anyone reacts you know first of all to your point i always say i'd much rather hear an honest criticism than a dishonest compliment because i can be with that i'm not here to try and make everybody happy it's not my job i'm here to share i i love to inspire beyond truth i like to talk about physics if you in your mind at the deepest level think that you're not loved not wanted not worth anything i know that you're going to do whatever you have to do to try and survive that's just physics i'm not i'm not saying this is the way it is like it's peter crone's methodology it's just life you know and i know human beings are scared and they live in fear and they're trying to survive and if i can help people break out of that to find some sense of liberation then that's what i'm committed to right so i get that people may have pushback but whenever we have any whenever we have any reaction all that's ever happening is our beliefs are being challenged we see a potential threat now neuroscience has shown that your fight or flight response will get activated by that yeah we need neuroscience to tell us that but it it you know you if you have a tightly held belief for example this is the dietary way to eat this diet is the right way to eat yeah if that is your identity and then you somebody presents a differing view to you yes that is threatening and that suddenly explains to me at least a lot of the toxicity that appears to be out there on social media there's one powerful line that i'm gonna give from of all movies it's the third matrix i think and the matrix to me one of the first movies is one of the most powerful i don't think it's a film so much as a documentary but in terms of this work right but in the third to this point in the third one i believe it is zion for anyone who's following matrix it's the hq of all the free souls so to speak is under attack from the machines right so sort of the external world is attacking these free spirits and the commander-in-chief at zion he calls all of the ships to come back so they can defend their territory morpheus who's the character who finds keanu reeves character neo you know again for people who are not watching this i'm sorry but hopefully you'll get something from it anyway um he leaves his ship out so he can be in contact with the the matrix the outside world the head of defense says dammit morpheus i told you to bring all of the ships back and he said i left my ship out there so we can contact the oracle the oracle is the fortune teller who's going to predict the state of the the world and neo if he's the one so he he said and then the head of defense and this is a powerful line he says not everybody believes what you believe meaning morpheus believes that neo is going to save the world and morpheus says my beliefs do not require them to now if you not everybody believes what you believe and he says my beliefs do not require them to meaning if somebody gets threatened by whatever i'm saying it shows me that their beliefs are a little bit shaky which is okay too somebody can tell me whatever they think it's not going to faze me because i'm comfortable with what i believe unless what they say is inspiring enough for me to go oh wow that actually could shift my life thank you but it's certainly not going to upset me so that right there is a nutella it's a giveaway that if someone gets upset what they believe is actually very fragile and they're attached to that as a form of their identity versus something that they're truly embedded in as a way of living and that's that's subtle like when if your beliefs are not shaken by other beliefs that's a powerful state to be in yeah it is the most powerful state to be and i would argue yeah um because then that's also comes about full listed full circle to our point about listening see again i'm not sitting here going wow i'm all listen it's not about that it's like i let people have their reality so i'm listening even if somebody right now thinks i'm i'm just full of it this guy always living in california he's not british he's blah blah blah okay i'm sorry you feel that if you got to know me i'm very loving i'm caring i love to help people but maybe that's not their interpretation it might not be what i want to hear but i can listen and let them have the reality it's not going to upset me because fundamentally i believe everybody loves everybody it's just they've got beliefs in the way and that's what i'm wanting people to it may sound a bit utopian and nirvana like but to me if we can wake up you know what a world to live in where people are at least respectful you don't have to be loving but at least kind and compassionate versus you know all the all the violence that we live in this this is not pie in the sky for people this i feel is achievable for everyone this is the goal to aspire to yes this is the ultimate in meaning and fulfillment in living a you know if you want a if if the pursuit of happiness is what you're after this is what will get you there although again i've heard another brilliant phrase from you about happiness yeah and i love it i wonder if you could share it of course it's one of one of my favorite quotes in the book that's coming out as i say true happiness is the absence of the search for happiness i just want everyone listening to just sit with that for a couple of seconds true happiness is the absence of the search for happiness if you really get that that is true peace because what you're saying is i'm totally okay where i am i don't need things to be different and i'm not relying on some idealized one-day future where i think that i'm going to be happy which would be the pursuit of happiness which ironically is in the declaration of independence in america the pursuit of happiness i'm like well how about you just be happy now now that's not to say we less than rest on our laurels i'm creating a lot i'm very aspirational i'm an entrepreneur i'm building lots of things because it's fun to create but i am simultaneously completely at peace and content with the way that my life is today yeah i love that that is something i will sit with this evening for sure that to me is the greatest precursor to healing because stress as you know as a doctor is synonymous with sickness right the inflammatory response the inflammatory response as maybe the precursor to all diseases right but stress what is stress i'm saying that i am in conflict with my current circumstance i don't want things to be the way they are which is a i use the word resistance i mean resistance with what that person said i'm in resistance with the way my bank account is i mean resistance with the way that my boss deals with things i get it i'm not saying any of them are ideal i'm not saying that they you want them but your resistance to the way life is is massively futile and it is the precursor to the dis-ease psychologically and emotionally that then manifest eventually physiologically if you can find harmony i tell people i have an intimate relationship with reality i am at peace with what is it doesn't mean that it's ideal i may be working on things to improve but i'm not in conflict with the way that life is currently and for that reason my experience is freedom and peace yeah i mean stress is the big one you know it really is um you may you may or may not know the world health organization called stress the health epidemic of the 21st century um up to 90 is thought of what a doctor like me sees in any given days in some way related to stress this is these are the two of the big reasons why my last book is all about stress basically what it is where it lives what we can do about it yeah and i remember when sitting down to write it and trying to sort of order my thoughts and as you you know you're going through the process of writing a book one of the most beautiful things about it is that you can have all these thoughts all the variety of thoughts in your head and in your minds but actually writing a book means you've got to systematize them you've got to put them into some sort of order some sort of coherent structure where it makes sense and it's it's a although it can be challenging at times it's one of the most fulfilling experiences i've had is writing books for sure yeah and i started off the first quarter of that book not about talking about nature or meditation or breathing as helpful as i think those things are i covered them all yeah i spent the first quarter of the book talking about meaning and purpose yeah because i felt that this is such you know it's about what you said about living that life that you where you accept the way things are where you have a reason to get up where you you are creating you are aspiring you know um it is it is incredible and and i think at the heart of everything really is stress at the heart of everything is is that slight feeling of i am not safe i am i might be in danger yes that's just the threat response it's a threat just once and we we can see that from our email inbox these days we can see it on social media we can see it everywhere and two two things i'd just like to finish off on yeah yeah is um you mentioned when we were talking about the potential for people to maybe be to have an emotional reaction to various parts of this yeah saying well if they do that's their reality i'm okay with that because my job is not to make them happy right i really like that because a big shift i i don't know if it's a shift or not but i think we you know i think hollywood's and it feels quite apt to be saying this here for me being here in california and you know just a few miles i'm sure away from hollywood that i think hollywood has created stories and narratives and um about romance and about what being in a loving relationship is and how two people complete each other and make each other happy yeah i think it's all bs and what i mean by that is you know i feel like my wife and i are in a fantastic place these days yeah and i think a large part of that is because we are not we our jobs are not to make each other happy we don't complete each other we're complete by ourselves we find happiness and meaning ourselves and when we do that the better we can be at that the better our relationship is but when i think a common mis conception out there is that people around us whether it's our kids whether it's our partner whether it's our friends they complete us yes what do you think to that i mean 100 it's funny you know because that's that famous line with the first movie that i worked with tom on was jerry maguire and he says you complete me now for celluloid purposes when you're watching on a screen it certainly appeals to the romantics i'm a hopeless romantic i love love i love companionship but yes it's a disservice to the truth as far as i'm concerned which is it implies as you're not complete without somebody else and that is a lie so when people are under the impression that yes somebody else or something else it could be something right it could be money it could be status it could be a job title that they think that's going to complete me then what you're actually reinforcing is that there's something slightly off about me and that's a lie so yeah i mean we could talk about i love talking about relationship i help a lot of couples i help a lot of people with their relationships and most people don't know how to relate because they're relating like you've kindly shared earlier in this conversation from a place of survival you morphed yourself with your form of relating to a group to get the feeling of being belonging unwanted which was really a compensation for the relationship you had with yourself which is you weren't wanted once you reconciled that you became free you actually now can relate to people because you get to listen you get to be with other people that's why most relationships don't work because people don't listen to each other they react to one another you have to play the role of the ambassador that you were when you first met because that's now what they're expecting and vice versa and it becomes exhausting to try and sustain that versus just being you being loved warts and all as the expression is like with all your imperfections no one's perfect we're all human we're all flawed and that's part of our beauty but if we can accept that with ourselves then we can accept that with others and that to me is that's love love as i said earlier does not judge between forms it just doesn't peter i've really enjoyed our conversation today this podcast is called feel better little more yeah it is relatively obvious on certain levels but i have seen over and over again that when people feel better in themselves they get more out of their lives yeah i love to lead the listeners with some hopefully simple ideas and tips that they can think about applying into their own lives immediately to start transforming the way that they feel i appreciate we've covered a lot of ground today yeah so i wonder if you would be open to sharing some of your top tips to people and if you can maybe you know we didn't really cover parenting um many people listen to us uh our parents yeah and i just think you have so much wisdom and you can probably share some final pieces of that wisdom that are gonna help the listeners okay um i mean the first thing that comes to mind intuitively i'm just gonna trust is slow down just for everybody to slow down the world is moving at a million miles an hour you know metaphorically and people are just rushing around and invariably it's for this idealized future that everyone's chasing so to the point earlier we're under the impression that this one day phenomenon is when i'm going to have the perfect body the right relationship enough money yada yada and what we're doing is we're we're sort of perpetually pushing away our feeling better because i'm saying well that's where it's all going to work out but right now it's not so good so i would say embrace life for who it is for what it is embrace yourself for who you are and embrace others for who they are i use the expression everybody's a masterpiece and yet a work in progress so allow people to be who they are whilst we can still be committed to becoming better versions of ourself that is the process of enlightenment you know getting evolving beyond our current constraints so slowing down breathing i mean it might seem fundamentally obvious but how many people are disconnected from their breath even as i said the word you took a deeper breath hopefully people as they hear that they might go oh my gosh i haven't checked in with my own breathing patterns to slow that down there's a strong correlation between our breathing patterns and our mind you know meditation so that would be probably the first tip is just smell the roses as cliche as that sounds secondly again i said love is my favorite topic you know be gentle with yourself and be gentle with others everybody including ourselves is doing the best we can we're all functioning within our own blind spots our own conditioning our own programming i explained on another podcast to judge somebody is completely nonsensical because if you had their dna and you were raised by their parents and you went to the school that they went to and you got the results that they had and you had the failings that they had and you had the triumphs they had you had the heartbreak they had and the relationships and the jobs and the firing everything that a human had been through then whatever you're judging them for at that moment you would be doing exactly the same thing yeah if you really that's just physics that's just a lot of that's not me just trying to be like you know philanthropic and like oh let's just love her no it just makes no sense to judge anyone so you know slow down connect with your breathing and just remove judgment as much as you can because it is one of the greatest precursors to sickness to volatility of disharmony to discontent is i'm saying that they and life shouldn't be the way it is and that is a disservice to everything that you're a stand for feeling better you can't feel better if you're saying that everything is wrong yeah and i didn't get the memo that that person is in charge of the universe you know the audacity if you think about it of the ego that thinks it knows how other people should behave and how life should be i would never take on that responsibility or be so audacious to think that i know how somebody else should be driving on the freeway so it's one of the most freeing things that that has been for me to yeah to really understand that if you were that other person you would be acting in exactly the same way as they do and that's not condoning the behavior no it's a very it doesn't mean that their behavior is optimal it's someone you might love who truly is struggling with alcoholism or you know some sort of addiction and you want them to be well and so we're not condoning the behavior but at least meet them and this let's tie it up here because this ties in beautifully it's actually a maui and a woman asked me this question because this buys into or at least relates to your parenting question she said how do i help my son who at the time i think she said is like 1819 and he's got an older son and he said i'm just never going to be as good as johnny and so the mother because she's a mother and she loves her son and said no no no she came in with all the things that you would expect a mother to say you're amazing and you're so good at this and blah blah blah so she was saying all of the things on the surface sound good but so the point that i made earlier she wasn't honoring his reality what he was saying is i don't feel as good as my brother now i'm not saying that we want to leave him hanging out there but at least meet him there i ah that i understand like why do you think you feel that way get into their world versus reinforcing and instructing no no no you're this basically what that kid was left with is you're not listening to me yeah so as a parent your greatest gift is listening to what your kids said versus telling them what you feel now you can get to that of course she worked with the kid and said where did that happen now you get into his world he feels loved by the parent which is actually going to make him feel just as good as johnny who's whatever the great athlete or whatever he thinks that makes him less than so now the parent listening is actually affording that per that child love because they're saying i care about you enough to listen to your reality i might not agree with it and i'm going to help you break out of it so then to ask well where did that happen oh well johnny did this and oh okay so similar to what i did with you i'd say but i understand honey that that would make you feel less than but can i ask you does that really mean that you're never going to be as good as your brother see now you get into their world and let them answer the questions so that to me would be a parenting tip parenting is a another a whole other topic but even that hopefully parents will understand listening to your children is one of the greatest gifts you can give them because or more often than not what does a kid say why why mommy mommy mom it's a repetitive stream of conversation because the parents not actually present with their kid sorry to interrupt if you're enjoying this conversation there's loads more like it on my channel please do press subscribe and hit that bell now back to the conversation it's not one of the biggest obstacles to this for people the fast pace of 21st century living and why i say that is because if you're always rushing around if you're always in a chronic state of overwhelm and you know i've got too many things to do i can't do this can't do that you know you're rushing all the time you know you never think you've got any time for yourself it's very hard then to take time to be compassionate for other people if you haven't got time to even be compassionate for yourself and yeah you know one of my big recommendations people is that again it doesn't it's it's it's i think it's a necessary part of self-care on a daily basis you need some alone time you need some time to yourself where you can just sit with yourself you can not necessarily sit with yourself and hide on instagram yeah but sit with yourself so these feelings yeah come up to the service you can think about them you can talk about them you can write them down something and if you don't have that i think it's very hard to move to the next stage i mean what would you say to that no i think it's great i mean the the comment that's coming or the expression that's coming to mind is slow down and that's easier said than done but again i make the point that everyone's in a hurry to get to a future where one day they don't have to be in a hurry you know if you just look at that right it's like people are working in jobs they don't enjoy you know to hopefully have sufficient money one day so that they can relax and have fun but you know to what degree could we incorporate some of that now and actually take a breath like quite literally yeah just stop and breathe for a minute because it is so conditioned within us to survive so your point about the hurry the urgency this competitive nature of society it's it's a survival paradigm and to me real success is where i can be at peace in the midst of chaos and that's got nothing to do with my bank account it's got nothing to do with you know whoever's on my arm as a beautiful man or a beautiful woman or the title on my business card it's can i be comfortable in my own skin regardless of what's going on around me and that to me is a human being who's found the true definition of success because i'm blessed to work with people who have more money than time and they would traditionally be seen as the most successful because of their net worth yet if you were to understand the inner mechanics of their feelings and their thoughts and their relationships you would see somebody who's quite broken and who's very upset and is on all sorts of medication and doesn't know how to feel compassion for their partner and certainly doesn't feel loved by anybody so is that really success or is that just somebody who's got a lot of cash so i think it's the opportunity to redefine what does it mean to be a successful human being and this is why i talk about this work because it's not this linear track of one day future scenarios of when i have right fill in the blank enough money the best body the right partner the bigger home the best job the blah blah blah that that is this perpetual waiting game which is saying that my happiness my freedom and my peace are parentally ahead of me but if you just understand that then you have to be you have to be at some state in a mild in a mild state of disease or frustration or lack of contentment because the way your brain is conditioning your relationship to life is that what i want is in the future so that speaks to my lack of contentment today and what i'm inviting people to consider is that you're always where you are you're never in your future i'm not saying don't have goals and aspirations i have many but i have an intimate relationship with life and the way it is right now and i'm fully content with the way things are while still being committed to things that i'm excited to create but you know having been involved with many athletes i think one of the things that hit so many people hard and it certainly did me is the kobe bryant death and like here's somebody who is literally so full of life and his legacy is beyond in terms of what he's accomplished from the just within his sport but then like he'd become an academy award winner because of his storytelling and his books and obviously who he was as a father and here's somebody who we could argue is that the prime of their own life and then just like my dad like he went to work one day and he never came back right because of the zebra disaster and so likewise here for his family and all the families that were involved on that helicopter it's it seems maybe tried to say but we just don't know how long we've got so rather than hoping and wishing for this aspirational future where we think we're going to be happy what about if you could just consider the possibility of being happy today and even the the declaration of independence over here talks about the pursuit of happiness you know and i think i even said it on your podcast it's become very viral one of my quotes i say true happiness like true happiness is the absence of the search for happiness and that gives an entirely different relationship to time that i'm here right now with you in this conversation and there's nothing quote unquote wrong in my life i'm not worried about where do i have to be next or what am i going to or what are people going to think about what i'm saying then i wouldn't be in the moment with you i would be in my own mind and i feel that is something that people lack if they could just slow down enough to go wait a minute is my life truly in danger or is that just my perception is it really a life-threatening situation or is it just the way it feels and could i just for a minute sit quietly take a few deep breaths listen to the person i'm with who invariably is going to be a loved one of some form and actually not feel the need to react or control or manipulate or get somewhere that that that's real relief for people some of the themes have just come up i wonder if we could apply to something specific like obesity okay sure and what i mean by that is um you know often we think oh you know we're going to be happy when we've got that body you know when i or when i've lost this amount of weight yeah you know things are going to be great i'm about to fit into this you know pair of clothes i'm going to have to do this yeah um and you know obesity is so widespread these days both in the uk and certainly here in america for sure worldwide um and you know we're not really making inroads into obesity yeah and i think there's many reasons for that and i've been trying to create my own framework for be seriously i'm sort of playing around with a few ideas based upon my experience and what i see and so there's a couple of things i just want to touch on with you based upon your work that i think might be useful so a lot of people who are trying to lose weight a lot of my patients have said to me you know when this happens i'll be able to do a b and c so this is this whole idea that i can't be happy now yes i will be happy in the future when i've lost the weight without realizing that this unhappiness with the way things currently are is going to make it much harder for them to actually get to that destination in the first place i want to really touch on that with you yeah um i want to touch on with respect to weight loss i want to touch on even the whole idea of a language i mean i we we discussed this last time about language and the concepts of maybe depression yeah um but i think you know with obesity it's also very important you know if you think or you say i am fat or i am obese yes that is defining yourself by a certain label i think i want to expand on that with you yeah and the third stream i think around weight loss and obesity and the reason i'm bringing this up is because i think it's such a common problem yeah so let me let me rephrase that it's a common issue that people are seeking help with a lot of people would like to lose what they consider to be their excess weight yeah okay and i just think the mechanisms we got for that that the the processes for that are unsatisfactory so that third component was and this is a question actually that when i told my audience i was interviewing you again a lot of people came up with questions they were really excited so many questions but one of them was about emotional eating yeah and those three they're quite separate but they all come under the umbrella of certainly obesity yeah i guess you would widen that out even further because they're the same principles that apply to anything but yeah i wonder how you could dissect some of that no i think it's a beautiful question and it's certainly an epidemic worldwide right not just here in the uk so i use the expression emotional obesity as a precursor to physiological or physical obesity now what does that speak to similar to what i was saying about the mother who wasn't listening to her son there's something unexpressed if something's unexpressed then it is accumulating so if we look at that energy in ayurveda which is part of my work and for people aren't familiar it's sort of an indian healing methodology which is akin to chinese medicine it looks at elements and it's in in ayurvedic terms it's part of the vedas which is associated with yoga just to give a context so there's something called samprapti which is a word that speaks to the six stages of disease and it's a beautiful system as far as i'm concerned and it certainly transformed my life the first stage of disease is accumulation where we accumulate now within the context of ayurveda it's really looking at the physiology so when we accumulate too much air element or fire element or earth and water element there's going to be an imbalance so that's the second stage is now becomes aggravating so let's take one example if somebody has too much heat they have spicy food alcohol stressful situations there's too much heat in the system it's accumulating the aggravation will be now they start to get sour belching acid reflux heartburn and then it will start to spread as the third stage now we don't need to go through the whole system but the point is it all starts with accumulation so now if we look at our you know dear human friends out there who are struggling with a weight accumulation my assertion through my lens is what's actually happened is they've accumulated a lot of trauma emotions that haven't been expressed and they live within the construct subconsciously usually of i don't feel loved i don't feel loved i don't feel accepted or i don't feel wanted there's some discard which makes that human being feel completely isolated separate from the whole and that's a miserable place to live and they found comfort in food now that's a generalization but a lot of people are going to be able to resonate with that so what that will look like is when i was a younger child i was made fun of i was picked on at school or perhaps my parents were somewhat absent because they were busy or they were just struggling with their own things and i never felt held as a child and i found the comfort that i was looking for in a care provider in food instead and food is probably the biggest drug right it's something that we obviously do every day and so that became a vicious cycle where whenever i feel any sense of dis-ease i was never given the tools or the environment to be held and so i accumulated my own unexpressed hurt and sadness and fear and i found comfort by just eating so that's both speaks to the emotional eating component but also just the dynamic of how we want to as human beings avoid pain and seek pleasure so both are going on there right so i'm in a state of pain there's no one really around me in my environment or my family to to listen to my point earlier and let me express and feel sad and then be held where i feel comforted so my pain has been transmuted into a pleasure that i found through some substance in this case food and then it becomes a vicious cycle where it now speaks to the language component which is it might have started as a feeling deep seated of i'm inadequate i'm not loved i'm not wanted that then physiologically started to be expressed as somebody who societally is now rejected because obviously it's not good to be fat right you're not going to be the picked one so now you're it's a vicious cycle where you're reinforcing the belief of inadequacy and now you use language to actually misidentify with your physical form to your point if somebody says i am fat or i am overweight what they're saying is i am this meat suit now it becomes very difficult because you're actually saying who i am is this and so to try and lose this would be to lose yourself which is impossible it's like trying to lift yourself up by your bootstraps so that's where there's it becomes insidious right it becomes incredibly difficult because there's the deep subconscious feelings of inadequacy and separation that then fuel the escape mechanisms to which i then become identified and then because of even more self-judgment i feel there's something wrong with me and i'm bad and i have to do something against that which creates a lot of pressure and a lot of heaviness like if i if i come up to you and say you have to do this you you're going to resist right nobody so when we're doing that to ourselves oh i'm a loser i have to do this we're creating more heaviness energetically emotionally and then physically in our body so that's the that's the cascade right and so how do we undo that well it comes back to what i said earlier about a lot of love and compassion and acceptance but at least undoing my association with my physical form if i can see that who i am is an expression of life i am the only expression of life that is me my perspective and as far as i'm concerned that warrants love and acceptance that wants reverence there's no other you out there and to start to change that relationship with ourself and that's and and they probably will need some support and help to recognize okay what were the breakdowns in your relationship where where was the absence of love and acceptance as you grew up um that that to me is the that's the real loss that needs to happen it's not the loss of weight but the loss of feelings of inadequacy the loss of the absence of love to it's it may seem like a segue but i think it relates i'm helping a client currently go through a divorce and her conditioning was to be the nurturer and the provider and in many regards we could say they have two children together but we've sort of recognized she kind of has three children by virtue of the way she relates to her husband and and who he is no slight on him but she had become a care provider for him too and that's why they didn't have a passionate relationship or an equal relationship she she'd got the mother and instincts for two children and then also a grown man and she said you know i'm really struggling with divorcing this person because of those patterns and i said just consider you're not divorcing him you're divorcing the version of yourself that attracted him yeah now if you understand that it's so profound and for her was the access to a much easier path forward because she's like wow like it is it feels like a shedding i'm letting go of a part of me that felt it was my responsibility to take care of everybody which was a reflection of her childhood where she had to take care of her mother because her mum was sick and she just started to play that role even with her own husband so she was letting go of that identity of herself which gives her an immense amount of freedom not thinking that she's responsible for this grown man's life yeah which is also a disservice to him he's capable he just didn't need to be with her because she took care of everything right so if we look at that as a comparison to somebody who's quote-unquote dealing with obesity it's not the weight that they have to lose it's the image of themselves that they're looking to shed that has got these connotations of inadequacy of not being acceptable of not being loved that is the the real weight loss opportunity because when they let go of that they find a new sense of love and compassion for themselves which is the precursor to a new body yeah i mean would you encourage them to even reframe the way they say it for example instead of saying i am obese or i am fat you know i am someone for you know for example i am someone who is currently carrying excess weight but that's more accurate isn't it yeah can they start using language immediately to start changing that relationship 100 and i would even you know i get poetic i love to write and you know that's how i find joy and expression i'd say who you are is an expression of pure love and pure possibility looking through a lens of inadequacy insecurity and scarcity which led to a behavioral adaptation where i found comfort in food now if you look at that cascade and we come back to what did i say at the beginning you're an expression of love and pure possibility it is purely based on the view you have of yourself and life that i'm not loved by society i'm not wanted that who i am in my relationship myself is inadequate that that lens it's a lens that i look through gives me the experience of sadness isolation depression hopelessness worthlessness from that perspective i am going to be in a position of pain from which i found relief in food now if we lift off that lens if we remove the the lie that there is something wrong with you that you're not loved you're not accepted then there is relief and in relief i don't need to find comfort in food so yes to your point they could say who i am currently is somebody who based on my conditioning has accumulated excess calories over time that expresses as a bigger body that's the physics but the why is because of the way that i view myself as somehow less than as somehow inadequate and that's the thing to really look at is it true that who you are is somehow not enough it might feel that way you may have expressed yourself there your entire life that way but i would assert it is not a truth and in the absence of that self-deprecating view of yourself if that is gone then people feel such an immense weight loss emotionally like everybody i work with says gosh i feel so much lighter yeah and that is an energetic slash emotional precursor to them their body reflecting that yeah it's the more i think about bc the more i reflect on patients over the last 20 years the more i the more i think we've again we've reduced the narrative around it to be simply about calories yeah it's about food and it's not well yeah yeah and and even within food and people talk about hunger there's that there's physical and then there's emotional hunger you know why are you eating like someone on that insta story i put out to ask you questions i think someone said ask peter why i can't stop eating foods in the evening that i know aren't helpful for me right you sort of answered that because actually it's part of that story the way i see it the way i i talk about it is that we're now using food for things that we never used to use it for for in for instance food used to be there as fuel for physical hunger we were really hungry we needed fuel we need now we eat when we're sad when we're lonely when we're depressed yes when we're stressed you know we eat for all kinds of other reasons now yeah and simply telling people what to eat yes it works for some it it does appear to work for some yeah certainly in the short term yes but long term yeah these things never tend to last because what to eat isn't the root cause it's why people are eating it in the first place yeah you know and it's 100 and i really i do i don't talk about obesity that much on the podcast has it come up for a while but i think it's super important because yeah it is not just about read another book to tell me what to eat no no no no for some people sure i have seen ultimate and what would you say for some people who do change what they eat and they do really go oh right it's this yeah would you say there's no emotional component there no everybody's got an emotional component maybe they're a little bit more strong-willed or committed or perhaps their degree of obesity isn't quote-unquote as drastic yeah you know and maybe they're just somebody who's very you know left-brained and they just like oh okay this is i need instructions and i'll just follow them i think if we really break it down what is food right it is a form of nourishment and the expression i use again i say for the most part westerners are overfed and undernourished now that is not just about food that is going back again to my point about relationships and how we do or don't experience love so love is another form of nourishment physical touch being held by someone being told that you know it's okay even if somebody's feeling sad that is a beautiful form of nourishment and in the absence of those forms of nourishment people are going to find just based on their brain chemistry's impulses some form of pleasure or nourishment so invariably the the people that are struggling with physical reflections of excess or the first stage of disease accumulation they're just missing those other aspects of nourishment and it's easy for me to sit here and say these things and i hope people understand i'm coming from love and compassion which is yes you may be listening to this and you may be in this situation and your question your brain is saying is yeah but i don't have any good friends my parents aren't there or they estranged me when i was very young or yeah and i and all i can say is you know i hope you can find love and compassion for yourself start there because that would be a precursor to other people showing up energetically you know how might they do that pizza like how someone hearing that go okay fine how can they start doing that is it with daily journaling is it with affirmations each day saying i'm you know i'm full of love hope and compassion you know i am a worthy human being in front of the mirror is it um you know i've seen marissa pierce on a podcast as you talk about you know with some of her clients she has i am enough that she gets them to lip sticker on their mirrors all around the house everywhere they go they see i am enough and they say i am enough yeah um i think you know is there something practical for them that they can start showing compassion to themselves i mean those are great tools and again um you know i'm not much of a strategist because i think awareness is the most important thing then it's practice so to answer your question directly yes there are going to be things they can do but more than anything i want people to understand they are a unique expression of life like if that person is a parent or was a parent i often say if you had a baby that was yours and even if again you don't but you can imagine i don't have kids but i can certainly imagine if i had moana child you're obviously a dad you understand what would your energy be towards that child and categorically across the spectrum people are like gosh i just do anything for them now at least that person has a semblance of what does love look like because often times we don't know what self-love looks like because we use it or it gets expressed in our relationship to somebody else that we care about so sometimes what people need is just a hypothetical or a real life example of where do i express love and now we can tap into that because i know how i would feel towards my own child towards a baby it doesn't have to be it could be a niece it could be a nephew it could be your friends just had a new baby and if i i know gosh there's a there's a preciousness there in that child that is equally a reflection of who i once was as a baby and energetically and emotionally still am so that's the it might not seem very practical but there is a real life example where you can look at the beauty of a newborn baby and go wait a minute what does that elicit in me because that expression internally of that emotion is the precursor to an action that is more self-loving now for that person self-love might look like it might look like i'm not going to have that second packet of biscuits or something right that might be the first expression of self-love is that if if i have two traditionally in a day true to two packets i'm going to have one and a half today now to the lay person on the street who isn't struggling with a beast they might still judge that as terrible but no that was a glimpse you moved the needle in the direction of self-love and that's the thing that i think more people don't you know need to understand that they don't which is process time patience yeah you know and and that those qualities of patience are themselves love right with somebody you love with you and your children maybe at times you're frustrated and you're in a hurry but for the most part you understand it's a child and they need time to learn to ride a bike they need learn they need time to learn how to do the mathematical equation and we've lost that gentleness we've lost that humanity of patience with ourselves and i often like to do timelines you know if if if i could see you in a year you've got a year to work on this and let's say somebody needs to lose five pounds you know five pounds five stone right like in so what was that 60 pounds or whatever it is like so it's a chunk of weight or even if it's more first of all you're not going to do that overnight what if you could look at it through a healthy lens of okay literally i could lose one one and a half pounds a week maybe two pounds a week and that would be considered a healthy progression then we would reverse engineer that so if i'm going to lose let's say two pounds a week and i've got 60 pounds to lose i've got 30 weeks so it's about 10 months now that changes for me the conversation immediately wow it gives me breathing room that i'm not supposed to do this overnight i've got 10 months to do that so immediately i'm giving myself some compassion i'm giving myself some time to breathe rather than by the end of january i must drop two dress sizes yes and it just becomes unrealistic yeah and then so you're actually setting yourself up for more self-sabotage and feeds that cycle of oh i failed i'm not worthy of this which of course is the precursor so again it all comes back down to and again it may sound as a terrible poetic but for me i love turning on the internal expression of male and female expressions of love right and what does that mean so like i said if you imagine you had your own baby or you could see somebody's baby to me it pulls forth the expression of the quintessential mothering unconditional love and acceptance a mother's energy is embracing its nurturing it's all holding when the baby's crying or it breaks something the mother's inclination is don't worry it's okay so to bring that quality and then the the father the paternal energy is love but with a little bit of sort of that logical commitment and something that is we're gonna work towards it's an analytical side and i think what we tend to do is we tend to come straight in from the masculine like well what should i do what is the strategy and sometimes i feel beyond sometimes every time i feel what people need first is that feminine it's okay it's okay where you're at that currently you're two five three hundred pounds it's okay i get that you're discomforted i get that you feel terrible but it's okay you are where you are now the person feels seen they feel held there's a degree of self-acceptance now what would you like to do as a choice not as a reaction because if we're coming from a reactive state of mind to we're denying ourselves we're saying i'm not something and i need to fix myself that is also going to be a losing proposition versus i'm going to choose to take care of myself and over a very very realistic time frame this is now the practical side the masculine i'm going to lose i'm going to commit to what are the choices i have to make to lose one to two pounds a week that may seem completely nominal relative to somebody's current condition but check back with me in a year and see where i'm at and and i forgot who said it but it was like ernest hemingway or somebody they said you know look the time is going to pass anyway like relative you know the world is going to keep moving so you might as well do something that is good for yourself right i mean just a couple of observations there peter um i'm conscious that we're almost at the end of the time and we still haven't covered a lot of the things that i wanted to see which means we're gonna have to have one girl throughout the three yeah when i'm back in l.a in a few months yeah um yeah i wanted to touch on relationships and kids yeah i think we have done a little bit to be fair yeah we have done and what's interesting you mentioned before you know how what would your relationship be like with your kids you know um regarding patients you would be patient with them it's it's really interesting that for me as i become more compassionate to myself yes and more patient with myself yeah i become more patient with my kids yes and that sort of applies to relationships as well and you know we didn't really we didn't go in deep into relationships we sort of touched on some of them yeah um i wonder briefly only because we're out of time yeah yeah um for people and again this is something we can go in deep next time yeah sure there will be a next time i have no doubts yeah um but are there some sort of practical tips that people can think about in their relationships yeah one word listen listen it's it's it's so misunderstood when people talk about communicating what is what does usually come to mind when you say you know communicate what do you normally think of when you hear that word like if i'm communicating how do i like what is the connotation if i'm saying oh you know they're a good communicator what does that normally imply normally implies they're good at explaining something to someone else correct so i want to flip that around i want to say the greatest communicators are the greatest listeners two ears one mouth right so in relationships if this is like sort of we're down to the last couple of minutes and there's an ultimate takeaway is work on listening there's no greater gift you can give a human being than to truly get their reality over there we most people tend to react they're not listening so even if someone comes up and calls me an idiot which fortunately they don't but if from my perspective i really got that's how they viewed me and i was listening there's no reaction on my end there's actually just curiosity because that's not how i view myself so i'm kind of curious where did you get that opinion of me so now i get into their reality versus retaliating and say well screw you you're an idiot which is how most people relate it's a very basic form of language but it's because people don't listen they react and again i'm going to reiterate it there's no greater gift you can get than to truly understand fully fully get somebody's view of life they're just expressing how things look through their eyes and what most people do is they don't get their reality they listen from how does their view affect me that's how most people are listening what is their words and what are their actions what are the implications to me yeah which is the survival mindset that is not a relationship really get this that is not a relationship with anyone else that is a relationship with my view of my own existence which is why most people aren't in a relationship because they're not with the other person they're with the other person and how does that person threaten my view of life yeah that that's why most people are lonely why most people's relationships aren't passionate and fulfilling and joyous because they don't understand that a relationship has got nothing to do with my view of survival and how that person upsets me or brings me joy or they have to behave in a certain way for me to feel okay it's rather i'm fascinated to get to know your view of life yeah and that is that would change this whole world and the way that people relate to each other like you wouldn't believe [Music] language is so important because it's programming it is programming but many of us use language in a way yeah and i want to say many of us i include myself although i feel i've improved i still do it yeah but i feel that language is something that we don't prioritize enough we don't give it the seriousness yeah it deserves and you for example if someone says to you i have anxiety or i have depression yeah from what i've heard you say before i imagine you would rephrase that for them i would a little bit i mean that's a you know that's at least a little bit more powerful than someone saying i am depressed saying i have depression creates a little bit of space right versus saying i am depressed can you hear the difference yeah for sure if i'm saying i am then what i'm i'm becoming associated with the feeling and the condition versus recognizing it's something that i have you know saying when we recognize it's cloudy outside right there's a deeper understanding that that will transpire it will change so being able to associate our feelings our sensations even our sicknesses as transitory versus something that defines us this is one of the issues i have when i help people who have addictions you know um when people declare themselves as whatever they like i am an alcoholic i get it but i don't condone it personally i feel it's a disservice to that human's opportunity to break free of a behavior which will need work right you know the substance abuse whatever it might be opioids to alcohol to even just weed and prescription drugs there these are byproducts of internal disease like you even said right yourself you didn't speak to it but you said when you were really struggling or working too hard and stressed you found your ways of relief or escapism right so when to me somebody comes to work with me because they have some quote unquote addiction i'm really not that interested in the addiction because i know that if we change the perspective somebody has of themselves the behavioral adaptations to that will drop and hence so will the addiction as long as we're trying to cure the addiction we're actually reinforcing the belief that somebody deeper down has a problem and in my world no one has a problem they just have pieces of programming that maybe be you know not they're a disservice to that person and they're inaccurate just we did what we just did now you're not not wanted right you thought you were not wanted and you thought you'd done something wrong in the absence of those constraints you discover freedom when you have that amount of freedom you don't need substance to find escape from the peace that you're experiencing so that's why i get specific with language because people are very loose with language and what people don't understand is our words create our reality and i'm i'm very passionate and i care immensely about people and certainly the people i help so i want them to be powerful in the way that they use their words because i want people to realize their goals and aspirations how many times on a new year's resolution does somebody say blah blah blah and blah blah blah falls by the wayside ten days later because they don't honor their word they don't actually realize the power of what they're saying it's the same as somebody saying i'll meet you for a coffee at two o'clock and they get there at ten past two no one died but it shows that you don't actually have a relationship to the way that you speak so if you can't show up for a coffee at time on time based on what you said what luck do you think you're going to have in realizing this new you know startup company that you want to get going when you're saying whatever you're saying about it because you're not going to stick to it this is where people just they give up too quickly because they don't actually honor their commitments and it doesn't make anyone wrong it just for me i just want people to be powerful it's it sounds like it's about it's about getting the basics right isn't it it's about getting that foundation right you you know using example someone wanting to succeed in their startup yeah but actually it's the same as you were saying with addiction whatever your aspiration is let's just wind it right back let's get the foundation of how you function as a human being how you talk about yourself how you act let's get that right yes and then the downstream consequences of that no matter what they are no matter what you want them to be we will just fall naturally uh yeah as a consequence i guess yeah it's like addiction um you know i i do like gabo's work and i very much enjoy my conversation with him and i also subscribe to his view that all addiction no matter what it is actually comes from some sort of i think i don't want to put words in gabriel's mouth now but i think it's uh some form of childhood trauma and he defines trauma as either bad things happen to you or not enough good things happen to you so it's not just that no stereotypical event off you know i was abused of course and i clearly you know i'm not trying to make light of that no no no no but it's tragic it's as if when we don't feel whole in ourselves yes we then use other things to fill that hole and to fill that void and you know i've got a few addictive personality type behaviors i'm going to change my language i used to have certain behavioral patterns to do with various addictive tendencies yeah and those things didn't go away by me trying to help them go away yeah when i did the inner work as i continue to do my inner work yeah and i start to peel away laser the onion and i become more secure in who i am yes those things have just fallen by the wayside without me even trying bingo right so you know you can't i tell people you can't create the life of someone you don't yet believe yourself to be yeah right so again this is one of my quotes that i use in my book right so it's like recognizing that if you're wanting to create a certain life externally then if you don't emulate that internally in the way that you view yourself and the way that you speak about yourself the way that you behave then you're you know using the english expression you're pissing into the wind right it's it's not going to work because you're going against the grain of how you're fundamentally conditioned are using a sports analogy because i think you know i work with a lot of professional athletes and it's a beautiful metaphor for life so i was hired by a very successful basketball player here and he was struggling from the free throw like when one of the players gets fouled you go to the free throw you know it's a relatively easy shot the league average is 75 percent so when a guy is fouled he goes to the free throw line usually makes the one pointer you know seven eight times out of ten this guy's average was 35 percent so you know it wasn't even close to average it was half the average and you can imagine he was you know losing sleep it was affecting his personal relationships at home because of the stress crowds are starting to boo and here's somebody's getting paid millions of dollars there's literally millions of fans you know they're fanatical here in in the states about their sports and it was costing him a lot you know he was um really really struggling so the point about addiction and why i'm using this sports metaphor as a comparison is he had become addicted to the fact that he had a problem so when i met him i said you're probably speaking to everyone you can from players coaches even sports psychologists he's like i'm doing everything i can to fix the problem i said and therein lies one of your biggest obstacles because you keep reinforcing the belief that you've got a problem do you remember the movie men in black with bill smith and they waved the black wand after they'd seen the aliens to wipe their memory so i said to the guy i said if you had no memory where's your problem just to start to give him an indicator that what he's fighting is his history so now he goes up to the free throw line he isn't even focused on what he's trying to accomplish which is make the basket he is trying to avoid his history of hurt trauma i'm not a big fan of the word trauma but past failings or disappointments where we got upset and now he's standing there literally trying to fix his history but that's only impossible so you know i mean i played with a guy as you can probably imagine i'm coming from a lot of love and compassion he's doing the best he can it's affecting him dramatically but i said once he got to see it i said i used a metaphor you're like driving a car but the way you're driving the car is you're looking in the rearview mirror so all you're seeing is what's behind you and then you wonder why you keep running into yeah right so anyway so then i said to him what if i told you that for the rest of the season you shot league average let's just be you know we'll be conservative you shot 75 instead of 35 37. his shoulders dropped he had the biggest smile on his face this guy's huge he's like you know seven foot something and he's like that would feel amazing i said what i just presented to you is a future that is as real as the one you're concerned about the difference is i recognize that as a possibility whereas you're so busy trying to avoid your history that you're actually standing in the line in a state of anxiety which is self-perpetuating it's self-fulfilling both the futures you're worried about one mine is phenomenal or at least better they're both made up why because we're still sitting in your house we haven't gone anywhere but mine elicits joy freedom relaxation if you're an athlete coming from freedom joy and relaxation i don't care what sport you're doing you're gonna do it better than if you're coming from tension anxiety and worry that night he had a game he shot six out of eight you know so that was 75 and for the rest of the week he shot 68 percent way better than previous almost double if you're into that kind of stuff right so what happened is going back to the addiction is most people are completely addicted to their history and then spending the rest of their life trying to compensate for it versus what are you committed to what's the future you're stepping into out of pure creation versus reaction and it's a distinction i make most people are reactive versus creative you feeling you had to call your wife was a reaction to the fear that you generated thinking you were doing something wrong there's nothing creative there's nothing new there's nothing passionate about that it's you trying to protect yourself and not get into trouble which is how most people live their lives again not wrong i have all the love and compassion but let's wake up and find so much more joy and freedom for ourselves and come from a place where we're creating an extraordinary future that we're working towards versus trying to fix the history behind us which we can't do anything about anyway yeah two totally different worlds to live in this thing this idea that we get addicted to the stories yeah um they define us they do define us and the thing for many of us is we're not even aware that we're telling ourselves those stories hence it's the subconscious to come full circle blind spots yeah and that's why i have all the compassion in the world one of my lines i say you can't be held accountable for that which you're oblivious to yeah for sure and i hope by us having this sort of conversation i'm hoping um that people who are ready to hear this this sort of information and people might go wait a minute actually that resonates with me yeah and maybe that awareness is going to be the start of a cascade reaction for them to start going and exploring various things yeah this whole story piece um it made me think of when when my second uh season of doctor in the house came out so this is you know returning series i'd spent six months of my life pretty much seven days a week on this yeah trying to help eight families around the country with very complex problems literally busting a gut trying to summon every possible bit of knowledge that i've ever accumulated in my life to see how can i help these people yeah how can i help them uh you know feel better so they can live more basically yeah beautiful um and i was really proud of the results and you know it was time for the show to wear and i remember that one of the shows came out and you know yes 99 point whatever percent of people were very positive and it was great feedback but there was a section who hammered me right like literally hammered me on twitter um and i found it very difficult actually i didn't sleep that night i didn't sleep for about a week after actually i was really i couldn't understand it i couldn't understand i've just helped these people i've not had to use any drugs i've helped them just see what they can change in their own lifestyle to help improve them um i got hammered because i'd taken unconventional methods now there's a couple of pieces to this one piece is let's say there was a lady with fibromyalgia who um was pain-free after six weeks yeah and she had been suffering with that pain for i think nearly 10 years prior to that yeah there was a section of people who would hammer me online yeah um and what was interesting is a lot of them had fibro in their twitter handle so you know fibro tom or fibro sally right and initially i found it very hard but i soon turned from being frustrated to actually having compassion yes because what i realized is actually their whole identity has become their illness yes and i am not judging that no no i do not know what it's like to live like that okay just putting that out there and i suddenly started to go actually you know what that must be too difficult to get your head rounds that you've just seen on a tv show yeah a lady suffering for years yes literally go pain free in six weeks yes it it's almost too much of cognitive dissonance from where you are currently at to think that that is real and therefore it's it the only way to deal with that is to attack me yeah and say this was never fibromyalgia this is nonsense bbc are a disgrace for putting this on you know what does dots chassis do it you know etc etc but once i reframe the way i viewed it yeah and looked at this with wait a minute i get it i'm totally compassionate why they're doing it it changes everything yes and i think that was one piece of that which is the whole identity piece and how we all and i'm g i have been guilty yeah uh and maybe i am guilty at the moment and maybe in ways that i'm not aware of creating stories about myself in fact i probably am yeah um that was one aspect the second component there is on an individual level and you will be picking this up you're observing i'm sure you are picking this up as we go um but why on earth did that bother me right right yeah i can now see why it bothered me it bothered me because i had insecurity yes i was insecure in myself and therefore when somebody um you know attacks me yeah i take it personally yes i feel very bad yeah and now i can reflect back and go because i don't get uh it doesn't bother me anymore on social media right and i've realized that the reason why that is it's not because i'm ignoring it yeah but because i've started to be comfortable with who i am yeah i've started to um [Music] i start to come at peace with who i am yeah i don't feel this constant battle to try and create a story around me yeah i'm just pretty cool with who i am these days and suddenly then it changes everything because freedom is a term that i get why your gift is freedom to people because i can't think of a better word to describe how i feel these days i just feel free amazing and it's like it's it's the the positive comments don't even inflate me and my ego in a way that they might have done in the past i just feel yeah it's nice to read positive comments yeah it's if there's negative comments fine but i don't like either one of them really yeah they just don't really they bother me that much and it's it's quite a nice place to be it's a very nice place to be very i wonder whether you can unpack any of those two stories for sure because even in the way that you spoke just to keep the theme so people can really get something out of this like first of all i love where you're at it's very liberating right and that's really why i do what i do i'm not here to judge anyone it may sound a bit woo-woo but i genuinely come from love i understand people are suffering you know my parents died when i was young it's not because i'm a woe is me guy but like i get suffering and i was literally alone it's like you know you had a 12 year old experience at a school you weren't quite alone you know because you're just friends but i was literally alone i don't think there's a worse experience for a human being to feel totally isolated not as a psychological construct but as a visceral literal experience so for that reason there's no judgment from where i'm coming and people are going to have their reactions even to what i'm saying today but i would like to give you a little bit more power again because you're doing amazing work but even as you spoke the words you used are inaccurate right so you said i got hammered you know i got hammered on twitter and then even people were attacking me these i get the expression but think about it if i'm getting hammered you know which back in your university i could always see where's this going it's great yeah the university had a totally different connotation i got so hammered right but it may seem like i'm being a little bit pedantic but to me it's very important to understand because you weren't hammered what actually happened and just be succinct not a big story what actually happened the show came out you said 99.9 and then the others you said i got hammered no what actually happened they made a comment about a tv show great work you're a brilliant study yeah they wrote something whether it be on twitter on a bulletin board online they wrote to the bbc i don't know but they said something all of the above right but but we can really consider concisely put it into they said something they express themselves and to them that is their reality and as a human being i always want to honor people's realities because i don't know why they think that i might not agree it's not my perspective to worry whether i agree or not i just want to understand their reality but that is distinctly different from you got hammered yeah now that's a narrative that i'm creating yes but that was unconscious until now it's contra you've obviously gotten past it a little bit because you said now you feel at ease whether they say a compliment or something still i can i can when i'm telling that story the next time it's powerful exactly if you enjoyed that conversation i think you are really going to enjoy the one i had with the former monk jay shetty on the simple things that you can do to train your mind it's right there give it a listen and let me know what you think the monk mindset is about pursuing your truest goals your truest self and your most authentic aligned goals

Channel: Dr Rangan Chatterjee

Views: 35,723

Rating: 4.8997493 out of 5

Keywords: the4pillarplan, thestresssolution, feelbetterin5, wellness, drchatterjee, feelbetterlivemore, ranganchatterjee, 4pillars, drchatterjee podcast, health tips, nutrition tips, health hacks, live longer, age in reverse, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, motivation, inspiration, health interview, Peter crone, peter crone interview, unlock your mind, hack your behavior, success mindset, brain health

Id: QnsUif-CzOg

Length: 153min 29sec (9209 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 02 2021