Thank You Divorce! | Shawn Bradford | TEDxSouthMountainCommunityLibrary

[Music] thank you divorce that's what I said five years ago when the judge issued me my divorce decree with that decree in hand I was positive every problem I had was now part of my past along with my marriage and as I walked out of the courtroom that day I was sure I was walking towards a new life full of happiness I was also sure that that perfect guy that was gonna bring me that happiness was waiting for me right around the corner now let's fast forward a couple of months in the reality of being divorced with three little kids with slapping me in the face there were so many incidents but I was so ill prepared for that were so hard for instance this one day the kids and I had gone swimming all day and on the way home they had all fallen asleep in the car yay but then just as I was about to pull up in front of the house I remembered we were all out of milk in the past I would have called home asked the hubby to grab some milk but there is nobody to call so I thought all right kids we're doing this turn the car around drove to the local Circle K went to one side of the car got my son Nathan he was three at the time out of the car I'm holding him here I go to the other side of the car I gently shake my girls awake Belle and Lacey they were five and six at the time they're half leaning against me still half asleep we walk into circle-k thankfully somebody holds the door open I can see the milk in the glass container we're walking towards it my son starts to wake up he's crying he's fussing he doesn't want to be in the story you want to be home sleeping my girls start to fuss they're crying it's loud I don't know how I'm gonna even get this hand free to get the milk finally I get it free the all crying loud I want to cry I'm tired and this is so hard finally I get that milk we're all loud we get out of there go in the car I'm bawling that was so hard just to get a gallon of milk and that was the first time I got a glimpse into what the future held this was going to be hard it was also the first time I had this thought maybe just maybe I might have taken my marriage my ex-husband for granted just a little but I quickly let that flop be super fleeting and I find my reprieve on the weekends my kids were with their dad I went to clubs I went to bars with my single friends and I dated obsessively I dated with the mission of finding a new man finding a man that was gonna fix this hardship and bring me that happiness now I reverted back to dating like I had before I was married before I had kids I was jumping all in and it's like I was trying to force intimacy that the newness of the relationship just couldn't possibly withstand it's like I had a split personality when I was dating half of me wanted total codependency the other half wanted to run I wanted to run the moment there was a real problem the moment real intimacy was called for and by my third failed relationship post divorce I was seeing there was a problem every single problem that I had in my marriage I was seeing repeated in these relationships that third relationship ended with especially dramatic flair we're sitting in his car and we're arguing I was upset with him because he wasn't giving me enough he wasn't making me happy he wasn't spending enough time and that argument quickly escalated to me yelling at him you're not doing enough you're not loving me enough I need more from you and as I'm yelling at him I catch a flashback of myself yelling at my ex-husband in just the same way you don't love me enough you're not doing enough for me and that's when it really hit home all these problems from my marriage were still there none of them had disappeared and in that flashback I knew that if I were to jump into that fourth relationship every problem would follow me so that's what stopped me in my tracks luckily at this exact time I was a couple of months into a life coaching certification program now I wanted to be a life coach because I love fixing other people's problems right it kept the spotlight off that hard work that we must do within but I wasn't there yet I couldn't look within it was scary it was hard but you know what the joke was totally on me because we couldn't coach another human being until we turn those tools inward and coached ourselves we had to do a lot of peer coaching as well within the program and so I was forced into some deep self exploration and as luck would have it right after that third breakup we had to do an assignment we had to storyboard three significant events that made a big impact on us now of course I chose three failed relationships so I get my poster board out I divide it into three columns and the assignment says to talk about those events with symbols pictures and phrases so relationship one I draw a broken heart I write things like let down relationship to I draw a sad face and I write things like not enough love relationship three I write things such as not enough time noncom mental and as I am looking at these three events the assignment says find the and theme I think I have it none of these guys made me happy none of them gave me what I wanted there's the common theme but that doesn't feel right at all this class is all about self exploration so then I wonder what if I did a fourth column a relationship with myself what would I put in that column nothing I spent no time with the thoughts in here I never acknowledged the feelings here I spent so much time running from myself distracting myself I didn't know myself so how on earth could I expect these men to give me what I wanted to make me happy and to love me if I was unwilling to do it for myself that's when the real work began at first I was really excited I thought all right we've got a new project I'm going to develop a relationship with myself and I had all these amazing tools around me I was in this life coaching course I had these peers to coach with I was part of an incredible yoga community I had amazing teachers to guide me to help me I was journaling I was meditating I had so many tools for this mission of self-discovery that excitement quickly led to something that was incredibly terrifying I didn't know myself so it got really lonely really quick but I kept at it because I didn't want those problems to repeat and as I started to listen to the thoughts to just acknowledge the feelings to observe my patterns I wasn't liking what I was fine I was discovering this girl this girl that was so insecure that she was seeking constant validation from the men in her life to say she was lovable to say she was worthy I was finding this girl that was hiding in the disguise of self perfection because she was so terrified of showing her flaws herself her whole self to the world to her friends to her family to herself I was finding this girl that was trying to fix everybody else because it kept the spotlight off of what she had to work on and as I discovered that that fixing that need to fix fix fix I remembered a time one year before I got divorced where my younger sister called me and said Shawn my boyfriend and I had a fight I'm thinking of leaving him so all big sister heard me was leaving and I go into full action I run around my house getting all my empty boxes and containers I throw them in the back of my Tahoe drive to her house start packing her up fast and furiously convince her to follow me back to my house and what do you think she did she of course went back to the boyfriend process it they worked it out and it hit me all I needed to do was listen to her to just be there for her but what was so incredible about that story I was one year from getting divorced I needed to work on my relationship I needed to work on my issues but I was so quick to focus on somebody else so with that discovery every time I had that need to fix I paused I turned it in word and I processed and I started to find I was getting to know myself more my relationships with other people were deeper in month after month I started I met just by acknowledging those perceived flaws by bringing them to light I was starting to accept them they were okay I was okay and then the most unbelievable thing happened New Year's Day January 2017 the ex-husband and I Scott decide to spend a few hours together with our kids we went to the local park Indian steel we sat on the grass we watched our three kids running around and playing every time they did something cute we looked at each other and smiled and at one point I remember thinking I would love to get back together with this man but here's what was so incredible about that thought it wasn't obsessive I knew whether he said yes or no that I would be okay I could sit with myself in silence and enjoy my company I was feeling pretty good in that moment I was feeling good with myself and I didn't quite know what happiness was but feeling good with myself that felt like happiness to me but he did say yes and it's going on two years this January and while the relationship is not perfect I've learned that's not the point I have learned now that I've got the security the skills the acceptance to meet those problems and to work on them with him I have learned every time I have that need to fix to instead turn that inward and just work on me and as I just accept myself it appears to me that there's so much more acceptance of Scott of the relationship in in that acceptance this new level of love has just grown and bonded us so much more deeply so now I say thank you divorce for bringing my problems to the light so I could work through them accept them thank you divorce for giving me a deeper relationship with my loved ones in my life and thank you divorce for giving me a relationship with myself thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 142,728

Rating: 4.7305131 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Family, Life Development, Self improvement

Id: MSbPBXp5Qcw

Length: 13min 54sec (834 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 07 2019