TEKKEN 7 - The Rageaholic

ah Tekken we've tested combo Laden jiggle physics foundry that it is and bless each and every a spend and pixel of at regardless conceived on the knife edge of the 3d revolution Tekken is consequently a curious conglomeration of two and three dimensional dispositions of the dead nascent fighting genre in the modern day it's better defined by a propensity for issuing broken bitch crap like block buttons and busted ass ultra combos long after it's less successful contemporaries who frantically fellated all of the above catapulting Tekken to the dizzying position of most successful fighting franchise of all time in the process and then Tekken 6 happened and performed a combo breaker on the entire cock punch in series indescribable insulted by the forcible online lobotomy of other series ultra slash x-ray slash ream my asshole by merely depressing - but fucking buttons attacks featured in Street Fighter 4 or 5 super ultra x + y divided by 3 minus alpha and mortal kombat fucking pi in short everything not named Virtua Fighter or guilty gear in the last 8 years well good goddamn news it's a suppository Tekken 7 doesn't have ultras but it may or may not have Rage Arts which are basically the same titty fucking thing see you at Evo for exactly one year before we're inevitably dropped from the lineup because it's effectively degenerated in a Capcom Camino cut con 2017 every shuffled on down to the shoryuken forums lately I've seen less uniformity of opinion at Nuremberg before be it from Tekken to steel this is Namco after all not a Polish fantasy author no rage orcs are wildly divergent from say the xray attack in mortal kombat septillion you see folks once your characters had their a sufficiently cave the fuck in by playing like a concussed quadriplegic instead of being rewarded by depressing all the - titty twisting buttons to instantly deprive your enemy of half their fucking health bar you instead and just hang the fuck with me here folks to press a single button to achieve an identical fucking effect oh I know try not to reel as a very fabric of reality rips at the seams it's just that transformative Lee fucking different I've ranted I've raved but it doesn't get any less true rewarding me with the most powerful attack in the game merely for playing like a saucy wet shit would be like I don't know given CM Punk a high profile UFC match for the unbridled accomplishment of merely existing just so a more experienced fighter can Tournament who ask can you oh that's right and to still do its nougaty center with this hand-holdin horseshit amounts to is winning welfare I can only imagine Namco or Capcom on the fucking Olympic Committee hundred centimeter foot races where the athletes sit in the bleachers and collected trophy every month playing shut put with a fucking marble high junk with a bar so low the Somali teams butthole lice can play limbo at the fucking thing but now I'm just giving the DNC ideas P fuckin s if Somali butthole Isis in the name of a grindcore band by the end of this episode you've failed me for the last time rageaholics in the plus column kudos to the localization team because if there's a more apropos nomenclature for a video game mechanic that reduces razörfist to a forehead vein in a leather jacket than rage art I certainly haven't fuckin found it fortunately at least in an offline context Tekken's combo craft remains on parallel though not 19 miles within virtual fighters league for unbridled depth it's uniquely janky-ass jungle fuckin provides a pleasure precious few fighting franchises can credibly claim and I'm delighted to say in the seventh entry it's been left more untouched than Leslie Jones at a key party but razor I hear you inquire why did you specify that it's only that good in an offline context because disembodied comically effeminate voice indicative of early onset schizophrenia I've seen better net code on a game calm only odd match or tool will go off without a hitch provided you find competition on your immediate fuckin landmass but venture into the wild world yonder prepare to be further the fucked underwater than a subprime mortgage having TN a stockholder doing some aquatic somersault on the fuselage of the loose' fuckin taenia most baffling of all in a paroxysm of common fucking sense Namco have for once in their ever-loving lives elected to leave the move list for established characters the fuck aloud so either after steadily sinking the formerly Sterling Soul Calibur franchise with their inability to let meet Sookie and IV play like mitsurugi and ass fuckin IV between biannual installments someone a bandai namco invested in a goddamn clue or we've momentarily profited from Hideki Kamiya is profound fuckin laziness now I employ the term laziness with my tongue welded to my cheek here because the breadth of detail and scope particularly relative to the glorified beta that was street fighter v is fuckin astounding from the exceptional albeit avowedly linear story mode to a test Cade of customization options to rival any title and supported genre where Soul Calibur between installments has suffered more alterations than a sarkeesian pantsuit a Tekken team thankfully is more hands-off than Calvin Coolidge in a circle jerk and grapha the last gen jag eNOS aside even on the shallow cosmetic front Tekken 7 comports itself appallingly well from the new outfits albeit for a sensationally subpar roster to the lighting and pre-rendered cutscenes to seemingly negligible touches like how characters from disparate nationalities rather than speaking the oriental tongue of a microscopic island chain and cultural and economic decline for the last quarter fuckin century actually speak their own goddamn languages and then you actually fire up said story mode an ace reporter hewed down syndrome over here parts his paced disposal unit and to the horror of all humankind regales us with a voiceover performance to rival and even eclipsed Mass Effect Andromeda Heihachi was Kazi his father and Kazumi his mother that's when I realized something shocking the way he stared at me from the door let me know that he wanted me to follow him hypnotized I walked slowly towards him as we left the restaurant he formally introduced himself sorry my face is tired from dealing with everything what the not raking fuck look I've been to Japan I get that there's like 5 and 1/2 white voice actors on the ever-living landmass and what is just a really pale Japanese cat with his eyelids take the fuck open to help Ling Ling I've used the most sophisticated technology that modern medicine can provide household tape but who the piping hot fuck shelled out freshly minted shiny-ass yeah and so Lunas the lad over here could Snorlax the fuck through a goddamn Blade Runner voiceover and it wouldn't be so bad if he weren't conveying vital information about the most convoluted procession of animal horseshit ever tumble from a single source since Kojima's last colonoscopy this shit is war and peace for weaves how about we don't hire a cat who sounds like Ben Stein reading the Gnostic Gospels while shooting Thorazine into his crank and I'm not saying the customization items are an outright ripoff but I at least consider the possibility around the time I shelled out 300,000 could not wear a fucking shirt fuckin seriously Namco 300k for a pair of nipples and they're not even attached to a chick all this time I've been shelling out the gross domestic product of Lotte Mariga for Tailored tops and pantaloons that perfectly cradled my Caitlyn Jenner crotch balls who know the bath salts once thank a file who lives in a milk crate behind the McDonald's what he isn't feasted on his own feces and having fistfights with a fucking ghost his bull stylin and profilin in $400,000 fashions and truthfully between namco and a pen shouldn't piss stinking hobo I think I'd rather give the 400th out of the hobo at least I know it's going to a liquor store instead of an Asiatic Algonquin so on gaggle of greasy face Filipinos can fuck up Ivy's move set in Soul Calibur for the fifth straight fucking time nothing you can blame the NAMM fam as Capcom's success at selling one fifteenth of a street fighter sequel to full retail price proves as long as you've got money to burn Capcom I'll be there with a boner and a blow torch and well mam Co haven't gone over the edge of a nickel and dime Canyon just yet there's certainly wearing a tutu and doing pirouettes on the edge of the fucking cliff the word that springs to mind with Tekken 7 is solid not exceptional far from the energizing experience of say a King of Fighters 14 of the god-like guilty gear but I'll bone down with 20 Tekken sevens retard friendly rage arts and all before I take Street Fighter 5 on a second fucking date i'm razörfist god fucking speed [Music] [Music]

Channel: The Rageaholic

Views: 94,066

Rating: 4.753962 out of 5

Keywords: Tekken 7, Namco, Namco Bandai, Hideki Kamiya, RazörFist

Id: pJ3zhFjGxZA

Length: 8min 23sec (503 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 25 2017