Talking with LS | Dr.K Interviews

which is really what you should acknowledge is that sometimes just bad [ __ ] happens and you don't deserve it but your inability to like experience that means that you've got this weird like you're like a septic tank that's just full and like never drains because like bad [ __ ] happens to you and happens to you and happens to you and no one and you just blame yourself and so like no like the blame just sits within you you're like just just the cesspool of you know stuff so welcome and what am I welcome LS is that what we're calling you yeah okay yeah I guess okay and everyone is trying to confuse me what is trying to tell me I don't know what that means is that short for something so it meant last shadow up until 2012 but the reason that everyone means it is I don't know they've changed the Ellen the s2 whatever is needed to fit I mean got it nice so it's a very dynamic yeah yeah so if I dr k is dr k or dr. kangaroo or the democratic republic of korea yeah exactly exactly okay okay so tell me um tell me a little bit about what we're talking about today and how so yeah so initially I didn't want to come on the stream but then more and more requests and I just figured I've talked about my life story a few times on stream in the past and so I figured it would be no different than just talking about it with you and so I guess we'll just talk about that um I went through III I had tweeted out jump in for a second yeah God so why can you help me understand the feelings of not wanting to come on stream because those are like very reasonable feelings I'm sure so okay so every single time I've talked about the life short story I've always downloaded the bottom then deleted it and the the reason being is because I didn't want anyone to twist anything but I would say and then if anyone ever attempted to I had the bog downloaded in case someone tried saying that I said something I didn't but also it was always something that I just did to try to help people relate or try to help people understand that depression is a really weird thing and that anxiety is a demon as well and that there's ways to get through it alright see I don't know how to like word this basically III struggle every single day ever every single day is a complete nightmare and yet I'm here and I've been dealing with this now for the last 17 years of my life though yeah pretty pretty much that I don't want to have this stuff that I talk about used against me and it has been in this industry specifically several times even even within the last couple of years I've had my diagnosis actually brought up in reference to my stability or my ability to do certain things and that always has just struck me as odd because it's clearly never impeded me up to this point and then I never intend to let it do as such so that's impressive that you know you've done such a good job with these diagnoses and also really sucks that people have used that against you like very just like discreetly like explicitly used it against you yeah but I think it's I think it's standard I I think mental illness is just taboo and then especially out here in Korea mental illness is really really taboo I can imagine so it's that compact yeah that compounded with a lot of things is definitely interesting you know interesting thing about mental illness in Korea and taboo apparently what's not taboo there is video game addiction or at least not as taboo as it is here in the sense that I've heard that they're actually like brick and mortar buildings that treat video game addiction like they're they have like video game addiction clinics in South Korea right okay I don't I don't know about that I don't have video game Academy is the best school the best research about so okay we got a level 4 hype train ok I don't know what that means I still don't understand the stuff but so so the best research on video game addiction actually comes out of Korea and that's because they treat it the most seriously and they've been treating him for a while but okay so I'm sorry that people have used it against you I really hope that that doesn't happen here and I'm really grateful that you're coming on and actually the mission that you've been adopting which is sort of like showing people that you can struggle with depression or anxiety or whatnot and still have you know hopefully a healthy I'm clear to me if you're happy but I wouldn't call it a fake no yeah so that is unfortunate let's see if we can do something about that okay I I to think that you know mental illness is stigmatized and a lot of what I do here is is to D stigmatize it and I guess it's good that a lot of people who after watching the stream or giving therapy a shot which i think is fantastic just any clear though you know this is not therapy and you understand that right yeah okay so tell me a little bit about what what you mean by depression or anxiety I guess my depression is nothing nothing really matters to me it's it's like a it's like a form of summit syndrome what does that mean I remember summit syndrome being that every single time you hit what you set as the highest goal it's not enough there's just an emptiness there's a void there's nothing that satisfactory I remember because I was actually homeless twice even in Korea and I remember one time in 2013 I was I was living in Busan with my boyfriend at the time and I only had a couple hundred dollars to my name and I remember thinking that I was supposed to potentially get a job casting potentially for StarCraft actually and if I got that I had envisioned like you know I would be making more money and I thought that that money would be like very glorious or very enjoyable and about a year and a half later in entirely different circumstances I ended up having that amount of income and more and I just felt empty and it wasn't enough and then I look back on it and I'm like but I I'm somewhere now where I dreamed of being before and then I had another milestone and it didn't do anything and then I had another milestone and it did nothing and nothing would really I mean still nothing really brings me happiness it brings me to neutrality and the neutrality is a calmness it's like someone's sitting on you and when they eventually get up it just feels like a lot of relief I have glimpses of that very rarely nowadays but I would I would probably say that's what my happiness is because it feels like there's no wait there's no pressure there's no noise III refer to as noise when all the images just keep raising peaceful no not peaceful okay just feels like I can breathe or it feels like I can I can hear my own thoughts without the images racing in my mind's and I can I don't feel the tension all across my body I don't feel the sensation of like did you drop your wallet in your back pocket you know and did you just forget it on a train or something you just have someone steal something from you I feel that never ending all the time and some mornings it's really hard to obviously get out of bed and other mornings or nights or something I just don't want to do anything sometimes in front of the stream I'll sit there with the stream labs open for 30 minutes 45 minutes and I just can't hit play and people don't realize it but anytime there's a necessity to do something fear always motivates me and so I would say that fear is my number one motivator in my entire life fear of ever going back to what I was at before and obviously the poverty the homelessness Travie lack of security the pre Korea so I don't think look so do you think fear in your life is a good thing or a bad thing I guess kept me alive so III III would it's weird to say that obviously it's it's not good that this is what's necessary to keep me walking or something but there's nothing else yes I'll ask you again is is fear in your life a good thing or a bad thing I realize I'm oversimplifying the question but I'm doing it no I know I identify that inherently it's bad but as it stands right now it's good it's very good so it's important for you to understand that right so I wouldn't even say inherently it's bad I'd say theoretically it's bad is that a better way to throat it yeah right so like we've heard that fear is bad and to live a life based on fear as your primary emotion sounds like it sucks but for you it's actually very very important yeah and so the dangerous thing here is that you're living a life where there's probably a very large part of you that doesn't want the fear to leave yeah but III don't chase it though I don't put myself in circumstances where I would feel more fair than I would have to yeah I don't seek it I I never want to induce more fear yes but I do notice that if I if I tend to get lazy or if I tend to get complacent for too long yet it enhances a lot and then I go into overdrive and then the cycle begins so I think this is yeah go ahead sorry keep going oh sorry oh my monitors just went out because no mouse activity sorry okay go ahead no you were saying something no it tends to operate and in cycles and I have identified that it's in cycles and I've in recent years tried to become more cognizant of the cycles and habits and patterns that exist and I've tried to manage them time them identify triggers all this other stuff and obviously compounding off all the stuff that I've learned from all the years of therapy all the clinicians all the psychologists psychiatrists everything I've ever read and it's all just about managing it and trying to identify it but it honestly it feels really [ __ ] hopeless and again there's no purpose but uh I don't know how I would phrase this I must do what I'm doing now in case there is eventually a purpose yeah absolutely that's that I don't have a choice yeah I mean what are you feeling right now I just don't have a choice everything I do I don't have a choice how does I mean I have I have a choice in regards to do I want to string today do I not want to string today I have a choice of do I want to sign this contract do I not want to sign this contract but the fear ultimately decides through whatever type of rationale used what is most optimal or what is what is most logical in order to further separate me from what is causing the fear and so then I always just keep what is it like I don't know but I'm thankful that I didn't have a choice because I think if I had choices I wouldn't have ended up here or maybe it maybe I would have because of the the thing I mentioned to you prior to coming on the stream in regards to one of my last psychiatrists gave me the choice to go on disability insurance and I didn't want to what do you mean by that if you had a choice you wouldn't be here what does that mean if I could if there was alternative ways for me to have just functioned without being thrown by the wayside because I was facing homelessness in the United States and I didn't have really any way to return to so what was the option end up on the streets or end up doing god-knows-what I I don't really know can you hold on a second yeah yeah just problem I'm gonna just think for a second mm-hmm sorry I didn't mean to disrupt your flow but no that's okay there's a lot that you're saying that I think is very important the thing is it's coming out at such a pace that I'm feeling hard it's it's hard for me to keep track of some of the things you're saying sorry I looked at Twitter shot they're very funny I won't I'll keep chat yeah a PM is way too high it's like a manner pause when I'm getting xored rushed yeah five pull LSS five pulled me oh five blast birdboy yeah man old school that is that's boomer technology that is five full I pledge no cool yeah there you go okay can you tell me what your experience was like with with treaters treaters like clinicians inside I remember the first one I was ever that I ever went to my mom told me that I had to go see someone and I didn't know why was and when mom said you had to go see someone so I I had a lot of doctors growing up because I was always really sick I had three nebulizer treatments a day I had an allergen allergen an asthma doctor that I would see a couple of times a week I was on benadryl twice a day or as needed albuterol as needed I was always really sick and so I had my usual stalkers and then my mom told me that I had to go see another doctor and I didn't know why and I arrived at this doctor's office and I started talking to him and he just told me that there was a lot of weird stuff with me like socially and apparently it's because I didn't get along with my little league teammates or something because my mom had signed me up for baseball and I didn't get along with them and I didn't socialize with them I wouldn't talk to them and whatever and she found the behavior very avoidin or very antisocial and she thought that it was very alarming because my mom is in psychiatry as well and so then she had sent me to a doctor for you know she's identifying the signs or patterns or whatever so that that's what uh that's what was going on there I got to him and he was telling me that there was concerning behaviors and I I didn't know what the hell he was talking about the reality in my eyes what it was is my uncle's had started me on everything way earlier than my peers and so what I mean by that is like age four or five they were teaching me like math or stuff about like riddles or puzzles and stuff way before you know first grade second grade third graders is supposed to know about this stuff but also anything that I did with sports my uncle's would drill me on quite literally so Wells you question II would be yeah I got do you get to be who you are uh no well it depends what you mean everyone that ever meets me offline says I'm I'm always different than what they believe me to be from my stream persona or that there's a lot of different modes of me and I would agree well I wouldn't agree I I would agree that there's different modes depending on what people around me are doing and what that means in terms of yeah believe so can you tell me about that person um I know I know I'm very bitter and I know I'm very angry at time lost and I displaced blame a lot on other things that I felt like was outside of my control or that was unjust and I've tried to find ways to forgive it or let it go if that makes sense but then wait I care about you displace blame on things that are outside of your control yeah like I was between placing blame on things that are outside of your control in displacing things that are outside of your control like that there's there's dual purpose in the sense that maybe there was alternatives so there was different options that I could have taken that maybe I wasn't aware of at the time and so maybe my belief that was outside of my control isn't totally just so you blame ourselves for things that are outside of your control I ponder if if it if I should blame myself I I perceive it to be outside of my control but then when I go through and I do the rodeo with myself from my younger years or even current years I try to think was it my fault so let me tell you what I'm hearing okay yeah so I think you're a smart guy and I think sometimes that makes life hard because you're able to think through things and understand things but there's this is a subtle subtle point and maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill you said you displace things you displace blame on things that are outside of your control so when I think about displaced blame I think about someone who's like not attributing blame to where it belongs right so if you displace blame onto me for something that is your fault that is like it's not really my fault it's actually your fault and that you displace that blame onto external things that are outside of your control that implies to me that you actually blame yourself for things that outside of your control yes because I I think that there I know that sounds really weird but I because of the rodeo that I've been through I sort of do blame myself for these things yes yeah yeah okay but we're gonna put a pin in that we're gonna come back to it okay okay tell me about your uncle's my uncle's got me into gaming really early on started with Zelda Link to the Past and Final Fantasy 3 when I was like two and three years old and then three shadow it's actually what my ID is from flash shadow and so did you save an absolutely yeah you know and it gotta get gogo and amaru and all of them so you know III love Final Fantasy 3 it's best FF yeah okay all right so then Tekken killer instincts Saturday night slam masters combats my uncles were really competitive at games yeah their sister your sisters brothers my mother yes sir others brothers yeah my mother is 15 years nine months older than me my uncle one of my uncle's is 14 years older than me and my other uncle is seven years nine months older than me and so they were sort of just like big brothers and so they got me into gaming really early on they got me into a lot of stuff really early on they got me thinking critically because my you know they would do different stuff they used to play like Mortal Kombat they would take it really serious they travel or on to arcades and stuff they would they would write down combos they would write down HP percentages you know were you it was fun it was exciting I remember because they used well sometimes they'd have their high school friends come over and they would have them play against me like for fun and their friends would think it's a joke or something and then they would lose to a four-year-old yeah so I I used to think it was so fun put those noobs in their place exactly so I'm gonna do man listen yeah if you guys take nothing else away from the stream you got to understand that your mission of life is to put noobs in their place you got to do no one else is gonna do it unless you rise to the challenge so that's that's how it started and then there was a time attack mode and punch-out and super punch-out on Super Nintendo and then sometimes they do like how fast they could complete Mario levels and so I was always thinking like about stuff like puzzles and speed okay and then I had a very early headstart on like math English everything I mean how did you do you remember how you felt during that time um I felt really good to be included or not I felt really cool to be hanging out with my uncles and I felt really cool that I was getting to learn stuff that my friends didn't but then it also made me feel detached from my friends okay did you like being yourself I liked learning and I was course I was actually bullied for it uh well I was I was bullied a lot all my life up until high school mostly because I was a kid laughs again I was the sick kid so I always went to the nurse's office I had super super pale skin my hair was like bleach blond white and so I looked kind of like gross and my clothes weren't like the best and stuff so the fact that I was like very nerdy and into games and like math and learning stuff and reading books and it wasn't very good and in kindergarten elementary school junior high I'm gonna ask questions that are just all over the place so hey allergies so you said that you had some problems with like allergies and asthma and stuff like that and you were taking AB you Lizer treatments are you still in treatment for like a topic stuff like asthma or so I actually have my ad bear behind me I've had to use it more this year than I have in the last ten which i think is just sort of coincidence but I've actually had to ask my attacks this year which is pretty scary it's pretty weird because I haven't I haven't struggled with my asthma since I was a teenager once puberty hit my asthma sort of just went away but my my allergies was because I had a dog growing up her name was Sasha and after she passed for some reason I was allergic to every cat and every dog like really really really about allergies I was allergic to dust pollen grass everything um yeah I was also tested I had to go to Mass General because they tested me for cystic fibrosis because my husband was so bad yep makes sense yeah give me a second I'm gonna think you you you I'm gonna need another minute okay you okay okay so I'm gonna ask you like a couple of one-off questions and then I'm gonna ask you stuff that's a little bit more like well like you know you can talk more are you are you angry with yourself Alice I mean yes I'm with myself and at myself how long have you is a with myself is obviously an internal and then out myself as external yeah how long have you been feeling that way since I can remember okay I know kind of a random question right no it makes sense why does it make sense identifying internal self-worth as well as external perception of oneself I mean I have audio how I then how I view myself from an external standpoint as well as how do I feel internally about maybe how I perceive myself so it's sort of both ways like you can feel that your outward appearance or how your perception of you is or you can acknowledge it as such and then internally feel something totally different but you I'm okay I still don't understand it both yeah what is that angry at both what are you angry at um I'm angry my inability to obviously solve this problem right oh that has plagued me the entire time and I'm angry at a lot of it who's a problem well I I think that that's a really loaded question right I I don't know how to answer that I I mean if it why is it a load of defecation [Music] well it's no one's problem right but my I mean it's it's no one thing or person in particular it would be a it would be a culmination of things potentially right environment or whatever else or it could be chemical imbalance I have no idea it's so many things yeah so it's hard for me pinpoint okay yeah you're absolutely correct it could be a lot of different things um okay so but you're angry with yourself for not being able to fix this thing yeah and despite a lot of efforts despite a lot of efforts right so what is that so it ultimately feels like failure because one of the things I strive to do and anything that I do analytically or creatively is try to identify problems understand how they work how they operate their foundation why they are the way that they are and then try to break them down like that but yeah obviously with myself can't so is it it when you say you can't you're saying that you've tried and it hasn't worked trying trying trying and failing yeah okay you are incredibly resilient yeah yeah I guess yeah do you but it's sort of like what I yeah I I'm cognizant of that but again it goes back to the original thing that we talked about earlier it's do in case there is in the sense of there's no purpose yet but in the event there is one I must do now okay there's no time for breaks can you can you tell me a little bit about your experiences with clinicians what's that what's that been like there was only three of them that were really good and the three of them that were really good they were they were all female if that matters because maybe there's something about that although I don't tend to have a preference anymore I guess a male to female but I remember when I was younger female was my preference for people to talk to and who I felt comfortable with mm-hmm one of them I had three different times because of the health insurance program allowed me to have them and because I was double covered I could basically have them for one block on one health insurance card and then another block and another health insurance card and then I had them one more time per week you need no no block I think a block was six months okay these were like programs and all three of these women crossed lines and what I mean by cross lines is I felt like they they went to bat for me in ways that other therapists or psychologists didn't and I know that they definitely did things that I think could have lost them their job and in regards to things that they said to my parents in defense of me or even even my school board one of them outright basically made the direct statement that the the the environment in my household was to blame for everything that was going on and that the constant deflection and looking to constantly pull me and put me in new doctors or clinicians in order to get one that agreed with what they thought was part of the problem and that that was the toxicity in itself sounds I remember the various I remember the the last night the last psychiatrist that I didn't go to I had an evaluation with one of my parents just walked out on the session a due to something that was said which I don't want to go into I'm sure I dream but it was definitely it was it was a holy [ __ ] that just happened moment for me because I never up there to me something I felt like [ __ ] cheering or something like I felt like crying because this guy just I don't know like snapped his fingers within an hour and just said I know what's going on here and said it point-blank I had to walk home that day it was it was a six mile walk home so I got like to hug his office um I was I was alone when I got home I was alone a lot from 13 to 17 I was alone a lot the other two therapists that you said were really good were not this psychiatrist these are other women who went nowhere yeah they were in the same program as whereas that sounds so basically once the program would cut one of the clinicians I would move on to another one mm-hm and so there were just cycles and cover yeah what so what did they do that from the appointments the appointments were only supposed to be like one hour but they would go over by a lot just to talk about random stuff I know that the expenses were only supposed to cover like $10 per visit because we would we would drive somewhere like a coffee shop or a cafe but they would pay out-of-pocket so we could go nicer places and to my knowledge III don't know if they did this with other clients or something but it felt nice but we talked about like a lot of yeah it sort of felt like a mom I know that sound and it sounds really weird but that's how it it's it really I looked forward to the the therapy appointments because they were common it felt like I could talk to someone that wasn't judging me about anything and that actually cared about what I was saying to them okay so we've got a couple of options LS yeah the first is there are some things that I can just I can just start talking and sort of share what I think with you at this point the chances that I'm wrong or way higher them the chances that I'm right because I'm gonna make a lot of really bold claims I don't know I think a piece of that is gonna be almost like ego gratifying because I feel like I understand you and I understand a lot of your problems I don't know that that actually helps you though because that's I think that's really more for my benefit and showmanship than actually trying to help you so or but but I also sort of do recognize that sometimes when people talk to me and you know they're they're not looking to necessarily be asked a thousand questions they're really looking more for answers so I'll kind of leave it up to you what would you rather have me do because I still have a lot of questions that I want to ask and I can try to walk you to things in a little bit probably more productive way although it'll be slower or we can kind of jump to the punch line of the joke but chances are that it's not going to be as funny because I haven't said the whole joke like the punchline is only funny if you like hear the whole joke right yeah so what what do you want to do should I ask you more questions or should I share some thoughts you can ask more if you want because I mean we're barely touching on age 13 it gets really bad the next few years that's when that's when the therapy kicked up to 25 30 hours that's the hospitalizations that's the the suicide stuff that's the yeah that'sthat's the dark period that's the not going to school the truancy the courts the wayward petitions the judges juvenile detention center yeah that's all of that stuff I know this is gonna sound strange but I'm not so interested in that okay I know it's weird but I know I think I think that's sort of the I don't know how to put this beyond I think that the setup for all that stuff has already happened okay but if you'd like me to ask you more questions I have questions kind of not so much about the details because I mean kind of I know you've watched dreams before so sometimes people will talk like you know they'll start talking about for example bipolar disorder anxiety we don't necessarily go into that stuff I think a lot of that stuff is clinically very relevant but I I don't know that what I'm doing I mean what I'm doing here is not clinical so in a sense a lot of those very important details like don't get me wrong incredibly important I have no doubt that that's actually vitally important stuff but what I'm sensing from you is like like something that's a little bit more fundamental in terms of the way that you look at yourself the way that you formed in an opinion about yourself the way that you were treated and what has worked in therapy so like so what what I mean we can talk more about your history if you'd like but that's not the direction of questions that I have although we may get there I'm not so interested in details I'm interested in sort of your sense of how you experience certain things and how you view certain model so more questions as you think best to proceed I've gone down so many different lines if that's what you want to call them with different therapy sessions all right you know what I mean let's ask let's ask twitch chat then twitch chat what should we do should we do questions or share our thoughts questions okay ask more okay so tinny tell me a little bit about you said your mom was a is in psychiatry she works on the psychiatric unit okay and is it okay if I ask in what capacity mmm I don't want to give away too much okay sure I'm not run yeah no I mean there's a reason why I asked is it okay if I ask yeah yeah I'm curious cuz um okay and you haven't mentioned anything about your dad um my dad uh so he was autumn I he was in my life until like four or five and then he disappeared until I was like nine or ten and then he was in and out my stepmother however is active she's actively still in my life along with my grandmother I've talked to my mother I've seen my mother once in the last decade and I've talked to her less than a handful of times but I haven't talked to her now in four years he life father it's by my choice I tried to make I tried to make stuff hat or work or something the last time I was there or in Rhode Island that was worlds 2016 and it didn't seem like there was anything I could say or do that would allow us to not be stuck in 2008 or 2009 or anything like that are you guys stuck in 2008 and 2004 we get there let me ask you something yeah in your professional career yeah when people talk about depression and it impacts you negatively does it feel like people are using a part of you against you it feels like a cop-out because anyone who's willing to use something like that against me doesn't possess enough knowledge of it in the first off to even talk about it second off to make that assertion and then third off it I think it shows on a pretty surface level that they're they're ignorant and they're not willing to go deeper because there's so many questions that can branch out from mmm-hmm depression that's so far more rational and collected answer than I was expecting it's a far more forgiving answer than I was expecting okay how are you with forgiveness I tend not to hold grudges and with other played yeah with other people and I can I can feel a lot of vindictive feelings in in very brief moments but if I know them to be wrong or unjust or something else it doesn't really matter to me all that much so you're I've had like a vindictiveness or anger towards others don't matter they don't matter because I I realized that it doesn't do anything like I don't I don't know how to explain this but like nothing good comes of it I I've had I've had a lot of money stolen from me for instance in recent years by people that were close to me or people that had access to my like PayPal Gmail etc right people that I had trusted or confided him and at the end of the day um it wasn't enough to make me lose sleep and there was reasons that they were in that spot that they felt like they had to do that and so I tried to you know recover or get back as much as I possibly could and for what I couldn't it's my fault and even if they made a bad choice in a bad action I could have done more preventive measures which I do now but I don't [ __ ] here because it's not something that caused me harm I think the only things that I would ever hold severe grudges over is maybe something that attempted to seriously harm me but I haven't encountered something like that I'm lying I'm sorry I'm not like I'm not intentionally lying there's one thing but I won't talk about it under stream that happened two and a half ago let me just let me see if I understand you when someone steals money from you whose fault is it ultimately it's mine because I I gave the person the ability to do that okay and there's ways that I could have prevented it which I know now so even though they made the choice I made myself vulnerable so there's definitely a way where we can say that it's not my fault but because I know now what I didn't know then it just wouldn't happen now compared to before how long is your fault I think most things are I think most bad things that end up happening to me I end up looking back at it and being like yeah I could have made a different play or I took the I took how long have things been your fault anything bad since I can remember of course okay now I'm gonna share some thoughts hmm hold on a second do you blame your mom for y'all's relationship I try to understand her point of view which I was I I think now you try to hide your point of view both I try to empathize with her do you like if I had yes I try to do both and then I get stuck in this this weird limbo where I don't know what to think like I try to imagine if I had an 11 year old right now holy [ __ ] I don't [ __ ] know what I would do but also what would that have done to me at 17 18 19 20 21 I can't how do you empathize with yourself what what that was that was very helpful by the way when you sort of said like if I had an 11 year old right now I don't know what I would do so you try to put yourself in her shoes you try to be understanding even when it sounds like people are like steal money from you you sort of try to understand that they were in a desperate of desperation a lot a lot of people see people with problems and they don't care about well what made them that way there's always a story doesn't just happen unless we're talking about psychopathy or something but that's a different demon you don't look at people who are actively stealing or they're doing things and think that's just who they are no that's who they became as a byproduct of so Alice how did you become the way that you are what is a story what made you into the person that you are so I think the way that I perceive things I think is obviously a byproduct of the way that my uncle's race or raised me in terms of like how I think like structured or puzzles and whatnot but I think that the lack of Russian affection okay sorry yeah the the lack of affection and emotional stuff stems from I think no one ever really understood me from my family due to an accelerated childhood leading to me feeling detached from my peers around me to to feeling intellectually accelerated than them thus creating a disconnect okay okay stop cetera et cetera well I mean this that was my yeah all right okay LS so there's one thing right so one is that no one asks the question of why they became why they're doing the things that they're doing and how they got to be that way right and then I asked you the question which is actually the first question how did you become the way that you are but I think the real question is who didn't ask why you are the way you are who didn't give you the benefit of the doubt that you give everyone who hurts you that that's that's that's the very question for therapists that meant the most to me asked the school board the same way that you just phrased it almost and I remember I remember the room that day I just remember the look on everyone's face because obviously it no one does ask that can you hear me yeah okay what was the question that they added that she asked the school board she asked the school board all of you got all of you were talking about the things that he's doing or why he's behaving this way but none of you are asking why or what's causing him to act like this and the look on everyone's face including my mother's was just they were stupefied as if they obviously don't have an explanation because they're ignoring mrs. so it that felt really good because I knew obviously there's reasons I'm doing the things that I'm doing and it just felt like no one cared about what I felt or how I was feeling because I I felt so out of place growing up constantly yeah I mean I've always thought alone I still feel alone which maybe is I mean we can get into this maybe later on but like there's lots of people around me and I I try to allow my house to be open to like pros that want to come out here in bootcamp or I try to help boot campers get set up and stuff cuz it's stuff that I would have been Droid when I was younger or that I needed when I was younger but also I realized that maybe there's like a there's a there's a compound there where I'm extremely lonely and so it's a way of feeling like there's family okay yeah I'm gonna share some thoughts and I think we had we were skirting on the surface of some stuff that I thought was pretty significant but I I'm not quite sure why so first thing Ellis is I think I think you can get better and I think you can feel better let me put it that way I don't think you have to continue feeling the way that you are and I don't think that it is your fault that you feel the way that you do and I think that the challenge here is that no one showed you how to cut yourself a break for your behavior and you don't cut yourself a break you write you you sort of ask the question you come up with a beautiful intelligent highly accurate theory about why you are the way that you are but you don't you don't let that take the bite out of your self-hatred the goal of saying that there like this kid is not so like the goal of asking why is this kid acting out is to explain to everyone and for everyone to be on the same page that it's not this kids fault that he's not succeeding and so I think that you you're able to construct a theory of like why you're the way that you are but I don't think you let that theory absolve you of responsibility that make sense yeah no my sons and our that's a fancy ass way of saying forgiveness which is something that I think is very alien to you when it comes to you so you blame yourself for all kinds of things even when it's not your fault and this starts with the displacing blame and then ends up with this frankly really [ __ ] weirdly cognitively distorted thing about when people steal from you it's their fault and like I get that if your Buddha or Jesus fine but you're not and neither am i so there's something weird going on there and so then we get to all kinds of judge this is just weird I mean this is [ __ ] weird so first of all very very severe asthma allergy benadryl three nebulizers a day that resolves around teenagers so asthma gets better and teenagers people tend to grow out of it but we're talking about a very very severe illness that basically disappears and then is gone for a decade what happens people grow out of it absolutely happens allergies that get to cats and dogs that get worse after a cat dies dog dog yeah it's kind of weird thousands of hours of therapy shunting you off to treat er after treat her after treat her because you're sick and you're broken who thought you were sick and broken my entire mother's side of the family my dad didn't know what to think and my stepmother thought that I was fine okay so this sounds like some I mean I'm gonna toss out a word that is that is sort of a diagnostic thing which I I'm not trying to be irresponsible because I have no way of diagnosing this I don't know I don't have one percent of the information that I should have before using these words this is some Munchausen's by proxy level [ __ ] man do you know what that is yeah that's so yeah Munchausen is when the the the parent over medicates the child and actually makes them sick I know all about it it was looked into during my adolescence and stuff it was a very big argument during custody so so like I don't know that this actually is what happened but like I'm getting the sense because I've seen this before where like it's like someone has the perception that the child is just sick and needs to be fixed and needs to be fixed and needs to be fixed and since it's get sense to treat her and treat her and treat her and treat her and treat her and I have no doubt that you know you actually had symptoms and stuff like that because a lot of these have like objective tests and it's not that it's all psychological I mean so like your your physical health seems very psychosomatic to me which means that there's an influence of mind and body which is sort of like what I am interested in and so it sort of makes sense like you know I'd be wondering if you if you've had two asthma attacks over the last year like what's been going on so there's like good evidence that stress makes atopic disease worse so you have atopic disease asthma allergies things like that eczema is another thing that you may have so like these are all atopic diseases that are reduced to stress chronic inflammatory diseases that relate to stress this is weird the other thing is that there is one reason there's one common factor that I've seen time and time and time again as to why everyone blames themselves and it's actually like the most devastating lesson I learned in psychiatry so and it comes down to theory of mind so when you're a young child and before you have conceptions of other people's theory like like other people's existence so like like if I do something to you that lasts like let's say I smack you across the face whose fault is that I assume you're an [ __ ] yes that is the correct answer I was shaking my head for a second because I think of all the people that are gonna bend over backwards and say that it's it's not my fault in that it's your fault you're gonna say that because that's what you say about most things which would kind of prove my point and that gets to the punchline but anyway so it's my fault right if I punch you across the face it's my fault now if you do not have a conception that other human beings exist and you get hurt whose fault is that mine absolutely because you're the only thing that exists right yeah if you're like if you're sitting in a room by yourself and like no one is there and you like feel pain like whose fault is that then yeah it's mine so this is what's so devastating about abuse of very very young children so when children are super super young they don't have theory of mind and so when they get abused and they get hurt they don't understand that like it's an adult that's hurting them they think it's their fault and they develop this sense that like when people hurt me it's my fault because that's what they were in the one thread that I hear from you time and time and time again is first of all you get blamed for being who you are people don't cut you slack you don't get to be yourself whether it's pushing you to do riddles or being judged for being depressed and professional impacts I don't even know we talked a little bit about wayward and stuff like that you know before you came on stream but like I can imagine that that you know your mom didn't treat you like a son like she treated you like a problem like she didn't let you be you and you know your words not mine in terms of the three therapists that helped you like how did they help you they didn't help you through therapy they helped you through caring because like you can have thousands of hours of therapy and if you don't have like a clinical problem like if it's not like like no wonder nothing is working because it's not like and this I shared with you before stream as well like I I once had a very wise psychiatrist tell me and blew my mind because I've been testing this ever since he told me this if you ever see a patient who has three diagnoses they're all wrong because that's just not I mean I don't know that that's absolutely true but I think a lot of times people get labeled with diagnoses and they get put into treatment and like everyone is missing the point because they're trying to treat like this thing over here but that's not the problem so in your case I think first of all somewhere along the way you and my hype I'm telling you like I mean I've I don't know if I've talked about this before publicly but I talked about this a fair amount it's just it when you have young children who were abused this is the this is the way they think and trauma is the thing that masquerades is every other like psychiatric diagnosis and what what I'm seeing in you is just like that that you know somewhere along the way I don't know why but it's like your mom just didn't let you be you and she she took the person that you were and she in her mind or in your own taught you that that is wrong that like what you are is pathological and that you're just like fundamentally like you're busted in some way and I I think that you have a lot of these feelings and I think some of the stuff that you're doing I mean not say that this is your fault but you know you talk about these brief feelings of vindictiveness and anger and other people like and then you say to yourself those are unproductive so you dismiss them but those are the feelings that you need to feel to move out this because those are the feelings that you actually deserve to feel like that's you know the process of grieving like involves anger right like getting pissed at someone like you don't actually forgive them because you you can't forgive anyone unless they hurt you but you don't think that people hurt you you blame yourself so you're incapable of forgiving anyone else like forgiveness requires someone hurt you and somewhere in there I don't know if you know how to forgive yourself but I think I think that's something you should learn too and we can talk about more and I mean just as this thread of like not being allowed to be yourself right being bullied being given riddles being pathologized at a young age your mom trying to get rid of you and you're apparently teenage years something like that I mean I don't know if I fully understand that but you know and and then there are people who actually like treat you like what are the therapists that have helped it's like the people who have treated you like a person they let you be like who you are and have introduced you to a diagnosis have introduced you to a behavior have introduced you to a particular thing and they've said like hey this is a full and complete person and it's not his fault and none of you all have the wherewithal all you guys are doing is you're blaming LS you're blaming LS you're blaming Alice and no one is bothering to ask a lie and then poor thing LS that's what was modeled for you so that's what you learned how to do blame yourself blame yourself blame yourself and there's a part of you that struggles intellectually you understand that there are reasons you are this way and so you come up with these theories that I think are really good but that's all up here it's not in here that's got to change you yeah [Music] that's questions I know that it has to change it's the inability because it's aware of itself and I know it sounds really weird to talk about it like that but it is good no it's my one of my therapists used to call it I remember I got memed about this or not me and it got joked about the the therapist called it something like a I don't remember the exact phrasing like a chronic chaos syndrome or something the the need to cause chaos or chronic or problems in order to feel normal because it's all that i-i've known and that it was very present in my household and so I'm aware of that what you're saying is accurate I'm wearing that I'm aware that it's necessary my brain the way that I think the way that I construct things the way that I compartmentalize things won't allow it to happen what I said to my my last two shrinks was I told them both I've done this rodeo hundreds of hours I'm aware of this but I think the only way that it's gonna happen is if somehow it happens through like trickery okay what I mean is that in excellent it's happening without my conscious awareness absolutely because my conscious will fight you or not you but no whoever the doctor or the clinician is right right so it there's two entities there's the illness which we'll just refer to as a monster right I don't want to use demon case anyone with religious backgrounds think that's like really [ __ ] weird the monster is aware of what's trying to happen likes to live it likes to thrive yeah and so when it becomes aware that it's getting attacked or that there's a need to remove it it will start doing things to not allow that to happen whether through thought processes creating problems etc and obviously my conscious mind will resist and so I've theorized and what I said to the last two doctors the only way to break this is to bypass the conscious mind somehow with some epiphanies or something great I am I haven't [ __ ] found a way good so so yeah you know yeah so you remember earlier when I said I think you can get better I don't think so I thought I never do I think so yeah I guess so I often times do what you're saying that's that's a lot of how I work so I'm all about bypassing the conscious mind and that's why often times you want to say things to me and that I just could you know I just don't care right like you'll be talking about like something that seems like super important because it's all coming from up here and I could give two shits about that that's not where the money is and I think if I'd let you talk and I had asked you lots of questions about your very rich history we would be nowhere but I think we're somewhere so all we got to do is bypass your conscious mind that can be done do you know how to meditate I've tried meditation in the past one of the clinicians used to do meditation but that gives me a ton of hope do you know why why because if you had said yes I know how to meditate and I've meditated for a long time and I've spent a lot of time studying meditation and learning how to meditate then I would be Sol because the basic thing that I think is gonna help you is gonna be meditation but if you don't know how to do it and you've only dabbled in you haven't really done it then there's a good chance there's still hope for you the other thing that I think we need to teach you how to do is feel your emotions so depression is anger turned against the self this is what one of the psychoanalyst it's believed that essentially like what we call depression is just anger that's directed inwardly as opposed to outwardly and I think that makes sense for you so I think you just have a lot of anger your problem is not I mean so once again oversimplifying etc so I'm glad you're actually seeing real you know treat treaters and stuff because they're gonna know better than I do because they've spent the time to learn all about you whereas I have not at the same time I think it starts by letting yourself feel anger right it starts by you saying and this is a hard thing to say that this happened to me and it really shouldn't have in it's shitty and there's no explaining it and it sucks and I did not deserve it but it happened anyway because your mind is so good at creating meaning and so good at creating logic and so good at creating explanations that just random acts of violence and awfulness just have no place in your head which is really what you should acknowledge is that sometimes just bad [ __ ] happens and you don't deserve it but your inability to like experience that means that you've got this weird like you're like a septic tank that's just full and like never drains because like bad [ __ ] happens to you and happens to you and happens to you and no one and you just blame yourself and so like no like the blame just sits within you you're like just just a cesspool of you know stuff and so I think it's actually oddly enough I mean the first thing that I try to do is feel anger just start there and just feel it and learn how to meditate and then we can talk further but I mean I think I think there's hope for you because I think if you're generally speaking I tend to be hopeful when I understand people because I think if I understand them that means that there's some sort of like logic or rhythm to it and there's like a system and if you understand the system then you can improve the system now I'm not saying it's easy I'm not saying it's gonna happen anytime soon but at the end of the day LSU just have some I mean I think some really like low-hanging fruit in terms of the way that you look at yourself the lack of things that you do your tendency to over intellectualize and like push away your feelings because they don't matter to you I think it's also very hopeful to me because you understand this so like I don't know if you remembered let me just see can I hold on is it okay if I show people the last few DMS starting starting starting like this can I share that with people yeah sure so like this is what we're talking about chat so these last DMS that I sent you because I'm glad you recognized it as an is its own thing yeah so like it's its own voice I've referred to it as another me yes oh good I know it sounds really weird to say it's no but the easiest analogy is to compare it to like a religious possession right it's an at its another entity it's another person that is aware of itself and that will stop it no means to defend itself yes and this comes back as my original question which is do you want to let go of fear no the answer is no no right so this thing that I call the badness like there's a thing inside you that we absolutely have to bypass because this thing is a protective mechanism it's a survival mechanism and it's not going to abandon you because it's afraid that if it abandons you then you've got nothing it's fear it's blame it's agency its power because if everything is your fault then you have a road forward so it's subtle and it's it's dangerous and this is the really important thing to understand about it it's not bad or evil it's something that you needed for a long time to keep you alive in this situation and now it's time to move past which is not destroy it which is not make it go away which is actually to like help it calm down because it's trying to protect you so the way it's kind of like getting a guard dog that's like super agitated like how do you get it to calm down you got to get it to calm down yeah and it's gonna be with you for the rest of your life but it doesn't have to control you thoughts questions yeah well I mean I I agree with everything you're saying I just don't know how I have never yeah I've never I've never found it in fact one of the really sad things a few shrinks past my case along sure which is that that that's some of the work that that's one of the worst feelings yeah but that's I mean that's something you must be very coastal with because people um passing it made me it eventually made me get to a point where I just thought it almost made me feel special in a weird way like my case was so [ __ ] up because I didn't have violent tendencies didn't have drug abuse I was always straightedge I've never even dabbled and stuff etc I was just this depressed anxious kid and for some reason shrinks and therapists were giving up and so it made me think there was just no end game because we always tried to hit it with so many different things CBT different medication different styles different approaches and nothing ever worked so it always just comes full circle to doesn't matter how I'm feeling I'm gonna get up every day because I must yeah because you know so that's that's the thing right so like that's what we need to change is that like it does matter what you're feeling that's what's got to change because like right now you have all of this just emotion pent up within you and it has nowhere to go so it starts to cannibalize like that's what the psychoanalysts I think I mean I'm not an expert in this mean by like depression is anger turned against the self and you're not willing to give your anger to others so it's just got like in you know it's like it just doesn't disappear like that's not how emotions work and so there may be a lot of stuff around gaming and things in terms of like coping mechanisms and things like that um but yeah I mean I'm hopeful for you in the sense that or let me put it this way I'm not willing to give up hope on you yet because I think that you have a very good understanding of what is going on inside you I think it's good that you understand that this thing has a vested interest in staying alive and staying strong and that you do have to bypass it completely agree you're not there are there ways to do that I mean literally meditation is the process of shutting off your mind and you if you shut off your mind this thing will turn off too so anyway I think there are a lot of things that we're gonna I'm gonna talk about a little bit later in terms of Karma which is like how to find purpose and meaning in life cuz I think you've got a lot of other stuff too like sort of the the what would you call like the reaching the plateau and it feeling empty summit syndrome yes the actual term for it yeah we're gonna actually talk about I mean that that's so so I prepared something like a lecture which I think is the first step to solving that problem there are other things that that you know I'm hopeful for you I mean I I've worked with some people who really are treatment refractory and sometimes I'm not able to help them but I've also had a fair number of people whose other psychiatrists turn away and and like have seen person after person after person after person and end up trying some of these things and then they get better and so I'm foolishly optimistic no okay what are you feeling so bite my initial thought right is what type of people were the ones that you couldn't help now it's my initial thought and then what kind of demographic would that be and based on the language that you've used with me in the short time that we've interacted with each other things that you've talked about and the questions what type of personality would not be receptive to such stuff and then I try to match it to mine and I look for the mirrors and the Cascades and try to think what that could mean for yesterday and puzzle yeah so you know what we're gonna do okay well not answer your question okay nice right so what where is that question operating no I'm just I'm relaying it to you that that's my initial thought X that's all so now I'm gonna ask you where is that question operating what part of you does it operate them it's kind of a weird question um the be hope part yes so even simply it operates within your MO so basically right but the light and will refer to it as the light in the darkness right so the light wants to ask something and the darkness drives it out not only that but sometimes the light gets answers in the darkness co-op's the answers and reinforces its beliefs about you correct yes yes that's why I'm not gonna answer I'm not gonna play that [ __ ] game because no matter what I say right right the darkness is gonna win you're right if I play the game the darkness is gonna win because it it takes all of the beautiful questions that the light asks and then warps them and turns it into this weird zombie salami right so right now I feel like that's like it's like it's it's it's a one battle right but then it's perceiving the it it's a war right yeah so I know that's really [ __ ] up today or maybe it maybe it's just not to say that I know I'm okay just you could think whatever like you're conceptualizing abstracting understanding understanding and we're just not gonna indulge and it looks like okay I should say something because we've had a couple people Sears up his gifted us like a thousand subs so thank you sir so what I can't actually count how many there are but I probably should have I don't know people have been sometimes people are like gifting and donating a lot and then just get lost in here yeah so people thank you all for the subs I I mean I don't know there's just too many on the screen so maybe it's less people are saying it's 40 or to 50 40 I don't know I can't count I'm a psychiatrist because I can't do math if I could do math I would have been engineer mathematician economist finance okay last questions LS for you huh any questions you have no no yeah okay let me see there are a couple of questions okay so here's a question question anger turned against yourself any backstory or a book whatever to indulge into it because it seems crucial I don't know what that means but anger turned against yourself yes so I mean I don't know how else to explain it but I don't know if you guys are getting this but ls has a really pathologic absence of anger right unless like you should be angry at all comics well this is interesting I never felt anger until this year I what I mean by anger is I never fell urges to lash out or anything okay but I've had instances of it this year but it was I attributed it to certain triggers which I've identified and then managed okay so it yeah everyone is talking about you playing league and how that's clearly BS so let me just okay so what they're referring to there's a rate there's rage compilation clips and basically what's happening is when you stream for ten twelve hours a day and you have people tell you things that aren't true or ask you things repeatedly over and over there's breaking points when you have so much other noise going on and so I lash out because it feels like any answers I give or say is irrelevant anyway and I already don't want to be doing what I'm doing but I'm doing it out of fear and they can't see it as such and so I lash out that I can't actually convey to them what is truly happening and so I don't I wouldn't call that anger in the way that someone else would call it anger I don't know what you just said but once again that's a very beautiful intellectual you know like analytical I mean I don't know I thought I thought that much is clear to my mind you don't blame them I'm not trying to I'm not trying to like say that what you're saying I'm not trying to dismiss what you're saying I really do think I'm not being sarcastic I think it's like very well thought out and very well analyzed I'm just saying that like that's not that's not what's gonna get you better I also think that like rage rage in gaming is it so it's it's whole separate thing right like that's yeah it's just manifests itself through gaming you start getting angry not at the game it's you're thinking about what someone else is doing to you you start taking it personal or you start thinking their life problems and struggles that you're being made aware of duty things that are happening like maybe you committed 20 20 minutes or 30 minutes to a game the game didn't go your way because the game didn't go your way you only had one hour free time that day you think about all the time that was wasted you really got to learn how to just shut that off man I can't it's always going I know times the that's why I'm saying you got to learn how to shut it off just Jesus okay I'm gonna give you another question we're gonna ask him other question okay no the only time it shuts off is when I'm eating if that's interesting for you okay so I actually get very mad talk to me when I'm eating it's peaceful okay so you're analyzing again I'm always analyzing yes I know so just just stop first I'm trying to catch on okay yes I wanted twitch chat' saying eat more feelings okay how do you know when you should cut ties in a toxic relationship or invest in trying to make it better okay so that's kind of an interesting question any thoughts about that tell us how how to I'm sorry how do you know when to invest and cut ties in a toxic relationship or invest in making it better when both or what I guess when one party is heading in another direction than the other would be a pretty good indicator of when ties need to be cut because normally relationships are founded upon mutual interests or mutual direction right I think that's actually how humans can originally become attracted right is when they realize that there's some sort of direction that they can go with one another sometimes there's really [ __ ] up versions where people look for broken people because they realized the direction they want to go in is by dragging someone and that's obviously a dark path but toxic if there's ever a separation of paths in either one party I would imagine that would be best to cut ties okay yeah I mean I think that makes sense I think the challenge is that a lot of people have trouble seeing that and they have trouble seeing that you guys let people aren't on the same page so my answer to that question would be a little bit different so I think when it comes to a relationship this is I guess we're to the talk that we're gonna have which a lot of these questions do so that tells me it's a good talk so you should do your daughter mine the relationship and you shouldn't do more than what you're autonomous so I think the what I mean by that is your Dharma means your duty or responsibility so you should do what your part of the relationship is and you should not do more so for example I think a lot of when you talk about invest in making it better a lot of people invest in relationships trying to fix them but you can't fix a relationship it takes two people to fix a relationship so how do you it's and it's not about cutting ties or investing it's about doing what you should do doing your daughter more to the relationship and then not doing any more so another brilliant psychiatrist once told me something that I think is just amazing the doctor who goes at the extra mile for the patient goes a mile too far okay and so I think you should do what you're supposed to do in a relationship and then like that's it don't do more because you can't do the other person's portion right like you can take 50% of the relationship on your shoulders but if you cross over into 51% or 60% or 70% you can't take that away from them it's just not going to work it's not gonna be a healthy relationship which doesn't mean that all relationships are like 5050 like sometimes you know doing your part of the relationship is temporarily or even sustainably doing more than then they are so it's not about 50/50 it's like what's your tournament so you know I I don't mean to say I think you should be your part and sometimes your part is 50/50 if you've got like a younger brother who's like disabled or handicapped like your Dharma in that relationship is gonna be greater than his in terms of like bringing the groceries in from the car so it's to do your entire mind to do no more so I think you should invest what you're supposed to and then don't I and if they don't reciprocate or they don't do what they're supposed to do then then that relationship is over not even then like cut ties implies that you never engage in that relationship again but I think that that too so you may have like let's say your your LS is estranged with his mom so I think his Dharma is to do you know it depends on the specifics of the situation but generally speaking to try to be a good son and if at some point you know I I'm not saying that you I'm not placing a judgment on you but in my mind I think that if at some point she comes around and and starts to behave like normally and recognizes that things have changed and she's really trying to turn over a new leaf I think yeah it is a dharma of a psychotic yeah to like meeting the right way yeah yeah but but that LS can't can't go 90 percent of the way like that's just not gonna be healthy it's not gonna work so that's that's okay so has anything with your parents relationship affected you in any way that would contribute to the way your mental state works not be intruding or anything but wondering if it could be a route to such a problem which it may not but in the odd case if it is please please try to reflect on this so do you think anything with your parents relationship affected you in any way that would contribute to your the way your mental state works everything yeah right my hand literally everything hearing hearing my own name is really weird like even right now right we keep using LS hearing Nick is or well hearing Nicholas is really weird because that that's only what my mother would call me sometimes but usually I only heard Nick from like my uncle's my cousins etc right and so if I didn't see them that often where obviously there's other ways to refer to someone in person which is just to address them in a generic sense like hey or just starts talking in the direction and whatnot but hearing derogatory words used to refer to me it was very common growing up so you know hearing bastard or son-of-a-bitch or [ __ ] you know anything uh different different people like not all like yet people that were yeah yeah family members that I had eight people growing up my Gretel my grandparents my uncle's my sister and aunts on yeah I don't know my stance on yeah so and then my mother ended up getting her own house when I think I turned 12 she ended up getting her own house but I didn't move in with her until after my grandfather passed okay and then I lived with my father and stepmother briefly and then I went back to living with my father and stepmother and then I ended up living with my stepmother because my stepmother and my father got a divorce and my stepmother kept me unbeknownst to my mother but refused to let my father take me hmm my stepmoms one of the closest people in my life still it's basically her and my grandmother now yeah it sounds like she's more like a real mom yeah I would I would call her mom I don't but I mean I I could for all intents and purposes I have known her since I was two or something yeah so another question for you so for LS does he realize that he has viewers that care about him and respect him does that affect him I've thought about this a lot I get really mad when people credit me with things that I don't actually deserve or that I didn't do I get really mad in general with false credit or I get really angry when people don't properly evaluate people in this industry or just in general so sometimes when I talk to people that are like fans of me or acquaintances or something if they falsely attributed me with me with stuff due to like nepotism or something else I actually get pretty angry not angry in the way that we're talking about anger I just get very very frustrated and I want them to do better or I want them to not credit me falsely hurt or something like that and return in regards to like people that care that's it's a really weird thing to say because people always say that they they care but only if it benefits them in some way is how I perceive that because people always say they care no they don't they care when it benefits them in some way because altruism truism am I saying this right [ __ ] genuine care or one-sided I've never seen instances of it there's always something that is benefiting it sometimes maybe someone will drop groceries you'll go over a girl or a little smile is falling apart yeah it's clipping out the hole up all the way freaking it Oh hold on let me reconnect okay but we don't need so I think what we managed to do is when we asked LS how do you feel about your viewers caring about you we managed to actually answer the previous question which is where the was the way that you raised by your parents does that affect your mental state and here we see the answer right this is the answer we're seeing it so now you guys see Hey can you hear me yep as your dream live again okay yep my stream has been live so the the grocery thing is interesting so I there's there's there's two points of it one is observed by public and one is not observed so Wendy I'm confused so okay so if if someone is carrying groceries and they drop their groceries and someone goes over and if someone goes over and picks up the groceries and gives it to the how to keep the person says thank you and smiles and there's people that can perceive that as they care for the other person but what they care about in my eyes or most likely is seeing the smile in the thank you so that they can feel self gratitude or something else it's not a hundred percent nice or a hundred percent caring there is something in it for them and then the non observed one is the one that I have to think more about when there's no one else around to see the groceries what are they really doing that for but then maybe it's because of a memory of another relative or something else and they imagine that that person would like if someone did it for them and so they're doing it to live vicariously through a memory or something I don't [ __ ] know anyways um I don't even think most of the people living in my house actually care about me which is fine I think that they're aware of Who I am in this industry and what it means to potentially be around me and that's fine I care about like setting them up and making sure that they have stuff that I didn't have in my early years in Korea and as it's it's a really weird feeling what do you get out of that uh well I the the loneliness thing sort of covered right I've thought about that angle that we talked about earlier there's people around I obviously get the yeah I do still feel lonely but there's a difference between feeling lonely and having my own thoughts echo off itself versus there's other people around it's something weird I don't know maybe it has to do with something with yeah I don't think you understand what caring looks like I made okay to be blunt it sucks yeah I mean I think people genuinely care about you and I don't think you know getting back to your wonderful question which is why are you this way and I think it's because you didn't have a whole lot of people Express caring about you and goes back to all the stuff about you know not being able to be the person that you are not being accepted for who you are being shaped in one way being blamed at one way there we go again there it is fairness so notice yeah notice it notice of course I can notice it okay so so close your eyes close your eyes okay close your eyes okay sure okay now nope keep it closed okay close close your eyes okay okay notice that thing within you that wants to speak right what does it feel like I feel like context I feel like every piece of a puzzle matters and that it can't truly be understood without every piece okay so so and is it important to understand a puzzle I feel like we're making we're trying to solve the wheel of fortune puzzle without just having every letter when Z you knock with more lines what do you feel I feel like I want you to know every letter what does that feel like in your body it feels like a it feels like an absence of a hundred percent okay what does that feel like good now we're getting somewhere yeah it just doesn't feel complete it's empty yes ninety-nine percent is the same thing as zero beautiful what does that feel like describe the physical sensations yes good frustration yeah frustration with who uh everything now you're just people huh frustrated with you yeah yeah myself frustrated with me no not well yeah kind of there we go good job good job yeah but everything yeah good yeah what's your mind doing right now compartmentalizing the conversation okay right but for a moment it wasn't now you're back we so we took that thing whether we call the badness or the demon or whatever and we knocked it off base for a few seconds few seconds yeah yeah and now it's back it righted itself right it's an operating it yeah and the goal is to keep trying to get small victories there it is there it is you see it it's back good so open your eyes yeah good you've taken your first step forward how does that feel I've done this a few times good its yeah it's okay in the moments it feels relieving and then it sucks right back in yes and okay let's understand this okay cuz we should okay we got to stop this interview soon but let's understand this because I can't let these go okay yeah why do you get sucked back in you feel relief right and you felt relief because you were anger at who who who were you angry at um I think that you're respecting me to say me here you're expecting me to say me but now I'm starting to think about childhood people right now [ __ ] no you're you're angry at me right like you were like why doesn't this [ __ ] guy let me talk I just want to talk like no no I just actually started giving angry childhood people oh okay weird all right so baby this is gonna be way easier than I thought I thought that we would have this time where like me you get angry at me and that would be displaced anger and it would take you a while to be angry at people in my childhood I played out all the lines and I have Rove or I I arrived at the end of the lines it must original it must deduce down to that's not what I'm talking about I'm not talking about the end of the line so we're gonna have to do this again so we're gonna train your mind to meditate and notice what is in the moment because I do I would be very surprised if you were actually angry at people in your childhood my sense not genuinely I actually I'm thinking about three in particular I know that sounds weird but are you normally angry with people in your childhood or is this new for you no this is this is this is kind of new I'm thinking about it a lot right now okay so then you keep going so I'm gonna just leave you where you are and you just sort that out I'm actually gonna say normally rationalize it no yes you just okay so let's go back to why do you stop feeling relief do you understand this other thoughts start making more noise and then exactly so your mind reactivates and you start deducing again and when you are deducing you don't feel good because your deductions are full of like cognitive biases so the machine starts that's why it's temporary because you can't restrain the machine the machine of the mind is just going going going and it's deducing deducing deducing understanding understanding understanding which is brilliant brilliant brilliant and also away from your feelings away from your feelings away from your feelings yeah so we just the less your machine is active the more you can restrain yourself and the more you can just be in the moment the more you will start to feel better and like understand things like people in your childhood deserve hatred like that's what you need right is to like if someone did something shitty to you instead of blaming yourself blame them and it sounds like you just took a step forward so yippee thanks good okay I gotta take a break for a little bit okay and then I'm gonna talk about in karma you're welcome to tune in I think if you want to reflect on this because it's like you know sweet sweet high-grade opium for a heroin addict for your mind - like reflect on something new then by all means do so but notice like you notice how you feel now and notice how you're gonna feel at the end of that reflection I don't know exactly what to predict there but good job today and then after you finish cuz I don't want you to I don't want to pull away I already pulled your mind away from things already so at the end and like maybe 45 minutes or so I'm gonna teach meditation if it's not if it's not super late for you you can watch it later but I think you should learn how to meditate because I think it's gonna help you'll love it okay Ellis you will love it once you get good at it because it's gonna help you understand things outside of intellectualization which is amazing I think you're gonna learn huh okay so closing thoughts um I I had too many thoughts there we go close I'm not beautiful so Ellis that's great so you see what you did you saw instead of just launching into the autopilot of your mind you're like oh like there goes my mind again you just gained like a little bit like you got one out you just mind like a mineral like you can't do anything with a mineral it's not even 8 minerals it's just a mineral you mind a mineral and if you keep on mining those minerals eventually you will be able to build you play Zerg my plate Terran Terran yeah of course you'll get you'll get her but that's good that's good you're learning fast you're learning faster okay so um okay good so good yeah that's great you see you noticed like the Machine of your mind is going going going going going that's good okay so I'm gonna take a break for like two or five minutes because I'm gonna drink something in pee and then we're gonna go back I'm gonna do a quick lecture on the harm oh we'll do more questions and we'll do meditation okay am i same here for this or I'm gonna hang up with you but you're welcome to watch the stream yeah what's the stream okay I haven't promised people that I would like talk about a concept from start to finish okay all right thanks a lot man strong work really amazing good job tonight Thanks bye okay so we're gonna okay we're gonna we're gonna help him like despite his best efforts to resist [ __ ] that we're gonna we're gonna help him even if he doesn't want it

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 330,323

Keywords: mental health, meditation, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, harvard psychiatrist, overcoming depression, self hatred, LS, imLS, lastshadow, lastshadow9, lastshadow9 rage, ls rage, ls rage comp, ls league of legends, ls league, league of legends, north america

Id: dc1vraUb0o0

Length: 108min 12sec (6492 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 14 2020