Supporting a person with Depression or Bipolar Disorder - Breda Dooley

hi good evening everybody and it's very very nice to be here I'm actually really happy to be here with you tonight um what I will be speaking about tonight is a combination of I've done a bit of studying as you've heard but my own experience of depression and bipolar and how it impacted me my family life how you know we're still coping with it this is an ongoing situation if you're living with and loving somebody with bipolar or depression you're actually supporting somebody who is hurting but also and that's why I choose this picture there's a ripple effect it ripples out from the center and the person who has the diagnosis or whatever can sometimes feel very responsible for it but what we're going to look at is how to look at it as a unit how does a family a relationship as a unis try to deal with these challenges and we will focus on as I said the challenges faced by the people doing the caring doing the supporting um all I can say is without my husband hopefully he'd make it in this evening of 27 years I would not be here I would not be here the times I've sat in front of the doctors weeping the times I've been to counselors psychotherapists weeping cry my eyes out because I couldn't make sense of what was happening to me okay that helped me along the way but also it was the unrelenting support he was no angel we've had our rough times it has impacted the marriage at times but we made it some way through and we're still kind of doing it I'm not an expert I don't have all the answers all I can offer is my own experience Plus that I was due to becoming very well and lithium I decided to go back and study the subject so that's what we're looking at today okay and that the reason for my image is the ripple effect and that's a bit about me I was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of at 36 so I had had my first pregnancy at that stage it was after my second pregnancy so it's often a long road for both parties to find out what the hell is going on okay so I've lived with it for that time I now take lithium and I take an antidepressant and touchwood I'm doing okay so far I have my moments you know this isn't always the way I'm like I can tell you okay there are times when I just want to stay in bed and shut the windows you know and so it's not it's not just happening to you sometimes the people think it's only happening to me it's not okay ten days ago if you'd asked me if I was able to stand here and and give this talk I would have said no way there'd been a mix-up with my lithium I was very unwell so we're all hitting those bumps along the way to mental health okay so I said that's a little bit about me I have two daughters one is 25 she's now in China at the moment and I have an 18 year old daughter as well and they don't even know how to spell the word stigma okay they've grown up with it so hopefully that's the next generation coming on and you know there's a lot of traffic what is depression and what's it about you can say all the terms and that you know the medical terms but let's just really look at it persistance sad anxious empty feeling it's like going around with an empty swing in your stomach okay and this is for the carers to possibly get a feeling for what's going on with your loved one the hopelessness the pessimism the guilt the worthlessness and the helplessness and it's the worthlessness that for me personally and and for some of my clients is the hardest thing to do what you feel you're not worth anything okay you have loss of interest in your hobby's you've lost you're interested in sexual relations and that trips off the tongue but that's very hard for any marriage any relationship you know that sort of intimacy is taken away and you've difficulties with concentration you've difficulties with putting money into the parking machine because everything seems too much okay you've probably your sleep with the sleeping too much or you have broken sleep or I know I had a lot of early awakening you start waking half 3/4 half for so sleep was broken and you've changes in your appetite in my case of course it was I overate I didn't get the under II you know I overeat and there is physical symptoms with this you know the psychomotor retardation as is called you know you feel slower you feel heavier I I had aches and pains and places that I didn't even know I could have a kiss aches and pains and all the time the questioning what the hell is going on with me okay and the suicide and the suicide the suicidal ideation and suicide are very heavy words suicidal ideation does not always mean that there's going to be a suicide it's the ideation it's a thinking process the person is thinking about it it's often telling you I'm at the end of the road of my coping mechanisms but I you know would say to people live in the moment take the person every five minutes ten minutes twenty minutes half an hour that's the way you do it until the point that you know you can't deal with this then you ring your doctor or whoever don't try to go it alone so it goes with suicidal ideation and then you know you know this person you use your car plant if it's sliding towards planning more intent straight away get health and that as a carer is a main point to get support you know are if you have a child or somebody with cancer you wouldn't expect to do the chemotherapy at home yourself would you carers of people living with mental illness expecting awful after themselves I think personally so I put it's still wrapped up in the stigma you know we keep it at home we deal with it and you know somebody like aware is there I cannot emphasize enough access the help the information provided by where it's excellent and I'm not you're saying that it's there you don't need to sit in panic reach out it's very very important we're trying whatever but these organizations are there to assist okay now depression happens in four areas how the person feels okay so just imagine for a second if you are a person who has experienced depression or you caring for somebody with depression just imagine if you felt all these emotions how would it make you feel sadness helplessness guilt moodiness anger loss of interest so that's how you're feeling before you do anything else you open eyes the morning and did that that's the set you're given their feelings how are you thinking you can concentrate you can't make decisions which I found very hard the ability to make decisions is impaired you forget things your self-esteem is low and then you know you might be thinking of self-harm or even go as far as delusions remember mental in this happens on a continuum it starts with low mood and goes progressively towards the more severe okay it's on a continuum and how does this person behave they withdraw I'm you know taking to the bed blanket over the head that's the behavior withdraw some terms of substance abuse alcohol whatever it's just to take away these feelings and then missing out and worker school and again the very worrisome self harm again something like self harm and that you contact your GP it is not something you can take on yourself and don't expect yourself to and and physically the person will have no energy champions weight loss weight gain which affects your self-esteem as well so can you imagine for those of you who don't have mental illness or the other imagine if you got up in the morning feeling like that that's before you put on the kettle so just to give you an idea as a carer if your loved one is not responsive or if they can be a litigator this is what's going on and not all depression is a sad depression you can have what they call an agitated depression or the person becomes quite agitated so do you think that'll be a hard way to start the day very difficult and I'm not talking about sympathy I'm how about empathy standing the shoes the objective being to help you as the carer to understand what's going on turning around and saying you're not great today doesn't help say I'm over asking how a person is doing you know they might say to you isn't it bloody obvious how I'm feeling okay I notice I know it noses that things are a little bit different today I just try something that way okay now these are some of the descriptions I have come across from some my own clients I have been practicing very long but trust would like being in the dark well there's no way out okay like being in an empty dark room very isolating third one is my own description like walking through heavy grease with a weight on your shoulders that only not only tells you the feelings but also the physical feeling of being heavy inhale like you gave me walk through Greece that's heavy enough and I put a weight on your shoulders so just for those of us who support or I've been supported by this is what people are feeling and then you have P you feel that kind of withdraw we feel disconnected from society aside pain a gas between them and the world or like having no feelings left numbness there's nothing so you get up in the morning and you feel nothing and some research on equity how you doing how's the farm you could barely get the words out okay um and also the person has feelings are of last lots of energy loss of interest in life I'm sure none of this is completely new for anybody here who loses somebody with mental illness self-esteem and sense of self is gone it will come back with the proper care the proper therapy but at that time that's how the feelings are okay the feeling of not participating in life and that's the one that used to really get me I have the back here in my house I like to sit in it nice to look out I said I can't get out there I can't because I know once I leave the door I start shaking okay that's another feeling and feeling anxious or feeling depressed and the reason I chose this was the feeling of anxiety to help us all understand is when you're actually hanging on to the cliff now if you're hanging for dear life that's the anxiety but the depression is when if you're down there you fallen okay so just to help I found that helped me and still feel anxiety and depression I always say anxiety at least still a more active state you still want to want to keep going hit the bottom where do you go then this is a very important point my next slide the person and the illness and I think that the confusing thing and the challenging thing is a person living with the challenge of mental illness it affects personality it affects their being it affects who they are so sometimes it's very hard to divide where the list starts and ends and where the person starts and ends so that can be very difficult you know I remember screaming back up my husband you just think I'm an illness and he said we'll yeah at the moment but always remember there's a person behind that pain it's a person there and not to lose sight of that you know we don't say oh here's my husband high blood pressure I'm being you know we would never think of saying that we would never say I am cancer but somehow we seem to carry mental illness like it aside in front of us I sign we all want to hide by the way and we want nobody to say that's the funny thing about it you know I don't forget the person I think if there's anything I would say to carers and one thing that my husband had to learn is I was still there behind all the crazy behind all the walking up and down for 12 hours behind all the crying I was still there that's very important to understand as a carer it's a big ask but it's important and just a quick look at how a person living with depression might feel okay and it's called the cognitive triad it tried three the day one of the the basis of CBT I'm sure you've heard of CBT Congress behavioral therapy with that I love it very common sense I love it okay and the person number one they feel bad about themselves I'm helpless I'm inadequate and then they feel bad about the future here and then they feel bad about the world in general so that's where the hopelessness comes from what you use our care when you are confronted with this I would suggest you know people living with mental has not made a paper say well are you really help us now challenge a little bit are you really listening if don't really well and I don't forget that don't try to be the counselor with that that's from CBT check the reality of the statement you know I'm I am duty and I'm using phrases I used to use all the time oh I'll never make anything out of my life no so well why did you say that there now I'm a bit confused instead of saying no you're not no you're really good say well tell me I'm gonna confuse now that you're saying that you have a really good job you do really well so I'm confused as to why you're saying well see I'm getting that just to people with mental is as you well know ain't stupid you know gently gently gently challenge that what is the basis of depression and and it would be from Aaron Beck but I don't see PT I think it's very common sense you know and this is what I asked you to do before all these descriptions of the person living with the illness so just think just imagine if you felt like the person in the previous slide you would probably feel vulnerable oversensitive inadequate and fearful wouldn't you so it's just to allow you for a couple of minutes to step into the shoes of the person who's feeling that way the worst thing is here's our president come on snap out of it come on no the doctor said to be Grandon can't act snap out of that you know and it's regardless of what true believers as to the word depression come from you know there's a biological genetic reactive but it's the day-to-day living with it that I'm talking about and we've all had we're only human to say oh for God's will you compound sometimes that's actually you know try to avoid it would be my advice one experience okay imagine how this would affect you interact with others so people living with the Challenger of mental illness you know difficult to interact with others because if it out because you feel defensive you know you would draw because you're afraid and both of these have their roots in chronic low self esteem and ongoing negative self-talk and that's the the psycho blurb for when you're depressed you are not walking around saying I'm grant you know you're a conversation that goes on in your head the one that nobody else here's the negative self-talk I'd never be able to do that or not God I'm not as good as them will do I did it today walking in the door going oh god I hope I get away with this one communication and an action plan I cannot again from my own research from my own experience I cannot emphasize how important this is aware has a number of free life skills programs that are fantastic that there are free and this is the thing you as the the carer or the supporter access help for yourself inform yourself if you go on the website as well there's an actual cheat on being a carer as well and some really practical stuff on a real down-to-earth accessible stuff to do and in underware website they have three sheets of how do you usually deal with this what are the things you usually do I found it really effective so you find out what works and you find out what doesn't work okay remembering at all times you partner with your GP your whatever mental health nurse don't try to do this on your own you wouldn't take your child's tonsils out in your own I know I'm being glib you need the support okay communication is absolutely essential look at how you communicate and we all do it okay and one kind said to me what do I do and what struck me was the assertive eye statement has anybody ever heard of that common sense when you hear it you know you might say to the person when you when you don't speak to me I really feel shut out so you know I'm here if you want to talk to me but when you don't talk to me if you really shut out and it starts me helping you instead of why don't you talk to me how my supposed tours going on we all get to the end of our header I dunno okay so that's already the assertive eye statement when you do X the consequence of that is why instead of why don't you want to we'll do it when you just come on when I start hearing my pronouns coming out my mouth with a throat I the assertive I statements plenty others around the web it's one of those easier things you know just like we said about the person getting up in the morning they feel awful you know how you don't see how you do today maybe just once you could hear something you know remember that you have rights as well that you have rights your morning routine that you have rights to to live in a life to can't be all about this person at times it might be but you can have to a depression for 40 years okay at the plan I'm talking about is quite simply when your loved one is well sit down and say okay it's really good it's being well and that this is what I did so we have put a plan in place for when you're not feeling good because you know when you're not feeling good I sometimes feel entity but overall so we just decide what steps will take I've literally done it so the first thing as fidus goes our GP is fantastic we have a psychiatrist named we have somebody the kids are growing up and I will had somebody there to mind the kids it's as simple as that now at the time that the the plan was put in place I wasn't too happy about it but at the back of my mind I kind of felt well yeah at least we know so it means the person supporting has a map of how to get that through this crisis situation and you just need them up again I can't emphasize which suicide if you feel it's very strong persons making plans if you see a huge change behavior a big awkward behavior sometimes go what you got and and get help this is about the ripple and the ripple really draws people who are the carers into it okay and how it affects you I think sometimes people supporting those who mental illness feel they have to be really good and never give out and never get fed up and we Florence Nightingale you know so true you need people to as Gary Barlow said and he sang were not invincible for only people okay and there's a thing called compassionate fatigue like it happen just get tired of being compassionate and you get to the stage that there's no space left for you if you're on a flight they would say mother with baby the mother puts on the oxygen mask first it's because she's a meanie horrible mummy it allows her to look after the child take that attitude as well you need to take care of yourself uni and you have a right to feel good just because you're paranoid on well you shouldn't feel guilty you shouldn't feel bad about it I can go out now because he's not well you the world for two and a half hours you can go for a walk you can go for a coffee because sometimes the person who is not really feeling really good would like you to just pick up for a while I need them alone to be so blunt you know they're not made of paper well how would you feel if somebody was around you all the time asking you how you felt you get an ID on you two hours go to the cinema if you feel concerned have a friend or family member just pop in and sit with the person whoever don't give up your life because one day someday you will need yourself or your partner will need you and you won't have the resources I've seen as I've seen it happen with my husband I've seen him sit there and go having to take to exert hospital and off work and go to bed after I was ill because he had nothing left as I said I'm talking out of my own experience you know I'm using young a young six foot three guy you would expect this I have to go to bed I'm too exhausted you try to take watch for the exhaust you'll never come here and it's okay to feel these feelings you're a human being it's okay to see it that just take feel confused it's okay to feel this is a burden it's okay to feel fed up there will be something wrong if you didn't and it you know if you tell yourself you don't feel like that check out shoulders it's okay to feel those feelings you know and there's one feeling that I found very strong the sense of loss the sense of loss for the relationship you thought you would have the sense of loss as to this person has changed and yeah they have and you emerged my change but it would have changed anyway but I can really understand that grieving for my husband that I'm grieving for the marriage I thought we would have but that's okay that's normal advise you to move towards acceptance this is the way it is now and after this yeah it won't be Kenan Barbie or whoever be a different impossibility better marriage who knows now what you can do and look at the more practical things take time out I cannot emphasize that so much sit down with your planner and plan three nights a week the G world I'm not saying going to nightclubs or not the rise to 5 o'clock in the morning go out socialize feed yourself sit down on planners every week play bridge whatever don't let go of your social connections that precedes you you have rights in this relationship you have a right to remain you so you have to take care of yourself eliminate the guilt I don't know how many times my husband's way of coping was going kayaking and I would be weeping and he would just get into the car and go and kayak for two hours he said I had to do it I just had to do it you know and with the with the years I stopped shouting at him less about it you know how music night press I'm doing it but take your space because if you don't you will need yourself one day and you're your partner or the person might need you and the the research I've done is indicating that there's high rates of depression in people caring for those with mental illness so be very careful about that be aware feeling guilty is waste of time you do is humanly possible but you sit down you take out you say I'm going to go to bingo and at night I'm going to a movie that night and I'm going to go for two hours for coffee that day you have to do that you have to do that if you concern about the person asked friend colleague whatever okay educate yourself again I'm not just happy on the wayside because it's the way I talk but if you look at the aware lectures underneath them there's references to reading material and I hope I can put some reading material up afterwards go read the right stuff if you go on a lot of websites they'd have you packing your case and freaking out if you would be very careful where you get your information there's a lot of sensationalism and of course in the media I am NOT as interesting as the bipolar people in the media I can tell you none at all understand I understand what the person is going through it's quite frustrating at times and you will have a sense of loss where is this person I found for me insight insight has saved my bacon inside being the fancy word for understand what's happening I now know my passion is November December January a few times for me don't take on anything too big literally if I was invited to a wedding or something New Year's Eve I wouldn't go it's just not a good time for me you know the person if it's in that case with bipolar or depression they can be seasonal they can have a pattern okay a spotter you know you could be a spotter what I mean by that it's saying it's somebody you know I kind of noticed in the last couple of weeks when sleeping well you know kind of sending a message to that person your moods are beginning to change inform them let the end inform yourself because my husband says once I never make the big decisions in January with me drives in the night that he says that was true you know so there can be they can be a passion to it not only for you to be aware of but for the person you're caring for her to be aware of it this is shared insight okay seek support I cannot emphasize that any stronger and I've talked enough about that share the burden share the burden I've been asked about who should I tell and who should I not tell tell people you trust and who mean something to you that would be my answer you trust I don't mean something to you otherwise nobody look I have another thing about people not telling and stigma but we're going to need another couple of years for that to change but tell those who mean something to you and mean something to your partner or whatever you don't owe anybody an explanation anyway you know have realistic expectations and this is something I found hard myself to do because I am limited by living with bipolar I am those things I love to do that I can't do and I found on the kind so hard well it could have been my advancing years as well that's not to do that and before the pre-medicated breeder would have done five MBAs on a weekend okay you know I was so high and remember the person if it is in fact bipolar illness the person who is medicated my phone that you actually missed the highs you missed the bus you missed the achievement so that can happen too okay that's not about the literature the behaviors are the symptoms of an illness they are not the person again referring to my own experience my husband said he skin is that thick now because I get very irritated depression I can say things that I am so ashamed of he just says okay I'm lying this game it doesn't go in but it did in the beginning because I was the type of person when I was in a manic stage I get very aggressive no two ways about it I was horrible I was fighting the world but with knowledge I now believe it or not can even I met on medication can even stop my mouth shooting out four times because I know it's not coming from my feelings about him I know it doesn't have the person receiving it but just to know that sometimes there's no connection with you talk about their own anger take care of yourself I know I know I'm repeating myself but it's true really take care of and take care of yourself not only in the nights going out and that set set of boundary don't set a wall between you and the person set a boundary said no actually I'm going to reading for the next hour or two no I'm going to go for what I'm going to do a bit of gardening now except you have a right love rights just because your partner has depression or bipolar does not mean that you have to surrender your life as I've repeated you might need yourself one day they might need you one day it's not a get help it's not your fault you didn't do anything the genetic basis for depression is it's been more and more research in my own family I can actually go through the generations you know there's nine of us there's nine children I was the only one that that had the star anise or bipolar but out of knowing there's six living with depression now that could be perfect and etic but partially behavioral and what we saw at home you know but there is no one to blame about that blame for that so drop the brain what did I do stop questioning yourself deal with the day learn about depression as I said I can't wear Chinese and other organizations very good educate yourself as to what's happening to the person you love the more you know the less fear you will have you know I think when I said her mother diagnoses bipolar she was really frightened she thought straight away I was going to be doing crazy things and the more I talk to her and she's a psychiatric nurse she's 92 but you got an awful fright my snowman would lit here around that I can control this no hundreds into the time leave me a phone on my face enough offer love and support without trying to be directive what I'm saying there is you love the person you offer go support with stuff teletrac try to avoid telling them what to do and the reason being you it should eventually come from them and if they're in therapy or so you would hope that this change would come from them if not you might need medication or whatever we go wrong giving person orders you make a person feel like a child anyway if they never had depression okay alpha level support where we know that you wouldn't be here tonight if you don't love and support them depression has the ability to just grow through a household and contaminate okay and particularly with children it's very hard to keep it in check if you have your boundary if you take near two nights out if you educate yourself again a little bit of distance from us with children all I can say is age-appropriate to younger children and discuss it pretty frankly with children over sixteen is appropriate you know does the five role need to not know but kids aren't stupid they can feel tension in a household you don't have to cut a big blurb of daddy's got bipolar man no you know you could say you know the way you break your leg and that it gets better you know your brain you know so sometimes that can not work too well and that's what's wrong with Daddy at the moment and so he has to rest a lot and that kids are very receptive forget the name today anything come later you know break the psychic and I refer back to that two or three page document on the aware website where you look at the things you're doing and one effect what cycle are you in what I mean like are you feeding into this depression are you over minding the person are you neglecting them yourself are you doing the thinking further my you doing the washing further why are you doing the shopping for them they might be depressed but they could put on a lot of washing you know I've managed to have two children you know that's unfair thing to say but you know these practical things I remember one very deep depression I was in I baked bread there's so much bread it was unbelievable be tolerant of yourself you have rights too I think I've said it over and over again don't feel guilty if you want to go out for those two hours don't feel guilty about going to the cinema you for right to life and you will be better you'll be more refreshed okay you can't go back except the change except the change in your relationship except the change in what's happening it would have changed anyway I can only say for myself it has enriched my marriage and no end because there's a bond there that has lasted 27 years we've killed each other you know but it there's an understanding also remember they are also responsible further illness if they have an appointment with the therapist and that and there's a car and they can drive and if they're not really ill should you drive them do you always need to be there remember like the batteries like the Energizer battery so then when the crisis point comes and you really needed you haven't got it to give for yourself or for others to pursue that a very very important point and reach out for support reach out you would not take out your child console at home yourself it it's not a failing if you reach out for support it's not a developing lacking it's actually proactive okay now and I'm just going to very quickly run to these slides just for yourselves to see the demands of caring caring can outside of your job it's up to 36 hours a week that's what the research is showing so on top of your job you're caring for 36 hours a week now there is research that shows that carers of our people sporting have our hidden patience I don't like the term what they're talking about is if this if the carer doesn't mind themselves they could become depressed as well okay and coping very quickly to this there's two types of coping you can use emotion focus coping and problem-focused coping right emotion focused proper focused I explained this by emotion focus is about dealing with the emotions it's dealing with how you feel the rejection the stress ok problem-focused coping is doing something about the situation if you find yourself only in this emotion focused you're kind of going in a circulant you men are greater problems for problem focus and that's what my research has shown ok um I had it I was working with a young guy and he said tell me the difference between the two I said imagine you have to go to hospital you're sick ok two different hospitals use the emotion focus hospital and the problem focused the emotional focus hospital was very sad you broke your leg and you're there dying in pain I'm not talking about how terrible it is that you broke your leg and not here they're going give me the tablets you go to the problem-focused hospital they can spend much time talking here but they're going to fix your leg so you use those differently and it's just a good check for yourself am I just focusing on the emotions other practical things like that you know I won't drive him I will actually get out my diary plan the two nights is that okay if people get not the difference between the two it's just a good check for yourself and the feeling of constant vigilance must be very difficult like walking on eggshells every client I've worked with says it's like walking on eggshells out of six males that I interviewed for my research five set is like walking on eggshells that's a very hard way to live so that's why you need you really need to reach out for help you really need to look after yourself go for mindfulness course do some yoga recover don't feel guilty about walking away I can't repeat it someday you need yourself or they will need you you don't want a battery to be empty and you have a right to feel good expressed emotion it's you know if there's a lot of criticism in a household it's not just criticism but if if you friends offer God's sake that can actually make the person worse and vice versa my message here is watch the communication how are you communicating with each other you know I am I tracked the hackers always go up and hear you always you never those two phrases you always you never in a way your informal an informal part of the mental health team and that's what what you should see yourself as you are and there is an actual difference between how males and females care in my own research and from what I read males take more time out self-care and they're right by the way there's the difference the reality is that you love done right reject you might push you away you know these are the things be hurtful say awful things pull down the entire mood of the house these are symptoms of depression it's not the person themselves okay so remember that might be hard to keep keep in mind all the time but these aren't symptoms of depression and I just put a phrase there that might help I was talking about the assertive I statements I taught realize that you're not feeling well but when you blah blah blah you make me feel blah blah blah perhaps we can discuss or have a chat about when the kids go to bed it just takes the heat out of the conversation okay it may begin to isolate you you start feeling guilty all of these things I've spoken about already you can feel angry what's okay to access your friends access and if you need to go and see the house of capacitor for yourself yeah do that you're working 36 hours plus a job guilt isn't going to get you anywhere you might dread coming home you may worry about the facts on your children and you're overburdened all of these feelings are valid and are shared by a lot in the research I've read and the research I've done so don't think it's just you it's feeling like that okay and these are the questions that you can ask yourself am i informed enough do I know enough am i afraid to know more well really want to know okay am i seeking enough support am i trying to take this on myself am i engaging in self-care I'm a really looking after myself okay and these are things you can do you know you seek information you GP the relevant websites the where lecturers are an absolute youth oh I'm doing one of them his fountain of information I have found them I've watched a lot of them look at those there is the educating himself knowledge is power insight understanding that suicide like it ideation doesn't always mean a suicide you still have to be careful but little bit inside and my last phrase is taking time out to recharge now my last couple of slides here and I go through them quite sorry I go to them quite quickly I've talked about a lot of it here is my own research that I did I did research on vipole and excuse me males Irish men living with partners who were living with bipolar so specifically bipolar and the ages were 27:56 and aware at four or five my participants came from where it was very very difficult to get anybody to talk about this interestingly enough I got so many contacts from American men to do the interview it was really interesting they were absolutely bursting to talk but not the Irish I don't know if that's our significance okay bipolar with it as we know it is a fluctuation in mood you have your bipolar one where you get very very manic which is very disruptive and down into the into the depression okay and the depression in bipolar is actually very it seems to stick harder it seems to stick to your ribs I can't remember what it was called on the research but though the bipolar and depression seems to just bring you'll or possibly by virtue of the fact that you've done so high then you have your second type your bipolar to where the hinds are aren't is big but falling off the lows remain as taxing in both and then you have the cyclothymia or somebody can cycle a number of time during the year etc I don't want it to turn into a psychology lecturer right this is something you can look at but just be aware the different types okay be aware of what sort of medication my mom was fascinated by by people who said the doctor gave me tablets what why aren't the tablets just inform yourself you don't have to take over the doctor's job but just know like if your loved one was taken to hospital in the morning they say what medication is he on you said the pink ones from the doctor just inform yourself these were the findings experience of burden all five males had an experience of burden and it was broken into an objective and subjective burden objective being you know the day-to-day running of the home subjective is the emotional impact okay so all five of them experienced that defining for what I call two sides of the same coin was riding the wave of the manic phase and the down phase coping adaptive non-adaptive look that just says coping well or not coping well and locating support be funny enough came out from these five men as very strong where do I hear help as one guy said to me who do I pick up the phone - when is four o'clock in the morning you know I said you could from the smartest he said yeah but I want to talk about specifically about bipolar I just thought was interesting he was quite animated about who where do I turn the experience of burden subject to burden and it's I've actually spoken about all of this was stress and tension the constant vigilance that I spoke about self blaming blaming yourself why is the person getting better I might not look in after improperly am i doing something wrong guilt and anger secrecy that was an issue that came up being told you can't tell anyone is that a fear no it's not you were right to tell your friends your close friends those you love and trust it's not fair and you know I have to share this with some people I need some support if it makes you angry I'm sorry but I need to share this and the sense of loss the last as to only should be thought you would have the last as to these wonderful holidays you thought you're gonna have this happen to us and I've been very ill on them you know and the burden under the radiation was the loss of trust the loss of intimacy insecurity the desire for normality when it is when will it just be normal when will an argument not spiral into I just want normal and the last one being being in it together and what was meant by that we made for good and bad times but being in together doesn't mean that you sacrifice yourself at the altar of the other person remember on that flight you put the mother puts the oxygen mask on first and the manic of the depressive phases in the manic phase was the aggression and the irritability that became a problem that was surprising that the ladies and this were actually I'm surprised and relieved because I can get very aggressive so that wasn't just me very hurtful phrases that they're reaching out and relational hostility unpredictability tension their stress and the distance between them it's frightening to see the person who you loved and her children would turn around and practically spit things into your face separate the person from the illness it's really hard if you can keep your joining them if it helps just write it down get it out of your system burn it if you want keep journal and the coping and very interesting maybe all these males at sport all five how they coped was that no matter how ill or stressed that their partner was they ran they cycled they just took the time every day and as one guy said to me I would that has kept me sane that has kept me going another guy would hike up mountains a very interesting observation one guy said to me took me five years to figure out that arguing with her in the manic phase was a waste of time I said what you do now he says I walk away I tell her I know you're feeling unwell but when you get that aggressive I can't engage with him five years he said into five years of screaming backwards or forwards again so that was quite interesting non-adaptive a full coping to withdraw from people to avoid the situation to avoid talk to anybody about it to avoid even thinking about it yourself okay to overreact but we're all only human okay and as I was talking about you know the emotion focus the hospital where the room same God must be awful to a broken leg and you sit there going give me attempter okay that's a nice check for yourself if you're dealing with the emotions all the time but not dealing with when we in practicalities are am I taking time France of how I plan timeout if this person has been very insulting have I come back to them when I'm feeling well and saying when you spoke to later I really felt hurt yeah look after yourself and this was very interesting a1 and it's like a very fired up about this is a location of support psychoeducation fancy word for learning about the psychology of it they wanted to know more some felt they just dropped their person at the door of the psychiatrist nothing against psychiatrists but they weren't told anything you have to remember there's a confidentiality of the client as well ok within reason but they wanted to be included more and I would say if you're setting up a plan to deal with it you could actually include the psychiatrist and say it can I have your number this is the plan we're putting together ok you don't have a right to the intimate discussions you have a right you know to know about the illness to know how he's doing what she or she is doing if your partner is in agreement with that you know what I'm saying is don't be afraid to open your mouth see what is this what's this tablet from inform yourself it was very much the feeling that there was enough sport for caregivers in particular male caregivers the feeling being that males didn't want to admit they couldn't hope but they actually found it very difficult so that it's felt that as long as I said you know to be great now feel a cycling group we could talk about it that's it's very typical you know they wanted to cycle and talk about it and and there was an overriding feeling they were unaware were to access support they were unaware of even where to look and they talked about non-professional support what we mean their non psychiatrist non psychologist support even if you know other people who's who dealing with the same situation form a support group if you wait for everybody else to do it what's going to happen nothing and it doesn't have to be a rumor 20 people three or four people just get together once a month how you doing just connect people get the bottom line being if you have a child has depression that is such a challenge you still have to take time for yourself what's right still has to learn those limits and they still have to learn that you know you can't be abusive you're not allowed to be abusive when you're drunk on a plane so these are sort of things I've been thinking about so locating support I came as the main there was a lot of talk about it um and that's in fact my last slide I hope it's been informative I hope it's kind of hope you get to thinking a little bit on our main thought is that to take care of yourself to be good for thank you thank you thank you

Channel: Aware

Views: 149,454

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Id: Yb6ZPnhezZ8

Length: 58min 16sec (3496 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 25 2016