Talking to Strangers: Having a Meaningful Conversation | Georgie Nightingall | TEDxGoodenoughCollege

so what do you do when was the last time someone asked you that question how did the conversation go in 2016 this was how most of my conversations started networking events parties talks any time I met someone new it wasn't like I disliked my job I actually really enjoyed being a project manager but conversations about work felt incredibly lifeless dissatisfying and boring people asked not because they cared but because it was expected when people ask you what you do they're asking to see your professional work mask and they don't ask you about the other masks for you own the other colors the other expressions the masks that are in the closet rotting away when you wear the same mask again and again it becomes easy to think that you are that mask and it's harder to stray from expectations because we want to be accepted so wear the masks that help us fit in I was bored ordered repeating my elevator pitch or dove having the same meaningless conversation on repeat or dove small talk and frustrated frustrated with being stereotyped and with a lack of connection in my conversations I was surrounded by people and yet I felt disconnected and alone because I am not just my job I am not where I live we are not our labels we are so much more than this I knew I was craving a deep and meaningful conversation and I'm sure you've all experienced what these feel like conversations we get to talk about the stuff that matters it has meaning in your life and where you feel connected to the other person like you're on the same wavelength and that might be sharing interest values beliefs or experiences and it's more than this conversations are not just exchanges of thoughts and ideas but an opportunity to transform reshape and engage in new trains of thought as Theodore Zeldin rightly suggests conversations don't just reshuffle the cards they create new cards when was the last time you had a conversation that changed the way you saw the world a conversation where you learned something new about yourself or about the other person and their perspective on the world conversations have opened new doors that you hadn't previously noticed the world can seem fresh writer wider so what stops us from getting there online we are globally connected and yet how connected do you feel to the people around you do we want to be more connected or better connected if feels like we avoid talking to each other sometimes perhaps we don't know how to engage the on small talk perhaps it's because of shows or norms that suggest we shouldn't talk to strangers these can be so subconscious that we might think there'll be repercussions should we break them embarrassment doubt shame these fears are often illusions and there is far more to be gained by speaking to strangers even if you engage in meaningful conversations with five to ten close friends and family you are missing out on the other seven million plus people and their unique experiences of life people represent opportunities new ideas new perspectives they may have the answer to important questions access to new people more potential all of this there is untapped and we choose not to speak to strangers most importantly in these moments of connections with strangers I discovered that I belong I am not invisible you are not invisible we can belong anywhere and everywhere not just with our friends and family but with humanity we're part of a larger family which is hardly met so how we meet each other having a meaningful conversation with the stranger is easier than you think it's not rocket science it's more of a craft so how do you do it here are five tips for you to take away and put into practice number one be the lighthouse either lighthouse means projecting and unwavering array of light a mainly consuming any consistent emotional state such that others will be drawn towards you have you ever noticed how infectious genuine excitement can be how contagious a smile is and how warm special it feels to receive some eye contact likewise if you're awkward and moody how do you think the other person is going to spawned to you how we are affects how others will be with us so ask yourself how do I want to feel how I want the other person Phil set the intention and feel it first within yourself number two be curious becoming curious is the most important habit you will ever develop it is a mindset that fuels exploration and it is the cleanest fuel out there because it's not polluted with a specific agenda and this is what allows conversations to be organic unconstrained free of assumptions and judgment becoming curious is a two-step process first you notice and then you wonder and the wandering can lead to questions noticing the red patterns Garf I love your scarf and I'm wondering where it is you got it from noticing the book someone is reading ah sapiens awesome book I've read it what have you learnt we can also notice the environment now this restaurant seems to have forgotten its ceilings I can see the piping we're just cutting costs or is this more modern art the world is rich with interesting things to talk about by noticing and wandering and having a genuine desire to learn about the world this can be invitation for others to join you in your expiration and in doing so share a moment of real connection number three shut up how often is it when we're listening that were actually just waiting for our moment to respond you wouldn't run out of a conversation mid-sentence would you to go and plan your holiday or figure out we're gonna have for dinner and yet we do this all the time in our heads when you're busy thinking about what you're going to say next you will miss that moment and on the other side how frustrating is it to not be heard we can see it in their eyes people have left the conversation can't we deep listening is holding the space for people to think and sometimes that means silence many of us find silence so unbearable that we have to fill them immediately hold that silence a little longer and trust that beautiful things will come out of it most of us love to talk about stuff that matters so offer the space and people may open themselves up to you and before ask great questions curiosity leads to wandering and wandering to questions but some questions are more effective at digging to the core of who we are every moment in time whatever is happening within it is an expression of the deeper patterns happening in the rest of our lives how you do anything is how you do everything when we notice these patterns we can ask questions that help make connections in people's minds and trigger moments of discovery and understanding questions are the tools to burn the fire of curiosity sharpen your tools ask questions that help connect the dots number five share the real you when the staff at Pratt asked me how I am I tell them exactly how I'm feeling in that moment and it often goes along the lines of seven and a half out of ten or caffeine-deprived and needy or super excited because I'm on the way to a course and I can't wait to learn they're often surprised but also curious I've done three things first I've given them an offer for them to ask me about y-7 half out of ten I've broken the manat of a small talk script and yes I've been a bit weird but they engage with it because it's playful real and human if you want others to show their real self then pulling out a mask if there's more personal to who you are you can invite them to share their thoughts and feelings and join you in a moment of authenticity this is the power of reciprocity I'll show you mine if you show me yours conversation is organic when you show up as your wholehearted authentic self with no defenses or agenda yards are down people are real Trust is built and connection is made there is never the right time to strike up a conversation with a stranger by the way but there is always too late so give yourself permission to start with open-ended conversation with the stranger go first make that opening statement smile make someone's day these conversations help us belong they help us open new doors in our minds they help us grow and to be better connected and if you want to experience feel and be these things there is now nothing stopping you from taking action except maybe yourself thank you you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 60,108

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Humanities, Communication, Community, Development, Impact, Relationships

Id: ogVLBEzn2rk

Length: 13min 10sec (790 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 29 2018