Struggling with Loneliness

Welcome to The Living Well of mental illness podcast where we explore the Journey of living a fulfilling life with mental health challenges join us for real and vulnerable conversations about the difficult realities of living with a mental illness we'll discuss how to find acceptance build resilience and discover what recovery and Living Well means to you [Music] we have another YouTube channel living well with schizophrenia that's kind of where we started all of this and one of the I would say kind of biggest pieces of feedback that we have gotten over the years from people emailing us to leaving it in comments there's a general theme around people feeling less alone after watching the content that that we've made why do you think that is I think that mental illness in general and especially mental illness is like schizophrenia but really every mental illness is not talked about in a way that makes people feel not alone in their experience of it and so what I mean by that is yes there are awareness campaigns that are becoming more and more popular these days around Mental Health and particularly around depression and anxiety at the foremost but these campaigns are still quite superficial and they're not really getting into talking about what the actual experience the day-to-day experience of living with a mental illness navigating managing a mental illness is like and so people are left feeling even more isolated perhaps by these types of campaigns where it's it's being said hey we're talking about mental health but no one's really relating to what's being talked about and so they feel more alone in the way in which they're struggling I think I think the the the connection there is that there's not a lot of vulnerability in Awareness campaigns I mean some there is that kind of approach to awareness campaigns but it's it's it's more about awareness it's less about vulnerability and connection and oftentimes the stories that are shared in Awareness campaigns are very much quote-unquote success stories you know where a person has struggled with a mental illness and it's been tough but then they've fully recovered or whatever and they're back to productivity which is something we talk about a lot in previous episodes as being a marker of success with mental illness and so that doesn't really resonate I think with a lot of people because it's not where they are exactly it's not where most people are in terms of navigating a mental health Challenge and so that can feel even more isolating so let's get more into about why somebody feels loneliness with a mental illness in the first place yeah I think probably the first place to start the kind of most obvious one would just be kind of what we've already talked about in terms of stigma around societies views conceptions of mental illness and what it means to live with a mental illness and I think that these these Notions get transferred to the individual who then also has this internalized sense of stigma for what they're going through and so stigma I think is a really big part of why people feel alone right off the bat when struggling with a mental illness like when they get a diagnosis yeah even before that when they're struggling with you know they know something's off with their mental health they're experiencing symptoms that they don't really know and there's just this inherent stigma within Society we don't talk about these things in a constructive way we don't talk about these things like we were saying before in a way that creates connection and understanding within amongst people about a shared experience that people go through I think something that maybe sets loneliness apart in conjunction with mental illness aside from just regular loneliness when because of social isolation I mean I think social isolation could contribute to loneliness related Mental Illness but I think people's General conceptualization of loneliness is more of the social isolate isolation isolation type of a situation where you're lonely because there's no one around but it it kind of twists or it flips it on its head with mental illness because you you can really be surrounded by a lot of people and I think it's this feeling that nobody understands what's happening or you know what you're going through what you're experiencing and and I think in some ways that can feel far more isolating than just being a 100 miles kilometers from the next nearest person I think that's something that surprises support people of people who are experiencing mental illness is that you know someone can have the best support network in the world they can be surrounded by friends and family and still feel alone in navigating their mental illness because of things like like you said just not feeling like other people understand what you're experiencing what you're facing what you're going through and that can be really really isolating yeah because it's not even a matter of just being able to reach out to somebody and you know I mean I guess it kind of is a matter of that but it's a difficult process and so that's is that what you would say is why it feels isolated and I think that's that's that kind of connects the two issues we've talked about about stigma within society and society as a whole not having the tools to adequately talk about mental health difficulties mental health challenges and so yeah someone can be surrounded by really supportive people you know actually when I was first diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and I started being more open with the people in my life I was largely met with a desire to support me you know people were like wanting to know more they were they were they were offering support but that offering of support didn't quite meet my needs at that time because I think people didn't have the tools at their disposal to offer effective support and so what I mean by this is you know people often when they want to support someone who's going through a mental illness will throw you know the typical I'm here for you any way you need or you know let me know how I can support you I'm here if you need to talk which are all really wonderful gestures of support and I really appreciated people doing that but when people said that to me did leave me feeling ultimately more lonely because it felt like they were offering something it wasn't going to help that didn't line up with what I needed it wasn't going to help yeah or I didn't know how to receive that support in an effective way it's interesting in that I think that's something that you and I have navigated in our relationship and and was difficult at first and and still is difficult sometimes in terms of when you are dealing with symptoms or struggling or kind of going through a period of a challenging period and like I I didn't I would offer support I would try to be supportive in in a way that I knew how but it wasn't helpful and actually kind of taking a step back and looking at this from a support person perspective that can also feel a little isolating like feeling like I'm trying to help but it's not it's not working this person is kind of rejecting intentionally or unintentionally the support that I'm trying to give I was going to say that too that yeah like we can flip this on its head and mental illness is isolating for the support people too you know when you've gone through more difficult periods navigating depression or whatnot and I've wanted to support you that has felt lonely for me not really knowing how to adequately lift you out of it because that's not something that anyone else can do ultimately I think maybe that's something to understand first and foremost in terms of how to offer support but yeah it's really really difficult figuring out because we all have ways that we feel more most comfortable offering support but that doesn't necessarily line up with what the other person needs and so that's probably a really good first place to start is just being open and comfortable or trying to be comfortable with having conversations about how to support each other you know when you are going through a difficult period what would be helpful you know what would what would what would support that feels good to you look like and that can be a really difficult thing for the individual who's struggling to do too and so that that takes a degree of work in terms of reflecting on okay what do I need for support in a previous video on living well with schizophrenia you had mentioned just inviting a friend over to just sit with you in silence and you know that they didn't have to talk or if you wanted to talk you could and I I think I think there's kind of a lot of benefit in that approach you know that like we can have comfortable Silence with each other we can be in our presence and acknowledge that like I'm not doing what one of us isn't doing great and and I'm just going to be here for you I think that was that was huge in terms of you know I had been going through a really depressive episode and anyone who's been depressed will know what that can look like in terms of just kind of wallowing and not having energy and just kind of I was in like a hibernating state where I didn't want to talk to anyone I didn't want to engage in any way or anything and I was depressed and I realized that something that would help me feel less alone in that experience was if someone who I cared about and was close to and what not could be present in that experience with me and just kind of you know almost bear witness to my experience of that and be able to just sit in it with me without trying to fix things without trying to make me do something different without even talking and that was that was that was a really big moment for me in terms of understanding that support can be offered and given that does feel good and that does help you feel less alone now I think it would be an oversight to you know talk about loneliness and the experience of loneliness with mental illness without acknowledging what's been happening on a global scale over the last few years we have had a global pandemic which has ultimately changed the way we all relate to each other and experience our relationships in life it's kind of institutionalized loneliness kind of it's become more Universal experience and so obviously that you know that component has kind of compounded the effect of what used to be loneliness around mental illness I think it's had a big impact on just mental health in general yeah I think for a while and I think I'm still kind of coming out of it is this kind of I don't know paralyzing effect that the pandemic had on my ability to you know have healthy relationships the way I used to you know we're still kind of recovering from that and I'm kind of I feel like I'm entering this phase of trying to rebuild the relationships in my life coming out of the pandemic even though it's still going on but that kind of feels like where I'm at in terms of things and I think that it's been a really difficult multi-year challenge for people to overcome in terms of maintaining adequate social connection I mean it's happened over such a length of time that you know existing social connections obviously break down and you also kind of grow apart yeah there's more room for you to grow apart when you're not connecting spending time with each other keeping up with each other's lives and I you know I guess I'm thinking about another topic that we could shift to but with respect to social media social media used to be something that you you kind of could use to keep up with each other's lives you still can but I would say that it's become a lot more unhealthy it's largely becoming a quick dopamine hit and people are kind of becoming addicted to that and it's less about healthy maintenance of keeping up with each other well I think it can make you feel more alone now true yeah you know going further with social media I think the pandemic has kind of compounded that problem even more um and with people being home just in front of the screens all the time you're kind of checking in to see what other people are doing I mean that's always been the case but there's just more time to do it now yeah I feel lonely in this conversation [Laughter] okay we've dived into some reasons why in particular people with mental illness struggle and or suffer from loneliness where do we go from here how does somebody who is suffering from loneliness feel less alone I think that's something that we didn't talk about actually in terms of the experience of loneliness for people who are living with a mental illness is that quite often a symptom of a lot of mental illnesses is withdrawal and you know pulling away from social connections and whatnot and so if you're feeling lonely and you realize that you are engaging in that kind of being more aware of that and really trying it I know it's so difficult to know work against that that pull to withdraw and recede but really trying to reach out to existing connections you have in your life or even making new connections if you don't have very many connections and I know that that is way easier said than done I know that but it's so so important and so you know perhaps some ways that you can go about this are joining some sort of extracurricular activity whether it's a sports team whether it's some sort of class that you can take whether it's a book club something that you know incorporates a social Dynamic and a social component to you know meeting new people another really really I have found to be effective way to you know create a meaningful connection that kind of counteracts the loneliness that you feel is joining peer support groups you know I joined a peer support group when I was first diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and it was incredible what it did for me in terms of creating social connection with people who were experiencing very very similar challenges to me and just having that space to really feel validated to feel less alone you know hearing or being able to share something that I've been going through sharing really vulnerably about that and having other people in the group say me too or you know build on my experiences in terms of their own experiences or share their experiences that I maybe not even be aware that I'm experiencing and be like oh wow I like me too I'm experiencing that too and oh my gosh like there's a lot there there's a lot there's a lot of benefit there yeah like it's not just socializing you know there's the vulnerability part on both ends the connection that comes from that yeah I think it's a beautiful Foundation you know I met a couple of people who I met in group for coffee outside of group and where you know we could talk about things Beyond just our shared suffering and mental illness and stuff but you know it was a really beautiful way to form meaningful connection now on that topic kind of a Shameless plug sorry but you know I in my experience I really understood the value that peer support can provide and so that's why with our other YouTube channel living well with schizophrenia we created an online peer support Community for people all over the world who are experiencing a schizophrenia Spectrum illness and it was incredible to see the connections that took place and you know people counteracting loneliness together in this Collective format of sharing experiences and validating experiences and connecting on that level and so that's why we created you know this broader Mental Health Community online peer support Community too which is really really wonderful you know just in terms of building that connection feeling less alone having a specific space where you can go to to literally feel less alone has been really really wonderful and so if you are interested in checking out our online peer support Community you can sign up and also find out more at LivingWell with mental illness.org I just want to add that the peer support Community has not only been beneficial for people who are living with the illness Mental Illness but also the people who are supporting them because that obviously can be challenging as well trying to support someone can you talk more about how that connection can be made between the people who are support people in your life and obviously the people who are dealing with loneliness mm-hmm kind of be the most difficult form of loneliness to address because you know you can have these supportive people around you who are literally offering support but something just isn't lining up and so that can make you feel even more like well the problem is me and I feel so alone in this and so yeah working on how to make that a more effective exchange is really important and so for the support person I think probably a good place to start is just meeting the person where they're at and like I said in that example of a friend who came to sit with me in a depressive episode is just bearing witness to what they're experiencing and just providing a bit of validation I guess about the fact that you see their struggle you see what they're going through and trying to empathize in that way and then I think once you kind of made that connection there's a little bit more space to have an honest and open conversation about what effective support actually looks like for the person who's needing the support so perhaps peer support or no I mean more like what offer of support from your support person would feel good okay so like sitting with you in a depressive episode or I've also given an example of one time I just asked you if I could just talk and you not say anything and I could just talk about delusions that I was experiencing and that felt good to me in the moment and that's what I needed in that moment is just you to listen to Wild delusions that I was experiencing I think going for walks helps it does help me a lot in terms of being outside in terms of like the flow and movement so go from go for a walk so yeah here are some ideas that you can maybe toss out there and see what feels good and what would be most a most effective way for you two of you to connect in terms of that supportive exchange and this also takes a lot of work reflective work from the person who is needing the support to to figure out okay what would feel good for me what would you know what kind of support do I need and that can be really difficult to think about and to figure out but maybe you know having a conversation together and offering ideas well could I pick up some groceries for you could I make you a meal could I take out or do your dishes or take out your trash or whatever it may be even like really really tangible acts of love like that can go a long way and so figuring out what offering of support is going to be received the best we like to drop off food yeah yeah can you talk a little bit more about how to handle a situation where a support person is wanting to support somebody but they're they're just kind of being I want to say rejected because that's how it feels but they're they're not the person's not able to receive that's important and kind of doesn't want it so the support person is kind of in this position where like they can see that somebody is suffering and lonely how do you deal with that situation you just kind of have to respect the that the person knows that you are there and you do want to because it's hard to not take that situation personally as a support person you're right and I think I have I like I've been in this position where I've been wanting to offer to support someone who just wasn't in a place where they wanted or could receive that and that's tough but I think what's important is to keep letting the person know that persistent a little bit that you want to support them yeah to be persistent if they are setting clear boundaries that they don't want your support like that then you need to respect that but I think just making it known to them because they're they're probably this is making the assumption but feeling lonely in their experience too and just not sure how to receive that support and so I think letting them know that you are still in a space where you want to offer them support is important while still respecting their boundaries that they're setting and understanding that it's not a rejection of you it's a reflection of where they're at in their Journey with their mental health challenges I think something that you've mentioned in previous videos too is the value of the support person opening up and and being vulnerable themselves yeah I think that that would be a really really huge offering that you can give to someone who's maybe having a difficulty accepting support is being vulnerable with them because I think something really important to realize is that it takes a tremendous amount of vulnerability to respond to an offering of support with okay here's how you can support me or okay here's what I'm struggling with and this is how I need support that takes incredible vulnerability to do and so maybe having an understanding of that and compassion for that and yeah like you said providing your own offering of vulnerability can really help open the door for that meaningful connection to take place so bringing the focus back to people who are experiencing loneliness I think something that we haven't touched on is the benefits of therapy yeah like what we were just talking about a situation where someone who is experiencing a mental illness and they're not wanting to accept support you know going to therapy and sorting through that can be really beneficial but also learning in therapy how to properly or in an effective way articulate what it is that you're going through so that you can vulnerably share with the people who you you do want to receive support from learning how to articulate that to people and how also a therapist can also help you figure out what support will feel good for you because like we're saying that takes a lot of reflective work figuring out what support you need and what support will feel good and so therapy can be a really effective tool in terms of figuring that out as well yeah I guess I'm thinking about this from a couple different situations or hypothetical situation where somebody just feels like they're not going to get anything out of therapy but and they're also not getting anything out of this report person that they could gain a lot of benefit just in terms of learning how to how to talk to a support person and get support from a support person yeah we just did an episode on why everyone should go to therapy and in it we talked about therapy really being a tool that you can use to figure out how to get more out of your life how to get what you want in terms of experiences out of life and so if creating these meaningful connections with people in your life is a goal of yours therapy can be an excellent medium to work on that and to figure out how to more effectively connect with people in your life and kind of combat that loneliness that you might be experiencing as a result of navigating your mental illness and then ideally you know you can kind of take what you've learned in terms of how to more effectively communicate with your loved ones and kind of set an example for them too in terms of how to offer support and so taking you know what you've learned about how to how you accept support and applying that to the other people in terms of offering them support too because I think that that is also a really important component of combating loneliness and creating that sort of connection is the reciprocal nature of the offering of support and so yeah you want to be able to accept support effectively from these people people and I think sometimes a really great way to start that process or that exchange is to try to figure out how to most effectively offer support to the other person as well if you have the capacity to do so okay so in terms of kind of summarizing the the main key ideas behind dealing with loneliness we have I think that at the core of it is is being vulnerable um and then what comes from that vulnerability is hopefully connection I mean can I just jump in here that like even before vulnerability I think a lot of people who are struggling with loneliness you know struggle with even the first step of creating connection which doesn't necessarily take a lot of vulnerability to initiate so you know taking that first step I think can be you know the first thing and then once you have a connection with someone that you want to take to the more meaningful level and have that supportive exchange with I think that's when vulnerability it becomes really really important right so you're like I'm just kind of I'm jumping to like what would this look like on a practical level and you would maybe say this would look like somebody you send a text to a friend that you haven't talked to in a while and is and trying to kind of just get the ball rolling there like how are you doing yeah yeah what's new life updates yeah yeah and then perhaps diving into you know I've been struggling lately yeah and then you know creating which is the money for that vulnerability to take place right that makes sense joining a book club and forming some sort of relationship with someone before you just sit down next to them and go I'm having a really hard time with loneliness you know like that's that doesn't quite make sense and so you need to form a bit of a relationship first before you can open up to the vulnerability which can then create the meaningful Exchange and so I think that's probably what we want to kind of leave you with is just encouragement to work on putting yourself out there to form these connections and then once you've done that huge step really doing perhaps the tougher thing of opening up making yourself vulnerable to these people and also doing a lot of the reflective work around figuring out how to effectively articulate what you're experiencing to someone else and how to understand or acknowledge I guess what support would feel the best for you to receive from someone else because I think that's a really important step that people forget or miss is figuring out for yourself what do I need from someone else because if you don't know that it's going to be really really hard for someone else to figure out what you need and so that can be a tremendously effective step to take in terms of then being able to let the person who wants to support you know how it would be best or most effective to support you and therapy can help with that therapy can really help with that yeah okay loneliness is really really tough it's something that I've experienced extensively as it pertains to my experience navigating my mental illness loneliness can really lead to like shitty things despair hopelessness it's tough and so it's a hard pattern almost to pull yourself out of yeah and it's something that I think the more you feel it the more you get pulled in deeper feeling it because when you feel like no one understands what you're going through and you're alone in this experience that kind of becomes the lens in which you experience life where there's almost this divide erected between you and literally everyone in the world and so it's really really important to acknowledge that it doesn't need to be this way you know there are countless other people in the world who can understand and relate to what it is you're experiencing and you know there are people who understand and are going through this with you and even if someone isn't necessarily going through the same thing as you there is oftentimes a desire to help to connect you to connect with you to you know help you kind of take down those walls that have been erected and so doing all the steps that we mentioned in today's podcast about how to more effectively connect with people in your life I think is so so important we didn't talk about this and I feel like we're jumping back into it now but you know can we can we briefly chat about what what progress looks like from uh like on a like timeline kind of thing like I I guess I don't want people to feel like this is something that all needs to happen at once right like that loneliness in itself is already overwhelming but I think that what we're talking about and the things that we've talked about today are a lot more kind of iterative and and you don't have to beat yourself up if if this takes you a while to do right right and I think something also that's important to understand is that when we're talking about what support would feel good and what someone can offer you in terms of support it does not mean what can they do to fix all your problems and to make your mental illness go away or whatever like that's not that's not what this is it is creating meaningful connection that helps you feel a bond with someone else that combats that loneliness because the reality is that all human beings are social beings we need that in order to have good mental health in order to thrive and so figuring out how to effectively connect with each other is really going to Aid that overall Improvement to your mental health and it's again you're right it's an ongoing process it's a give and take thing you know you also need to engage in some reciprocity in terms of this relationship in order for it to feel as genuine and kind of like any relationship kind of any relationship yeah I think that's what we're really getting at is how to effectively be in supportive healthy relationships with each other so thank you so much for joining us for this episode where we took a deeper dive into loneliness as it pertains to mental illness and you know something that we mentioned often in this podcast is peer support and so just a final reminder that we do have an online peer support Community where you can access various types of peer support text channels weekly peer support groups and it's just a really wonderful way to kind of work on some of the stuff we've been talking about today in terms of creating meaningful exchanges with people that kind of counteract loneliness and so if that is something that interests you make sure to check out living well with mental illness.org to find out more and to sign up just a reminder that you can find this podcast wherever you get your podcast but we do encourage you to check out our YouTube channel where you can ask us questions in the comments and you can also subscribe so as not to miss any future episodes thank you so much again for joining us today and we will see you in the next episode

Channel: Living Well with Mental Illness

Views: 3,262

Keywords: mental health, mental illness, living well with mental illness, living with mental illness, depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, schizophrenia, schizoaffective, loneliness, feeling alone, feeling alone with mental illness, feeling alone with your mental illness, loneliness and mental health, mental health and loneliness, loneliness and mental illness

Id: dafQ3CIFD9A

Length: 35min 11sec (2111 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 14 2023