So, the audience of this channel has historically
contained similar amounts of man and woman viewers, maybe skewing a little bit toward
the man side. However, after the success of my Sam Harris
video, there are a lot more dudes here now. And considering the types of dudes that are
usually interested in Sam Harris and his cohorts, I’m gonna guess that it’s mostly straight
dudes. Hi I’m T1J! [WEIRD VOICE:] Follow me! So uh, this video is sponsored. Am I real YouTuber yet? But for real, big shoutouts to JORD Watches
for sponsoring this video. Yeah that’s how it’s pronounced ("Yode"). JORD makes these awesome hand-crafted wooden
watches, they’re made from sustainable and ethically sourced materials, and they were
even kind enough to send me one, and I love it, it’s super dope. JORD also wants to hook one of you guys up,
so for the next two weeks if you click the link in the description, you can enter my
giveway and one lucky person will receive $180 off, which actually covers the full price
of many of the watches. Also for the next two weeks, anyone can simply
enter the coupon code “t1j” to get $25 off your purchase. So please check that out, links in the description
and thanks again to JORD for sponsoring. Now a lot of you may not know, but my channel
used to be specifically targeted towards straight men. I used to make a lot of videos attempting
to inspire young men to be more confident and ethical in their romantic and sexual relationships. In fact one of the videos that I’m probably
most associated with, the one that basically put me on the map is a perfect example of
that. Don’t watch that video, by the way, it’s
old and bad and I kinda hate it now. These days, there are a few people out there
giving good, non-toxic sex and relationship advice to men, from the perspective of a man. Shoutouts to Dr. Nerdlove! But I feel like this is a genre that is sorely
lacking overall. Which could be part of the reason why so many
men just don’t know how to ack. Straight men are essentially brought up under
the implication that women are prizes to be won, and that we’re entitled to that prize
for some reason. And this sounds pretty bad, but it’s not
even consciously malicious most of the time. I just think that we succumb to what I like
to call “straight dude logic.” Like in The Office when Michael advises Jim
not to give up on Pam even though she’s engaged. [JIM:] She's engaged. [MICHAEL:] Pfft! BFD. Engaged ain't married. That’s terrible advice! You’re just emotionally manipulating someone
and complicating their life. Or like on Friends, when Joey falls in love
with Rachel, and Ross totally freaks out. Even though Ross has a girlfriend at this
point, and hasn’t been with Rachel for literally like 5 seasons. [JOEY:] Come on Ross! Hey Ross, don't--
[ROSS:] I-I-just, you know, I just have one -- Rachel!!? As usual I tend to think in terms of old sitcoms. forgive me. And I understand that these are fictional
stories, but we internalize and accept things like this our culture. Both Jim and Ross eventually get their respective
girl in spite of these feelings of entitlement, as well as their obvious mediocrity…
and as viewers we’re okay with it! We rooted for them. We’re all like, “oh my god she got off
the plane!” If I’m being serious I always get a little
choked up when Rachel gets off the plane. [RACHEL:] I got off the plane. (audience cheers) But I digress! This is sort of the attitude we’ve been
taught as men. 'We deserve romance, we deserve sex,' oftentimes
we even feel like we get to pick whom we deserve it from; regardless of how shit we are at
being humans, we still somehow are entitled to romantic and sexual attention. So if we’re not getting that, something
must be wrong, either with the women in question, or society as a whole! And if you take ideas like that to the extreme,
that’s how you end up with toxic communities like Pick Up Artists and Incels. But like I said, there’s not a whole lot
of voices who are talking to men to about these things in a way that’s both constructive
and accessible. Or at least if they exist, I’m unaware of
them; feel free to enlighten me. Now of course there is no shortage of people
yelling at straight men on the internet. And this can be an effective way to get people
to be thoughtful about their ideas and behavior. It just depends on the person. But I think that usually this yelling is retributive
rather rehabilitative. And even it weren’t, I’ve come to believe
that shaming and ridiculing people generally fails to makes them want to change. In fact I think it often makes them more steadfast
in their convictions. And on top of that usually the people yelling
aren’t also straight men. Which makes sense, because straight men don’t
usually have to deal with the consequences of the problematic behavior of other straight
men, while other groups of people, particularly women do. But this is unfortunate, because it’s easier
to get through to someone if you know what they’ve been through and can empathize with
their point of view. Now I am not an expert on any subject much
less sex and relationships, but to all of my friends out there who are straight men,
let’s talk for second. And this isn’t exclusive to straight men,
and also it doesn’t apply to all straight men, #notallmen…(sigh)
Do I really have to say that? Yeah this is the internet I guess I do. But these are lesson that I personally had
to learn, so hopefully it will get some of you thinking. So when a woman is overtly sexual, it’s
usually seen by most people as pretty remarkable and unusual, whether in a good or bad way. And if we're being honest, it's often bad
way. But with men, society doesn’t usually punish
or even notice us for being openly sexual. Not all guys are like that, but in my experience
men are much more likely than women to openly, in public ,discuss sex, and who they think
is hot and who they wanna fuck. Or make sexual jokes, or discuss the features
of their own genitals loudly at a Mexican restaurant in the booth right behind me. Like, really?! I have no doubt that women are probably as
likely to have sexual thoughts as men are, but they also seem much more likely to keep
it to themselves, or keep it among their trusted circle. But I get it, I’m very sexual myself, and
I’m very sex positive and open about sex. But I think the fact that there is rarely
any social punishment for me being like that has a lot to do with it. I think that it is a good thing for people
to be more open and communicative about sex. But this is a hard thing to achieve because
of the way that straight men tend to grow up thinking about sex and relationships with
women. And I’m not immune to this. Whenever I see like a photo on social media
of a woman that I think is really attractive. My brain briefly has to muscle through a maze
of “straight dude logic”. My brain's all like,
“Dude, she’s hot. Well I obviously gotta say something, girls
like being told they’re pretty, right? Girls like being told that you want to (bleep),
right? But you gotta be smooth so as to differentiate
yourself from the hundred other guys in this thread. Maybe you should send a private message. Maybe if you’re extra charming, she might
ask you to come over right now!” This is obviously absurd, but I think a lot
of very sexual people have to process through this kind of horny mentality. But many people seem to get stuck there, and
end up giving in to these ridiculous urges. If you ever looked at the comment sections
on some women’s photos, you’ll understand what I mean. And in fact when I was much younger, I often
gave into these stupid urges and found myself doing and saying ridiculous creepy shit all
the time. Now sometimes dudes are completely inappropriate
and obviously out of line, but it’s not always like that. Sometimes people give genuine compliments
in a relatively civil way. And sometimes people are okay with that, but
sometimes they aren’t. And I don’t think that women or anyone is
required to graciously accept unsolicited flirtation or sexual advances. And to be honest, on a surface level I think
that most people actually understand that unwanted advances are undesirable, even if
they are technically civil. Because I mean think about if and when it
happens to you. Kinda awkward and annoying right? And for many women there is an added layer
of the threat of violence upon handing out rejection. Probably most dudes won’t get violent, but
if one decides to, there is often not much a woman can do to defend themselves. So just imagine having that in the back of
your head, while some stranger is telling you you’re beautiful. This is why I think men have to think more
carefully about how they are making women feel in these situations. But when we get deep into our feelings and
urges, we often don't consider how someone else might be feeling. If we get rejected or ignored we often feel
like something unfair has happened to us, even though that makes no sense, because we’re
not entitled to other people’s affection, no matter how nice or accommodating we are
to them. Just like I said in that video I told you
not to watch. [T1J]: Dude this is not a fucking transaction
where you walk to the cashier and pull out your "nice bucks" and buy sex and romance! So when disgruntled women are tweeting about
how straight men are trash, it can come off as implying that having sexual or lustful
urges is a bad thing. And that men can’t truly be allies to the
plight of women unless we somehow get rid of these cravings. Of course I don’t think that’s the case,
but here’s the thing. We are human beings. And one of the useful things about being a
human is our capacity to change and control our behavior in spite of our impulses. If you’re a good person, you should value
the safety, comfort, and happiness of the people you interact with more than you value--maybe
getting sex? But here’s the pill that might be hard to
swallow. Maybe a swallowing metaphor is the not the
best for this particular video? But It’s very possible and frankly probable
that men who aggressively pursue sex, likely receive it frequently. I mean after a certain point it’s just playing
the odds. But in pursuit of that there are dozens, if
not hundreds of frightened, creeped out women left in their wake. Unfortunately, I know this from experience. And even among the ones who agreed to it,
how many of those women felt pressured into it. How many gave in to avoid a fight? And I’m not even going to get into how some
men seem to not understand what actually constitutes consent in the first place. Guys often tie some measure of personal value
to their sexual success with women. That’s why go-to insults for straight men
sometimes include calling them gay, or making fun of their inability to find or keep a partner. [2 PAC]: ♫You claim to be a playa but I
fucked your wife!♫ And don’t get me wrong, sex is fucking dope,
and I personally think you should have as much consensual sex as you want. But it’s not something to derive any fraction
of your self worth from. It’s not the point of being alive. It’s not even necessarily the point of forming
relationships. It’s clearly not so important that you should
neglect to consider someone else’s comfort and well-being in pursuit of it. As I see people do very often. Usually straight guys. I’ve been known to say stuff like, “it’s
not that hard to be respectful, or to not be creepy” but I don't know, maybe for some
people it is. Maybe a lot of men struggle with finding a
way to express their sexuality in a way that doesn’t ruin other people’s days/lives. So as with anything that’s hard to do, I
would suggest practice. Literally practice not being creepy. When you’re presented with an opportunity
to make a decision based on “straight dude logic”, instead just don’t. Try to always be mindful about what you're
doing and what you're saying. Think about how the other person might feel. Even if nothing bad directly happens as a
result of your behavior, it’s still not a good look, you look foolish, and it will
probably damage your reputation. Girls talk. The mere fact that you are attracted to someone
does not entitle you to their attention. This sounds pretty obvious, but you’d be
surprised at how many people have not truly internalized that. And I’m not saying you can’t talk to women,
or you can’t flirt with people, or ask people out. But there’s a time and a place, and also
respectful ways of doing it. Like DMing random women you don’t know is
probably not gonna get you anywhere You look foolish. Maybe wait until you match someone on Tinder
for example, it’s a more suitable context. But even then maybe don’t tell the person
that you wanna (bleep) within the first few messages. Also, and this is probably the most important
part, you have to respect their right to say no if that’s what they decide. I think sometimes in these political, social
justice, #MeToo type conversations, people in positions of privilege, like straight people
and men, may sometimes feel like in order to be perceived an ally or non-problematic,
they must live up to some impossible standard of perfection. And I guess if you spend too much time on
Twitter I can see why you might think that. Please, look away from the timeline every
now and then. I promise in the real world there are people
who aren’t lunatics. As a straight man, I understand where you’re
coming from. Maybe a lot of you guys out there are immune
to straight dude logic, and those creepy thoughts never enter your head. I'm not! I think publicly expressing sexuality as a
man in a safe and healthy way can be difficult, and maybe that’s a topic we can talk about
more in the future. But like most things, I think it boils down
to basic respect and compassion towards other humans. Before you give into that straight dude logic,
consider how it might affect someone else. DAS JUS ME DOE. What do you think? Thank you for watching my video. I’m really close to 100,000 subscribers,
so if you like the video consider subscribing to help me reach that milestone. If you’d like to support this channel and
help me make the videos even better as well as receive free merch and other rewards, consider
donating a small amount per month on Patreon. Big shoutouts to my existing patrons, and
I will see you all the next video. Bye.
I can't relate to what the guy's saying about "straight dude logic." I've never felt comfortable expressing my sexuality, and being rejected by women makes me feel shame and disgust with myself even when I haven't done anything wrong. Maybe most heterosexual men have trouble empathizing with women or not inappropriately prioritizing their desires over women's desires, but those are not the problems I have had.
I found this video and thought that it presents a helpful/compassionate view of the more toxic aspects of heteronormative attitudes about sex and dating. Some of which have been reoccurring themes both in /r/malementalhealth and in discussions of masculinity.
I'm curious to hear other responses and thoughts about this video. Personally I found it interesting and good to hear, because despite being bisexual I can definitely fall into "straight dude logic" at times, especially when I feel particularly disconnected from friends or depressed. I guess some questions for discussion (if those are needed?) would be:
What did you think of the video?
How has "straight dude logic" played a role in your mental health?
How is "straight dude logic" complicated outside of heterosexual spaces?
What do you think of some of the "solutions" T1J offers and do you think there are other solutions?
Hello everyone, I made this video. I appreciate the very thoughtful discussions surrounding it (and I appreciate this sub in general). If anyone has anything they'd like to say/ask me directly feel free.
Seems like a nice person. Glad there are people like this. I don't really agree with most of the content in this video or like the tone he uses, which seems kind of condescending, like a health class, albeit with a cool teacher. He is very much telling the viewer how things are in a top-down way, with some very questionable and potentially harmful assertions, such as:
-That women are less allowed to be overtly sexual. T1J defines this in a narrow way, basically talking loudly about sex stuff. If that is all you consider your sexuality to be, then maybe he is correct. However, women are socially permitted to wear a larger variety of clothes, including sexually suggestive clothes. They are permitted to assume gender roles in a much more flexible way. In pop culture, it is sexy for women both to be assertive or submissive. A submissive man is considered gay or a cuckold, or just bizarre. I could go on with other examples. The idea that permeates this video is that men have to change their behavior to be less overtly sexual, when really, men should probably be encouraged to express their sexuality in a wider variety of ways than is currently socially acceptable.
-He uses the language of "deserving" sex, without deconstructing what it means to deserve something. I'm so tired of the quip: "the universe doesn't owe you a sexual partner." The same people who say this often then imply that if you change your behavior pattern from x to y, you will be a better man and a better lover/partner. Doesn't a better lover/partner deserve romance more than a worse one? We infantilize men when we imply that if they feel they deserve something, they will just take it, even if it means sexual violence. You can feel you deserve something, know that you good enough for it, and still accept that you do not have it. Either you must credit men with this self-restraint, or you must abandon the whole concept of ever deserving anything, in any context.
All in all, I may have benefited from this video when I was 15-18 years old, so maybe it can serve as a surrogate sexual health class for some people, but I think we can do better for adults. I do like the bit about how satisfying your sex drive shouldn't be so important that it is worth making other people feel uncomfortable/unsafe. This is something that was not really talked about by men when I was a teenager.
I’ve never seen this guy before but this is fantastic.
Oh hey, it's that guy from Serious Inquiries Only.
First, I think he presents this in a pretty effective way. He's not condescending and admits, even if wierdly grudgingly, that his generalizations don't apply to everyone in the group he's talking about. (Side note: why is that so annoying to people? It would be the literal bare minimum with any other group, but men should just take it as given that when someone says "Straight men are trash" to use his example, that if you take them at their word you're the asshole).
Anyway, to his actual points: it seems like "straight guy logic" is something that I've witnessed almost as often in straight women and gay folks of either gender. Yeah, I've known men who talk about sexual topics in public, but they tend to be wierd old baby boomers and are quite rare in my own generation. If anything, the majority of the coworkers and classmates that I've had who talked about such things in public were women. As for acting like you're "owed" sex or attention, this is definitely something men do--but it's definitely not unique to men. I've had a lot of girls who were very reluctant to take no for an answer, who were wildly affronted by declining sex. I think society's stereotypes that men always want sex make it a bigger deal when men decline--and moreover, the "no means no" message is almost always targeted at men, so a disturbing amount of women don't think it applies to them.
There's also something that bothers me about this kind of argument whenever it comes up: it's always pointed out that you're not owed sex or attention from the gender of your choice. Which is true. But what's too often implied is that you don't deserve sex, which I don't think should be conflated. There are plenty of things that I think everyone deserves--a living wage, affordable healthcare, a place to live--but that doesn't mean that any individual can demand these things of an employer, healthcare provider or landlord individually. The fact that not everybody gets what they deserve is a flaw in the system, not evidence that they don't deserve them or are overly-entitled for wanting them. I know there are plenty of men (and women) who confuse those things and make demands of anyone they're attracted to, but I also think it's the wrong strategy to jump down the throat of those who lament the fact that they don't get the love they deserve because you assume that means they feel they're owed it. That just exacerbates the problem.
Now, maybe I'm just too removed from mainstream culture to see the prevalence of this issue. Maybe it's selection bias that I notice these things from my female associates more than my male associates. But I've been very sensitive to this sort of thing when I have noticed it in my male colleagues, and I'm glad it's been as rare as it has.
He basically pointed out the most frustrating thing that I think about courting today: “Maybe send a message if you match on tinder. That’s appropriate”
I think the biggest issue is that people don’t expect to speak to each other anymore. I find it banal that we need an electronic dating resume and are limited to whoever likes us back.
Part of (my) life is meeting people on the fly, creating opportunity for attraction, and building anticipation. The issue is that men and women no longer know how to navigate courtship, and now that the office is officially a no fly zone a lot of men will have no where besides an app to meet partners. (Outside of family/friend blind dates)
Have to finish the video, but going to the Friends example, I think it's not the greatest example because it's not unique to men by any means, or rather to say it would be a decent argument if Ross and Rachel didn't already know each other for years and have a history, people finding someone they really click with and not really getting over them despite appearances to the contrary up to and including getting into another relationship as cover, that's not really a man thing, that's a people thing.
It's not particularly healthy, and really easy to dismiss in theory as 'oh well people just shouldn't do that' when just looking at examples from an outside view but in real life there's just a lot more tied up in addition to people being at the center of things as opposed to an outside observer.
Anyways, yeah being irrationally selfish about love and attraction is not a straight man thing and I don't like that this video sets up that these are 'straight man' traits as opposed to just human traits, because at least for the Ross/Rachel example, there's plenty of people that have been in that situation where they haven't really moved on and are still holding out for someone else who has moved on.
This was an excellent video. All of his points were thoroughly explained; whenever he elaborated I felt he addressed all the major points of all of his observations. He was mindful of both sides in all of his arguments. As a woman, I appreciate that he understands the female perspective but also remains empathetic to the perspective of the straight male side. I couldn't have said it any better.