Cum Town - Steven Seagal

so I've been watching a shit-ton of what I like to call the Entenmann's donut goatee Segal era anything post mm probably 2011 or 12 okay so the last four years of Seagal movies and he's never been like particularly an active guy but you know like undersea Jerry he's in good shape he's you know he's in above the law first of all people don't realize about Seagal is it when above the law came out he was already like 34 years old right he wasn't a young guy so his first movie he was already you know like getting on and you can see his hair lines [ __ ] up in that movie yeah it's all like thin you know in the front and then and hard to kill his hair lines fixed and you know he's a little bit fatter and he just got progressively fatter through throughout his entire career yeah that was back today when you didn't have to be cut yeah well now he's 65 years old and 60 his body still looks he's still making movies right his life we need to send our best Special Forces and he spends half the movie in a chair so we watched last night sniper special ops and they there's no : it's sniper special Tom Berenger sniper series are not related to sniper special ops and he does maybe five seconds of sniping it's right in the beginning and refuses to take his sunglasses off while looking through the sniper rifle so he's wearing these dumb [ __ ] like snowboarding sunglasses while like looking down this rifle and then when they show the enemies in the reticle they're like five feet away taking up the entire scope so he's probably you know a 10 5 feet away from these guys and missing you think Stephen Segal the actor yeah it's like no absolutely not I'm not getting out of this chair I'm not taking yes 100% I guarantee that's fast yeah because the thing about all these movies is they're all produced by steamroller productions which he owns what that's like a Chinese company he owns it with some Asian guy yes when you work a restaurant to wait on the owner of the restaurant yeah so you know all these people then he brings all these [ __ ] old Fox out of retirement so it's like you know like Rob Van Winkle like dying wrestlers yeah it's all like hired special ops you know it's all RVD yeah it's neither special ops he's like bingo guy overwatch - is it charlie anything in my he's yeah he's playing like you know they're part of like this like special ops team and they're all like in the the minimum age is 51 years and they're in like Afghanistan somewhere and then they show their commander who's a major and because it makes sense yeah he's a colonel and it wouldn't make sense if he was like you know their age so they have like an 87 year old man still meters gold in them hills you know it just doesn't make any sense yeah yeah it's soaked I mean Segal is like he literally puts such minimum effort into the action like the way he fires the gun is like I can't even describe it like just sort of like yeah he's just like limp-wristed we fire the gun but not even looking where you shoot there's no special ops or he's working some radio and he's just sort of lazily pointing a gun at the window next to him in case anyone comes because it's understood that he never has to aim the gun his partner also gets shot it needs to drag him away it's clear that he's like connected to like some sort of wire yeah and like you see him holding yeah and then the [ __ ] body moves I literally almost peed my pants yeah anything anything post-2012 is like this sergeant Chandler yes ma'am are you really as good as they all say you are ever once a while and he's got one of those oh he talks like a black person now yeah well that started with glimmer managed progress for now he talks like a slave yeah you know these [ __ ] don't Joe what's wrong with you man you slipping but you can't check your six Robert just like old times huh me saving your life and your hooker girl flying up into the wind any my business come around here cut me off cut me off a little so Manette good maybe do a little mission here you should play you could we place a black Bluebird man that's it for whatever reason he stopped being Chinese and he's black in that I'm confused we got the badges we got the guns you got a screwdriver it's kind of like you know taking a screwdriver to a gunfight and pig that's an old friend you all must not be from around here y'all must be to another country what's on the queue is Asian connection which I want to watch with it what the connection is connection between Steven Seagal and the dialysis machine it's the [ __ ] Steve's in his arm that means one of us has to die they believe it to fit yeah they go like three years like special ops dossier like on the computer there's a picture of him young and we were joking around last night it's from a movies from another movie like 30 years yeah cover for sniper special ops they've just photoshopped his fat head on someone else's body yes as poorly as they possible man that's no they just they [ __ ] pump these movies out the other one we watched the other night a good man a good man where he played the good man yeah he's the good man I wonder how much [ __ ] he get do you think he'd get more than like who summer bin Laden god I'm gonna be sorry to kill his ass and so basically the plot is this he's like some kind of axe special it's always act special force and he's living it he's living in Bucharest and he you know just has an apartment and he's been tracking this weapons dealer that got away when he murdered all these people that killed his part they have a flashback scene in the beginning where you see him sneaking into some building just fatly going around corner while his while his special ops partner who looks like a [ __ ] homeless person this guy's like again 57 that's 60 years old you know emaciated shitty like [ __ ] you know like like Civil War General who made shoes yeah yeah yeah kind of [ __ ] you know like like McClellan that's what yes we gotta get in we you got two tangos on your left you know this homeless guy in the woods on overwatch and Steven Seagal and then like a thing blows up and some girl dies and so he's upset so he wants to go find this weapons dealer he's a Chinese guy and he's in Bucharest and he's like killing these Russian gangsters and his calling card when he kills them is he leaves some incense on the ground and then just scribble some [ __ ] in Chinese and and so his neighbor who's this woman who's like having trouble getting in her apartment one day and has like a young girl with her he's like you know you know and then he just breaks into her apartment for or whatever and then they're in there and he's like you know your kids nice or whatever and she's like yes I love my sister and then you see like that's supposed to be like you let you know like yeah her [ __ ] isn't ruined [Laughter] the implication is my name is Nana Chu and she's my sister yeah what's happening and then so and then the plot gets really [ __ ] convoluted where yeah the so the the arms dealer is doing a deal with the Russian mob who he's not really interested in but the Russian mob owns the neighbor and the sister because they're her dad owed them money so when the dad died she had to become a bartender in their strip club not a stripper not not a [ __ ] not they just be a bartender but then she saw is in a really nice apartment you know sounds pretty reasonable loses all their money or something and they owe money to the arms dealer and so instead of giving him the money they're like we will give you the girl instead so she's their slave their slate basically but the arms dealer like I don't know why he would want a girl he's like no it's two million dollars I went to some [ __ ] middle-aged Romanian woman you know how many it was like he's like deal and then they bring the little girl instead of like the main one and he's like well I guess I can sell her to a pedophile so he lines up a sail with a pedophile and then the pedophile shows up yeah and there's three human transactions yeah and then Segall shows up with this other guy he does this thing now he brings a younger martial artist in and they do the majority of the ass-kicking and then so Segal does barely nothing Segal meets the younger guy and he's like all right I'll help you but you got to do everything my way and then the guy does everything for himself literally nothing yes they saved the guy they saved the girl and at the end of the movie the neighbor is just like you know basically like well I can't thank you enough and then he just [ __ ] her even though there's been no romantic connection with you he's older than her by 40 they make these poor young acts I would say the [ __ ] scene is him fully clothed while she's naked and he's just touching her body still wearing a sunglass definition of a good man yeah [ __ ] man I want to watch this I'm jealous dude they're so good do they ever say good man in the movie no they don't that's a yes it's like basically every trope that you know from the 80s you know like there's another one i watch code of honor last night and opens up with you know like a bunch of different types of gangs meeting in some meeting area you know so there's bikers and then like you show blows and then black eyes and Russians and they meet and they of course have briefcases and they're like you got the stuff and it's like I want to see the money first right you know and it's like I don't even know where you buy a suitcase anymore how much the props Department spent days looking for a suitcase to put that money in I really want to write a movie where Steven Seagal kills James Bond I could make that in Russia he's best friends with Putin do it and you just imply really heavily that it's James Bond no I want to use the name James whose is James Bond [ __ ] nobody says in twice to me I'm gone can we just make a shitty action movie yeah maybe that mean awesome as shitty as those movies look they still cost probably 4 million I don't know but you know what I'm say there's like eat your life in rent some Humvees it's not that hard [Music] you [Music]

Channel: ClangersTV

Views: 2,940,319

Rating: 4.9050813 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: BzIHyF7UWY4

Length: 13min 19sec (799 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 16 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/thunder_struck85]

I'm from eastern Europe.... he was hot shit in the early and mid 90s back then. He actually seemed like he knew how to fight and his movies weren't so Terry le compared to the acting of Stallone, Van Damme and all the action movies of the time.

Dude has become an absolute joke, though. It almost makes it seem like he doesnt care how terrible his movies are anymore, like they are just a money laundering operation for something else.

[u/cantCommitToAHobby]

That poor actress...

[u/ConcealedPsychosis]

Did anybody see that god awful show on A&E
Steven Seagal: Lawman where he supposedly rides around, chase bad guys and arrest them?

It so so staged it was cringeworthy

[u/GsurfDawg]

He was never good

[u/SigilofBiphomet]

Every Steven Seagal movie was written by Charlie, Mac, and Dennis. Except he doesn't hang dong.

[u/Chinche1991]

I’m not going to defend the guy. It seems like he’s always been a massive d-bag. He made shitty reggae that is so much worse than anything else he has ever, or will ever do. That being said this man participated in the single greatest scene in the history of cinema, one that should be broadcast into space so alien civilizations can watch and understand what it truly means to be human. Steven Seagal posed one of the greatest philosophical questions of all time, in the worst attempt at a Brooklyn accent ever.

“Whose hotdog is this?”

Whose indeed Steven, whose indeed.

Has anybody seen Richie?

[u/Capt_Smashnballs]

If you enjoyed this look up Tom Segura’s bit about Steven Seagal. It’s hilarious

[u/KimJongSkilll]

The way he held that pistol soo lazily fucking killlled me

[u/cloudnyne]

Steven Seagal is his own cult. I wouldn't be surprised if he is living a Tiger King lifestyle.