Steve Harvey "Live" - Excerpt from Megafest

my text tonight is get your house in order i know you might be thinking right now pastors you talking about getting ready to go to heaven damn what i'm talking about you might be saying you're so pastor if you mean getting yourself prepared to see your maker in the afterlife that ain't what i'm talking about you might be thinking of yourself pastor is getting your house in order a sign that i need to start straightening up that ain't what i'm talking about either i'm talking about 14 14 sycamore road that's the house that ain't all that in order you might think pastor ain't got no problems but pastor got problems too let's start with my wife sitting on the front row with that great big old white hat on yeah but it's something else i want to get off my chest about my house not being in order i want to talk about her brother her beloved brother the one that i have loved ever since we was born i got a problem with her brother now cause her brother just a couple weeks ago then decided that he wants to come out to close it i ain't got no problem with you coming out the closet but you should have told me you was in there we've been playing around and laughing all these years and i didn't know why you was hugging me so hard i'm getting sick of your brother and another thing tell your brother when i'm watching tv to quit walking in front of me with your bathrobe on you tell that to your brother cause i ain't got it going on like that and since he gonna wear the robe why don't you put that white hat on the one i don't like either and another thing i know we on a touchy subject cause y'all sitting in here has changed your position in your seat but i'm gonna stay on the subject cause i feel like it tell your brother to stop smacking his lips every time he speak to me you know sometimes i want to come to you why does he always have to taste himself before he talk is he checking to see if he's still sweet cause he sure is stop slapping your lips when you talk to me i'm your brother am i getting it right sister everything all right over there i hear you amen i forgot you were sister bunnies i thought you was ricky smiley you wasn't supposed to hit me i started to knock you off that but i had to catch myself god ain't through with me yet please don't trip now let's talk about these kids i want to get that out right now especially that oldest one the one that don't look nothing like me i've been waiting on the blood test for 12 years i think the blood test then came and gone on the same day i think you took it out the mailbox because i've been looking at this little big head boy ain't nobody in my family got a head that big i looked all in your family ain't nobody got a head that big but deacon raymond pettigrew got a head that big i should have known before i married you when i saw you in the corner whispering with him something was going on ain't nobody got a head like that except deacon pettigrew but i'm gonna raise him cause i'm a man and i said that i would so i'm gonna let bygone be back on but before we get out of here i want to talk about your sister the one that you don't let come by the house no more cause you say we keep making eye contact well i want to remind you about something you've been with your sister all your life and it's obvious that you didn't forgot but here's a fact i ain't the only one making eye contact with your sister you didn't forgot your sister cock-eyed she looking at everybody in the room i don't know who she looking at she ain't just looking at me she asked everybody in the room a question everybody say huh you didn't hear me i said she asked a question everybody in the room say huh we don't know who she looking at i'm tired of running around the room trying to stay out of her way i'm so sick of hiding trying to figure out if she looking this way you know your sister cockeyed stop having her come over on thanksgiving it's hard to eat with her she talking about past to play please i got to hand her everything on the table before i get it right her eyes are just caught looking all over the place i don't know what she want to eat those are the church is now open rick just follow me on this i thought this would be hot uh you know i've introduced some of the biggest and greatest names in show business my career been good man uh god done a lot for me in 20 years really has man adam bought out some names man you know when you in this business you know that matters what you do counts in this business we just talk about what i do for a living it may not count on my trip to heaven but a count in the business that i'm in and everybody like recognition for they work you want a promotion on your job you want awards you want to get plaques you want to be number one you want to be in the president's club the top sales you want to be a employee of the month so you can park close all that everybody everybody want reward for their work i ain't no different i'm just sitting here saying that my my career man been amazing to me and what's gotten me to this point tonight after 20 years to be able to stand here because free you don't you don't even know where i'm at right now tell anybody and having uh introduced some of the biggest names in the world from secular music to gospel i hosted showtime at apollo longer than anybody i don't want nine naacp image awards i won naacp entertainer of the year i've hosted the bet awards me and said started that i've hosted the essence awards i've hosted bet comedy awards i've hosted every celebration of gospel that they've ever had i was sitting up thinking to myself and just go with me on this it's just me again with that third eye just wondering what some would be like i was wondering just in my imagination of the ultimate introduction that if i had the chance to bring out jesus i was thinking what would i say with this third eye with my ability as a comedian what would i say if somebody let me introduce it because he gonna get introduced one day it's what my mama has always my mother taught me as 36 years of a sunday school teacher the jesus was gonna come back one day i believe that through every piece of hard time out ahead when y'all see me on tape and it don't look like i know him trust me i know him every day there's no way i could have got here without it what i believe has gotten me here this is real talk so if you will just imagine with me if i had the pleasure of bringing out christ this is just how i would do it it ain't got to be the way you do it you might not think it's just right but this is how i would do it ladies and gentlemen it is my honor to introduce a man who needs no introduction his credits are too long to list he has done the impossible time after time he has out of a manger in bethlehem jerusalem by way of heaven his mother is still headlining in the catholic church today his daddy is the author of a book that has been on the bestseller list since the beginning of time he holds the record for the world's greatest fish fry he fed 5 000 hungry souls with two fish five loads of bread he can walk on water turn water into wine no special effects no camera tricks he has a head shot on every church fan across the country even before the kings of comedy he was hell the king of all kings ruler of the and universe beginning at the end the bright and the moaning star some say he's the rose of sharon and some say he's the prince of peace get up on your feet put your hands together and show your love for the second coming you

Channel: FitzHoustonProds

Views: 18,348

Keywords: Comedy

Id: f5cFF9RB9wI

Length: 14min 0sec (840 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 21 2012