HEY, YOU KNOW, JON, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT YOU BUT EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID I WANT TO GO TO SPACE
AND I AM ONE LUCKY LITTLE BOY, BECAUSE RECENTLY THE FOLKS AT
NASA OFFERED TO LET ME TEST DRIVE THE PROTOTYPE OF THEIR NEW
MARS ROVER BEFORE THEY SEND IT TO MARS, THEY WANT TO SEE IF IT
CAN WITHSTAND NEW YORK'S INHOSPITABLE ATMOSPHERE OF URINE
BASED HUMIDITY. AND THE ROVER SEATS TWO, SOY
INVITED MY FRIEND ASTROPHYSICIST NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON BECAUSE IN
THAT GUY KNOWS A LOT ABOUT MARS AND WAS ALSO WILLING TO PITCH IN
FOR GAS. JIM? >> NEIL! , HEY, GOOD TO SEE YOU, HEY,
HEY. >> THANKS FOR STOPPING BY. >> GOOD, WHERE IS THE ROVER? >> PARKED AROUND HERE SOME PLACE
I GOT THE KEY FOB RIGHT HERE. OH, THERE YOU GO. THERE IT IS. >> COOL. >> Stephen: THIS LOOKS LIKE THE
BAT MOBILE. >> IT DOES
>> Stephen: LOOK AT ALL THE ANGELS. YOU ADMIT, THIS IS BAD ASS,
RIGHT? >> YES, YES. >> Stephen: LOOK AT THIS THING. OXYGEN CLAIM W OXYGEN CHAMBER
SUPPLY LINE. CAN YOU IMAGINE, CAN THAT'S A
NICE REACTION, WHAT HAPPENS? WELL, NITROUS OXIDE, THIS IS A
FATHER BUS. E WE WILL BE TRIPPING BALLS IN
THIS THING. >> Stephen: THIS ROVER'S A
ROCKIN'. >> SOMEONE IS ANALYZING ROCKS. >> Stephen: OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? WHAT-- DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD
COLONIZE MARS? >> I'M NOT-- I DON'T TELL PEOPLE
WHAT TO DO. >> Stephen: WE SHOULD DEFINITELY
COLONIZE MARS. >> NO, HERE'S MY-- HERE'S MY
POINT. WHO'S GOING TO WANT TO DO THAT? BECAUSE I DON'T SEE PEOPLE L-- I
LINE UP TO COLONIZE ANTARCTICA AND
DON'T SEE PEOPLE LINED UP TO COLONIZE ANTARCTICA. AND LIKE I SAID, ANTARCTICA IS
BALMIER AND WETTER THAN ANY PLACE ON MARS. AND NOBODY'S LINED UP TO
COLONIZE ANTARCTICA. >> Stephen: MATT DAMON-- MATT
DAMON PROVED THAT ON MARS, YOU CAN GROW POTATOES IN YOUR POOP. YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN ANTARCTICA. >> YEAH, POOP POTATOES CAN WORK. >> Stephen: THEY CAN? >> THAT-- THAT-- THAT'S TRUE. >> Stephen: THAT'S SCIENCE. LET'S GET IN THE CAR. LET'S GET IN THE CAR. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE AN
APPOINTMENT ON MARS OR ANYTHING, DO YOU? >> READY. >> Stephen: I'M THE BATMAN,
LET'S GO. LET'S GO TO MARS. FIGHT CRIME. I FIGHT CRIME ON MARS. >> I REFUSE TO BE ROBIN--
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. DO I HAVE TO SAY, "BLAST OFF"
BEFORE I START? >> NO, 'CAUSE WE'RE STILL ON
WHEELS. BLAST IS A ROCKET-- YEAH. >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO SAY IT
ANYWAY. BLAST OFF! OH MY GOD. HOLY COW. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE? DO YOU SEE-- DO YOU SEE--
>> YEAH, YOU'RE DOING-- >> Stephen: WHAT DOES IT SAY? >> YOU'RE DOING THREE
MILES-PER-HOUR OR LESS. >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU KNOW? >> YEAH, YEAH. >> Stephen: DO YOU SEE IT? >> NO, I'M JUDGING HOW FAST
THE... >> Stephen: YOU'RE JUST JUDGING. >> I KNOW. >> Stephen: YOU JUST DOING THE
MATH? >> LOW SPEEDS. YEAH, I CAN DO THE MATH. >> Stephen: YOU'RE JUST LOOKING
OUT THE WINDOW? >> I-- I COULD DO THE MATH. >> Stephen: SCIENTISTS CALL THAT
YANKING IT OUT OF YOUR BUTT. IS WHAT THAT STAB WAS? "YEAH, YOU'RE DOIN' THREE--
>> INSTEAD OF "THE FAST AND FURIOUS," WE'RE "THE SLOW AND
LUGUBRIOUS." 0 HOW MANY MILES AWAY IS GARZA? >> WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHERE IT
IS IN ITS ORBIT. BUT WHEN IT'S AT ITS BEST TRAVEL
DISTANCE, IT TAKES NINE MONTHS TO GET THERE. >> Stephen: OKAY. AT HOW FAST? >> YOU'D BE GOING SEVEN TO TEN
MILES PER SECOND. >> Stephen: SEVEN TO TEN MILES
PER SECOND. THIS IS GOING FOUR MILES AN
HOUR? >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. >> Stephen: SO WE'LL HAVE TO FIT
IN SOME BATHROOM BREAKS-- >> YOU'D BE DEAD BEFORE YOU GOT
THERE. CERTAIN TRAVEL IN SPACE IS--
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE THEORY. >> INCOMMENSURATE WITH HUMAN
PHYSIOLOGY AND LIFE EXPECTANCY. >> Stephen: SAY THAT IN-- IN--
IN-- ENGLISH. WHAT IS THAT? >> THERE'S SOME TRIPS THROUGH
SPACE-- TO DESTINATIONS THAT TAKE LONGER THAN YOUR LIFE
EXPECTANCY. SO... ONE SOLUTION IS YOU JUST
BRING A LOT OF FERTILE PEOPLE. >> Stephen: OKAY. >> YEAH. YOU HAVE TO GO WITH AN EXPRESS
PURPOSE OF MAKING BABIES, OTHERWISE--
>> Stephen: OKAY. I GO EVERYWHERE WITH THE
EXPECTED PURPOSE OF MAKING BABIES. WOULD BE GREAT TO PICK UP YOUR
DATE IN THIS. CAN YOU IMAGINE? >> I THINK YOU CAN. >> Stephen: "GET IN, BABY." >> YOU CAN DATE ANYONE IN THIS. >> Stephen: REALLY? >> YEAH, PRETTY MUCH. >> Stephen: OR NO ONE. I DON'T THINK THERE'S--
>> ANY IN BETWEEN. EVERYONE OR NO ONE IN THIS--
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS GUY DOING? HEY, I AM DRIVING HERE
I'M GOING TO BACK IT UP. HIT IT. >> BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. >> Stephen: LITTLE HIGHER. >> BEEP, BEEP. >> Stephen: THAT'S IT. >> BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. >> Stephen: WHAT DO WE NEED
BEFORE WE GO TO MARS? >> YOU NEED SUPPLIES. >> Stephen: SUPPLIES? >> YOU GOT TO-- YOU GOT TO--
LIVE FOR NINE MONTHS. SO YOU NEED SOME WATER. YOU NEED SOME HIGH-CALORIE FOOD. >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. I'LL PULL OVER AT THIS DUANE
REED RIGHT OVER HERE. >> OH, OKAY. >> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S GO. >> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS. >> Stephen: WE NEED SUPPLIES? >> UH-HUH, UH-HUH. NAH, I DON'T NEED ANY MAKEUP. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T? >> NO, NO. >> Stephen: WELL, I DON'T KNOW. >> NO. >> Stephen: AN EYEBROW PENCIL. WHAT IF OUR EYEBROWS BURN OFF ON
ENTRY IN THE MARTIAN ATMOSPHERE? WE DON'T WANT TO LOOK SURPRISED
ALL THE TIME. YOU GOT TO DRAW THEM BACK ON,
OKAY? >> CORRECT, CORRECT. >> Stephen: FAMILY PLANNING,
NEIL. >> OOH, NO, NO--
>> Stephen: FAMILY PLANNING. >> IF YOU'RE GOING TO MARS, YOU
WANT TO PROCREATE. >> Stephen: WHAT IF THE ALIENS
CAPTURE ME AND TRY TO PLANT THEIR BABIES IN ME? >> 'CAUSE EVERY--
>> Stephen: IS THE AL-- IS THE ALIEN--
>> WE KNOW-- WE KNOW ALIENS DO THIS. >> Stephen: PUT A JIMMY HAT ON
THAT FACE HUGGER. >> ALL RIGHT. OH, MY GOD. >> YOU DON'T KNOW-- DO THEY-- DO
THE ALIENS NEED MAGNUMS? >> Stephen: LET'S-- LET'S--
>> I DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: LET'S PLAY IT SO--
UH-HUH. OH, MY GOD. YOU SET IT-- YOU SET OFF THE
MAGNUM ALARM. I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT NEIL
JUST BOUGHT MAGNUMS FOR THE-- >> NO, I JUST--
>> Stephen: ALIENS. >> Stephen: BUT WE-- HOW LONG
ARE WE GONNA BE IN THOSE SPACE SUITS? WE DON'T KNOW. >> OH, I-- OH, YOU COULD BE IN A
SPACE SUIT AND NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE ACCESS. >> Stephen: EXACTLY, BECAUSE--
>> OKAY. >> Stephen: YOU GOT TO GO TRY TO
PEE OUTSIDE ON MARS, WHAT HAPPENS? >> IT'LL FREEZE AND EVAPORATE AT
THE SAME TIME. >> Stephen: THE-- THE PEE WILL? >> YEAH, THE PEE WILL. >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT-- WHAT IT
COMES OUT OF? WHAT'LL HAPPEN TO THAT? WILL THAT JUST SNAP OFF LIKE A
GRAHAM CRACKER? WHAT-- BECAUSE I JUST--
>> YEAH, YOU JUST KEEP IT-- YOU GOT TO KEEP YOUR HANDS ON IT. >> Stephen: I DO MY BEST. I SHOULD GET A MEAT THERMOMETER,
BECAUSE IF WE RUN OUT OF FOOD AND YOU START TO LOOK LIKE A
GIANT TURKEY DRUMSTICK TO ME, WHEN I COOK AND EAT YOU, I DON'T
WANT YOU TO BE RAW. I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT I GOT
TO 160-DEGREES WHEN YOU'RE COOKING YOUR TYSON. OKAY, JUST LIKE A CHICKEN. SCIENTIFICALLY, IS IT A GOOD
IDEA-- SCIENTIFICALLY, IS IT A GOOD IDEA TO BUY EGGS FROM A
DRUGSTORE? >> YOU KNOW WHAT A SPACE SUIT
IS? >> Stephen: A SPACE SUIT? >> YEAH. IT'S AN EGG FOR US. THAT EGG-- THE EGG IS A CASING. >> Stephen: AREN'T WE THE EGG,
AND THE SPACE SUIT IS THE EGG CRATE PROTECTING US? >> NO, WE ARE THE EGG YOLK AND--
>> ALBUMEN. >> SO... >> Stephen: VERY FEW PEOPLE HAVE
EVER FIST BUMPED OVER THE WORD-- >> ALBUMEN. >> OKAY. >> Stephen: THAT'S SCIENCE RIGHT
THERE. I GOT AN IDEA. I WANT TO DO AN EXPERIMENT. HEY, EVERYBODY, IT'S TIME FOR
"STEPHEN AND NEIL DO SCIENCE." TODAY, WE'RE DOING SCIENCE WITH
A DOZEN EGGS. OKAY, MY HYPOTHESIS IS--
>> IT'S THE HYPOTHESIS. EINSTEIN HAD A THEORY. DARWIN HAD A THEORY. STEPHEN HAS A HYPOTHESIS. >> Stephen: WHY DO I NOT GET TO
HAVE A THEORY IF-- IF THEY HAD-- IF THEY HAD THEORIES, WHY CAN'T
I HAVE ONE? >> A THEORY HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED
BY EXPERIMENT. >> Stephen: MY HYPOTHESIS IS... MY HYPOTHESIS IS THAT IT WOULD
BE COOL TO RUN OVER A DOZEN EGGS WITH-- WITH THAT ROVER. >> I AGREE. >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO SCIENCE. LET'S DO SCIENCE. BLAST OFF! WHOO! >> COMPLETELY FLATTENED. >> Stephen: SO OUR CONCLUSION OF
OUR EXPERIMENT-- >> IT IS COOL, CONCLUSION NUMBER
ONE. >> Stephen: THAT'S COOL. >> IT'S COOL. >> Stephen: LOOK AT THESE SEATS,
MAN. YEAH, IT'S ALL INCREDIBLY
IMPRACTICAL. I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY HAD TO
MAKE THE SEATS MADE OUT OF INDIVIDUAL BLACK ROLLS OF TOILET
PAPER, BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW CHAIRS WORK. CHAIRS--
>> WE-- >> Stephen: WORK THE SAME WAY ON
MARS. >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. HOWEVER-- HOWEVER, YOU ONLY
WEIGH 40% OF WHAT YOU WEIGH NOW. >> Stephen: SERIOUSLY? >> YEAH, SO YOU LOOK LIKE 190
POUNDS. MAN, WHAT, 200--
>> Stephen: NO. >> 200 POUNDS? WHAT? >> Stephen: NICELY DONE, YEAH. >> WHAT? YEAH, ABOUT THAT...? OKAY. >> Stephen: WOW, DID YOU WORK AT
A CARNIVAL FOR AWHILE? HOW DID YOU GUESS THAT? >> NO, I-- I USED TO WRESTLE. SO I--
>> Stephen: OH, SO YOU LOOKED AT YOUR--
>> SO-- >> Stephen: OPPONENT? >> SO MY HANDS WERE ON THE
BODIES OF SWEATY MUSCLED MEN MOST OF MY LIFE. >> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU. AND WHY DID YOU LEAVE THAT TO GO
INTO-- GO INTO SCIENCE, AS-- I ASSUME--
>> JUST THE-- >> Stephen: THAT THAT'S GONE
DOWN PRECIPITOUSLY AFTER YOU STOPPED WRESTLING? >> NO, SO YOU KNOW, SO-- SO
LET'S ROUND YOU TO 200 AND MAKE THE MATH EASY. SO ON MARS YOU WOULD WEIGH... ABOUT 80 POUNDS. >> Stephen: REALLY? >> SO THE CHAIR-- YOU KNOW, WE
SIT IN CHAIRS AND WE SAY THEY'RE COMFORTABLE, BECAUSE THEY'RE
SUPPORTING YOUR BUTT CHEEKS AND YOUR-- AND YOUR THING. BUT IF YOU WEIGH MUCH LESS, THEN
THE CHAIR DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AS PRECISE. AND IN FACT, IF YOU WEIGH
NOTHING, THEN YOU DON'T NEED A CHAIR AT ALL. >> Stephen: DID IT BLOW YOUR
MIND? BECAUSE MY MIND-- ROOF OF THIS
THING RIGHT NOW. OKAY, I'M FLOORING IT. >> NOW YOU'RE HITTING FOUR
MILES-AN-HOUR. >> Stephen: OKAY, READY? LET'S DO THE "STAR TREK"-- WE'RE
GOING THROUGH THE-- WE'RE-- >> OH, OH, RIGHT, RIGHT. >> Stephen: WE'RE GO-- RIGHT? >> OKAY, OKAY, RIGHT. >> Stephen: YEAH... >> X-RAY FIELD. >> OH, DUH, OH. DUH. >> YEAH, THAT WAS GOOD. >> Stephen: WELL, HERE WE ARE. I'LL PARK IT. NEIL, ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO DO
SCIENCE WITH YOU. WE SCIENCED THE HELL OUT OF THIS
ROVER. >> WAIT, STEVE, DID WE PARK
LEGALLY? >> Stephen: IF IT GETS BOOTED,
THAT'S NASA'S PROBLEM OKAY? COME AND GET ME ON MARS, COPPER. >> Stephen: THANK YOU NASA AND
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON!
Drive a rover too fast, the rover eats you.
Also Batman's...
... Wait a minute
Coolest looking vehicle ever. Just don't try to run away from aliens chasing you, with it. They'd catch you before the rear door opens.
Have an awesome mars rover- spend half the skit in a grocery store.
Wtf? Still some good Colbert there.
The Magnums had my DYING