Sober for 1 Year - Why I Quit Drinking

with so [Music] it's a different I want to start this video off by just saying this is this is not an easy thing to do this is take it takes a lot to talk about this really personal stuff and just put it out there on the internet like this it's not a normal video I make and it's about to get a about to get real real personal so have mercy on my fuck-ups and my hiccups and if I got to cut the clip I'm gonna try to just go all the way through without editing this video at all because I don't feel like this is the kind of video that is this is just this is real and it's also it's a happy moment I mean I have a year sobriety I actually have a year and 24 days and this video is so hard to make I put it off by almost a month because I almost I almost didn't even want to do it but maybe someone could learn from it or you know get something out of it so I feel that it's necessary to share this and you know this is let's dive right into it I'll talk about the beginning of my drinking career I got drunk for the first time when I was 16 years old like when I actually set out to get drunk and see what alcohol was all about and I didn't know much about alcohol or than things that I've seen you know I see people out front of the bars you know adults and they look if they're having a great time or at parties and stuff and I wanted to know what that felt like so a friend of mine and I went to his brother's house and we proceeded to you know with full purpose to get [ __ ] up and I think we were drinking tequila I'm not 100% sure is this was a long time ago but you know we were just pounding tequila just trying to get as [ __ ] up as possible and we're kind of looking at each other like hey man like I don't feel anything you know do you and we were taking bong loads too and drinking beers and we were just trying as hard as we could to get [ __ ] up and then we did it came on really hard and it hit me and I don't even remember anything it just it was like that and I woke up the next day you know with this random dog in this garage on this dirty-ass couch and the bong was broken and everyone was really pissed off and his brother was superheated that you know whatever we did that night and he can only imagine and now that was my first experience with alcohol and that I was probably a red flag right there or maybe that was normal I'm not really sure but what wasn't normal is what I did a week later you know I was like oh I'm never doing that again I don't like alcohol it's not for me that that was crazy right well a week later I set out to do the same thing again only you know not as intense like maybe a little more controlled this time and you know that that slowly became my thing that became my mo I was 16 I had a car you know its mobile and some friends and I would go on these epic beer runs we were basically just straight-up robbed the Von's we would run in there and one guy would come running out watch bottles and another guy would come running I was 30 blocks and you know we took turns doing that and we had alcohol and you know it was it was a riot no it was that was that was terribly terribly wrong and that was bad news but you know it was about to get even worse and I got to share these kind of these critical details to get to the point of what it's like to be sober for a year because there is definitely you know a momentum to get to the point where it was a serious problem so you know when I turned 18 I got a fake ID from this guy at my work and that was a pivotal moment to I thought I was so [ __ ] cool like I thought I was like the dude from super bad who can get the gold [ __ ] Schlag or whatever it was like I thought out I thought I was the [ __ ] and you know it was pretty bad that was like the beginning of the almost drinking everyday thing where there's always beers always beers around and I thought that everyone thought that I was so [ __ ] cool because of this and you know it that's that's definitely not the case but this is just this is another you know pivotal moment in the mind where I I thought that alcohol made me cool for some reason and you know it it went on and on it proceeded to get worse and worse and I remember on my 21st birthday the first thing I did when I woke up as I went to state herb rose and I had my real ID and I was all fired up feeling like hot [ __ ] that I actually buy out all legally so I bought 230 blocks came back to the pad with 60 beers actually not that far from where I am now I was living in Long Beach at the time and my roommate woke up and yeah we went full-on and those beers and we didn't really do much all day other than just shoot the [ __ ] and crush beers but uh you know who does that who just sits on the 21st birthday just ruthlessly crushing beers and that was me that's what I did and that was kind of some foreshadowing what was about to happen later but you know and then of course that night we went out and all the buddies came and we went big and you know it was your typical 21st birthday where it was just you know it was like the movie The Hangover not really but it was it was your typical 21st birthday and you know I after that I did I started dabbling with hard alcohol and for some reason my vice was vodka I figured out that you know I can drink this and it was giving me the least hungover most of the time it was the cheapest most cost-effective way to get [ __ ] up and yeah I started to perfect the science of drinking and you know will fast forward because it just you know it got worse and worse where I couldn't even go out anymore I just I was under the impression that you know no one can drink like me every time I drank with a with Ana social setting something really bad would happen I was getting a fight I would get you know I would get hurt or I would do something that would just be terribly embarrassing to me or anyone that was around or I'll do something really shady or I yeah it is just really really bad and a lot of people didn't want to drink with me because you know there's there was bound to be some kind of manic mayhem that would you know was gonna go down if they drank you know with me so as our guys isolate and you know after work every single day last couple years the every single day I would get a fit the Smirnoff 80-proof the red one and I would drink a fifth I would just crush a fifth to my dome every single night it became almost kind of habitual and it maybe wasn't even enjoyable it was just kind of something I did it was like it was just a really bad habit and I would shut myself up and my pad and I would just you know I would just start you know devouring this bottle and around this time I I started to notice some changes you know in me and just in how people would interact with me and I ended up you know starting to feel the devastation and you know things were starting to things were starting to become telling of what this life was gonna be like and I met Lexie and I was pretty deep up in this thing when I met her and I kind of I was really good at hiding it a lot of Alcoholics are really good at hiding it I would like strategically take out the trash because I had just you know bottles everywhere and just beers constant beer cans everywhere and they would build up and you know you'd have to you have to purge all the cr-v that you're building up so I will strategically do that and I would hide alcohol in funny places so it didn't look like I was drinking as much as I was and you can only guess what happened Lexie left me and that's one thing that's got really really really bad I lost my job too which I don't I still don't think that was necessarily you know a hundred percent because of the alcohol alcohol drinking definitely was priority number one no nothing surpassed it I just I wanted to get [ __ ] up I had my date with my bottle every single night and you know was that was my thing and so the job I lost that just you know from there was some weird stuff going on but that's not what this video is about and I started to just you know started to crush my bank account you know the funds they were getting diminished and I was just running out of money I was on the verge of losing my pad I wasn't gonna be able to pay rent very shortly I was missing car payments on my suburban at the time and you know it was getting it was getting pretty dire pretty quick and I had these moments where you know I was suicidal too like I I didn't even care if I lived or died it it didn't matter to me I remember this one time it's one time in particular I took a box cutter and I was determined that you know I was like [ __ ] this [ __ ] I I don't even want to live anymore so I took this box cutter and I ran it across my arm and I cut myself and it's you could see it maybe that's right here I didn't go the right way and go the right direction and I bled it was kind of a big mess but it wasn't enough to do any you know serious damage and I you know I burst into tears started crying and it was pretty bad but that wasn't quite my rock bottom yet you know I it was it was gonna get worse and I I did some stuff some funny stuff like this more than once where I'd tried to you know fantasize and plot out my own death and it it was pretty bad and towards the end there the last you know six months or whatever this thing all I did was sleep in my bed wake up take shots go back to sleep and I was you know I would piss myself pretty regularly in some times I would throw up on myself and it it was just it was a sad sad state of affairs it was a poor just terrible quality of living and just just thinking about it just it makes me feel like really weird I can't even imagine that I was putting myself through that and for what just for for this bottle it it makes no sense but it's just how powerful and cunning and just baffling this addiction is is you know it it it's mind-blowing it doesn't make any sense and I think my rock-bottom moment was just in one of these one of these states I was just you know laid up in my pad just completely hammered my dad came over unannounced just and I kind of pushed them away too I pushed all my friends away pretty much I had no romantic relationships at the time going after Lex he left me and it was just it was just me I pushed my family away I didn't want anything to do with anyone just me and my four walls and my bottle and I would I would make sure that I would have enough alcohol to keep me going and I would I would stumble liquor store and I would get more and I would make I would make meals and plan it around around this experience and it was and was bad but so my dad came over and for some reason I was kind of excited you know that to have a visitor and I opened the door and just I don't remember but I'm sure the look on my dad's face was just like oh my god like what the [ __ ] like Nick what what the [ __ ] are you doing because he knew it was bad but I don't think he really knew how bad it was and he brought his friend with him - my dad's buddy Ellie was there and you know they their plan after seeing this was the they kind of quickly devised a planet they were gonna take me to rehab that day and I wasn't having that and I got super pissed and you know but I would have these episodes where I was kind of violent or I wouldn't actually like I wouldn't actually physically do anything violent but I would just you know I get really mouthy and kind of like I would talk a big guy game but I wasn't really about you know actually falling through anything and so you know I kicked him out and that that I think was my rock bottom I just the fact that I would kick out my own father to hang out with a glass bottle of liquid that controlled me and it just it consumed my whole life my life was all about this clear liquid vodka Smirnoff just I still see it at the store sometimes when I like I cruise byuk on my way to the cheese aisle or something and I just look at it and I'm like wow how the [ __ ] is this [ __ ] so powerful it it blows my mind how controlling a liquid can be you know I would do other stuff too like I was smoking weed and you know if I could get a hold of some cocaine I didn't have a solid connect but I would do some blow and you know that was always a recipe for disaster too but uh you know this went on for quite some time and finally you know I had an epiphany I was like did this is not me like I I need to make a change and so I did I went and checked in to Hoag hospital which has a really good rehab program what's their detox facility they take your cell phone and they go through your stuff you don't have to have like a certain amount of things and you know you're basically you kind of like going to jail almost but it's like you know they make it kind of comfortable for you and you're all medicated and they have these pills to keep you from seizuring and they have these pills to kind of get you like feeling all like like I was kind of like high for seven days I was high on these pills and but it was really interesting in this detox facility you know because I was surrounded by people that were like me people that had just reached this this horrible horrible place and just were so desperate to rise above their addictions and there were drug addicts in there and there's one guy and he was almost my roommate they were trying to put him in the same room as me and I can tell it was just like I don't want this do like in my room like it was so slow that we could all have her own room and I don't know what their strategy was by trying to place this together but I was almost kind of scared of this guy he was a heroin addict he was there for heroin but for some reason he was really into alcohol too which is which is not normal usually heroin addicts are kind of their own thing but this guy was just he was consumed any drug under the Sun at any time any quantity and he was almost kind of I was kind of scared of him and so they didn't team us up which was you know kind of cool but then I ended up talking to this guy and we became kind of kind of close and we shared some stories like not in the panel rooms but just kind of outside on the patio and we talked and it was just really interesting and I still talk to him every once in a while I haven't talked to him in like four months or so but you know it's just weird how him we became kind of kind of friends and you know after seven days after this whole thing of being a lab rat or taking blood they're monitoring you you know they're putting you in these forced rooms we talk about stuff and their feet and you just only certain things and it was just it was a weird experience but after that you had the choice to do an inpatient or an outpatient program for 30 days and the majority of people did the inpatient because well it was safer you lived at the hospital and it was almost kind of like it was kind of that show Big Brother almost only you know all these people were drug addicts and and you know alcoholics so it was a weird dynamic and I I did a ballsy thing I chose the outpatient program which meant I got to go home every day which was you know definitely a ballsy move because I could have easily just gone and got some vodka my way home and no one was gonna stop me I was still you know I was free but for some reason I didn't and I think that the biggest reason is I was just curious who I could be sober like I didn't even know who I was I had lost all feelings and I was just I was a robot I was just this numb person walking around just not even really existing and I so desperately wanted to see who I could be sober what kind of things I could achieve and just I was I still am curious what the best version of me looks like so I think beyond anything that that has kept me sober still up to this point so I you know I resisted the urge the biggest urge is when you go to a liquor store they have those little shooters of like 99 bananas or like Jack Daniels or those those little like shooter bottles at the kachoris turn so badly so many times I want to just buy like three or four of those and just crush her in my car and like you know just be done with this sober thing but I didn't and I just kept going and you know it was kind of a pain in the ass I had to go to these meetings and people would cry and you would hear the craziest stories just go to a go to an a a meeting and just listen and you will hear crazy [ __ ] in this rehab facility for those 30 days I heard some crazy stories like a lot of these people had like families and kids and you know the full deal and you would hear stories about some of these people like trying to plot their family's death like they literally chose alcohol over their children over their wives they had they devised these plans now that they were gonna murder their whole family you look at this dude and you're like man this guy over here is just like 50 years old wearing some Sperry top-siders looks like he's got his [ __ ] together wearing some short shorts salmon little shorts and they're like man what it it didn't even seem really like it blew my mind but the same time you know I I had violent thoughts too so it was kind of it went hand in hand and it was definitely necessary to sit in these rooms and listen to these stories and you know at first I thought it was kind of a cult I was like oh man what what is it this cult you you have to have higher power and you'll go around the room and state who you are and your your condition I'm Nick and I'm an alcoholic and round the room you went and yeah I didn't like it at first and I don't know it slowly kind of has grown on me I still don't go to meetings a lot which is not recommended it's working for me but I don't think that would work for everyone just saying and I go I do go to meetings just not like religiously like some people will hit like three meetings a day and I just I don't know how these people have the time for this because I barely have the time to go to you know two or three meetings a month but anyway let's talk about let's change gears and just talk about what it's like being sober you know at first it was weird like everyone was so proud of me and you know you got the the data boy buddy that boy you know and it almost felt kind of fake at first it was like you know why are these people like egging me on like to be to be sober being sober it's a weird thing it's it can be boring at times it can be awkward and you have these painful conversations with people and you can't just get liquored up and wing it you have to have these sober just very dull conversations with people where you're just kind of like squirming in your skin because you don't have the crutch of an alcohol to get through awkward times so that's what it was like at first and then I I I got to this point where it they called the pink cloud effect where you're you're on this cloud and you just everything's kind of happy-go-lucky and you know you think that everything's just so great and oh thank I felt like I had found Jesus but it like you know wasn't like that it was like I just found this pink cloud and it was a kind of a kind of weird thing but that definitely will wear off it wore off about three or four months in I was no longer in that pink cloud and she got real I needed to find a way to make money and I was out of money I was in this new sober sober realm where I had met a lot of people like me but no one was really funding me just cruising around being a sober guy I needed to make money so a guy you've seen these videos Kyle lint he gave me a job that is a good dude that is a good friend right there and I worked his mechanic shop a little bit and you know that was kind of getting me by that was fun I loved that I was those were good times and this was kind of like early on and Kyle and his friendship too were you know it this was huge i Kyle if you're watching this thank you so much man that was I was that was big but you know I yearned for more money another friend hooked me up with this this office demolition job this was construction tearing out drywall and just you know tearing out people's offices in like and then some other crew would come and remodel it to be like you know kind of like a like a trendy office with like polished concrete floors and it doesn't matter this job sucked this was a shitty job waking up at 3 in the morning going in before the tenants would arrive and just demoing offices just trashing the place it sounds fun but it wasn't and it was really hard work and everyone there hated their job and a lot of them would drink on their lunch break and it this was a bad job so I left that and I went kind of just kind of free for a little bit you know I kind of pulled some strings and kind of like you know did some pathetic things asking for money and it was bad I I can't live like that so what I did I mean I I had to I'd have a choice but then after that another friend hooked me up with a the current job I have now which is this video is pretty much about being real gonna be real about the current job I have right now it sucks it's not fun it's it's hard work and it's a lot of hours and you know it's keeping me sober though so I'm very grateful and its construction we do a lot of refinery work but also we just recently have started getting into like the mining aspect like I just got back from a hobby this week for work and I didn't make a video just at work and they got me mostly like most of the time I'm driving a truck I'm delivering materials so I have a lot of time to sit and think and I listen to a lot of podcasts and I listen to people that are more sober than me and it just it helps that definitely helps and another thing I've noticed in in sobriety is I see other people that are like ghosts of my past like the other day I saw a guy at the gas station at the soda fountain and he was doing and he was doing this number trying to you know get some coke Coca Cola and he was just like doing this thing I was like yeah like I used to do that [ __ ] too like I'm like man this guy is having some serious withdrawals right now and I already eat french fries like I had [ __ ] Parkinson's disease I was like because it's just you know another thing I had panic attacks - the last couple years I would just randomly have panic attacks and it would do this I would do this thing where it would just come out of nowhere and I would feel it coming on and I was [ __ ] there's nothing I can do to reverse it the calmest thoughts in the world we're not gonna flip this thing around I was going into a panic attack and I would get all locked up and all my muscles would tighten as tight as they possibly could I would get lockjaw and you know this was scary [ __ ] and it was really scary because it happened a few times while I wasn't driving I was cruising down the freeway and I felt this thing coming on and I could no longer control my car and I would try to pull it over and then for like 15 minutes I would be absolutely like yeah it was just it was really really gnarly and you know I see stuff like this periodically not quite like that these panic attacks I've never seen you want to have anything like this and if you've had a panic attacks like this where one the same because though scary really scary [ __ ] but I see stuff like this and I see people at the liquor store you know counting change trying to buy like a three pack I Modelo tall cans I'm just like wow this guy is [ __ ] really desperate to get drunk right now like this is I see stuff like that and I feel bad but I never say anything because it's just it's not my place it's maybe I should I don't know I I don't I just got key to moving and another thing about sobriety is you don't really realize how many sober people there are like don't get me wrong granted being sober is not normal you know it's normal to you know drink like a normal person which is the obsession but it you realize what a secret society there is of sober people they they come out of the woodwork and you're just like oh and then I'm so done I have 13 years and I'm your neighbor and you're like that's like how does this do you have 13 years like you would never think or like just some random guy you follow on Instagram it's like oh yeah man I got 5 years and you're like this guy's like how's that possible like it doesn't look like it but you know you can't really judge someone because I don't drink there's there are a lot of people that that are sober they it's not even a thing you don't even realize they're sober because I don't know maybe they've been sober so long they're not depending on alcohol and they're not maybe they're not as awkward as me I have some really awkward encounters with people just because maybe you might as mom might not realize this but in real life if you if you know me in person or we've ever hung out or something I'm kind of awkward man especially now in this sober state and you know at nighttime I'm weak I have I have some thoughts at nighttime and I get kind of emotional sometimes and you know that's that's just part of this thing is getting all your feelings back and it you know I'm sure you're thinking like man our killers getting kind of soft over here man this thing's getting kind of fruity and all that but uh no it's it's exciting you know I have like epic highs and epic now and you know somebody will let me in on the freeway and I'll be pumped on I'll bet ya the world is a great place and I'll get all excited and then you know twenty minutes later I'll be PMSing about some text messages I got or something it it's weird how have these these floods of emotions and it's it's exciting it's it's can be uncomfortable but it's cool to just to be able to feel again I'm no longer just this numb corpse going through life being a drunken [ __ ] [ __ ] it's it's it's pretty incredible and you know I know this video is getting pretty long what is it like 20 minutes or something so far I think but I don't care you know if you made it this far in this video you're a saint or maybe you might have a problem and you know you you're gonna try to gain some knowledge off this video me just sharing my experiences and I used to cry a lot too I haven't cried in a little bit but early on in sobriety I would tear up and I would have myself a little cry about maybe stuff that wasn't even that important and you know I might be getting a little too personal here but I don't care you know this is this is real [ __ ] and it's a it's special it it's real it's really special and I'm if I can be a sober person I think anyone can it's just you know and if you don't want to be go back go back and go to the store and pick up your bottle and your beers and you can go back and your misery will be refunded to you someone told me that and it's true you know and I'm not trying to be sober forever because I don't know what's gonna happen even a week from now I I don't know but I know tonight when I hit the my head hits the pillow I'm gonna be a sober person all day and tomorrow I'm gonna try to do the same thing it you know it might be kind of a repetitive cycle and it's kind of an undertaking it's kind of heavy to think too far in advance so I just I learned this in a you try to keep it real simple and I just I go day by day and you know times that I struggle are at night like I said a camping trips I noticed camping trips are rough and I see everyone drinking beers you know I tried to put on this front like I'm strong I'm like a tough guy I guess maybe I'm really not but uh just recently some [ __ ] he knew about my sobriety but he just so desperately wanted to take some Jameson shots with me and I kind of like looked at look at this from afar now and I think about it and this guy probably you know isn't a dark place like secretly behind closed doors and he like wanted to bring me in to this dark evil death that maybe he's struggling with something he's like oh you know this guy's sober if I can drink with him then you know we can be one and just dwell in this pool of [ __ ] that this guy's probably stewing in and you know just thinking thinking this train of thought helped me to just just say no you know and I had to say no many times to this guy it was it was pretty ridiculous but uh you know it's powerful is something powerful about being sober in a crowd there's just there's something I don't even know the word for it that's how that's how powerful it is so you know and you'll figure out who your friends are - it's probably the last thing I'll say here before I wrap this up because it's getting long and if I go on too much talking about this I'm gonna have too many thoughts and you know I might shed a little man tear so I'm going to have to try to wrap this up but you find out who your friends are you had drinking buddies I had drinking buddies they don't hit me up they never call me they're not interested in anything I'm up to they were just purely drinking buddies and yeah you know to those people right now I'm gonna have to say I hope you have a nice life because it's mutual I'm on to being the best version of me possible and I don't want anything to do with anybody that's gonna hold me back from that so anyway next week back to some fun stuff I like making fun videos I like going outside I like doing fun stuff but you know this is something that I just felt like I had to share just because it's just you guys could watch the videos from a year ago and you'll see me drinking Coors Light all day but what you don't see is when I whip out but the hard alcohol at night and you don't see the dark the evil just the bad stuff that that just it really took control of me and yeah I'm gonna in there right here thanks for watching like I said if you've made it this far in this video you I st. because if I watched a video if I even pulled up a video that was like 30 minutes long I usually don't watch it so thanks for watching guys really appreciate it and I'll see you guys next week for a video not an in-depth look at alcoholism we're gonna to go do something fun like normal so yeah hope you guys have a blessed week and I'll link my email down below if you do want to have you know a personal talk about this I'll I'll put aside some time we could talk about this about this disease about addiction it's it's hardcore and I sympathize for anyone that did is handicapped by this see you guys next week [Music] do we

Channel: Captain Gnarkill

Views: 612,673

Rating: 4.9086328 out of 5

Keywords: 1 year sober, 1 year clean and sober, The Story of an Alcoholic, how to be sober, how to be sober for 30 days, quitting drinking, quit drinking, How To Stop Drinking Alcohol, sobriety, addiction, sobriety recovery, being sober, finding sobriety on a mountaintop, thoughts on staying sober, anonymous people, 1 year of sobriety, sober inspirational documentary, one day at a time, recover out loud, no more alcohol, Staying Sober, getting sober, sober up

Id: fKDXh-MHTkc

Length: 33min 59sec (2039 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 09 2018