SmartLess | Tiffany Haddish

everybody smartlist now everybody's smartness now coming in and smartlist with me oh my god he did it oh my god you can just hear radios [Music] so jay when you wash your hands i've heard you refer to it before as boiling them yes sure well but i don't you know i mean if i don't boil them that would kill a lot more than the germs right um i i don't even wash my hands with uh with hot water sure um sure yeah because you don't need to anymore hot water is a it's a a myth right the hot water does not help you with with germs oh is that true i didn't know that no yeah it doesn't mean so i'm gonna just do it in cold water now and also eggs eggs don't give you a cholesterol problem this is true it's also a mix they were on and they were bad now they're back on wait a second we've talked about this before but just not in the same ballpark as the washing of your hand are you just talking about myths in general yeah well you know you're not going to get hair on your palms if you masturbate i mean what are we doing here are we just going through the list i don't know but but you i think you can over electrolyte yourself like you do i think jason talk right now unbelievable with the eating at least i do it when someone else is talking no but you know what after all of this time and the shaming that you've done with me with the eating you know what else look what i'm doing i'm moving my head away from the microphone when i chew another trick you don't except for now you can you can go ahead and keep it you have to get your point across yeah get it you made your point got your bar across while your mouth was full of food no no ugh kind of what a sad sight do we get to our guest for guys i can't i know but last thing can't you over electrolyte can't you over uh i want to hear something something honest i'm honestly right now yeah um here i'm gonna honest with you um i i was uh you know i'm very conscious of my uh of my puff factor on my face yeah yeah i got it we are too we're very aware too and i was noticing i was uh i was holding quite a bit of water and uh i was like [ __ ] i'm not eating salt or sugar because those are my those are my those are the big puffers for me and of course i haven't had a sip of alcohol for 20 years and and so i was like it's got to be these goddamn electrolytes i did a deep dive on the internet to see if electrolytes because it would stand to reason because you're trying to replace salts and sodium i'm like i figured it out right and that that's not it that's oh it's not it what a story so it's just your face it's just it's just my face no because you but you needed to you you you've explained before that your people needed to hold on to water because you're in malta when you're pulling up the fish the fish because sometimes it'll get cold out there in the mediterranean i think it's actually from the other side of my family that that probably grew up in some sort of iceberg somewhere that they had to hold on to you know a lot of fat and water to insulate themselves have you thought about doing a victory lap down in malta just getting and letting the maltese get a look at you we call him the maltese falcon well to say that i'm i'm a countryman and be proud of me yeah do you think no no think oh sorry excuse me that you know what that sound was that was the sound of our mystery guest pushing away from the table in their chair saying that's enough i'm out of here you know this is this is a good time to talk about our mr guest because our guest today our guest today has emerged as a true treasure in this country our guest is a very very funny person our guest is an angelino oh born and raised los angeles our guest came out of it it seemed like was like shot out of a cannon into the comedy scene a few years ago and before you knew it this person was everywhere and the top of every list to make every television program in every movie just like overnight by the way not overnight because we need to have a guest session let's let's let's let's guess on this one i would like to guess amy schumer okay and jason that's a great guess uh mike o'malley another great guest two very funny people this person is an incredibly funny person who first came to prominence on the carmichael show oh that was the breakthrough this person is a stand-up comedian this person then published won a uh uh um won an uh emmy award for her hosting of saturday night live uh she published a memoir called the last black unicorn she starts in a tv series called the last og she she executive producers and voices and birdie on uh took and birdie on netflix adult swim uh she won a grammy award for best comedy album uh for her album black mitzvah and she only the making the second african-american woman to win this prize after whoopi goldberg this person is none other than one of my favorite co-stars from lego movie two tiffany haddish i had it you should have let me guess [ __ ] tiffany hello fellas how are you today wow wow listener we've got a blonde tiffany haddish wow it's a hard hat honey i'm here for work is it for is it for work it's for work and what what is the part working with you i'm appropriating a white culture i'm playing please do i got something y'all the smartest and funniest that's the only reason i showed up cause i'm gonna tell you right now i was like it's too early i did my only day off it's my only day off i gotta go what are you working on right now success and prosperity okay so but but uh there it is abundance and generational wealth that's what i'm working on oh yeah uh but but you know as i ask what are you working on you really do have always 18 000 projects going on like you work so hard all the time well i do go i do get away one week out of the month i'll go like to like panama or to somewhere i'm loving panama right now do you go to panama she likes watching the ships go by i'm going there i want to start a farm i want to own a farm in panama and yeah i want to grow pineapples i want to grow coconuts i want to grow jackfruit and soursop what's soursop it's the best freaking fruit you ever had in your life full of all the nutrients and everything you need it's a tropical fruit it looks like what's it called a dragon's egg oh oh right it fills you up with all the nutrients and everything that you need for the day what's it called soursop and it has properties that heal cancer that cure like i i i'm gonna say cure i'm like because i don't want i don't want to get murdered by the directions like antioxidants they'll push it off everything you need it has everything you need to make your body heal itself though wow really good on blood pressure you know black people in their blood pressure is something crazy and that soursop really regulates it the world we live in right now people are going to take this clip of you saying that they're going to be like tiffany haddish claims to cure cancer with this and then it's just going to let's hope let's open it let's go let's come let's uh now do you have wanderlust are you are you good about flying around the world and exploring new places that's something i'd like to get better at i'm working on it i'm working on it yeah i'm working on like explain i got my when the first time i went to panama my mind was blown because i knew that there was like some spanish people that were dark skinned that speaks spanish right right but um because i live in l.a right but i didn't realize that there were people that looked like there straight off of the continent of africa right right mixed with nothing but just straight up african that speak spanish the way they do in that like just celebrate life the way they do and it's just like it's so relaxing and the oh my god it's where the pacific and the atlantic ocean meet yeah yeah yeah and there's no there's no military there right because it's a it's a sanction something because all the goods from like all the ships all over the world go through the panama canal right yeah which were originally they were going to build it through nicaragua and then they started that project and they banned it and they they did panama true story right in which a lot of islanders a lot of haitians and jamaicans and africans built that sure canal that was a pretty audacious idea right well let's just carve let's just cut this whole area right here and we'll connect i've always thought i'd like to do banking in panama oh yeah yeah like i'm gonna do it i'm gonna open up a bank yeah that's all that's like federal there is a lot of money laundering happening down in panama i guess that's what i'm saying and what i'm saying is they got us dollars down there they do they deal in all u.s dollars i'd love to get in some money laundering i'm just going to look forward to dry cleaning money but i will make sure it's clean yeah just call marty bird he'll take care of it for you have you ever seen jason's show the the ozarks there have you ever seen it yes i freaking love that show me and my man sit up and watch it and we ready for the next season i know it's great and your man if you've been living under a rock your man is common that's his name i like him what a nice man of him i was in a movie with him i was in um um um oh boy now i'm blanking on it uh oh my god we were pillow talking about it i don't remember what the name was but he said that you were awesome to work with he's a cool guy i met him once up in uh in canada smoking aces smoking aces yeah that's right so bad nowadays he's very cool he's such a talented dude he's a great actor and a nice nice nice man actor i've never met him i would kill to meet him i'm a huge fan of both of you um how long have you guys been together it's been a year once you wake his ass up and drag him into the frame well no i he's at his house and i'm at my house all right i just went to sleep at his house and then i came to my this is where i worked my house i do the other stuff at his house i got you all right now what are you guys going to do later on today what type of stuff do you guys like to do on the weekends what's what's uh what what what's day plans look like for i think he's going into the studio i'm gonna go do a comedy show on a rooftop off of wilshire boulevard at about two o'clock and then well i'm gonna go there one in this show and i go on at 2 30. and then so i'm gonna get a little litty and eat good and then do my show and then i'm going to go from there and i'm going to go to the jungle cruise premiere wow oh awesome i want to so it's kind of a work day for you you don't mind your weekends being a work day no i feel like this is an opportunity day this is a day to talk to people that i really want to work with um like all three of you are guys that i really would like to work with will i already work with you so whatever but everybody else wasn't that great yeah likewise yeah tiff did you did you grow up in l.a your whole life yeah yeah yeah and always loved it never wanted to live somewhere else for a little bit um i used to go to atlanta to visit my friend in school and i wanted to live there for a little bit yeah and then um i realized i don't want to live here [Laughter] because no thank you no yeah would you tell me because i spent a lot of time in atlanta you tell me because i mean i mean i love it here in la but if i had to work somewhere else atlanta is just great people great crews incredible restaurant blah blah blah blah what is it about that city for you that was like yeah la would be better the men are crazy are they the men are not necessarily um i'm used to l.a dudes that's like you know they they like get at you and then they realize you're not the one and they just disappear but in atlanta they're kind of stalkerish oh they'll just straight up follow you and they they are very aggressive they grabbing ass they're grabbing your arms like it's just just no and you'd rather know where you [ __ ] hunt like you're not on an actual hunt like you can't communicate with me use your words to catch me you don't gotta actually grab me you know what i'm saying like don't get your [ __ ] hands on me and i'm a fighter so like you grab me i got ptsd too if you just snatch me up right i'm gonna first assess the situation are they shooting no oh you just grabbing me bow bow i'll start fighting i would catch a case right let's go around the room here we'll start with you tiffany when's the last time you actually threw a punch and it landed on someone actually last time i threw a punch and it landed on someone cause the last time i threw a punch it missed but when i did night school i i i punched uh kevin i didn't mean to but i did okay that counts so that was like three years ago well last time you threw a punch the last time fourth grade no i was 21 i got in a fight in a bar in new york remember whether you won or lost i won good friend the only i think i think it was the only time i ever won you lose a lot of it was my last one i went out to win did you get any fights when you're playing hockey like throwing off the doors no no i was a little kid no no i wasn't like that when i was a little kid but i did one time i was doing a scene and i was supposed to i was supposed to miss the guy by a lot and i was like kind of had him down and my elbow caught him you threw a hat-ish and uh yeah i threw a haddish and i and i caught him pretty good and i i kind of like looked down like oh [ __ ] but we just kept rolling and uh god bless this guy he kept going with this stunt guy he took it and then uh and then cut and immediately i ran back i'm like jesus christ i'm sorry did they end up using that take no they cut the whole scene no they cut the whole scene i felt bad for him because he caught my elbow sean when's the last time he threw a punch and scotty doesn't count um uh i haven't thrown a punch ever i drank some punch for breakfast this morning oh god that doesn't oh my god no but when i was doing three stooges i had to throw i had to hit this guy with a uh uh like a shovel thing and it was made of rubber of course but at the top of it was metal and it hit him right smack dab in the middle of the forehead and he had blood open yeah he cut his head over third eye you busted his third eye yeah his third eye yeah the only the only punches that you guys have thrown that have all been set set stories hollywood stories from acting we're pathetic well do you want me to call out the real stories the real fights i had yeah me and my sister we got a we had a squabble about six sisters can go huh yeah and then i definitely punched my brother in the chat now when you fight a girl are you allowed to grab the hair yeah oh cause i feel like that's a little unfair no it's not okay everything it's a fight it's about whooping ass yeah so snatch that hair you snatch your hair and you bounce back hold the head with one hand the equivalent for a guy is grabbing the shirt you know and so you can get you get a guy down on the ground i once uh i was uh best friends with the guy for a couple of years um so i thought i knew him pretty well and then we were at a bar and he got into it with some guy and the guy said let's go outside and go my buddy said great fine so we all followed him outside and my buddy uh walks out there and first thing he does he pulls off his shirt and he says okay let's go and i was like what the [ __ ] what what's that move taking off your shirt and i realized you take off your shirt so the guy can't grab you and and and and get an unfair advantage i was like jesus christ that's that's strong next time i get in a fight i'm taking off my shirt i'll be like let's go [ __ ] yeah that's strong like it's not earrings fingernails it's shirt comes off yeah that would be like my wig off yeah i'm not [ __ ] with her you hoes don't know what you're messing with yeah let me take your straw because you ain't [ __ ] that up uh-huh jason jason do you think you'd ever be mad enough to take your wig off no no no no no i didn't oh wait i take my wig off for swim team that's it let me so so tiffany talking about all that sort of stuff i mean you you don't fight anymore that much i don't imagine but uh cause i mean i would fight if i had to if somebody hit me first they better knock me the [ __ ] out because i'm all the rage all the angry black woman's gonna come out all the anger from all the years all the all the nose is gonna rise up from my ovaries and shoot at them i'm gonna turn into one of them more mortal kombat characters but i can't fight no more because they say they gonna sue you people will sue you for whatever and it's like whatever their hands on me first and i'm afraid for my life so now instead of fighting you laugh this is kind of what i'm getting to which is like i use my words you use your words and you came up you you're from los angeles you grew up in south central what was that leap how do you become a huge superstar that you are today what's that first step to getting into comedy from from where you grew up because that's a big leap right um yeah so usually it's well first step is well like i watch this movie who framed roger rabbit and there's the scene in a movie where the detective says to the rabbit why are all these people doing these nice things for you he said because i make them laugh eddie if you make people laugh they'll do anything for you so i was like that's how i'm going to get help with my homework that's how i'm gonna get people to do things for me so i was just the silliest and funniest kid in school and i was already very shy so i was like forcing this to be funny were you really silly yes i'm i was very shy as a little girl because there was a lot going on in my world so but when i came into school i walk in like okay yeah this is the funny thing that's going to happen i mean i would plot and scheme the funny things i would do and say the night before the things i would wear and all of this so that's so cute i could be funny yeah and i could get people to let me copy their homework let me cheat off their tests get them to read things to me now memorize it like i was very uh manipulative where'd you get your sense of humor from is it one of your parents or a sibling or watching tv or movies my mom was pretty funny she was always telling stories and stuff my grandma was hilarious yeah um and i feel like i got i feel like tv gave me everything you know tv and i would always try to copy different characters on tv like i would watch bonanza right like that was one of my shows bonanza and that's not necessarily a funny show and like little house on the prairie but i was like okay i'm gonna use this because when i started going to these schools i had white kids in it i'm like i gotta use this this is their history so i gotta use tiffany i wear like a bonnet you know a bonnet like for um like nelly that you tie around hello hello hey hi man help you call me laura ingalls like you can make a laugh 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the post office again and fade out music [Music] and now back to the show jason was on little house in the prairie when he was a kid true story i know so you're actually telling his sister but i love also that you that you you're you're like oh all the white kids their existence is they all grew up in like you know like the 1800s here goes my thing i thought all white people lived in tv i thought everybody white that i saw comes from some tv show some program and so that's all i saw right and then i'm in a community where it's just black and some hispanic right when the police would come i thought they were all from chips i'm like oh man can i get your autograph right right i used to watch chips they all had the freaking mustaches and a miami vice do detective come to the house looking for my auntie because oh some dope [ __ ] and i'm like can i have your autograph man was there a was there a black actor or a black show that inspired you when you when when that broke and you were like oh my god that's not just tv there are black people in the world too yeah well martin was on tv you know that [ __ ] was funny um a family matter family matters what was the character that martin played uh the the woman across the shanaynay shane oh yes your name is funny so funny my aunt my aunt i just had lunch with martin the other day i was like that was so crazy because i used to like watch every single show every single movie so funny and now i'm pitching movie ideas to him for us to work together and he wants to work with me what oh like that was great mind-blowing by the way of course he wants to work with you what i used to say when i was a kid i used to sit and watch martin and be like one day i'm gonna work with him i don't know how i'm gonna work with him i don't know why he would work with me but i'm gonna work with him in some kind of way but you know what that's how it works as you know it's like you kind of just it is that kind of like that dreaming about it and that thinking about like making it happen and just going like i want this to work out i mean it's not that easy but you know what i mean and was the was the attention you got from being funny did that motivate you to want to be an actor no what motivated me to want to be an actor is this boy he was in drama we was going to this predominantly white school was three percent black and he was the only black boy in drama and i was like oh if i get in drama then we gonna have to kiss they're gonna have to put us together so i got in drama and turns out i was really good at it right um and did you get to kiss him no cause my damn teacher was all liberal and open-minded she believed in interracial couples so i never got to kiss her i was so mad at her like you got stuck with the white guys but where's where is the racism not working for me today oh she made me sick but uh then we went into high school and i followed him into drama in high school like basically any classes he was doing or whatever he was trying to do that's what i was trying to do and he thought i was just like this silly girl that was always trying to make him laugh but i would save up money and buy him candy grams and i make sure he's like the candy grams usually just have blood pops but i knew he liked snickers so i made sure there was a snicker in his candy grandma i was on it and i would try to write him notes but i spell really bad i was like the worst speller the worst reader so i'll write him these notes and it would be all misspelled the only thing spelled right is my name what what happened to this guy do you know where he is now so he uh ended up playing for the um the washington redskins uh but i guess they're called something else now the washington football team now yeah yeah washington football team ended up playing for them and um went to college and all that stuff and um now he does realistic commercial real estate he works for some big commercial real estate company and he has like five kids are you guys still in touch um he came to my my comedy show at the staples center um and i wrote about him in my book and he showed up with his wife and he had and in my book i talk about like i gave him so much candy he probably doesn't have any teeth anymore and i hadn't seen him in over 20 years he shows up to my comedy show and he has like all brand new teeth like hollywood teeth that's my fault that's hilarious but the thing that i loved about him the most is that his laugh his life was like the best laugh in the whole wide world like i just loved his life and that's why i wanted to be around him all the time and i used to do whatever it took to make him laugh i would do it like because his laugh just when you were doing your show could you hear him in the audience laughing no it was over seven thousand people that came in hey come on jason how many what do you think she's doing a show for five people well i did maybe gave him a good seat you know where he was actually up front no he was over seven thousand people there's seven thousand people sh you're talking to tiffany haddish you [ __ ] yeah he did come backstage and it was like a high school reunion everybody i went to school with they had flew into town and everything because tiffany had just at the stables this is huge and so he came backstage and we had like a party uh back there and like so all these people went to school was there and he was there and i was giving him all the attention and his wife too but i just wanted to hear him laugh and i heard like his laugh made me feel like a little girl again it made me feel so oh that's so great i love that i wanted to record as i was i was like can you laugh into this recorder he's like what never mind but i do like that idea of you guys probably remember too there are certain people in your life uh especially or maybe in your family who you like the way it made you feel when they laugh specifically them like the sound of their laugh or the way they left did you guys have people like that in your life sean or jason i did yeah i mean my sisters laugh tracy that's tracy my sister but wait tiffany did you i see i think that says a lot about somebody who keeps in touch with all of those people that you went to high school with and you're still friends with them and that's so great they must just root for my best friend from junior high she's got my one of my favorite lives too selena we've been best friends all these years since we were 12. so how about that they all freak out where you are right now like in life no they like they knew it was gonna happen at some point they knew i was gonna do something it was like either you're gonna go to jail and you're gonna be famous as [ __ ] you're gonna be something so you're still so connected to where you're from i in fact aren't you opening a or did you open a supermarket back in in the community i'm in the process of opening a grocery store if you guys want to be on the board you are more than so cool that's really cool yeah tell me tell me about that i just heard about that from our mutual friend who told me that you're doing that yes which is so great so i'm opening the groceries because they're shutting down like i still live in south central los angeles and you know the the the area is transforming it's definitely of course changing this is part of why i have the blonde hair and i want to fit into my community um but they've shut down like three grocery stores around here which is really not good and they're not there's no plans of implementing or putting in because of business because poor business no because they don't want to pay five dollars more right right right they need to pay their employees five dollars more because they're essential workers or whatever and they don't want to do it so they're just shutting down the stores also you know like we were supposed to have a trader joe's over here that when i bought my house and they were saying oh the trader joe's is going to open up over here and they didn't open a trader joe's and then you know in my research of trying to open or in the process of me opening this store i found out that trader joe's only um puts themselves in communities that have a high college graduate demographic wow so in south central la it might not be a lot of college graduates but there are a lot of business owners and people that work with their hands and you know service people but they don't want to put a trader joe's in this area so that made me really upset then the whole thing with everything that was going on with the injustices and the marching in the protest and i heard the police say we're here to serve the owners we're here to protect the owners like that's what we're supposed to do protect the owners and so that made me really infuriated right then i started reading all these books and i'm reading the color of money and how the other half banks and i'm seeing all the things that have happened and how and i started doing my research even more and i'm seeing how in a black community the dollar only circulates for six hours but in every other community in pretty much every community besides a black community the dollar circulates for at least 18 hours to to 12 days in the asian community 12 to 13 days i'm an idiot what do you what does that mean circulates circulate means like okay so me going to get my hair done and then going to the gas station and then going to the grocery store and then going to like you know buy clothing and do activities like once i go get my hair done that's it there's nothing else that's owned by a black person there's not a lot of places to circulate that money right now not a lot of black it's not a lot of places to circulate that's wild so like i don't know if you notice this if you go to koreatown there's korean everything there's a korean grocery store there's korean bank there's korean you know clothing store korean carpenters korean it's korean everything when you go to a mexican part of town there's a mexican grocery store it's on every corner little grocery stores big grocery stores like mexican this must connect right even banks when you go to a black community what do you see liquor stores run by asians you see a lot of churches you know and once i get my my tithes over to the church that's pretty much it mm-hmm you know right right you see hair salons once i get my hair cut or hair done that's it so how are we supposed to maintain generational wealth how are we supposed to keep people from going to jail committing crimes if there's no opportunity something else i'm just remembering i saw you somewhere speak about this i'm going to get it wrong so please correct me you really said the importance about really uh uh thinking about how to uh reach the goal of owning something i thought that was so great right so that's why i'm opening this grocery store because i feel like what kind of business holds thousands of businesses in one place grocery stores there's a million there's a hundred thousand companies in a grocery store right yeah so if i make sure that 75 of those products in that grocery store come from black vendors black farmers which i don't know if you know the disparity that's happening with black farmers when we used to be the main farmers and now we're getting pushed out of farming and so anyways i want to create a place for that synergy to happen right and then not just it can be a mixture of things because i know there's not there's not enough black owned businesses to fill up the grocery store but have that be a priority and then it's not really a grocery store it's more of a community center because i want there to be cooking classes because they took home economics out of school which i think is to destroy the families yeah right i think that was to destroy the family structure because if you can't feed your family if you can't maintain the bills and all this stuff that that's what home economics teaches you how to do then you the family falls apart when the family falls apart the community falls apart the community falls apart people are getting shot and killed okay there's crime happening right right because family is the root of everything so i want to teach financial literacy as well so once you have people that know how to understand money and how it works and you have people that are eating better which is going to help with the mental health right and they're able to cook for themselves and a sense of pride right then they'll be stronger when they're stronger their family is stronger when the family is stronger the community is stronger and less need for violence that's this is fantastic yeah how do i i want to get involved in that you're more than welcome to come you got my number sean i do girl you got my number call me i'll put you on my count me and will in as well you know someone we just had someone on the show lebron james who's very very involved with with with community and family and all that stuff too um i bet you he'd he'd lend a helping hand as well especially in los angeles well i'm definitely my next step is to reach out to a lot of the athletes but like um kevin's on my board little real hollery's on my board a jade of pinky smith snoop like we we got people from the community but i need i need your help too listen uh listen count us anything i can do it count all three of us in this tiffany you're incredible i love yeah it's some motive you're such a self-starter and there's nothing holds you back you you're just like this is a problem let's go to the root of the problem let's do it and i think you i feel like you're like that in every aspect of your life like you make [ __ ] happen i'm a visionary i'm a visionary and then i try to pull the people together to help me make this thing happen i love it i've been sitting with city council like sitting with the uh the the uh city council members been sitting with the city supervisors and i've come up with like two locations that i think are great i gotta figure out how much it's gonna cost that's the part like i said i saved up all this money literally because the government be trying to take all your money right so i figured out a way to put the money to the side for the community so like and it's like tax-free and it's for the community this is where panama comes in this is panama this is all panama have you considered monte carlo in the cayman islands it's just in a big duffel bag i've been to the cayman islands not interested haven't been to monte carlo but i will check it out monaco is incredible for being so what what is what does your vision look like for uh ten years from now because uh your your your ascension has been uh incredible i even have a whole i have a whole book okay this is how hard i've been working on it that i have a whole what's that for the whole what it would be for the co-op yes or the co-op for the grocery store so then what's what's the ratio that you would love to see between your philanthropy and your career and your life with common and all kinds of things like is there do you do are you the kind of person that has a firm vision of what the next year five ten years looks like and that's what guides you yeah i have a plan i have a plan but i don't know but it's god's plan right i have an idea of what i want but whatever god has in store that's what's gonna happen right but i have it all written out like um you know i in my mind i'm gonna open the grocery store up in two to three years it'll open i have discovery plus following me around um recording all of it because you know in my community a lot of people like why don't oprah come back and open up a bank why don't they why don't these people get all famous and they don't do anything in the community and it's like it's really difficult if you don't have the proper help if you're not willing to like talk to your friends and ask for help and be like who do you know that can help me get this to like if you're not willing to do that put yourself out there like that it's very difficult to do so i've been putting myself out there and trying so in my mind the store opened in two years maybe three and then i'll open them up all over the country and in 10 years they'll be in every underserved community all over that's right and then people will have more home ownership america will be great america will be great again because they'll be more secure people mentally physically and financially yeah i love that look at you go are you in common going to get married or are you going to remain just common law partners she's there i have no idea well first of all we not necessarily common law because we don't live in the same house that's true you pointed out i would love for him to always be my friend um if if he decides he wants to marry me who he gonna have to i don't want a ring i want an apartment building sure you know how they like present you with a ring i want him to present me with the deed to a duplex or a 36 plex you know yeah presenting with an apartment building because then does he know this yes he's aware he said i'm crazy for that i said no i'm not crazy i'm smart because marriage is a union of two businesses and the whole point of coming together is to grow yourselves but also grow a family and make sure they have something to inherit so they can this ring you they can inherit the ring but that ain't what's that two thousand three thousand maybe ten thousand dollars you know that what is that but if you get an apartment building that will increase in value the children will always be able to go to school we'll always have some if we get sick or something we'll have something to cash out and be able to take care of ourselves like there'll be something there for god bless you that i want that's what i that's great i love you come at me with a deed baby don't come at me with a ring yeah put a deed on it yeah cause if you're trying to buy my life and change my last name to your last name yeah oh his name's so common a ring ain't gonna do it we can get the ring after you get the building well you're lucky he doesn't have a last name i mean that's the good part he doesn't have a last name oh he does he does i know it's o-n no it's lynn and we will be right back hey guess what this podcast is sponsored by better help is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals huh is there better help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who can start communicating with you in just under 48 hours this is not a crisis line it's not self-help it's professional therapy done securely online and it's available for clients worldwide you can log into your account anytime send a message to your therapist you get a timely and thoughtful response plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions betterhelp is 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carmax the way it should be all right back to the show you seem to have it all figured out so you i don't have it all figured out i'm just no you got a lot of figured out you do having a plan is 75 of the way there so you and kevin have known each other kevin hart i've known kevin for a long time too uh for 20 years or something uh i met him he was doing a pilot with with my ex-wife years ago he's such a good guy yeah such a great dude uh how how big of a part did kevin play in your life when you were starting out well when the first beginnings like i started in 97 so in the first beginnings not much but me and kevin we met like 2004-2005 and he's been like a big brother to me ever since um giving me great advice guidance um when i was homeless he gave me a few hundred dollars to get a place to stay oh yeah stay in it get a hotel for a weekend let's when were you homeless walk us through that three different times uh the first time is when i was emancipated from foster care i was homeless the next time is when um when me and my etsy were sharing an apartment and then uh we basically got evicted because they were selling the apartment and there was no money they you know how when they ask you to leave they give you like your deposit back and all that right well they were taking forever to give that back so my auntie moved in with her dude i moved into my car i got into my car wow and so i was like sitting in front of it was crazy because i was like sitting in front of department children's services office because i found out they had an independent living program for um emancipated foster youth and so um in the independent living program they teach you how to pay your bills how to pay rent how to you know upside fill out applications how to apply for jobs and all this stuff and already had a job i just didn't have a place to stay so um i was getting on these social records nerves too with two weeks i was in the office every day washing my ass sitting in a lobby go to work come back sit sleep in front of their building in my car and then finally they gave me an apartment and um things worked out great but then um i was emancipated from that you know that you could only be there for so long and they gave me my money to move uh but they didn't just didn't just didn't panned out it didn't pay my credit wasn't good enough a lot of things wasn't good i didn't understand the power of credit i didn't unders it was a lot of things i didn't i didn't know because i didn't have a mother or a father or anybody teach me about like certain things so it was a very difficult right yeah it's incredible the way that you figured everything out and you put you put everything in front of you and you knocked it down uh it's it's just it's really stunning i mean good we're gonna do these comedy shows i would go do these comedy shows um at the live factory and that's where i would get to eat right and that's where i get to be around people and um i would just i was just trying to be as happy as possible right just as much joy as possible and um it was so crazy because kevin like i had all my stuff in the car and kevin pulled up uh behind me one day and i always show up like 10-15 minutes late like i'll be down the street but i'm awake so nobody could see all the [ __ ] in my car kevin pulled up behind me he saw all this he was like what's going on with you and i was like uh nothing nothing he was like what's all that in your car i'm just in between places i'm moving right now and at this point i'm sleeping in front of like these houses in beverly hills you know uh just getting like washing at my job like just you know trying to and always make sure my hair was done and my nails were done because i figured if my hair and nails are always done nobody will know you know and just i keep baby wipes always smell good like nobody will know uh but men but kevin figured it out had a conversation with me he was like write out a list of goals he's like i want you to get here's a few hundred dollars write out a list to go start doing one thing every day towards that goal you can do at least one thing every day towards the goal you'll accomplish it i talk to i go to um i have a scholarship set up in my alma mater illinois state university and when i go down there and talk to the kids it's the first thing i say i always talk about writing out your goals and and exactly everything you're saying it's so true that's the first step you got to see it if you see it yeah it becomes infectious wow tiffany that's just so incredible though like you you go from this thing and and talking about you know even just now where you're talking about obviously it's very emotional about being in that place where i mean real struggle really real struggle and it and then your day and then what you're going to do is you're going at night and you're making you're making people laugh out of your own struggle the flip of it is you're going making people laugh there's there's something sort of so bigger than all of us in that there's something really really powerful about that that you were able to go and do that because i know for me i i i would feel such a sense of give up like [ __ ] i i i wouldn't be able to do it and and to hear how not only you're able to get it but that was my drug it's still my drug it's the laughter is my drug yeah like i get that i mean yeah i needed it to even be able to sleep to even be able to feel okay about like anything what was the one moment though through all of that and all of that pain and that struggle what was that one what was the first glimmer of light what was the first moment you were like yeah wait a minute i think this might be the gate out of here kevin caring somebody actually caring and like trying to help then paul mooney found out and paul mooney's like oh i heard you was homeless you needed you need to get your you need a place to stay my sister she got kids she need a nanny you could go stay over there and take care of kids i'm like i'd much rather be homeless to be a nanny but no wonder you're so focused on on giving back and um providing uh some some hope and some guidance and some advice to uh to folks that might be right where you were x number of years ago and just just even just letting them know that it's possible and here was my path um good for you so inspiring it's so inspiring i mean it's a long ass road a long journey but jason you you you wouldn't have been able to go live in your car jason right because the porsche is so small in those days like that you would i can't but i had a geo metro bro i was in a two-door hatchback geo metro no you can live in anything if you want to live my god it's so inspiring it makes me it is inspiring it is incredible you are you're such a force i i will say again when we first got to know each other when we and tiff you don't have kids though do you want kids uh i don't have any kids i do want to adopt um i don't know if i i don't know if i'm even physically capable of actually giving birth that's so you know that's all god but definitely i want to adopt because i wish somebody would have adopted me and taught me all right like a better way you know so i want to do that for somebody else everything i wish would have happened for me is what i'm trying to give to others you know that's what i'm trying to do for somebody that's so that's just but it's there's that's such a basic sort of um you know some people we all sort of grow up with a certain level of uh you know pluses and minuses and all of our situation and every kid has a choice to whether whether we're gonna take and and learn from it or sort of spend their life you know everyone's going to pay pay the bill now you know but taking it and sort of seeing well this is the opposite of what i want and i'm going to do the positive side of it the different side of it it's just such a generous and uh a lovely way to to to approach life such a healthier perspective i literally just wrote down what you said who me no not me no what tiffany just said everything i wish happened to me is what i want to give back to others i love that yeah would you rather uh your entire year be spent uh on stage doing stand-up or do you love being on sets and that whole process because it's it's a wildly different thing stage on stage much more fun on stage because it's immediate gratification right immediately yeah unless it's like a super dope ass crew like if the crew is really dope and we like have a really great time together which like that was girls trip like we would have so much fun together and they'd be like cut and we're all laughing you just did that like like if it's that thing then great but on stage is well you're now in a position to any set that you're on you can control the or certainly influence the uh the the vibe the atmosphere the um the the harmony on that set you can set an example and and basically say let's not all take ourselves seriously and let's have fun yeah and we always have fun and no matter what set i'm on we have a good time i always have a good time um even if i'm like feeling sick or something i'll be like everybody i'm i don't feel the best today so i might be a little bit out of character but just work with me but i feel like i'm turning into the devil himself okay but we're going to work with it in action one day we were doing press and you were really sick remember you were really sick we went over to england and you were you were so tired she wouldn't take a day off you were like doing shows and you're doing the thing and then you flew to england you were like sick and but you could not tell once they were rolling you're like you were in it in action yeah wait tip you have a show tonight this afternoon this afternoon i said oh my god i want to see you do one of those big huge venue shows uh because i feel like that used to happen a lot more when i was a little kid like you know the uh the george carlin's or the richard pryors or eddie murphy's or those big shows robin williams do them right do we have many of those anymore i mean i guess we do right netflix does tons of those yeah yeah yeah you should look on the internet dude i do tons of them like i go on tour and it's like just theaters i'll do theaters like you know four thousand five thousand seat theaters and do you walk around each day with like a little pad of paper in your back pocket and when you see or think of something funny you jot it down or can you is your mind can you just like remember that voice i voice record i first record it yeah um on my phone and then i also like if somebody ever got a hold of my phone and listened to all my voice memos they would be like what the [ __ ] was she thinking like i would kill the heroes i would love to hear that like it's some crazy stuff and then what's your process after that i'll call my friends and talk about it oh so you'll talk to your friends about it but then will you write it down and actually try to structure it in some sort of like how much do you rely on kind of the written word or will you just kind of freestyle it and just kind of have a concept if i feel like it's a big concept a big idea i will sit down in my notebook and i'll write it down usually right before i go to bed i'll listen to all the voice memos that i've done and i'll write down the biggest ideas right and the biggest ideas i'll like put little like like a like remember how in school you used to do the uh the thought bubble and then all the little bubbles all around right so um and i'll do that like little bubbles all around like little punch lines potential funny things how do you how would i tell this as a story and then i let it go and i stick it under my pillow and i go to sleep right and um i imagine it's happening in my brain as i'm sleeping i love that is that is that a process that someone taught you or is it you created your your own way to do do with that i've been kind of just doing that in comedy camp when i went to the live factory comedy camp they would teach us like if you have a punchline the thing that's funny you write that down and then you write it out as a story then write it out as a story and how do you get to that punchline um but always go with the stories like the stories are the best things the best the best comedians tell a story and it's filled up with punches right so uh and your laughs per minute you want you know you want to depends on you as a person do you want 30 laps per minute you want so like every two seconds somebody's laughing or do you want uh you know 5 or 10 or 15 laps per minute it depends on the the design of the story though right right like how do you want it and how physical is the comic then i start watching a lot of like jerry lewis and charlie chaplin and all these and because they were resonating all over the world well how do you resonate all over the world if you don't speak the languages of all over the world you got to use your instrument you got to use your body you got to have and you're in the tone of your voice and the way that you talk and the way you squint your face is like people understand that no matter what yeah no matter what they speak they feel they know energy right so make sure your energy's on and you can like and learning how to gauge that with the words you seem to have sean do you think you'll ever get above zero laughs per minute no i'm i'm look if i get one if i get one that'd be so good right if you got one i go for one every like four or five hours yeah uh you're crushing it but tiffany you seem to have like endless bountiful energy yeah and and positivity and uh oh no i'm an [ __ ] first thing in the morning but who is it a piece of [ __ ] after my cold shower i mean do you have do you have energy you have energy like this all day every day no well when i'm at home and i'm not um working i'm alone i'm very quiet very like reserved um even like when i'm with my man i'm very quiet he has to talk you talk to me and then i'll talk back like i'm very like when i'm not at work would you say you're an introvert because i know i am no no because if i see something that i'm into i'm gonna i light up right um but most of the time i'm on like i'm trying to keep maintaining my energy so yeah i'm quiet a lot of the times until you talk to me yeah yeah yeah right right but introverted no cause maybe when i was younger yes yeah because i was scared a lot of the times too um fear make you i feel like fear makes you like uh it's just risky you know right but it feels like you flipped all that fear like you you used yeah i learned how to control fear yeah i like yeah you use the fear like fear is necessary it's a tool god gave it to us for a reason we'll use it right and i use it yeah but that's also why i don't do scary movies because i know that that [ __ ] that fear feels real and then i'm gonna take that home and then yeah yeah [ __ ] [Laughter] i love a good drama cause i'm about that drama but scary demons and [ __ ] i want to quickly just uh tiffany ask you about your new movie uh tell us talk to us a little bit about your well talk to us about which one you want to talk about which one do you want to talk about your choice you've got so many movies well here today just came out streaming it's now streaming um it's a movie with billy crystal and i it's very powerful comedy andromedy i would say i saw the trailer for that looks great yeah yeah it's it's really great it's very moving you need to be prepared to laugh and potentially cry a little bit um because this is about a man that's going through dementia and about a woman who sees him and realizes he doesn't have the help that he needs and she wants to help mm-hmm she wants to be a service he's one of our greats to i bet you enjoyed working with him what a what god i learned so much yeah hello man so card counters coming out in um september oh and i'm going to the venice film festival it'll be my first time ever going to venice oh wow it's shawn and i have been there together shawn and i went to videos together years ago any tips any advice they told me i can only bring one person with me but i'm going to pay to bring other people yeah like hair and makeup right yeah of course insecurity any advice you know what we drew we took the boat out to some remote location near venice and saw some church that was built thousands of years ago i highly recommend it i'll text you with more uh specific information no no that sounds pretty specific nice tip you ever worked for fedors [Music] so uh uh yeah my recommendation just bring some rubber boots because the water level is is is rising there you know yeah but it's it's beautiful just enjoy all of it i mean it's unbelievable tiff thank you for being here today and also thank you for such uh for being open like you always are and inspiring not just me and us but whoever is listening to this um you really are such a a magnet um incredible story of thank you will yeah you're an incredible story an incredible person i agree with sean you you are you got you got you're a special person so uh this has been awesome having you here today so thank you i'm gonna go the other way on this hold on a second tiffany i find it all very no um i i absolutely i absolutely agree and uh just i'm so so happy that you uh you spent some time with us today and and we're so generous with your uh with your story and your uh well thank you well i'm always open to share and i look forward to working with you all at some point yeah like um well yes yes god bless jason i can't wait to work with you okay did you guys come out with another season of ozark because i want to know what the [ __ ] happened we are working on it now to bet you first part of next year it'll be out and shawn and i we're gonna do a sketch show together correct sean that is correct one of these days we made a deal together and we're gonna do a sketch show i would watch the hell out of that cause i'm like what the hell is going on uh cove it happened and shut the whole thing down but it's gonna happen but we gotta make it happen we are i'm gonna make it happen let's all meet at the supermarket we'll meet at the new supermarket and we'll we'll work it all out let's do it we'll see you at the co-op all right tiffany my god thank you so much love you see y'all later bye tiffany thank you yeah bye tiffany bye sweetie bye bye bye bye what a what a sweetheart i will say we got along so great and i love spending time with her we got to spend a bunch of time together over the course of a few weeks and we laughed so much and had so much fun and she does have a magnetic personality she really does so authentic so funny so authentic yeah so honest and those are my favorite stories of all time i love those stories people really lifting themselves up and uh and and making stuff happen you know my therapist calls those types of people figure it outers and she goes oh you are figured out or sean therapist sounds like a real genius yeah sounds like something away with words you get a deal on this one [Laughter] you have 20 bucks an hour [Laughter] never tell anybody else that story is my advice and you know 20 bucks an hour and that's like that's a that's a break for me it's usually usually 25 or something huh yeah wow tiffany is amazing all those and all the stuff she does and then you know she's i heard that she was uh trying to put this supermarket together uh back in her community where she grew up and i'm so into that i really want to get involved somehow no kidding me too it's it's so and by the way people listening going like yeah listen these [ __ ] guys go yeah me too probably never do it it's for real like she's yeah no i'm serious yeah same same same jason doesn't want to do it but um no you know what i'm i find myself sitting here trying to think of how can i work a buy into this thing and you know it's i i should be thinking about the conversation and not about trying to figure out how to say goodbye in a creative field yeah i'm trying to think like how could what what's in a supermarket that starts with buy um well just about everything you can buy oh god that's right [Music] [Applause] smart glass smartlist is 100 organic and artisanally handcrafted by rob armjarf bennett barbaco and michael grand terry the next episode will be out in a week wherever you listen to podcasts or you can listen to it right now early and ad free on amazon music or by subscribing to wondering plus in the wondery app smart glass

Channel: SmartLess

Views: 9,615

Keywords: Smartless, jason bateman, podcast, wondery, sean hayes, will arnett, interview, celebrity, talk show, talk radio, seanpenn

Id: y-ZEqtnjg5Y

Length: 66min 3sec (3963 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 13 2021