♫ EPIC NEW FUS RO DAH INTRO MUSIC ♫ AARON: Hey everybody! Welcome back! It's Skyrim for Pimps, Season 2. We got a brand new person replacing Fun Tits--*Fün* Tits, sorry! EMRE: Yeah, we're not replacing her. She's doing her thing. AARON: We left Fün in a nice--in a good place. Maybe we will go visit her at some point. EMRE: Yeah! AARON: But, um... EMRE: For now, we're moving on to story oooof... [EPIC RAP BATTLE ANNOUNCER VOICE] *CROTCH GUZZLER*!! EMRE [entirely disgusted and unimpressed]: Crotch...Guzzler... AARON: Crotch Guzzler, yes. EMRE [stifling laughter]: Uhmm... AARON: Do you have a problem with that? EMRE: C-Crotch Guzzler? Are you serious?? Out of all the names you could have picked, you pick *Crotch Guzzler*? AARON: Well, yeah. It's...This is another example of a *family name* that goes down through the ages... This is the first *Crotch* Guzzler, but there's been a number of different Guzzlers. EMRE: So, *GUZZLER* is an Elven household? AARON: Well, let's take a look at the family tree. Shall we? [INSERT GENTLE GUITAR STRUMMING AS AARON PREPARES TO PROVE EMRE WRONG YET AGAIN] So, here ya go! It started all the way back with Cüm Guzzler. He was the *original* Guzzler...aaaand, you know, as it went down through the years there was a lot of different, you know, marriages and branches. But then, eventually, you end up with *Crotch* Guzzler. So, anyway... Crotch Guzzler, uhhhh--he got kicked out of the house. He was about 230 years old. He had been living at home for a *long time*. EMRE: *230*? Yeah... AARON: His elf parents were really gettin' sick of it. So, they sent him off...kinda, you know, fucked around for a little while burning foxes... You know, every so often he would fill a wheelbarrow full of his own *shit* and push it into a village then just light it on fire and run. Ah, he was just a little bit of a prankster but, you know...He's starting to, uh--I feel like he's starting to wise up now and he's just like, 'YEEAAAAH, I think I better go, uh...*do* something with my life. All these practical jokes are gettin' a little--' EMRE: TIME TO GO TO COLLEGE!! BJORLAM: Where do ya want to go?? AARON: Hey, man! Take me to the College of Magic. BJORLAM: Climb on back, and we'll be off. AARON: Fifty gold?! You've raised your prices. EMRE: DUDE! How can you afford this? You're a college student. AARON: It's worse than the price of textbooks! I'm off to college! How are you guys doin' today? [DUMBSTRUCK SILENCE] Yeah... Alright. Well, I guess that's why you're *guards*. They don't even have a goat to speak for them... FARALDA: Cross the bridge at your own peril! You shall *NOT* gain entry! AARON: Like, can I just pay a tuition or something, ma'am? ...Why are you out here? FARALDA: The more important question is...Why are *you* here? AARON: I just wanna fuck people up with ice and fire, ma'am. FARALDA: Those wishing to enter must show *some* degree of skill with magic. ...A small *test*, if you will. AARON: Uhhhh, I guess I'll take your test...as long as it's not a urine test! Because that might be a problem. EMRE: Alright! Don't *FAIL* this test! FARALDA: Well done, indeed. AARON: Thanks. FALADA: You will make a superb addition to the college. AARON: Okay. FALADA: Welcome, Apprentice! EMRE: Dude, that teacher is *hot*. AARON: She *is* hot. I hope they're all like this... EMRE [skeptical]: So, how much research did you do on picking this college? ...Were there any other colleges you were looking into or did you just pick this--the *first* one? AARON: The only college that sent me a pamphlet in the mail was this one, so... I just figured I'd go with it... MIRABELLE ERVINE: Welcome to the college. AARON: Oh, thank you! MIRABELLE [a very refined woman]: I'll give you a brief tour and then we'll get you to your first class. Are you ready to begin? AARON [also a lady of refinement]: CLAAHSSS? She's going to get me to my first CLAHHSS. EMRE [joining in]: Your first CLAHHSS. MIRABELLE: Please, follow me and *DON'T* wander off. EMRE [thinking about footballs in mouths again]: I wonder if they have a football team here... AARON [unimpressed]: Oh, wonderful. *Wow*. This is great. You know...I, uhh, originally applied to Hogwarts but uhh, I got denied so...I had to come here... EMRE: It's like the DeVry of magic colleges. AARON: The DeVry Institute for Magic and Boredom. EMRE: Hey! At least you don't have a roommate. That's like the worst part of college. AARON: Oh, this is my room?? EMRE: Yeah! AARON: I get all this?? I get my own *SKULL*?? [MANIACAL CACKLING] AARON: Look it! I got my own skull, lady! AARON [as a dead man's raspy skull]: WOO! AHLOLOLOO! EMRE: Calm down, dude. It's your first day of college. AARON [ignoring EMRE as usual]: WOOoOoOoOOOOoo!! LOOK IT DEH! OOoOohhh! WHERE YEH GOIN'?! MIRABELLA [unaffected by skull harassment]: Initially you will be learning from Tolfdir, one of our most esteemed wizards. AARON [normally]: Toll-Free? Is he, like...Is he a, uh, telemarketer? EMRE: *TOLL-FREE*. Hah, hah, hah. AARON [impatient already]: Can you just walk a little bit faster...? EMRE: Dude, it's *school*. There's always gotta be that person in front of ya who just walks slow as FUCK. AARON: YAAAAAaaaaaaaayyyy--Hey, everybody! Look, I'm here! WHERE'S DEH BOOZE?? ̶T̶O̶L̶L̶-̶F̶R̶E̶E̶ TOLFDIR: We were just beginning! AARON: Who wants to PARTY??? AARON [back to being a gravelly skull]: WAAAAWAAAAHHWAHHHWAHHHWAaaaAAAaaah! [COUGH COUGH] AARON THE SKULL: I CHOKED ON HIS HEAD! WAAAH! TOLFDIR: What do you think we should do? AARON: O-Oh, I wasn't paying attention! UM! I'm not really sure *what* to think! Ohhh, God. I kinda don't care, buddy. EMRE: Who would have thought Magic College would be SOOOO boring? AARON: Hey, *ONMUND*. How's it going? ONMUND: New here too, eh? I hoped I wouldn't be the only Nord, but I should have known better. AARON: ...Yeah. Uhhh... Bye. J'ZARGO: Yew are new, yeesss? HAVE YOU MASTERED THE EXPERT LEVEL DESTRUCTION SPELLS YET? AARON, A RACIST: Ehhh, I didn't know they had *pets* in this, uuuh, college. EH HEH HEH HEH HEHHHHH... Oh, no. Mage's College? Off to a BAD start... EMRE: Yeah, well, you know...The first day of college is always the worst, you know? You gotta sit through fuckin' orientation and all that shit. AARON: Yeah, that's true. EMRE: Yeah! And, there are no HOT girls in your class! It's just a catman and a ffffffffaggot. [AARON and a rogue ADAM laugh over EMRE's edgelord sputtering] AARON [barely able to contain himself]: That's the new--The new series from FOX. 'Catman and the Faggot'. ...You realize how offensive that is? EMRE: IS IT? AARON: I just want you to *realize* it so that we can include it in the video...and not feel guilty. [EMRE chokes on his own laughter, unsure if AARON is being serious--AARON is definitely being serious] AARON: Okay, wheeere's...Tol--Toll-Free? OOOOH, we're going to Saarthal! EMRE: OH, good! AARON: AN ADVENTURE! EMRE: Yes! Your first field trip! AARON: Alright, well, I'm kinda enjoying getting out of the college already. EMRE: Yeah, that place is pretty *stifling*. AARON: Where's Saarthal? How do I get to Saarthal? EMRE: Maybe there's some public transportation that will go there. AARON: The He'lls goin' on here? ...What're you guys doing? Tolfdir! What are you doin?! EMRE: Whoa! Hey! AARON [in horror while EMRE only laughs]: W-W-WHY ARE YOU KILLING THIS GOAT?! WHY'S TOLFDIR ATTACKING THIS GOAT?? OOhhhooho, MY GAWHD! I don't wanna be *taught* by someone who just goes around and randomly kills goats! Okaaay, I'm at Saarthaaaal... Helloooo...? EMRE: Oh, wow. You're the first one to get here. AARON: W-Well, yeah! That's because *TOLL-FREE* is off killing rabbits now, probably. And anything else that's completely harmless. AARON [shivering with disgust]: UGH! EMRE: This is how great wizards work. They kill *everything*. CONSTANTLY PRACTICING. AARON: Hey, Onmund! ONMUND:...I'm not so sure we should be here. AARON: Eh. Fascinating... Get the fuck outta my way. TOLFDIR: WELL! Are there any questions before we begin? AARON: What? Why do you always talk to *me*? Why don't you talk to any of the other students?? EMRE: I think I know why... Why else would a HORNY old teacher man lead three people into a deep, dank cave in the middle of nowhere? AARON: Oh, my God. You're right. Ohhh, Gawd. He's probably already drugged us... EMRE: Alright, soooooooo the horny old teacher man told you to look for...artifacts... AARON: Alright, here's somethin'. Uhhh... YEAH! Enchanted ring! OOOO--Another enchanted ring! EMRE: Wooo! AARON: Yeah! That's *three* enchanted rings. OOOOH, look! I found an *ancient amulet*! EMRE [faking his excitement]: WHEEEhhh! [Something unseen slides with a mechanical hiss and a heavy clank somewhere in the cavern depths] AARON: What's goin' on?? IT WAS A TRAP! TOLFDIR [not a very good teacher]: How in the WORLD did that happen?? AARON: Yeah...He said that like, 'How in deh WOOORLD did thaaat happen??' 'Like, *I* didn't do that!' TOLFDIR: There must be *something* about that amulet! Have you tried putting it on? AARON: Ohhh, no. I haven't. EMRE: It's a good thing this game was like, designed for children and *retards* to be able to play. Because there is *no way* you could get through it. AARON: 'Children and retards...' EMRE: If it was even REMOTELY difficult... AARON [grumbling]: That's really nice, Emre... WHOA, COOL! Gas fumes! Ohhh, dude, I'm gonna get *so* high! YEAH! That's some DOOR BREAKING ACTION! EMRE: NIIIIICEEEE! AARON [as a tubular rascal from the 90's]: What's goin' on, Old Man? What's happening? EMRE: Wow. AARON: Oooh, God. What's goin' on... EMRE: Maybe you did get high off of those fumes? AARON: I think so. MYSTERIOUS ELVEN ENTITY [deeply distorted from the gas fumes]: WELL!!! W-W-W-W-WEELLLL! KNOW THAT YEHW HAVE S-S-SET IN MOTION A CHaaaaaaaaain of EEVENTS-- ACHAINOFEVENTS. T-T-THAT CANNOT BE SSSSSSSSSSTOPPED. STOPPED. STOPPED. STOPPED. JUDGMENT WILL BE-- Based on your actions to come. COME. COMM. CUM. And, how you deal with-- DAAAHAHAHHEHAngers ahead of you. This warning is passed to you because the PSiJiC Order believes in you. [A static filled voice calls Crotch Guzzler's name from beyond the gates of sanity] And, you alone have the potential to-- TO TAKE AH SHIT! [A MYSTERIOUSLY WET FART PFFFFTTTT] And know that the Order is watching-- [HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH OVER MANIACAL LAUGHING, ENDING WITH A DELICATE BUBBLE POP] EMRE:...So, what the Hell was *that*? AARON: Some sort of ghost or apparition, I guess? [EMRE laughs in disbelief] AARON: It spoke to me. EMRE: You don't seem fazed. This stuff happen a lot while you're on acid? [A LOUD, EARTHY CRASH] [EMRE and AARON screaming in unison over the too spooky Draugr] EMRE: MONSTERS! AARON: Yeah! Did ya see how cool I was there? That was *awesome*. EMRE: OOOHOHOHOOO! AARON: YEAAAAAAAAHH-- EMRE: Took a couple of arrows to the knee right there. AARON: I don't think I can adventure anymore. TOLFDIR: I've never seen *anything* like this in Nordic ruins before! AARON: Um, well, what this is--is called a Draugr Barrow. The Draugrs live down here. UM, actually, they're all *DEAD* but then they come back alive when you come down here. You have to *kill* them all. And then usually, there's some sort of treasure at the end. I've done them about FIVE MILLION TIMES. Okay? History lesson for today is finished. ...You stupid sonovabitch. EMRE [as a stereotypical British safari man: OOOOH, IT'S A PUZZLE. WONDAHFUUL. AARON: I don't feel like solving this... EMRE: Do you want me to solve it for you? AARON: Yeahh... ♫ [OCARINA OF TIME 'SECRET SOUND' ALERT DOO DA DODADOOOoo] AARON: Whoa, Tolfdir! Check this out! This is kinda neat. Just kidding. It's pretty boring. Alright. Well. Let's move on. TOLFDIR: Whyyyyy is this buried soooo far---HUH?! AARON [muttering]: What the fuck are you doing? EMRE: WHOA!! AARON: Jyrik Gauldurson?? Holy shit! He sold me my car! The Hell's he doing? TOLFDIR: THERE! NOW ATTACK IT! AARON: *Now* attack him? Oh, okay. Jyriiiiik?? WHAAAAAAHHH! Uhhh, Tolfdir? That's not working! Help! Tolfdir! [EMRE's back to laughing at AARON's pain] EMRE: Try a different spell. Maybe he's resistant to *FIRE*... Ahh, yeah! That does it! AARON: Alright, that was a good idea. Y-YEAH, SUCK IT! D-Deerick Firenawgers... What the fuck was his name? EMRE [sing-song]: Call 8-4-7 2-6-8! That's JYYYRICK GAULDERSOONN-- EMRE and AARON [singing in unison]: CHEVROLET! AARON: So, uh, that was kinda fun. Right, Tolfdir? TOLFDIR: This is *simply* fascinating! AARON: OH... Mnn... Can you think of any other adjectives? [EMRE finds demented old men hilarious] *ANYTHING*? AARON [mockingly]: WOWWWW! NEAT-O! This is really *SPECIAL*! I'VE ENJOYED THIS! I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LUCKY I AM TO BE HERE! IIII am having such a GOOD TIME here! WOW! THIS IS FASCINATING! I GUESS I'LL STAND HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE! INTERESTING, DER!! AAAH!? GUUHHH? DAAAAAAHHH! HOOOOP?? BLEEEEEEGHHHhhh!!! ♫ EPIC FUS RO DAH INTRO MUSIC ♫ AARON: What *is* this anyway? EMRE: It's like a big Marilyn Monroe statue. AARON: Yeah, like the wind is totally pushing up this magician's robe... EMRE: OOoOoOoOoOoo! AARON: He's getting all *sexy*. EMRE:...Or he's just letting a huge one rip. AARON: Well, here we are--back in the dorms! J'ZARGO! WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING IN *MY ROOM*?! Get the FUCK outta here! This is-- EMRE [laughing]: He just walks in and sits on your chair. AARON: He can't even sit on my chair because there's *SKULLS* on it. EMRE: So, he's *standing*... AARON: Dude. DUDE? Get outta here. EMRE: Obviously you've never had a pet cat before because all they do is go into places they shouldn't be and then jump on all your furniture. You're just lucky he's not pissing on all of your shit. AARON: Probably--that's what he's waiting for! EMRE: He's waiting for you to turn around and leave. AARON: YEAH! As soon as I leave the room, he's gonna piss over all of my...he's gonna piss over everything. Alright, so, I gotta go talk to the *Dean*. I dunno what I did... Whoa! Fancy duds! EMRE: WOWWWW. AARON: Pays to be the Dean, I guess, huh? AARON: I need to speak to you about Saarthaaaaaal. We found some sort of *ORB*. Toll-Free wants you to see it. He's REALLY fucking excited about it. SAVOS AREN: Thank you for bringing this to my attention. AARON [lackluster]: Yer welcome... SAVOS: Speak with Urag in the Arcanium. See if he is aware of anything that matches your discovery. EMRE: JEEEEEZ, man. Just tons of boring quests here... AARON: 'You go talk to Urag and then read a BOOK.' 'You know...Maybe just sit in a chair for a while and just kinda look at the walls.' URAG GRO-SHUH: Disrupt my Arcanium, and I will have you torn apart by *ANGRY* atronaches. AARON: Oh, I know! I hate it when my Arcanium gets *disrupted*. If you know what I mean. SO, uhhh, URAG is there any college business I can assist with?? In any exciting, possibly *really interesting*, VIBRANT...enjoyable way?? URAG: If you're feeling *adventurous*, I'm always looking for someone to procure valuable books from some more...*DANGEROUS* locations. AARON: OH! EMRE: HM! Good thing you asked *exactly* that way. URAG: WELL, ALRIGHT. Here. AARON [not yet convinced this isn't utter bullshit]: Thanks, Grow-Shrub. 'Find the Stolen Books'... So, what am I? A librarian now? EMRE: Apparently. AARON: I've changed from being a magician to a librarian... EMRE: But, you're like a BADASS librarian. Like... AARON: Like, CONAN the Librarian! EMRE: YEAH! AARON: Yeah... That's a good way to look at it... ANCANO: YOU THERE! AARON: Yes? ANCANO: I have questions for you! AARON: Okay? ANCANO: You were in Saarthal, yes? AARON: I guess? ANCANO: It has come to my attention that something was *FOUND* there... AARON: I duuuunno, man...maybe? ANCANO: I know full well that you *HAVE*... AARON: What?! ANCANO:...Please, do not insult my intelligence. AARON: Fuck your intelligence! Your intelligence sucks! EMRE: I bet he's only got like a 16. AARON: Yeah. He's only got a 16 Intelligence. EMRE: LOSER. AARON: Alright! So now we begin the exciting quest of...f-find some books and bring 'em back to the library. OOohh, shit... We got trouble! EMRE [as a 50's commercial announcer]: THIS BORING QUEST HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED BYYYY AN *EPIC DRAGON FIGHT*! AARON: Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about. Hey! Leave my...f-fellow students alone! Leave 'em alone. They're my friends! Yeah! Felglow Keep Dungeons. This is where Urag suggested I go to look for these books. 'EY! Um, I'm looking for some books?? O-Oh! Where'd ya go, man? EH, HEH HEH. EMRE and AARON: OOOOHH YEAAAAHH! AARON: HOOOOOLLllyyy SHIIIIT! *THAT GUY*. He did a little kung-fu before he fuckin' died. That was *AWESOME*. EMRE: He was like an extra in a Bruce Lee film. AARON: I'm here for tha books from dah college? THE CALLER: So, you're just one of Aren's lackeys? AARON: N-No, I-I'm just a student... Perhaps we can come to an arrangement where youuuu...get naked... And, I...have sex with you? HEH-HEH-HEHAH. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?? I'm in college, so you know... ...I like sex. I don't think this is gonna end well for me. I'm just gonna go get those books. DOO-DA-DOO-DA-DOO! Where'd the book go? ...They knock the book off? EMRE: Yeah. AARON [murmuring]: Goddamnit, bitch. Okay, I'll be leaving now--BYYYYYYE! EMRE: Well! That was exciting. You got your books... You think that they'd just send 'em, you know...a LETTER? With some library fines. Pay the extra 25 cents or whatever. AARON: YEAH. And then they could just send the books back via, you know, Postal Dragon. EMRE: You should start your *own* library. You could charge people money to rent the books. You could call it 'Cockbuster'. AARON: Wait, what? Call my library 'COCKBUSTER'? EMRE: Yeah! AARON: Why would I do that...? EMRE: C-Cuz, you know, it's got like an intriguing name. People can bust their cocks readin' your books...COCKBUSTER. AARON:...I don't understand that... HERE'S. THE FUCKING. BOOKS. URAG: WELL, WELL. AARON: YEAAAH. [Very loud, disinterested chewing] AARON: HEY! Stop fucking munchin' your bread--I just about got KILLED like fifty times finding these FUCKING books!! EMRE: This guy really reminds me of Nazir. He's like the uglier, stupider, ANGRIER version of Nazir. AARON: W-What have you got for sale? URAG: I have a FEW things laying around...That weren't WORTH adding to the collection. AARON: Okay? You seem REALLY angry about that. I'm SORRY I asked. I get the feeling that this guy--If you were just like, 'Hey, man! How's it goin'? H-How's the weather today?' He'd be like, AARON: [as Orcish Clint Eastwood] 'EET'S KINDAH SUNNY OUTSIDE! IT'S KIND OF ABOUT *PERFECT TEMPERATURE*. LIKE 70 DEGREEEEESSS.' EMRE [as Orcish Clunt Westwood, brother in law to Clint]: 'I WALKED OUTSIDE AND SAW SOME *FFUUUCKIN' ANIMALSSS*.' ORCISH AARON: 'THIS MORNING I DECIDED TO EAT BREAKFAAAAST'. ORCISH EMRE: 'EET WAZ REALLY TAAAASTYYYY'!! 'MY DAUGHTERS GETTING MAAAARRIED'!! ORCISH AARON: 'IT'S THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MAH LIFE, GAWDDAYUMEET'!!! AARON [normal]: Hey, Colette Manshrub! Can I talk to you? COLETTE MARENCE [with a gratingly high-pitched voice]: You consider Restoration a valid school of magic???! Worthy of study????! DONTYEW?! AARON: MNNNOOOOoo...Restoration's for idiot, asshole dip-shits? Fuuuck yeewww? COLETTE: WELL. I'm GLAD that we established this EARLY. Rather than me hearing about it years or DECADES later when the WHISPERS behind my BACK are LOUD ENOUGH! AARON: DECADES LATER? Wha...the Hell you talkin' about? EMRE: H-How *OLD* are you?? AARON: Am I going to be seeing you?? *Decades* from now? Are we getting married? Is this how college works?? Someone just *CHOOSES* you? EMRE: I thought this was a four year degree! AARON: What am I supposed to do now? OH! Speak with TolfDUR. Look at this. He's *so* fascinated by it, he just stands here all day. He's like... [as stoner TolfDUR]: 'DUUUUDE. FAAASCINATING.' EMRE: 'So maneh colouurssss...' AARON: 'WOOOOWWWWW'! AARON: Uuuhm, Butt-Rag suggested I come and see you. TOLFDIR: Did he now?? AARON: S-Stop doing that. TOLFDIR: Does he have information about our *wonderful* discovery? AARON: Yes, he had *INFORMATION*. EMRE: About your *FASINCATING* and wonderful discovery. TOLFDIR: Whatever this is, it's BEAUTY is like nothing I've EVER seen before! AARON: Oh, my God... TOLFDIR: If you'd allow me to INDULGE myself for a moment... AARON: NO! I don't want you *INDULGING* yourself around me at all! Stop it! STAHP THAT! 'Listen to Tolfdir'...OKAY. Whoever suggested we do this quest...needs to get SLAPPED. EMRE: They were playing a fucking prank on us, weren't they? AARON: I'm sorry, but they *must* have known that 3 quarters of it is walking around, listening to some JIBBERING old man talk about how FASCINATING everything is. What're you doing in here, Pussweed?! Do you wear lipstick? ...Do you have contacts? Are you a glam rocker? ANCANO: I need you to come with me immediately. Let's go. AARON: Where?? ANCANO: I'd like to know why there's someone claiming to be from the Psijic Order here in the college. More importantly, I'd like to know why he's asking for *YOU* specifically. AARON: Oh, boy. I probably knocked up his lady friend or somethin', you know? EMRE: AWWW, yeah. There *was* that party you went to last weekend... AARON: YEAH. Where I had sex with fifty women? EMRE: Yep. AARON:...That was a good party. EMRE: YEAH! It was fifty, Ancano! FIFTY! AARON: Fifty women! EMRE: IN ONE NIGHT! AARON: And, I wasn't wearing lipstick like you either. EMRE: Nor protection. AARON: Take ya time there, I just wanna *WATCH DAT ASSSSS*... Look at dat ASSSSssss. EMRE [matter-of-factly]: Yeah? Outta everyone in Skyrim, he probably *does* have the most interesting ass. AARON: He does! Yeah, he...he designed his ass well-- OH! EXCUSE ME! HA-HA! I WASN'T LOOKING! AHEHEHEH! UMMMM! SORRY! I think that h-his magic comes from his butt... He's got a *MAGIC ASS*. Ancano of the Magic Ass! MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Please! Do not be alarmed! I mean you no harm. AARON: Oh, God. Here we go again... EMRE: It's this fuckin' guy... AARON: Your face is fuckin' WEEEIRD. EMRE: Dude, he's like frozen in time. QUARANIR: It is good to meet you in person. AARON: I don't wanna talk to you. ...Can you go home? I-I'm busy... Oooh! Can I steal stuff?? EMRE: Niiiice! AARON: This was a good opportunity to take *everything* in here. ALRIGHT. What do you want? QUARANIR: The situation here at your college is of DIRE IMPORTANCE. AARON [skeptically]: REALLY? QUARANIR: And so, I have come here *personally* to tell you it *must* be dealt with. AARON: That was nice of you, man. You're pretty *neat*. I like you. SOOOO, uhhh, what exactly is the problem? And kinda pick up the pace here because I'm startin' to get kinda...mn, sleepy. QUARANIR: Seek out the Augur of Dunlain, here in your college. His perception may be more coherent than our's. AARON [quickly]: WHERECANIFINDTHISAUGUR?! QUARANIR THE USELESS: I-I am unsure... AARON: OH, OKAY. *GREAT*. *THAAANK YOU.* I just wanna point out this, uh...this quest? All the things I did in this quest so far are fucking DUMB. LOOK. 'Speak with Quaranir'. 'FOLLOW Ancano'. 'LISTEN to Tolfdir'. 'SPEAK with Tolfdir'. WOW! The adventure was endless! EPIC NARRATOR RETURNS FOR BORING ANNOUNCEMENTS MADE OVER DRAMATIC MUSIC: AAAAND THE MIGHTY HEEEERO *SPOKE* WITH QUARANIR!! AND AFTERWARDS, HE *FOLLOWED* THE GREAT ANCANO! AND THEN, AFTER THAT... HE JOURNEYED INTO THE BASEMENT AND *LISTENED* TO TOLFDIR! AND FINALLY, WHEN ALL WAS DONE, HE *SPOKE* WITH MIGHTY TOLFDIR... AND, IT WAS EPIC! AARON: The bards will sing of these amazing feats. In the quest of 'GOOD INTENTIONS'. ♫ EPIC FUS RO DAH MUSIC ♫ AARON [already bored to exhaustion]: O-Kay...*now* who do I have to talk to? Whose dick do I have to SUCK to complete this quest?! [EMRE laughs but knows he too would suck a dick to end this shit] EMRE: So, this is where all the Freshmen live. This is the Freshmen Wing. AARON: Y-Yeah, in the Midden. Oooh! Wow, it's chilly down here. YOOOOHOooooo! Anybody dooown hereee? ...A bloody sleeping bag. Nice. Why is there a Draugr hanging out in the basement of the college...? EMRE: Yeah. The *one* janitor that roams the basement of the college. [A MYSTERIOUS ADAM CACKLES FROM BEYOND THE ETHER] AARON: He wasn't a Draugr at all. He was just a janitor. AARON [fighting through a stroke]: Ahron Dagginah. Dagginah. D-Dagginah. Iron V-Vaginah of Weariness. EMRE: Oh, God. I hate those. DOO DA DOODOO DOO DA DOODADOOOOooo--- CREEPY VOICE FROM NOWHERE: Yourrrrr perseveranceeee......will only lead to disappointmeeeent.... EMRE: Who's talking? AARON: Hello?? HELLO?? CREEPER: STIIIIIILL you PERSISSST! VEREH WELL... AARON: WHAT?! You may ENTER! AARON: I can't, I can't hear youuu! Can you speak up? UHH... You don't look like an Augur. AUGUR OF ̶S̶L̶O̶W̶ ̶T̶A̶L̶K̶I̶N̶G̶ DUNLAIN: IIIIIIII...am THAT...which you have BEEN SEEKING... AARON: THE MOST BORING THING. IN SKYRIM. ...What am I seeking? AUGUR OF DUMBLAME: Seek that which AAAAALL who wield magic SEEEEK...KNOWLEDGE. AARON: Mn. *KNOWLEDGE*. AUGUR OF DUMBLAME: You shall find.........THIS....... KNOWLEDGE.... EMRE: WHY does he have such *HUGE* pauses in-between his sentences?! AUGUR OF DUMBLAME: IT wiiiiilll......CONSUUUME.... [AUGUAR OF DUMBLAME continues on at the pace of a paraplegic sloth] EMRE: I-It's like a second and a half of pausing. AARON: In case you wanna go make a pizza or take a *break*... GOD. My back hurts, Augur of Dunlain! Can you...? F-FFFuckin' hurry this up? EMRE: You know what would have made this better? If they had gotten Morgan Freeman to do the voice of the Augur of Dunlain. AARON: Yeah? What would that sound like? [WHIMSICAL HARP TRANSITION] ACTUAL MORGAN FREEMAN: YOU SMOKE CRACK, DON'T CHA? YOU SMOKE CRACK, DON'T CHA?!!?! LOOK AT MEH, BOI!! DON'T YOU SMOKE CRACK?!?! AARON: Actually I think it would have been more interesting if like Richard Simmons had done the voice. EMRE: What would THAT have sounded like?? [WHIMSICAL HARP TRANSITION] RICHARD SIMMONS AFTER 47 CIGARETTES: AAAAaaahhEEyhhh!! I'M DEH AUUUGAAAAR OF DUUUNLAAAAANNNNNNNN! EMRE: That sounded like rubbing a cheese grater on my nutsack. AARON: Well, that's what his voice sounds like *to me*. Wait, 'rubbing a cheese grater on your nutsack'? OKAY! Soo, I just--So this mission that I just completed? EMRE [sucking on his teeth]: The most boring mission in Skyrim. AARON: Well, it's not *over*. EMRE: Oh... AARON: This *part* of the mission was to talk to the most boring thing--I THOUGHT, 'Find the Augur'--I thought it would be like a weapon or something. EMRE: Yeah, yeah... AARON: So I only talked to this blue haze of light that talks more slowly than-- EMRE: Someone who suffered SIX strokes. AARON: Nooo, I wasn't thinking of someone like *that*. Talks more slowly than someone with... Uhhh, with a problem talking really slowly... EMRE: I think my joke was funnier. AARON: Maybe. And then, um, now my *next* part of the quest? 'Report to Savos Aren'. EMRE: GREAT. AARON: Report. Find. Speak. Follow. Listen. [THE BOYS, utterly saturated with bullshit, can only laugh at their own pain] EMRE: ALRIGHT! We need some *ACTION* verbs for this quest line, people! Let's get some *ACTION* verbs up on the board! EMRE [as Bethesda Idiot #3]: 'UHHHHH...LISTEN???' Y-Yeah! That's an action verb! 'REPOOORT???' Technically, that is... AARON: I meant like, FIGHT or DESTROY or something like that. EMRE: 'UUU-UHHH! *TALK* TOOOOO!' AARON: 'S-S-SPEAK WITH!' 'L-LI..LII...uhhhh....' EMRE: 'FOOOLLOWWW'?? AARON: 'Ah..AH-ASK IF IT'S OKAY'! EMRE: 'INQUIRE'! AARON: 'GET PERMISSION'! 'BE CERTAIN'! EMRE: OBVIOUSLY the interns designed this quest line. AARON: O-O-OHHHH, I gotta go report to SaVoSSss--I gotta let 'em know about everything that's happened! [Insert EMRE's breathless grunting] HE'S GONNA BE SO EXCITED. I gotta get up there quick! EMRE: EPIC MUSIC! EMRE and AARON: BOMBAbomBOM BOMBABOMBA BAPFFFT PFFT! BOMBAPFFTTFFT!! PFFT! SHUBLADOOM! DOOMABOM BABOOMBA BOOMBAPFFTT PFFT! PFFFT PFAPFFTT! BOOMDABOOMAAAAAAAH!! AARON: Savos! AARON [as the AUGUR OF DUMBLAME]: IIIIII....HAAAaaave...IMPOoortaaant.... Information for you. SAVOS AREN: *REALLY*...And what might *that* be? AARON OF DUMBLAME: WWWWEEEE... NEEEEEEEEEEEED..... Toooo FIIIIIiiind... THESTAFFOFMAGNUS. SAVOS AREN: I'm sorry, WHAT? AARON OF DUMBLAME: IIIII... sPPPOOOookke... with the AUUUuuugguuurrrrr.... [A DEEP WHEEZING BREATH] Of Dunlain. SAVOS AREN: Did you really? And he specifically mentioned the Staff of Magnus? AARON [normally]: I dunno, man. I was *so* fucking bored out of my SKULL, I don't know a single fucking word he said! What should I do *NEXT*? SAVOS AREN: Impressive attitude! AARON: Yeah... Uhh, is there anybody else I can talk to? Completed. 'Good Intestines'. 'Started: Revealing the Unseen'. OH, GAWHD. I can't wait to see what I have to do for *this* quest! First of all, 'Speak with Mirabelle'. EMRE: OH! GAWHD!! *SPEAK* WITH! AARON: Hey, did you ever notice how that dragon right there--that skull--that dragon bones are just movin' around all the time? No, look--Just listen to me for a second. Look it-- Look over there, YEAH! Right there. NO. Over there! RIGHT THERE. Right there. N-No. Right THERE. Ancano. Ancano! ANCANO. ANCANO! Yes! Right there! You see that? It was moving! I swear, it was moving a few seconds ago! If you would have looked *then*, it would have--you could have *SEEN*! YOU FUCKIN' DICK! Mirabelle! Hey, baby! MIRABELLE: Please DON'T bother the Archmage unless it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. AARON: Shuddup. Why do you have to be such a bitch? Do you know anything about the Staff of Magnus? MIRABELLE: Why in the world would you be asking? AARON: Archmage Aren said you'd mentioned it recently. MIRABELLE: I see. I only brought it to his attention a few months back when the Synod showed up here looking for it. AARON: Is there any chance you could give me, uhhhh, five or just s-six *DAY* long explanation about who the 'Synod' are? MIRABELLE: My understanding is that all they REALLY do is *make noise* in an attention to carry favor from the Emperor. AARON: MMn. Okay. MIRABELLE: Lots of POLITICS, little magic. AARON: Eh. Politics. AARON [sighing]: Ooohh. Mirabelle. I need to go get drunk. Wanna come? I bet you'd be pretty fun if you had a couple of beers in you, Mirabelle. Yeaah, she probably gets up on that table. Hikes that shit up. Takes the *CLOTHS* off her feet. Does some...Does some sweet, sexy dancin'. So, uhhh, no one knows the staff's location cuz I got a staff I could give you the location of. MIRABELLE [too used to college humor by now]: No one here does. AARON [still desperate]: If you know what I mean... MIRABELLE: The Synod seemed convinced it was *somewhere* in Skyrim. They inquired about the Ruins of Mzulft, but that's-- AARON: Hey, look! There's some guys comin' in. I'm gonna watch them walk in. It's kinda interesting. They're getting closer! Look at them! EMRE: WHAT'RE THEY GONNA DO?? AARON: HERE THEY COME! OHMYGOD--What are they doing?! Who are these guys?! Hey! Hey, w-wha... He--OH. It's just you guys. Nevermind. EMRE: Let's see what *exciting* thing you need to do! AARON: FIND some ruins?? That could be exciting! EMRE: Mkay. Alright. AARON: That could be good! Finding ruins is a little bit more interesting than *speaking* to someone. EMRE: Eheh...That's true. EMRE [using his EPIC ANNOUNCER voice]: I NEEEEED YOU TO FIIIIND THE MOST *BOOOORING* IN ALL OF SKYRIM! AARON: It's called... 'THE TALKING *BOX'! All it does it drone on and on all day! About things you could do with *WORDS*! Like, speak! And write! And order...FOOD! EMRE: It tells you those stories that have no POINT and just *branch* off into other stories that NEVER seem to go anywhere! AARON: But, the trick about the box is...is that there is ALWAYS a dagger next to it! So at any time you want, you can KILL YOURSELF! Some men have lasted THREE DAYS listening to it drone ON AND ON! About how *FASCINATING* the world is! And how interesting MAGIC and BOOKS are! EMRE: So, why haven't your parents bought you a horse yet? You know, even a *used* one. AARON: I just--They want me to, uhh, take time to stop and smell the roses. EMRE: They could have gone to Jyrick Gaulderson Chevrolet. AARON: And gotten me one of their fine horses, yeah. [EMRE hums to himself to pass the time] AARON: Oohh, what do we have over here? Hey! How's it goin'? EMRE: HEY! HE HAS HORSES! AARON: Excuse me, can I join you in the tent? For some enjoyment? Wake up! [BEASTLY SNARLING AND BANDIT CRIES] SOON-TO-BE-DEAD BANDIT #49: NEVAH SHOULD HAVE CUMMMM-- EMRE: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAHH! AARON: YEAAAAH! I think that was cool? Did you see that? HUNTRESS: I've been huntin' and fishin' in these parts for years. AARON: OH. Uhm, I just used a fireball to kill this wolf. Did you see that? HUNTRESS: ...It's not like my poachin' is hurting anyone. The Jarl can hardly eat every deer now, can he? AARON: I don't... What? Why don't you just go back to sleep, hun? I'll take care of the business out here. Can I have your horse? I guess I can... BYYYEEEE! Thanks! Awwwh, that was awfully nice of those guys! EMRE: Yeah! They were, They were good people. AARON: They *are* good people! EMRE: Don't really see a lot of *good people* these days. AARON: OH, IS THAT A GOAT?! I gotta get the FUCK outta here! HOLY SHIT! H-How the fuck do I get outta here?! There's a goat! OHMIGAD. [FEARFUL PANTING] EMRE: That was close. AARON: Oh, my God. I thought I was done. EMRE: That goat almost SAW you. AARON: MEHZUUUULFTTT. EMRE: Who *names* these places? AARON: You just stay here now. I'm gonna--I'll be right back, OKAY?? You just *STAY HERE*. N-N-No... No, come--No. I'm gonna-- I want to--I'm gonna NEED you-- I'm gonna come back--Can you stay HERE? What are you DOING?? [THE SHRIEKS OF EQUINE HOMICIDE] EMRE: Teach you to run... AARON: I asked you to stay here, and you wouldn't listen. *YUCK*. I don't want that. EMRE: That's the meat of a TRAITOR. AARON: EHEHEHEYEAH! That's the meat of my EX-FRIEND. ♫ EPIC FUS RO DAH MUSIC ♫ AARON: Okay, so, why am I going here? EMRE: WELL! You're going here because you need-- AARON: Staff of Magnus. EMRE: Yeah. AARON: Hey! It's convenient that I just found you here like this, Gavros Plinius. GAVROS PLINIUS [with a dying breath]: Find...Paratus... ...In...Oculory... AARON: Okay. EMRE: OH! AARON: Alright, I'll work on that honey. HEEeey, spider buddy! You're *DEAD*, bitch! [EMRE making raspy explosions with his mouth] AARON: Not a fuckin' CHANCE against mah firebawl! This plaaaace is CRAAAAYzeeeee! EMRE: What is THAT?! AARON [with narration like that of Honey Badger Randall]: A chaurus reaper--look at 'em run baaackwaaards! OOOH! Did the chaurus reaper eat this Synod Reeesearcheeer?? That's so DIISGUsstiiinnng... OOOhhh! The chaurus reaper doesn't give a shit! AARON [as his normal bored self]: Faaaalmerrr... Suuuuck iiitt... [EMRE providing more mouth noise. This time a delightful oral fart] PFFffffffffffffttttthhhhhhhhHHhhHHHHhhhh.... AARON [as deceased Falmer]: 'OOOooh, I didn't expect a FOURTH fireball that would kill mehehehhh'! Focusing Crystal?? EMRE: YEEEEEEEYAAAHH! AARON: I think I'm gonna need *that*. EMRE: You notice that all the Falmers kinda look like President George W. Bush? AARON: They do. PARATUS DECIMIUS: WHAT?!...What are *you* doing here?? What have you done with Gavros?! AARON: Yer PAL Gavros is DEAD. PARATUS: It was the Falmer, wasn't it?! AARON: And so is Davros who invented the Daleks, actually. EHHHHH--I'm lookin' for the Staff of Magnus! LETSGITDOWNTOBUSINESS. PARATUS: EH...I'm afraid I can't help you with that... AARON: Okay. PARATUS: I need *THE CRYSTAL* to do anything useful! And, I don't have it... AARON: Mmmmnn, well...I've got it. PARATUS: You found it?? AARON: Yeh. PARATUS: How in the WORLD?? AARON: I just killed this dude and he had it. AARON: [suddenly a pompous trust fund baby]: *I'M* with the *COLLEGE OF WINTERHOLD*. PARATUS: You ARE, are you? AARON: MNNYES! We have vereh nice ASSES at the College of Winterhold. [INSERT EMRE GIGGLES] We are *ALSO* vereh interested in SPEAKING and DISCUSSING...and TALKING and FOLLOWING. If you want me to do somethin' like *THAT*, I can definitely--YES, I will *FOLLOW* you. I'm VEREH good at this. EMRE [also very privileged]: IN FACT, he has a *MAJOR* in FOLLOWING. AARON: I do! I have a Major in Following and a minor in...Attempting to Kill Myself. ...Because I'm so bored, all the time. EMRE: It's more of an extracurricular activity. AARON: BUT, YOU KNOW... It's hard to get a *DEGREE* in Killing Yourself out of Boredom. AARON: I wish one of these quests would just be like, 'Have sex with one of your college roomates'. COME ON! I mean, COME ON! Like, *MAGICAL* sex! AARON: Where you use magic to make your dick like SEVENTEEN inches long. EMRE: Why stop at seventeen? Why not go into the-- AARON: Awwhh, once you start gettin' any longer than that, it's gonna get awkward. You know? EMRE & AARON: OHHHHGGGHHH--! AARON: Shit. Lookie what we got here. EMRE: It's your first multiple choice test of college. AARON: It is. It's like a Pop Quiz. [BANJOS STRUM OVER MANY, MANY HOURS OF PAINFUL REGRET AND RECONSIDERATION TO THE CLASSIC TUNE OF COLLEGE DEBT] [MORE AND MORE DEBT, MORE AND MORE REGRET] [AN AUDIENCE OF CHILDREN GASP WITH EXCITEMENT AS THE BOYS FINALLY PASS A CLASS THAT DOESN'T MATTER] EMRE: Oh. My. GOD. That took forever. AARON: Ah, it didn't take that long... I-It's only been like half an hour, Emre. I don't know what your problem is. EMRE: I can't help but think we might have got that done quicker if we weren't *drunk*. AARON: Hey, dickweed. How's it goin'? PISSY PARATUS: What is IT?! What have you DONE?! AARON: You better *FUCK OFF*. SOOOOooo, the Staff of Magnus is somewhere else that I have to go... ...fuckin' look for... PARATUS: WELL....YES! AARON:...Yer kiddin' me... PARATUS: But, that doesn't matter now! Because I know you're *HORDING* something even *MORE* important at your college! AARON: I am. I have over--I have a collection of over THIRTY skulls! I'd like to add your skull to my collection! PARATUS: You got what you came f-- [EXPLOSIVE BETRAYAL] EMRE: OHOOOOO!! PARATUS: I YIELD! I YIELD!! AARON: Nah, you don't yield. You *DIE*. ...Fuckin' dick. I keel'd 'em! I KEEL'D 'EEEM! DOO DA DOO DA DOOOoooo!! He was a douchebag. I'm so glad he's dead--WHAT THE FUCK? Hello? EMRE: *These guys* again... MYSTERIOUS ELF: You've done well thus far-- AARON: WUT? MYSTERIOUS ELF: But TRYING TIMES are ahead! AARON: OH! Hi! Is it *snowing* where you live? Cuz is looks like it is here... MYSTERIOUS ELF: You are on the RIGHT PAWHTH, and you will PREVAIL. AARON: PATH or PAWHTH? I dunno what a PAWHTH is... Is that like a posse? Byyyyeee~~! Oh, Mzulft. I'm gonna miss you. EMRE: *Are* you? AARON: No. AARON:..Did you just let one? EMRE: IIIIIiii...let one... AARON: Wonderful. EMRE: You know wherever I see that statue of the mage farting, I just feel... Like I *need to*. AARON: Hey, what's happenin'? UHHHH. Sorry I'm late. I've been drinkin'. SAVOS [barely audible over a goddamn wind tunnel]: I don't know what he's doing, but he won't get away-- AARON: I'm kinda wasted right now, so I can't really hear you. Savos? I love you. AARON [even more drunk]: I LUV ALL YEW GUYS AT THE MAGE'S COLLEGEEEE. YEW GUYS ARE SO AWESUMMM.... I'm so GLAAAD I came hereee... Hey! What are you doin', man?? EMRE: Ah! You're supposed to blast it! BLAST IT! AARON: Blast WUT??? EMRE: WHATEVER, man! Just do it! AARON: I did it. Hey! What are you doin', dude? Maybe you should stop. EMRE [loves a good man butt]: That's the guy with the nice butt! Check it out! YEEEEAAAAAAAaaahhhh!! AARON: Hey, you better--you better stahp it! Stahp it, man. EMRE: They're comin' for ya! AARON: Stahp it. Git 'em! EMRE: AAAHHh, shit. AARON: UHHH... What's goin' on? MIRABELLE: Are you alright? AARON: N-No? MIRABELLE: Can you WALK? AARON: Yeah? MIRABELLE: I need you on your feet! We're in trouble here. AARON: I'm kinda tired... Think I might take a nap. EMRE: Oh, man! That's not good! AARON [speaking with his mouth full]: OHSHHNOOO--SHHAVOS! I'm eatin' banana, sorry. SHAAAVOS iz deaaad--OhhGAWHD! EMRE: BUT HE WAS THE *DEAN*! Now who's going to stop your... Crazy college antics? AARON: NO ONE. [LET THE UNIFIED CACKLING COMMENCE] AARON: HEY, FARALDY! Wanna go protect the village and shit?! Should be fun! Come on, Faralda! I like you! You're mah favorite here! You're no Astrid, but...if I gotta bang somebody. Hey, Faralda! Have you ever been a part of a gangbang? It's pretty fun. Wanna try it? Me and Arniel. How 'bout it? Just the three of us. Threesome?? Come ooooonn... If you've never tried it, it's pretty fun! EMRE: That's the look of consideration. AARON: Yeah, she is. She'll think about it. She'll let me know. 'Defeat the creatures infesting Winderhoooold'...? Alright. If you insist. EMRE: Man! These things sure have a lot of health! AARON: YEAH! Punch 'em! PUNCH 'EM!! Whoops! Set my buddy on fire there. EMRE: WOOO!! AARON: WE DID IT! Good job, everybody! Heeeey, how do ya wanna *celebrate*, Faralda?? How 'bout a lil party? I'm having a party back in my dorm room right now. Wanna come? [FARALDA is fed up with this world] AARON: To celebrate killing all these--HEY! HEYYY! [ADAM CACKLES OVER AARON'S LIFE OF REJECTION] AARON [laughing at his own pain]: Shiiit!...I guess I shouldn't have asked her... Now what? Hello?? Can I come in? I just wanna talk to you for a second, man. Gaw, why are you such a dick? Heyyy, uhhh, I took care of those dudes out in the, uhhh...town? What are--Get over here! MIRABELLE: WELL! Is everything out there alright?? AARON: Yeah, it's fine. MIRABELLE: Wish I could say the same for us... AARON: Yeah, me too. MIRABELLE: Tolfdir and I can *try* and keep this contained. AARON: Can you? MIRABELLE: *YOU* need to get your hands on the Staff of Magnus. *NOW*! AARON [weighed down by so much bullshit]: OKAY, WELL, I guess *I'LL* go off to Labyrinthian. MIRABELLE: WAT?! Are you... Are you sure?? AARON: NO! I'm not sure! I don't wanna go there! I want to go back to my dorm room and have a nap and a...booze. TOLFDIR: WAT ARE YOU *DOING HERE*?! YEW NEED TO GET THAT STAFF OR ELSE WE DON'T STAND A CHANCE!! AARON: UHH....okay? But, where are you shouting at me from...? EMRE: Oh, there he is! AARON: JEEeesus, he just--Were you in this *POOL*?? TOLFDIR THE DEMENTED: WAT ARE YEW DOING HERE-- EMRE: What are *YOU* doing here?! I'm just a student! Shouldn't *YOU* be out doing something-- AARON: Why don't YOU go get the GODDAMN staff?! I'm just fuckin--I CAME HERE TO LEARN HOW TO DO *MAGIC*! Not to *SAVE THE COLLEGE*! EMRE: He's like, 'Don't worry! I'll keep your chair nice and warm while you go save the world!' TOLFDIR: WAT ARE YOU DOING HEEEERE?! YOU NEED TO GET THAT STAFF OR ELSE-- AARON: YEAH! AARON [as demented Tolfdir]: 'YEAH, GET OUT OF YOUR ROOOOOM! *I'M* USING IT AND GO FIND THAT STAFF!!' You fuckin' loser. Give me one good reason I shouldn't *destroy* you. TOLFDIR: GIT AWAY FROM ME! AARON and EMRE: PFFTTTTBWAAAHAHA! AARON: GAHHD! I'm SORRY, Tolfdir! EMRE: Baahaa--WOW! AARON: This is *my* room! Get outta here! AARON [as a nappy skull]: Waaauttt aaREee yew doin' HEeerree??! WEH Guuttah gIT outtah--GOGITDATSTAAaaaffh! WOOT aaREh yEWww doOIIng HEEeere?!!?! YEW goTTahgoOut n GIT daht STAAHFFff! EMRE: What's upstairs? AARON: I dunno? I've never been up here. Hey! Who's this? WHAT AM I DOING HERE?! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING THE STAFF AND SAVING THE COLLEGE! ENTHIR: This is going to be *TERRIBLE* for business. AARON: THIS IS GOING TO BE *TERRIBLE* FOR BUSINESS!! WHAT AM I DOING HERE?! I'M SUPPOSED TO GET THAT *STAFF*!! ENTHIR: This is going to be *TERRIBLE* for business. AARON: THIS IS *TERRRRIBLE* FOR BUSINESS! WHAT AM I DOING HEREEE?! I HAVE TO GO GET THAT STAFF AND SAVE THE COLLEGE!! MIRABELLE: If we can't stop this, *WHAT* happens to the rest of Skyrim?? AARON: THAT WOULD BE BAD FOR BUSINESS! [EMRE finally breaks over AARON's prolonged manic state] AARON: Ohh, my God. I'm going to kill myself if I stay here any longer. I'm gonna go get that fucking *STAFF* and save the college. EMRE: Whaat the Hell? AARON: This is the College of Winterhold's... EMRE: MASCOT. AARON: Mascot. Bored Face. EMRE: I guess we just gotta do this... AARON: Yeah, let's go to Labyrinthian. That'll be really fun, right? EMRE: MHM... It's not like it's going to be LONG and BORING and hard to navigate. AARON: NOOOooo! No, no, noOOooooooo... UGGGH! If only Astrid was sending me out to kill people! It just doesn't get any more exciting than that! EMRE: No, it doesn't. We really, um...blew our load, right away. AARON: We did. We bllleeeew it all oveer.... ...Astrid's face. HELLO?? Savos?? Wow! His ghost travels quick! EMRE: Huh. AARON: Hey. What's goin' on, man? Nothing? Okay! WELL! Fuck you! Alright! This is kinda LI-byrinthine in here! EMRE: LI-byrinthine? AARON: Libyrinthine. EMRE: LA-Byrinthine. AARON: Librarian. EMRE DAWG: Librizzle. Mah nizzle. AARON: HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?! OHMAHGAWHD, THERE'S A FUCKIN' SKELE-D-DRAGON! OHMAHGAWD, THIS IS WAY MORE EXCITING THAN IT SHOULD BE! This is impossible! EMRE: IMPOSSIBLY exciting! OH, GOD! AARON: Oh, shit! I got trouble. EMRE: JEEEEEZE!! Nice! AARON: YEeeeaaah! You piece of SHIT! You like dat?! EMRE [cautiously optimistic]: Well, that was pretty cool! AARON: I was *not* expecting anything exciting, at all. ♫ EPIC FUS RO DAH MUSIC ♫ AARON: Hello? EMRE: Oh! That's the mascot! Right there! See it? AARON: That's Bored Face! EMRE: Bored Face, the mascot! AARON: That was where Savos got the idea for him as a mascot. EMRE: OOOOH, right! AARON: HEY, LOOK OUT! There's a fireball! LOOK OUT, MAN! OOOooohGAAAAWD! [GIGGLING BOYS BE GIGGLIN'] EMRE: I don't know why but those slow motion deaths really get me gigglin'. AARON: Yeah, they make me kinda feel *pleasured*. Check it out. DISEMBODIED SKULLY VOICE: 'HEEEEY, thaaanks fer findin' meh'! 'I LUV YEW! Can you take me sumwharrr??' 'Where there's a LOT moar skulllzzzz? Where I can hang OUT 'n peeple can cum sit on meh without askin' permission????' AARON: YES! Of course, Skull, I can do that. SKULLY: 'THANKYEEEWWww' AARON: You're welcome! EMRE: Nirnroot alert! NIRNROOT ALERT! AARON: NEEERNROOT ALURT EMRE: ALL SENIOR CITIZENS SHOULD HAVE NIRNROOT ALERT. AARON: AAAAAAHGHHH~~! Whoa, whoa God! EMRE: Dumbass Alert. AARON: I've fallen! And I, my Nirnroot Alert...went off! Hey, that guy's, uh....he's on a treadmill. A Draugr Wright treadmill. I've heard they're pretty good. EMRE: Gotta keep that spectral heart rate up. AARON: Pffteheh. Spectral heart rate. That's what my doctor said the other day. EMRE: Mmhmm?? After he gave you your colonoscopy? AARON: No, he didn't. He said when I'm forty though, I have to get a colonoscopy. And, I'm not forty. So... Emre went to his doctor and was like, 'UHHH, I think I need a colonoscopy.' And the doctor was like, 'No, you don't need that 'til your forty'. And Emre's like, 'Nooo, I crammed so many CD's up my ass--' EMRE: CD's??? AARON: 'I NEED A COLONSCOPY!' EMRE: Yeah, you're right. Cramming CD's up your ass is a LOT worse than cramming fucking 8-tracks up your ass. AARON: EXACTLY. EMRE: Which is what you were doing. AARON, A BITTER OLD MAN: YEAH. 8-Tracks. Good one. Actually, I was cramming... Umm... Oral Storytelling up my ass. Because I'm *SO* old. AARON [like a bitchy cheerleader]: Hey, everybody! What's goin' on? What are you guys doiiiin'? That's weiiiird. What are you doiiinggg...? EMRE: Morokei! AARON: MORO-KAI! EMRE: MOROKEI! AARON: Who says it's MOORE-OH-KEY? EMRE: I do-- AARON: Why would it be pronounced MOREOKEY?! That's really...stupid. EMRE: Yeah, well, *he's* really stupid. AARON: OKIE-DOKIE, MOREOKIE. EMRE: Awh, that was TOO easy... AARON: Yeah, what a loser. What a FAT loser. Staff of Magnus? I don't want that! EEEEHhhh, guess I'll take this... And, uh, that should be good. WAAAIT... Staff of Magnus? That sounds *FAMILIAR*. I remember everybody at the college gettin' their undies in a bundle about something... EMRE: Mmnyeah, it was gonna be 'bad for business' or something? Shit like that? AARON: I thought that was called like, the Staff of... ....s-ssshhaaag...nuts... EMRE: Shag Nuts? AARON: WEeell, I better take this one just in case. I guess. But, we still have to find the Staff of Shag Nuts! EMRE: Alright. Return to TolfDUR. AARON: Oh, God... I was having so much fun...until 'Return to Tolfdir' came on the screen. EMRE: What? Who's that? OOH! IT'S ANCANO! AARON: NOOO, IS IT?? Oh! This is Estormo! This is *not* Ancano! EMRE, A RACIST: It's Ancano's twin brother! ESTORMO: I'm afraid I'll have to take that staff from you *now*. AARON: What should I kill him with? How should i *dispatch* him? EMRE: You should use one of your staffs? Those are cool. AARON: Should I use the Staff of Magnus? EMRE: OH! That'd be AWESOME! Be like, 'O-Oh, wait! *THIS* staaaff??' Hey, Estormo! AARON: YEAAAAAH! See ya later, shiiithead! EMRE: AWWWWWEESoooomme! EMRE: You look pretty cool now, with that mask on. AARON: I do, don't I? Check this out. Awww, YEAH! EMRE: You look like Iron Man! AARON: I look like a... ...FFFrog... ...Boi... EMRE: No! You know what you look like? ...You look bored. AARON: Yeah, that's true. I do look--You know what? This is an accurate representation of what I'm feeling right now. The game has finally found the mask for me. Okaaay, I gotta go back to the--OOOhhhNOOoo... EMRE: Hey, Tolfdir! AARON: HEY! This isn't as boring as I thought it was gonna be! Hey, everybody! Come on! Let's go STUDY! Stop all this foolishness! Tolfdir! What's goin' on, man? TOLFDIR: YEW SURVIIIIVEDD??? AARON: Yeah! Of course, I did. 'Where's Mirabelle'?! When the HELL did I start caring about that *jerk*? Where's that angry bitch that always like, reprimanded me?? I'm worried about her! Seems like she'd be out here! [EMRE cannot contain his giggling] AARON: What the FUCK. What, uhh...What are you doin' out here, man? Looks like it's pretty normal in there. Why don't we just go in? TOLFDIR: Ancano's power is GROWING. We can't-- AARON: Oh, Ancano? Ehhh, who cares. EMRE: Oohh, *that* guy. AARON: HEY, TOLFDIR! UH! Okay, yeah! Let's get inside, quick! [TOLFDIR lets out one last 'FAAAAASCIINNAAATING' as he is FUS RO DAH'd into Oblivion] AARON [feigning shock as ADAM and EMRE laugh at elder abuse]: Oh, shit! Oh! Uh! Bye, Tolfdir! Did you SEE that?? He just fell off the bridge! TOLFDIR [in deep slowmo]: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHSCINAAATIIIIIIIIIIiiiinnnngggg~~ SERGIUS TURRIANUS: I'll be AMAZED if any of us survive this! AARON: Yeah, me too. Especially Tolfdir. [TEEEEHEHEHEHEEAAAHHHBAHAHAHAAA] AARON: I gotta stop off in my room, everybody. I-I...you know... Gotta go tinkle. EMRE: Ah! Time to drop off some skulls! AARON: Yeah, I got a little delivery to make here. Alright, well, I just finished dropping off my load of skulls so I guess it's time to head out and then-- WHATTHE H-HOLYSHIT! TOLFDIR'S BACK, AND HE'S *PISSED*! HOLYshIIIiiitt! EMRE: How did you make it back, man?! TOLFDIR [unaffected by mortal death]: WE MUST HURRY IF WE ARE TO DEFEAT ANCANO. [AARON and EMRE cackle, amused by one old fart's determination to be a nuisance] AARON: Awwwwh, dude. I love you. Tolfdir's like, 'YUP. You can fuckin' knock me three miles off a cliff--I'll be back in like twenty seconds!' What, now you're gonna *FIST FIGHT*?? I thought you had the flames out before! EMRE: He does look pretty friggin' ridiculous. AARON: I think he used to be a pugilist in his earlier days. EMRE: And, *NOW* he's just insane. AARON: Fights for money. Alright, man. Well. I like your attitude. Let's do this. Ancano, you don't stand a chance! Not with Tolfdir's FISTS and my SKULLS! ANCANO: YEWWW THINK I *CAN'T* DESTROY YEWWWWW?!?! AARON: I don't think so, no. ANCANO: POWAH TO *UNMAKE* ZA WARUDO AT MAH FINGERTIPS! AARON: Uh-huh. ANCANO: BUT, YEWWW THINK YOU CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?!?! AARON: Oh, I dunno. I guess? Maybe. Holy shit! Dude! Relax! Why did you do that?! EMRE: I think he might have hit his head on the way down. AARON [cracking up]: Gawwhahah...I think something bad *did* happen to him! EMRE: Uhoh! Whoa! What did he just do?! AARON: OH, SHIT! Did you just kill Tolfdir?!? EMRE: WHOOhohoho! AARON: DUDE! THANK YOU! Oh, my God! He's fuckin' already rigor mortized! What, are you tryin' ta fist fight me? What a *loser*! EMRE [missing his grampy]: TOLFDIR! AARON: What's with the sudden obsession with pugilism around here?? What's he got now? Awwwh, just a bunch of *crap*! GROSS! I wish I wouldn't have done that! UUUGGGGGGHHhhhhh! GAAAHHD! So, uhhh, what do we do now?? Wanna go play, uhhh, 'pushy off the cliffy'? ...Lil bit more? TOLFDIR: I don't KNOW. AARON: AW, COME ON! EMRE: He's got mixed feelings about that. AARON: I think he kind of enjoyed it. Speak... With... Yellow nuts. QUOROMIR YELLOW NUTS: Your victory here justifies our belief in you. AARON [as ol shitty face yellow nuts]: 'IIIIM HERE TO WRAP THINGS UP IN THE MOST *BORIIING* WAY POSSIBLE!' 'Just wanted to let you know that weeeee....love you'. 'If you ever need anything...whores, money....some coffee...' '*I'LL* give it to you!' AARON [normal]: What do we do now? QUORONIR: The Eye has grown unstable. It *MUST* be secured! Ancano's actions prove that the world is not ready for such a thing! AARON: Oh! QUORONIR: We shall safeguard it. AARON: Okay... QUORNIR: For now... AARON: You just go ahead and take it. EMRE: Y-Yeah, you-- AARON: It's all your's man. EMRE: Just *let* these guys have the...? AARON: Yeah, I trust this guy. Why not? TOLFDIR: You've done it! The college is safe again, thanks to your work! AARON: OHOOyeah! TOLFDIR: There's *NO ONE* more deserving to be Archmage, in my opinion. AARON [not so shocked]: WUUUTTT, meeeee??? WHOOOOOOO, MEEEeeee?? EMRE: So, does this mean that you...*graduated*? AARON: I guess? Aren't you gonna give me a *hat* or something? Diploma, maybe? No. He's just like, 'Yeah, you're the Archmage. Uhmm. Everyone else is pretty much DEAD or...STUPID. Soooo...' I really think *TOLFDIR* would be a better Archmage than *ME*. EMRE: You'd think! AARON: He finds all this shit fascinating. Whereas, I DO NOT. OOOOOOOoooo! All spells cost 15% less to cast, plus 50--THIS is my diploma! HAI! I'm the Archmage! Do you like it here at MY college? Wait, I can take her as my *companion*?? [EMRE lets out a shiver of perversion] OOOoOoOooOooo! AARON: Brelynaaaa Maryonnn. Maybeh you and I have a *future*? BRELYNA: Lead the way! AARON: Oh, yeah. Now we're talkin'. EMRE: Let's go talk to Enthir. Let's see if everything's bad for business still. AARON: Okay. EMRE: HEEEEY, ENTHIR! AARON: ENTHIR! Everything should be *GOOD* for business now, right? FRIEND?? UHM. I'm the *ARCHMAGE* and you have something of Onmund's and he wants it back. ENTHIR: OOOOoohmyyy... AARON: I'm the Archmage. ENTHIR: Howwww *PRECIOUS*. AARON: It's in everyone's BEST INTERESTS if you return the amulet, PERSUADE? ENTHIR: I'm not concerned with *everyone's* best interests! I find that I'm only concerned with my own. AARON: I'm the Archmage ENTHIR [really doesn't care]: Look at how PERSISTENT you are. AARON: YEAH! I'm the ArchMAAAAGE! People just, uhh...I don't get *any* respect! EMRE: No. AARON: I showed up at college, seven days later I'm the Archmage-- COME ON! Give me some fuckin' respect here, people! ENTHIR: LOOK. I traded a staff to someone and found out later that was a bad idea! So, I'd like the staff BACK. AARON: I'll get the fuckin' staff for ya. ENTHIR: FINALLY! We have an agreement! AARON: YEAH! The agreement is that I get the staff, and then I stick it *ALLLL* the way up your butt! Great! We have a deal! Did you see *that*? I'm the ARCHMAGE, and he just fuckin' treated me like a TURD! I need you to do something. BRELYNA: Alright. What is it? AARON: You see him? Get 'em. BRELYNA: Can't do that! Sorry! AARON: WHAT?! I told you to ATTACK him! I'm the ARCHMAGE!! I'M THE ARCHMAGE, BITCH!! BRELYNA: Anything else?? EMRE: Jesus... AARON: NO! No! If you're not gonna do what I *tell* you to do, then what's the POINT?! EMRE: Yeah! If you can't get people to KILL other people for NO reason, what's the POINT of being the Archmage?! AARON: What a nightmaaare... Fuck this... I gotta go get the staff for this *sack of shit*. I hate this college so much. I don't wanna live in it I can't take this anymore. HERE WE GO! AAAAAAAAEHHHHHHENDITALLLLLL!! OOOH, GAWHD! I couldn't even kill myself! I thought it was gonna be so great! They'd be like, 'OHH, THE NEW ARCHMAGE! H-HE! HE JUMPED OFF THE EDGE OF THE...BUILDING!' 'Our hiring process really just seems flawed'! 'Especially if the new Archmage, as soon as he's made Archmage, jumps off a cliff'! 'T-That's bad for business'! ♫ EPIC FUS RO DAH MUSIC ♫ AARON: Well, I guess I should just rush back up and run over to Tolfdir. And, he'll be like, 'WOW. I thought you committed suicide!' Be like, 'NOPE! I'm just as cool as you, man!' EMRE: I wonder how many children when they were growing up... Their parents were like, 'What do you wanna BE, Billy? When you grow up?' AARON [with his shitty little brat voice]: Wheeen I grow up, I waaaanna BEEEE...the ARCHMAGE of a COLLEGE. AAAnd have eeeveryoneeee treat me like NOTHING. WHOA, HEY! What's happenin', man?! I just wanna hangout! I'm the Archmage of this college! You wanna come and be a part of it?? It's pretty fun! We'll cast some spells, have a few beers-- Maybe, we'll--Nevermind. ...Why don't they ever listen? EMRE: I think you need to work on your recruitment strategies. AARON: HEEEEY! ANYBODY WANNA JOIN THE COLLEGE OF WINTERFELL?? IN SEVEN DAYS, YOU CAN BE THE ARCHMAGE! How about you, Ascendant Necromancer??? Oh! Ow! Hey... I guess I should have just sent him a pamphlet in the mail... EMRE: Nobody likes it when you just *show up* at their house. AARON [aghast]: NOooo! Shalidor's *INSIGHTS*... EMRE: Hey! Those are the writings you need. Hoooraaaay...... AARON: Awwh, what?? I gotta talk to YOU-RAHG? EMRE: That was *stupid*. AARON: First recruitment attempt? A failure. But, I feel like Berfrailleeyah [Brelyna] and I learned something about each other. We learned that we *both* like to cast Flame Atronachs. So, we've got something in common. EMRE: Yeah. AARON: It could--This could develop into something *good*. EMRE: A *serious* relationship, perhaps? BRELYNA: Look at THAT! AARON: What?! BRELYNA THE DIM: A cave! Who *knows*what could be down there?! [OWL HOOTS] AARON: Uhhh... Okaaay...I've just suddenly lost interest in *you*. Completely. You've got the most beautiful...bloodshot... Sickly...EEEYES... EMRE: Saggy... AARON: Oh, my GOD... Was I really just talking about a *relationship* with...*BRELYNA*?? EMRE: Oohh, you must have been drunk. AARON: Oh, my God, I don't know what came over me... Wow! Did you get hurt? Do you have a concussion?? Alright! We need to go back to the college. Hun. Gonna get you back to the college, right away. This might be it for *her* as my companion. [EMRE and ADAM continue to drown in their delight of AARON'S disgust] EMRE: Say *one* stupid thing, and you're done. AARON: Yeah, one strike and you're out! AARON: Drevis Neloren??? Who the Hell's that? DREVIS NELOREN: YOU! You can *SEE* me?! AARON: Uh... ...I'm the Archmage? Is there any college business that *I*, the Archmage, can assist with? DREVIS [condescending]: There *may* be a matter in which your...'skills'...could be useful. The various points of focus-- AARON: UH! We're having a conversation! BUDDY! Go look for your toupee, loser! We're busy! Yeah, okay, I'll help. I'm *only* the Archmage... Cleanse the focal points...? EMRE: *THAT'S* a new set of adjectives and nouns. AARON [sighing with utmost discontent]: Cleanse the fuckin--OKAY. He just asked me to go be the fuckin' janitor! Is this a *CLASS*?? Is *this* what classes are at this school?! Are you in this *CLASS*?! What are you doing here?! AARON [sounding more and more distraught]: UHH, hey! Can somebody clean this up, PLEAAAASE??? He's just *LYING* here naked! This college is a fucking NIGHTMARE! AARON [voice breaking]: EVERYONE'S A FUCKING LUNATIC! This is all a big trick, isn't it? Archmage is actually not the leader of the school--He's the JANITOR! They've made me the official JANITOR of the school and they just go, 'OH, YEAH! You're the Archmage! Yeah, yeah!' 'Uhhh, go cleanse these focal points!' 'Uhmmm, now go clean out the, uhhh, magical toilets!' URAG: I'll take what I can get. AARON: Shuddup. I found more of Shalidor's work. URAG [oddly excited but still angry]: EXCELLENT!! I'LL START TRANSLATING IT! Shouldn't take me more than a day or two. AARON: Uhhh, have you made any progress since two seconds ago? URAG: I only just got my *hands* on it... I can only work so quickly. AARON: HURRY UP! The *nerve* of that guy! A-Are you paying attention? BRELYNA! Oveeeer heeeeere-- Yeah. Alright. Let's head out. Brelyna definitely has a head injury of some sort. Did you see the way she was staring off into the distance, like I don't even *exist*? Whooowowoww. HEEEEYYYY, Brelynnaaaa...You wanna come and get in the bed? Look, it's a double-bed, honeyyyy... EMRE: Can you--Can you command her to sleep in the bed? AARON WEINSTEIN: I WANT YOU TO SLEEP IN THIS BED AND HAVE SEX WITH ME! BRELYNA: Okay! Got it! AARON: Oh, yeah. Here we go, here we go. Okay, now, I'mma sleep in the bed too! BRELYNA: Okay! Go it! AARON: N...No, I said... Wait... ...Sex is really complicated in Skyrim. EMRE: There ya go. AARON: Yeah, I got her! I GOT HER! OOHH! OH!! UUUGGGH! EMRE: OOOHYEaah! AARON: OOOHHHH, you were MAGNIFICIENT! BRELYNA: We heading out? AARON: Yeah, you wanna make some eggs? BRELYNA: I'll just be here then... AARON: No, can you go make some eggs? EMRE: There's that head injury again. AARON: I did take advantage of a girl with a head injury. I feel a *little* bad... But, ya know, you gotta get what you can at this college. EMRE: Like to see you go to like a bar and try and up some chicks. EMRE [as a jockstrap douchenut]: 'YEAAAH, I'm the Archmage of the College of the WinterHOOOOlldd'. AARON: 'It's no big deal, you know? I just cleanse focal points and, uh, fetch books.' EMRE: 'PICK UP DEAD BODIES'. ADAM FROM THE ETHER: 'Fuck people'. EMRE: 'YA KNOW, Archmage STUFF'. AARON: 'It's pretty kewl. Heeey, uh, do you have a head injury??' [BOYISH GIGGLING ALL AROUND] EMRE: OOOOH, so *these* are the things that need cleaning! AARON: Oh, I guess I gotta wear the *Mystic Tuning Gloves*... I'm pretty sure this is actually like a piss pot that I just cleaned... Take these, uh, you know... EMRE: *MYSTICAL* gloves. AARON: And clean the *MYSTIC*.........focal point. EMRE: Why does it smell like shiiiit? AARON: What's dat weird smell coming outta this?? EMRE: No! That's the smell of *MAGIC*! AARON: Oh, is that what magic smells like?? You know, if you turned this statue around and had him point the other direction... He'd be blastin' out his ass, right at this! I think there's a connection there. OOOhhh, sheeeit! A draygun! Come 'n git meeeeee! EMRE: HOW'D YOU MISS?! AARON: It was hard. It was very hard. EMRE: Nice! AARON: Pest Exterminated! AARON: HEYAAA, CAN SOMEBODY CLEAN THIS--Ohhh. It's *me*, isn't it? EMRE: It's your job. AARON: I have to clean this. Ughhh... EMRE: Ohhugh, mahn... AARON: Stinky! [CUE THE WILD JAZZY THEME FOR FAILING AND FAILING AGAIN TO CLEAN UP A DRAGON CORPSE] [ONE DAY THEY'LL GET THERE, FOLKS] [ANY SECOND NOW] [A DEEP INHALE OF ANTICIPATION] AARON and EMRE: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAHAHAHAAHAaaaha!! AARON: It took a little effort, but I got 'em outta there. EMRE: You gotta take pride in your work! AARON: Your, uhh, focal points have been...ugh...cleansed? DREVIS: YAS! THEY HAVE! I can *feel* the difference already! AARON: Yeah...Mn, me too. Can *you* clean *my* focal points now, please? Alright. Uh, where is my companion? EMRE: You told her to go make eggs, and then left. AARON: Ahhahh, I did! I'm such an asshole. She's old news now that we've *DONE IT*. EMRE: MORVAAATH'S LAAAIR. AARON: Morvath's Laaaair! Oh, it's too bad whats-her-name isn't here. She'd be like, 'There's a CAAAAAAve hereeee!' 'Who KNOWSSS what's INSIDE?!' Oh, we're in a vampire's cave. EMRE: OOOoOoOOo. AARON: How exciting. Where's the party?! HEEeeeeyyyyuhhh, I heard there was a party in here??? Cool! Let's party! OOOOOhhhh...shit. WHOOOOAAAH! WELL! They must have had *quite* a party in here! EMRE: Yeah, they're all passed out! AARON: Hey! We don't have any vampires at the college! You guys, uhh, ever think about joining a magic college? EMRE: Lemme show you some of the things you could *learn* at the College of Magic! AARON: You can learn such spells as... FIREBALL. DOUUUBLE-FISTED FIREBALL. EMRE: BALL of FIRE. AARON: FLAAAMING Ball. SPHERE...of flames. EMRE: And then, if you're of Mexican heritage-- AARON: Ball de Fuego. Grand Staff of Charming? Oh, I already have one of *those*. EMRE and AARON: MNNHEEHEHEEHURHURHURHURHRHEHHMMHNNnnnmn! AARON: OH, HO, HO! I crack myself up! Ah, yeah, the Staff of Charming. I gotta go give that to Enthir the Douchebag. ENTHIR: I'm quite *PLEASED* that we're back to business as usual! AARON: Yeah, I *bet* you're pleased! *I* did that, you know! You could have done me a fucking favor and not made me go find this staff halfway across the world! But, NO, you're like just--'NOPE, GO FIND IT! YEH DOUCHEBAG ARCHMAGE!' Here's your staff, you FUCKING asshole! Now I'd like the amulet, you FUCKING asshole, please! FUCKING ASSHOLE? ENTHIR: Pleasure doing business with you. AARON: SHUDDUP! You're *such* an asshole... HEY! Wake the FUCK up, Onmund! I got your stupid shit! ONMUND: Thanks to you, the people of Skyrim will continue to have a place to study magic! ...Even if most of them resent you for it. AARON: What? Why do they *RESENT* me for it?! Here's your stupid amulet, you bitch! ONMUND: Aha! I *didn't* think he'd really give it back! Thank you, friend! AARON: Yeah, he *didn't*. I had to go travel across the world to get him something to trade for it! ONMUND: I better get going! AARON: Yeah, you *better* get going! Okay, check this out. 'I better get going!' [AARON MAKING SNORTY SNORING NOISES] Just fucking goes to bed. EMRE: 'Yeah, yeah! I'm right in the middle of something, hold on...Yeah, I gotta let you go.' AARON: What a jerk! Okay, dude? I put like SEVENTY skulls in there. First of all, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MAH ROOOOOOOM?! TOLFDIR: What are you doing that for? AARON: Because you're sitting in *my chair*! Look at that! He was just sitting on all my skulls! The Hell is wrong with you?? EMRE [so brokenhearted]: They're probably all crushed! AARON: *NOW* sit down, loser. Come on, go ahead. No! PLEASE! BE MY GUEST! J'ZARGO: A Khajiit feels warmness-- AARON: Wait a minute...Is that J'Zargo? EMRE: Ah! Let's see him sit! WWWWWWhaaat? AARON [annoyed]: Okay... HERE! Feel free! HERE! Have *another* one! Here! There ya go! Why dontcha just have some more? Take ALL my skulls, please! *I* don't care! EMRE: Whoooa...It's like...*part* of him now. AARON:...Jesus, what a weirdo... EMRE: WHOAH-- AARON: YEAH! Just throw 'em all over the place! I don't care! J'ZARGO: Khajiit are not known as mages! AARON: Shut up! Shut up. OOHH, yeah. This is where I live. This is not bad. EMRE:..Yeah, it's okay. AARON: I think there's more in this world for Crotch Guzzler than just being... The Archmage Janitor. Hey! Look who's waiting for me at my bed! BRELYNA: We heading out?? AARON: Ahhh, no. I need you to do something. BRELYNA: Alright. What is it? AARON: Oh, I think you know what it is... [HEEEHEHEHURHURHURHAHHHAA] BRELYNA: Okay! Got it! AARON: Yeah, let's do it. ♫ BRELYNA: It's a *fine* day with you around! AARON: Well, thaaank you! She wants it. She always wants it. EMRE: She does--BUT, she's dumb as a doorknob. AARON: Yeaaah... You know, you're great Brelyna but, uhmm-- BRELYNA: I think my parents reserved a spot for me here at the college on the day I was born! AARON: I'm sure they did, and you can stay here because I'm *leaving*. UHHHmm... You and I, uh, you know-- [BRELYNA blithering on off-screen] AARON: It's--What the *fuck*?? I was trying to break up with her and she just like, took off! Uh! Brelyna! Listen to me for a second. Heh, heh. I-Interested in me, are you? BRELYNA [bashfully]: W-Well, yes! Why wouldn't I be? Are you... ...Interested in me? AARON: Uh, no. BRELYNA: Oh... ...I'm sorry I said anything, then... AARON: Yeah. A-Actually, uh, we're breaking up? [BRELYNA cannot fathom rejection] Uh, Brelyna? Come here. Brelyyynna??? UHHH. It's not you, it's *me*. UHHH. I'm moving on. I'm going somewhere else now. I don't wanna be the Archmage at this college anymore... Umm, you're really...disgusting and ugly... Sex with you is like having sex with...a dead animal. AAAaannd... Uh, I dunno? I'm trying to be polite here. UMMM. So, w-we're done! We're *finished*, Brelyna. I need to find someone *different*. Someone... ...Not you. BRELYNA: I better get going... AARON: Okay. It was nice...fucking you? These college breakups are so weird and hard. EMRE: Mhm. AARON: Ya know? I-I just, I dunno what to say. EMRE: I *think* you handled that one well. AARON: I-I guess so? It was my first *real* breakup, so... I dunno. I hope she will be alright... You know, Emre? I graduated from college. I became the Archmage, that was my graduation. EMRE: Yeah. Ya know, I mean, there's nothing left to do, really. I'm just...like, I cleaned up the place. I broke up with my girlfriend. It's time for me to move on. EMRE: There is *one* thing you still have to do. AARON: What's that? EMRE: Graduation party. AARON: Yeah. I need a party. And, I think... That I know where the party is. EMRE: OOOoooo! Party in the big citeh! AARON: YEAAAAH! To get to this party, I have to go through, uhh...s-some, some bullshit. But, it's gonna be a good party. EMRE: Oh, like RVSPing? And, you know, buying the booze? AARON: Yeah. You know, I gotta talk to the right *people* aaaand, you know...I gotta make sure I can get in. *GOOD* party. I don't want just...I don't want just like, *ANY* party. I want like a reaaally, upper-crust cool party. So, let's see...I think I gotta talk to this guy. MALBORN: Need something? AARON: Yes. I gotta talk to you, Mallborn. Our mutual friend, uhhh... J-Jimmy Lumpkin? Sent me? MALBORN: *REALLY*?? AARON: Yup! MALBORN: *YOU'RE* who she picked?! AARON: Oh, I mean, uh-- J-Jenny Lumpkin. What kinda thing should I bring? MALBORN: You're asking ME?? AARON: To the party? *YEAH*! You look like a partier. MALBORN: I'd bring whatever you need to move *quietly* and *kill* quickly. EMRE: HUH... AARON: What kinda party is this?! EMRE: Oh, I've been to one of *these* parties! See when he says KILL, he means...like, *kill* like, uh... SOCIALLY. AARON: OOOh, so I gotta be 'dressed to kill'. EMRE: Yeah! Absolutely! AARON: Yeaaah, okay. I get it. MALBORN: You ready yet? AARON: Uh, no! I just have to go get a nice outfit for the party! I'll be right back. I need something reaaaally sexy for a party. Whaddya got? ENDARIE: Breeches. Gowns. Clothes for *any* occasion, really. EMRE: Gross. AARON: Where's the PARTY outfit?? How 'bout like, a toga? EMRE: That'd be cool. AARON: These boots are kinda nice. OOOoohh! College robes? Fuck no. EMRE: He's the Archmage. AARON: I'm so done with college. I'm the Archmage. Check me out. EMRE: Mmmm! Yeaaah! AARON: This is good party-wear. What I've got here? I'm good. I'm ready to go. MALBORN: You ready yet?! I need to get back before I'm missed! AARON: Okay! I'm ready! EMRE: Oh, you gotta give him whatever you want him to smuggle in for ya. AARON: I wanna have a *fun* time at this party. How 'bout this? Can you take this? EMRE: Uhh, yeah? AARON: Maybe you should take these in for me. EMRE: Okay. Just in case. AARON: OOOOH, what *else* do I need? EMRE: Do you have, like, a beer bong? That'd be fun. AARON: I got a basket? I-I'm gonna make sure he takes this basket. EMRE [uncertain laughter]: OOOhhhkayy? AARON: Make sure that BASKET gets to the party! I'm gonna need that! Uhhh, it was nice meeting you, Malborn. Yeah... Hm. Wow. Quite the personality, that guy. DELPHINE: Have you given Malborn the gear you want to smuggle into the embassy? AARON: Yeah, yeah. I took care of it. Ohhh, yeah! This is it, baby! EMRE: WOO! You're moving up in the world! AARON: I'm gonna celebrate my graduation from college in *STYLE*! DELPHINE: Put this on. AARON: PARTY BOOTS?! PARTY CLOTHES?! EMRE: AAAWHH! AARON: I didn't need to buy any of that shit! Why'd you waste my time, asshole? EMRE: I didn't *know* she was going to give you clothes!! AARON: Goddammit... Okay, chicken. Check this shit out. Look at me. Yeah! I'm ready for a party! You like that? OH! SHIT! He loves it! Well, I'm glad I have *your* approval. I'm ready, Delphine! Keep the rest of my things safe for me, 'kay? EMRE: Party time, EXCELLENT! AARON: Crotch Guzzler's WOOrrrld, paaarteh tiiiime--EXCELLEEEENT! EMRE: PARTEH ON, CROOOOTCH. AARON: PARTY ON... BITCH. This is where the party is! I can't wait! This is going to be so fun! ...Is he wearing the same shirt as me? Oh, thank God! OHMYGOD! EMRE: Actually, if you *had* shown up with your other outfit-- AARON, A TEENAGE GIRL: OHmyGAHD. I'm so glad I didn't wear that other shirt! It would have been the same as Razelan! This is gonna be a fun party! EMRE: Hope there's some hot chicks here! AARON: Yeah! Oh, shit! ELENWEN: Welcome! AARON: Haaai! ELENWEN: I don't *believe* we've met. AARON: Noo, we haven't. ELENWEN: I am Elenwen. AARON: My name is Crotch Guzzler. *PLEAAASED* to meet you! ELENWEN: Aaah, yes... I remember your name from the guest list... AARON: I'm surprised. EMRE: Which part stuck out the most? CROTCH or GUZZLER? AARON: Hey, Malborn! Do ya have my stuff? MALBORN: Let's hope we both *live* through this day. AARON [oblivious]: Yeah, me too. This is gonna be a good party, right buddy? EEHEHEHEHE. AARON: Uh. Wow. There's like, two people at this party. EMRE: Well, ya know...The night is still young. Maybe everyone else is just... Fashionably late? AARON: Who is the *most* eligible ladeh at this partyeh? Hey, babeh. Are you... a lady? It looks like it... EMRE: MMyeah, Those are boobs. DEFINITELY A LADY THALMOR SOLDIER: We're not *supposed* to talk to the guests. AARON: Awh...well, you're no fun. EMRE: Well, heeey! Let's talk to that blonde chick right there. AARON [stricken with horror]: OOOhhMAHGOD. EMRE: Wha--OOOoohhhahahaha! AARON: UHHH! Wow! Okay. So far, ladies at this party? *NOT* super exciting... Illdi! AARON: HEEEELLO! ILLDI: These parties are a great way to earn a little extra money! AARON:...You're not a guest, are you? [still trying] I'm the Archmage. ILLDI: I hope you are enjoying the music, Sir! AARON: No. No, you stopped playing. [EXASPERATED SIGH] EMRE: Hey, there's a fine piece of ass. Sitting down eatin' some bread. AARON: UHHH, okay? What did you just say, Emre?? EMRE: OhGAWHD! AARON: Yeah. EMRE: NEVERMIND! AARON: *This* is what you said was a *FINE PIECE OF ASS*. EMRE [excuses, excuses]: She looks better from far away! JARL IDGRAD RAVENCRONE: THUR ARE WORDS SPOKEN 'N WORDS UNSPOKEN! EMRE: I wish I had 'unspoken' those words!! AARON: It's too late! Is there any women, like hidden away? Behind the walls or something? ERIKUR: The great war of long past! It's time-- EMRE [groaning]: OOOh, GOD. This guy just wants to talk about POLITICS. AARON: What are you looking at? Stop staring at me! EMRE: OOoo...He's checking you out. AARON: Well, you know what? He's a lot hotter than any of the women at this party. This is the *WORST* party I've ever been to! Whose idea was it to come to this pile of shit? ELENWEN: Do enjoy yourself! AARON: I WON'T! You didn't invite *anyone* that's fun to party with! This is the shittiest party I've EVER been to! Where's the beer? Come on. Gimme some booze. Oh, my God. Wh... Apple pie? What kinda fucking party is this?! Gimme some of this! BRELAS: I hope you are enjoying yourself. AARON: HEY! What happened to the--I'D LIKE A DRINK! BRELAS: Here ya go, Sir! Colovian brandy! AARON: Colombian brandy? EMRE: Wow. I didn't know they had that. AARON: I'd like another drink. BRELAS: I'm sorry, but I think you've had enough for the night. AARON: No, NO, I haven't! No. More! OHGAWHD. EMRE: What kinda party does *anybody* say, 'I'm sorry but I think you've had enough'? AARON: Yeah! After ONE drink! EMRE: YEAH! AARON: Like, yup! One drink at *this* party and you're done! AARON [suddenly very drunk]: FUCK DIS PARTY! WHO WANTS DIS FUCKIN' SWEET ROLL?! FUCK YEW GUYS!! I'M WASTED! I HAD THAT ONE DRINK! IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME! I DUNNO WHATS HAPPENING ANY MORE! UUGGH! OHGAHD! IMSOWASTEDDD! Awwwhgawhd! This party's so dull! [PAINFUL GROANING WHILE EMRE CHUCKLES] AARON: OHYEAAAH, I'MMA DANCE ON THIS TABLE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!! YEAAAH, RAVENCRONE! COME 'N DANCE WITH MEH! COME ON, BABEH! Come on. HERE. HAVE SUM FUCKIN' BREAD. HAVE SUM MOAR BREAD! Have some more bread, you piece of shit! You like bread?! Eat it! Eat it! Eat this bread! Eat it! SUCK IT! OH! She takes out her OWN bread! She don't like MY bread--She's gotta eat her OWN bread! Screw you! I HATE ALL OF YOU! Let's get outta here! Wanna ditch this place? RAZELAN: What's a fellow need to do to get a drink around here?? AARON: Yeah, that's a good question! They only gave me ONE. Here, you can have mine. RAZELAN: AAAAHH! The ONE generous soul amongst a gathering of pinch-pennies and LICKspittles!!! AARON: YEAAAAH. There is a LOT of lickspittles here. [EMRE FINALLY BREAKS] AARON: I noticed that immediately. Ya know, actually, there *is* something you could do for me... UHH, I need you to cause a scene...maybe burn some things? Uhhhh, you know, light this guard on fire? UMMM. You know. Stab some people? RAZELAN: IZ THAT AAAALL?? AARON: Yup! RAZELAN: Mah friend! You've come to the right person! AARON: Yeah! Do it, buddy! Come on! Get some excitement going at this party! Alright! Well! I'm blowing this party! This is a fuckin' joke! I'm outta here. MALBORN [whispering]: Alright, let's go! Let's go! AARON: Alright. Let's go, Malborn. I guess me and Malborn are gonna get it on. Oh, thank god! My basket! EMRE: AAALRIGHT! Now it's time for a REAL party! AARON: Yeah, now let's start the party... RIGHT. Hey, what's happenin'? Oh, excuse me. Whoops. OHHH, yeah! Now this party's more fun! Now there's some people on fire. I'll just summon my own fun. Crotch Guzzler's Flame Atronach. Yeaaah! Dance for me! DANCE! WISE MAN EMRE: You know what they say... If there isn't a hot chick at a party, make one yourself. AARON: It's what they said in Weird Science. [AARON and EMRE giggle over their own references] EMRE: CHECK THIS OUT! AARON: YEAAAH! EMRE: That does a *lot* a damage. AARON: I *stormed* his *ice*. YEAH! Now we're talkin'! EMRE: Ain't a real party until ya get in a fight. AARON: Oookaay, where do I have to gooo? Down in some sort of basement? EMRE: OH! This must be where the *REAL* party is! AARON: YEAH! I see. That was just a front. EMRE: Everybody was OLD. You know what it was?? That was the party for the real guests' PARENTS. AARON: AAAAH, right! So, down here's where there's going to be all kinds of...wwwrithing maidens and...CLUB MUSIC...and... EMRE: Torture devices. AARON: Torture devices? EMRE: Blood? AARON: Ohh! This is not where the party is! Heeey, uh, what's happenin'? ETIENNE RARNIS: I told you...I don't know anything else about it! AARON: WHERE IS THE PARTY?! Tell me where the fucking party is, Etienne RAWRnis! ETIENNE: W-What?? AARON: PARTY. ETIENNE: WUT. AARON: Alright, *fine*. Tell ya what. I'm gonna let you go but then you got to tell me where a cool party is! [SHRIEKS OF PAIN] ETIENNE: Sure... Hey! Stop it! EMRE: I-Is that dude ok?? AARON: He's fiiiine. See? Let's go to that party! You said you'd tell me... EMRE: He looks a *little* upset. AARON: Eh, RAWRnis? Heeey, RAWRnis? What are you doing? Where are you going? You said, you'd tell me! Aw, Jesus. He thinks I attacked him. EMRE: Wait! I-Is that your friend? AARON: OH, SHIT! MALBORN! EMRE: AAhahahaooohh! AARON: OH, NO! They killed you! EMRE: Naww, he's just passed out! AARON: Oh, yeah. You're right! He got really drunk, I bet. EMRE: Yeah, he must have had that *second* drink. AARON: NO, no--There's no way. He must have *stole* it then...cuz that was the only way to get it. Alright, Malborn. Come on. We gotta-- This is disgraceful, just leaving you at the top of the stairs like that. Here. EMRE: Oh! AARON: Theeere we go! That's more like it! UHHH. Emre? I think we just found the party. EMRE: Is this a rave? AARON: This guy is reaaally good at breakdancing. Check this shit out. EMRE: WOW! I can't even tell what he's doing--he's that quick! I wonder if we can find some Fus-Ro-Dubstep. AARON [laughing]: F-Fus...Fus Ro Dubstep? [CUE THE SICK ASS FUS RO DUBSTEP GRANTED TO THE BOYS BY THE GODS] ♫ AARON: WELL! That party was reaaaally dumb. Some pretty cool dubsteppin' going on but like, besides that....? I mean, ONE DRINK?! ONE. DRINK. EMRE: Usually it's a one drink *minimum*. AARON: YEAH. They have a one drink *maximum* at that fucking party. Those people have no tolerance. EMRE: NONE. AARON: Must be ELVES. High Elves have like, z...a half a drink and their totally off their ass. EMRE: That was the ONE thing about the Lord of the Rings that bothered me. Was when Legolas was able to fuckin' out drink Gimli. T-That was a little stupid...anyways... AARON: Elves apparently have magical livers. EMRE [weezing]: Yeah! AARON: Absorb ENDLESS amounts of alcohol. EMRE: YEAH! I-It's, It's that magical organ that allows them to walk on fuckin' snow without...ya know, bothering it. AARON: Fuck this! Time to get some drinks! I'm gonna go to The Bannered Mare. And, I'm gonna have... More than *one* drink. Alright! I need a drink! What do ya got for me, honey? SAM GUEVENNE: *YOU* look like somebody who can hold their liquor. AARON: Excuse me? SAM: How 'bout a *friendly contest* to win a staaaff...? AARON: Ehhhh, are you suggesting that I participate in a drinking contest with you, Sam Guinevere? HEHEHEHEE! Wait a minute! It said G-GwenVEER up there, and it says GweVEEN right down here! It was different! His name was different. EMRE: NOOO. No, it wasn't. AARON: No, it was! It was! Check this out. SAM. GUENVERE. ...Okay? EMRE: WHAAAAT?? AARON: And yet, he's telling me his name is Sam GueVEEENNE. Gwevin. EMRE: SAM GUEVENNE? AARON: Guenvere or Guenvenne? What is it? SAM, IF THAT'S EVEN HIS REAL NAME: Maybeh yer juss arent' UP to the CHALLENGE... AARON: Okay, I really do need a drink now. Let's do this. EMRE: You need to drink until his name makes sense. AARON: Yeah, exactly. I wonder how many more times it'll change. A DRINKING CONTEST?? YOU don't stand a chance, my friend! 'Cause I can drink upwards of TWO beverages! SAM: This is a *SPECIAL* brew...very strong stuff. AARON: MMM! SAM [oddly sinister]: Let's git started! AARON: Alright. SAM [now speaking over tribal drums]: I'll start round one...Down the hatch! AARON: Oh! They've started the drums in the background. This *is* exciting. SAM: Your turn! AARON: Okay... EMRE: You should find somebody to do body shots off of. AARON: YEAAAAH! Let's do body shots off of Sam Guinevere! SAM: One down, my friend! One down! AARON: YEAAAAH! YEAH! THAT'S ENOUGH! CUT ME OFF! SAM: And 'nother one for meeee... AARON [laughing]: Cut me off! I've had too many! ATTENTION SEEKING BARD: This is an ode to Skyrim's staunch protectors! [NO ONE CARES] AARON: Shuddup... Good job, man! EMRE: You missed it! W-What if he didn't even take that drink?! AARON: Ahaaaohgawd, I'm so wasted! I'm not even paying attention. A second drink...? Are you crazy?! SAM: So says YOU! I think I've hit my limit on these things... AARON [skeptical]: REALLY. SAM: Tell ya what...ONE more, and you win the contest. AARON: O-Kaaay. One more! No problemesh! SAM: WOOOOOWWW. You've really done it! AARON: Yes, I drank three b-beers. EMRE: NICE. AARON: Can you *believe* that shit? UHHH. I'm lookin' for a thash grape? Do you have any? Is that a kinda fruit? EMRE: No, no. You don't understand. You're drunk and you're slurring your-- AARON: OH! I'm drunk? A-After three? I don't think so. I... I do a show called 'Beer and Board Games', Sam. So, I would *NEVER* be drunk after three beers. SAM: HEEEY. You don't LOOK sooo GOOD... EMRE: WELL, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?? AARON: I...don't know? PRIESTESS SENNA: WAKE UP!! AARON: The fuck...? VERY ANGRY SENNA: That's right! It's take to wake up, you drunken blasphemer! AARON: HOLY SHIT! That shit was poisoned! EMRE: He slipped a roofie in your drinks! AARON: He slipped a fuckin' roofie in my drink, Seena! Senna! UHMM. I'm sorry, Senna? I don't remember how I got here, honey. SENNA: OH. I'd *love* to help you figure it out. AARON: I shouldn't call her honey. That's chauvinistic. EMRE: It is. AARON: I'm sorry. SENNA: If you were to help tidy up and perhaps apologize afterwards... I *might* be able to help you. AARON: Tidy up? Tidy up--WHOA. Ohooho! What kinda temple is *this*? YEAAAH. I'm gonna 'tidy up' right here. For about five minutes. Uhhh, Emre? Can you excuse me for a minute? EMRE: NO. I'm not leaving the room *again*. AARON: AWHHH, come on- EMRE: I know what you *do* when I leave. NO. AARON [quietly]: Shiiit... I gotta clean this place up so, uhmmm, like...what does she mean? Just like, throw some stuff around on the floor? [FUUUUS!!] EMRE: There ya go! AARON: That what you're lookin' for, Senna? Sooo, uhhh, you remember if I said anything when I got here? Did I say anything about like, my pants being removed...my anus, being touched? ...In ways that I didn't want? SENNA: You did say something about Rorikstead. Maybe you should take a look *there*? AARON: Alright, well, I apologized. I'm outta here. I *know* that guy...roofied me. And had his way with me... EMRE THE VICTIM BLAMER: You can't totally blame him, though. You're not *blameless* because you *definitely* looked away, you know... AARON: Y-Yeah, that's true-- EMRE: ALWAYS keep your eye on your drinks! AARON: I know, that was stupid, but the guy was singing! Maybe he paid that stupid musician to sing like CRAP as a distraction. EMRE: That guy's pretty smooth, then. Ya know? I give him props. Get one passed Ole Aaron. AARON: Yeaaah. He got one *passed me*. Oh! Check it out. Cabbage. Umm. I have a cabbage to sell? RELDITH: Honest pay for honest work. AARON: Yeaaah, absolutely. It was *very* honest. Since I just took it from... EMRE: FROM YOU. [THE BOYS HAVE A GIGGLE OVER PETTY THEFT] EXTREMELY BRITISH ENNIS: WHAT DO YA HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?! AARON: EHHHHH? I'm sorry I stole your cabbage? ENNIS: SORRY'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Not while my Gleda is still out there--Alone and afraid! You kidnapped her and sold her to a giant! EMRE:...What? AARON: Assaulted a giant? Uh. Whatever you said, it sounds awful. ENNIS: You're DAMN right it does! AARON: Yeah. ENNIS: I'll *NEVER* breed another prize winning goat like Gleda! EMRE: DUDE. You stole a goat and sold it to a giant. AARON: WELL. Of course, I did. That's what happens when you get roofied. You *immediately* go find goats and sell them to giants. I-I've had it happen to me...in real life. Tell me everything and you won't end up like your goat! ENNIS: OKAY, OKAY! EMRE: Errrr, okay. AARON: I don't *wanna* go to Whiterun. EMRE: You were *just* there! AARON: Yeah! EMRE: That sucks... AARON: This is stupid. Alright, chicken. You can have this cabbage, mate. If you sell it to that lady over there...? She'll give you a bunch of money for it. Yeah. You go get her and tell her there's some cabbage you've harvested. Myyyy pleasure! EMRE: That chicken's gonna be the *COCK* of the *WALK*. AARON: The cock of the WALK... EMRE: Yeah? AARON: I don't think that's a phrase. EMRE: It is a phrase. AARON: You just made that up. EMRE: It is a phrase! AARON: It's *not* a phrase. EMRE: TOTALLY is a phrase! EMRE: COCK OF THE WALK. AARON: I *think* you meant the walk and the talk. EMRE: He's, no--What? AARON: Boy! Getting drunk was a really bad idea--as it turns out. Now, I think I'm learning a lesson. YSOLDA: So, you're *finally* back. Look, I've been patient but you *still* owe me... AARON: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh... What? YSOLDA: Aw, what's wrong? Did the engagement fall through? Look. How about we call it even? As long as you bring back the wedding ring? AARON [suddenly a bastard man]: I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE RING! TELL ME WHAT ELSE I SAID! YSOLDA: Alright, alright! You're mean when you're sober... AARON: YOU BETTER! YSOLDA: You said the ceremony was going to be in Morvunskar. You said your friend SAM was going to be your best man. AARON: Oh! Well, that's nice. EMRE: You know what I find interesting? Is the fact that you were *so* shit-faced that you did ALL this crazy stuff... And yet, nobody noticed that you were drunk. Cuz they're all TOTALLY surprised...that you don't remember any of that stuff. AARON: YEAH! So apparently, whatever I drank, it made me... Act totally normal. And, no one... You know, no one thought my behavior was *weird*. EMRE [overly zealous] : HOLY SHIT! THAT SPELL KILLED A MUDCRAB IN *ONE HIT*! AARON: YEAH! That's gonna be a good spell. Alright, I guess I'm gonna look for Sam up here and, uhhhhhhhhhhh... Try to find out what happened. SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaam? Hey, have you seen Sam? Nevermind. HAH-AH-HAH. You might not wanna go through those flames! They're, eh, the trap that you set off! [INCINERATED IDIOTS ARE HILARIOUS] Nice job, uh...Thanks for killing yourself off with your own trap there, people. They're like, 'Ahhhh, somebody invaded our castle! Quick! To the trap!' 'W-Wait, should we go through our own trap??' 'YAS! That's what it's there for!!' EMRE [joining in as dummy bandit]: YER THINKIN' TOO MUCH! JUST DEW IT! AARON: GOOOOaaahahaha-- EMRE: Good old fashioned henchmen. EMRE: WOOOOOOW. AARON: WOW. Now that shows the *true* power of that spell. That was AWESOME. She wasn't even *near* it. She just *looked at it wrong*. EMRE: It's too bad you killed those people before asking where Sam was. They might have answered. AARON: I don't think so. These people are usually not very friendly. I've tied to recruit them to go to Magic College in the past, and they just get really angry... They're like, 'TO *THAT* BORING PLACE?! I WOULD *NEVER* GO TO SCHOOL THERE!' EMRE [as dumb anti-college bandit brat]: 'Do yew have AAANY idea what tuition costs?!' 'College is just a BIG SCAAAAM!' 'I don't wanna be in DEBT for the rest of maah LIFE!' AARON: 'Aaaand I don't wanna listen to dipshits blather on for HOURS and HOURS about stuff that I can learn in *two seconds*--' EMRE: 'ON THE INTERNET!!' AARON [dissolving into laughter]: On the internet! HellOOOh? Hallooh? DISTANT VOICE: OVER HERE!! AARON: Over here? Okay, I'm coming! Yeah, you like that? Whoa! What the Hell is happening? Whoa! Hey, uhh, you should come and use this trap over here. There ya go! Come on over. No, it's fun! EMRE: Huh. AARON: Merida's Bacon? EMRE: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. AARON: Wow! I'll take a slice o' that! EMRE: Looks like a kidney stone. AARON: Won't be able to eat for days. DISEMBODIED LADY VOICE: A new HAAAAND touches the BEEAACON... AARON: Excuse me? Uh, can you wait a second? I'm busy. ANGRY DISEMBODIED LADY VOICE: LISTEN!! HEAR ME AND OBEY!! AARON: Uh, um, I-I gotta collect these troll skulls-- MYSTERIOUS VOICE: DARKNESS HAS SEEPED INTO MY TEMPLE! AARON: What? MYSTERIOUS VOICE: A *DARKNESS* THAT YOU *WILL* DESTROY! AARON: Okay! I'll be right back! NAGGING MYSTERIOUS VOICE: RETURN MAH BEACON-- AARON: SHUDDUP! I'm collecting skulls! I'm gonna go to Misty Grove. Heeeelloo? W-Why did...You invited me here? What's...happening? Anybody? WHOOOOOOA! A PARTY! [EMRE GASPS] AARON: FINALLY! EMRE: OHH, YES! AARON: So... This is great, because getting *drunk* lead to like a crazy adventure and then *another* party. Wow. EMRE [so full of bad advice]: You should *ALWAYS* accept drinking contests from strangers. AARON: Absolutely! EMRE: That's the moral of today's Skyrim for Pimps. AARON: *THAT* is the lesson we learned! Heeeeey, this looks like fun! Hey! How are you guys enjoyin' your food? COMMONER: Neeed something? AARON: No. COMMONER: Hi. AARON: Hai. COMMONER: Hi. AARON: HAI. COMMONER: HMMM? AARON [this is riveting, folks]: Hai. No. COMMONER: Hmph. AARON: HMM?! What's that supposed to mean?! [FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS RO DAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!] YEAH! HOW DO YA LIKE THAT?! COMMONER:...Yeah? Oh, my God! These guys are all, like, duplicates--What the HELL?? EMRE: THEY'RE. ALL. THE SAME. PERSON. AARON: OhMyGod. They're all the same person. What the FfffUCK? Okay... EMRE: This is the *weirdest* party I've ever been to. AARON: Did I have *three* drinks again and just not realize it? I-I had quite a trip. Whaaaat the *fuck* is happening? SAM: I *thought* you might not remember your *first* trip here. You had a BIG night. I think you've *DEFINITELY* earned the staff. EMRE: HUH??? AARON: Uhh... ̶S̶A̶M̶ SANGUINE: I haven't been so entertained in at least a hundred years! AARON: Alright, well. Thank you, Darth Maul. Why did you choose *meeee*...? SANGUINE [with the slurred tone of every drunken uncle]: Leeet's be honest here-- AARON: Are you drunk? SANGUINE: I don't ALWAYS think mah decisions throuuugh. AARON [not so enthused]: I'm glad I could entertain you. SANGUINE: MY PLEASURE. Buuuut, I think it's time fer you to goooo... AARON: Holy shit! I'm right back where I started! Except now I'm carrying too much to be able to run. EMRE: WELL, *that* was interesting! AARON: Heeeey, Ysolda! How's it goin'? Hey, Ysolda. I'm sorry I was so rude to you the other day. YSOLDA: Is *that* an Amulet of Maaraaa? I'm surprised someone like *YOU* isn't spoken for. AARON: Interested in me, ARE YOU? ...Have I turned into Yoda suddenly? YSOLDA, A MASOCHIST: Well, YES! Why wouldn't I be?? Are you... Interested in me? AARON: Why, YES, Ysolda. *I AM*. YSOLDA: It's settled then! Brief as life can be in Skryim, at least we'll have each other! AARON: Yeah! Uhh. I-I guess I have had *one* conversation with you, so... This, uh...This will be good, right? EMRE: It's funny, I mean...Your interactions with her consisted of you being COMPLETELY hammered-- And then, the next morning, INTIMIDATING her into telling you information. And then, the very next day, proposing to her. AARON: Well, she LOVES--She LOVES that. EMRE: Mmyeah. AARON: She loves a good man who intimidates information--Whoa! That guy was *not* excited about the wedding, apparently. ♫ AARON: Ysolda's kind of a sweetie. EMRE: Yeah. AARON: You know? I've had my college relationship and now I kinda know what I want and what I don't want. EMRE: Yeah...Somebody with a low-cut shirt. AARON: T-That's definitely-- EMRE: Pretty much what you want. AARON: Marimar? Meermaaail? Mermal? Marmalaaade? Hey, are you okay?? MARAMAL: Blessings of Mara upon you! AARON: I'd like to have a wedding at the temple, ya know? I just met this lady.... MARAMAL: You wish to be married?! AARON: UHHH...With some cleavage. MARAMAL: Good to see love blossoming, even in these difficult times! AARON: YES! It's *blossoming'! MARAMAL: Your wedding will be held tomorrow! EMRE: Your wedding has been arranged! If only...it was *that* easy in real life. AARON: I hope Ysolda's fine with that. Usually the women wanna make lots of preparations and stuff. EMRE: BOI! YER GETTIN' MARRIED ALREADY! AARON: YEAH! This is crazy, man! After college life just flies by! EMRE: You don't think you should give Beeeerlana a wedding invitation? AARON: Ooooh, yeah. You know what? I should probably invite her... AARON: Every time I come back here, Brelyna and I...you know, see each other in the hallway? It's kinda awkward. I'm just someone that she used to know, you know what I mean? EMRE: You didn't have to cut her off. Make out like it never happened? That you were nothing? AARON: I didn't have to stoop so low. EMRE: Now you're just some *asshole* that she used to know. AARON: Exactly. Hey, how's it going? BRELYNA: It's a *FINE* day with you around! AARON: Come on out here! I'm sorry I said those things. I *really* am. I just wanted to let you know... ...That I'm getting married. Her name's Ysolda, uhmm... She wears a low-cut shirt. She's, uhh, you know...She's... Not ugly *like you*, and uhm... I just wanted to give you this invitation. So yeah, you're welcome to come. Maybe we'll see you there? BRELYNA: Alright then! AARON: Okay, see you there. EMRE: She took that *surprisingly* well! AARON: That's great! She's totally over me. EMRE: Maybe she hasn't recovered from her head injury... AARON: Well, no. I doubt it. She doesn't probably even know who I am. Yeah! You know, I could probably...uhhh... Got get a little smoochie-smoochie with, uh... Brelyna again, and she wouldn't even remember that we ever did it. EMRE: Yeah. You'd never have to worry about her telling your new wife about it. AARON: Cuz she would never remember that it happened. She's like the *perfect* mistress. EMRE: Yeah! She's like the, uh... The 'girl with a head injury next door'. AARON: HEY, I'M GETTING MARRIED! Do you hear?! SHAVARI: SHHH! GO AWAY! If you know what's good for yeewww! AARON: Gawwwdaaamn. EMRE: HOOOoooo-- AARON: WOW! I was *just* getting married... This is it! This is the *BIG MOMENT*! Me and Ysolda. Can you believe it? After ALL we've been through? EMRE: Yeah... MARAMAL: It was MARA that first gave birth to ALL of creation! AARON: Yeaaah, well, that must have hurt! EMRE: HAAA! HA-HAAAA! AARON: EH-HEH-EH-HEHEHHH! [BA DUM TSS] EMRE: You know how you know that Ysolda's a keeper? She has never even seen your *FACE*. And, she agreed to marry you. AARON: Look it! Oh, my God! Lydia's here! EMRE: ALL of your exes are here! AARON: Hey, Lydia! There's Brelyna! SHE CAME! EMRE [in disbelief]: She totally came! AARON: I can't believe it! [THE BOYS are too busy cackling to give a fuck about the ceremony] EMRE: And that woman you sold cabbage to?? That's amazing. AARON: NO, SHUT UP! I'm getting married! MARAMAL: Do YOU agree to be *bound together*...in love...NOW, and forever? AARON: Stop the wedding, I can't-- AH! I'm just kidding! MARAMAL: Under the authority of Mara-- AARON: Ysolda, wait-- MARAMAL: DIVINE OF LOVE-- I declare this couple...to be wed! AARON: YAAAAAAAaaaay! Wait, Ysolda--Wait! Aren't we supposed to go somewhere? YSOLDA: Our *new home*! I'll see you there! EMRE: Oh! She has a *HOUSE*? AARON: OH, DUDE! She already *has* a house? EMRE: SCOOOORE! AARON: I graduate college, then I just move into some lady's house. EMRE: Next thing you know, you'll find out that she's rich. AARON: I can't wait to gooo...to Ysoldaaa's HOUSE! EMRE: OOOOhhh...She's got a *SHITASTIC* house! AARON [ever in denial]: Oh! This is NICE! What are you talking about? Shut up, YOU DICK! This is *MY WIFE*! I'm hooome, hoooney! Honeeey? This house is very small... She isn't even here! Where the FUCK is she?! EMRE: Where's your wife, man?! AARON [quick to regret]: My room at college was bigger than this. EMRE [stifling laughter]: Your dorm. AARON: At least Tolfdir won't be wandering into my house now, and sitting down in my chair. EMRE: Now, why couldn't you have married the chick that owns *THAT* house? Look at that. That's HUGE. It's got an upstairs and EVERYTHING. [ADAM returns from the DEEP, laughing at AARON's despair] AARON: You know, Emre... EMRE: She lives on like the fuckin' edge of the city, in like the shittiest house... GOD. *Right* by the wall. AARON: T-This, THIS is a nice view! She's got, like, a scenic view. I don't know *WHAT* you are talking about... EMRE: You can't see SHIT! AARON: This is beautiful. Have you seen Ysolda? WHITERUN GUARD: Trouble? AARON: Yeah. M-My wife. She's gone. It's 2 o'clock in the morning. She should be at home. Well, I'm gonna go sleep in my fucking bed. Even if Ysolda's not going to be joining me... She can sleep on the *floor*. EMRE: Wow! What a great first day of marriage. AARON: Yeah. I don't know what I got into here. I hope I signed a prenuptial. YSOLDA [like nothing is wrong]: HELLO, my LOVE! AARON: Hi! YSOLDA: Back from *some adventure*, I bet! AARON: Nooo, I just--I just was sleeping? Ehh..eh...She just fell right asleep. EMRE: Wow... AARON: Just like, 'WHATEVER'. EMRE: WELL, she *was* out all night. It's what? Six in the morning? AARON: YEAH! EMRE: She *just* walked in-- AARON: She just came in. EMRE: I wonder what she *does*... I mean, it can't be *that* good of a job-- AARON: It's better not to ask questions, I find. You know? EMRE: She doesn't ask you what *you* do. AARON: Alright, I just need to stop by the college here and pick up my *stuff*. Now that I've got a house [shack]. YUP! Well, you know, Jzargo-- This is totally appropriate because this is the *last* time I'll ever be seeing you. J'ZARGO: But, Khajiit feels warmness from your presence. AARON [disgusted]: That's *nice*. I'm sure you do. You know what? You can sit here forever, because I'm fuckin' outta here. Taking my skulls, and I'm leaving *FOREVER*. Alright, I got all my skulls--I'm getting the HELL outta here. EMRE: W-W-Waaait, didn't that chick at the INN say there was some shrine around here? AARON: Yeah, that sounds familiar. Maybe I should go check it out while I'm in the area. EMRE: Might as well! Maybe you'll get something nice to give to your new wife for, uhhh, you know...Honeymoon present. AARON: She always says I've been 'out adventuring'. I guess it's time to prove that's actually what I do. And, not just go to college. EMRE: If she knew that your REAL job was to clean up dragon corpses and toilets...? AARON: YEAH. I'm never-- EMRE: I don't think she would have married you. AARON: I'm never even going to mention that whole Archmage thing, because it's just kinda awkward now. Alright, this is, uhhh...quite the little temple they got goin' on here. EMRE: I like it. AARON: So do I go up or do I go *in*...? EMRE: I think you gotta do both to get the G-Spot. AARON: I'm not sure what that means, Emre. HEYYY, uhh, wassup? ARANEA IENITH [VERY DEEP, RASPY]: Azura has seen your coming, traveler. EMRE: Oh, my GOD. She's got the deepest voice I've ever--She must be a smoker. AARON: Sounds good. What's this Azura want me to do exactly? ARANEA: You must go to a fortress endangered by water, yet untouched by it. TOGETHER: Whaaat? ARANEA: Inside you will find an Elven mage who can turn the brightest star as BLACK as night. I believe the fortress may refer to Winterhold. AARON: Winterhold?! I'm the Archmage! I should know this information already! They don't tell me shit over there... 'Go talk to somebody at Winterhold'? Oh, I am like THE guy at Winterhold! Jesus Christ... NELACAR: Greetings, ARKmage! AARON: Oh, I'm the ARKmage. Oh, no! I've been pronouncing it wrong all this time! EMRE: Wait, wait, wait--So, does that mean you're going to start pronouncing it correctly? AARON: NO. I would never do that. I *enjoy* pronouncing it the wrong way, so that's how I'm gonna do it. I'm lookin' for an E-El...Elven mage who studies...stars. NELACAR: Who sent you?! Was it the COLLEGE? The JARL? AARON: A priestess of Azura sent me, *persuade*? NELACAR: You're working with the Daedra? AARON: Yep. NELACAR: ...Right. AARON: What, you don't believe me? Fuckin' tell me, or I *slit* yer nads! NELACAR: Just calm down! I'll tell you everything... AARON [scoffing]: Yeah, see? That always works. EMRE: That always works. The 'slitting the nads' line. AARON: Yup. EMRE: Always gets 'em to talk. NELACAR: Azura's Star...A Daedric artifact that allows any number of souls to pass through it. I was working under Malyn Varen then. If only we knew what he was really planning... AARON: What did Malyn do, man? NELACAR: Malyn wanted to alter the star. He was dying. Diseased. He thought he could store his own soul inside. AARON: Seems like maybe that was a mistake. NELACAR: It drove him mad. Students started dying. Eventually the college exiled him. He took a few loyal disciples to Ilinalta's Deep, and vanished. AARON: Wait, the college actually DID something...? EMRE: WOW. All this interesting shit happened before you became ARKmage. AARON: ARCHmage. EMRE: Ar-Archmage. AARON: Don't ever say ARKmage again, or I'll slit your nads! EMRE: OH! AARON: See, it works? It works in real life, too. EMRE: Alright, ssssoo, I guess we gotta find Azzy's Star in Ilinalta's DEEP. AARON: Don't you mean, AZURA'S Star? EMRE: Yeah but, uhhh, I think Azura's too hard to pronounce. She needs a nickname. AARON: So now we're pronouncing it Azzy? EMRE: Azzy. AARON: WELP! Let's go up to the North BrittleSHIN Pass. EMRE: I think I would like to call it...North Tittyshit Pass. AARON: What're...shitty tits? EMRE: Titty shits. AARON [actually deaf]: Titty shits is *not* what you said. You said shitty tits. EMRE [laughing]: I said, titty shit. But, shitty tits is good. AARON: NORTH SHITTYTITS PASS. Okay, that's good. EMRE: Okay, we agree on something. AARON: That's really offensive, so that's perfect. EMRE: WHOOOOOOAAAH!! AARON: Ooooohhh, yeaaaah--That's how ya do it! EMRE: HA! HA! AARON: Little spinny sword action there. EMRE: Man, you're like Leonardo DiCaprio with that thing. [AWKWARD SILENCE] Emre:...The end of Inception. AARON: Wut? EMRE: S-Spinning... AARON: He's not spinning at the end of Inception. What are you talking about? [ADAM CACKLES FROM THE DEEP] AARON: This is my job now. Adventuring is now my job. EMRE: Yup. AARON: I gotta go find stuff and bring it back to the wife. EMRE: Yeah. She gets the food, she gives the sex. And, youuuu...bring back the Dragon Souls. AARON: Yup. AARON: Ilinalta's Deep, discovered! It was nice of this guy to leave his knapsack right underneath him before he...died. EMRE: He was probably killed because his hands are giant. AARON: Oh, yeah! Especially his RIGHT hand! MASSIVE, massive right hand. EMRE: Wow. AARON: He must have had a massive dick. Cuz people who have like, fingers...the span of their fingers between thumb and forefinger... So, yeah, he probably would have had a pretty good sized....wiener. EMRE: Unless you measure from his LEFT hand, then it would have been average. AARON: That's true. I don't know which one to measure it. This poor guy's dick size will never be known. [EMRE snorting, laughing] AARON: It will remain a mystery! Throughout the ages. Oh, wellllaaahahahehehehhhhahh-- EMRE: That's one of those *deep* topics we talk about here in Ilinalta's Deep. Oh! This looks like a trap room! I bet there are sharks in the water. ELECTRIFIED sharks! ...Wouldn't that be cool? AARON:...Electric sharks? EMRE: YEEAAAH! AARON: That doesn't make any sense, Emre. Wha...How do I get the...? Goddamn... Railing.... Ladder.... Steps... EMRE: Oooooh, it's another puzzle. AARON: Bridge.... EMRE: You know what you should do?? You should do that Dragon Shout where you zip across. AARON [grumbling]: Will that work...? No, that won't work. You're just fucking with me. EMRE: It's like the Falcon Kick from... AARON: Alright! Let's try it. Let's just try this. EMRE: Alright. [WHIRLWIND SPRINT: WUUUULD NAAAH!] EMRE: OOOHHH, YEAAAhhh! *I* was right! AARON [not about to admit shit]: Okay. So, was that the actual way to get across? EMRE: I dunno. You might have been able to just jump across and swim in the water. I was kinda jokin' about the, uh... The electric sharks. AARON: I know there's no electric sharks! EMRE: I really like that spell! It's like-- AARON: It's fun. EMRE: It's a slow, creeping like...ball of DOOM and they just never get out of the way. AARON: It's like they don't know what to do. They see it, and they're like 'OOOOoOohhhHHwhaaaaaaat???' EMRE: In fact, sometimes they WALK into it! AARON: Yeah. EMRE: They just go right *into*...the danger zone. AARON: Mn. No. I don't think they do that. EMRE: I'm SURE ya know THAT song. AARON: Unfortunately. [ignoring EMRE's giggling]...Now it's stuck in my head. Thanks a lot. Alright. Where is my special...things that I wanted, that I came here for...? EMRE: The THING that will make all of this bullshit worth it. AARON: YES! It's right around the corner, I'm suuure.... EMRE: PFFT! WHOA! Dude, you broke it. AARON: Oh... Whoops. Hey! I'm here now! I got the thing! ARANEA: AZURA'S STAR?! AARON: Yep! ARANEA: I *knew* the Lady of Twilight had sent you for a reason! AARON: No, I didn't actually take it out yet-- ARANEA [suddenly sinister]: Haaand it OVER to me... AARON: Should I do it? EMRE [creeped out]: I dunno! She does have a *really* deep voice and I don't trust people-- AARON: YEAH! And, she's like 'GIVE IT TOO MEEEEE'. EMRE: And, she's *DARK*... [YET ANOTHER AWKWARD SILENCE BROUGHT TO YOU BY EMRE] AARON: Yeah, okay--- EMRE: Her clothes are dark. AARON: No, no. You said something racist. So, just admit it. And we'll move on. [EMRE, CORNERED, CAN ONLY LAUGH] AARON: Ooooh, just take it! ARANEA: I will *commuuune* with Azura! AARON: Mmmm. Okay. That sounds like fun. [FUUUUS RO DAAAAAH!!] EMRE: EH HE HE HE HE HE! Commune, that! AARON: Oh, shit! I totally interrupted the communion. Hey, come on! Get back up here and finish this! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! HEEEELLOOOO??? Oh, look! I did it! EMRE: YAAAAAAY! AZURA THE SULTRY: Greetings, Mortal... AARON: Hai! AZURA: You have followed my guidance, through veils of twilight... And rescued my star from Malyn Varen... AARON: Yup. AZURA: But, his soul STILL resides within... Protected by his enchantments. AARON: From this view, her boobs look really....really MASSIVE. EMRE: Yeah. AARON: Stone boobage. EMRE: GIANT under-boobage. AARON: UHHHH, is there any way to cleanse the star? I have some special gloves I use to clean out the fecal points at the College of Winterhold. AZURA: I will send you *inside* the star. You will BANISH Malyn's soul there. AARON: OOoo! That sounds kinda sexy! UHHhhh, okay. I'm ready to enter the star, apparently. AZURA: Haaaave FAITH, Mortal! I will be watching over you! AARON: Okay, I won't. MALYN VAREN: AAAAH!! My disciples have sent me a fresh soul! AARON: I'm not a fresh soul, actually. I'm kinda old and stale. Ohhh, uhh, you know this experiment that you were doing? In Superman's cave? It's...over. MALYN: Who are you to CHALLENGE me?! I have conquered mortality itself!! I've SPAT in the eyes of the Daedric Lords! AARON: Yeah, well! I took over a college in twelve days and got married to a woman in five minutes! Let's see you do THAT! EMRE: Awwwwwwh, yeaaaah! Smack dat bitch! I don't think so, buddy! AARON: You better yield! Jerk. EMRE: HA! AZURA: Do not worry, Mortal! I will return you before you are cleansed. AARON: Cleanse, cleanse, cleanse. What are you gonna be using to cleanse me, exactly? Chlorox? AZURA: My Staaaaar has been restored! And, Malyn's soul has been consigned to OBLIVION! AARON: Alright. AZURA: You have done well. You are free to use my star as you see fit. EMRE: Cool! AARON: Oh, cool! EMRE: Niiice! AARON: Alright! See ya later, buddy! I have a surprise for my wife when I get home. She's gonna love this. EMRE: A big ol' bag of skulls. AARON: Oh, YEAH. Ysoooldaaaa...? Hello?? Ugh. She's never home. What time is it? Oh. That's right. It's 11:30. Why would she be here?? EMRE: So THAT'S what fifty skulls look like all dropped at the same time! AARON: She's is gonna LOVE this! EMRE: Oh, yeaaah. AARON: This is JUST like college, except better. EMRE: Home is where the skulls are! AARON: This is nice...Ysooooldaaa? Where the Hell is she...? Where does she go at 3 in the morning?! I want to fucking know! EMRE: She doesn't get to sleep until you know, like 5 or 6 in the morning-- AARON: Yeah! What is she off DOING right now?? EMRE: She's workin'! She's a lady of the night! AARON: Okay, THAT is unacceptable. EMRE: Come on, you knew what you were getting into-- AARON: No! She is NOT a lady of the night-- EMRE OF THE PATRIARCHY: She is a *single* woman with a *low* cut shirt who makes enough money to have her own house. And she-- She always stays out at night. What did you think she was? AARON: I-I don't...What you are saying is so...sexist and awful. Are you my wife? Anybody see my wife?? Heeelllooo?? Have you seen my wife? HEIMSKR: WEEEEEEEE AAAAREE DEH CHILDREN OF MAAAAAHHNN- AARON: Oh, boy. That was a mistake. Maybe she's at the Bannered Mare? EMRE: Maybe! What would she be *doing* in an INN at 3 in the morning? AARON: I'm not SURE, Emre. Maybe you should just shut up. Have you seen Ysolda? HULDA: I enjoy this work well enough! But, I'm ready to retire. I've been thinking of selling the Inn to Ysolda. [AARON GASPS!] AARON: She wants to sell the Inn to Ysolda?? EMRE: Whaaat? AARON: Hell yeah! EMRE: Where IS Ysolda?? AARON: Where tha fuck? Well, sell it to Ysolda--I wanna live here! This is ridiculous! Where is she? I don't know anything about her! I don't know where she works... I don't know what she does for a living. I don't know how she even got this house! Why did I get married to someone I know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about?! I think she just wanders the city late at night and helps like...orphans and beggars. That's what she does! She's like the best person that you've ever met. EMRE: Why would that woman want to sell the Bannered Mare to your wife if she was just out helping beggars at night? AARON: Hulda? EMRE: Yeah. AARON: Because she knows t-that Ysolda's a *REALLY* good person! EMRE: I'm just sayin', she goes in and out of that Inn A LOT. AARON: Alright, I'm gonna go home and she's gonna be there. EMRE: What are ya gonna do when she's not there? Hm? What are ya gonna do? AARON: I have like, 300 skulls to keep me company. I don't give a shit. LOOK! SEEEEE! There she is. Ysolda, where do you work? Honey? YSOLDA: Hello mah LUV! Back from some adventure, I bet! Here... This is *your* share, love. AARON: What? HOOOoooly shit! See, look at this! EMRE: She just gave you money! AARON: She is the BEST fucking wife, EVER! EMRE: Alright-- AARON: She gave me 400 gold, she cooks me the food-- You know what she does? She wanders around at night and collects money. On the ground. [EMRE SCOFFS IN COMPLETE DISBELIEF] AARON: That's what she's doing! EMRE: You just, you just keep thinkin' that. AARON: You know what? Just because she came home with 400 gold-- In the middle of the night, DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. You don't KNOW! My wife is not a WHORE! ♫ AARON: I was kinda offended that you called my wife a whore in the last episode, Emre. EMRE: Uh huh. AARON: You need to apologize. EMRE: I'm not gonna apologize, dude-- AARON: SHE'S NOT A FUCKING WHORE! *YOU'RE* A FUCKING WHORE! EMRE: THAT may be, but I think I know one when I see one. AARON: You give it out for FREE. You're worse than a whore. I'm gonna go find Ysolda, and I'm gonna PROVE to you that she's not a whore! EMRE: Okay! Good luck! AARON: Ysoooldaaaa! Where aaaare youuuu?? Maybe she's in the Inn... Is this my wife? I forget what she looks like. That's not her. That's Uthgerd the Unbroken who always wants to fight with her fists. EMRE: What *specifically* is 'unbroken' about her? AARON: Her... Her butt? [PERVERSE CHUCKLING] EMRE: That's a really fancy way of saying...Anal Virgin. AARON [laughing]: Right. Anal virgin. EMRE: Uthgerd the Anal Virgin just doesn't have the ring to it. AARON: Yeah, no. You're right. Unbroken sounds better. EMRE: Wait, is that your wife to the right? AARON: No! EMRE: Sitting there at the table? AARON: YEEEES! AARON: Look, see?! She's not a whore! She's just having dinner, you fuck face! EMRE: Having dinner? You mean, having her in-between-sex meal? AARON: Look at her eyes. She is NOT the type of person who goes and fucks a man for money. You can tell that, just by her eyes. So, uhhhhm, have we made any more money in our *store*? YSOLDA: We have a cozy little profit. Here. This is your share, love. AARON: Hell yeah. EMRE: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT-- HALF has much as yesterday? AARON: Well, it's a *cozy* little profit. EMRE: Mn. Okay. So, she wasn't quite as busy tonight. That's why she's sitting around eating. AARON: You know what? It isn't even been a night. She already raised two hundred gold in like a few hours. She's a...She's a mastermind. Okay, Ysolda. Let's head out. Head out now. Let's go do your nightly rounds. Baby. [SIGH] I think she just sits in this tavern and drinks, and people bring her money. EMRE: That doesn't make any sense. AARON: They're just like, 'Youuu look reaaally cool sitting in the corner here. Here's ten gold!' She just looks *sooo* awesome that people can't help but fucking shower her with coins! EMRE: You know what kind of women get money for *looking* good, right? AARON: No, for BEING good! She's, she's-- EMRE: For being good...? AARON: Yeah! She gets money for *being* good. NOT in a sexual way. EMRE: That's not how the world works, Aaron... AARON: You don't know!! EMRE: You don't just *get* money for being good. AARON: Right, Ysolda?? Back me up here! COME ON! So, uhmmm... W-What's goin' on? What'd you do today? Yeah? What, uh... What's the plan for tomorrow? You'd wanna... You wanna go for a bike ride or somethin' or... Oh! I've got an idea, Ysolda! Me and you, we can go hitch a ride with-- YSOLDA [no patience for small talk]: Yes, my love? What did you need? AARON: I-I dunno...I was just...talking... I thought maybe you and I could go hitch a ride with Bjorlam and see the world and travel-- Apparently she didn't like that idea. Get the fuck outta here! EMRE: W-Wait. Where are *they* goin'? Looks like they're kinda walkin-- AARON: Shuddup! EMRE: In the same direction. AARON: Shuddup! They don't even know each other. T-They just *happen* to be walking together. You're so PARANOID, Emre. Just don't go in the house with her... DON'T fucking go in the house with her. EMRE: Gonna happen, man. AARON: No it's not, no it's not, no it's not. Look it, look it! YEEEEEEEEAAAS! They totally parted ways! Unless they had sex while they were standing next to each other, I don't think she's a whore. Wait a minute! If you go to bed, I'm gonna be really freaked out. What... The fuck? I cannot wait while being asked to LEAVE?! EMRE: OOOOOOH, YOU'RE IN A FIGHT! AARON [quietly]: What the fuck are you talkin' about?? EMRE: She is PIIIISSED. AARON: Okay. That is reaaaally...fucked up. I didn't DO anything! I just tried--I was just talkin' about what-- EMRE: She was probably walkin' with that guy and she had to say, 'You know we can't do this tonight! My husband is RIGHT behind us!' And then he was like, 'I'm not giving you any money' and walked away. AARON: Yeah... EMRE: THAT GUY MIGHT HAVE BEEN HER PIMP! AARON: She doesn't have a *PIMP*. EMRE: How else can you explain this?! I mean, she was obviously waiting for him at that table. Except YOU sat down. And he came, and he SAW that she was with YOU. And he had to back away. And they tried to meet outside but you kept walkin' around, following them around and you know... AARON: Yeah, well, I dunno what her dealing with that guy was but I made sure it didn't happen. WELL. My wife is angry with me. I think there's only one thing to do. EMRE: What's that? AARON: I'm gonna have to head up and visit the Oracles. EMRE: HAAA! The Oracles! AARON: Yeah. EMRE: Haven't seen *them* in a while. AARON: Heeeeello, laaadies! Oh, God! Ehhhh. Irgnir, you might wanna just dust your nose off. Have you been sticking your nose in the ground, searching for truffles? HEEEEEEEELLOOOOOOOOO Oracles! EMRE: HEY! AARON: HEY! What are ya doin'??? What the FUCK is wrong with everyone around here, except for the Oracles? ERANDUR: The entire town is being plagued by HORRIBLE nightmares. EMRE: Does everybody in this town have beaver fever? [WHEN WILL THE AWKWARD SILENCES STOP, EMRE?] Come down with a nice, hot case of beaver fever? AARON: Yes.They all have beaver fever. What's your plan, dude? ERANDUR: I need to return to the source of the problem. THE NIGHTCALLER TEMPLE. Perhaps you'd be willing to assist me in that regard? AARON: Uhhh. I guess, uhh...I don't have anything else to do. Well, what do you mean... What the hell are you talking about? ERANDUR: I've already said too much. If anyone overhears what we're saying... It could start a PANIC. AARON: I don't think they're going to overhear with that music playing. Just saying. Waking Nightmare? Oooo! OH! Who is the Daedric Lord Vaermina? ERANDUR: Vaermina resides in a strange realm known as Quagmire. EMRE: Giggity. AARON: If you say that again, I'll punch your fucking...h-hole...in your bottom. EMRE: MY BOTTOM HOLE?! AARON: Your bottom hole will get fisted. EMRE: But then they won't be able to call me, Emre the Unbroken. AARON: Anal Virgin? What'd she do with the memories, Eranduuur? ERANDUR: Who can say-- [INSERT LOUD, OBNOXIOUS SINGING] ERANDUR: Perhaps she collects them for display, like works of art in a nonsensical art gallery. AARON: OOOh, yeah! Nonsensical art gallery? I like what I'm hearing! EMRE: OOOOH! Strange men that you meet in bars, telling you to go off on a mystery adventure with them. Into a deep, dark Quagmire. AARON: We're just gonna go off to a nonsensical art gallery, or something. It should be fun. What are you going?! Are we gonna-- ERANDUR: Beyond that hill is our destination! AARON: Oh, okay. I'm glad you had to STOP to tell me that. EMRE: He had to check his GPS. I think you might have stumbled across the socially awkward pariah of Dawnstar. I mean, he just tells a bunch of nonsense about an art gallery and tries to get people to go there... On the journey, you kind of discover that he's-- AARON: You get up to the building and ti's actually--He's just conducting asthma tests. EMRE: Asthma tests? AARON: He's just like, running a lab and experimenting on people with asthma. Nightcaller Temple discovered. Where's my buddy? HI! ERANDUR: Before we enter-- AARON: Uh huh! ERANDUR: I must warn you about the dangers that could be lurking within. AARON: THANK YOU! That is awesome. THANK YOU SO MUCH! ERANDUR: This temple was raided by an Orc war party seeking revenge-- AARON: What?? ERANDUR: They were being plagued by nightmares, just like the people of Dawnstar. AARON: Oh! CRAP! I'm *so* glad you told me that! [disinterested] Were they successful? ERANDUR: Knowing they could never defeat the Orcs, the priests of Vaermina released what they call the Miasma. AARON: MeeeeAZZZmuh. Oh, it's asthma! I have asthma. Yeah, he wants me here to deal with 'me asthma'. EMRE: How the Hell did you predict that? AARON: I knew it! EMRE: Alright, EranDUR. Nice and slowly. You know why this place was causing so much problems with asthma? Look at all that shit floating in the air. AARON: Oh, yeah. I mean, it's all--that's pollen. It's all POLLEN. Designed to provoke an asthma attack. Whoaaa. Turned purple. OOooh, look. It's just a...big thing. WOW. That was kinda neat. Hey, Erandur! Look at this! Fun! EMRE: Is this the art gallery? AARON: This is the nonsensical art gallery. See right there? There's a painting made of SOUND. EMRE: WHOOOOAAAAOHHOHHHH! AARON: YO, wassup homie? EMRE: WOW. AARON: Good job killing those asthmatic Orcs, Erandur. ERANDUR: The priests must have activated this barrier when the Miasma was released! AARON: OH, SHIT! THAT LOOKS DIFFICULT TO BREACH! ERANDUR: Impossible, actually. AARON: YEH! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! EMRE: Sounds like a job for Tom Cruise. Guzzler. AARON: Tom Cruise Guzzler. [laughing] My... He's a distant cousin. Who no longer is married to Katie Guzzler. ERANDUR: It's just up here. AARON: Okay, just take your time! I mean, really. I have *nothing* better to do. [droning] OOOH, boy. What's back here? Oh, shit. It's a tunnel. Now what are we doing, fuck face? Yeah, that's what I thought. He was just standing there, hanging out. 'The things we need to do in here need to be done very sloowly'. 'If we move too fast...' 'We might actually have some fun.' Oooh, I like this spell. Look at this shit. I wanna put one in his *ass*. Did you like that? You like that?? What am I lookin' for, heh-heh?? ERANDUR: A book of alchemical recipes called-- AARON: Called, THE JOY OF COOKING. EMRE: I thought your days of finding books was over, but... AARON: No. Apparently that will never end. EMRE: Heeere we go. AARON [robotically]: Located book. Speak to man. I LOCATED BOOK. NOW WHAT WE DO? ERANDUR: Lemme take a look. AARON: TAKE LOOK. AT BOOK. Ugh. I'm getting sick of hearing his shitty, stupid voice. EMRE: Yeah, me too. AARON: I hope I can send an ice spike up his...bung later. Where do we find the Torpor [growing more nasally] Erndeh yeh sexeh lil' mahn? ERANDUR: I believe there is a laboratory in the East Wing. If we proceed there, we should be able to locate a sample. You'll be viewing the memory of another, through your own eyes and WITH your own body. AARON: Is it gonna be an ORC dream that I'm observing, because I don't wanna observe an Orc dream... It's just gonna be all masturbating. EMRE: What's what Orcs do? AARON: Yeah. They masturbate and, er, kill. EMRE: That's their war cry. [as LORD HUMUNGUS] WE GO IN! WE MASTURBATE! WE KIIIIILL! AARON: I think they kill first and then they masturbate. EMRE: That's probably a better order. [MUTUAL PAIN AND DISAPPOINTMENT]: UGGGGH! AARON: Noooo--We have to creep along like fucking invalids. Behind Erandur... Take your time, honey... ERANDUR: We need to find the Torpor! AARON: Whaaat's thaaaat? ERANDUR: I'll begin searchin' up here... AARON: Should I go search somewhere else? ERANDUR: The Torpor should be in a tall bottle with dark liquid. AARON: OoOoOoOohhh... ERANDUR: Bring it to me. AARON: Waaaaat? Look. Okay. I...have a problem. EMRE: What's the problem? AARON: He just SPENT three minutes telling me what this was and I walked downstairs, and it's sitting RIGHT HERE. It took me TWO SECONDS! To find it! EMRE: A goddamn arrow pointing right to it. AARON: But, it took him like THREEEE hours to tell me where the FUCK it was. I'm gonna kill this fucker before the end of this mission. There's no doubt about it. I found it! It was two feet away! ERANDUR: I've taken us this far, but you need to guide us the rest of the way. AARON: No. ERANDUR: Drink. AARON: Heeere? Nooow? But-- BUT! BUT! I don't care. I'm fuckin' drinking it. That guy can suck it. Drink!! WHAAAAAAAAAAoooooooooooo-- Oh, God. I must be having a bad trip. This guy's robes are disgusting. EMRE: Hey, what's up there? AARON: What's this, everehbodeh? OOohhhh--Oh, shit! Is that a staff with a skull?? EMRE: Yeah! AARON: I need that! I can just--Why can't I just take it? EMRE: Take it! Get it! AARON: I wanna take it. EMRE: Blow it up! AARON: Take. Take. EMRE: Can you cast spells? AARON: Nope. I can't do anything. EMRE [sighing]: Shiiit. AARON: Heeellooo? Anybodeh?? What happened? WAHHAPPEN?? OHDAWHD. What's happening?! EMRE: You guys okay?? AARON: You guys can keep goin'. I just need to scoot on through here. Excuse me! Ehhhh--Oh! Maybe this is that nonsensical art museum? EMRE: Yeah! EMRE: This is like nonsensical performance art part of it. AARON: GET 'EM! Get 'em! Oh! Release myasthma?? EMRE: FINALLY! AARON: Oh, shit! That's awesome. I'll finally be cured. Whoa. The Hell's going on? EMRE: Oh. You're supposed to disable the magic barrier. QUICK! Take that...soul gem! AARON: I tried to take it right away but it didn't work. EMRE: Yeah...excuses. AARON: Hey, how's it goin'? ERANDUR: It worked! Mara be praised! AARON: Yeah. Alright. M-Mara, you're praised. Erandur, I'm really upset with you--But, you know what? I'm just gonna let it go for now! We can talk about it later! But after this is over, I'm gonna be really upset with you and we're going to have a TALK! And the talk will involve a lot of ice spikes up your asshole. I'll just follow youuu... ...Take your time. EMRE: Oh, of course. He has to pull out the mace and walk like a grandma. AARON: Yeah... UGH! Yeaaah. You don't need to get up. Don't get up on MY account! OH-HO-HO-HO! One liner! EMRE: EEEEEY! That can be your catch phrase! AARON: I think it is! It's my new catch phrase. Don't get up on my account! Yeaaah! It works every time when I say that. Don't get up on mmmyyyy acCOUNT! EH HEH HEH! EMRE: Aw! Somebody got up! On your account... AARON: Go back to not being up on my account! Get back on the floor! There you go. EMRE: I like that. It was like a variation of the catch phrase which, you know, audiences enjoy. AARON: Yeah, exactly. They like to hear it *again*, but they like it when it's a liiiittle bit retouched. EMRE: Yeah! ERANDUR: Veren! Thorek! You're alive?! AARON: BELLOWS! GORIN! YOU'RE ALIVE! Where's Fraanjoy? Where's Craaam-nuggets?? Where's Stimpy? Whereee's Lumpkin?? Where's Noooomb-bull...widgets? Where's S-Shorty theee....muffin...chowder? OOOH, SHIT! Defeat Veren and Thorek! Okay. They're done. Lady Mara, come on out! Let's have a good timmmme. H-Honey? MYSTERIOUS FEMININE VOICE: Heeee's deceiving youuu! AARON: HELLO?? MYSTERIOUS VOICE: When the ritual is complete, the skull will be free and then Erandur will turn on you... AARON: Erandur would NEVER turn on me! He *LOVES* me! MYSTERIOUS, HOMICIDAL VOICE: Kill him now! Kill him, and claim the skull for your OWN! AARON: You're telling me to KILL Erandur? ...I do not have to be told twice. YEAH! EMRE: Right in the face! AARON: That's a good spot for that, and how about another one? Theeere ya go, buddy! I did it! Hello? I did it. Voice from wherever? Voice from the mysterious place that said I shouldn't trust him?? Yeaah! Skull of Fuckin' Corruption. All mine. That was a wonderful quest because I was tortured the whole quest by Erandur and at the end, I just got to massacre him. EMRE: Yeah! If only all quests were like that. You know? Now that I think about it... Why *can't* all quests be like this? Why CAN'T you just go ahead and massacre everybody at the end of the quest? AARON: You know, that gives me an idea... EMRE: What? AARON: Weeeell, there's this little college that I'm the ARCHmage of... EMRE: Uh huh?? AARON: And, uhh, everybody there kind of SUCKS. I think... Somebody needs to die. EMRE: I think a WHOLE lot of people need to die! AARON: I totally agree with you. EMRE: I don't think you can take them ALL on with just the spell you have right now. I think you need something a little more-- With a little bit more KICK? ♫ AARON: Uhh. I'm actually heading out, Ysolda. I'm going to go kill all of my former colleagues at the, uhhh, College of Winterhold. Ohhh. uh, and I'm a little short on cash right now? I might need to stop and get some lunch or somethin'. Can you give me some cash? YSOLDA: This is your share, love! AARON: She is the best. Crotch has been gettin' in shape. Gettin' ready for this. EMRE: Ohhh! He's getting pumped up? AARON: He is. EMRE: He's got a little Rocky routine? AARON: He's been workin' out. Okay, so here I am *before*. And, you see like... How horribly disfigured and gross I was. And there on the right is me *after*. Affter I've been doing all the working out. EMRE: Oh, wow! AARON: Pumpin' iron. EMRE: Damn dude! AARON: Castin' spells... EMRE: Look at them gains! AARON: This is my new armor. It's all enchanted to give some extra destructive abilities. In fact, now destructive spells cost *nothing* to cast. EMRE: Nooooo way! Nothin'? AARON: OOOOH??? Oh, look it does. It cost like-- EMRE: Almost nothing. AARON: It costs like *TWO*. EMRE: Okay. Nice. But, I still don't think that's going to be *quite* good enough. I mean, yeah! You've worked out, you've gotten new armor-- Your destruction spells cost very little, but-- Yoyu don't have any BIG like...AREA spells. AARON: Oh, I know. I know. I absolutely don't. Ummm. But, I dooo have a plan... EMRE: What's that? AARON: I think you're gonna like it. I will show you. Uhhh, Faralda? I am looking for a spell that will kill, ohhh... Somewhere between like 12 to 15 wizards all at once? In a snowy courtyard? UHHHH. Do ya have something like that? FARALDA: Over the years, I've heard things. Powerful magics, lost to the ages. Incredible spells only the most skilled mages can master. This is the only thing I've ever found. I think it's better off in your hands. AARON: Oh! Everything's better off in *my* hands! EMRE: AH-HAH-HAH! HA HA! HAAAaaaa.... AARON: 'Complete the book: Powers of the Elements'. I think that'll do the trick! Thank you, Faralda! I'll be back shortly to murder all of you. Examine the book to see what I can learn. EMRE: That's a good idea. AARON: Ohgawdddd. I can feel my muscles just drooping away; my flesh, melting. EMRE: Yeaaah. You should go drink a protein shake. AARON: I know. Alright, what is--Northwud, haun....What is this, poetry? EMRE: I think this is a riddle. AARON: Oh, no. Not a Dwemer mine. UGGHHhhhh. I quit. EMRE: A simple place, a shield from DRAFT? Like, Canada? AARON: At this stand, wield mage's craft. EMRE: It means: cast some spells, brah. AARON: Uhhh. Oh! At that place? EMRE: Yeah. So fierce the sea will boil. Soooo.... Fiiire spell? UUUUUUHMMMmmm... What's the Northernmost shore? AARON: Probably like, right up here. EMREl; Alright, so go to Dawnstar. ALRIGHT. So, are there any Dwemer areas near here that you know of? AARON: I don't know about any of *that*. Well, there's this thing over here. EMRE: What's that? AARON: It's one of those little...hoop-ty...hoops. EMRE: A hoop-ty hoop? AARON: One of those little half-circle-jerkers. Windward Ruins! EMRE: WIND? AARON: Yeah, it's got wind in the title. EMRE: Alright, I think we found it. AARON: I think this is a protection from wind down there. Check it out. EMRE: What is that? AARON: A pedestal. AWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHH shit! Ehhh. Hello? Anybody? EMRE: It probably worked. Look at the book again. AARON: Oh. Oh, for GOD'S SAKE! They didn't even inform me that it worked! EMRE: ALRIGHT, alright, alright-- AARON: Under Greybeard's morning shadow-- EMRE: At this Northern watch, long lost-- AARON: So, wait--morning shadow, where's that? Like, under their beards? EMRE: OKAY. SOOOOOO... You know how these Greybeards live on top of that giant fucking mountain? AARON: Yeah. EMRE: Alright, in the morning...the sun is in the EAST, so the shadow would be on the WEST. So that means, WEST of the mountain. At this Northern watch, long lost. AARON: Oh, yeah. I know where that is. EMRE: Oh, you do? I didn't even read the rest of the riddle! AARON: Yeah, who cares. It's all bullshit. There we go. Hilgrund's Tomb? EMRE: What? No! You're not even on the right side of the mountain! AARON: White River Watch! EMRE: That's certainly possible. Alright, well, I would say just... Start walkin'. And look for a place that's on your map that, uhh... You haven't discovered yet. ♫ AARON: Oh, what's that over there? EMRE: I dunno, but we've been looking for this place for FUCKING HOURS. AARON: These bunnies are trying to elude me! DIE BUNNIES! EMRE: YEEES! [AARON CACKLES OVER RABBIT MURDER] EMRE: YEAAAAS! AARON: BON VOYAAAAAaaaaage! I defenestrated the SHIT outta that guy. Wooow. EMRE: Alright, let's get back to the quest though. It's taking forever. ♫ [SIGHS OF FRUSTRATION] AARON: WELL. EMRE: Oh! Wait, wait, wait--Yeah! The thing on the map! That's *exactly* what the first place looked like. AARON [grumbling]: So, what? EMRE: That dome-- AARON: Haven't we found like six other places like that? EMRE: NO, NO! That's the first dome-looking thing we've found so far over here. I'm CONVINCED that that place up there is where you need to go. AARON: Yeah, how the FUCK do you get up there? EMRE: I dunno... AARON: You *can't*. See, that's the answer. This is all just a fuckin' JOKE. Somehow I don't think this was the way they intended us to get there. EMRE: WELL! It's the way that we're getting there, so they can go FUCK THEMSELVES! AARON: OH, GOD! TOGETHER: THERE IT IS!! EMRE: Holy shit! AARON: I just scaled a fucking mountain! Go to the place that is COMPLETELY impossible to reach! You will find it byyyy-- EMRE: Sheer dumb luck. AARON: Randomly scaling a mountain using a glitch in the game. *THAT* was what the riddle meant. Of course! I should have realized. LOOK. This just leads to a fucking cliff. EMRE: Where are you going?! You haven't even done the THING yet, and you're leaving! AARON: Look, see?? You can't go up this hill! I just wanted to show you-- EMRE: OKAY! GREAT! FUUUCK! WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THE *THING* FIRST and THEN do this STUPID SHIT?! AARON THE FIEND [laughing]: Cuz I wanted to show you! That it's not reachable by any sort of path-- EMRE: I DON'T CARE! ♫ AARON: Oh, God. That was such a nightmare. EMRE: Well, we did it. SO. Let's just forget that this ever happened...and move on. AARON: And never speak of it again. EMRE: Yeah. AARON: Well, this looks like the place. EMRE: Oh, thank GAWHD! Sooo, we're supposed to cast a frost spell. So cast a frost spell and then pick up the fuckin' book. And let's keep goin'. AARON: You seem so angry. EMRE: I AM ANGRY!! AARON: This better be the last one... EMRE: Over Western river waters, by Karth bounded, South and North-- AARON: On mountains, sits a humble crown. EMRE: Sky's wrath-- AARON: That's one of those circular, half-circle butt nuggets again. EMRE: Sooo...NEAR Karth, we look for another circle butt nugget. And then cast some lightning. AARON: Fuck it, I'm going to Karth. EMRE: Okay. AARON: Waaahsten. Karthwaahsten. SURPRISE COURIER: I've been looking for you! Got something I'm supposed to deliver. Your hands only... Leeeeet's see here... AARON: Let's see here--OH! It's my dick! Your hands only! MUEEeeaaahAhAhaaaa... COURIER: Oh! And...Sorry for your loss. AARON: Sorry for my LOSS? The Hell's this guy talkin' about? EMRE: DID YOUR WIFE DIE?! AARON: OHMYGODOHMYGOD-- Awwww, I have like three million notes! Uggghah! I can't! EMRE: Ysolda's message?? AARON: Is it--Is it *that*? 'Don't try to stiff me on this deal, Ulag?' 'I can talk the Khajiit caravans into a better price than you'd be able to, and the guards are still looking for you after that skooma incident.' 'Just bring the SAP to my...' Oh, my God... Oh, no! My wife is a drug dealer!! EMRE: [laughing]: HOooooooly shit! AARON: Oh my GAAhaaahwd! EMRE: HA-HA-HA-HA! That makes *so* much more sense. AARON: WELL. EMRE: Than being a prostitute. AARON: ALRIGHT! Well! At least she's not a whore. EMRE: OH! OH! Oh, oh, oh, oh-- AARON: OH, LOOK [blathering] WAGAGITAGAHDETT! EMRE: Oh, it's so close! Holy shit! We made it! Oh, Goddd...Let that be the end of it... AARON: OOOOOOOOH, YEAAAAAH. EMRE: SWEET! AARON: Alright, world! Witness my WRATH! OOOOOOOOGGGHH! EMRE: YEAAAH! AARON: You know how many chickens I can kill with that? [EMRE SNORTS] AARON: I can't WAIT to go fuck up some assholes. As you remember, the College of Winterhold is where I went to school for a little while and-- They made me do a lot of stuff that I didn't really wanna do like, READ. FOLLOW. LISTEN. Listen was one of the quests. EMRE: Oh, God. There was so much listening. AARON: It was just awful. It was just really awful and now everyone here needs to pay. Dreeevis! Wakey, wakey! Rise and SHIIiiine! EMRE: WHOOOOhohohoooooo! NIIIce! AARON: Yeah! That *is* a cool spell! EMRE: YEEAaah! AARON: Wow, I totally annihilated Drevis. Sergius, I really need to talk to you! It's an emergency! Sergius, wake up! The emergency is there is NO ice spear through your face! WHAAhaHAHoooo! EMRE: Where'd he go?! AARON: Byyyye! I gotta get outta here! Follow me out to the courtyaaaard, everybody! ♪ Myyyy murder brings all my friends to the courtyaard and that's where I murder them haaard! ♪ ♪ That's right! I murder them haaard! ♪ EMRE: W-Who's that? AARON [annoyed]: Ohh, it's Faralda. EMRE: Ugh. Faralda. AARON: Yeah. Those are heavy, aren't they? Yeah. Make you feel kind of tired. [FUUUUUUUS RO FAAAAAAH!] EMRE: AH-HA-HAH! Seeeeee ya laaater! [INSERT SHRILL AARON LAUGHTER] AARON: Weeeell! That takes care of Faralda, everybody! OOOOh, wow! This library looks so well-kept and well-ordered! EMRE: It would be a SHAME if a blizzard happened to go off in the middle of it! AARON: Yeeeaaaah, that would be a *REAL* shame. EMRE: HA HAAAaaaa! AARON: Oh. That is just pleasing to look at. EMRE: Brings a tear to my eye. AARON: It really does. Look at all those books! No one will ever be able to read them now! URAG: I'm sorry, but you've been suspended from the college-- AARON: Yes, well, I'm about to suspend *you* from the college actually. This is MY college! And I want everyone to FUCKING know that! See ya later, douchebag! I'm gonna clean this college up! EMRE: Yup! AARON: I'm gonna make it the college I always wanted it to be. Just me. OooooHHHHhh NOOoooo... I told you to get outta here!! GET OUT! I WARNED YOU! THIS IS *MY* COLLEGE! DON'T COME BACK! FARALDA. What do you *think* you're doing? I told you to stay out of my college, Faralda. Listen next time. [FUS RO DAAAAAAAAaaaaaaah!] Yeaaah! That'll teach ya. Oh, hey! How's it goin'? NIRYA: I'm *SORRY*, but you've been suspended from the college-- AARON: I knooow. It's really lame, isn't it?? I *can't* believe they suspended me. I *am* the Archmage, after all. It's kind of *ridiculous* that they would be *allowed* to do that. ANYWAY. What were we just talking about, Nirya? I can't remember. WEEELL, here ya go! Mnnyeah. That should do the trick for you, huh? Okay, here we go! One! Two! THREEEEEeeeee!! OOOHhh, bad throw! [FUUUUUS RO DAH!!] BYYYYYYeee! Where's... Brelyna? EMRE: Breeelynnaa?? AARON: Oh! Hi, Brelyna. Follow me, I need your help! BRELYNA: Lead the way! AARON: Oh, Brelyna? If you see Faralda around here, just push her off the edge! And she'll go away for a while. OH! Who's THIS??? EMRE: Somebody who is about to die, me thinks. [FUUUUUS RO DAHHH!] EMRE: HA HAAAAaaaaa! AARON: Seee ya laaater, Phinisssss! Holy crap! Did you SEE that?! He *ATTACKED* me, Brelyna! BRELYNA: I'm right behind you! AARON: UHHHh, Brelyna? We need to head up to my, uhhh... Royal Apartments. If you know what I mean. Alright... [not at all a psychopath] Well. There's got to be a really pleasant, nice way to kill Brelyna. Right? EMRE: You should, uhhh. You should *BEAT* her the old-fashioned way. AARON [laughing]: I'm gonna... Oh, this is gonna be so awful. I have some special gloves that I'm going to use for Brelyna. If, uhhh, if you're a sensitive person?? Don't watch this. Okay?? I'm just gonna warn you right now. Ohhh, Brelyna. [POP] [PLOW] Come on! Fight me with your fists! OOOhh! She's hurting me! She's MEAN! [ADAM BLATHERS ON FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL] This is NOT as easy as I thought it was gonna be! BRELYNA: NO, MORE! I--AAAAAAaaaggghhhh!! AARON: No moaaar, agggguuuuggg! AhhGahd. I feel so awful. I totally just *punched* Brelyna to death. [still laughing] That's really terrible! EMRE THE EMPATHETIC: Well, at least now she won't have to worry about that head injury. AARON: Oooh, I feel so terrible. Ohhh, man. Ohhh. Look it, What am I *dOOoiing*? OhhhmahGaaaAAhd. Ohhhgaaawd. I should definitely NOT put her on my beddddd and I shouldn't-- DEFINITELY. NEVER. *EVER*. Gonna have sex with her corpse. UGGH! OH! OH, YEAH! Wait a minute! WAIT A MINUTE! This is my old room! And LOOK at who is sitting in my MOTHER. FUCKING. CHAAAAaaair! You like that chair, huh?! You LIKE that chair?! Well good! You can STAY in that chair! FOR-EV-AR!! There ya go!! EMRE: He's PART of the chair now! AARON: How's that? That looks good. THERE. You like that chair now? How's that chair workin' out for ya? Lemme outta here. OooohhMaahGahd. Tolfdir's pissed! I just need to heal up here for a bit. Everybody relax for a second. Alright, you know what? They're too fucking LAZY to follow me out to the courtyard. EMRE: Reaaally? AARON: I guarantee as soon as I left that room after killing J'Zargo, they were like 'ooohh, well, let's go back to having some bread'. Let's just wait and see if anyone *ever* comes out. EMRE: Alright. AARON: COME OUT!! I-- I command you! You guys are a bunch of losers. Okay. [CACKLING IN UTTER DISBELIEF AT TOLFDIR'S CONTINUED REIGN OF BULLSHIT] AARON: Tolfdir, you reaaaally don't give a shit, do you? Hey, man? Uhh, you know what would be bad for business? ENTHIR: HAAAALP I'M BEIN' ATTACKED!!! AARON: Yeeehehehyes, you are! Is it difficult being away from your family? ONMUND: Not at all. I consider it a blessing. AARON: Oooh, okay. ONMUND: My family was *convinced* coming here was a death sentence. AARON: Ahhhh, well! You should always listen to your family, Onmund. ONMUND: Nords don't trust magic or those that use it! Aaaaagghh! I'm being attacked!! TOGETHER: YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaay! AARON: Awww, he fell down the stairs--I DIDN'T DO IT! HE FELL DOWN THE STAIRS! I don't know why guys are chasing me!! OOHH, look at who is coming to greet me--Just like OLD FRIENDS! Doesn't it look like they wanna hug me?? EMRE: YUP! AARON: You guys, I really wanna thank you for coming out here this evening. I'm really glad we could spend this time together. RRIIiing AArround the ROOSeey, ArniEl's an IdIOt! Oh, oh! Little tricky there! Gettin' tricky, are we?? [FUUUUUS RO DAAAAAH!!] EMRE: YEAAAAH! AARON: See ya later, assholes! And there, my friends, is the last you'll see of anyone at the College of Magic. WOW. That was *reaaally* nice. I can't even express--WORDS cannot express! How utterly joyful every second of that was. EMRE: OOhhh, so what to do now? AARON: Ahh, it's time to go back to the wife. And we're gonna have a fuckin' party. EMRE: Awesome! AARON: Okaaay, I gotta find my wife. YssooooOOOolda?? Ysolda! YSOLDA: Yes, my love? What do you need? AARON: Well, I just KILLED everyone over at the College of Winterhold where I went to school-- And, I had a REAAALLY good time! Can you cook me some food? YSOLDA [unfazed by homicide]: Here, this is fresh! I'll have another meal ready tomorrow! AARON: Oooh, thank you. Oh! Uh, Ysolda? I have this letter... Lemme just *show* it to you. Uhh, it says heeere... 'I can talk the Khajiit caravans into a better price, BLAH BLAH BLAH--' 'SKOOMA INCIDENT. Just bring the SAP to my stall in Whiterun, like we discussed.' NOW, this is really upsetting... Why are you selling SKOOMA from a STALL?? You *really* need a better place to sell your skooma, honey. And, I'm gonna take care of that shit for you! So yeah, I've had my eye on the Bannered Mare for a while. Could be a nice place for Ysolda to, ya know... Do her *business*... Less out in the open. Ya know? EMRE: Yeaaah. Instead of having this stall out in the middle of the-- AARON: Yeah, that's just, you know--She's just asking to get caught. So, we'll do it in the inn... Make it a bigger business. We'll try to supply skooma to the entire tri-city area. EMRE: SOOOOO, you're gonna buy it from Hulda? AARON: No. I'm going to *kill* Hulda. [INSERT RANDOM CITIZENS SCREAMING FOR THEIR LIVES] AARON: Alright! Well, that takes care of that! Just don't pay any attention everybody--Uhhhh,that was, uhhh-- WHITERUN GUARD: BY ORDER OF DEH JARL. STAHP. RIGHT. THERE. AARON: OOOoh! I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened-- I got *DRUNK* and then, umm-- You know, ummm, before I knew it I had eletrocuted Hulda and-- Oh! I'll just pay that fine. That's no problem. Thank you. WHITERUN GUARD: Smmmahrt mahn. AARON: Oh, thank you, sir. Okay. And I'm gonna set up a drug dealing business here, too. That fine? Okay, thank you. Now to head home and tell Ysolda the news! Ysolda! Ysolda! Dammit! She was just in here sleeping! EMRE: Where'd she go?? Think she's over at the Bannered Mare already, filling out the necessary paperwork?? AARON: I certainly hope so. EMRE: OOOOOH, yeah! [AARON'S WHEEZY LAUGH OF GLEE] AARON: Hi, honey! YSOLDA: Hello, my love! Back from some adventure, I bet! AARON: Yeaaah. Has our inn made any money? YSOLDA: Here. This is your share, love. AARON: Oh, no we're talkin'! EMRE: YEAAAAaaah! AARON: That's some good drug money! EMRE: Moving up in the world. AARON: Yeah! Oh, this is beautiful. Isn't it? Just me and Ysolda, tendin' the bar. Husband and wife. Pretty soon, we're gonna shoot out a couple of kids. Couple of mini-Guzzlers! EMRE: I think you should, uhmm, roast some bodies on that fire. AARON: Oh, that's a great idea. SKYRIM CITIZEN: The security in Whiterun is terrible! SHAMEFUL is what it is! AARON: Hey, you want somethin' to eat?? We're having roast *PIG* tonight. Yeah! He's gonna toast up real nice. EMRE: MMMM, YEAH! CITIZEN: What are you doing that for?! AARON: I'm hungry! What does it look like?! There's two options for dinner tonight, everybody. Roast PIG and roast lamb. Take your pick! EMRE AS RANDOM CITIZEN: IMMA VEGETARIAN! AARON: Weeeell then, you can have bread. [RAMBUNCTIOUS LAUGHTER] OOOHH, BOY! HERE WE GO AGAAAAAIN! ♫
