"Should I Feel Sorry For My Parent or Me?" Emotionally Immature Parents |Psychotherapy Crash Course

hi guys it is tamara thank you so much for coming back to my channel welcome back today we're going to be talking about some of the immature things that immature and emotionally unavailable parents do i just got done seeing a client over zoom and we talked a little bit about their emotionally immature parents so i thought i would go ahead and turn the camera on really quickly and give you guys a video about this because there's a couple of things that we talked about and a couple of things i haven't brought up on this channel as we go along i'm gonna post some videos up in the top of the video in the card section um and at the end of this video i'll post two videos right on this side at the end uh where you can go back and see some of the things that i have talked about regarding parents so let's just go ahead and jump in thank you so much for coming back to my channel for all of you who are subscribed to participating thank you so much and for those who are new thank you for subscribing and those who are even newer go ahead and hit that subscribe button in case you haven't already so you can stick around with us and be a part of our community and in case you don't know who i am let me go ahead and briefly introduce myself my name is tamra and i'm an internationally certified and board certified trauma therapist but i'm also licensed in mental health and i treat within my practice children teens families as well as adults so there's a couple of things guys that i have on my list here based on you know what my client and i kind of talked about and i think they might be helpful for you too um so when we're talking about immature and emotionally unavailable parents i think it's important to know two things one is that these particular parents are not always aware that they are emotionally unavailable they tend to be rather immature they also tend to have really rushed their life really fast right so they've had kids maybe at an age where they were too young or they had children at a time where they thought they were ready but emotionally they were very very immature right so that's one set of parents or one category of parents i should say the second category is there are parents who are just strictly permissive they don't have you know what it takes to be a parent they don't have the structure that they need to be a parent they don't know how to step up and protect their children and a lot of times they're not willing to put themselves on the line to do so it's really a lot of responsibility to be a parent if you aren't already uh you know you need to know that it's really really tough why it's tough is not so much that you have to feed and clothe them and educate them and raise them but more so you have to juggle your emotions and your mental abilities with your children and what i mean by mental abilities is your psychology you have to be healthy and ready to teach them and learn and grow with them as well and that takes a lot of psychological strength and parents who are immature and emotionally unavailable do not have that so it's really hard for them to connect with their children so they become permissive do whatever you want to do you know as long as i did the basics i fed you told you to get a bath and let you sleep you know i'm paying the rent like gas and water that's all i need to do those kind of emotionally unavailable parents are permissive all right so those are the two kind of parents i want you to think about as we go through this video now there's a third category that i like to point out to people who come and see me uh who are adults and they're struggling with childhood trauma associated with the parent like this this third category really does include parents who clog things all right they cover things guys they don't want they don't want it to get out to society and they don't want you to acknowledge as the abused or traumatized adult child that there was something wrong in that childhood so there's a couple of things that these parents like to cover and i want to point them out right now the first thing that i have is they like to cover up emotional and sexual incest emotional and sexual incest what i mean by that is emotional incest and i'll go ahead and put put a video right up here in the cards for you to check out at the end of this video about emotional incest but emotional instance is basically this it's i'm invading your space emotionally i'm i am um uh what am i trying to say here guys i'm supposing upon you a burden that doesn't necessarily belong to you or i am placing upon you a burden that does not belong to you that's emotional incest it's an intrusive burden that does not need to be there and of course you're well aware of what sexual incest is as well within a family so that's number one that's the number one thing that these parents uh unhealthy neglectful parents unavailable emotionally tend to try to club the emotional and the sexual incest the next thing that i want you to think about guys is physical abuse or domestic violence now this is something that happens in a lot of homes where there's emotionally unavailable and immature parents one of the reasons why is because they're immature and they typically fall for men who are abusive underdeveloped and incapable and because of that right these particular men end up either coming into the life of that woman in that child and and really controlling and possessing them or he comes into the family with a drug and alcohol issue or pornography addiction and that drives him insane and so then he becomes abusive a lot of these parents also get into relationships with men and women if it's if it's a man uh who are immature and they don't know what it takes to be an adult and a parent you know they kind of bring them into their world and the children end up either getting abused or witnessing domestic violence the next thing is detrimental impulsivity and what i mean by that is you know their impulsivity is really harmful to their finances to their emotional and psychological health and sometimes to their physical health we have you know emotionally unavailable and unhealthy parents cutting themselves and showing the scars to their children or allowing those scars to be out in the open where their children look at it and say mom what's that right and the mother will you know indulge the child and explain i cut myself and i do that when i'm mad you know that is too much information for a child and so parents who are unstable and emotionally unavailable will do those kind of things they don't know where to draw the boundary and say okay this is a child i better not share this these kind of parents may also share their sexual lives and their sexual experiences they may also encourage their kids to act out sexually twerking which i absolutely hate and anything else that they feel the child is allowed to do these kind of parents tend to be very very immature and the child is almost like the best friend so that detrimental impulsivity is really harmful in these particular situations substance abuse and gambling is also a part of that detrimental impulsivity bringing men in for sexual experiences and then letting them go right out the door the next day that's detrimental impulsivity all right the next one is severe or poor mental health these kind of parents tend to have really really poor mental health i talk about parental mental health right up here in this video if you want to go check it out and really what i'm highlighting there are parents who are just incapable of being parents they don't know what it takes because they're ill they're sick they've never gotten help unresolved schizophrenia or untreated or poorly treated bipolar disorder that includes hallucinations and delusions which i talk about in this really old video but you can still get some information from it that's good um we also have parents who you know have a substance abuse issue right along with a mental health issue and that's called that's called comorbidity comorbidity that's when you have two disorders at the same time that is a severe mental illness because you're battling two different two different things um and so severe mental illness poorly treated mental illness is a problem the next thing is triangulation and favoritism these kind of parents will triangulate and i talk about triangulation right up here in this video but they will also show favoritism and you know they will lean this way towards the kids that they like they will spoil them and pamper them and love them and overlove them and give them too much and let them get away with things and then when they get tired of that then they swing over here to the other child and now they're ready to gossip and now they're ready to you know divulge information that the other child should know like there's a lot of favoritism and triangulation it's a cycle and this is how this immature and unavailable emotionally parent uh tends to engage with their children it's a very toxic dynamic all right the next one is inappropriate intrusion so how's your sex life with your husband uh how much money does he make are you sure your husband is coming home on time these are the questions okay that an intrusive parent will ask and it's inappropriate i would never want my mother ever to ask me about my husband's finances or our sex life or you know our love and how we feel about each other like i would never want that and my my wonderful mom who i love you know with all my heart you know she um she knows that boundary you know she knows the boundary but these particular inappropriate parents do not and i feel terrible for children who have to deal with that that is really difficult uh the next one guys is dynamics of a parentified child that exists within the family unit you've become the parent of your sibling you're not the sister you're the mother you're not the brother you're the father and that immature and emotionally unavailable parent expects you to step up and do what parents do it's unfair and unhealthy uh the other thing that i want you to consider is something known as reality shifting and really what that is it's kind of distorting the view of reality so that you can approach things a little bit differently so a parent who reality shifts may gaslight you i don't know what you're talking about what are you talking about no i would never ask you that when did i do that oh my god did he really do that to you i'm so sorry i would never let that happen to you you have to tell me these things like gaslighting shifting reality moving the truth minimizing the truth throwing the truth out the way right all of it reality shifting it's a very unhealthy technique technique that unhealthy parents use and it works every time and lastly repeated invalidation research suggests that borderline personality disorder and sometimes sociopathy and narcissism often comes to life the seed is planted genetically and biologically and environmentally but with invalidation that seed comes to fruition it grows and that seed becomes narcissism borderline personality disorder and sometimes certain forms of sociopathy really really easy to start to go within and withdraw and isolate and feel unheard and so you develop a series of patterns or i should say a series of behaviors or patterns over time that's unhealthy and it blooms into borderline personality disorder or some other disorder so you know this is tough guys you know if you have a parent like this it's really hard to live with them it's really hard to manage them um you know if it's really severe i usually encourage my clients and those who consult with me to move on distance push them away i talk about that right up here with toxic family members you might find that video really helpful to you and um as i told you i'm going to post these videos right here for you to go back and check them out um a lot of you sent me emails and text messages and even snail mail regarding these two videos and that's because they're really really essential to the people that come on this channel you guys are dealing with a lot of tough situations and dynamics within your family i've been there i've done that and i feel like i'm somewhat out of that like after so many years of that and you know being in my 30s um you know i kind of developed a mindset that says i have to survive and if that means pushing you out of the way so i can survive in a healthy mindset and healthy heart i will do that and so i'm hoping to teach you guys how to do that with these videos thank you so much for being here today guys i encourage you to give this video a thumbs up if it was helpful and go ahead and hit that subscribe button so you can stick around with us feel free to share this video uh with someone that may benefit i always encourage you guys to do that a lot of people um either do not know that my channel exists or they're just finding out about me um so i really appreciate you guys sharing it that helps the channel a lot and it also helps the person that's in need so thank you so much for that i'll see you in the next video bye you

Channel: Támara Hill, MS NCC CCTP LPC

Views: 14,000

Keywords: Parent, how do i recognize an unhealthy parent, toxic parents, toxic mother, mental health, what signs show that I have an unhealthy parent, should i feel sorry for my parent, parents, to my parents, narcissistic, guilty, Parenting, i feel stuck and depressed, toxic relationships, signs of toxic parents

Id: sP75A0JS8sI

Length: 12min 39sec (759 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 03 2021