"Shit Bad Scrum Masters Say"

I have a problem I can't get access to the arrow database in the consistent way that that's not an event in this retrospective today uh I've got a list of ten improvements I'd like you guys to address for the next sprint hey Cara I'm gonna need you guys to get more work in progress uh it's pretty good but you need more stuff in there cool thanks awesome guys that was our fastest stand up yeah there was only 40 minutes yeah the pointing is not waiting not so much hey I was just reading this atom and it says scrum is all about going faster what's taking you so long get back to work there's no way this story's a thirteen this is more like a two all right so we'll kick off will kick off this retrospective with five minutes of silent writing silent writing that's not an impediment as your scrum master and product owner these are the stories I need you to commit to this friend my computer was stolen on the break-in last night so I can't get any work done until I get a new one uh have you heard of paper I am I'm gonna need I have this feature demo this afternoon you can get it done right great no problem I'm just gonna have this do you work in progress yeah continuous integrations never helped anybody just get that oh no Chris listen we're doing scrum now so we don't have to share that sort of stuff in management three months and management thinks we can get it done in another sprint and I just don't understand a hey guys surprised our CEO is joining us for today's retrospect but just do everything normally hey guys you're totally flailing so I'm gonna cut this sprint a couple days short where are you going bye oh uh do you have a task for that no all right guys uh here's how you let our company down this spring um I was just thinking you guys have a lot to do this sprint so let's make your sprint three weeks instead of two we'll just we'll just change it up okay oh hey oh yeah that's crazy disagreeing commit that's not an impediment uh so we calling this story done close enough the eyes have it you guys are doing great this sprint but the other team's velocity is a little bit higher could you pick it up just a little bit five minutes of silent writing hey no now's a fine time I'm just in a retrospective a job at Google yeah I'm not gonna be here tomorrow so if you guys could just do your daily scrum by email just at whatever time you like just shoot it on email that's that's not an impediment that's great um the other team's velocity is much better than yours so I may need you guys to work late tonight though check it out check it out the cats eating a cheeseburger that can't be healthy at all we're gonna Doheny No ding-ding-ding get all cricketing in jingdong bringing in aikido bringing it only need no ding ding ding get all ringing ding ding dong did you know

Channel: Adam Weisbart

Views: 393,925

Keywords: Scrum (development), Agile Software Development, scrum, agile development, software development, project management, scrum master, Funny, Comedy, Office, Technology

Id: GGbsgs611MM

Length: 3min 18sec (198 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 14 2012